Focussing on my weaknesses

I'm really sad.

I can't seem to get anything right, these days.

Everyone I encounter seems to look at me through my weaknesses. I can't ever seem to be appreciated for my strengths, anymore.

I don't know if it's good guys finishing last or the fate of a strong and independent mind or people assuming I must not be tough enough or hard enough or imposing enough or rules-adhering enough or if I'm just an ordinary joe-schmoe having life not work out, sometimes, like anyone else.

I've decided that I'm going to spend the next few months giving very careful attention to my major areas of weakness around organization, financial issues, legal/rules issues, appearance, and anything else I can think of. I give all of these issues considerable attention. But not as much as some people.

The bottom line for me is that I don't want my ideas to given short shrift ever again for any reason whatsover. I don't want my mind to be overlooked ever again for any excuse that people can find. And I don't want my heart to be an excuse for anyone to ever take me for granted ever again.

The woman and people I'm looking to spend most time with, I'm sure, will not have these problems with taking such strengths for granted, I can only hope, since I can only hope that my strengths will be as important to them as they are to me.

But I don't want anyone ever again to have an excuse ever again to take me for granted. I want to beat all other relevant expectations so soundly that I'll never have to experience this feeling with people ever again.

I am tired of being an exotic oddity with people and to have them focus on weaknesses that, for them, are strengths, all because they don't appreciate, well enough, the significance of intelligent thought in their own work.

It's important whether people recognize that or not. It may not be the most important thing on a basketball court (although it's important there, too). But most other places, it is more important than anything else because it is the resource from which every other problem is resolved.

And my job, now, is to make that so abundantly clear that that fact can never ever again be avoided by anyone I ever work or spend time with again in my life.

Anyone who fucks me over with good intentions only gets credit for their good intentions from here on out, and anything, honestly, that they might have contributed. But I don't romanticize Brandi or KU or Eisenhower, anymore. I love what I do. And I love people, generally. But I don't romanticize them anymore. I want to fall in love. But I want to fall in love with someone on her merits. I want to do and work somewhere I love. But I want to work and do what I love based on its merits. I always want to be paid and promoted and honored and appreciated for what I love. But I want to be paid and promoted and honored and appreciated based on my merits.

I'm on a mission to make so crystal clear my merits that noone will ever be able to credibly say boo about them, again, except to help me and others improve and only have credible criticisms in those situations where they are right. And my efforts will be to anticipate those criticisms as often and as thoroughly as I can as much as I am humanly possible. And when people do have criticisms that say that I can't play on the team ever again, they better have a good argument.

I just hope I never develop dementia. Because I will be hell to deal with if I do:).

Love,
Ben