Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Have you ever been your own inspiration?...

Have you ever felt totally inspired and idealistic...completely on your own...totally independent of the world around you...

Say...for instance...when the world seems to be sapped of all idealism...so lost is it in rationalizing its own cynicism...

I've felt something like this at two different other times in my life...

Once...when I was in school...high school...college...grad school...doing well in school...searching out wisdom...competing successfully in forensics...working jobs that supported my schooling...and generally chasing dreams...with lots of folks supporting me:):)...

The second time...with someone else...totally in love...chasing idealistic dreams of our own...in school...undergrad...and grad school...but chasing dreams of our own that totally shaped both of our school experiences...that were bigger than school...they were about changing the world:):)...

And now...a third time...but stronger...stronger than I've ever felt it in my life...on my own...living on my own...working a job that has nothing to do with my ultimate aspirations...except as one more opportunity to learn about the great majority of folks...who live without great aspirations in their lives:)...looking for meaningful, purposeful work in a school...doing policy work that I very much hope will change the way people think about the world...about policy...and their government...about their communities...about their lives...

And this third time is especially different...

Because the first two times...I had one thing that wasn't present...that handicaps most folks, I think...and has handicapped me, at times, I must admit...though I think I'm getting over that...

Which is the knowledge that so many people...live such cynical, bankrupt, small-minded lives...and aspire for so little...

In a world...and a life...that has so much to offer...

If only people will extend beyond their immediate grasp...

You what I'm realizing, right now?...

That no matter how great or shitty life seems...

This is the one opportunity that you and I and everyone have...to live big...to do great things...to dream bigger than our current realities afford us...

The difference between this time...and times previous...

Is that I know, now, just how badly life can suck...how low it can sink...how small it can be...through the eyes of folks who only see two feet in front of them...

And I still dare to dream big:):)...

And all those times before...I was supported by all these people...who wanted to believe...in part because I did, I imagine...

And now...with so little support...with so few people rooting for this idea that the world can be safer, more decent, more humane, more thoughtful, wiser...better...

By trusting it and the people in it more...

Rather than bottoming out our every mistrust of those same people and that same world...

I am more idealistic than I was with all their support...

Not less:):):)...

Because goddamn it if I'm gonna let the small visions of the great majority of folks...whether I'm surrounded by people who support me...or not:):)...

Get in the way of my big dreams...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Life ain't fair...

I was kind of getting bogged down, today, in my despair that life just seems like some kind of fucked revenge on smart kids, sometimes...sure seems like it...especially these days...

Rented Life of Brian, again...along with Monty Python's Holy Grail...

It's amazing how much contemporary politics is just one recycled version of yesterday's and yesteryear's:):)...

Brian and Roman soldier after Brian has been caught painting graffiti on a prominent Roman building...and has finished giving Brian a bizarre lesson in Latin grammar, complete with a sword to the throat to punctuate a lesson on the use of the nominative verb form...

Roman soldier: Understand?
Brian: Yes sir...
Roman soldier: Now write that a hundred times...
Brian: Yes sir...thank you, sir...hail Caesar, sir...
Roman soldier: Hail Caesar...and if it's not done by sunrise...I'll cut your balls off...
Brian: Oh, thank you sir...thank you, sir...hail Caesar and everything, sir...

Pretty much sums up my life, at this point...

I thought I'd give it another watch...and try to laugh at what morons we all seem these days...

God knows we need someone to laugh at us all, right now:):):)...

But then...as I thought about it some more...

I realized...

This is really kind of stupid whine...

Life is unfair for everyone...

I'm just getting my taste of it:)...

I just want life to be more fair for everyone...

And I get a little discouraged when it seems unfair...

"Cheer up, Brian...you know what dey say...

Some fings in life aw bad...dey can really make you mad...

Ovver fings just make you swear and curse...

When you're chewing on life's grissul...

Don't grumbul...give a whistle...

And dis'ul help fings turn out fo de best...

And...always look on the bright si-ide of life...(whistles tune)...

Always look on the light side of life...

Cause life's a piece of shit...when you at it...

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true...

You'll see it's all a show...keep 'em laughing as you go...

Just remember that the last laugh is on you...

Always look on the bright side of life" (whistles tune)...

I've instructed all my friends that I want the last 15 minutes of Monty Python's The Life of Brian played at my funeral:):):)...

Yeah...life ain't fair for any of us...we all feel a little cheated inside, I imagine...for something...

I want it to be better...

But this is what we all got, for now...

So we might as well share it, I guess...and enjoy it while we got it:):)...

Ever seen Mr. Roberts?...Henry Fonda...Jack Lemmon...James Cagney?...great movie...kind of captures it...

We're all stuck on this miserable little boat, together...when it's miserable, that is...like we're all making it, right now:):):)...

So we might as well all enjoy our time while we're here:):):)...

Like they say in Mr. Roberts...

What we all need is a little liberty:):):)...you'll have to see it to understand, better:):)...

And that's what I think we all use a little...a lot...more of...

Liberty, that is:):)...

And maybe a little less shit from one another...and a little more support...

Have a good day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S. I talked with my grandma, tonight...she's slowed down, some, with her illness...I know she must be dissappointed...being so active...and having to slow down...but she sounds like she's doing alright...we'll all hope good things for her:)...

Winning Through Intimidation...

I picked up a book at the annual Lawrence Public Library book sale...

It's called Winning Through Intimidation...by Robert Ringer:):):)...

I thought since so many folks had become enamoured with this approach:):):)...

That I should check it out and see why Mr. Ringer has been so unfairly excluded from the classics of modern political theory...

As the tortoise character on the book's cover says,

"Read this book and start winning today"

It sounds like a line right out of the playbook for Democrats today...stolen right out of the playbook of Republicans...

I'll have to ask Dr. Ericson why this wasn't one of the texts in our modern political theory class...

Since it's the main tool of influence in contemporary politics and too much of everyday life, these days...

Dr. Ericson and his ivory tower...

He just doesn't understand how real life works:):):)LOL:):):)...

You know what's really funny?:):):)...

That Robert Ringer and so many people today...think that intimidation is a new idea:):):)...that we just haven't tried sufficiently to deal with important problems in the past:):):)...

Robert published his book the year I was born...1973...

I wonder why we haven't heard from Mr. Ringer in either the scholarly or the popular publishing circles much since?...

Maybe his time has come:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Monday, October 10, 2005

Proud of yourself...no matter the consequences:):)...

You ever felt proud of yourself...and your efforts...of your courage...no matter the consequences?:):):)...

It's a great feeling:):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...

Have a great day everyone:):):)...

P.S. I talked with a good friend from Amarr about shipping on 3rd shift, recently:):)...it doesn't sound good...I guess they're trying to pressure for more productivity again...creating more conflict which just slows everything down, paradoxically...

But it reminded me that I want all the guys at Amarr -- everyone...Ben and John, included...even though we disagree about what will improve productivity there...and I had to get a serious break from all the nonsense that passed for thoughtful policy there:):)LOL:):) -- to know that I really enjoyed working there, on balance:):)...I really like those guys...and love 'em, really...though most of them would get really uncomfortable if I told them that to their faces:):):)LOL:):):)...so I just say it on a blog where only one or two have access so I won't have a truckload of tough guys coming to beat my ass for making such a pussy remark about our time together:):):)LOL:):):)...

And like everything else I do...I know everyone is working in good faith:):)...generally:):)...

I really loved working on a shipping dock...definitely not something I imagined for myself at any point in my life:):)...and I really loved it:):)...and it made an indelible impact on my life:):):)...

Thanks, guys:):)...

Love,
Ben

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Falsifiability...as a principle of science...and developing tests for my ideas:)...to prove them wrong:):)...

I was having a conversation, today, on what distinguishes the theory of evolution from theories like intelligent design...

And I got a great idea for the next steps in testing my ideas:)...

The conversation was about what makes science, science...

And a bunch of folks posted on the idea of falsifiability...

Which basically means...that scientific ideas can be demonstrated...and falsified...we can demonstrate scientific ideas are right...and demonstrate that they are wrong...

Empirical standards assume that when we say demonstrate...we mean that we can make clear inferences and interpretations of facts using our senses...sight...sound...taste...smell...touch...

Political science works similarly...though setting up experiments by the most rigorous scientific standards is difficult...because developing clean separation of conditions is terribly difficult in the social world...

Political and social scientists (psychologists especially) aspire...with experiments that seek volunteers to expose themselves to separate conditions that produce as clean a difference between data as possible...

But, generally...those experiments are still subject to fairly heated debates about interpretation of data...

And in political science, especially...debates that are often predicated on policy biases that are really difficult to parse out...

An excellent example of this difficulty in policy debates is the scholarly debate on vouchers...

Paul Peterson, of Harvard University, William Howell, and whole host of others represent a camp of folks who believe in vouchers...and who conduct experiments to try to test their validity...

And Paul Witte, of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, and others are folks who have done analysis of that same data, generally, and come to different conclusions...

And though the same folks have worked with similar data...they have often come at that data with different assumptions about a whole host of complex phenomena -- another very serious complexity with policy questions...there is just so much complexity to social and political phenomena...that even serious policy thinkers and scholars have very serious differences and strong feelings about them:):)...although...as I'm learning...a similar problem exists -- including the strong feelings -- in other scientific circles like biology, physics, and chemistry...

Both of these groups of researchers have had particular interest in a set of data that has been collected from the experiment with publicly-funded private school vouchers engaged by the city of Milwaukee...

And both of them have come to very different conclusions, as you can imagine, based on their different policy positions...and the subsequent assumptions about the data that they've come at the data with:):)...

Paul and his associates have tried to separate out the data...they've looked at results from students with similar backgrounds who have stayed in public schools (one of the very interesting critiques of this analysis of data is that comparisons are made of those who are stable in public schools versus those who choose to use vouchers...rather than those who engage in public school choice versus those who use vouchers)...and those who have taken advantage of the private school vouchers to attend schools both in other public schools (I believe, if I'm remembering the data set, correctly...if not...it would be an interesting way to analyze the data)...and in private schools outside the public school district...

But the trick, here, is that the advocates for various perspectives -- those favoring private school vouchers...and those favoring public schools -- each developed experiments and analyzing data in a way that supported their various perspectives...even as I thought there was much validity (meaning, truth...not just validity for their feelings:):):)...in each perspective...

I tend to think that public schools offer the best educational opportunities...

But I also think that freedom -- which shows up differently and incomplete in different schooling situations...and in schooling situations versus other situations, altogether -- is critical to the best learning...

So I'm going to go about my testing, differently...

I've developed my ideas, enough, I think, at this point...here...and on a couple of different forums I've been on -- Blonde Sagacity...but more...the EZBoard International Debate forum I've debated on -- to develop a much better idea, in my own head, at least, of what the implications of least possible necessary aggression, involves:):)...enough to write a book, at least, if not several, at this point:):)...

But the testing is really the tricky part:):)...

And I feel separate enough from the ideas, at this point (and confident in them, as well, I must admit)...

That I'm going to approach the question of falsifiability with the higher scientific standard...

Meaning...I'm going to develop tests to prove my ideas wrong...

And like any true debater:):):)...

I'm going to develop tests that are as rigorous in trying to prove my ideas wrong...as I was in developing them to constructively solve serious policy problems that I and others encounter...

And I'll start with what I think are the weakest areas or seemingly weakest areas in my ideas...

Some of the areas where I'm concerned by either statistics or by arguments in my ideas include advocacy for gun rights (the statistics of gun-related murders in the United States are way disproportionately high...though the U.S. has a lot of gun control laws that date back to near the beginning of the 20th Century, at least...and I don't have a very good explanation for those gun-related murders, at this point, by my lights)...

Another area is why people, intuitively, believe that harsher punishments are more effective for serious and violent crimes...even when the psychological data seems to point in the opposite direction...

Another area is places where pressure and intimidation and punishment seem to work...and help buttress the idea that they work for many people...but where, as behavioral and other psychologists, I think, rightly argue, that they work temporarily -- and I would add with longer term consequences that are often not accounted for -- and do not lead to internalization of principles and understandings that accomplish those goals more sustainably and substantially...

Meaning...why education and understanding and constructive engagement and thought and reality checks are far more effective, long term, and without those longer term consequences, than punishment is either the short term...and certainly in the long term...

As I've said before...aggression is sometimes necessary...

But the problem is in the rationalization of its use when it is not or is less useful...as means of gaining control...that is elusive...

Some of the military and law enforcement applications are ones I want to explore...since so many folks in these fields might be more likely to object to them, I assume...though I'm learning an awful lot about the diversity of ideas in these fields...but these are fields that more regularly use force to deal with difficult issues they encounter...

Business and economic applications might occur in these fields that might be less open to them than some other fields -- like education and academia...though there is much more precedent for the idea that freedom and education -- in the form of free trade and schooling -- creates growth in the fields of business and economics than in the fields of military and law enforcement...criminology might have incorporated more psychology...but I haven't studied enough criminology, at this point, to know...that's a place to start, too, I think:):)...

And the legal field has advocates for freedom on different sides, as do the politicians and activists that often borrow from this field to make arguments...

Bill Clinton's leadership includes both advocacy of things like drug control and gun control...and constructive engagement in places like China and Vietnam that seem to have been succesful in opening those countries up, both to promote more freedom in these countries and cultures, generally...but also to provide reality checks that make citizens and leadership in these countries more aware of poorer and better policy choices...

And George Bush's leadership with the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq offer excellent opportunities to test these ideas, as well...if conservatives who argue that America must look after her interests and the resentment of the world be damned and that means playing every hard power card we have necessary -- military, legal, political, and economic -- and that the casualties in Iraq are the necessary by-product of a more successful international policy than the one offered by the liberal leadership of Presidents like Bill Clinton (something that seems like a significant stretch to me, at this point, I must admit:):):)...then that scenario would pose a significant challenge to these ideas, I think:):)...

Liberal, Democratic, and citizen reaction to Hurricane Katrina, the blame games, the resignation of Michael Brown, and other unfolding events with that natural disaster might also offer an opportunity to look at the up-side of blame games, so to speak:):)...God knows a lot of liberals and Democrats engaged in them:):)...and an awful lot of folks -- conservatives included -- argued for them...so this might be a place to look at efforts that challenge a more constructive approach to difficult policy questions...or which frame constructive efforts differently...

And Tom Delay's indictments and issues with campaign finance regulation as well as larger issues with campaign finance regulation might offer some interesting tests of the issues -- good and bad -- with campaign finance regulation...

And I probably should, at some point, make increasingly clearer on this blog...as I have on other forums...the places where I think aggression is appropriate and most appropriate...where controlling and limiting freedom is more appropriate...in conjuction with efforts at constructive engagement...because the stakes are too high to leave freedom as an option...unrepentant and sociopathic murders and violent criminals...and even repentant murderers and violent criminals, for periods of time that assure more safety that they will not repeat their crimes...

And places where it is less useful...

Trying to impose democratic and freedom-loving values comes to mind, here:):)...

But here's the challenge for me...

I'm not interested in being right where I'm wrong...

It makes no sense...

Why would someone want to prove they are right when they are wrong?...

If you're wrong, you're wrong...

So...the challenge for me...

Is to develop as rigorous of tests as I can develop...

That attempt to prove my ideas wrong...

That try to falsify them...

I'm working on them...as well as using this as an opportunity to look at data that I want to analyze with fresh eyes...that look for alternative explanations...

And better yet...

With an eye to proving my ideas around least possible necessary aggression wrong:):):)...

Science is so fun, don't you think?:):):)...

That's why I love it:):):)...

It's the enterprise most open and rigorous...about proving itself wrong:):):)...

If anyone has any suggestions...as I'm sure a lot of people should...most people agree with me, in part...and then not, in part...so the parts where you don't agree with me...you can draw on those for ideas to prove these ideas wrong...

Please submit them:):)...

So here is everyone's chance:):):)...and an open invitation as long as I and everyone else is alive and kicking:):):)...

Any ideas that anyone has about how these ideas might be wrong...

I am way open to hearing them, right now...

Because I'm serious...

My focus, right now...

Is on proving my ideas wrong:):):)...

I think I might start with that John Stuart Mill essay I blogged about earlier...the one I said was the most comprehensive critique of these ideas, generally, that I have found, up to this point...it's published in a book called Applied Ethics, edited by Peter Singer, and published by the Oxford University Press in 1986...it's called Speech in Favour of Capital Punishment(1868)...in case you're interested:):):)...

Immigrants and native citizens...sorts out those who choose to live with laws and those who don't...to sort out matters of domestic force to deal with domestic issues within countries...and sorting out data for more and less democratic and more and less autocratic countries would be useful, too...

And consequences following constructive engagement and diplomatic resolutions of various international issues and those following the use of military power...and then to look at the consequences following conditions where I would assume, given these principles, where diplomatic or constructive engagement would be more effective...and conditions where militaristic or more forceful efforts would be more effective...terrorism presents particular challenges around collaborative efforts between military and law enforcement...but I imagine we can find data separating various consequences after various scenarios...

There are a lot of confounds in any data set we'd consult...meaning...there's a lot of different policies being used during similar or simultaneous time periods...

But the great thing about democracies...is that they offer a better laboratory for different approaches...

Meaning...that there are different democracies and different governments with different policies and different more dominant and less dominant ideologies during different time periods -- many of those democracies incorporate federalism...so different governments within federal arrangements that offer different policies to consider -- with different policies and different consequences from those different policies that we can analyze...

Also...if you feel more comfortable emailing me ideas for tests rather than posting them publicly on my blog (and I'll respect any requests for anonymity)...please feel free to do so...at...

benfrankln@yahoo.com

...or...

bfrankln@hotmail.com

...or...

You can also post suggestions on my Blogspot blog at http://benfrankln.blogspot.com...

Let the tests begin:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Friday, October 07, 2005

Genuinely forgiving myself and others for our failures in our humanity:):):)...

In the midst of renewed sense of wonder...and innocence...for me, lately...

I've been flooded with some feelings of heartache...

Not bitterness, really...at all, really...

Just...some fear...and some heartache...wanting to treat others better...and to be treated better...

And a better recognition...that we're all just doing our best...and trying to get better...

And even when folks are not doing their best...that they're still on a path towards better...

A lot of people seem so clueless, much of the time:):)...just what a low standard they hold for how they treat others:):)...and treat themselves:):)...

And so wrapped up in a false self-image...that they're more decent...to others and to themselves:):)...than they really are:):)...something I'm sure I'm guilty of, as well:):)...

I fail...and I get better...and I fail...and I get better:):):)...and I fail:):):)...and I get better:):):):):)...and so my life goes:):):)...

And...as we make our way down that path...

I recognize the need to more genuinely forgive myself and others...for all the times that we have and continue to fall short of a perpetually enlarged ideal...

It's hard...

I hate being treated like shit...as does everyone else...

But...

I've come to embrace during this time...

That we only have each other:):)...

And so we either develop more patience for each and all of our learning and growth and development...including all the times and ways that we low ball our treatment of one another, as so many of us are rationalizing these days...

Or we live our lives alone...which is kind of a lonely and uninspired way to live...

It's nice, sometimes...and even good for us, I think:)...

But it's also just kind of...bland...and without much sharing of ourselves and others...where so much of life that really matters happens...

I perpetually feel bad that my blog doesn't really give people a good enough reflection, I don't think...of who I really am...

It's just not the same thing as sharing someone's life in person, I don't think:):)...though it's awesome to get a peek into peoples' lives the way that this medium allows:):):)...

Have you ever seen Kikujiro?...you really should, if you haven't already:):)...it's a really beautiful movie:):)...the best artistic direction that I think I've ever seen in a movie, really:):)...and a terribly beautiful movie about a loving child who seems to bring out the best in everyone around him:):)...including and especially the ex-gangster who signs up to take him across the country to meet his mother:):)...

We rented it for Melissa's birthday:):)...I wanted her to see what I thought was the best example of artistic direction in a movie that I'd seen:):)...in case that direction with her art and theater interests was something that she might like to take up:):)...

As well as this really terrible French film...In This Skin...which you should see if you want to push the limits of your capacity to be shocked by blood and gore in an otherwise drama...it'll shock, I guarantee:):):)...but that's about it:):):)...

And a small, experimental independent movie directed by one of my very good friends, here in Lawrence, Matt Toplikar, and his friend, Alan Wiel, called Solitaire:):)...and co-starring another of my very good friends and another aspiring film director, Brent McCall:):):)...as well as a little 10 minute piece directed by the same duo...and starring another good friend of mine and a fellow-traveling film director, Jeff Ruggles:):)...

Kikujiro...and just life, generally...remind me...

That sometimes I just wish that I knew all the directions that we should take in life...

But right now...more than any other time in my life, I think...

I'm a little at a loss...

Though still with a better sense of direction than I've ever had, as well:):):)...my compass keeps getting better all the time:):):)...

And admitting to others that I don't know the directions, much of the time...is part of getting a better sense of direction, I think:):)...

I think I have a pretty extraordinarily strong compass, much of the time, really...

It's just that no compass is always on target, completely...

Sometimes...we have to get lost, I think...to know what it is to be found...

And sometimes we are lost, I think...even as we're finding our way:):)...

Much of the time we're lost, I think...even as we are finding our way...

I miss having someone around with a comparably strong compass...

Someone to share the burden with...someone to find direction with...someone I can rely on to ease my heart...when my capacity for direction seems overtaxed by so much pressure to go this way or that...

Someone who can steer me, better...when I'm too tired to drive...

There's this really beautiful imagery in Kikujiro...around the idea of angels...

The boy carries a small, light blue backpack:):)...with angel wings on the back:):)...

Mister -- the ex-gangster -- intimidates two motorcyclists...to give him an angel bell...that one of them carries on his bike:):)...

And these gorgeous artistic images of angels descend on the boy...and figure in these incredible dream sequences...and transitions...that feature the amazing artistic direction of this moving little story:):):)...

I'm not looking for an angel, really:)...

I'm looking for an ordinary girl...who aspires to be better...than me...than her own best...every day...till the day she dies...to care for me...in the same and better sometimes not-so-hot ways that I care for her...

To love me...and to teach me to love...better...deeper...wiser...more profoundly...than I could learn on my own:):)...

I'm really tired:)...I should get some sleep:):)...

Hope everyone has a beautiful day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Please check out this group...

...if you happen to be in or around Kansas City or Lawrence:):):)...

Hosted By: Jas A
When: Sunday Oct 23, 2005
at 6:30 PM
Where: Prospero's Books
1800 W 39th
Kansas City, MO 64101
US
Description:
Jas A

Click Here To View Event

If you have the time...please come...OPUS never disappoints...a really excellent performance every time I've seen them:):)...I highly recommend them:):)...

This month's subject: Vice...

Please check them out:):)...

Love,
Ben

If you're between 21 and 121...

...and you've forgotten what it's like to be 13...

Go rent Big...

I forgot just how fresh and new and mysterious and scary and innocent, all at the same time, that the world seemed...

And how adults lose so much track of that feeling...

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you realize...

That either folks are going to let the light in...

Or just keep hiding in the darker corners in their hearts?:):):)...

I think I'm there:):)...

Love,
Ben

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

No matter how much people frustrate me...which they do persistently:):):)...I love 'em all:):):)...

You know:)...

People piss me off, alot:):):)...

They get all worked up over stuff that they, often, don't know shit about:):)...

They want to love one another, often:):)...without really acting like it, much of the time:):)...not for real, I mean:):)...

They're often really petty:):)...I mean really petty:):)...so much stupid bullshit tickles their fancies and gets them upset:):)...

And they/we all spend an awful lot of time trying to jockey for who is the best person...so that we can speak with authority on why the person we're pissed at in the moment is really just this unsalvageable asshole:):):)LOL:):):)...

We can all be just kind of insanely passionate about nothing, much of the time:):)...at least in the big picture:):):)...or maybe passionate about important things...but too attached to our own reactions...rather than giving some deep, constructive thought to the matter:):)...

But...you know what?:):)...

I love people:):)...I really do:):):)...

Even with all the bullshit:):)...

It's like a relationship:):)...

Our best relationships are the ones that support and challenge our growth, the most:):):)...

Just lose one, once, that seems to challenge you too much, at times...and you'll know what I mean:):)...how you'll miss all that challenge once it's gone:):):)...

And to one degree or another...

I learn and grow in all my relationships...with everyone:):):)...all my friends:):)...all my family:):)...all the folks I've ever read:):)...and gotten a peek inside their minds:):)...and their understanding and reflections on the world:):)...

Everyone:):)...no matter who they are:):):)...

And I just love 'em:):)...

Maybe that's the feeling I've been having, lately:):):)...

Feeling like I'm in love:):)...

Maybe I just kind love humanity that much:):)...you know?:):):)...it's kind of nice, really:):):)...

I still want the smartest, most open, most freeing, most challenging relatioships...that support my learning and growth, most:):):)...that's for sure:):):)...people like Brandi...and my previous girlfriend, Jenny:):)...and Tom...and Jeannie...and Wayne...and my stepmom, Marilyn...and my dad, Chuck:):)...and all the best professors I've ever had:):)...Dave Ericson, at Wichita State:):)...and Tom, at KU:):)...and Melissa:):)...and Jas:):)...and Dolly:):)...and Blick:):)...and Dave:):)...and Elizabeth:):)...and Leslie:):)...and Willy:):)...and Kimmy:):)...and Debbie:):)...and Jesse:):)...and Bill:):)...and little Kelsie:):)...and Kenny:):)...and Deway:):)...and Fred:):)...and Z:):)...and Zach:):)...and David:):)...and JD:):)...and Sean:):)...and Brian:):)...and Dave:):)...and Shawn:):)...and Josh:):)...and Kevin:):)...and Brent:):)...and Matt:):)...and everyone, really:):)...

And the reason why I haven't fell in love in a quite awhile, up to this point:):):)...

Because my the last time I was really in love...which has now been as long as the entire time I dated that girl:):):)...crazy:):):)...

It was a really high standard...for all that learning and growth, you know?:):):)...

It was a really great relationship, really:):):)...

And now I'm looking for that and better:):):)...

But in addition to those really rewarding, intimate relationships that we can have with those really close, special friends and lovers:):):)...

I learn something from everyone, really:):)...

From people I meet in passing...from people I work with...from people I consider good friends...from teachers...from people I hang out with casually...from people I debate all kinds of issues, politics especially, with:):)...

I learn from everyone, really:):):)...

The reason I want to be a teacher, I think:):):)...

So I can keep learning from all kinds of people:):):)...for the rest of my life:):):)...

And that's just the kind of who guy I am:):)...

I love being curious about a million things, really:):)...chemistry...physics...biology...interesting, different jobs and careers...music...movies...entertainment...the law...theater...technology...

Everything...I'm interested in anything and everything:):):)...

But what I'm most interested in:):):)...what I love studying:):):)...and what I love doing with my life:):):)...

Is being with people:):):)...learning about them:):)...with and about them, generally:):):)...and with and about all the million different individuals I come across in my life:):):)...

I love it:):):)...it's my great passion in life:):):)...and I'm looking forward to being able to do it for as long as I'm able:):):)...

"You say either...and I say either...
You say neither...and I say neither...
Either...either...neither...neither...
Let's call the whole thing off...

You say tomato...I say tomahto...
You say potato...and I say potahto...
Tomato...tomahto...potato...potahto...
Let's call the whole thing off...

If...if we call the whole thing off...
Then we must part...
And oh...if we fall apart...
That would break my heart...

So, I say ursta you say oyster
I'm not gonna stop eatin' urstas just cause you call them oysters

So let's call it off...oh let's call it off
Oh, let's call it off...Let's call the calling off off...

Oh, let's...let's call the whole thing...off"

It doesn't matter how much people piss me off:):):)...I love 'em no matter what:):):)LOL:):):)...really:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

What a goddamn arrogant self-righteous bunch, this is...this human race:):):)...

I've been visiting some old haunts, lately:):)...

A liberal forum that I love...though I needed a serious break from...things were getting a little nasty:):)...hard to imagine in a period of liberal resurgence, I know:):)...

And a conservative forum:):)...where I felt I was talking to a brick wall, much of the time:):)...

But both had/have some great thoughts too...and a sense of how conservatives and liberals were reacting to various events and issues:):)...

And...the whole process...I think...has made me much more of a genuine independent, these days, I think, than in the past:):)...

I've been a liberal and a Democrat for most of my life:):)...my vote for George H.W. Bush in 1992 being a serious mistake and an exception, really:):)...

But goddamn if I haven't been uninspired, disappointed, and generally a little annoyed with the low-ball leadership among liberal and Democratic leaders, right now:):)...

Harry Reid vigorously opposes a more intellectual heavyweight like John Roberts...and supports a relative intellectual lightweight like Harriet Miers to fill the seat of a justice as admired (for good reason) as Sandra Day O'Connor?:):):)...because he likes Harriet's poor, sad underdog story, running one of the biggest law firms in Texas?:):):)...give me a fuckin' break:):):)...maybe Harry's a little intimidated by the brains of someone like John Roberts...and feels a little bit more at home with someone like Harriet Miers...for all the wrong reasons...

She definitely hasn't done much to convince me, yet, that she's Supreme Court material...Earl Warren or William Rehnquist -- two other judges with no experience before sitting with the Supreme Court -- she has definitely not proved herself to be, yet...

And Hillary Clinton has proved, thusfar...that when the going gets tough...as it did in Louisiana...Hillary starts a commission...much less admirable than the leadership of her husband...who worked on raising money for the effort...and had constructive criticism for the Administration's effort...

And Nancy Pelosi has just never impressed me, really...

Katrina prompted a serious break, for me, from conventional "Big L" liberal and Democratic responses...

And taught me a lot about how rare geunine leadership instincts really are...

And revisiting my old haunts has really hammered home an old lesson, for me, at this point, at least...

That we are all one big arrogant, self-righteous bunch...

Goddamn...

We are all so goddamn sure that we have the answers to everything...

That seriously studying issues...and listening to others...and trying to really understand them...

Just really isn't that important...

That the only things that matter...

Are our opinions and our assholes...both of which inspire concern, on our part, for our own...and indifference or hostility to one anothers':):):)...

We are just all just one big dumbass group hug...

All embracing ourselves for just how proud we are...

That we found all the right answers...

Without having to seriously think through them...or to consult all different kinds of people who may both agree and disagree with us...

But especially...all those folks who have:):):)...

It's so ironic...the pretense...of so many folks...who have never studied or tried to understand a whole host of issues...

So goddamn sure that they have all the answers...

And that everyone else...just doesn't recognize their brilliance...

And then...all those same people...lobbying their politicians...and their activist groups...and their friends...and their lobbies...

To do all those things they are all so goddamned sure will make everything better...

And then...when it doesn't...

Blaming the dumbasses in office who did all their bidding without thinking about it nearly enough themselves...

It's one big cosmic joke, I'm afraid...

We lobby and argue and persuade our politicians to act in a million different ways...

And then when they do...

We yell to the rafters for the heads of these same goddamn fools...

Lord, help us:):):)...

We are one big arrogant, self-righteous lot...

And...as my friend Lu, says...we get the government we deserve:):):)...

And right now:):):)...

We got it:):):)...

Lord, help us:):):)...

I think I need a drink:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Monday, October 03, 2005

Having those conversations...

I don't why...

But...my good news, today...

It's opened me up, some...

I celebrated with my friend and neighbor, Jesse...we got tacos...and some great cheap Dutch beer called Bavaria...

And we got a little tipsy:)...

And for some reason...

The good news opened me up...

I guess because it symbolized...for me, at least...the hope of reconciliation with my teachers...and my advisor...and mentor...Tom Skrtic...

I actually never imagined it differently when I was in grad school...

But things didn't turn out the way that I wanted...

And I had kind of given up hope, a little...

I guess today's news gave me some hope...

And...for whatever reasons...

It's had me facing death, more...facing it's imminence...knowing that it can/will happen between today and 30 years from now...or if I'm lucky...50 years from now...or...if I'm really lucky...70 years from now...but that's about as lucky as I expect I might be:):)...

And thinking, then...

That there are some conversations with people that I need to have with people before then...that my relationships with some people will never quite be complete if I don't have those conversations...

With some people...that's more limited...they aren't interested in having the conversations with me...

With others...I just need to have the conversations...and stop putting them off...knowing that I really could die tomorrow...and they'll never know how much I love them...how sorry I am about anything I've done wrong in my relationship and life shared with them...and how much I care about them...and want the best for them in their lives...

I just think people need to know how much we love them, you know?...even if the conversations might be, at times, uncomfortable...

I'm not the easiest person to approach about these issues, either, I realize...I get kind of embarrassed when people tell me that they love me...or that they're proud of me...I imagine it makes it harder for people to have the conversations with me...I just don't want them to think that I've done anything to win their love...or their approval...that I try to do things just to do the right thing...to do a good thing...a mitzvah...to do good...

But I imagine that's got to be off-putting for some folks...

And I imagine that a lot of my friends would really benefit from hearing me tell them in person how much I love them...and care about them...and support them...and want the best for them...

I just don't want them to be embarrassed, I guess...or to think me a puss for loving them so much...

If you didn't love Forrest Gump the first time, and you haven't given it a second chance...you really should...I did...I love this movie now...

It's a simple story about how a decent heart can weather any storm...how it is love...and not intelligence...or cleverness...or appearance...or wealth...or anything else, really...

Just decency...and an open heart...

Which make the world a decent place...

I hope everyone is safe...and well loved...

Have a good night, everyone...

Love,
Ben

Awesome news:):):)...

I just finally able to pick up my transcripts from school (navigating the bureaucracy to take care of holds took forever:):):)...

And awesome news:):)...

OK...far too many I's and W's for anyone's transcripts, I totally admit:):)...

But I'm withdrawn with no comment:)...

And I have a 3.82 GPA:):):)...higher than what I thought (I thought I had something like a 3.7...but I don't really pay close attention to this kind of thing, really:):)...ok...a little:):):)...but too much just takes away from what counts in an education:):):)...

My worries about how to explain my leaving school are slowly dissipating:):):)...

I am doing well:):)...

I hope everyone else is doing well, also:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Resolved to having a nice life:):):)...

I think this time off has been good for me:):)...

This morning:)...I've been really resolved...

That...I'm not interested in being scared for the rest of my life...

Of losing a job...or a house...or whatever...or whatever financial consequences might come with that...or of whatever, really...

And that I'm going to start talking more honestly and openly about that...with bosses and loan officers, when necessary:):):)...

And that I feel really great...about my capacities as a thinker...and as a teacher...and as someone who has a lot to contribute to almost any situation I might find myself in:):):)...totally independent of what others feel about me:):)...good or bad:):):)...

And that I'm just not as easily intimidated any more:):)...as easily I was, at least, when I feared the repercussions more of doing something to piss off someone with whatever power:):)...

It's the great thing about facing that fear in the workplace so many times:):):)...

After awhile:):):)...it just doesn't scare you any more:):):)...

So be it, is my philosophy now:):):)...as Sally from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown might say:):):)...

I'm actually quite convinced that I've discovered/theorized/uncovered some really important fundamental ideas about people...and power...and their problems...and those problems' solutions:):)...and life:):):)...

And I feel much more secure in that and in myself, as a consequence, now:):):)...and from now on, I assume:):)...

It just occurred to me, today...that if I couldn't just stop and feel good about my contributions to this world:):)...about my capacity to contribute:):)...and not be afraid all the time about being fired...or being out of a living situation...or whatever...

That noone really could:):):)...

And I'm just not interested in living a life where that would somehow be some kind of deadend of a life that everyone would just accept:):):)...rather than deciding to live different:):):)...

So I'm deciding to live different:):):)...

And I feel really good about it:):):)...

I feel, now...that I have a fairly realistic outlook on both how many important social and political efforts can be accomplished:):)...and not just self-righteously asserted:):)...or grandstanded on:):)...

And a sense of integrity to everyone involved:):)...much more than I understood while I was still in school:):):)...

There is something to experience, I think:):)...though learning to accept realities doesn't mean settling for them:):):)...

And I'm just tired, frankly, of spinning my wheels all the time...trying to meet expectations many of which people have no intention, at all, of being realistic or reasonable with:):)...

People can wait, I've decided:):):)...and if they don't like that:):):)...then they can go huff and puff either in healthy, constructive way with me:):):)...or they can take it somewhere else:):):)...

The truth is...that we all deserve to have people be patient...and kind...and decent with us:):):)...

And if I haven't earned it, frankly:):):)...noone ever will:):):)...

And I'd much rather live a life where I expect that:):):)...regardless of whether folks are ready or comfortable or prepared for that or not:):):)...than resign myself to a life where I can never just expect that people be reasonable with me:):)...and just kind of fuck off, frankly, if they're not:):):)...

I do want a nice life:):)...

A nice teaching job:):)...and writing and teaching for a living:):)...

A nice middle class home:):):) (I've never liked big houses, frankly:):):)...a house is supposed to be a home, I think:):):)...not a trophy:):)...or something that scares or intimidates the neighbors:):):)...

Time off for vacations and traveling:):):)...

Time to study:):)...and reflect:):)...and work constructively on important issues in our/my communities and life:):):)...

But to have those things...and to not be constantly afraid of losing them:):):)...

Priceless:):):)...

And that's how I intend to live my life:):):)...

Whether life is ready for that or not:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A general apology...

Hey, y'all:):)...

Hope everyone's doing well:):)...it's been a down weekend, really...I've kind of blue about some of my observations and feelings about how base political conversation has gotten, lately...and how I've been treated by some folks over the course of that...

Just been feeling kind of numb, really, this weekend:):)...

Lots of movies, this weekend:):):)...

Angels in America:):):)...a great rendition of both of Tony Kushner's brilliant scripts:):):)...

Prozac Nation:):):)...a really nice movie-version of Elizabeth Wurtzel's story of being overwhelmed by the pressures of Ivy League education and writing for the national press:):):)...

And Six Feet Under:):):)...always a good time:):):)...

I just wanted to take a moment to give a general apology...

For being kind of condescending, too much of the time, around political questions...

I was just talking with Melissa about this, today...

I get frustrated, sometimes...that...I feel like I work with a standard that is...there's no other way to really say it...it's just a higher standard than most people are familiar with, I think...

There was a situation that came up, today, that illustrated the point, I thought...

Melissa and I were shopping for books at the local annual public library sale, today:):)...

We happened across this Applied Ethics book...that I ended up buying:):)...

There was this John Stuart Mill argument in favor of the death penalty in it...I oppose the death penalty...and I disagreed with Mill's arguments...though I did think it was one of the most comprehensive critiques of both an anti-death-penalty position that I had read...and of my general thesis -- that dealing with difficult matters of public policy with punishment rather than with a more constructive, forward-looking approach that has more integrity and honesty with and to all the people involved...including trangressors...is the far less effective means of dealing with such matters -- by definition, in a sense...but also substantially -- than is an approach that seeks to punish and hurt people to deal with those same issues...

So I picked it up:):)...and if you want a copy of what I think is the best critique of that general thesis:):):)...I highly suggest it:):)...

It's called Speech in Favour of Capital Punishment (1868)...it's in Peter Singer's Applied Ethics book (Singer edits it...it's original documents from other authors, as well as Singer:):)...put out by the Oxford University Press...1986:):):)...great book...especially around life and death issues...abortion...euthanasia...capital punishment...

And though Mill is my single favorite 19th Century philosopher...and perhaps of all time (John Dewey is right up there with him:):):)...

I just think Mill is wrong about this one...I think his argument is an excellent abstract argument for his case...but I think the realities of punishment and capital punishment work differently that Mill assumes -- and most people assume, I think -- in his argument:):)...

Melissa and I were talking about the argument...

And I was recalling another argument that Mill wrote that I read when I was an undergraduate:):)...that argued that slaves could not choose slavery...

At the time...I thought it was a brilliant argument:):)...

Mill was arguing that slaves couldn't choose slavery...because their choosing of slavery would leave them with no freedom to choose otherwise:):):)...

Now...as a definite opponent of slavery:):):)...

I thought...what a great argument:):):)...obviously slaves lose their freedom to choose otherwise...should they choose slavery:):):)...

But then today...as Melissa and I were talking about it:):)...

I thought...

While I clearly agree that slavery is wrong -- which was Mill's central argument, of course:):):)...

I think...now...when I'm not trying to just defend his argument...and when I think about it in a more realistic context -- which is the standard I work with, now, after a policy graduate education...

That Mill is factually wrong about that argument...even while I support it's intent:):)...

Meaning...

A slave actually CAN choose their own slavery:):)...AND they lose their freedom to choose, should they make that choice...which is a great argument against slavery as an institution...because it binds someone to an agreement out of which they can't be unbound...

But in reality...it's similar to choosing to die...

If you commit suicide...or if you choose to be euthanized...

You can't come back after it takes place...

But you can still choose to do it:):)...

It's just a bad choice:):):)...

Which is Mill's general thesis on slavery, I think:):)...and which is the reason that he and most modern day folks want/ed it abolished:):)...

And my thinking about that argument has changed...

Because my thinking about the world, generally, has changed...as I was held and held myself to a higher and higher standard of accountability on policy questions...based on their realities...not just on what outcome that I preferred:):):)...

Meaning...

It wasn't good enough...and it's not good enough, frankly...in policy circles...to argue that "such and such" is the way the world should be...

You also need to square your view of the way the world should be...

With the way that the world is...especially in its more fundamental ways...

This isn't a cynical outlook...

It doesn't mean that you accept bad situations...

It just means that you look at bad situations...

And figure out the most likely way to make them better...given more persistent and fundamental realities:):):)...and...our forever limited understanding of those more persistent and fundamental realities:):):)...

There's quite a bit more to it, I think...

I just want to take a moment...and apologize...

Because...the truth is...that most people...including me, for most of my life...don't hold themselves to that kind of standard when it comes to these kinds of discussions...

And over the last couple of days...especially after that discussion with Melissa...and after coming across in an internet search this terribly angry letter that I wrote back in grad school to this writer, Richard Poe, of Frontpage Magazine:):):)...

I realized just how much I've changed...over the years:):)...and especially out of my policy grad school education:):):)...

And how unfair it is to hold people to that kind of standard...

And how condescending it is to do say a lot of the things I've said given how different an expectation that is for most people...

I've just been frustrated, I think...with how out of control, in my view, the country has gotten...liberal...conservative...radical right...radical left...with political arguments and discussion...and...much more importantly...how we treat one another over the course of those discussions...

And I just feel bad that I've acted like everyone is supposed to know this stuff...

Or that somehow I'm some kind of final arbitrer on these matters...which I clearly am not...and have no place asserting or pretending to be...

It's an arrogant assertion...that's I've tried to avoid...but I don't think I have completely...frustrated that people often hold themselves to such a low standard...and my feeling that people often ignore the higher standard...as if it really doesn't mean anything...which it clearly does...to anyone who is more familiar with it:):):)...

It's definitely not my intent...

And usually...when it happens...it's just me feeling hurt...or feeling angry...about how I feel like I'm being treated in some conversation...

I'm just a guy...I'm not an angel...or some kind of wise man...

I'm just a guy who makes a lot of mistakes like everyone else, really...

And this one is one that I've tried like mad to avoid...

But which I just haven't been able to, I'm afraid...both because I'm human...but also because this blog is one of my main sources for venting all those bad feelings...as much as writing about my thoughts on important issues...

And because political conversations have just gotten more heated and cynical in the last five or years or so than I remember than being in earlier years...

Maybe because I was in a university setting for 12 years before the last couple of years...

But even there they were getting pretty bad the last time I spent a lot of time on a university campus...

And because I'm just human...and it's hard not to react...no matter how hard I try to be as decent as possible...

I watched this episode of Six Feet Under, tonight:):)...

Ruth -- the mom of the family -- gets married to George -- this very good and very decent geology professor:):)...

And the family is treating George like SHI-ITE:):):)...I mean major shit:):):)...even though George is a really good guy...I think, at least:):):)...

And George is doing his best to be a decent guy about the whole thing:):):)...

But in one conversation with Arthur, the funeral home's intern:):)...

George is kind of condescending:):)...in a conversation in his specialty...geology:):)...which..it turns out:):)...he was wrong about:):)...at least according to Arthur's source:):)...

But the larger issue for George:):)...is that he keeps getting treated like shit:):):)...by everyone in the house:):):)...

And I watched that:):):)...

And I thought:):):)...

I see myself in that:):):)...

And no matter why...or how it happens:):):)...

It's bullshit:):):)...no excuses:):):)...

So anyway...I just wanted to apologize...

I've been feeling like shit...

But that doesn't give any liscense to treat anyone else like shit...period...

I hope everyone's doing well:):):)...

Talk with everyone soon, I hope:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Preserving peoples' feelings...

I've been debating a little bit, today...

If I should just say/write things that I'm feeling/saying at the moment...which seems more authentic, much of the time...

Or if I should clean them up, more...

If you catch this blog at various posting times...you'll see that I clean up what I say quite a bit, actually...I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings, if I can avoid it...so I do all kinds of shit to preserve peoples' feelings...

I'm often more generous with people, by far, than they deserve:):):)...

I try to say things as nicely as possible...

I try to be sensitive about how people might feel being criticized publicly...

I take most people far more seriously than they take themselves...and what they say far more seriously than they think about what they say before they say it...

I don't know...I like "the big me"...

But I also know that I can trust someone when I can be more honest with them...and not sugarcoat everything I say/write...

Much of what I think of as being a grown up comes from conversations with adults when I was young when their guards were down, like this...rather than when they were being so nice...

But I also know that most people are much more fragile than me:):):)...and so I don't want to hurt their feelings more than I'm sure they can handle, most of the time...

I don't know...I don't know if it really matters much...

I just want to both be as decent as possible to folks...

And to show more honestly my real self...without editing:):):)...the clumsy, human, real me...without so much of the bullshit...

I just also don't want to hurt people...

Anyway...I'm just thinking about it...no real conclusions on the matter:):):)...

Have a good night, everyone...

Ben

Friday, September 30, 2005

The Onion totally outdoes itself:):):)...and David Rees:):):)...

Two articles from last week's Onion (which I just happened to get to in my inbox...I know...I'm a slacker:):):)...

Scalia goes on abortion bender after being passed over for Chief Justice...

...and...

Bush braces as Cindy Sheehan's other son drowns in New Orleans

Hilarious stuff:):):)...

And if you haven't checked out David Rees' work...Get your war on...My new filing technique is unstoppable...and My new fighting technique is unstoppable:):):)...

David Rees...My new filing technique is unstoppable...

I highly recommend his work:):):)...and catching him in person, as Melissa and I did, last night, at the Spencer Art Museum, here in Lawrence:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Totally random realization...and an apology and a thank you for my teachers:):):)...

Totally random, today...

I realized that I have an apology due to some old friends of mine...three teachers...Tom Skrtic...Jeannie Tramill...and Wayne Sailor...

It's a long way back...like 2 years...

And I don't think they read my blog, regularly...

It's a long story...but the short and long of it was that I was really scared about a situation in my life...about losing a job...feeling betrayed about the whole situation...since the truth was that I cared very much about doing well at that job and, in most ways, was far exceeding their expectations, I think...but it was a complicated situation, all around...and in the midst of it... not knowing what to do...I really took it out on my teachers...like really bad...and I just feel like a schmuck, for it...

It was in email...which makes the need for a personal apology all the more necessary, I think...I just think they deserve to hear it in person, if possible...

You ever notice how the older you get...the more experiences you have in life...the more understanding you get of peoples' limitations?...and your own...hopefully?...that's definitely my experience...

I feel so bad about this situation...but I just need to find a way to approach them -- there are three people involved -- and just tell them I'm sorry...

And when I think about it...I begin to realize just how we make progress after taking steps backwards...

How love and compassion and responsibility and more thoughtfulness are the only things that make sense when are darker impulses...fear, in my case...and cynicism...and hatred...and control...

When all of these fail us...

The truth is that these teachers did so much to help me and support me...intellectually...financially (Tom awarded me a pretty amazingly generous graduate stipend with really generous conditions, relative to other grad students)...and emotionally...especially in Jeannie's case...but also in Tom's case, some...they were really terrific...not ideal...noone is...but really terrific...and brilliant...and compassionate...and thoughtful...

I was just kind of blinded by my fear in the moment...and by my anger and bitterness, in the moment, that I was being treated unfairly I believed and believe...because I was following my own drummer...rather than towing the line...

It's a really delicate situation...so I don't think it's as easy as just going to them, saying hi, and saying I'm sorry...it's something that may take some time, perhaps...

I don't know:):)...we'll see:):)...

I just know...that at least I wanted to put it out there in the world...in case that I die in a car accident or I'm hit by a bus:):)...

That I'm sorry:):)...and that I really appreciate everything they did for me:):)...I really appreciate what great teachers and colleagues they were/are to me:):)...and everything they do to make KU such a great school:):)...

I've thought many times since I've been out of school how much more decent and constructive and thoughtful and humane and functional and productive and effective university environments, generally, and my graduate school, specifically, are than most of the work and life experiences I've had in the "real world" (because universities, you know, are not part of the real world:):):)LOL:):):)...they're just ivory towers living in the fantasy world of college campuses outside of real world day-to-day existence:):):)LOL:):):)...

And Tom and Jeannie and Wayne, in particular, did/have done a really terrific job as teachers and advisors and friends than do most...

I'm really proud to call them my teachers:):):)...and mentors:):):)...and friends:):):)...

Because they do so much to make things better in schools:):)...and in this world:):):)...

After the response the Katrina...and Rita...and the lingering bitterness over 9/11...it's more clear to me...that all of us have a tendency to get lost in our fears...our anger...our bitterness...our heartache...when life goes awry:):):)...

But that it's just heartache...

And when the darkness clears...hopefully...we can see the world with a stronger light:):):)...

Thanks Tom...Jeannie...Wayne:):):)...for all your support of my really very outstanding education at the University of Kansas:):):)...

And thanks for being such great leaders in my community...and in the bigger communities...of policy...of education...and in special education:):):)...

Thanks for doing your best...and for your best to be such a better example than most:):):)...

And thanks for nurturing my opportunity to contribute what I have to contribute:):):)...in my short time on this planet:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Thursday, September 29, 2005

I think I'm beginning to understand how Communism and theocracies stuck around for so long:):):)...

As I watch the persistent blaming...and failure by anyone to take responsibility:):)...including and especially American citizens:):)...as much as politicians:):)...

With Hurricane Katrina...Hurricane Rita...September 11th...and just about anything that people have some kind of random opinion about:):)...

I'm beginning to see why Communism and theocracies stuck around for so long:):):)...

They're just such easier fits with how most people deal with the world:):)...

Neither involve anyone taking any serious responsibility for anything:):)...they both involve lots of blaming:):)...and stubborn attachments to policies no matter how long they fail:):):)...both are seriously threatened by intelligent thought and free expression of that thought:):)...for reasons I completely understand now:):)...

Both claim utopias that never have and never will exist:):):)...and any evidence that they have never or never will exist is blamed on the messengers:):):):)LOL:):):)...rather than anyone taking responsibility for them:):):)...

In other words:):)...they're governments for people with a less developed understanding of politics and the world...and, often...people who just never grow up:):):)...people who have a less mature understanding of politics and the world...and cause a lot of unnecessary misery and tragedy for everyone who has to live under them...

And they sure do look a lot like Americans, right now...who claim to want neither...but who behave like they do...

And I'm becoming seriously concerned that the number of people who feel a genuine sense of responsibility for democracy are few and far between:):):)...

Because it just involves so much terribly tedious thinking...and a constructive outlook...and accepting peoples' limitations...and patience...

And all kinds of things that most people just don't want to be bothered with too much, I'm concerned:):):)...

In other words:):):)...as my friend Lu, always says:):):)...

We get the government we deserve:):):)...

It just hasn't sunk in with most people, yet, I don't think:):):)...

That the way Americans are behaving, right now:):):)...

This is the one we deserve:):):)...

And if we want better...

We're going to have to be better examples of constructive leadership...

Rather than reflections of too much of the tough-talking, ineffective, thoughtless, blame-shifting that characterizes too much of Washington, these days:):):)...

God help us:):):)...this sad little country:):):)...and this sad little species we belong to:):):)...

Hopefully...our progeny will study about these times...and just think...

What goddamn fools they all were:):):)...

Rather than fruitlessly blaming us for how foolishly we think about our government and our democracy:):):)...

We can only hope:):):)...

Have a good day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

An honorable soldier's question...a less than honorable political discussion...

Ian Fishback is an Army Captain who has written a deeply concerned and thoughtful letter to John McCain over the confusion among soldiers about what constitutes torture...

"Dear Senator McCain:

I am a graduate of West Point currently serving as a Captain in the U.S. Army Infantry. I have served two combat tours with the 82nd Airborne Division, one each in Afghanistan and Iraq. While I served in the Global War on Terror, the actions and statements of my leadership led me to believe that United States policy did not require application of the Geneva Conventions in Afghanistan or Iraq. On 7 May 2004, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld's testimony that the United States followed the Geneva Conventions in Iraq and the "spirit" of the Geneva Conventions in Afghanistan prompted me to begin an approach for clarification. For 17 months, I tried to determine what specific standards governed the treatment of detainees by consulting my chain of command through battalion commander, multiple JAG lawyers, multiple Democrat and Republican Congressmen and their aides, the Ft. Bragg Inspector General's office, multiple government reports, the Secretary of the Army and multiple general officers, a professional interrogator at Guantanamo Bay, the deputy head of the department at West Point responsible for teaching Just War Theory and Law of Land Warfare, and numerous peers who I regard as honorable and intelligent men.

Instead of resolving my concerns, the approach for clarification process leaves me deeply troubled. Despite my efforts, I have been unable to get clear, consistent answers from my leadership about what constitutes lawful and humane treatment of detainees. I am certain that this confusion contributed to a wide range of abuses including death threats, beatings, broken bones, murder, exposure to elements, extreme forced physical exertion, hostage-taking, stripping, sleep deprivation and degrading treatment. I and troops under my command witnessed some of these abuses in both Afghanistan and Iraq.

This is a tragedy. I can remember, as a cadet at West Point, resolving to ensure that my men would never commit a dishonorable act; that I would protect them from that type of burden. It absolutely breaks my heart that I have failed some of them in this regard.

That is in the past and there is nothing we can do about it now. But, we can learn from our mistakes and ensure that this does not happen again. Take a major step in that direction; eliminate the confusion. My approach for clarification provides clear evidence that confusion over standards was a major contributor to the prisoner abuse. We owe our soldiers better than this. Give them a clear standard that is in accordance with the bedrock principles of our nation.

Some do not see the need for this work. Some argue that since our actions are not as horrifying as Al Qaeda's, we should not be concerned. When did Al Qaeda become any type of standard by which we measure the morality of the United States? We are America, and our actions should be held to a higher standard, the ideals expressed in documents such as the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution.

Others argue that clear standards will limit the President's ability to wage the War on Terror. Since clear standards only limit interrogation techniques, it is reasonable for me to assume that supporters of this argument desire to use coercion to acquire information from detainees. This is morally inconsistent with the Constitution and justice in war. It is unacceptable.

Both of these arguments stem from the larger question, the most important question that this generation will answer. Do we sacrifice our ideals in order to preserve security? Terrorism inspires fear and suppresses ideals like freedom and individual rights. Overcoming the fear posed by terrorist threats is a tremendous test of our courage. Will we confront danger and adversity in order to preserve our ideals, or will our courage and commitment to individual rights wither at the prospect of sacrifice? My response is simple. If we abandon our ideals in the face of adversity and aggression, then those ideals were never really in our possession. I would rather die fighting than give up even the smallest part of the idea that is "America."

Once again, I strongly urge you to do justice to your men and women in uniform. Give them clear standards of conduct that reflect the ideals they risk their lives for.

With the Utmost Respect,

-- Capt. Ian Fishback

1st Battalion,

504th Parachute Infantry Regiment,

82nd Airborne Division,

Fort Bragg, North Carolina"

The attention by the Washington Post and Andrew Sullivan to this story is well-deserved...

But both sources seem to miss the point of Captain Fishback's letter...

Captain Fishback is not looking to get anyone...

He's trying to figure out how to prevent this kind of thing in the future...

Andrew hasn't quite come to terms, yet, I don't think, that his suggestion of criminal prosecutions is the current policy...and is not dealing very effectively, at all, with the fundamental issue of how to prevent such things in the future that Captain Fishback is raising...which is why Captain Fishback has written his letter to Senator McCain...

In fact...it is likely making such an inquiry very difficult...since it leads soldiers to clam up...and to not talk openly and honestly about what has taken place...

As Captain Fishback attempts -- in this very thoughtful letter -- to both raise standards for future engagements...and to not sell out anyone involved...

I would suggest that we heed the concern of this man risking his own life for this cause...much more than the more pedestrian concerns of the Post and Andrew Sullivan to get retribution for ambiguous interrogation techniques...especially if we want the folks involved to face the overly aggressive way that those interrogations have taken place...rather than dig their heels in that nothing needs to improve...

100 times more good will be done by the thoughtful engagement of Captain Fishback on this matter than all the carping in the press...

And I, for one, very much appreciate Captain Fishback's sincere effort to deal with the confusion around this issue with compassion...rather than with retribution...

And I'm completely convinced that such an approach is far more likely to prevent such abuse in the future -- and lead those involved to face what they've done and take responsibility for it -- than any of the criminal trials that have taken place, thusfar...

Thank you, Captain Fishback...for your service...your courage...your compassion...and your thoughtfulness...through this very difficult episode in America history...

Love,
Ben

The blame game..."the rules"...and growing up...

Had a great day, today:):)...taking care of holds on campus to get transcripts to schools for teaching positions:):)...

Talked with this really sweet KU library circulation girl who is studying social work and wants to do inner city work:):)...

Had a really nice talk with my neighbor, Jesse, about policy and thinking and their importance in the world:):)...Jesse didn't finish high school...but he seems to be taking a serious interest in both...which is good, I think...I hope he'll end up getting that diploma or that G.E.D. and going onto college, someday:):)...

Stopped by the Natural History Museum, while I was on campus:):)...they have a new bug exhibit...that I didn't end up visiting...I was so hungry that I had to leave earlier than I would have liked and grab a bite at the Kansas Union, for old times sakes:):)...so the bugs will have to wait:):)...

While I was eating...I was watching CNN coverage in the Union on the indictment of Tom Delay...which is really kind of bullshit, really, I think...I'm all for money not having so much influence over politics...but I just don't this is the way to do it...and both parties and a million folks are guilty of the exact same thing that Tom was just indicted for...including a lot of Kansas state Democrats and likely Republicans and Democrats in every state, where the national parties regularly donate money illegally to state parties...Tom's just the asshole who they decided to prosecute for Washington's open not-so-secret...

Tom Delay has been one of if not the biggest bully in Washington politics, during his tenure...so I won't cry that he is stepping down from his leadership post...but something is rotten in the state of Denmark, right now...and it's not just Republicans...

And I was commenting to Melissa and Jesse, tonight, about the total contrast:):):)...

Of spending the day communing with greatness...and reflecting on all of our capacity for greatness...

And then witnessing the absolute mess and ugliness that is Washington D.C. and the national press corps, these days...

3 of the 8 headlines on Yahoo's round-up of news, tonight, read:

FEMA under fire again, now for Rita effort
FEMA's Brown was warned early of shortages
Mohamed Atta known to Pentagon before 9/11

And the headline that seemed missing was:

People of the world need to grow and accept that tragedy happens...

I didn't see that one...but goddamn if we need it, right now...

The blame games are so useless...and petty...and both distract and rob of us of energy and attention that is necessary to do whatever we can to prevent such tragedies in the future...

To the best of our abilities...

That's the important qualifier...

To the best of our abilities...

Because that's the best that we can do...ever...

That's it...

There's nothing more to it...

Our best...is our best...

And it will fall short as long as it does...

But this kind of bullshit carping and 20-20 hindsight does no good for anyone...anywhere...for anything...

It's just lingering bitterness...

And a failure of people to both accept that life doesn't always work out...

And to finally grow up...

And deal with the tragedy that is a part of life...

Rather than dwelling in it...

And distracting us from important efforts to help prevent such things in the future...

I picked up a copy of a list of banned books for 2004-05...

To Kill a Mockingbird made the list...

So did Huckleberry Finn...

As did Of Mice and Men...

But, hey...those are just the rules, huh?...pass a rule that bans a book...nothing we can but just obey the rule, right?...

Are we all ready to give up the bullshit, I wonder?...

You know what these last two things have in common...

The total dysfunctional mess that is contemporary politics...its blaming...its self-righteousness...its open hypocrisy...its ugliness?

And rules that ban books that offend people?

They both result from a fundamental unwillingness of folks...

To grow up...

To deal with a world that scares them...

And brings pain their way...

And which involves tragedy...

And where people talk and write and do things they don't like...

And where they feel like they have no control...

Because you know what?...

We don't have control...

And one the most important features of a more genuine responsibility...and the freedom that it requires...

Is to acknowledge that...

And come to terms with it...

And stop fantasizing of a world without tragedy and pain and fear and things we don't like to hear and read and experience...

And to start coming to terms with the world as it is...

And to be more constructive and authentically responsible in dealing with all of these thihgs:):)...

Dar has this really awesome song called The Babysitter Song...

Where she sings about this really great hippy babysitter she had as a kid:)...

It's very sweet:):)...and romantic:):)...

And that's symbolizes the problem, I think, with humanity...

We all have this childhood fantasy about life...

This romantic notion that we will always be protected...

That nothing bad will ever happen...

That life will always be safe...

And then...when it's not...

It engenders in us this equally dark cynicism...to match our disappointment that our romantic version of a world without pain and fear and tragedy didn't materialize...

But that world has never existed...

And never will...

Never...

And the problem that so many people seem to be having right now...

Is coming to terms with that...

To genuinely accepting that reality...

Rather than resisting it...

And fighting it...

And doing everything they can to avoid it...

When it just really can't be avoided, entirely...

We can prepare better for it...

We can support one another, better, through it...and with it...

We can get better over time dealing with it...constructively...including dealing with the pain that will inevitably come our way...for the rest of our lives...as long as we live:):)...

But we can't avoid it entirely...

And that is just a reality of life that people just need to come to terms with, better, I think...

And in the meantime...

Our failure to do so...

Slows all of us, down...

All of us...

It impairs our ability to constructively deal with tragedies when they come...

It clouds our vision as we encounter new challenges...

And it sits on our hearts...and pains us and those around us...

Until we face it...come to terms with it...let it go...and move on to a better day:):)...

Cynicism, you see...is not realism...

It's romanticism gone awry...

Cynicism is the persistent nagging disappointment...

That life didn't turn out the way we wanted it to...

And you know what?...

It doesn't...

And it won't...

Ever...completely...

But it can still be good...and great...and better...

Even as it falls short of all of our ideals...

And a more authentic idealism can replace it...

One that accepts those realities...

Comes to terms with them...

And develops new ideals...in the face of new realities:):)...

That's why I'm so glad I chose to study policy:):):)....and social sciences:):):)...

Because their nature...

Is to understand realities...

And to develop better ideas for facilitating better realities given more fundamental realities of life and our humanity:):):)...

It's so funny:):):)...

I heard so many people talk about social sciences...when I was in school:):):)...like they were some kind of squishy world of opinions and opines:):):)...like just a step above astrology:):):)...

And I've now gotten to a point in my life:):):)...

Where I realize that...they really embodied some of the most important and most profound reflections on life and humanity:):):)...

And I'm SO GLAD that I studied them:):):)...

To prepare for a time just like this one:):):)...

When the world just seems like it's kind of gone temporarily insane:):):)...

Trying...and failing...to come terms with all the tragedy that life...sadly...too often brings us...

Have you ever heard Dar Williams' Better Things?:):):)...

That's the theme of the song:):)...

That...sadly...bad things happen in life:):):)...

And...as Dar sings in the chorus:):):)...

"I hope tomorrow you'll find better things":):):)...

When I was at school, today:):)...I thought about how young everyone seemed:):):)...

And how that means that I'm getting old:):):)...

It was a chance to reflect on the inevitability of death:):)...

And how happy I am that I chose a life where I would do everything I can to do good for the world...as my parents quoted George Bernard Shaw as saying at their wedding:):):)...

"This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of Nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy."

George Bernard Shaw,
Man and Superman, Epistle Dedicatory
Irish dramatist & socialist (1856 - 1950)

Why would you choose any other life, I wonder...

No matter what you do...

Load garage doors...

Code medical insurance...

Do business development for a local non-profit...

Take calls for school technology initiatives...

Serve your country...

Teach...

Why would you live your life any other way?...

Than to do everything you can to live a great life...

To help others...

To love others...

And...out of that...

To love yourself fully...

And to love your life...

Why would any of us live any different life, I wonder?:):):)...

I have no clue, to tell you the truth:):):)...

I've got to take a shower and get to bed:):):)...

I hope everyone has a great day, tomorrow:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Heading for higher ground...where there's room for all of us...

I was just having a conversation with a friend about an issue I was having with a sister of mine...

And we got to a point in the conversation that was an important one for me...

How do we know who "good people" are?...

Now...obviously...we all have a sense of who good people are...by their outlooks...by their deeds...by their words...

But that's not quite what is the important part of the conversation for me...

The important part of the conversation is...

That so many of us...most of us...have this conversation like the point of it is to belong to a club...and to figure out who to exclude from the club...

It's an attitude that causes so many problems in the world, I can hardly name them all...

It's a variation on the ugly theme of which is the right religion?...which is the right country?...which is the right race?...which is the right way to live?...

And while I definitely think there are better ways to live and worst ways to live...

One of the worse ways to live...in my book, at least...and I think, period...

Is to spend one's life trying to figure out who to expel from the exclusive club of "good people"...

It just stinks of self-righteousness and a futile attempt to control people and to generally try to position oneself in an ugly game of life where the person playing it is the good person...and where whomever they decide is bad...

And the irony to me...is that genuinely good people...want as many people in that club as possible...

Jesus...Buddha...Ghandi...King...what all these guys have in common is that they kept opening up doors that others had tried to lock shut on people...

They are not known for their exclusivity...

They are known as great men because they opened those doors to people who were left out...

And yet...it is the persistent habit among people who consider themselves mere mortals...and not Jesus or Buddha...or Ghandi...or King...to petition the world to live down to their standards...

Rather than up...to our highest standards...to be great human beings...rather than settle for mediocrity...

And to believe that everyone...no matter who they are...have the potential to be great human beings...no matter what their past...no matter what their indiscretions...given the choice to aspire to be a better and a great human being...

It's a dirty game, we mere mortals play...we can't be great...but at least we're not as big a shithead as so-and-so...

It's bullshit...and it plays to the lowest common denominator of what it is and can mean to be a great human being...

So many of us know that we should love our neighbor...and friends...and family members...

But we don't really in our hearts...and the road just looks too painful to even try...no matter how many people we hurt in the process...

And as my good friend, Josh, would say...I call bullshit on that...

I say...being a human being is tough work...I'll give you that...but it's work that everyone can do...and everyone needs to do...to share the load...and stop putting our shit off on others because we just don't think we can handle being grown-ups...who keep growing...even when the growth is painful...

I have an issue with a sister, right now, who can't give up the bullshit, right now...I have a mother who plays the same game, regularly...and I just can't stand how it tears my family apart...

And I just can't stand how it tears the family of humanity apart...

And I call bullshit...

I say...I understand that the road sometimes seems long and painful, at times...and we'll take breaks as you need them...

But then...we put our packs back on...and we keep traveling...and sometimes its painful...and that kind of pain is good for you...and its good for everyone else around you...who has to put up with you as long as you put it off...

Those guys I mentioned are considered great men...because they were the strongest...and we all need to both strive to be that strong...and to give up the bullshit when we choose not to be...or we feel like we just can't be, in the moment...

And if we can't...we don't deserve to constantly lick our wounds...and have other lick them too...just because we can't learn to grow up...and deal with the reality of being alive...

Which is that life involves getting hurt...and there is no way around that...period...

We try to hurt each other less...but there is no life without pain...period...

And self-righteous assertions that we are the good people...or at least the not-so-bad people...so that we can feel self-assured that we've excluded the really bad people...which is different from dealing constructively with people who do real harm to us and to others...

Those assertions are meaningless...

Because the truth is...

Humanity cannot sustain itself or one another...on bitterness...and self-righteousness...and emotional blackmail...and control...and other various kinds of ugliness...

We cannot function very effectively, at all, that way...

And we would function a hell of a lot better the more we come to terms with how shitty we are to one another...and how much better we could be...if we would face that pain and bitterness and ugliness...

And leave it behind...

It's the most important challenge that humanity has in front of it, right now...by my lights...which is why I work so hard at trying to make and keep us aware of it...

Until we let go that sad legacy of our inhumanity toward one another...

And to live up to our highest ideals...

Rather than constantly bottoming out to our lowest, basest instincts...

And one of those lowest instincts...is trying to figure out which club to belong to that has all the good people in it...and which groups or individuals to exclude from that club because we just don't have what it takes to really include everyone in the human family...largely because we just don't have what it takes to face what shitheads we are, much of the time...

Politics is one of the obvious versions of this really...

Take your pick of which team is good and which team is bad...

Those big bad Democrats are looking to make you conform to every last foolish politically-correct standard they can find...and to punish the shit out of you, if you won't comform...and steal your hard-earned money...and to spend it on whomever they pull out of the sewer...

And those big bad Republicans are looking to make you love Jesus...and be a good Christian, whether you like it or not...all the while justifying every terrible thing that every millionaire does to win their millions...and to take you to war...whether you like it or not...

There's truth in both of those pictures of Republicans and Democrats, of course...

But not only are they not the whole picture of the people behind those characatures...

They don't at all do justice to the greatness that is embodied in the best ideas amongst Democrats and Republicans...liberals and conservatives...your team and their team...and for a lot of Americans...those two teams that never seem to stop fighting one another about who is good and who is bad...

Conservative and liberal ideas that embody the best that our highest ideals...of freedom...and decency...and generosity...and equity...and love...and compassion...and humanity...has to offer...

Modern political science was developed amidst a similarly but far darker time in our history...

Thomas Hobbes watched as Protestants and Catholics destroyed much of Great Britain in religious wars to decide who was right...and who was wrong...who was good...and who was bad...

And like today...the truth was...

They were all just a bunch of goddamned fools...

And...

Decent people who had the capacity and whose progeny eventually grew into some of the most decent that humanity has ever had to offer...

Hobbes wrote his Leviathan as an effort to understand and give some kind of positive explanation for political power that didn't have to rest on these traditional claims of who were the good citizens of Great Britain...and who were bad...

And that instead argued for political power based on reason...rather than on the bitter claims of opposing factions in British society...

Our current political moment features similar such bitter claims among rivaling factions...both convinced of their goodness...and of the intent of their opposition to derail all that is good in the society...

And like our historical analogues...

We are all just a bunch of goddamn fools...

Not just for playing politics this way...

But for playing life this way...

And it is a life that leaves us all stuck in our own sad, bitter, darker world, as a consequence...

A world where the light that shows the way forward...

Involves qualities of our humanity that we too often think of as weakness...so lost are we in our distorted and dark visions of the world...

Love...compassion...forgiveness...generosity...
decency...humanity...equity...democracy...

Freedom...

And a construtive vision of how the world is improved for our presence in it...

All of us...each and every one of us...

No matter who we are...what we've done or not done in our past...

And no matter what bullshit games we play to avoid being the better people that will get us to higher ground...

We will always have to come back to this path...to do better...to be better...and not just whine and carp and bemoan the fact that we just haven't made it to higher ground, yet...

Because that is where the higher ground is...

No matter how long we languish in the low country...

And the high country has room for all of us...

It is not exlusive...

Because it has no need to be...

And until we make the effort to travel in that direction...

We will continue to live the lives of quiet desperation...and today...not-so-quiet-desperation...that Thoreau wrote about more than a century ago...

And I call bullshit on that...

I say we all take the challening but important steps...

To grow up...as a human family...

And to head for higher ground...

Where there's room for all us...

Every single last one of us...as much as it is literally humanly possible for us to offer that up...

And to stop settling for mediocrity on this one...

Because this one...our humanity...is more important than any of the other bullshit that we engage in with in our lives...

Because...when it comes down to it...

It's the only one that really matters...

And we'll be a lot better for it, ultimately...the better we deal with it...

And everything else that we discuss...and debate...and dialogue about...and deal with, generally...

Are all a function of this one...

And they won't be resolved...

Until we deal with this one...not really...

Ever...

And I want us to look for higher ground...

Rather than trying to make do in the swamplands...

And too much of where we at...humanity, that is...is stuck in the swamp, right now...

And the higher ground...has room for all of us...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben