Making me feel bad for who I am

I don't think in my entire life that I have ever so frequently been made to feel bad for who I am.

It may be that people think I'm too liberal, which would be ironic since I'm not really a conventional liberal at all (I support the surge, after all).

But I think it's because people think I'm too nice. Which has been one of my stronger qualities since I was a kid. I'm not always nice. Noone is. But I think a lot of people, right now, just think of me as too laid back, too easy going, too nice, too soft, too weak.

That's also kind of ironic given how much shit I've eaten, lately, and how much strength I've had to have to make it through all of it without bitterness and jadedness swallowing up my life.

But I've never had so many encounters with people where they seem to imply with their body language, "What's wrong with you?"

I suppose somewhere between Ahmadenijad and me is the right balance. Somewhere between Hitler and Ghandi. Somewhere between Stalin and King.

The inanity of it makes me want to give up much of the time, these days. What's the use of being thoughtful when muscle will always trump?

Because that's bullshit, that's why. Everyone knows that muscle can only do so much. We're all just too big of pricks to acknowledge that muscle just fucks so much up. We're too proud, and too stupid, and too foolish, to face what is plainly the reality if we didn't spend so much of our lives trying to defend our foolish choices. And I, for one, am tired of that bullshit fucking up life for everyone. And I mean everyone. The whole foolish human race.

And our foolishness and pride will be on display for our progeny and their progeny whether we want to face that or not. And I don't care, anymore, how much people try to resist facing up. I just know that all of our lives are over and our kids and grandkids are studying us and our choices, the question they will ask (or should ask) will be, "Did they do the wise thing? Did they do what was best for everyone, and not just for themselves?" And they won't give a shit about our pride. They never do. I don't give two shits about the pride of my parents' generation, who are so full of themselves I can barely stand it. So are their children, unfortunately. And so will be their children and their children if we can't find a way to reduce and end this propensity for us to hide how bad we are instead of becoming good and always better for real. Imposing ourselves on one another has never worked to this end, for the entirety of human history. Ghandi knew that. As did King. We just are too goddamn proud and foolish and cowardly to acknowledge it ourselves.

And I, for one, am tired of being made to feel bad so good people won't have to face their pride. And become great.

Love,
Ben