I think I understand better now:):):)...

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown/the 1999 Broadway revival/Anthony Rapp and gang...Happiness...Rascal Flats...These Days...Diamond Rio...Beautiful Mess......Livingston Taylor...If I Only Had a Brain...Darryl Worley...I Miss My Friend...Hootie and the Blowfish...Hold My Hand, their cover of Tom Waits' Closing Time, Time, their cover of Bill Withers' Lean on Me, and Let Her Cry...Van Morrison...Moondance...Tracy Chapman...The Promise...Harry Connick, Jr...If I Only Had a Brain...You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown/Kristen Chenowith/Ilana Levine/Kimberly Grigsby/B.D. Wong/Anthony Rapp/...My New Philosophy...Schroeder...Little Known Facts...My Blanket and Me...Sinead O'Connor...You Do Something to Me...Ray Charles...I've Got a Woman...Bye-Bye Love...Hit the Road, Jack...Georgia on My Mind...9/11 dedication with Lee Greenwood's God Bless the USA and Ray Charles' America the Beautiful...Shake Your Tailfeathers...Old Man River...Five Blind Boys of Alabama...Old Time Religion...I'll Fly Away...Marching up to Zion...There Will Be a Light...None of Us are Free...Down By the Riverside...When a Man Loves a Woman...Randy Newman...You Are So Beautiful...with Lyle Lovett...You've Got a Friend in Me...Rednecks...Political Science...Dixie Chicks...Top of the World...Toby Keith...American Soldier...

...ok...

I think that should hold me at least until the end of this post:):):)...


Kenny's comments in my last post have finally helped me unlock the real mystery that I've been struggling with, recently...

Why so much distance in my relationships, lately...

And I think Kenny's helped me figure it out:):):)...



I have a hard time understanding lack of hope...

I've always been really abundant with hope...

As I explained to Kenny in the comments in the last post (on my Tripod blog...Singin' dem education blues...comments......about a situation that I think may be resolved at this point)...

I've been struggling a lot, lately...with why people treat me so bad around my intelligence...and education...and about being decent, generally...especially when all of my commitments in the world are that others can be similarly intelligent and decent...and that I have a lot to learn, on both counts, from others...

But I think Kenny has finally helped me figure out what I've been missing on this thing...

As I explained to Kenny...

I've lived my whole life on dreams...

My dad was younger than me -- between 30 and 32 -- when he went a million dollars bankrupt in a bad business deal...

He was just a little older than me -- 35 -- when he and my mom divorced...and when he found himself a single dad of 5 children, 3 then 4 then 5 of which lived with him...

While he's a million dollars bankrupt, mind you (perhaps the reason why my sense of perspective is so much different than many others)...

So much of my life was lived in dreams...

Because the realities were that we were broke...

For much of the time -- the great majority of the time -- that I was growing up...

And in the end:):):)...he made good:):):)...he's a millionaire, today:)...and he definitely earned those stripes he has:):)...


So...anyway...I've always just been really abundant with hope...I haven't known any other way, really...

So...I don't know what it's like to be REALLY cynical about the world...

The closest I got was in grad school...

I went through kind of a cynical period in grad school...when politics in the country was getting particularly cynical...and when I was beginning to give up hope, a little, on many of the solutions to the country's problems...

In retrospect...what I was cynical about was not our ability to solve problems...

But the ability for politicians to solve them...

Not that politicians couldn't or don't play an important role...

But that politicians, quite inadvertantly, I think...often make problems worse with legislated solutions...that need engagement by the civil society more than they need legislation...


So...anyway...I went through something of a cynical period in grad school...


But then Brandi and I broke up...


And...like when I was a kid...it was either shit or get off the pot...

I could either give into the cynicism...cynicism that likely had helped tear apart that relationship...

Or I could get about figuring out how to make that relationship work (which was my central priority in life for much of the time after our break-up)...and take care of the thing that mattered most to me in my entire life...

Or I could give up...and, as a consequence...give up on me...

So I decided to start trying to figure it out...

And I spent years studying every psychology and relationship book, article, song...ANYTHING...I could get my hands on...

To win Brandi back...

And out of all of that...

I started developing ideas that were profoundly changing the way that I thought about politics...

Because...all of a sudden...I started to understand politics at a level underneath it all that I had never considered before...

I started to understand politics from the deepest areas inside of people...places I'd never understood as well before...nevertheless seen...or experienced...

And...out of that...I started developing principles that I now call Least Possible Necessary Aggression...which try to begin to account for how policy and politics and psychology impact one another...at the deepest levels...

So...anyway...

What was the point of this story?...

Oh...grad school...hope...

So...anyway...

Brandi leaves me...

And I decide...that either I'm going to work my ass off...to open my heart for her or for whomever...or I'm never going to feel that kind of love with a woman like that ever again...

So I start working my ass off...

Emotional work is a hell of lot of work, Kenny:)...and I do it pretty regularly, at this point:):):)...

So...

I go to THREE therapists, at one point...including a family therapist...with my family...all of my brothers and sisters and my dad and my step-mom...after a Disney World vacation one Christmas where I was a total ASSHOLE to my brothers and sisters because of how much my break-up was breaking my fucking heart...and helped ruin a family vacation that we had all been waiting YEARS -- DECADES, Kenny -- to go on together...we'd been planning a Disney World trip since I was like 14 or 15 years old, Kenny:)...

And I'm reading EVERY FUCKING PSYCHOLOGY BOOK and every policy book, of course, because it was my field...and because I love politics, obviously:):):)...and I must have listened to every sappy, sad country music song about love and break-ups that's ever been written...in the last 5 years or so, at least:):):)...

And I just start to see things about policy and psychology...that I'd never seen before...

And that...I think...at this point...very few people have really ever seen, I think...

Abraham Maslow began to see it before he died...his book, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature, gets at it better than probably any book I've ever read...

Amartya Sen gets it some, I think...his book, Development as Freedom, captures it some, I think...I've not read his most recent book, The Argumentative Indian...so I'll have to read that and see what he has to say on the subject:):):)...

Joseph Nye gets it some...his work on soft power in international policy, in books like The Paradox of American Power and Soft Power, get it some, I think...

I don't think any of these guys get it completely...

But they get it better than most, I think...

So...anyway...

The point is...

There was this time in my life...when I felt more cynical...at least more cynical for me...like I said...I'm a pretty abundantly hopeful person...I've had to be...so I don't get terribly cynical, much of the time:):):)...

And this was a time when I had to shit or get off the pot...

And I decided to...well...do what I had to do:):):)LOL:):):)...

So I got to work...

But the point of this whole LONG GODDAMNED STORY...

Is to explain why I don't get cynicism very well...

But you just helped me get underneath it...and understand it better...

It's giving up, I think...and the consequences that come with giving up...

And like I said in those comments...

The reason I can't give up on others...is because...when we give up on others...a little bit of us gives up on ourselves, too...

And I think all the pettiness that people have engaged in with me...is their defenses around the pain that is involved with dealing with that disappointment...that led them to give up in the first place...

And I guess I'm just realistic enough to know that the pain of dissappointment...is FAR OUTWEIGHED...by the pain of giving up...BY FAR...because the latter is exponential...it's compound interest...it accumulates on the heart over the years...and it just sits there...accumulating dust...and more pain...with every compromise that is made in its name...

So anyway...

That kind of gets at my central commitments in education...

That everyone can learn...always...

That everyone can aspire as high as they would like...

Meaning...

Not only as big as Abraham Maslow...and Amartya Sen (and Jeffrey Sachs, another contender in economics, I think)...and Joseph Nye (and Benjamin Barber...another contender, I think, in international policy fields)...who are three of the most amazingly intelligent people in their fields, by my lights...ever...Abraham Maslow, remember, has been dead for nearly 40 years...

But they can be bigger...

They can be better...

And that we can all be bigger and better than these guys...

All of us...

My central commitment as a teacher, Kenny...is to my students and kids and friends and whomever as people, first, and students, second...

And that they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AND MY LEGACY, Kenny...that they bat me out of the fucking ballpark...that they win and win big and never stop...and, as Winston Churchill said in that now famous speech in America...and probably the greatest college commencement speech in the history of college commencement speeches...legend goes that this was the entire extent of that speech...

"Never, never, never, never, never, never quit."

(I've also read that it was a 10 word speech..."Never give in. Never give in. Never, ever, give in." But that just doesn't sound like Winston Churchill to me...at least I hope he gave the speech the way I wrote it first...because it's a better speech that way...and Winston Churchill could definitely deliver a speech:):):)...

As Vince Lombardi said...

"Once you learn to quit, it becomes a habit."

(This is a really great site for similar such quotations:):):)...

As well as Robert Kennedy's bit of wisdom...

"Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly."

...that I found on this little speech team webpage:):):)...

Eastview Speech Team...thanks, Brie:):):)...


Anyway:):):)...

The point is that my central goal as a teacher...outside of caring about my kids and students and friends and everyone else as people, first...and students, second...

Is that they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY...that they PUMMEL IT INTO THE FUCKIN' GROUND...that they TRANSCEND EVERYTHING THAT I'VE EVER DONE AND EVER WILL DO...

That they KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF EVERYTHING THAT I DO OR WILL EVER DO...

That's my goal, Kenny:):):)...

I have no interest in being Abraham Maslow...

And having everyone fawn over how brilliant they think I am...and then dying with noone even trying to take over or maintain or expand or elaborate on or imagine in ways that I've never imagined...my own legacy...

I want people to KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY...I want them to BEAT ME...and BEAT ME BAD...

And that's when I know I'll be successful as a teacher, Kenny...

A teacher who's students are trying and failing in beating them at their own business, much of the time is FAILING by my lights...and I don't like failing, Kenny, if you can't tell...I like succeeding...I like winning...and the way that I think that teachers win...that they succeed...that they keep from failing...

Is that they teach students so that they are better prepared to KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF THEIR LEGACY...

That's my commitment in life, Kenny:):):):):):)...

To prepare everyone to do that:):):):):):):)...

And for me to do the same:):):):):):)...

And for all of us to just keep playing the game of life:):):)...

As FUCKING HARD AS WE CAN FOR AS FUCKING LONG AND -- too often -- SHORT...AS WE ALL HAVE IT:):):):):):)...

So...Kenny...the issue for me...

Is that I don't understand quitting...

It's just not in me...

I think Winston Churchill is one BALLSY MOTHERFUCKER for giving that speech...

And I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF THAT, Kenny...I ADMIRE THE FUCK OUT OF IT:):):):):):):)...

And that's the kind of guy I am:):):)...

And so when people start giving up on me...

I don't get it...

Because my expectation is not to beat people all the time...

My expectation is to have them KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME (not literally, obviously:):):)...though I've gotten pretty close to that one, too, haven't I, Kenny:):):)...man...we have stories, now, don't we:):):)...AND MY LEGACY:):):)...and at anything we do together:):):):):):)...

When my neighbors, Jesse and Melissa, and Melissa -- my ex-girlfriend and roommate --and I play Trivial Pursuit (the 90's edition...which is an AWESOME edition of that game, by the way:):):)...

I've won the last couple of times:):):)...ok...I've won every time we've finished a game up until this point (though Melissa was winning a game that we quit early:):):)...so I've got competition:):):)...

And I can be pretty openly competitive...

But that's because, Kenny...I try to make clear to people...

That the competition is totally friendly with me:):):)...

And that my expectation...in everything:):):)...is that my friends and family and everyone I deal with:):):)...

KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of me at whatever we are doing:):):):):):)...

It's the only way that it remains fun for me, anyway:):):)...otherwise...it's just an ego thing:):):)...and who the fuck really needs that:):):)...

The much bigger ego rush, I think:):):):):)...

Is when people you care about:):):)...especially people who were never really convinced of their own abilities:):):):):)...

Begin to KICK THE LIVING SHIT out of you and your efforts:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And that's my commitment, Kenny:):):):):):)...

And that's why I keep working with those guys:):):)...to prepare them to start trying or to start succeeding...

In KICKING THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME AND MY LEGACY:):):):):):)...

Which is exactly what my goal is when I start teaching:):):):):):)...

When I was in college, Kenny...when I was competing in forensics at Wichita State University...we went from 84th in the country, my freshman year...to 7th in the country, by my senior year...

And my biggest disappointment, Kenny...from that period...

Is that Wichita State University has never achieved that kind of success, nationally, ever again, in intercollegiate forensics...my best friend, Bond Benton:):):) (who was the third overall speaker in the nation my senior year and his senior year, the year after that:):):)...went on to lead WSU to 9th in the country, the year after I finished competing:):):)...and then nothing, Kenny...we've never succeeded the same since:):):)...

And I have no intentions on letting that happen ever again, Kenny:):):):):):)...if I can help it:):):)...


So...what I've been missing, Kenny...

Is that I just haven't understood that people were giving up on me...on themselves...always wondering when that son-of-a-bitch was going to stop...when he was going to give up...when he was going to quit...

But the truth is, Kenny...

I don't quit...

It's not in me...

I take breaks...

But I never quit (ok:):):)...I do quit trivia games when I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion:):):)...but Melissa will have her revenge, I'm quite sure:):):)...

But on the big stuff, Kenny:):):)...

I never quit:):):)...

Never...never...never...never...never...never...

I never quit:):):)...

I don't know how...

It's just not in me:):):)...

On anyone:):):):):)...

Ever...

Ever...

Osama Bin Laden may have to be killed if he threatens deadly force against someone capturing him...

But I still presume if I'm the guy charged with capturing him...that I can get him without killing him...

Being realistic, of course, that he is VERY LIKELY TO TRY TO DO SO...and STILL to try to capture him without killing him...

Because that's what America is all about...

And I believe in America...

And that's what I'm about...

And I for goddamned sure believe in me:):):)...

Thanks, Kenny:):):):):):)...I think I understand better now:):):)...

And maybe you understand how I got to where I am a little better too, now:):):):):):)...

I'll talk with you tonight, bud:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Here I was saying that I never give up...

...and then I have a night like last night...

I need to learn how to be a wallflower, I think...I am just like this everpresent lightning rod for everthing that is going great and that is controversial and conflict at work...

I had a friend act like an asshole, I thought, last night...which is a trend that's gotten much worse since I've known him...which is much of why it was/has been pissing me off so bad...this is the same friend whom I thought things were resolved with in the earlier post on my work...

I told him if he was going to be an asshole...then he could put the heavy-ass steel commercial doors that we were loading by himself...

Another friend thought that I had overreacted and took up for my first friend...the second friend is not the most calm, thoughtful, constructive person in the world, let's just say...

And when things had finally died down and the first friend and I seemed to be doing better...

The second came around...talking shit...when I'm already pretty pissed about the first situation...and trying to just chill out...

So second friend and I hash it out...but not so friendly...and second friend is always trying to figure how many steps in a conflict with me before he gets to crack my skull...or at least he talks a lot of smack on the issue...

And...in the meantime...I get to look like the asshole to stand up to what I thought was bullying and bullshit on both of their parts, at different points in the night...

I wonder how much self-respect goes for these days on the market?...

Because noone seems to value mine, at all in my life, except for me...so I'm not sure if I really need it or not...

And a lot of people would definitely feel better about me if I'd learn to just roll over and take it up the ass without making so much fuss about it...

I'm caught in this really fucked up catch 22...and I think I'm the only one who cares at all about what bullshit that is...

And not enough people seem to take enough notice that our productivity -- our tier count, as we call it -- was way down, last night, relative to previous nights...and totally absorbed by a bunch of utterly useless fighting...

And the crazy part is...

I don't think anyone really gives a shit how it impacts productivity or not...

I think most folks are just interested in being right...right or wrong, really...and about reinforcing every assumption and initial judgment that they've ever had...

And to just believe that the fact that I'm such a nice guys is because I'm a pussy...and that I would be better suited to sewing or some such career...

And no matter how many times I stand up to these sons of bitches...I'm always both the asshole and the pussy...

Because it is just so goddamn impossible for them to even CONSIDER that they might just be wrong about what will improve our productivity...

And because their pissing streams are bigger than their brains...fuckin' morons...

Why do I even bother, I wonder?...

I don't know...

Love,
Ben

Every generation thinks they have it figured out...

USA Today...Newspaper criticized for firing columnist...

Jim DeFede of the Miami Herald is the latest of newspaper journalists quickly punished for behavior that the newspaper considered questionable...

Palmeiro suspended 10 days for steroid policy violation...

And Rafael Palmeiro, the fourth man in baseball history, along with Hank Aaron, Willie Mays and Eddie Murray, to get 3000 hits and 500 homers in a career, and 9th on the list of all-time home-run hitters in Major League baseball, at 569...

...and one of the most outspoken opponents of steroid use...

...is suspended 10 days after being tested for steroids...

It never fails to amaze me just how arrogant every generation is that it has finally figured out just the right balance of decency and harm they should provide for people in the name of doing good...

But rest assured...

Though this generation will be found wanting by my generation for its overreach...

My generation will get this balance right...

And though the children of those of my generation will find our efforts wanting...

Their children will finally figure it out...

And though their children will find their efforts wanting...

Their children will figure it out...

And so the cycle of arrogance and punishment and cover-up and denial continues...

Until interrupted...

By a genuine concern for doing good by people...and not trying to get people...and trying to cover our own asses...and being satisfied just looking like we are dealing with problems...rather than really dealing with problems...more concerned are too many of us...including the Miami Herald, Congress, and Major League Baseball in each of these situations...with the perception that we are doing good...rather than the reality...

With courage rather than cowardice...

Which both of these punishments are really about...

Love,
Ben

Singin' dem education blues...

Long night at work...

I was upset going into work, tonight...

I've grown really tired of having people take pot-shots at me and my education and my circumstances...and all kinds of bullshit...

I want so badly to live and work in environments where education and intelligence are taken seriously...

I talked over the situation with my lead, Fred, this morning, on the way taking him home...

Fred gave me good perspective...

Most of the guys at work are actually really appreciative of me and my education...

There are a couple that have really spoiled things for me, in some ways that have led me to feel kind of depressed about it for the last couple of days...

I think I'm just finally accepting that this is something that I will deal with for the rest of my life...

And it's depressing as all hell...

I'm hoping that if I deal with this stuff, right now...that I'll have it behind me and it won't really hit me as hard later on...

But it's been kind of hell the last 12 hours or so, dealing with it all...

And dreading having to work with one of my crew who is also a good friend who has been really nasty about this at some really vulnerable moments that I've shared with him...and my decision to just stop sharing myself so much with him, because he can never quite find it in his heart to be a friend...so obsessed is he, I think, trying to rationalize why the world is always supposed to work out...and how my haphazard journey through it just confirms for him what a loser I am...and how orderly the world really is, if I wouldn't keep upsetting the apple cart so much...

He's 21...he knows nothing about the world...so I cut him a lot of slack...he's still kind of a prick, much of the time...but I still cut him slack...I mean what else am I going to do, realistically...

But it's hurt in the meantime...

