Becoming clearer that Ms. Fisher did me a huge favor...

I don't know why...but this afternoon's got me to thinking...

About what a genuinely huge favor that Brandi did for me...and I didn't even realize it at the time...

It's taken me a long time to accept something I never wanted to accept in the immediate aftermath of Brandi's and my relationship...

Which was...that despite just how unboundlessly unconditional and blind and romantic my love was for Brandi...

That that kind of love wasn't reciprocated...

I didn't want to believe that after we broke up...

And it never even really occurred to me when Brandi and I were together...

I was just kind of naive, I think:):)...and blind...to Brandi's flaws...so completely enraptured I was with being so in love:):)...

It's pretty clear to me, now, that Brandi didn't value me, period, nevertheless love me, even slightly comparable to how in love I was with her...and how much I valued our friendship...

And the idea of that...hurt so much after Brandi and I broke up...that I just coudn't imagine it to be true...

I was just so blinded, I think, by our potential...by her potential...that I didn't take nearly enough time, I suppose, to really sit and contemplate who Brandi was...and who she might be that she wasn't sharing with me...

It didn't even occur to me for whatever stupid, naive reasons:):):)...

That who she really was might fall so short of who she promised to be...

And the reason why that is such a huge favor to me...

Is because...truth be told...I totally and completely deserve someone who loves me like that...like I love them...that unconditionally...that passionately...that full of purpose and life...

And I was just so focussed on Brandi's potential for that kind of love, I think...that I kind of lost track of where she really might have been, as a person...

And Brandi leaving me...and not talking to me any more...

Just totally frees me up...to hold out for that kind of love...

Rather than settling...for what Brandi had to offer...

Which didn't turn out to be much, sadly...

The funny thing is...it's kind of crazy and unexpected...

But the more my arm is twisted...and the more I have to choose between a life I love...and a life that I'm forced to live with...

The more it becomes clear to me that I just couldn't choose anything else but a life I love...I just don't have it in me, really:):):)...and I'm just not intimated enough by the alternative, I suppose:):):)...

All this armtwisting has kind of made me a tough guy with really big heart, I suppose:):):)...

And I guess I'm just making some peace, too, then...that I just couldn't live that life with someone who would settle for less, either...

I need someone who can love that powerfully...

And Brandi, for better or for worse...

Just turned out not to be that person...

And the really huge silver lining in that very dark cloud...

Is that now my eyes are far more wide open...

Waiting for the kind of woman who can love that powerfully:):):)...and love me as powerfully or more than I love her...

It's been a long, painful road to face that reality...

But one well worth traveling...

So I can be loved as much as I love...and not settle for less:):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben