Making peace

I have a paper to do this weekend. It is not a paper of my choice. It's a fine paper about developing a special education program. But there are better ways that I might spend my time. I don't hate the paper. I hate the fact that I have to do it as part of a licensing requirement for my job despite the fact that it has marginal utility to my job.

All weekend, I have been dealing with a central and most serious feeling in my life which this paper has been symbolic of in my life: my hatred for being coerced to do things against my will and against my better judgment.

It's taken me awhile, this weekend, to finally settle down, face the feeling, and recognize that this is what I've been honestly dealing with and why I've resisted this paper as long as I have.

I really like the professor. And I enjoyed the class quite a bit, too.

I just really, really hate having my arm twisted to do things that I don't want to do when I can think of better ways to spend my time.

I don't think I'm unusual in this sense. I just think I've been fighting this much longer than it has rationally served me in the least. That's how much I hate being compelled to do things beyond my will. I really hate it. Because I work so so hard to do good in the world out of my free will, because it's the right thing to do, and not because anyone forced my hand otherwise. I've done plenty of bad, in my life. But it has always been my conscience and not the threat of sanction that has brought me around. To the contrary. The threat of punishment has, generally, added an element of excitement to doing bad that, as it does for most people, gives it an attraction that would otherwise be missing without the threat and an excitement that only finally wears off when I stop being afraid of sanction and when it is not imminent.

And tonight, I'm making peace with the fact that there are things in life that I will have to do, laws I will have to follow, rules I will have to obey, even if I am not afraid of sanction and even if the rules and laws in question, while petty, are reasonable, even if they are the result of one faction or another muscling them into the lawbooks and making my life all that more difficult for no good reason.

I do think I'm genuinely making peace with this as much as I will never, ever make peace with anyone forcing my hand to do anything that does not line up with my conscience and my judgment. I just don't want to live my life in futile and senseless rebellion against something that I cannot defeat except by writing and talking and persuading folks that we should only coerce one another when danger is imminent and we have no other option. But that world - a world where most people take that seriously - may and probably will not likely exist in my lifetime. We will get closer. I am confident of that. But we will move slowly. And there is a lot of coercion I will have to make peace with in the meantime.

I hate being bullied, is the truth. And being bullied for a good cause is no different. Especially since much if not most of politics is people bullying for what they believe to be good causes or in opposition what they are convinced are the evil designs and causes of their opponents. It is everything that I want to change in politics and in democratic life. So you can imagine that it has not been the easiest thing for me to make peace with in my own life. But my sanity and peace of heart and mind needs for me to make this peace. So I do.

I'll finish this paper. And deal with the lingering feeling of defeat and resentment in my heart. And then I'll go on with my life.

But how much nicer would it be if I and everyone could live in the confidence that others would only make them feel this way when they were a true danger to others or themselves enough to warrant some form of force or aggression to remove the danger they pose.

Almost literally every other discussion in democratic politics centers around this matter and how much people welcome or resist the various impositions that their neighbors, friends, and family would impose on them.

I don't know. Maybe it's me. Maybe I just need to make this peace and accept that this unresolved feeling in my heart is what most people call good when it comes to matters of the heart. I don't think I can call it good. But I do think I'm tired of fruitless fighting and rebellion against having my arm twisted.

I have a paper to finish. And a heart to tend to that still needs feels a little uneasy. I just hope I won't feel this uneasiness as a regular fact of my life, as a rule rather than as an exception.

Who knows what life has to bring. More peace I hope.

Love,
Ben