This is probably good practice for dealing with other young people...who can be equally as hurtful and worse, I'm sure...

But it's just kind of hard to deal with at the moment...and for the last 12 hours or so...

I do think that my lead, Fred, is right...that there has been some jealousy going on in some of these situations, recently...definitely crossed my mind more than once...but it still hurts...

And the thing that's really sucked has knowing that this is something that I deal with with almost everyone, at some level...though Fred has been an exception...he's just an exceptionally decent guy...not common at all, I'm afraid...

It's hard to get my head wrapped around...

I'm just not like that, really...

I really appreciate peoples' abilities...even if they far exceed my own...

When Brandi and I went to work for Bill Bradley's campaign up in Iowa...he had a poster that talked about his academic and athletic exploits (Bill was both a Rhodes Scholar...and he set NCAA Tournament records for points scored -- against my alma mater, Wichita State University, no less, in 1965...and he's won two NBA championship with the New York Knicks in 1970 and 1973...

Bill Bradley NBA History...

In Iowa...

Bill had posters that said something to the effect..."The guy you hated in high school":):):)...

But the thing is...

I didn't ever hate people like Bill Bradley in high school or anwhere, really...

I was always really impressed when people were good at something...especially atheletics...even though I wasn't that great at much of any sport in high school...

So it's been kind of a blow...post-graduate-school...

To find people be so goddamned petty...and jealous...and play all kinds of bullshit games around matters of education and intelligence...

And it's really worked itself on me, at this point...

So much so that I am beginning to wonder...

Is there ever a point where having so much education or being so intelligent -- even as I can see its impact and potential -- that it begins to be taken seriously in the places I work...where people don't waste all of their time and my time trying to defend against why it doesn't matter because it makes them feel bad...so they try to make me feel bad for having it instead...

Because I can't live my life feeling so caught between my own judgment and the often more narrow, petty, small-minded judgment of others all the time...

At some point...

I wouldn't mind spending at least some time with people who actually appreciate my contributions...

And don't spend all their time trying to rationalize for me and for themselves why being smart or decent or good or whatever just doesn't matter all that much...

It's more than wearisome for me, now...

It's really starting to drag me down...

People think that because I'm so smart...and seem so strong...

That it just doen't affect me like it does...

When the truth is that it really hurts me...

All of it...

So much of all of the bullshit that I've dealt with in the last two and half years out of school...

And some of it cuts me deep...

And it makes me wonder why I worked so hard in school all those years...

When so many people can only see it as yet one more opportunity to feel bad about themselves...

Rather than feel good for me...

And in the meantime...

Every day that my life looks like a failure to these same folks...

It just reinforces for them why being educated and being a decent person just really isn't worth their time, anyway...because look where it got me...

It's all kind of disgusting, really...

Makes you wonder why decent people do good at all, really...given how shitty they get treated, even at their best...

And today (and last night) I just don't know why, at this moment...I do it because it was what I was taught to do...and because some inexplicable faith leads me to keep being decent, despite all of the incentives otherwise...which are far too abundant to keep track of...and distort everything, really...for all of us...

I don't know...

I wish I had some hopeful aphorism to cap this all off and reassure everyone that things will always work out...

But this time in my life has challenged my faith in that principle more than any other period in my life...

And I just don't know...

I hope things work out...

But I just don't know...

I've got to sleep...

I'm exhausted...

Goodnight, everyone...

Love,
Ben

What a Wonderful World...

One of my best friends, Kenny, from work, posted recently and told me the same story at work of hearing Joey Ramone's cover of What a Wonderful World after leaving work one night...Joey was dying of cancer when he recorded this version on his last album...

Well...Kenny tells the story better than I do:):)...

Kenny's Maze...

I have to mention, here, that it is so fascinating to me how many of very good friends are big punk fans...and I am so late coming to the punk scene:):):)...I saw the Ramones at Lollapalooza long before I knew what a big deal they were in the American punk scene and in punk music, generally:):):)...they were awesome:):)...

But so many of my very close friends are big punk fans:):):)...and it's just so curious to me that I'm so late coming:):)...though Melissa rented the first 3 episodes of Six Feet Under, this week...and one of the characters on there explains it better...the lead guy is a Sting/U2 kind of guy...and she's a punk girl:):):)...AMAZING television writing, by the way, Six Feet Under, when you get a chance:):):)...

Also...if you're a punk fan...Kenny posts some punk music lyrics...he's a big Agnostic Front and NOFX fan, if you're interested (Jas...that reference was for you, especially:):):)...great stuff, Kenny's blog:):):)...

So...anyway:):):)...

Kenny tells me this story that night...

And it occurs to me that What a Wonderful World was Brandi's and my song...I had totally forgotten, really, it's been so long...

Especially Louis Armstrong's 1970 version, which I found late in our relationship...

Where Louis is talking to the kids of a similarly disgruntled and disillusioned generation...amidst a similar war...and with similar problems...

And he says to the young audience...with these beautiful violins in the background:):):)...

"Some of you young folks been saying to me...'Hey pops...what you mean what a wonderful world?...how about them wars all over the place?...You call them wonderful?...and how 'bout hunger and pollution?...that ain't so wonderful either'...

Well, how about listening to old pops for a minute...seems to me, it ain't the world that's so bad...but what we're doin' to it...and all I'm saying is see what a wonderful world it would be if only we'd give it a chance...

Love, baby, love...that's the secret...yeah...

If lot's more of us loved each other...we'd solve lots more problems...and man...this world would be Odessa...

And that's why ol' pops keeps sayin'...

I see trees of green...
Red roses too..."

And then he sings the song:):):):)...Louis also died shortly thereafter singing that version:(...and it's the most beautiful version he ever sang, I think...I definitely recommend that folks check it out:):):)...

Brandi and I used to dance to that song every time we had a chance...I love it almost above all others, really...I first heard it on the soundtrack of Good Morning, Vietnam...when it came out in 1987...and I've loved it ever since:):)...

Louis gets it more than most, I think...

That saving the world is about saving it...not about burning it down in spite of it...and that spite and bitterness and hate and hostility are no way to do anything positive or constructive in the world...

And that saving the world is about people...about caring about them...not about taking them down...

That 1970 version of What a Wonderful World should be "required":):) listening for any political theorist or activist or anyone interested in politics, I think:):)...it captures the essence of what is missing and needed in contemporary politics...and the essence of everything that is wrong with contemporary democracies...

We miss you, Louis...you too, Joey...

And I miss a time in my life when more people believed that sentiment more...

Back in 1998...during that summer Brandi and I spent in Washington, D.C....this was the spirit that drove us...

We were saving the world...we knew all the cynicism and challenges that lay ahead...and we were taking them all on, anyway...

More people need to believe that...

If we're ever going to do anything decent and hopeful and constructive in this world...

Otherwise...

We're all stuck in the same messes...

Without anything but our bitching and grumbling and gadgets and drugs and sex and money and power or whatever other kinds of bullshit we keep near us to keep the bad feelings at bay...

And all the same problems still in place...

How long does denial maintain it's grip, I constantly wonder these days?...because goddamn if it can't keep a firm fuckin' grip on folks' imaginations and dealings with reality so much of the time...

"Love, baby, love...that's the secret...yeah...

If lot's more of us loved each other...we'd solve lots more problems...and man...this world would be Odessa..."

Sing it, Louis...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S. I'm working on teaching applications this weekend:):):)...I'll do my best to get back with folks who have been trying to get a hold of me...Ned and Marilyn...you too, in particular...amidst the need to be on this:):):)...but I'm thinking of you:):):)...

I'm gonna miss these bastards...

I've been putting off applying for teaching jobs...I know it's late...though, in special ed, they're always available...I'm sure something will work out...

But I've been realizing, this morning, that...in addition to being exhausted from work...

I'm gonna miss these bastards...

I never, ever in a million years could have predicted how working in a shipping dock would prepare me for the world...for teaching...for my own life...

It's not something school taught me, that's for sure...

It's just...being one of the guys...

I stick out like a sore thumb in most conversations, any more...

And it's nice to have a crew of guys that I just belong to...just as me...no qualifications needed...

And it's been interesting looking at the world...not as a teacher...or as a good student...

But just as a guy...just one of the guys...

It's nice...

And I realize...that this is how I'm going to teach...

The one really important thing that working in a shipping dock has taught me...

Is that EVERYONE HATES BEING BOSSED AROUND...EVERYONE...

And if you work with someone who leads...and they treat you decent...and they're just one of the guys...or whatever...

Then you're much more likely to pay attention to them...and to respect them...and to try to do your best...which, if given the right space, can be far better than that leader ever imagined themselves...

Today...at a meeting...I was noticing how too many of the guys weren't really paying attention...and being respectful of our supervisor...and how our supervisor was both insecure about that...and had kind of earned it, unknowingly...

And I realized that though I like our supervisor and our department lead and all of our leads an awful lot, really...

That I don't want to be that guy ever again...

I've been that guy before...

The teacher or the lead that everyone thinks is a jerk-off...because their insecurities about themselves lead them to try to constantly prove why they deserve everyone's attention...rather than just earning peoples' respect and attention because they deserve it...

And I just don't want to be that guy, any more...ever again...

Even though, in this case, that guy was/is a guy that I like and respect very much, really...

I've learned and feel in my bones, now, that I can best earn peoples' respect by being me...and learning from people...and expecting them to treat me decent...while cutting everyone plenty of slack...and giving everyone as much space as possible and as they need to be them...

And a shipping dock is an ideal place to practice this...because it's a place where you can just let it all hang out, for the most part:):):)...and it's been a luxury that I don't know what other workplaces I'll ever be able to feel that ever again:):):)...

I'm thinking that I might work the docks during the summers, if they might let me...just because I like it...which is ironic:):)...since so many people talk all the time about how they hate this job:):):)...and I really like it, really:):):)...even though it's totally not the "noble" work of teaching or policy...

In a lot of ways...that's why I like it...because when I fuck something up in this job...people don't all lose their heads that it's the end of the world...

The truth is that fuck-ups in teaching and policy are not the end of the world, either...in fact...they are two areas...policy, now...not politics, necessarily...not yet...though, hopefully this way more in the future...where people can fuck up regularly and have the stakes be high...and to more than anywhere else, I think, have a new day to start everything all over again...

But in my professional work...people always act like fuck-ups are the end of the world:)...too much, that is:)...

But the truth, I think...is that more of the world needs to have some perspective about life...and think about the things that matter in life like they are garage doors...

Garage doors matter...they keep our stuff in our garages...warm...and safe from the elements...and from those who might want to take them...

But, in the end, they're just garage doors...and the less crazy we get about them...the better job we can do with just chilling out and taking care of them to make sure they get made, and prepared, and shipped to their destinations with everything intact:):)...

And similarly:):)...

If people in schools and political and other important institutions...if they recognized that what they do matters...

But...that...in the end...no matter what mistakes get made...

We all still have to wake up the next day and do better that day...

And that while life matters...in the end...it's just life...so you might as well enjoy it, even as we get excited about the things that matter:):):)...

Then...maybe...we could all just chill out a little bit...and see better how to do a better job of things...instead of just being upset about even the big stuff...and missing opportunities to make things better...because we get so lost in looking like we're doing something constructive...rather than just focussing, calmly and patiently, on doing good...on taking constructive steps...and being creative about how we approach issues...to better guarantee...that the doors get out on time and in tact, so to speak:):)...

And learning to stick by one another, in the meantime:):)...

That's my dream, at least:):)...

I think we'll get closer by the end of my lifetime:):)...

But I'm fine with the ride, in the meantime:):)...because I like hanging out with all the people that I get to meet in my life:):):)...strengths and limitations:):)...

And I learned a lot of that working in a shipping dock...

I'm gonna miss these bastards:)...

Ben

Concerned:):):)...

A great week, overall:):)...

A lot of Hootie:):):)...I love Hootie:):)...

I've been a little concerned, today, about something...

That...

No matter how I try...

That...for some people...maybe for a lot of people...

My efforts will never really be enough...

My politics matters a lot me because it says a lot about who I am...and what kind of commitments I have in life...and how committed I am to constructive efforts to deal with difficult problems in the world...

But one relationship with one co-worker, in particular, at work...who's always looking for ways to knock me down...and with one person on a chat board that I frequent, who can be pretty nasty with me (though...to be fair to her...she's gotten a lot better:):)...

A situation with a close friend of mine...a friend who has pulled back, recently, with both me and Melissa when we've met with him...

The situation with my advisor and my grad school...and the seeming irresolvability of that situation...

The situation with Brandi...she's not writing, again...despite an effort on my part to at least engage the conversation (by email) of why she is upset with me so much that we aren't communicating, right now, for reasons that I can only imagine without hearing them from the horse's mouth...

All of these situations leave me feeling like no matter what I do...it will never be enough...

I've done everything I know how to do, thusfar, in each of these relationships...for the most part...

And a lot of times...I'm just like...

"Hey y'all...I'm human...I'm not all-knowing or all-understanding...I'm just doing my best, here, like everyone else...and a lot of times, I have NO CLUE about what to do with a situation...I just keep trying, like everyone else...and sometimes I have no idea what people want...especially if they don't say something..."

And...for all of the pretty decent people detective work...getting to know people...quietly...over time...that I think I do...

Sometimes...I think...it will never be enough...for some people...for too many people...

Makes me kind of sad, really...

What do we all want for each other, I wonder?...

For each other to match up, ideally, with our best images of one another, I think...

It's just not realistic...we all need to time and space to be ourselves and learn and grow...

I know...I know...

I guess I just wish I could know, more, what kind of learning and growing that people are working on, more...or not working on, as the case may be...

And I wish there were more people in my life who felt good about my efforts...and not so many folks wanting to put me in my place...especially when I don't think I need to be put in my place...and certainly wouldn't trust people of so little true inspiration to me or the world to try to humble me, even if I needed it...and more people challenging me whom I trust...because they're commitment to me and the world clearer to me...

On a good note...

I'm feeling an awful lot like my most idealistic periods in my life, recently...

The Hootie tunes are out of a period of my life in the mid-to-late 90's when I was feeling great about the world, largely out of some really exciting learning and growing in undergrad at Wichita State, a really outstanding summer being in love in Washington, D.C., and grad school at the University of Kansas:):)...and out of my really inspired relationship with my best friend, Brandi Fisher:):)...

But...even more than that:):)...

I've been rediscovering a sense of innocence...even amidst a sense of worldliness -- that kind of frightens me, at times, honestly:):) -- that I've been reexperiencing again, these days:):):)...at the ripe old age of 32:):):)...

It's kind of nice, in a lot of ways:):):)...

The innocence of my youth:):):)...

Coupled with the wisdom of some years of experience with and reflection on the world:):)...

The older I get...the more I recognize my limitations...my weaknesses...the inescapable confines of experience...mine...and everyone's...

Sometimes, though...

I just want again...

That sense of connection and wonder I felt...when I was in love...when I was exploring the world with someone who was as inspired or aspired to be, anyway, with the world and people and life, as much as me:):)...

I just want to share all of this experience...this life...with all of its limitations...

With someone else...

So I can say to them...

"What a crazy day":):):)...

And be grateful that they were there to share all of that craziness with me...

I don't know, exactly, where life is going to take me...or where I'm going to end up:):):)...

I don't think any of us do, from day to day:):):)...

And in the midst of all that:):):)...

It would be nice to share this crazy, unpredictable, uncertain life...

...with someone who was as excited and scared and disappointed and inspired and the whole range of human experience...

...with me...

...as open with me...

...as I am with others...

...or more:):):)...

It would be nice:):):)...

To share that kind of openness with someone:):):)...

And to know, without even thinking...as I have twice in the past:):):)...

That I was in love:):):)...

Because my heart was and is and always will be a much better guide than my mind...

...which is always and forever trying to keep up with and being broadened by my more adventurous and open and courageous heart:):):)...

I just want my wishes to be more than wishes, at this point:):):)...

And to look more like dreams fulfilled:):):)...

I better sleep before I'm little more than a walking zombie tonight at work:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Seeing over the horizon...and living in the moment...

I'm so exhausted after a long night of work and not enough sleep, yesterday...

I was going to post on the depths of pettiness that I never imagined in the human psyche...especially the pettiness rationalized by all of us, not just some random member of humanity...

But I decided...instead...that I just wanted to appreciate this moment in my life...

A moment when I am quite confident that I have hit upon something very important and innovative...for the fields of policy...and psychology...and other relevant social science fields...

Economics...international policy...education...history...military history...sociology...anthropology and cultural studies...criminology...law...even some implications for physical science fields like chemistry, physics, biology, etc., I think, as well...or at least important explorations...

Anywhere where people are involved:)...

After reading some psychohistory, recently, posted by a friend on a chatboard...I am quite confident, now, that these principles are important, constructive advancements in our humanity...not just in our study of our humanity:):):)...

And I just feel like looking at the horizon:):):)...

And enjoying the view:):):)...

Because it's an exciting view:):):)...the future of humanity, that is:):):)...

And who would have ever thought that I'd be doing it from the inside of a garage door shipping dock:):):):):):):)...

I love it:):):)...life is so uncertain and unpredictable and crazy and wonderful sometimes:):):):):)...all the time:):):)...and I love it:):):)...

Bill Bradley tells this really great story of his shy, reserved, very decent, disabled Republican father...a man whose great pride in life as a banker was that he did not foreclose on one person's home during the Depression:):):)...sitting on the front porch of their home...drinking a Budweiser (the Bradley family is originally from Missouri...so nothing else would do, as Bill tells the story:):):)...

Just looking over the twilight...looking over life:):):)...

If I had a Budweiser right now:):):):) (we just drank the last of our Samuel Adams White Ale, that just went out of season...so I got a seasonal beer on sale:):):)...it doesn't get any better than that:):):)...

If I had a beer, right now:):):)...

That's exactly what I would do, right now:):):)...

At 29...some special education graduate student from Wichita, Kansas...cracked something that noone else has cracked...as far as I know, that is:):):)...

Something so deeply profound for the course of humanity...

...that I just feel exhausted and humbled by the whole thing, right now:):):)...

I can't really describe the feeling...

Just humbled...

Big thanks go to so many people who've really supported my efforts along the way...Tom Skrtic, of course, who supported my studies and nurtured my intellect in grad school...even if neither turned out the way that he had imagined:):)...and my parents:):):)...Chuck Sutherland...who raised 5 kids as a single dad...and taught me what it looks like to strive to be a great dad all along the way...and Marilyn Kodish...a relatively recent and critically important addition to my family...who supported me, emotionally, through so much insanity of the last 6 years or so...and who've both supported me, emotionally as much as anything else, in ways that I definitely do not take for granted these days:):):)...

But especially Brandi Fisher:):):)...who's love and commitment made so much of this work possible...with her example...her generosity...her decency...her love...her patience...her idealism...

Thanks, Brandi...for being my best teacher...now and always:):):)...

Now the challenge is applying these principles -- theoretically and practically -- in all those areas of life where they can make a far better world, I think:):):)...

I'm going to go get some sleep, everyone:):):)...have a beautiful day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A little terrorism research:):):)...

I can't sleep:):):)...

So I'm doing some really fascinating terrorism research, in the meantime:):):)...

Some important links and scholarship:

A link to Brookings' Institution's Kenneth Pollack's ideas on Iraq, published in a July 1, 2005 column in the New York Times:):)...hat tip to Andrew Sullivan for the link:):):)...

Brookings' Institution's Kenneth Pollack's ideas on terrorism...

Poverty, Political Freedom, and the Roots of Terrorism...a brilliant terrorism paper written by Alberto Abadie of Harvard University and the NBER (I assume the National Bureau of Economic Research, a very reputable economics group, in October 2004)...

Alberto Abadie's Poverty, Political Freedom, and the Roots of Terrorism...Harvard and NBER, October 2004...

On-line Newshour has a Terrorism Index, which features all of their most recent terrorism reports:):):)...

On-Line Newshour's Terrorism Index...

And, specifically...PBS hosted a terrorism discussion on September 7th, 2004, during the election, between Bill Clinton's Secretary of State Madeline Albright anf former Secretary of State under Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger...of particular interest to me was Henry's unexpected but not altogether unsurprising defense of the Administration's handling of terrorism issues and Iraq, specifically...much more than he had hinted at in previous work I had read of Henry's in his book Diplomacy...and in his endorsement of Joe Nye's concerns about multilateralism in Joe's book, The Paradox of American Power...in fact, Henry seems to run away from many of the ideas he expressed in both Diplomacy and in Joe's book in this interview, unfortunately, but, in the heat of an election, not altogether unsurprising...

Jim Lehrer's Newshour's interview with Madeline Albright and Henry Kissinger...September 7, 2004...

Abadie's work, among this list, is the most impressive...I very much agree with his conclusions and was very excited to see Abadie make use of the World Markets Research Centre's Global Terrorism Index of 2003/4 to draw his conclusions...

He has many conclusions that those interested would need to read his report in full to get a complete grasp on:):):)...but...one of the most important is that political freedom is a much better predictor of transnational terrorism than is poverty (a conclusion I VERY MUCH agree with...though even Abadie acknowledges, as would I, that relative wealth inequities clearly have impact since rich nations are much more disproportionately the targets of transnational terrorism, even if they are not where it originates)...

But, Abadie argues...political freedom as a variable in assessing terrorism risk is, as he quite creatively and brilliantly refers to it, "non-monotonic"...as in not monotone...the reason, he argues, is that terrorism is most likely to be bred in countries with medium-levels of political freedom...meaning, Abadie argues quite convincingly, that terrorism is a function of authoritarian regimes making transitions to freer societies and that such terrorism spikes temporarily and then decreases significantly...

I also hypothesize, as I'm reading his brilliant article...if a similar argument could be made that domestic terrorism is also a function of less authoritarian but still less than ideally free, democratic, and equitable domestic arrangements (the contemporary issues of right-wing terrorism in the United States being a critical example)...and that international terrorism, similarly, is a function of less autocratic but still less than ideally free, democratic and equitable distribution of international power and/or wealth (September 11th being a prime example)...I do think that these additional hypotheses might better account for why terrorism is not just facilitated in countries in transition from authoritarian arrangements, but why they seem to strike out at more powerful and wealthy free and democratic nations, peoples, and cultures...I think this would offer a fuller explanation of what we've seen in terms of transnational terrorism, especially since September 11th, 2001, than Abadie's hypothesis alone...though I need to spend more time with Abadie's and the
WMRC-GTI 2003/4 data to draw any firm conclusions...

Something to keep my attention while I try to go back to sleep before I have to work, tonight:):):):):)...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Addendum: I'll have to look at the WMRC-GTI 2003/04 data myself, I think, to consider the hypotheses I explore up above:):):)...Abadie doesn't provide enough of that data, really, at all, to draw any conclusions around those hypotheses...but it's something I'll keep in mind as I continue my mission to track down a copy of the very expensive data collected as part of the World Markets Research Centre - Global Terrorism Index, 2003/04...and, as Abadie argues...some of the better and more rare data of its kind on terrorism (I did just find indices from a group calling themselves Macroknow, today...though their indices, at this point, do not look as credible to me as do the World Markets Research Centre data...though it might be well worth knowing that they rank the U.S. at a comparable though slightly lower risk of terrorist attack, today, as on September 11th...though, as I said...I don't, at all, at this point, vouch for the credibility of that data)...

It is also important to note, as well, I think, that I believe that Abadie minimizes some of the empirical support for alternative explanations for terrorism that I think are important enough to point out...

Linguistic fractionalization, by Abadie's own data reports -- both his Ordinary Least Squares data in Table II and his IV data, to account for reverse causation between terrorism and independent variables -- both are reported as significant at either the .05 or .10 significance levels...and MORE significant at all levels than political freedom on the same levels of the natural logarithm of the WMRC Global Terrorism Index...

Also...and more important to me...though the final table is used in Alberto's conclusions to account for reverse causation, and supports, better, his conclusions that terrorism is more highly correlated with countries of medium-range political freedom than countries of the lowest range of political freedom...the numbers on both his IV table to correct for reverse causation and his OLS table, uncorrected, on first glance, with no statistical analyses to test for significance in the numbers, do not seem to be too terribly different from the numbers, generally, for countries with medium-ranges of political freedom...and the final graph of that data seems to support that conclusion as well, I think...meaning...countries with less political freedom, generally, still do seem to have higher risks, generally, for terrorism, than do countries with more political freedom...

Meaning...

That even though the United States are near the top of the WMRC's list...at number 4...

...and North Korea is last on the list...

OVERALL...these countries appear to be anomolies...

Meaning that, GENERALLY, countries with GREATER FREEDOM appear to be at a LOWER RISK OF TERRORISM...and, GENERALLY, countries with LESS FREEDOM appear to be at a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM...

Lest people use this data to rationalize cracking down on civil liberties and political freedoms to reduce terrorism...

The data, though non-monotonic, as Abadie argues, does not support the idea that less political freedom leads to a lower risk of terrorism...

TOO THE CONTRARY...the data seems to pretty plainly indicate that MORE POLITICAL FREEDOM is correlated with a LOWER RISK OF TERRORISM...

Meaning...

Though North Korea may be ranked below the United States on this index...

GENERALLY...countries as autocratic as North Korea are at a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM as freer countries like the United States, GENERALLY...

A pretty important conclusion to take from this data, I think, lest Abadie's conclusions confuse some people, I think:):):)...

I need to do some independent statistical analyses to consider these qualitative analyses further...

But...on first glance...

1) There isn't enough data reported in Alberto's paper to draw conclusions about the levels of terrorism experienced when less than ideally free, democratic, and equitable arrangements predominate even in more democratic governing situations, domestically -- in more democratic countries like the United States, Great Britain, Spain, France, Germany, the Netherlands, Japan, etc., for instance -- and/or internationally -- within global more democratic arrangements...

...and...

2) That GENERALLY...even Abadie's reporting of the WMRC Global Terrorism Index data seems to support the conclusion that LESS POLITICAL FREEDOM is correlated with a HIGHER RISK OF TERRORISM...and GREATER POLITICAL FREEDOM correlates with a LOWER RISK OF FREEDOM...despite the anomolous positioning of the United States and North Korea, as important extremes, within the data...

Also...

The IV corrections that Abadie performs might also obscure a larger point...which is that the causation may be bi-directional...meaning...independent variables, like political freedom, may result in less terrorism AND terrorism may result in less political freedom, rather than an isolated causation variable, as Abadie attempts to do in these analyses...a pretty important alternative explanation for that data, I think:):):)...

I'll keep researching:):):)...

Correction: The Henry Kissinger book where I remember Henry discussing the need for multilateralism in international affairs was, "Does America Need a Foreign Policy?"...rather than "Diplomacy"...though I believe I read some of the latter book, as well...an excellent read, by the way, for anyone curious about Henry's ideas on international policy:):):)...and it is on the matter of multilateralism that Henry backtracks in this PBS interview that I cite above:):):)...

Reflections on growing up on a Saturday night:):):)...

I'm folding clothes, gathering recyclables, cleaning dishes, working on my resume and applications for jobs:):):)...all on a Saturday night:):):)...I think I'm officially old:):):)...

...though I am watching a series of really excellent films in the process:):):)...

Merchant of Venice, starring Al Pacino and Jeremy Irons:):):)...then Hudsucker Proxy, starring Tim Robbins, Paul Newman, and Jennifer Jason Leigh:):):)...both BRILLIANT MOVIES:):):)...VERY IMPRESSIVE:):):)...

And now, Being Julia:):):)...one of the best performances from Annette Benning I've ever seen:):):)...her role in The American President was good:):):)...but Annette's lacked the kind of gravitas that she has is this role:):):)...very impressive effort on her part, here:):):)...

And as I do all this apartment cleaning on my days off:):):)...

I'm reflecting on just how tired I am of being a parent in my friendships and relationships:):):)...

I don't mind, at all, being a big person:):):)...and I realize that this is just much of what comes with being a big person:):):)...

But I'm also tired of being a parent:):):)...

When Brandi and I were together:):):)...I told Brandi all the time that her choices were her choices:):):)...and that I wasn't interested in being a source of rebellion for her:):):)...though Brandi is/was more mature than most people I know in toto in the world, period:):):)...

And I've had this problem now around the very basic issue of household cleaning in our little apartment with Melissa:):):)...

We've had this issue ever since Melissa and I started living together:):):)...

It's a pretty simple arrangement Melissa and I have:):):)...

I clean:):):)...

She doesn't:):):)...

And it's worn on me for the last several months, in particular, where we've talked about it probably every day of that period:):):)...

To be fair:):):)...

Melissa has gotten better:):):)...

She does laundry...and she often does the grocery shopping...sometimes more than me:):):)...especially in the middle of week when I'm exhausted from a pretty physically and emotionally demanding job:):):)...

Other than that, though...

Melissa just kind of consistently lets things go to shit:):):)...she doesn't pick up after herself:):)...she'll take relatively organized areas of the apartment and slowly devolve them into chaos (the dining room table being the most consistent example:):):)...and she just takes hardly any initiative at all around basic household issues:):):)...

I love having Melissa as a roommate, generally:):):)...she's very easy to get along with:):):)...and she's fun and nice to spend time with, generally:):):)...

But...I have to say:):):)...that this is one facet of having her as a roommate that consistently annoys the shit out of me:):):)...

Now...

At this point...we've talked about this issue almost every day for several months...6 or 7 months, at least...

So the problem is DEFINITELY NOT that Melissa doesn't realize that this is a priority for me:):):)...and after both of us losing things so often (sometimes with serious timelines...a namebadge before work for me was one of the most serious ones, recently)...Melissa, I think, can see that this needs to be a priority for her, as well:):):)...

I think...that for whatever reasons:):):)...that Melissa sees me as some kind of parent-figure:):):)...and that she's just rebelling for the sake of it:):):)...

And I have to say that in any relationship with anyone else that you want to consider an equal...

That this is one of the most annoying things in the world to deal with:):):)...

And what I wanted to say on this post:):):)...

Is that...once...just once:):):)...

I want a relationship with someone who I don't have to parent:):):)...

I just once want to date a partner:):):)...who is both grown up and committed to getting more grown up and learning and growing with me for the rest of our time together:):):)...

Because this parenting friends and girlfriends business:):):)...gets REALLY OLD after a while:):):)...

Sometimes:):):)...I just want to have a relationship:):):)...

Where I can speak and behave freely:):):)...as I can with my younger friends:):):)...

And where I can count on some maturity:):):)...as I can, generally, with my relationships with my older friends and family:):):)...

Are there women like that, out there?:):):)...

I sure hope so:):):)...

Because otherwise it's going to be a rather lonely ride, this crazy life of mine:):):):):):):)...

I've got to get something to eat:):):)...

I hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

KNOWING that people are going to come through for you:):):):):):):):):)...

Does it ever finally dawn on you that when people that you trust the most in the world drop the ball on you...

That those are the people MOST LIKELY, in your life, to pick that ball right back up?:):):):):):):)...

It just occurred to me that there are several people in my life who I've grown concerned would drop the ball on me...

And it has just occurred to me that these are EXACTLY the people most likely to pick it back up:):):):):):):)...

I really don't know exactly how or where or when:):):):):):):)...

But it's just occurred to me...

That if you can look across your life:):):)...

And think about which people in the world that you trust the most:):):):):):):)...and even rank them, as my best friend in the world, Brandi Batayguila "Most Beautiful Daughter of God" Fisher does:):):):):):):)...to the dismay of all of her best friends:):):):):):)...including me:):):)...who only got as high as #2:):):)...since her mom was always #1:):):)...

That those people are EXACTLY the people who are most likely to pick up the ball where they've dropped it in your life:):):):):):):)...

I could make a list like that:):):)...

And I would bet that IN ORDER...or close:):):):):):)...

ALL of those people will pick up the ball for me:):):):):):):):)...

And I just want to say:):):):):):)...

That it's nice to finally feel like I can trust people:):):):):):)...NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...EVERY MOMENT FOR WHAT I HOPE IS MORE THAN JUST THE BULK OF THE REST OF MY LIFE:):):):):):)...

Because you can't put a price on that:):):):):):):)...

Can you, Fisher?:):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, y'all:):):):):):):)...I love you all:):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

In love with life:):):):):):):)...

...that's the feeling I have right now:):):)...

And the funny thing is:):):)...noone really in my life, at this point, that I have those kinds of feelings for:):):)...not quite like that, at least:):):)...

I'm just in love with life, I think:):):)...with all its roller coaster and strong and not-so-strong feelings:):):)...I really love it:):):)...

Last night...at work:):)...I was REALLY TIRED:):):)...I'd gotten like 4 or 5 hours of sleep the day before:):):)...

The night before we had a moment of drama when a member of my new crew, Z, and me, got into an argument when my lead and Z (to be honest...though I let Z off the hook, later on:):):) were pressuring me to load doors faster when I was working tier...meaning working on the various levels of the truck where we load the garage doors:):):)...

We had to talk with our supervisor over the whole affair:):):)...

So today...partly because I was tired:):):)...and partly because of the drama the night before (which was resolved like 10 minutes after it begun:):):)...Z and I are pretty good friends, really:):):)...and hang out, some, outside of work:):):)...

Last night:):)...I decided to play it really chill and avoid any really seriously controversial conversations:):):)...

Z and Zach, the other guy on my crew, for instance:):):)...had this conversation about how gross, in Z's case, and obnoxious, in Zach's case, that each thought public displays of affection by homosexuals was:):):)...

Now...I have strong feelings on this subject, to be honest:):):) (as I have on just about every subject as anyone who's ever known me for like 5 minutes can attest:):):):):)...

I not only LOVE public displays of affection and giving affection publicly by heterosexuals and as a heterosexual:):):) (and could live no other way, really:):):)...

But I think it's REALLY GREAT, really, when I see gays and lesbians -- especially when they are my friends:):):):):) -- engaged in public displays of affection:):):):):)...

I LOVE that I live in Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...a liberal university town:):):):)...where I see more open homosexual couples than I have ever seen, except, perhaps, San Fransisco's Castro district:):):):):)...or Washington D.C.'s Dupont Circle:):):)...

And where they can kiss and hug and hold hands and engage in all kinds of open displays of affection that gays and lesbians often do not feel as comfortable engaging in in my hometown of Wichita, Kansas:):):):):):)...

But I didn't say anything, last night:):):)...

At first I wondered if I should feel guilty that I didn't speak up for my gay brothers and sisters:):):):):):)...

And then I thought how silly that is since it is many of my gay brothers and sisters who would DIE to see me engaged in a night of non-political conversation:):):):):):):)...

It was all pretty funny:):):)...

Plus...I'm no longer on the crew with Kevin and Josh, two of my best friends at Amarr:):):)...where some kind of purposeful conversation was always in the air, at some point:):):)...if only to get us from one, "Do you know how gay you are?" joke to another in our peculiar hybrid vein of sensitive university boy/tough warehouse guy humor:):):):):):):)...

So...

This morning:):):)...when I got home:):):):)...

I hadn't been talking purposeful or political all night:):):)...

And though it was ok:):):)...

It also felt kind of empty:):):)...with all the headaches and heartache that purposeful and political conversation brings:):):)...its absence, while fine:):):)...is just kind of...well...boring:):):):):):)...and empty:):):):):):)...

It may have just been the dark overcast and the morning drizzle:):):):):):)...

But it didn't feel nearly as involved as the more purposeful life that I've chosen feels:):):):):):)...

Reaffirming for me:):):):):):):)...

That, though many people have not chosen a life like this one with me:):):):):):)...

That this is the only life for me:):):):):)...

And...

With all its headaches and heartaches:):):):):):):)...

I LOVE THIS LIFE:):):):):):):):):):)...

I LOVE the opportunity I have to live it in 21st Century America...and as a part of the free and democratic world:):):):):):)...

A fact of life that I WILL NEVER TAKE FOR GRANTED:):):):):):):):):)...FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE:):):):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, America:):):):):):):):):)...for giving me the opportunity to live a life more free and democratic than I would likely be afforded anywhere else on earth:):):):):):):):):):):)...

I'm going to get some sleep:):):):):):):):):)...

I hope everyone has an OUTSTANDING DAY:):):):):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Brother, can you pluck a beam from my eye?:):):):):):)...

Days like today...

I have to ask myself...

Is there any end to the cynicism and the bullshit...

My senior year of college, I did a speech in intercollegiate forensics on political cynicism...

I thought it was bad then...

I've never seen it as bad as I'm seeing it, today...

OK...maybe it was worse a couple of years ago...

But the last 5 years or so have been some of the most cynical, nasty, bitter, rationalizing years that I ever remember living through...

I'm sure we must have had cynicial periods when I was a kid...and that I just didn't know enough to notice them...

But this is the worst shape I've seen people and my country and the world in in my years of paying attention...

And one of the signs of just how bad it is...

Is that I have to periodically ask myself...

Can we all step any deeper in the bullshit?...

Could we all be any more cynical?...

Could the world get any more FUBAR -- Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition -- than it has in the last few years?...

It's not isolated to ideology...or background...or religion...or career...or anything...

It's just us...

All rationalizing what nasty, calculating, self-centered, recalcitrant pricks we all are...

And I wonder on days like today...

Is there ever a bottoming out?...

Are we all forever cursed to moral and personal cowardice?...

Is that the fate to which we will all choose to be cosigned?...

Because I can't handle it if it is...

If that's our fate, and I have to give up with everyone else...

I'm doing it for real...

I'm not sticking around this ugly little species if they can't learn to clean up their acts and be decent people...

I'm making my millions...heading off to some isolated, idealic island...

And I'm going to permanently enjoy a life of misanthropic hermitude...

Because I am SO GODDAMN TIRED OF THE BULLSHIT...and the denials...and the pretending to be better than we really are when we're not even trying, too much of the time...

I am no martyr...

If I don't think there's a shot at humanity getting better...

I'm heading off to the tropics somewhere...

Never to be heard from by the rest of humanity, again, if I can help it...

Because I am SO GODDAMN TIRED of the bullshit that passes for honest living, these days...

Watching people bottom out their expectations of themselves in the last few years has helped me understand the Christ story so much better than I ever did as a child...

I don't believe that Jesus was the Messiah...I don't even believe in a supernatural deity...no personified God...

But I do think that Jesus of Nazareth was a great man and a great teacher and a man who suffered the greatest and a most horrific sacrafice because the people of his time could not face the darkness in their own hearts...Mohatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy, Jack Kennedy, and others faced similar fates for similar enough courage, I think...

And I've never so clearly seen just how recalcitrantly rationalizing of our nastiness that we can be, the small little species that we can often be...

I have hope for humanity, to be sure...

And think that hope (and love) is not only the most needed resource in these dark times...it is one that is too often in too little supply in those who want to rationalize what cynical, mean, nasty pricks we can all often be, at times...

And some days, like today, sap you a little of that much needed hope...

Perhaps, like all such challenges:):):)...this period will make me stronger:):):)...

But I have to say that I've rarely known such a lonely and dispiriting path to strength:):):)...

My faith tells me that not only do these times make us stronger:):):)...but that we all get better, over time:):):)...all of us:):):)...not just those facing the challenges to our faith:):):)...

I don't know...

I just hope...

Because I can't think of anything else to do...

And I'd rather hope than do my bit to drag humanity down with my own cynicism...

Which helps NOT A GODDAMN PERSON...including ourselves...

When we expect the world to be perfect...and it's not possible for us or the world around us to perfect...

It only makes sense that we would be dissappointed...and cynical...and bitter...

Except that bitterness and cynicism doesn't do a GODDAMN THING for anyone..and does so much to keep us from doing and being better...

Makes you wonder why people would hold onto it...

Except, I don't think people who do hold onto them know either...

Except to maintain their illusion that if they believe in their worst fears...

That they can control them...

And not have to face them...

As more courage and a bigger version of themselves might lead them to do:):):)...

Why do we all expect so little of ourselves, I wonder?...it's a defense...but a defense against what, exactly?...against failing?...and then what?...the only thing that can come next...trying again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...and again...

I do have confidence that me and all of my friends and family try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...and fail...and try...

...and succeed:):):)...

I'm not seeing something here:):):):):)...

Someone want to point out the beam in my eye?:):):):):)...

I could sure use it:):):)...

Love,
Ben

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown:):):):):):):)...

When you get a chance:):):)...you should really check out downloading, listening/buying the CD, or going to see a performance of the updated Broadway version of Charles Schultz's musical:):):)...

You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown:):):)...

It's one of the most beautiful musicals I've ever seen or heard in my life:):):)...

Brandi and I saw You're a Good Man when we visited New York the summer we lived together in D.C.:):):):)...

We drove around looking for parking spaces:):):)...that ended up costing $45 for a day space:):):):):)...INSANE:):):):):)...

We went down to Times Square:):):)...and we bought tickets for a musical that, at the time, I thought would epitomize everything that I hated about musicals:):):)...before my best friend, at the time:):):)...and...at that point:):):)...my live-in girlfriend:):):)...had reinvigorated my love for the American musical:):):)...

We got there:):):)...all kinds of kids in the audience:):):)...which...as a teacher:):):):)...I LOVE, of course:):):)...

And we watch this AWESOME performance by Anthony Rapp, B.D. Wong, Kristen Chenowith, Ilana Levine, Kimberly Grigsby, Andrew Lippa, Stanley Mathis, and Roger Bart of this beautiful musical written by Clark Gesner based on the beautiful little cartoon drawn by Charles Schultz:):):)...

It was an AWESOME trip:):):)...

Brandi and I were both in awe of the performance:):):)...and then skipped in the rain to our $45 parking space:):):):):)LOL:):):)...

We drove down to SoHo -- slang in New York City for the neighborhood south of Houston street:):):) -- to find this hotel that we had made a $100 reservation for what turned out to be a REALLY SHITTY little hotel in a kind of scary neighborhood in NYC:):):)...we walked forever from our car to find the hotel:):):)...but we finally found it:):):)...we had gotten lost finding the hotel:):):)...and were fighting, as a consequence:):):)...

When we got to the hotel:):):)...

Brandi was being something of a bitch with the hotel clerk:):):)...and I jokingly referred to it:):):)...and she went OFF ON ME, once we got up to our hotel room:):):):)LOL:):):):):)...

It was all terribly traumatic, at the time:):):)...

Brandi and I wouldn't even sleep in the same room with one another for a bit, there:):):)...I was going to go sleep in the car:):):)...but changed my mind, last minute:):):)...and decided that we could sleep in separate beds:):):)...which is what we proceeded to do:):):)...

It was all SO SILLY AND STUPID, in retrospect:):):)...we were literally fighting over nothing:):):):):)...

But definitely one of the worst fights in our raucus 4 year relationship:):):)...fights that I kind of miss, today, really:):):)...never knowing when I'm going to hear from my best friend:):):)...

The next morning:):):)...

We woke up:):):)...there was kind of that awkward, "We just had a really stupid fight" moment there for a bit:):):):):)...

And then all was forgiven:):):)...and we proceeded to see the rest of New York City on the one really marvelous trip I've had to the Big Apple:):):):)...

It was a beautiful time, overall:):):):):)...

One of the greatest trips of my life, really:):):):):):)...

I was SO IN LOVE:):):):):):):):)...I can't speak for Brandi, anymore:):):):):):)...though I hope she was as in love as I was:):):)...

But I was SO IN LOVE with that girl:):):):):)...

And I am SO IN LOVE with this musical:):):)...and I listen to it all the time, now, that I've downloaded it a million times:):):)...and did a million times before I gave the CD I bought after the show in NYC to my friend, Stephanie Martell, for Christmas, one year:):):):):)...

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND Charles' Schultz' musical about people, young and old...growing up...wrestling with the hard questions:):):)...loving one another:):):)...and learning along the way:):):)...

Songs like the one I'm listening to, right now:):):)...My New Philosophy:):):)...which helped Kristen Chenowith earn the Tony for Best Actress, that year, 1999:):):)...and Suppertime:):):)...which propelled Roger Bart to the Best Actor award that year:):):)...

One of the best years of my life, 1999:):):)...

Some of the best years of my life, period:):):)...

1996 through 2001:):):)...

Slightly better than the years previous:):):)...1991 through 1996:):):)...

Almost as good as the years after 2001 through 2005:):):)...for me, at least:):):)...

Though that one weekend in New York City is one of the high points in my life, period:):):):):)...

When you get a chance:):):)...I highly recommend giving it a listen, reading the lyrics, seeing a performance:):):):):)...

You won't regret it:):):)...

And take a moment to pay some quiet tribute to the original Peanuts creator...Charles Schultz:):):)...November 26, 1922 - February 12, 2000:):):):):)...

Charles M. Schultz Museum...

Thanks, Chuck:):):):):)...you're a good man, Charles Schultz:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Wisdom at 18:):):)...

Went to church again today:):):)...it was nice:):):)...Reverend Brown was gone for a funeral:):):)...so it wasn't quite as exciting or insightful an experience as last week:):):)...but it was a good time, nonetheless:):):)...

I've got to go to work, tonight:):):)...so I'm going to go sleep here in a bit:):):)...

But...today:):):)...

I'm reflecting on what wise choices I made at 18 years old:):):)...how listening to so much wisdom that everyone had to offer me made me a much better person, as a consequence:):):)...

My two most important goals when I was 18 years old:):):)...were to be a great dad:):):)...and to have wisdom:):):)...

Pretty good goals for an 18 year old, I think:):):)...

And I'm just thinking, today...as I consider all of the alternatives for priorities that I or anyone could have in their lives:):):)...

What great priorities that I think I have:):):)...

Love...being in love, that is:):):)...for real:):):)...no compromising that one:):):)...

Being a great dad:):):)...not defending what a great dad that I think I am:):):)...but working hard to be a great and better dad every day:):):)...and a great and better lover and spouse every day, when that day rolls around, too:):):)...

Developing wisdom...a sense of perspective:):):)...a sense of how things are improveable:):):)...and what things I nor anyone really can change (though with a presumption that we should work on the first, before we resign ourselves to the second:):):)...

Being smart:):):)...and loving:):):)...and humble:):):)...and decent:):):)...

Always learning:):):)...never stopping:):):)...until that last breaths stops:):):)...

Appreciating how great life is:):):)...with or without improvements:):):) (hopefully with improvements, of course:):):)...

Loving my friends and my family and everyone with all my heart:):):)...and with every ounce of loyalty that I can offer them:):):)...

Always being bigger and as big as I can always be in the moment:):):)...when I was a kid:):):)...we had this book at church:):):)...called the Big Me and the Little Me:):):)...it's such a great book for kids to learn patience and learning to be thoughtful and decent to others:):):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...it's a great little book:):):)...and now I understand it so much better than I did then:):):)...

Looking forward to my wedding and my marriage:):):)...

There's so many things about me that I'm afraid that people who don't get to know me won't know about me:):):)...and this is one of them:):):)...that I plan my wedding out like so many girls do:):):)...that I have songs planned for my wedding:):):) -- Something That We Do by Clint Black will be sung at my wedding, no matter what:):):):):) -- and the place for the ceremony:):):)...and the reception:):):)...and how to handle photography:):):)...and who will do the music:):):)...and how we'll do it:):):):):)...and a million little details like these:):):)...

There's so many little quirks about me that I'm concerned people who don't know me will never get a chance to know just through this silly little blog:):):)...

How much I love to dance:):):)...

How silly I am:):):)...

How much I LOVE to lay shit on people:):):)...and how good I am at it:):):)...

How much I love to sing:):):)...

What I look like when I'm in love:):):) -- completely doting, by the way:):):)...

How much I love love:):):)...how much I root for people in movies who are in love -- like in the brilliant movie we watched last night, Broken Wings, where three and a half couples (one of the girls was kind of between boys, as it turned out:):):) were falling in love:):):)...and how much I root for the guy to kiss the girl or vice versa whenever that awkward moment comes up in the movie:):):)...

How much I love talking through movies:):):)...talking about the movie:):):)...learning during and through the movie:):):)...

How curious I am:):):)...how much I love learning:):):)...about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING:):):)...the punk and metal scenes:):):)...automotive work:):):)...Topeka, Kansas:):):)...gospel music:):):)...physics:):):)...celebrity lives:):):)...country music:):):)...what's going on in your life:):):)...and your heart:):):)...and your soul:):):)...what makes you you:):):):):)...

How much I love the Dixie Chicks:):):)...and Rascal Flats:):):)...and Diamond Rio:):):)...and Darryl Worley:):):)...and Toby Keith:):):)...and Dar Williams:):):)...and U2:):):)...and the Crash Test Dummies:):):)...and Tracy Chapman:):):)...and the Indigo Girls:):):)...and Aimee Mann:):):)...and Ice Cube:):):)...and Snoop Dogg:):):)...and NWA:):):)...and everyone really:):):):):)...

How much I root for everyone to succeed and have a great life:):):)...even when they're being asses to me:):):):):)LOL:):):):):)...

How much I take love and forgiveness and decency and humanity and being a good person and being smart and wise and being the best person possible, generally, seriously:):):):):)...

My laugh:):):)...my big belly laugh:):):)...how excited I get:):):)...and how angry I get:):):)...how fully I express every emotion I feel in life:):):)...

How excited about scholarship and great works:):):)...how much I am not only not bored by really good academic work and literature:):):)...but how thoroughly I LOVE reading works by folks like Abraham Maslow:):):)...and Amartya Sen:):):)...and Benjamin Barber:):):)...and Joseph Nye:):):)...and Paul Peterson:):):)...and David Gergen:):):)...and Bill Bradley:):):)...and Leo Busclalia:):):) (sp?:):):)...and Mary Wolstencraft:):):)...and Henry David Thoreau:):):)...and Harper Lee:):):)...and J.D. Salinger:):):)...and Wayne Muller:):):)...and a whole truckload of people that many people may or may not have heard of:):):)...

How much I love the University life:):):)...and how much I think much of the world should be much MORE like it:):):):):)...including Universities:):):)...that often get far too insecure about just how great an institution in contemporary life that they are:):):):):)...

And how excited I get about doing good work in the world:):):)...how much I am full of idealism:):):)...tempered, appropriately, I think, most of the time, of course:):):)...like all of us:):):)...by a realistic outlook on people, human nature, and life, generally:):):)...

HOW MUCH I LOVE SHARING THOSE THINGS WITH SOMEONE ELSE OR MULTIPLE OTHERS:):):):):):):)...who share those passions with me:):):):):)...for intellect:):):)...for good works:):):)...for wisdom:):):)...for being a decent person:):):)...for freedom:):):)...for democracy:):):)...for life:):):)...

And how much I do all of this with a pretty fuckin' foul mouth:):):):):)...and an eye that it always checking out whichever new girl that I happen to meet:):):)...and with a love for rockin' out at a music concert:):):)...and doing great and not so great plays with our little theater company, here in town:):):)...and meeting new people:):):)...and talking about their lives:):):)...great:):):)...and not so great:):):)...

There's just so much to me that I always want to share:):):):):)...and am always concerned that people don't get a chance to share with me in the same way that I want to share what is important to them:):):):):)...

And how much I want to share that with at least one person who cares about me as much as I care about them:):):)...

There's several people in my life who are close on that mark:):):)...though there is one person who does seem to care as much, right now, that I really appreciate a lot:):):)...I'm not telling who:):):)...we'll see what happens with that one:):):)...

In the meantime:):):)...I love sharing of myself:):):)...and I love learning from what others share of themselves with me:):):)...

It's what I live for, really:):):):):)...for what I and others can share of ourselves:):):):):)...and make the world a better place for ourselves and for others in the meantime:):):):):):):)...

I better get some sleep, to anyone who's reading:):):)...I've got to work tonight:):):):):)...

But thanks for reading if you happen to be reading:):):):):)...

This kind of sharing is what I live for:):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...talk with you soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Yet one more reason to be endeared to Laura Bush:):):)...

Laura Bush visited Rwanda this week to pay tribute to the 800,000 Rwandans killed in the 1994 massacre by Hutu extremists of minority Tutsis and moderate Hutus...

Laura Bush, Cherie Blair in Rwanda remember victims of violence...

Laura Bush Pays Tribute to Slain Rwandans...

Bush daughters bring goodwill, gifts to Africa...

I love this woman:):):)...she, like her husband:):)...seems like a simple woman:):)...but a woman with an essentially good heart:):):)...that I really appreciate:):):)...and her words reported in this story are very moving for a First Lady to recognize the terrible and unspeakable tragedy of genocide inflicted on Rwandans in 1994...

What a sweet woman:):):):):)...very impressed with Laura Bush:):):)...as well with her husband, in different ways:):):)...

And what about those girls?:):):):):)...man, they've grown up, haven't they?:):):):):)...Jenna is working as a teacher in an inner city charter school:):):)...and Barbara is working as a volunteer with AIDS orphans:):):)...these kids are REALLY impressing me:):):)...their parents did a great job, it looks like to me:):):)...

And as President Bush sinks lower and lower in the polling numbers:):):)...

He, too, becomes all that more endearing to me:):):)...

Can you imagine what this family has been through?:):):)...do you know what I would do if my dad was being charged unfairly and publicly with being a war criminal and a being called stupid all the fuckin' time from a bunch of smarmy liberals like me?:):):):):)...

I'd stick right the fuck by him...and be inspired that he could stick through all that shit, ever-imperfectly, as any of us would do, to do the best he knew how to make this world a better place:):):)...

The truth is that I love people when they are losing:):):)...I don't say that facetiously:):):)...I mean it:):):):):)...I love people when they are humbled:):):)...and God knows that this President has needed this kind of humbling:):):):):)...

And I would bet that George Bush, like Jimmy Carter, will make a decent President:):):)...as he has:):):)...

But an even better post-President:):):):):)...using his understanding and concern for the world and name-recognition to celebrate all kinds of efforts to improve the lives of people all over the world:):):)...

That's my bet:):):):):)...and I think -- knowing, basically, what kinds of people the Bushes...Laura and George, both...really are:):):):):) -- that is exactly what we will find from these two simple but essentially very decent and very good people:):):):):)...

Thank you, Laura:):):)...for gracing us with your esteemed and warm and inviting tenure as first lady:):):):):)...and for raising two such wonderful young daughters:):):)...

And thank you, George:):):)...for your Presidency:):):)...despite many mistakes:):):)...you are essentially a very good and decent and intelligent man, I think:):):):):)...doing your best to navigate an ever-complicated world:):):):):)...

And to try your best to make it better for your presence in it:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Are you out there?...

Dar Williams has this really great song called "Are You Out There?" that I'm thinking about this morning as I contact people I've lost contact with...after talking with a friend, I'm getting over my stupid bitterness I've harbored against my mom and finally calling her after 2 years...I haven't really harbored a lot of bitterness and anger, really...I've just not been that inspired to call her given our last conversation nearly two years ago...it's a private conversation that I'm not going to share...but, needless to say, it was upsetting to me...it lasted about 10 minutes, tops...and I haven't talked with her since...

And Brandi is back in contact with me...but she's not engaging me substantively, at this point...our communication is polite...but superficial...and I've gotten over my despair and resignation about the situation and decided to call her and see if she'll share with me what she's upset with me about:)...I think I know:)...though I don't quite understand it, really...and am genuinely open to hearing what a jerk she thinks that I've been in whatever form she would like to share that:):)...I'll take poetry:):):)...but I imagine she's kind of angry:)...and I know after various periods of silence with Brandi in the last couple of years:):):)...that, without reservation or questioning, anymore:):):):):):)...

That I FAR PREFER fighting and anger to silence:):):)...which leaves me feeling so sad that I can't even get to know her anger (or anyone's anger, for that matter:)...that instead she would just shut me out:):)...

So:):):)...in honor of those contacts and two more I'm trying to make with a friend of mine, Devang, who I didn't call back out of exhaustion some time back and want to be in contact with:):):)...and with my friend, Ned, who's written some emails that I felt a little overwhelmed with, at the time:):):)...but that I need to return:):):)...

I'm dedicating this post to Dar Williams:):):)... and her beautiful song, Are You Out There:):):)...which...on her most recent live album:):)...she dedicates to free speech radio (radical radio...that you hear "comes in really crackly into the bedrooms of suburban teenagers":):):):):):):):)...

The song implicitly asks and answers the question...

Are you out there?...

Is anyone listening to all of this?...

Am I reaching anyone?...

And Dar answers in the song...

"I was out here listening all the time"...

And it's a question I ask myself, right now:)...

Wondering...

Are you out there?:):):)...

I can only hope:):):)...

It's a great song:):):):):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben