Darkness before the dawn:):):)...

I'm pretty sure, now, that we are seeing the darkness before the dawn...

Because this whole last week...today, especially...

I'm been getting a really nice peek at the dawn:):):)...

And it's a really beautiful view, let me tell you:):):)...

When I was in grad school:):)...

I went through this really cynical period:)...

Brandi can tell you about it, if you ask her:):)...

It was the middle of the Clinton Administration and the Gingrich/Dole Congress...which was both a highwater mark for some really constructive policy, I think:):)...and a low point for some really awful partisanship, as well...

And I was just growing really disillusioned that Washington D.C. was even really capable of doing good, much of the time...and I was feeling increasingly disconnected from Washington politicians and journalists and others and all their thick skins and cynicism...

And I was trying to make sense of it all...of how so many people who believed in doing good in the world...

Could all act to terribly towards one another...

How in the world I was supposed to look at that as some kind of model of morality...or neighborliness...or decency...or humanity...or whatever...

And I'm increasingly come to the conclusion...

That I'm not...

That power has nothing at all to do with doing or being good, much of the time...

Sometimes it does...

And sometimes it's necessary...

But that the ideal of a self-governing nation doesn't at all involve politicians of whatever stripes...or even citizens of whatever stripes...always lording over one another...as if they're power-tripping and bullying had anything to do with being or doing good or facilitating authentic self-governance amonst individuals, communities, and societies...which the more base reactions to Hurricane Katrina totally give lie to...

It is the generosity of Americans, during this time, that is the model of self-governance that we should all learn from and do justice to by following its example...

And everything else, really, is just bullshit...yet one more target for our ongoing bitterness and anger that the world is not as clean and predictable and without tragedy as we would want...and a fundamental failure of our humanity...to come to terms with tragedy as a fact of human existence...now and forever...

So...in grad school...I felt the pain of a world that disappointed me...

And I chose cynicism...for awhile, at least...

Brandi could tell you more about it...it was kind of dark time for me...

But...today...I see and experience that same pain...

And I choose idealism...and constructiveness...and decency...and humanity...and generosity...and a generally helping spirit...

Because it is the only thing that does any damn good in this world...

Everything is just bullshit, really...

And I'm not interested in pretending any different any more...

And the disaster that accompanied Katrina...has just been something of a clarifying moment for me...something of a watershed...

That cycicism is just one long slippery slope of rationalizing what assholes we are...

And how I don't want to rationalize, at all, ever...ever...any more...being an asshole, anymore...

I don't want to be an asshole, any more...as much as possible...ever...

And I want to take responsibility for it every single time I am...

Every single time...

Period...

No excuses...

And that's what it means to be decent...and responsible...and good, I think...

And that's me for the rest of my life...

Embracing my inner asshole...really embracing him...loving him...and understanding him better...

And taking responsibility every step along the way:):)...

And doing everything I can to maintain...enlarge...elaborate...innovate...and otherwise inspire that spark of idealism...

For the rest of my life...

And make no excuses for myself, any more, when I don't...

It was nice to do that for three months and several years with someone else to help me reinforce that:):):)...

But...while it's not the same thing...doing it without sharing it with someone...

I'm really proud of myself doing that today...on my own...whether people around me reinforce it or not:):):)...

Just being good...and aspiring to be better...always...and embracing the moments and the impulses to do otherwise:):):)...

And it sure beats the dark fantasy that we can somehow avoid doing bad in our lifetimes...and that we've got to beat ourselves up and beat everyone else up, along the way...while we both rationalize it...and hate ourselves for it:):)...

I feel like...in this really fundamental way...

That I've grown up in the last week...

In a really fundamental way...

Because it's not a way that anyone demonstrated for me, really...

It's been a path that I've followed others for, when they had directions...

And that I've blazed on my own, when they didn't:):):)...

And I'm really proud of that:):):)...

I do wish I had someone to share it with:):):)...

But it's alright that I don't:):):)...

I really, really like who I am today:):):)...

And I want to be more like this and better for the rest of my life:):):)...

And hopefully...share it with my friends and family, of course:):):)...

And...find someone who wants to step out of their comfort zones:):):)...take on the challenge:):):)...

And share this life with me:):):)...

To aspire for greatness:):):)...and not the same old mediocrity that the world has to offer right now and perpetually:):):)...

I feel completely renewed, right now:):)...

I feel like a kid again:):):)...seeing the world with wonder...and curiosity:):):)...and boundless love:):):)...

But not naive...at all...

Just embracing reality as it is...

And committed to making it better:):):)...

And borrowing ideas from all kinds of people, along the way:):):)...on how to make it better:):):)...

Have you ever had that feeling?...that feeling that your life really matters, I mean...really matters...

I definitely recommend it...

Because there's nothing like it...

You couldn't buy this feeling if you wanted to:):)...

You earn it:):):)...

And I'm proud as hell that I've earned it:):):):)...

I have one friend who once aspired to earn it like this...she's the only one who has ever aspired to try to earn it in a way even close to this:):):)...I hope she continues on that path, at some point...

And I'm looking forward, like crazy, to meeting others, along the way:):):)...

And maybe one of them...a girl, hopefully:):):)...will choose to earn it along with me:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben