How often can I be wrong...let me count the ways...

I was looking into the possibility that I read in a news report that Chuck Hagel, Republican from Nebraska, who has been critical of the war and the President over the war, might be running for President...

Chuck Hagel...at Wikipedia...

When I happened upon this fairly comprehensive review of potential Presidential candidates in 2008...

Wikipedia review of the 2008 Presidential election...

I've been saying for a while, given the falling poll numbers for the President, that a Democrat was likely to win the Presidency in 2008...

But the poll numbers don't seem to bear that out...

If you'll scroll down to the bottom of that page...

You'll find a list of polls of potential races between Democrats and Republicans...

John McCain seems to be the slightly better candidate, in terms of facing off with potential Democrats, over Rudy Guliani...though polls of Republicans just a little bit lower on that page seem to indicate that, at this point, Rudy seems to be the slightly favored choice of his party...

Jeb Bush, apparently, would be beat by almost every Democrat put against him (as it should be with his rightward lurch in all the wrong ways Florida, right now)...

And though Hillary Clinton is the clear front-runner among Democrats right now...

She would be beat by both Rudy and John according to those polls...John Edwards could edge out Rudy, but not John...

I think I could even vote for John McCain over Hillary Clinton, actually...even though he is pro-life...and he and Ms. Clinton are pro-choice...

Abortion isn't likely to get more restricted much, I don't think...which is just fine with me...though removing restrictions would be a fine thing in my mind...so Rudy and Hillary have appeal to me on that front...

And I am no fan of campaign finance regulations that John would impose on campaign spending...I agree with John's aims...while looking squarely at what to me seems like the pretty clear evidence that campaign finance regulations -- like drug control and gun control -- are regularly circumvented by politicians...Tom Delay being one offender among a whole sea of them in Washington, D.C...it's kind of laughable, really, to have Washington riding Major League Baseball about steroids as a federal offense when so many of their own get away with a much more serious moral, nevertheless legal, offense against American democracy...

Having said that...I oppose campaign finance regulations (this was not always the case...I supported them and one of their other major supporters, Bill Bradley, in the 2000 election) as an unrealistic, counter-productive, and ultimately speech-limiting influence on American elections...George Will did a very nice column on this last facet of this issue that he is so rightly passionate about referring to an abrogation of free speech, I believe, in an August 22nd, 2004 editorial for the Washington Post...

Campaign Cops and Car Ads...

...that outlines the very sad case of Russ Darrow, the Republican challenger to Congressional campaign finance champion Russ Feingold...whose used-car business ads were challenged by Common Cause, the leading non-profit champion of campaign finance regulation, in their 2004 Senate campaign...

And, as George argues...essentially because Russ Darrow was running against Russ Feingold...who Common Cause saw as their man to end the ugliness of money having so much influence in Washington and over the political process...

Having said that...

I like John McCain's integrity a lot...like Bill Bradley...though I disagree with them on one of both of their signature issues...

I like them as men...

I like the kind of temperament (I like John's temper, frankly...tells me he lays everything out on the table...and doesn't hide it under layers of pretense and denial) and gravitas they would bring to the office of the Presidency...I like both of their genuine desires to look out for the little guy and the underdog...

Bill was pro-choice...as is Hillary Clinton...as is Rudy Guliani...which I prefer...

But Rudy's stances on crime I take issue with him...again...clearly I agree with his intent...but Rudy both took way too much credit for the bettering crime situation in New York I think (which had started -- both in some of the constructive approaches and in their consequences, before his Administration)...and engaged in some really questionable practices to reduce crime in the Big Apple, his signature issue...

Rudy Guliani...Wikipedia...

I love that Rudy is both pro-choice and supports gay rights (staying with a gay couple while he was divorcing his first wife...and I don't like that he cheated on his wife, of course...but I prefer a sinner to the self-righteous, any day...so it kind of endears me to him, actually:):):)...as it endears me to John McCain, as well, whose shown a lot of remorse for cheating on his wife...though I imagine Rudy feels some remorse, as well)...

But the best thing that I love about all of these candidates...

Is that there are some very fine, decent, intelligent people running for the office of the Presidency in 2008...they have disagreements...I have disagreements with them...I'm sure everyone does...

But they would all make fine Presidents...well...each of these would...and many of the others running for office would, as well...

It's not a perfect process...democracy...including American democracy...

But that's the beauty of it...

That it is so diverse...that there are so many different ways at coming at issues...and that we learn to respect one another, as much as possible, in the meantime...I've learned that sometimes people need a little check on their democratic behavior when its aggressive and not civil...but...all in all...learning to respect and embrace and support one another as people...is far more important than any of the issues, alone...

We so lose track of this in politics, I think...

That the whole purpose of the whole spectacle is to help people...to support them...not just in the abstract...but real, live, breathing people...including the politicians who volunteer to enter the muck that is American and democratic politics, much of the time...and to still try to do some good amidst all the cynicism and assumptions of bad faith...

The reason why I think each of these people would make fine Presidents, actually...is because I've now had the pleasure of meeting the politically cynical and apathetic, up close...

And the truth is that cynicism in a democracy is one of the most corrosive influences within it...

Idealism really does matter...and it is a damned shame when people lose track of the ideas...to validate their bitterness and disappointment that the world doesn't live up to their expectations...

Rather than simultaneously to having better expectations for the world...making their expectations more realistic for the world we live in...rather than being perpetually disappointed that the world we live in is not the world we wished we lived in...

I'm disappointed by that quite a bit, actually...but in the context of also accepting people as they are...and expecting them, realistically, to get better:):):)...

And...the more time I spend doing them...expecting more from people, really, as I do from politics...

As Alexis DeToqueville quite insightfully noted almost 200 years ago...

American...and all democracy, really...is more dependent on the quality of the efforts by its people...than just by its politicians...

And Americans and democratic citizens all over the world...perpetually get a pass in how they corrode their own communities and societies with their cynicism...

And then...for whatever asinine reasons...they're completely and utterly surprised when the world matches their cynical expectations...

Rather than making their expectations more realistic and more idealistic simultaneously...developing an idealism that is not romantic...but that is based squarely on the realities in front of you...

That is democracy at its best...and these candidates do a fairly good job of doing it...and the American and democratic peoples all over the world need to do a better of it, as well, I think:)...

Many of them do...despite my concerns about democratic backsliding in the last 4 or 5 years, or so...

This is one of the most robust times for freedom and democracy in the history of freedom and democracy and humanity and the world...

The enlightenment thinkers who made all this possible would be quite proud, I think...that we have so surpassed their expecations...by far, I imagine...

We take those thinkers so for granted...when they made so much of the freedom and equity that we love possible for us...

When they dreamed of a better world...when there was much more darkness in that world...and only glimmers of the light...

We live with more light in our world...and with the possibility of even more light...if we open up the dark places within ourselves...and find room for the light in our own hearts and minds...

It takes work...loving and caring about people...it takes a lot of work...

But it's work well worth it...those who wanting to hope and believe that we can be better with and to one another...

I believe...more and more each day:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Bullying...

When we bully like we do...and it's all around, like it is...

Why are we surprised when our children turn out to be bullies?...

And that the worst of those bullies go into their schools and kill other children?...

Why does that surprise us?...

Why is it so hard to see that the bullies that our children become...

Are generally a reflection of us...

I'm tired of that legacy...

I want it to end...

Ben

Right on the fuckin' money...

I need to vent, here, for a moment...

Ron Hutcheson of Knight Ridder is right on the fuckin' money in this brilliant defense of the mainstream news media...

Mainstream media suffer collateral damage from Iraq war...

Folks on the left are upset that the media didn't criticize the war, enough, they said (even though many members of the media far anticipated most Americans in their criticism of this war)...and that they don't show enough of the gruesome details of the war (even though body counts are reported almost literally every day)...

Folks on the right complain that it is the media's fault that support for the war has dropped off...

Instead of the clear, objective evidence that the number of troops being killed has increased...which really is kind of a nuisance to self-righteous activists looking to buttress and defend their view...not test its validity...not question it...and themselves...

And Ron Hutcheson hits the nail right on the fuckin' head...

That...for the most part...the American and international news media have done a pretty amazingly admirable job covering this war...and that the diversity and free, democratic, and independent nature of that same media is one of the strongest and most taken for granted guarantors of democracy, right now...no matter what self-righteous advocates say -- who will never be satisfied until they have bullied their way into dictating exactly how every single American and international citizen reads, thinks, and votes in exactly the directions they want...the persistent attacks on the news media being just one example of that bullying...

No matter how mindless that course might be...

Because the truth is that too many activists (of which I count myself one...though I try not to be of the self-righteous variety) don't really care about the truth nearly enough, really...

It's kind of a bother, really...

It requires that they do something that they don't like normally doing...

Thinking...

And thinking hard...

Meaning...

Having to do what most people have to do...

Which is acknowledge that they just might not know exactly how the world works and functions...

Because the truth is that to admit that they might not know...

Scares the living shit and bejeesus out of them...

Because what will they do if they have to navigate this uncertain world without knowing everything?...

Like the rest of us have to...

They just might have to face up to what nasty, mean, bullying motherfuckers they've become...

Right or wrong...

They just might have to acknowledge that they have been playing God...trying on their armor of omniscience and omnipotence in a world of uncertainty...

...in a world that has enough people playing God, right now...thank you very much...

They just might have to do what the rest of us have had to do...

To admit that they don't know everything...

That they're just not quite sure what is best...what is right...what, exactly, is wrong...

That...like the rest of us...

They're trying to piece through the whole thing...

They're just too scared to cut anyone any slack...

Because surely being right is more important than being open to being wrong...

I want to repeat the fucked up logic that animates peoples' self-righteousness...

That being right is more important than being open to being wrong...

And if we can never acknowledge that we might be wrong...because we are so obsessed with being right...

How will we ever find out what it means to be right, for real, at all?...

Maybe it's because we just don't know what it's like to even be very close...so lost are we in our own fear...

Well...you know what...

I understand that people are scared of the dark...

But when you are scared of the dark...

You need to move toward the light...

And there is no light at the end of the tunnel of self-righteous activism and journalism and blogging and conversation and what the fuck ever that claims to have all the answers...

Because that world doesn't exist...

And in the meantime...that dark fantasy fucks a lot of shit up...

And most important of the things that it fucks up...is that it seriously distorts both truth and an honest pursuit of the truth...

In its desperate attempt to maintain it's own self-righteousness...

And the reason I think an article like this is so late-coming?...

For the same reason that I haven't given too much of a shit when morons argue that I should agree with them Because They Say So...

Because when you don't know what you're doing...

And you're not even making much of an honest effort to try...

It's pretty easy to see...and those who don't...will see...

Because you can only bitterly harass people who don't have all the answers you want for so long...

Until...as the old adage goes...

You either have to put up...or shut up...

And self-righteous activists are often long on bitching...and short on constructive alternatives...

And much of the time...I do have a secret fantasy...

That those who aren't serious in thinking about alternatives...

Would just shut the fuck up...

But...then again...if they did...this wouldn't be democracy...and American democracy, at that...one of the strongest and most robust democracies in the world...

So the major media outlets will weather this storm...

The most intelligent and independent of the media will come out smelling prettier, after this, I think...at least in my book...

And activists will be sure again the next time...

Except...next time...we will all shrug...and hope that next time we can trust activists to bring us smarter alternatives...

Because they're doing a shitty job of it, generally, thus far...

And the really hard truth...

Is that if you don't have some kind of constructive alternative to a situation you don't like...and you aren't trying to develop an honest and humble understanding of the world...and you can't share in the human frailty that is involved with doing so...

Who the fuck really cares at all what you're opinion is?...if you're not even trying to work on behalf of better options and better solutions...and patient and supportive of those who are...

The media...the President...the troops...everyone...

If you're not making an honest effort to support these folks to come up with better answers in an uncertain world where noone has all the answers...no matter how much they self-righteously assert them...

Who the fuck cares what your opinion is?...

I know I don't...

A little...but not a lot...

Because...if you're not trying to do better in this world...as the old saying goes...opinions are like assholes...everyone's got one...and I don't really give a shit what anyone's is unless it gets us closer to dealing with this war or any issue better and more realistically...

And if not...pardon my french...

But fuck off...I just don't give much of a shit what you're opinion is...

Until you start coming up with something better than...

"You know what I really hate?..."

No...and until you start thinking about what you want to do to make it better...and you take seriously the idea of accounting for the realities and not just your dark fantasies or wishful thinking about the matter...

I don't care...

And if you don't like that...

Then tough fuckin' titty you little fuckin' whining baby...

I've needed to vent about this one for quite some time now...I am tired of being bullied by folks who are not only not curious enough about how to make things better...but don't seem to want to be bothered with such a minor detail...

I want everyone to have a say in democracy...

But until your say is wrapped around some really serious thinking about how to improve situations...and a commitment to consider and reconsider your ideas in light of concerns and legitimate criticisms and an open and patient pursuit of better understanding of issues...

It is often self-righteous and bullying...

And I've had my fill of that this political season...

Great performances by EMU Theater's annual 10-minute play festival, tonight:):):)...brilliant stuff:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

What's the alternative to a theology of cynicism?...

Alasdair Palmer writes a brilliant and terrible opinion piece for Great Britain's Daily Telegraph, this morning:):):)...

Wickedness shouldn't be treated as an illness

And Laughing Wolf writes the brilliant and terrific rebuttal:):):)...

Lost

Alasdair's headline is right...

But his conclusion -- that there are just irredeemably bad people in this world -- is wrong...

And people just like Alasdair have been wrong for the entirety of humanity...

And Laughing Wolf is largely right (though I think there is a still more hopeful view of humanity than even this very hopeful view:):):):)...

Jesus was right...and so was Martin Luther King...and so was Ghandi...and so were all those goody-two-shoes that cynics of the world all over wish would just go away so that the task of finally ending all that wickedness can finally be undertaken...

People do bad things...they make mistakes...and they are redeemable...

And it is only that faith that makes our stay on this little planet possible...nevertheless bearable...

Because humanity has cursed itself and perpetually curses itself every generation...

And it always finds redemption...

Because it's the only thing that takes us forward...

And it's kind of sad and frustrating, really, that the self-righteous like Mr. Alasdair Palmer...

Can't see what a terrible thing it is to permanently foreclose on the life of another...

How this line of reasoning is one long rationalization for what an asshole a guy like this must be...

And can't see that his is a life completely riding on the back of the stronger of humanity...

To make the world better...

His load is heavy...

But Laughing Wolf...and I...and the rest of those who choose the stronger, more courageous, more compassionate route...

Will carry him as long as he needs...

But it would be nice if he could learn to walk for himself, someday...

Just saw Magnolia again, tonight...highly recommend it:):)...very intense...so intense that the first time I watched it with my then and still brother-in-law (then, technically, since he was still married to my sister, at the time)...we joked about it all the way through:)...because it was just too intense and quite a bit over the top to take in one sitting:):):)...

But if you can get past the drama and the hyper-intensity:):):)...

It's a pretty good little flick, actually:):):)...

There's a scene in the movie...after watching for most of the movie the very fucked up lives of almost all of the primary characters...

That a plague of frogs falls from the sky to cover the city below it...

Very biblical:):):):):)...

Do people really still think that it will take a plague of frogs to make humanity better?:):):):):):):)...

Or that humanity just can't get better:):):)...equally as naive...and foolish...and lacking in the very faith that is the most important base of theology...or lack of it, depending on your convictions:):):)...

It takes exactly what Jesus and Buddha and King and Ghandi and all the wisest people have said over the long course of humanity:):):)...

Forgiveness...compassion...decency...learning...growth...and love:):):)...

...and better ideas:):):)...

We better come up with better ideas than the lazy theology of Alasdair, here:):):)...

Because we are in a world of fuck and hurt if Alasdair's word is the last one on this planet:):):):):):):)...

As Laughing Wolf says:):):)...

"If you really and truly believe that, why are you alive? What purpose does your life serve?"

Good goddamned question...

We all might want to answer that one for ourselves:):):)...

Have a good weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

It's getting better all the time...

I'm exhausted after a long night at work:):)...

It was a particularly long night, last night...even as we are making some really great progress in how the guys are treating one another...

Far less verbal aggression (as psychologists would more technically refer to being an asshole) last night and last week than in the past...

Definitely some serious issues...Deway and Kevin (the new Kevin) traded barbs all over first break...then they chilled out...neither wanted to do a lot of work for awhile...and then, by the end of the night, they seemed to working with each other better again...

Kevin and I have some issues that we had some fairly cool-headed conflict about, last night...Kevin just started and has the dual tendency to be both 1) not the most proactive member of the team, shall we say, and 2) bossy...now...if you don't want to work...no real issue with me...as long as you stay out of my way...but if you want to avoid work AND boss me around, like I'm some kind of servant...then we are likely to have issues...and that was Kevin's and my issue last night...

My lead, Fred and I, both addressed the need to take more responsibility...me nicely and Fred nicely but less nicely:):)...and I addressed the bossiness/condescension issue at the end of the night(there is nothing I hate more, I think, than someone calling out orders on something they know nothing or close to nothing about to people who know, better, what they're doing:):):)...very tedious, as Brandi would say:):):)...

And we made a lot of progress on these smaller issues...but also on the bigger issues of chilling everyone out...

The biggest and most pleasant surprise was our supervisor (the big boss), Ben, really chilling out by the end of the week...Ben is no longer riding crew members...and after an unsuccessful bid to have leads crack down on crew members, only to lead to open rebellion that solved not one goddamned thing (when will people learn, I always wonder:):):), he and leads are focussing on the path that will lead to more progress...namely...joking with guys...talking honestly...getting realistic about expectations (especially since our expectations have just changed pretty sharply...when all you're focussed on is numbers, ours is an easier game...but when it becomes numbers and ship confirm errors and quality product -- meaning noting and preventing damage to doors -- then you just can't keep pushing the aggressive numbers game...if you want people to be careful...then you got to give them time to do so)...

I can tell that Ben has this feeling like many efforts he makes to make things better aren't appreciated...so I try my best to tell him thank you and that's he's doing a good job in a way that won't leave him feeling condescended, which is certainly not my intention...

When I think about it...one thing I totally take for granted with Ben is that he has learned, to a great degree, how to pick his battles...

Meaning...contrary to the really terrible advice of conservatives like James Q. Wilson and George Will...

Ben doesn't nitpick every rule/expectation in the book, at all...he knows what things are really important -- at least in an Amarr context -- and which one's aren't...in fact...most of the conservatives I've worked with know better than to apply to foolish bit of theoretical fancy...

Ben wears a King of the Hill hat, a lot, these days...which totally endears me...since I love that show...and how much it speaks to average mom and pop conservative America...and their desire not to be condescended by liberals and intellectuals, like me...I love Hank Hill:):)...and Mike Judge's ability to make fun of the people that I most identify with:):)...other than intellectuals:):)...and poets and novelists and people who write cheesy, hopeful self-help books:):):)...

And the thing I respect most about Ben is that when he has an issue with you, he does seem to address it with you...granted...he is unfair, often, in the exchange...meaning he wants to be able to talk honest with you...but he doesn't want you to talk as honestly back...and he does have a little bit of the, "I'm a lead therefore I get special privileges, including the perogative to treat you however I damn well please" bullshit going...

But...overall...he's a decent guy...and he's getting and has gotten a lot better...slowly...over time...

I guess what's been really hard for me is how much I feel that Ben, as one really important example, and too many of the guys have just kind of checked me off, up front, as not possibly competent in a warehouse setting, because I'm book smart...it's kind of tedious, really...and what's so frustrating about it is they just don't know just how incredibly committed I am about facilitating intelligence and proving to intellectuals that everyone can be smart and is smart, in different contexts, given enough patience and support and challenge...

And then I get all kinds of shit about not having some elusive quality that serves as one long defense for why smart doesn't matter (when it clearly does if folks would get their heads out of their asses)...even as I am probably their most powerful advocate...

It's very much like poverty work, in many ways...

The very people who you want to open up possibilities for...are the ones who, too often, treat you like the most shit...

Except...then I remember that unchecked arrogant intellectuals are just as bad if not worse...

The truth is that we all kind of treat each other like shit, too often...

And instead of acknowledging this...we spend an awful lot of time trying to rationalize it...so we don't have to face what pricks we can often be...

This has always been true...we have gotten better at it...and the difference for me, now, and me, when I was younger, on this question, now...is that now I am a part of a process that has had slow, progressive demonstrable results in terms of change...

Whereas...when I was young...I just wished all the bullshit away...waiting...elusively...for the day when I would escape all the assholes...and hang out with just the nice people...

Which doesn't exist, as it turns out...

But...as we get better at it...it gets better...and we get closer to something like that:)...

Which would be nice, really:):)...if we could all just face, better, what assholes we can be...

The guys are still assholes, too much of the time, at Amarr...they still boss me and each other around, too much of the time...there is still too many trying to prove themselves, too much, especially around issues that really don't matter, in the big picture...and there is still far too little sensitivity toward one another...

But it's changing:):):)...slowly:):):)...

And I always have to take a step back and remember why I like working with assholes more than with passive aggressive victims...

Because assholes have their bullshit all out in the open, to see...they aren't necessarily trying to pretend that they are better than they are, much of the time...and long term...that means that you can effect change with them, better...because the one person that needs to stop being fooled by their pretenses -- themselves -- has less space to hide:):):)...

I learned that lesson with my mom and my dad...

My dad was kind of an open asshole, often, when we were young...but that just made him more open to learning how to improve his behavior, I think, because, unlike my mom, he wasn't looking to self-righteously defend what an asshole he was...

And today...he is definitely the better parent of the two...and I am definitely closer with my dad than with my mom:):):)...because I would much rather you be an asshole, openly...and then take responsibility for it...than self-righteously defend what an asshole or a bitch you are and pretend like you're doing a better job of treating people well than you are...because you're just too chickenshit to face your own bullshit...and too small a person to learn how to say, "I'm sorry"...even if its just in your own heart...

I'm exhausted...I think I'm going to go to bed...

Hope everyone has a great weekend:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A really nice, honest conversation, last night:)...

Last night...

The guys and I had something of a breakthrough with the whole education question...and a lot of stuff, really...

My good friend, Deway, was handing me that stupid, rationalizing, dumbass line of reasoning that people trying to pretend that smart doesn't matter make when they're upset that you're not getting something that they get...

Common sense...not book sense...

Yada, yada, yada...

It's old...it's stale...it's lame...and it's one big excuse for why people who aren't as book smart aren't as good at explaining whatever it is that they are trying to explain...or demonstrate...or whatever...

Deway was trying to explain how to fit a door in a tight space in the nose could be accomplished with the right muscle...which he consistently shows me...and which I acknowledge is something that he consistently does better than me...

But I'm kind of insulted by the common sense angle on this one, really...

Because I always want to respond...

If having common sense means that you have to be stupid...

I think I'll pass, thank you...

But I don't...because I don't like to lord my intelligence over people...even as they are lording their understanding of whatever it may be -- cars, sports, loading tiers...whatever the fuck, really -- over me...

Because...down deep...they know...and I know...that being smart matters...no matter how much you try to talk your way around that one...

So I try to explain to these guys the secret of the relationship between intelligent and not-so-intelligent folks that they may or may not know...

Which is that far too many intelligent people...have just kind of given up, really...facing this ever-present and perennial defense by folks who don't want to acknowledge just how important intelligence, education, and various kinds of smarts are...

And are just kind of snotty about it, really...

And the one thing they always take for granted in their relationship with me...

Is that I don't patronize them...

I neither try to pretend like being smart makes me better...

Nor do I reinforce the pretense that smart doesn't matter...

Which it clearly does...

Unless you have just been in a coma for your entire life...

But the fact is...

That I do the work I do...

The way I do it...

Because I GENUINELY believe...that ALL PEOPLE ARE and CAN BE SMART...

EVERYONE...

EVERYONE...

Even folks with severe cognitive disabilities...like Downs' Syndrome...and Prater Willey's syndrome...

EVERYONE...

We aren't all going to be equal...

Ever...

Ever...

I will, likely, NEVER know as much about auto mechanics as my mechanic friend, Dolly...

And she will likely never know as much about policy as me...

It's just a fact of life...

That doesn't mean that I can't diagnose a car situation right and she can make a mistake...

Or vice versa...

But...

As a general rule...

I'm going to understand policy matters better than Dolly...

And she's going to understand car matters better than me...

And we both have every right to butt in...and to tell each other that each of us is full of shit...when we think they are...

AND...there is an objective reality in both matters...

That our opinions are accountable to...

Whether we like it or not...

And whether we want to admit it or not...

Deway and I had a shortened version of this conversation, last night...

And it was really refreshing, really...

AND...

We had a really honest conversation about the other thing that we've really been having issues about, lately...

Which is that though Deway spends a lot of time calling me a pussy...

The truth is that I am the only motherfucker in that place...who's not afraid of him...

Which is exactly why he and I are so close...

Because Deway smells fear on people...especially white people...

And he knows that he doesn't smell fear on me...

Because I'm not afraid of him...

Because I genuinely like (and love) him...

And he genuinely likes me...

And even with all of our conflicts...

Neither of us would likely hurt one another...

Because we are homeys...for real...

And because I am about the most loyal motherfucker you're ever going to meet in your lifetime...so I'm the last person you want to write off as a friend...because I'm the one motherfucker in your life who you know you can count on who is not EVER going to write you off...EVER...

Which is much of the reason why so many people are so pissed at me in policy conversations, much of the time...

Because though I will call a motherfucker on bullshit behavior on a dime...

I don't sell people out...unless you are seriously dangerous to others...in which case, I will still be by you...even if the police will have to deal with you, too...but I will still be the one motherfucker that you can count on who will be with you...

NO...MATTER...WHAT...PERIOD...

But with that kind of integrity comes a responsibility...

Which is that I have to call you on your bullshit when it arises...because it's the only effective way (when people are being honest about uncomfortable realities, rather than avoiding them because they just have no clue how to deal with their fears about the world) to deal with it...

And it was refreshing as hell to hear Deway acknowledge the one pretty obvious reality...

Which is that no matter how many times he calls me pussy...

I am the one motherfucker who is not afraid of him...

Because I genuinely care about him...

More than about a stupid fuckin' warehouse job...

And that's how I feel about all my friends...

My being smart matters...to me...and to the world...

And your being smart matters, too...to me and to you...

And I am definitely a man of compassion...

But compassion is something that takes courage...

Because it means knowing that you can't puss out...

At just the moment when most people will want to...

And that you have to be responsible, anyway...

Even when it's not popular...

And that's who I am...

And the truth is that I don't give a shit whether you like that or not...

I am not interested in caring for your preferences...

I am interested for caring about you and your deepest needs...

Which includes calling you on your bullshit...

Even when you don't want to hear it...

I hope people will respect me for that...

But I don't lose sleep at night when they don't...

It was one of the most honest conversations that we've had at Amarr, I think...

Me...and Deway...and Sean...and Kevin (the new Kevin)...and Josh...and Brian...and everyone else who was privy to that conversation...

And honest conversations like that one are tough...

But their value is in their honesty...

Which I wish everyone could see, better...is a really fucking refreshing alternative to all of the massive loads of bullshit that characterize too much if not most communication that happens in the world...

Why people would want to live lives with less than that kind of honesty beats the hell out of me...

And why people would want to live lives being less than the best human being they could possibly be...including to live with the kind of courage that compassion and idealism and being smart and living freely and democratically entail I will never know, frankly...

Most people are kind of pussies about the things in life that really count, sometimes, I think...

And...frankly...I just couldn't live with myself if I lived like that...

So I live with as much courage and compassion and decency and intelligence and all kinds of important virtues as I can...

While not giving a shit if people who fake it rather than living it...

Don't like my language...or my car...or my bank account...or whatever...

Because the hard truth is that I just don't respect people who expect less of themselves, honestly...

Because they just don't respect themselves, enough, frankly...and willfully, at that...

And I don't know how you can expect that others will respect you...

If you don't respect yourself...

I've got to try to get some sleep, today...if I can...

But I wanted to write about that, this morning...

Talk with everyone later...

Love,
Ben

I think I've arrived:):):)...

...happiness...

...with Anthony Rapp and the Gang:):):)...You're a Good Man Charlie Brown...

Saying Goodbye...

This morning I listened to Damien Rice, again...

As I have every day since late last week when Melissa downloaded The Blower's Daughter onto our Windows Media Player...

And you know what's amazing?...

The song is beginning to sound a little more nostalgic to me...

Meaning...

It doesn't have quite the same tragic, romantic pull on me that it did the first time I heard it...and certainly the first time I heard it again...

...when I balled my eyes out for a night of grieving and reminiscing (and then another night of flooded emotions out of the blue) over especially the early years of my last most powerful relationship and connected friendship in my life...

It felt like a really beautiful song (which it is)...that reminded me of a time that I once felt similarly...

I still have vague feelings that are similar...but it's been a long time since I've felt them as strongly as I felt them like this guy sounds like he feels them in this song...

It's great to feel those feelings...

That kind of love is one of the most powerful things in the world...

The kind of love that un-self-consciously opens you up to the world...and all its limitless possibilities...

A world that begins to express your greatest hopes of what a decent and good world could look like...

And a world shared with one person, in particular...because their presence and living, active love...and sense of wonder and compassion makes it all so possible...

I think...more than anything...that's why I felt so overwhelmed with emotion like I did on Saturday night (you'd have to ask Melissa to get a more realistic picture of just how overwhelmed with grief -- out of the blue -- I found myself, Saturday night, as she watched me ball my eyes out:)...

And...this morning...

I found some peace with all that still remaining pain in my heart...

Nice, huh?:):):)...

And thanks to my very good friend, Kenny:):):)...the best lead load this side of the Lawrence:):):)...

Kenny's Maze...

I do not have Damien Rice and the remaining pain from my break-up/relationship with Brandi in my heart and swimming around my head, quite as much, this morning (though I have listened to The Blower's Daughter like 100 times, this morning:):):)...

I have Willie Nelson, The Mob Goes Wild, Mercury, Regulator, Frankenstein, Come on Motherfucker, Careful with that Microphone, 10001110101, and other songs from one of my favorite new musical finds this morning:):):)...Clutch:):):)...

It's a nice change of pace, I have to tell you:):):)...

Grieving is important...I definitely believe in the benefits of grieving:):)...and working through/with whatever painful feelings that we need to work through/with:):):)...

But...sometimes...especially when you've been doing it for more than 4 years, as I have, in this situation:):):)...

It gets a little old:):):)...

So it's nice to feel like I am somewhere near closure with some of these feelings, at this point:):):)...

Though it also feels good to remember just how great it is to feel so in love...and all the special memories that go with my most real, most honest experience of such profound love for/with someone...I miss it...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't my mind off of you"...

And seeing as how I rarely see or talk or even email with Ms. Fisher, these days...

This is essentially my goodbye with her, right now...

She's still alive...somewhere...

I hope I'll still see her...someday...

But for now...

It's goodbye...

Somehow I doubt I'll stop thinking...or talking...or writing about her, though...

I've thought about Brandi literally every day since we first became close friends, the day after her 22nd birthday...June 1996...

Brandi came by Sears shoes...where I was working at the time (one of the worst jobs of my life)...

And invited me to a birthday party she was throwing for herself...

I told her that my birthday was also coming up...

Her's was June 16th...

Mine was June 14th...

And she said that we could celebrate my birthday then too...

The party was themed around the 1996 Russian Presidential elections, to be held on June 16th of that year...Brandi invited me and a small crowd of friends for a celebration of the Russian elections...

The 1996 Russian elections...

We made white Russians...black Russians...a terribly botched effort at borscht...

I brought a recording of an American news report of Sputnik being launched in 1957...

The launching of Sputnik...

We watched Harold and Maude...significant to me because it was the favorite movie of my former girlfriend, Jenny Burrington...who I was still mourning, at that point...since she had broken up with me 6 months earlier, right after introducing me to the really pretty decent party boy who she would later leave me for...

Harold and Maude...

And I slept on the floor of Brandi's bedroom that night...and she and I hung out the next day (as I remember it)...

And...sitting on the wooden second-story porch of her Wichita apartment...

She became the very first person...after my break-up with Jenny...

To just listen to me...

To not tell me to just get over it...to not tell me she didn't want to hear it anymore...to not put me off...

But to just listen...to how heartbroken I was...

And it was one of the best birthday gifts I've gotten in my life (other than the very nice birthday party that Brandi threw for the me the very next year...with all our friends from the Honors Department...and our all of new friends at the Kansas Regents' Honors Academy that Wichita State University hosted the next year...and that Brandi and I worked together...and where we finally began our too brief love affair)...

And ever since that night...

Brandi has been on mind and heart...literally ever day...

For more than 9 years, now...

The last four years being a lot of pain to accompany a lot of really powerful, sweet memories...some not so great memories, as well...but mostly...some really great ones:):)...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

Have you ever felt a love so powerful for someone...

That it haunts you...not in creepy or dark way...in a really vulnerable way...very much like how Damien Rice sings in this song...

I've hoped, up to this point...

That the next chapter in Fisher's and my relationship would be friendship...

But Brandi -- for whatever reasons -- has decided...largely...that she just can't bear that...

So...

Now...I have a whole truckload of really great memories:):):)...

An unplanned trip to visit one of Brandi's best friends, Shelly, in St. Louis...because Brandi's car stalled:):)...and got broken into in East St. Louis:):)...while we were braving the cold to call a mechanic:):)...

A really great trip to the island of Chincoteague, off the coast of mainland Virginia...

The island of Chincoteague...

...to see the wild ponies that run free there:):):)...to visit the beach and the sand:):):)...to have a big blow-out and a big make-up with Brandi's best friend and our roommate, that summer, Wendy Werner:):):)...

The Dar Williams concert Brandi and Wendy and Pam and Iftakar and I all went to in Virginia...where Wendy raised her hands and looked more alive actively listening to Dar's Iowa than any other time I had ever seen her before:):):)...

The trip to New York:):):)...looking all day for parking:):):)...seeing "You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown":):):)...fighting on the way to find the crappy little SoHo Hotel, where Brandi had booked our reservation:):)...

Getting caught TWICE by her mother in the middle of some sexual activity:):):)...once in her mom's basement:):):)...and another time in a hotel room in Manhattan?...Marni and David were both there:):):)...laughing their asses off at Brandi and I who got COMPLETELY BUSTED by all three of them, when they beat our estimated return time and found us together naked under bed comforters...

A visit by Brandi to Lawrence...and a never-to-be-forgotten trip up to Wells Overlook, that morning...

Wells Overlook...

...at about 5 or 6AM...with a picnic basket of goodies:):)...and a newly purchased When Harry Met Sally soundtrack...to make love at the top of Wells Overlook...after a night of lovemaking at my place the night before:):):)...

A Jewish/African-American seder in Washington, D.C.:):):)...and picking up challah at the Jewish Community Center there in D.C.:):)...

A night out in gorgeous Charlotte, North Carolina:):):)...when Brandi came down from D.C. to visit me at a conference for the NICHD Study of Early Child Care, which I worked with during my first years in grad school:)...and an amazing dinner we had at the little 40's themed Italian restaurant (Frankie's Italian Grille...I think:):):)...with the really terrific waiter:):):)...who put our doggy bag behind our seat:):):)...

A great little trip to Seattle to see Marni and Mike and Max:):):)...and to take in the awesome Seattle market by the shore:):):)...and the gorgeous mountains and ocean scenery, all in one landscape:):):)...

Opening 40 little individual gifts before Brandi took off for Washington, D.C.:):):)...and Brandi's stuffed dog, Woofy:):):)...which she HATED (or at least she hated the idea of receiving dog-themed gifts, including this really adorable puppy calendar I gave her that year, so much did she hate dogs, at the time:):):) when I first gave it to her for Christmas one year back in Wichita before returning to D.C.:):):)...and which she slept with, subsequently, almost every night...at least until we broke up:):):)...

But mostly just the day to day memories...

The talks...

The walks...

The fights...

The making up...

The smiles...

The really adorable sense of public vulnerability that Brandi carried around with her:):):)...and that she taught me to embrace:):):)...

The being together:):):)...

Some great memories to visit every once in awhile:):):)...

...until another day...

This is my goodbye...

Auf Wiedersehen, liebe...

Love,
Ben

Joe Nye and Benjamin Barber...

Before I go to bed, here:):)...

I wanted to share some important ideas from two of the better international policy thinkers I have read...Joseph Nye and Benjamin Barber...

Joe's most recent books include Power in the Global Information Age (2004), Soft Power: The Means to Success in the World of Politics (2004) -- which is the basis for his most powerful and constructive criticisms of the war in Iraq, and The Paradox of American Power: Why the World's Only Superpower Can't Go It Alone (2002/2003) -- which outlines his criticism of the failure of the Bush Administration to engage multilateral partnerships on international issues...a book that Henry Kissinger endorses as an important read...

The first link is a speech that Joe gave at the Carnegie Council Books for Breakfast series...and the question and answer period that followed his speech...

Soft Power: The Means to Success in World Politics...

The second is the HTML version of a 1998 Foreign Affairs article that he co-wrote with Robert Keohane, political scientist at Harvard University, titled similarly to his most recent book, "Power and Interdependence in the Information Age...

Power and Interdependence in the Information Age...

The third link is a list of books and article written by Joe on his homepage at Harvard University, where he is the Dean of the Kennedy School of Government...

Joe Nye's profile at Harvard University...

Benjamin Barber's ideas around Jihad vs. McWorld, and its implications for a deeper, stronger, more decentralized, and more participatory democracy are very powerful ideas that both compliment and offer a more equitable vision of democracy than do Joe's I believe...and are very worthy of anyone interested in the future of democracy, I think...

The first link is for the original 1992 Atlantic Monthly article that first outlined Benjamin's very thoughtful ideas about the two forces he believed presented the biggest challenges to democracy, Jihad -- or the propensity toward religious fundamentalism -- and McWorld -- or globalizing capitalism that operated/s, Benjamin believes (and I agree) too often at the expense of local and global democracy...the article is only available, in toto on-line, to subscribers...though it should give a taste of Benjamin's ideas...and the article can be accessed at any university and most public libraries, for the cost of copies, I believe...my copy is in a comparative politics collection of articles titled Comparative Politics 1995/95, as another possibility...

Jihad vs. McWorld...the Atlantic Monthly...

The second link is to a very nice article that he wrote, recently, for the Nation magazine called Beyond Jihad vs. McWorld...

Beyond Jihad vs. McWorld...

Benjamin also has his own website, as well, with more recent books and articles...

Benjamin Barber...

Since these are two of the more profound thinkers in international policy, I believe (Amartya Sen is a brilliant international policy thinker, as well, I believe, even as an economist), I thought I might pass along the jist of some of their ideas...

Enjoy:):):)...

Ben

I miss my friend...

Darryl Worley...I miss my friend...

I spent all night, last night, working through this really strange flood of feelings that I've experienced since Saturday...

I sure hope this is some kind of final push...because I am tired of having Ms. Fisher on my heart...it's wearisome...

I am tired, already, of having Damien Rice swimming through my head, all night...it was the past, for God's sakes...it was a special feeling that literally noone I have known and talked with about has really understood...and I've tired of mourning it's passing...I just want to be done with this shit...and always having something on my heart that I can't share with a lot of my closest friends for fear of having them give me bad advice and all kinds of shit for sharing during vulnerable times, for me...

Work's gotten better...the both leads who were asses to me last week have both made efforts to demonstrate that they are trying to be less bossy and more decent:):)...the lead who I had the big blow-up with, last week, was really cool with me as I was staging his truck for him:):)...so that was a great thing:):):)...

But I've been down all night and all morning...nothing pleases me...no breakfast option satisfied me, this morning...no music satisfies me, right now...

I'm just in pain...and I just want it to go away...finally, for God's sakes...

And having one person really understand would be nice too...

But I guess that's when we know when we've found love, isn't it?...

When we find one person who REALLY understands:)...

Goddamn you, Damien Rice...I am so tired of crying...I don't want to do it anymore...it exhausts me...it leaves me in pain...and wondering why I did it in the first place...

I'm gonna go try to sleep it off...

Have you ever heard Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend?...if not...you're missing something:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Hope amid anguish?...

Gaza Settlers Confront Israeli Soldiers

Though the Palestinian Authority has made pretty clear in several statements it has issued on the matter, that they are not persuaded that the removal of these settlements is a good faith effort to move the peace process forward...

Which...sadly...was the substantive purpose the removal of these settlements served...

Palestinians had doubts, but no more...Chicago Tribune...

Perhaps there is reason to hope that this move will lead to a substantive peace between Israelis and Palestinians...

Sadly..all these people have lost their homes...

To be fair...they will be compensated for those homes...

And to be fair to Ariel Sharon...

The proposal to remove Israeli settlements in Gaza and the West Bank has been around for a long time...

It was advocated by liberals for much of the time that I have studied the issue, at least...

And Ariel Sharon was doing something that I think he believed would prove just how genuinely committed he was to peace...

Tragically...this plan will lead to the destruction of these Israelis' homes...

And ideally...they should be allowed to self-determine where and how they live...

The removal of settlements in Gaza is a serious abrogation of the right to freely settle by Israelis and Jews, I think...

But it is also a good faith effort to promote peace in the region, as well, I think...

It's a day that should reflect the hope that these governments are more genuinely committed to peace in the region and autonomy for Palestine than they seem to give each other credit for...

Though that should in no way rationalize what I agree with Benjamin Netanyahu (for once:):):) is a serious overreach of power by the Sharon's Likud goverment...

As Israeli Army Chief Dan Halutz puts it...

The most trouble will come "the day after disengagement. Then we will have to face the same problems we face today in Israeli society."

A sad fact...well put by Army Chief Halutz...

Let's hope for a better tomorrow for peace between these two terribly troubled partners...

Love,
Ben

A turning point...

U.S. Lowers Sights on What Can Be Achieved in Iraq...

Long term, of course...much can still be accomplished in Iraq...

But democracy takes time...and, by its nature, can't be forced on a population...

Some seeds have been planted...and I do have confidence that the new Iraq will be a significant improvement over the bloody and murderous tyranny of Saddam Hussein...

But Administration officials seem to be coming to terms with the fact that this path to Iraqi democracy is coming up far shorter of that goal than they imagined, up front...and at least one of those officials -- the one sited at the end of this article -- seems to be pessimistic about the idea that an invasion was worthy, at all...

There was a case to be made for invasion...

The Administration's major mistake is that it did not persuade others of that case...particularly Iraqis, whose need for self-determination was overwhelmed by American ambitions for a free Iraq...

Had Iraqi opposition groups and their associated militias, and anyone interested in deposing Saddam Hussein, been consulted, up front...

Iraqis could have led this war...and Americans could have backed them with overwhelming force to demoralize the Baathist Army and anyone wanting to defend the Baathist Regime, with clearer distinctions about what this fight was about...Iraqi liberation...not a fight to protect Iraq's sovereignty...

Had the Europeans and other major democracies been brought on board...and had important Middle East partners, especially, like Egypt and Saudi Arabia (both of whom were part of the 1991 multinational coalition to push back Saddam Hussein from his aggressive efforts in Kuwait constructed by this President's father...and the better President of the two Bushes, I believe) been persuaded of the importance of deposing Saddam Hussein...

Then international and regional opposition and vehememence against America and American efforts -- the lifeblood of the insurgency and of terrorism in this region and otherwise -- could have been significantly undercut...and the insurgency and terrorist efforts of groups like Al Queda in Iraq would have lost an immense amount of political breathing space...

Instead...not only were these forces emboldened by our recklessness...

They now have a recruiting tool for future terrorism that they couldn't have invented better themselves...

All of this was unintentional, I think...

I genuinely believe that the Administration thought that it was trying to circumvent what it saw as a inefficient and unresponsive democratic response to the plight of Iraqis by the international community...

As well as an overwrought desire for power in international affairs that is now haunting them...

And they just got and shared with the rest of us the important lesson...

That democracy is a non-negotiable...

Especially when it comes to war...

That inequity in international affairs...has consequences...

That lording over the world...has consequences...

That engaging in unilateral aggressive action without the support of allies...has consequences...

And democracy and liberalization, like any virtue, cannot be imposed...they cannot...

They must be freely adopted and internalized by people...especially a population that has no experience with anything but tyranical rule much of its history...and particularly in the last 26 years, under the direct reign of Saddam Hussein...

Saddam's brutal reign...CNN...

It was a mistake to believe those things could be imposed...rather than supported and backed...including with as little aggressive action possible, when necessary...

And it was a tragic mistake that America and the world, liberals and conservatives, have made for much of the twentieth century...

And it is reassuring to see the Administration beginning -- just beginning, I think -- to recognize this mistake...in Iraq, at the very least...

Good for the Administration:):)...and for the President, if he too is beginning to recognize this, as well:):):)...

We'll see:):):)...

And even if he isn't:):):)...as many of his liberal and other critics are wont to believe (for understandable reasons:):):)...

He will:):):)...

It's morning in America:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Did you know...

...that Albert Einstein had a degree as a high school math teacher when he developed the three papers that revolutionized physics?...

Biography of Albert Einstein...

He received his doctorate at the University of Zurich in 1905 after he submitted the first of those papers to the University...and received his doctorate, as far as I can tell, without formal study at the University:):):)...

Joseph Campbell is another famous and BRILLIANT theorist -- in cultural studies...the most brilliant of the 20th Century, I believe:):):) -- who left his Ph.D. program before he finished:):):)...

He said he had "out-grown" his Ph.D. program:):):):)...

And Roald Dahl, the prolific and brilliant writer of such children's classics as Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach, was EXPELLED from his private college preparatory high school, which he wrote about in a brilliant essay, The Expulsion (I believe:):):), that I read while in grad school that helped inspire me to leave grad school to facilitate my own independent work:):):):)...

Still convinced of our own collective omniscience?:):):):):):):)...

So omniscient are we that at least three of our most brilliant thinkers (but I would suspect most if not all brilliant thinkers have had similar feelings while in school:):):):) leave school or are kicked out, only to go on an surpass their teachers in their brilliance?:):):):):):):):):)...

So incredibly arrogant are we all:):):):):):)...

Just thinking about how I'm going to explain not finishing those two Master's degrees and that Ph.D. program to potential employers:):):):):):)...

Because the truth may seem kind of incredible:):):)...

But I just wanted time to work on my ideas:):):):)...

And not have someone hawking over me all the time:):):):):)...

So I could strive for brilliance:):):):):):)...

And not mediocrity:):):):):):):)...

And whether my professors know it or not:):):):):):)...

I believe that I have FAR -- FAR -- OUTSTRIPPED their expectations:):):):):):):):)...

Least Possible Necessary Aggression has applications in almost EVERY field impacted by policy or psychology that I've encountered:):):):)...

Education...international policy...psychology and mental health...criminology...environmental policy...economics and poverty policy...business...organizational theory and psychology:):):)...

Because...at it's base...

It's about people...

About understanding their most fundamental needs...

And facilitating their ability to get them met:):):):)...

So that they can achieve more and better in their professional and other endeavors:):):)...and in their lives:):):):)...

Alright:):):):)...

Back to work with that resume and those applications:):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

The Blower's Daughter...Damien Rice...

Have you ever heard Damien Rice's The Blower's Daughter?...

I just cried harder than I think I've ever cried in my life (I'm still crying) listening to that song...

It's the opening song to the movie Closer (a movie for which this song stands out as something really terribly sweet and authentic)...

I was realizing as I was listening to it...that it's been a long time since I've felt that way...

That totally, completely, without reservation or defense in love with a woman...

So in love that you don't even think about it...you just feel it...

It was the summer of 1997...

We made love on her best friend's bed...I peeled rose petals and made a path down to the bedroom of the house that we were housesitting...

And we made love...for the first time...and for her...the first time ever...

And it was the most beautiful night of my life, I think...

And it was the summer of 1998...when I went to go live with her in Washington, D.C...and we spent almost every waking moment together...we worked together...we lived together...we did literally everything together...I don't think we spent one day or night separate that summer...

We worked together at the B'nai B'rith...and we would go picnic together on our lunch break in the park in the middle of town...

She'd bring bagels and yogurt and some fruit maybe...maybe a sandwich for me, since I still ate meat, at the time...

And we just sat in the middle of the park...and I was so in love...and I totally took it all so much for granted...

I can't stop crying...

I don't think that I've ever felt so completely open to the world...

So completely idealistic...

So completely in love...

"I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you...I can't take my eyes off of you"...

We went to this really great presentation by Cornell West, the radical, social democratic, and deeply spiritual black scholar and committed poverty advocate, and the Reverend Eugene Waters, the more liberal/conservative Boston preacher who both led the effort by black ministers to embrace President Bush's Faith Based Initiative and who has helped reinvigorate efforts to seriously improve Boston's inner cities...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

Do you know what is saddest for me...

The part that breaks my heart worse than anything else...

It's not breaking up...that was hard enough...

But that's not it...

It's that I think she's given up...

I think this girl that to me symbolized everything that was/is amazing...beautiful...idealistic...hopeful...noble...

...good...great...

...about the world...

I'm concerned that she's just given up...

That for whatever fucked up reasons...

That she's just turned her back on everything that was great about her...

That was AMAZING about her...

That's she's just slowly...

Given up...

And it makes me so sad...I can't even describe it...

It pains a place inside me that is so deeply offended that the gods have taken away someone who was destined to lead mere mortals out of the dark recesses of their poor, pathetic, cynical souls...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

That's what makes me saddest...

That's what makes me cry so deeply today...

A cry that's reminiscent for me of the cry that my father gave the day that he learned that my mom had left...and that we all shared with him on his bed the night that we learned that she was gone...me, my sister, Liz, and my sister, Jenny...

This deep guttural cry that tells you that there's something seriously wrong in the world today...

That she may have given up...even if just for a time...

Because the world needs her...that's for goddamned sure...

I tell everyone...

You'd just have to know her...

And it's true...

If you met her...

Especially in those summers of 1997 and 1998...

You'd see what I mean...

She was so alive...I was so alive...

So completely full of purpose...

So completely trusting of the world...

And no reason to think otherwise, really...

I miss her...

"I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you...I can't take my mind off of you"...

I haven't felt the way this guy so clearly feels in this song in a long time...

And it was such a good time...

I remember spending nights browsing the book stores...

Debating whatever ideas or events were on our minds, at the time...

Whatever was going on, at the time...

Whatever we happened upon...

I was falling in love with Brandi and with ideas all at the same time...

For me...

They were the same love...

Because so much of the romance I had/have with ideas came out of my romance with Brandi...

The feeling of being with another human being like they are always the warm place in from the cold, dark night...

The feeling that the world is opening up in front of you...and you witness it through the eyes of someone you think of as an extension of you, so closely do you breathe the same breath...

You think their thoughts are yours, they're so closely entwined...

Have you ever believed in the world so completely?...with no reservation...no danger...no concern for anyone or anything other than this one person that you want to spend every waking moment with...

Have you ever been that in love?...

Damien Rice has...you can tell...

I have, too...

But it's been a long time...

And I miss it something terrible...

I miss you, Brandi...I love you, hon...

Love,
Ben

Epilogue (to the grieving in that post)...

The more I think about it...the more I think that Brandi just got stuck...where I moved forward...and it's just sad...because I don't know if I've seen her stuck like this...we always moved forward together...or at least that's the way it always seemed to me...and now I just think she's stuck...or just exploring at a different pace than me...

Either way...

I miss her...

They preach that I should save the world...they pray that I won't do a better job of it...

I'm listening to one of my favorite artists, right now:):):)...

She's a folk singer named Dar Williams:):):)...

And she writes these BEAUTIFUL songs about life and love and growing up and all kinds of awesome stuff:):)...

February...The Christians and the Pagans...The Babysitter's Here...When I Was a Boy...Are You Out There?...Iowa...I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono...What Do You Hear in These Sounds?...Better Things...As Cool As I Am...End of the Summer...The Ocean...We Learned the Sea...Spring Street:):):)...

Dar has this really beautiful song called Are You Out There?...it's about radical radio ("free speech radio," as Dar refers to it:)...Pacifica is a good example of this kind of radio...Democracy Now, with Amy Goodman, is one of its more popular and critically acclaimed shows:):)...

Democracy Now...with Amy Goodman...at Pacifica...

The song is about being a young, probably high school, liberal...yearning for anything liberal that you might get your hands on:):):)...

I really relate with that feeling:):):)...

I was once a young liberal:):):)...I felt the same way, completely:):):)...

I grew up in Wichita, Kansas:):)...and I was always just waiting and looking for anything that would help me escape what I always felt was the stifling, narrow-mindedness of more conservative Wichita, Kansas:):):)...

And Dar's song captures that feeling BEAUTIFULLY:):):)...

She has this set of stanzas in the song...that go...

"And what's the future, who will choose it?
Politics of love and music
Underdogs who turn the tables
Indie versus major labels
There's so much to see through
Like our parents do more drugs than we do
Oh...

Corporate parents, corporate towns
I know every TV set that has them lit
They preach that I should save the world
They pray that I won't do a better job of it
Pray that I won't do a better job
So tonight I turned your station on just so I'd be understood
Instead another voice said I was just too late
And just no good..."

It's a great little dedication to little liberal teenagers all over the world:):):)...and it's a really great song, I think:):)...

And today...as I was thinking about youthful rebellion...it's less healthy purposes...and it's more healthy purposes...

This song came to mind:):):)...

It came to mind because of those lines...

"They preach that I should save the world
They pray that I won't do a better job of it"

About how true that line is:):):)...

How parents and adults and older folks, generally, have a real interest in younger people choosing better in life...and not just rebelling arbitrarily:):):)...

But they also, too often, tend to assume that all rebellion...all differences with younger people...or people with authority tend to think that all differences with those with less authority...are matters of random and senseless rebellion...

Rather than trying to understand it's purpose...

And understand the truth...

Which is that much of that rebellion...

Even when it's senseless...

Has purpose...

At it's base...it's about matters of conscience...about each of us asserting our right to judge matters independently...regardless of whether we are right or wrong...a very healthy need and assertion that is a prerequisite to the mature development of a independent conscience in a free and democratic world that needs such independence to survive and thrive...and which we, individually, need for our own survival and thriving...in an uncertain and mobile and open and free and democratic society:):):)...and in any society that might allow us to thrive as individuals and as human beings:):):)...

But beyond that...

Rebellion often has substantive purpose...in and of itself...

Rebellion is also often a sign that authority is doing something wrong...and that it needs to account for its failures...and not just continue to rationalize its failures as the rebellion of those that it has authority over:):)...

But so often...

The cycle is...

Young people rebel...

And then...as they age...

They become more and more aware of their random rebellion...and more and more convinced that they've figured out how the order of things should be:):):)...

So young people who rebelled against authority:):):)...

Often become the most friendly with authority and power:):):)...

Once they have it:):):)...

This scenario describes the situation of a good 90% of my friends:):):)...at least:):):)...that's a conservative estimate, I think:):):)...

And that's the tendency that Dar is referring to in her song:):):)...

I've had that tendency:):):)...I may still:):):)...I should think about that one a little bit:):):)...

But the truth is:):):)...

Dar is right:):):):)...

The best impulse in the culture is not the certain assertions of authorities:):):):):):):)...

It is the rebellious impulses of youth:):):)...

Even the random ones:):):) (when they're not randomly and deeply destructive, of course:):):)...

It's the desire to improve...

To innovate:):):)...

To shake things up, as my very close friend Dolly Johnson always says:):):):):)...

I'd take the random rebellion of Smashing Pumpkins (without the overdosing of their keyboardists, of course) over the assertions of authority of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell and Fidel Castro and Kim Jong Il any day:):):)...

Even if Billy Corgan was mainly venting in his songs, rather than focussing on constructive alternatives:):):):):):):)...

Because it gives me room...and everyone room...to breathe:):):)...to vent similar frustrations:):):)...

And to give the bird to authority figures who get in the way of all of our growth, too often:):):):):):)...

Bullet with Butterfly Wings doesn't say much about making the world better:):):)...that's for sure:):):)...

But what young person under the age of 30, at least...if not under the age of 35 or 40:):):)...

Can listen to those lyrics...

"Despite all my rage...I am still just a rat in a cage":):):):):)...

And not just want to throw up some fuckin' horns:):):)...

And bang their head at a world to unsympathetic for their need for freedom:):):):):):)...

Their freedom of conscience:):):):):)...

Their freedom to create:):):):):)...

Their freedom to be:):):):):):)...

Though...you gotta admit:):):)...

1979 and Tonight, Tonight may not be about saving the world:):):) (as far as I know:):):)...

But they are gorgeous:):):):):)...

God, I miss the Smashing Pumpkins:):):)...

Smashingpumpkins.com

Billy Corgan's new album looks really interesting, I have to say...looks like this guy has really been thinking about life:):):)...

And if you check out the "Confessions" part of this website:):):)...I think you'll find that he literally has really been thinking about life:):):)...definitely recommend checking it out:):):)...

But the point is...

That rebellion that a song like Bullet with Butterfly Wings represents for me:):):)...a young person of the generation of the Smashing Pumpkins:):):):) (I saw the Pumpkins live in Wichita like my senior year of college:):):)...excellent concert:):):)...

That rebellion...is healthy...

Even if it doesn't do a goddamn thing:):):)...

Because it represents the fight of the independent conscience...for the space to exercise it's own freedom...it's own independence...which is necessary for it to function:):):)...

And necessary for all of us to function:):):)...individually:):):)...and with one another:):):)...

"emptiness is loneliness, and loneliness is cleanliness
and cleanliness is godliness, and god is empty just like me"

Yup:):):)...pretty dark stuff:):):)...and the essence of youthful rebellion:):):)...

And nothing wrong with that at all, really:):):)...

Totally healthy impulse:):):)...

To be young...to rebel...to explore the darkness:):):)...

To do all the things that you're parents tell you not to do:):):)...at least a little:):):)...

A part of being healthy is not always making the best choices...

It's the freedom to make less than ideal choices...to make bad choices...worse choices...

So you tell the difference between good ones...and great ones...and not so great ones:):):)...

And to clean up the messes as we go along:):):)...

MUCH, MUCH, MUCH more healthy than living in the illusion that somehow we can or need to or will be able to do the impossible:):):)...

Which is to somehow not make mistakes:):):):):)...

Which isn't possible:):):)...

No matter how hard we try:):):)...

Because without mistakes:):):)...

There is no growth:):):)...

And growth is is the only way that we survive and thrive in the world:):):)...

And individuals:):):)...and as a species:):):)...

And learning that lesson is one of the most important things we can do...as individuals...as parents and teachers and people of authority, especially:):):)...as a country:):)...as free and democratic citizens:):):)...as human beings:):):)...as a species:):):)...

Making mistakes is a part of being alive:):):)...and learning:):):)...and growing:):):)...

And recogizing mistakes:):):)...is a part of learning and growing and being alive at their best:):):):):)...

And one of the biggest mistakes of the current political moment:):):):)...

Is the idea that we can just make all those mistakes go away:):):)...

If we just assert enough authority:):):)...

It's a silly idea, really:):):)...

Not to mention a fairly arrogant one:):):):):)...

But...it can't go on for long:):):)...

Because it's mistake:):):)...

And we can't thrive as individuals or as a culture making the same mistake over and over again...again and again:):):):):):)...

At some point:):):):)...we've got to recognize the mistake:):):):)...

And let go of our fear of the uncertainty of a world not so attached to authority:):):):):):)...

Which is one of the most important and healthy developments of this generation, I think:):):)...

With the way paved very nicely, really:):):):):):)...by our parents:):):)...and teachers:):):):):):)...and bosses:):):)...and all the folks who used to be young people (and many of which are, now...either or both in spirit or in reality:):):)...not so long ago:):):)...

At 32:):):):)...I'm starting to recognize the benefits of experience:):):)...and maturity:):):)...(and worrying, a little bit:):):)...of not just the inevitability:):):)...but the imminence of death:):):)...

But I know...I know deep in my heart:):):)...

That I now:):):)...and forever:):):)...

Want to identify with that youthful impulse:):):)...

Of rebellion:):):)...

In its healthy:):):):):)...

And not-so-healthy forms:):):):)...(though destructiveness is whole other matter:):):)...which needs loving and open-hearted and compassionate and genuinely respectful criticism:):):)...and...depending on the level of destructiveness to others:):):)...direct intervention:):):)...

I embrace the rebellion:):):):):):)...

And I stand for a world of freedom:):):):)...

Amidst the romanticism of authority that is just now beginning to give way, some, to a more reasonable idea of how autonomous individuals should live with one another:):):)...

I realized yesterday:):):)...as I was thinking about how much I had...quite unfortunately...started to hate my job, lately:):):)...a feeling that is waning, as well, I'm happy to report:):):)...

That...

More than anything else:):):)...

I want freedom:):):)...

I want love:):):)...that's for sure:):):)...

But I want the genuine kind of love:):):):):):)...

The kind that gives me the space to be me:):):):):):)...

And doesn't search, too much, for me to live according to the standards of anyone else:):):)...

Except those ones that make sense to me:):):)...that I think make sense:):):)...and that I internalize, as a consequence:):):)...

I was thinking about how much I very much care for both Tom, my advisor in grad school:):):)...and Brandi:):):):):):)...my girlfriend at the end of undergrad and in grad school:):):)...

But how...more than them, even:):):)...

I care about me:):):):):)...and my need to live life by my conscience:):):)...

And not according to theirs:):):)...or anyone else's, for that matter:):):)...

And...simultaneously:):):)...

Living a life of truer conscience:):):)...

More freely adopted:):):)...more internalized:):):)...more authentically a part of me:):):)...

Than I've ever felt before in my life:):):):):):)...

And all of that is owed to my sense...of rebellion:):):)...of thought:):):):)...of conscience:):):)...of freedom:):):)...

And of my sense of me:):):):):):)...and my autonomy to decide what that means over and above the need of others to decide for me:):):):):):):):)...

I hope we can all do a better job of saving the world:):):)...

Individually:):):):):):)...

And together:):):):):):)...

But...more important than that:):):)...

Is to decide if we want to save the world, or not:):):)...

To make up our own minds about what we want to do with our lives:):):):):):)...

About who we are:):):)...about what we want for our lives:):):):):):)...

A lesson that I need reinforced, I think:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Do you believe in miracles?:):):):):)...

I admit it:):):)...

I was wrong:):):)...

I went to work last night TOTALLY expecting more of the gossipy, responsibility avoiding bullshit of the last 2 or 3 nights:):):)...

And I was wrong:):):)...

I was a little surprised when our department lead (our second in command...a guy I like and respect quite a bit, really:):):)...put me on loading...

The last few nights, I've been on staging...

Staging is the part of loading that involves preparing carts of doors in lanes for lead loaders to take them from the lanes for the guys (or gals, as the case may be:):):)...there is at least one lady lead loader that I know of:):):) to load onto the trucks:):):)...

I was on staging because -- from my perspective -- I was getting blamed for a lot of hyperaggressive bullshit...lots of bossing...and bullying...and pushing too hard...all things that I've spent the entire time I've been on shipping saying needs to begin to end if we want to be most productive...

And the last few nights...when I have been staging...and as at least a couple of leads and loaders have been rationalizing what bossy, bullying, sons-a-bitches they've been being...I have to say that our numbers have been down...

And last night...I was fully prepared to go into work...to go do staging, on my own (hence the rationale for having me stage...I was somehow both the pussy on the crew, because I'm a vegitarian and such a nice guy...and the aggressor in the various conflicts we've had on the crew...a pretty big stretch of a rationalization, really, if you ask me:):):)...

But...for whatever reasons:):):)...maybe because conversation was easier between the guys and I, last night:):):)...

John put me on loading:):):)...

So...there I am...avoiding every conflict that might ever arise with all the effort I could possibly muster:):):)...

But here's the miracle:):):)...

So were the other guys:):):)...

I'm loading with two of the guys that I have most recently come into the closest physical conflict with:):):)...my very close friend, Deway...who I've had physically threatening conflict now 3 or 4 times, during my time at shipping:):):) (though I'm totally serious that Deway is one of my closest friends:):):)...and Zach:):):)...who I think is smart:):):)...and who I like a lot:):):)...but I've never really totally known how Zach felt about me:):):)...

So it's Deway and Zach -- two of the guys with whom I've had conflict which led to me both being removed from loading...and which was leading me to hate this job in a way that I haven't up until this point:):):) -- a new loader, Kevin:):)...and one of my favorite leads (other than the now second shift department lead, Kenny, who's my favorite, really:):):)...Fred:):):)...who's a great guy:):):)...and becoming quite the lead load, as well, as it turns out:):):)...

And the amazing thing:):):)...the miracle:):):)...

Is that Deway...of all people...who's a pretty verbally aggressive dude, really:):):)...though...as I said:):):)...Deway is one of my very good friends:):):)...

Deway...is clearly trying to make sure that he and I don't get in trouble:):):)...

So Deway is playing nice, all night...except with Zach:):):)...who he's giving some way too aggressive shit...which is concerning me...because...remember...I need to avoid conflict at all costs, at this point...so I have a limited ability to intervene by giving him shit...which I do anyway, when I think Zach is just had enough of Deway's shit for the night...which luckily prompts Deway in the right direction...who goes and plays nice with Zach for a while...which puts Zach in a better mood:):):)...

I avoided conflict like crazy, last night:):):)...

I had a conversation with a guy who was arguing that the statistics for lung cancer (after a casual conversation about the unfortunate diagnosis for Dana Reeves, Christopher Reeves' widow, with lung cancer) of 90% of lung cancer patients being non-smokers, and 10% being smokers...after an attempt by me to clarify what I thought were the reverse statistics of 90% of lung cancer victims being smokers, and 10% being non-smokers:):):)...

But I didn't even say anything, here...where I would normally press someone to explain the complete illogic of such an assertion (this guy did seem kind of obstinantly rebellious in his assertion:):):)...

I say nothing...

Because I'm looking to avoid serious conflict at all costs:):):)...

But...the cool thing...

Is that Deway was too...

And Zach was too...

And Fred was cool as usual:):)...

And Kevin was fairly cool all night:):)...

And John, our department lead, was REALLY relaxed...

As was Ben, our supervisor...

Everyone was relaxed, actually...

No bossing around, of me, at least...

And guess what?...

71 tiers...

Our normal quota is around 56...and 71 is a higher number for us:):):)...

It's amazing what you can get done when you reduce the aggression and focus on and cut everyone slack to do their best job:):):)...

And you know what the amazing thing is in this tale of cautious optimism that the last few days may have been the darkness before the dawn...

I don't think that Deway and Zach were chilling out because they were taking responsibility for pushing on me, at all (in fact, Deway still seem to avoid responsibility in a conversation we had:)...

I think they were chilling out...

Because they liked me:):)...

And they didn't want to get in trouble, themselves, for obvious reasons...

And maybe because they didn't want me kicked out of shipping, which was the last threat made against me:):):)...

I don't know if these guys care about me the way I care about them...I never know if anyone cares about me the way I care about them:)...

But I do know that last night we had a really chill night...no serious conflicts...lots of more clearly good-natured humor...and even some love:):):)...

And we put up 71 tiers, last night:):):)...

And I feel pretty good about that:):):)...

And a SERIOUS validation for the principles of least possible necessary aggression:):):)...

Which were clearly in play last night as we put up pretty impressive numbers:):):)...

And is the direction that third shift shipping has been moving in, at least since I've been working there:):):)...

We take 2 steps forward...and then 1 step back...or 3 steps forward...and then 1 step back...or 3 steps forward...and 2 steps back:):):)...

But somehow...we keep fumbling forward:):):)...

And that is the fate of humanity, I think:):):)...

I've been reading this really terrific article by conservative international policy scholar, Samuel Huntington, on democratic reversals...the propensity of the democratic world to go through long periods of expansion...and then periods of reversal (a period that I think we are somewhat in the middle of, right now...though only time will tell on what scale:):):)...

And such is the fate of humanity, I think:):):)...

Abraham Maslow refers in the Farther Reaches of Human Nature to "healthy regressions":):):)...

And maybe this is one of them...

It's just kind of the nature of the learning curve, sometimes, I think:):):)...

To make better choices:):):)...

We often have to make worse ones:):):)...

So we can see the difference:):):)...

And learn from the worse ones:):):)...

To keep making better and better ones:):):)...

That's why I'm a liberal (in a theological sense):):):)...

Because people just make mistakes:):):)...

It's part of their inescapable nature:):):)...

It is the only way, sometimes, that they can tell the difference between a worse choice and a better choice:):):)...

And to learn...gradually...progressively...over time:):):)...

How to make better choices:):):)...

And that can be mistakes of international policy:):):)...

Or even mistakes in a garage door shipping dock:):):)...

But...over time...I am becoming cautiously optimistic:):):)...

We make better choices:):):)...

And we each play a role in that, I'm convinced:):):)...

Do you believe in miracles?:):):)...

I only like to play as an underdog...

It's when I play best:):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben