The truth...

I hesitate to write this entry after that last one...because I want people's help making the case against least possible necessary aggression...and I want people to see that I'm genuine in my efforts to come at the best/right answers...that I'm not some liberal activist looking to prove myself right...or some radical looking to manipulate the process...

That fundamentally...I am...genuinely...someone who wants to make the world better...and will really do just about anything to make it better...for real...no bullshit...no political agenda (that's not honestly about making things better, at least)...sometimes I think that I'm the only one who will know how genuinely I come to that conversation...

But you want to know the truth?...

After all the study...and all the effort...and all the really goddamn hard work...

You want to know the truth?...

The truth is...

I don't know...

I don't know what, exactly, will make the world better...

I hope I'm onto something...

But I really could be totally full of shit...

I hope not...because I already feel like a fool enough to not have to deal with that one, too...though...if it turned out to be the case...I'd deal with that one, too...

But the truth is...

I don't know...

I hope...and I try...and I think...and I try...and I hope...and I try...and I think...and I try...and I don't exactly know the order on all that...

I really don't know...

I just know that I trust my heart...that things can be better...even if I don't know exactly how they can be...

I just know that when I hear Louis Armstrong say the intro to the 1970 taping of What a Wonderful World...when he says...

"Some of you young folks been saying to me...hey, Pops...what you mean, what a wonderful world?...how about all them wars all over the place...you call them wonderful...and how about hunger and pollution...they ain't so wonderful either...

Well how about listening to old Pops, for a minute...it seems to me, it ain't the world that's so bad...but what we're doing to it...

And all I'm saying is see what a wonderful world it would be if only we'd give it a chance...love, baby, love...that's the secret...yeah...

If lots more of us loved each other...we'd solve lots more problems...

And, man...this world would be Odessa...

That's why old Pops keeps saying,

'I see trees of green
Red roses, too
I see them bloom
For me and you
And I think to myself
What a wonderful world"

That when he says that...

I trust that...

I'm sure Louis was never some closet policy expert...I always assumed from that song...and because of my own biases as a liberal, I think...that Louis was a liberal...from that song...

But the truth is...today...I don't know any more...

If by liberal...you mean...someone who loves everyone (or most everyone, I suppose, for most folks)...and who believes in the power of the individual to take on any challenge...and to conquer it...

Someone who believes in freedom...and treating all people with respect...and understanding...

Then...I'd totally agree...I would say that's what Louis is being in that song...

But that kind of liberal...a "small l" liberal...a classical liberal...and freedom-loving liberal...a grown-up liberal...

Well, that can be just about anyone...

Conservatives are those kinds of liberals...

Liberals are those kinds of liberals (who we conventionally think of as liberals in contemporary political discussions)...

Radicals of every stripe can be those kinds of liberals, if they choose...

Anyone can, really...

But if you mean...a Democrat...or a campaign finance reform activist...or any other many different versions of liberal in a more conventional sense...

I don't really know, anymore...

Because that song...I hope...is one that everyone can identify with...

And the truth is...

Though I have this inner confidence that I might be right on this question...for whatever spiritual/ethereal reasons...

In an empirical way...I'm really not sure...

I wish I were...

I think it's right...

But I really don't know...

And I'm setting out to genuinely see where and whether they might or might not be right or wrong...with as fair and generous an effort to prove these ideas wrong, as much as possible...

Because...it really is more important to understand something...better...

Than it is to defend my opinions...about anything...

I just know that I genuinely care about doing the right thing...

And the right thing...I think...for me...and for everyone else that I presumably want to work on issues in behalf of...

Is to get to the right answers...to the best answers...to get it right...

And everything else just seems...like a less than honest effort...

On the one hand...

I live my life...like these principles are true...though I have no clue whether that's best for me or everyone else or not...

I hope so...

Other than being close to the ones I love...

It's my fondest hope in the world...

But I am more than prepared to give it up...if I'm wrong...

Because getting it right...is more important than being right...

You know what I mean?...

Getting to the best answers to lifes' most difficult matters...

Is more important than defending some fleeting self-righteous pose that I know more than I really know...

And I would just as soon be wrong...than to spend my life defending ideas that I've never really questioned...

That's the truth...

That and that I love my friends, all of them, and family more than I do any of this bullshit...

Politics is a passion for me...

But it is not my central passion...

People are my central passion...

I like them...

I want to do right by them...

I want to make things better for them...

I want their's and my life to be better...

Especially the people closest to me...

But everyone, really...

And I don't know if these ideas are the best way there...

I think they may be...

I live my life that way...

But I may be wrong...

That's all life is, I think...not really knowing...just making better guesses...

That's much of the reason why I think we should be more decent with one another...

Because...really...we're all just making our own best guesses...we're all just human...really...we're all just doing out best...really...no bullshit...that's all she wrote...

I miss my friends...

I got one who spends every ounce of her being to avoid me, right now...I imagine trying to get things figured out for herself...

And I have a whole crew of friends that I haven't been hanging with, for awhile now...trying to get all this stuff figured out for myself, better...

And I miss 'em all...and I need to get around to seeing my crew, at least...and cut out this bullshit...and just hang...and be friends, again...

This has been one crazy adventure...this life of mine...

I do wish it were easier to navigate...most of the time...

I wish we had more answers than we do...

That life played itself out more cleanly than it does...

But it doesn't...

We do as well as we do...

And that's it...

We do our best...

And that's it...

There is no better...

There's our best...and that's it...

You know...the truth is...

More than anything else...including saving the world...

I just want to have my friends back in my life...

All of them...

Jas...Dolly...Blick...Dave...and the rest of the crew...

Brandi...and Greg...if that were ever to be possible...

Jeannie...Tom...Wayne...all the rest of my professors and fellow grad students at KU...

And I want to see my family, again, as soon as possible...Thanksgiving is coming up...we haven't been together, as a family...all of us...in quite a long time, now...

I don't know if anyone will quite understand what a crazy adventure these last 3 or 4 years of my life have been...

I wish I would have started this blog in the months after Brandi and I broke up...

Now that would have been a study of a man in pain...and the story of how I fell in love with country music:):)...

I'll have to tell that story sometime...if I haven't already...

I've been saying, lately, that memories are like life's greatest hits...all played when you want them...

And sometimes I just wish that life's greatest hits could play, more, like they do on Melissa's Windows Media Player on her computer which she has so generously let me use while I search for teaching jobs...

That I could just play them...and really live them again...the really good ones...the ones that seem so distant the further away the people involved are in the present...

I have this one...that's got to annoy the fuck out of Brandi if she ever thinks about it...

Brandi could not stand the fact that I was so into politics...she felt like it consumed me...she felt like it was an obsession with me, I think...she just didn't understand that outside of her...and being a great dad...and being a great teacher...and a decent guy...that it was my great passion in life...

Brandi and I went away for a weekend to her family's cabin...and we took all these crazy political magazines and books with us...my idea, I think...

Brandi and Greg have a cabin, these days, I'm told...and something tells me that Brandi does not take along political magazines on trips where she is trying to escape the pressures of life...not enjoin them...as I made Brandi do on this trip...and in so many political conversations and adventures that we had against her will:):)...I'm exaggerating, of course...Brandi loved politics...just not quite as enthusiastically as I did...at the end, at least:)...

And we took these crazy magazines with us...and we talked politics the whole time...and made love all weekend...and cooked...and had candlelight...and flowers...as always...

I'd like to have that memory back...just for a little bit...to remember what it was like...just having a passion for politics...and being in love...and feeling totally un-self-conscious about either...

Just sharing a friendship...and a love...and a passion for making the world better...

And not caring whether Brandi liked it or not that I like that memory...

Just having it...

And I want to start making memories like that again...

There's this girl at work...of course there always is...but she seems nice:):)...nicer than most:)...I barely know her:):):)...but maybe:):):)...you know?:):):)...

Alright...it is way late...I should get some sleep before work tomorrow...

I just wanted to say all that...all that rambling:):)...

Hope everyone has a good day, tomorrow:):)...I'm going to be dragging ass, I'm sure:):)...

Talk with everyone soon, I hope:):)...

Love,
Ben

Another excellent challenge to the principles of least possible necessary aggression...

The Associated Press has an excellent story, via Yahoo, on the thankful decline in the murder rate last year, a 40 year low...

Murder rate hits 40-year-low...

It's great news, of course, for anyone concerned with murder and serious violent crime...rapes, unfortunately are up...though the thirty year trend is downward, thankfully...as are the report rates for rapes...

The biggest drops occurred in two cities, in particular...Chicago...by 150 murders...and Washington, D.C...by 50 murders...

"Of 19 large cities with more than 100 murders apiece in 2003, 13 had declines in 2004 while six recorded increases, Blumstein said."

Blumstein being Professor Alfred Blumstein of Carnegie-Mellon University in Pittsburgh...

Local trends, argues, Professor Blumstein, have driven the decreases...rather than national trends...

Professor Blumstein outlines many important local trends...including an ingenious effort in Chicago to infiltrate known gangs with ex-offenders to gain intelligence on current activities...

But there is one very important national and local/state trend, in Chicago and Washington D.C., that is parallel to a national trend...

Illinois and Washington D.C. have no death penalty...Illinois just recently abolished their death penalty...I am still researching how recently Washington D.C. eliminated the death penalty...and nationally, the use of the death penalty has also decreased...

Bureau of Justice statistics...capital punishment...

The long-term correlation between 40 year low murder rate and the decrease in the use of death penalty in the last three years would seem both positive trends to death penalty opponents...

But the overall statistical picture is much more complicated than that...

I've always consulted the numbers reported by death penalty opponents like myself (since this is one issue that I've felt a particularly strong moral cause in, as much and sometimes more than as a policy matter...a good reason to doubt my feelings on the matter, frankly, as a policy matter...though the moral reasons I think are pretty compelling, obviously)...

That states without the death penalty had lower murder rates than states with the death penalty...

Deathpenaltyinfo.com

(Just an aside...if there were ever a case for federalism on any matter of criminal justice...death penalty seems to be that case)

But then I came across these numbers...
Bureau of Justice Statistics...death row...

The absolute number of murders, for instance was lowest in 1999, with an overal number of murders at 15,522...which also happens to be the year of the highest number of executions, at 95...a number that seems to support the case for the death penalty decreasing the number of murders...as do the numbers for the following three years after 1999, when the murder rate increased, as the use of the death penalty increased...similarly, the number of death sentences decreased between 2000 and 2002...the overall numbers for the last thirty years are all over the place...though the 30 year trend is murders down...death sentences up...the use of the death penalty up -- and since this is the most significant challenge to these ideas...as well as the cases for gun and drug control indirectly alluded to by the Chicago officials and academics cited in the article...

"Chicago officials and academics have credited that city's murder decline to police targeting of gangs, drugs and guns."

Since this case -- that the death penalty, gun laws and enforcement and drug laws and enforcement are responsible for the decrease in the murder rate and violent crime rate, other than rape, in the last 30 years -- is one of the strongest cases against the principles of least possible necessary aggression -- since they would use aggression/force when I, at least, would not predict them to be most useful -- this is a case that I want to spend a lot of time with...

Now...to leave room for the many critics and detractors of these principles or variations and/or applications thereof by folks I've encountered since I've started working on them...

There are many permutations on that case that could still serve as pretty convincing proof that I am wrong...

The death penalty alone could serve as a case against these principles...as could gun laws...as could drug laws...as could variations between them...gun laws and drug laws, but not the death penalty...the death penalty and drug laws, for conservatives who support drug laws, but not gun laws...the death penalty and gun laws, for liberals who favor the death penalty, but not drug laws...gun laws and drug laws, for various death penalty opponents, but not the death penalty...and a million variations of a million other laws that might have significant influence on the rate of murders and/or violent crime...

So...there is a very good case to be made that I am wrong...

And goddamnit...I am bound and determined to make that case...

Isn't science great?:):)...

Facts are more important than opinions:):):)...

That's why I love it:):):)...

I'll keep working on it:):)...

Maybe others might work on it, too?:):):)...

Had a great day, again, by the way:):)...I love this job, on the whole:):):)...much more freedom and independence to use my own judgment (tempered by the experience of the folks I work for and with, of course) and do my job:):):)...

But it may turn out to just be my own fetish for freedom...or maybe, and much more likely, if I turn out to be wrong...something I'm still not seeing altogether:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Feeling shitty...

I've been sick last night and all day today...diarrhea that turned into a really bad stomach ache...flu...virus...I don't know...I just know it's had me out all day today...

I'm feeling better so I can go back to work tomorrow, hopefully...

Also made some peace, today, which various pressures -- financial, especially -- that different folks have tried to apply with me...

I just don't care any more...I can only do my best...and if that turns out to not be enough...then so be it...

I'm not going to live the rest of my life afraid of what pressures -- financial and otherwise -- that people are going to put on me...I'm learning to just ignore them...and do my best...and get away from folks who play that way with me, from now on...until they can learn to play nice...and if they can't learn to play nice...then I'll just avoid them altogether...

Playing on folks' cowardice and insecurities is no way to run a country...or a world...or a business...or a school...or a family...or whatever...

It is a way to alienate people...and to lose peoples' trust...which I've had to learn the hard way...as much as internalizing the principle, today...

So that was really good...learning to tell folks to fuck off...until they can learn to play nice...and not being terribly upset about it, any more, in the meantime...

Before I was always concerned with how others reacted...

And now I just don't care...

If I trust you, I'll be more honest with you...

And if I don't, I won't...

And that's really the saddest tragedy of all, I think...

People who have no clue how others think about them...

Because they've scared everyone out of telling them...

And that is it's own worst punishment, I think...

Or people who spend their whole lives afraid of what others think about them...that's almost more pathetic, I think:):)...

I've met people like this...I have many friends who live like that...and I can't possibly imagine living like that...it's just such a sad, pathetic way to live...it's a life of no self-respect...either way...

And dealing with how people think and feel about you honestly is a painful way to live, sometimes...but it's the kind of pain that's good for you...and trying to avoid it all the time is a recipe for a sad life that just isn't real...but noone cares about you enough to tell you that...

I'm gonna try to sleep...and get over this stomach flu or whatever it is that I have...and hopefully be able to work in the morning:):)...

Have a good day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I've been tagged...

I guess I've been tagged...

If you haven't checked out Army Girl's blog, I definitely recommend it...she's being stationed soon...and she's definitely a blog to check out...

Seven things I want to do before I die:
1. Teach
2. Write...several books...
3. Tell the people in my life how much I love them and how proud I am of them, even for the little stuff
4. Make progress on the whole gambit of social and political problems in the world...and contribute my ideas and efforts to that end...
5. To meet one other person, at least...a woman, preferably...who cares more about doing good...than looking good...for real...
6. To fall in love with that woman...and to have a family...and to hope for the best for a world that's always looking for the worst...
7. Persuade folks to treat each other better

Seven things I can do:
1. Teach
2. Write
3. Think 12 moves ahead when most folks see two feet in front of them
4. Identify with and love just about anyone
5. Deal with pain
6. Take responsibility
7. Be realistic...and honest about realities...even and especially uncomfortable ones...

Seven things I cannot do:
1. Play the guitar...or drums...or any instrument, really:)...except for sing...which I'm pretty good at, really:)...
2. Do surgery or practice medicine of any kind
3. Hate or act indifferently toward others
4. Cheat...or intentionally break anyone's heart in any way...
5. Be self-centered
6. Be self-righteous
7. Pretend...when the stakes are too high...

Seven things I say a lot:
1. Bullshit
2. Love
3. Right on
4. Dumbass
5. I'm sorry/my fault
6. Fuck off
7. Good idea/nice thinking

Seven things I find attractive in a female (in no particular order)

1. Someone who loves everyone
2. Sweetness
3. Vulnerability
4. Intelligence
5. Forgiveness
6. Compassion
7. Wisdom

...or a genuine pursuit of any and all of these:)...

Seven celebrity crushes?

1. Katherine Hepburn
2. Meg Ryan (especially her When Harry Met Sally/ Joe vs. the Volcano era)
3. Julianne Moore
4. Sigourney Weaver
5. Hope Davis
6. Dar Williams
7. Natalie Maines, Emily Robinson, and Marty Maguire

Seven people who I'll burden with this tag, but are under no obligation (in no particular order):

1. Living Without a Clue
2. Kenny
3. Don Benedicto
4. Melissa
5. Bigandmean... at Relatively Unbalanced
6. Dean Mundy...Thoughtful Conservative...
7. Rose...at Anonymous Rowhouse
8. Dave...aka Billybeanbag...
9. Jade
10. Nikki...xpunkrockmomx...

Tag...you're it...

And check out Dean's excellent editorial on gun control -- A lesson from the Third World about the value of gun control...when you get a chance:)...

Love,
Ben

So much:):):)...

I had so many ideas to blog on today:):)...

My high school forensics coach and drama teacher, Conrad Jestmore...who had this really amazing impact on my life that I wonder if he'll ever know how much I appreciate his guidance...

And my good friend and forensics colleague, Brian White, who I was imagining as a new generation of teacher similar to and hopefully improving on the example of Conrad Jestmore:)...

I need to elaborate on the problem that gun and drug laws -- and other laws, as well -- pose to law enforcement on more serious violent crime...how -- very much like prohibition laws -- they inadvertantly support the "no snitch" environment that supports violent crime...since good, decent, and generally law-abiding citizens -- who, totally justifiably, in my humble opinion, do not want harm come to loved ones around more minor criminal offenses -- also end up rationalizing protecting folks who commit more serious and violent criminal offenses...a situation that has contributed enormously to the problem around unresolved murders and violent crimes in Kansas City...and that could be resolved, better, with less fear from folks that their cooperation with law enforcement would result in arrests of their loved ones for more minor issues...

And the article in the USA Today I picked up after work that caught my attention was about the CIA's planned efforts to improve the reliability of intelligence:):):)...which included their decision to stop trying to boss the Pentagon and FBI around when it comes to intelligence issues (doesn't the forethought on that one just make you want to cry, it's so touching:):):)...which is so laughable I spent the entire car ride back making fun of what macho dumbasses the CIA is that they can't just learn to trust one another and other law enforcement agencies, better, collaborate better...to flatten their organizations...to shorten the length of time that it takes for reports of intelligence to reach higher ups...to open up the various intelligence gathering arms of various military, law enforcement, and intelligence organizations to increase the number of intelligence reports, and thus increasing the chances of independent verification, which is the substantive way to increase reliability of intelligence...for those not primarily concerned with window-dressing and dealing with what controlling, cynical, macho dumbasses they are...as this pathetic little reform reflects:):):)...

Memo to Porter Goss...thanks for the reform:):)...and you need to start reading some of Paul Light's brilliant work to figure out how to improve intelligence gathering...you're a political appointee, Porter...not an intelligence or government expert...Paul is both...and he's brilliant...and his reforms -- many of which I just outlined in the above paragraph -- are ones you need to start seriously thinking about if your genuine concern is improving the reliability of intelligence...and not just the pathetically small goal of not pissing off the FBI and the Pentagon any more:):):)...

So many things I thought about blogging about, today:):)...

I've got a shower to take after a long day of lawn-mowing:):)...and some applications to work on:):)...but if I have a chance:):)...I might come back to some of these:):)...

I hope everyone is having a great day:):)...mine has been outstanding:):)...thanks for asking:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

What I love:):)...and why so much of the world seems so fundamentally distorted:):):)...

I picked up a bunch of books from the Lawrence Public Library book sale last week...the last day, they were giving away stuff for free:):)...so I have a couple boxes full of really great books, right now:):)...

I picked up a bunch of Cliffs Notes...they had a ton of them:):)...and after reading the Cliff Notes for Beowulf at Melissa's apartment the other night while were hanging out, talking:)...I realized how great Cliff's Notes can be:):)...

If you're not familiar with Beowulf:):)...it's one of the oldest known poems in the English language (Old English) that we still have a reasonably complete text of:):)...all I can remember is that it is the story of a hero who defeats a dragon named Grendel:):)...and protects the lives of the Danes whose lives were threatened by the dragon:):)...

I can only remember that much because the book/poem, itself, is almost impossibly unreadable:):)...because the language is so archane:):)...and it is the best case for Cliff Notes of any of the books I have ever read or attempted to read in the English language:):):)...

So:):):)...that's my long justification for why I have like 25 or 30 copies of Cliffs Notes in my living room, right now:):):)...

So:):):)...

I'm flipping through the Cliffs Notes:):)...in search among my new exciting literary finds (if I can reach to call them that:):)...of a book that I've always wanted to know more about:):)...but was too daunted by the actual text:):):)...

And so I came upon B.F. Skinner's Walden Two:):):)...

Now...I've never read Skinner's Walden Two...because...despite all the really great things about Skinner's theorizing...his identification of the principles of operant conditioning...and, thus, the foundations of behaviorism in psychology...

For the most part...B.F. Skinner...is a wanker:):)...

I don't mean he's not brilliant:):):)...he is:):):):)...definitely:):):)...

But he's also kind of a wanker:):):)...

And Walden Two really kind of sums up why B.F. Skinner is a wanker:):):)...

Walden Two is Skinner's narrative/argument for a utopia of tight regulation of peoples' lives...to guarantee a world where everyone does what Skinner wants:):):) (can we say, control issue?:):):)...

And what is so fundamentally wrong with the title of Skinner's book:):):)...

Is that it is this profound distortion of the meaning and purpose behind it's namesake:):):)...

This really beautiful, amazing, inspiring book that I spent several nights awake reading my junior year of high school:):):)...

Walden:):):)...by Henry David Thoreau:):):)...

Which is this really great book...about how Henry David Thoreau...in mid-nineteenth century New England...left his comfortable New England life...to go survive off the land of Walden Pond...communing with nature...and seeking spiritual growth...of his own free will...

Walden Two, on the other hand, theorizes a utopian society of regulated life to avoid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, as Hamlet might put it:):)...

The Cliffs Notes author (I know...I know...this whole analysis is a total cheat since I haven't actually read Walden Two, yet...I'm reading the Cliffs Notes to work myself up to read a book that I'm not that terribly thrilled about, given it's basic premise:):):)...and this was how I made it through Zenobia Washington's AP English class:):):)...bluffing:):):)...if you don't believe me:):)...ask my best friend my senior year of high school and still one of my best friends in the entire world, Angela Largent:):):)...it simultaneously impressed Angela and pissed her off so bad at me:):):)LOL:):):)...

OK...so...back to the story:):)...

So...the author of the Cliffs Notes writes, comparing Thoreau's beautiful account of his journey into the soul...and Skinner's account of a highly regulated utopia...that...

"...Walden ultimately concludes with an emphatic note of optimism and hope in humankind's ability to transcend its self-imposed limitations and fulfill its unmeasured potential for excellence. Walden Two ends with an emphasis on the predictability of human nature and a belief that regulation and control of human nature is necessary to achieve happiness and equality."

...which is like saying that Karl Marx and Adam Smith had a few disagreements:):):)....which is true, of course:):):)...but their disagreements are fundamental differences in how they see the world:):):):):)...not just distinctions that don't make a difference:):):)...

I read Walden my junior year of high school...

And I was so totally taken by it...

This beautiful story...

Of a man who gave up all of his material comforts...

So he could find himself...

It's still one of the most beautiful stories I've ever read in my life...

And Skinner titling his trifling little regulated utopia after Henry David Thoreau's incredible story of self-discovery and freedom of the the soul and of the conscience...

Is just really kind of fucked up...pardon by french, Dr. Skinner...

What Henry David Thoreau wrote in Walden...is what life is supposed to more like, for all of us...not forced on us...but because it's a better life...

Not necessarily the moving into the woods and giving up the material comforts of life:):)...though that has a certain romantic appeal to it, as well:):)...at least for a couple weekends or so:):)...

But the life of self-reflection...of self-discovery...of digging deeply into one's soul...and being the person that one really wants to be...out of a deep sense of self-exploration...not a bankrupt sense of self-centeredness...

It is the deepest experience of freedom that a person can have, I think...

And Thoreau gets inside it so remarkably...that everyone should definitely read this really incredible book at least once in their too short lives:):)...

And that is what is so fundamentally distorted about the democratic world, right now...and the world, generally...

This total confusion between the highest ideals that life has to offer...in the form of the most profound sense of freedom...and self-discovery...and self-governance...and defining of one's own life...that such freedom offers...

And it's opposite...

A world where we try to control and regulate and otherwise limit that freedom...

And all the while pretend that it is the very freedom that we say that we want to expand...

The world is just kind of playing bullshit with itself, right now, rationalizing that fundamental distortion...

And that's what's so wrong with the way that people are thinking about the world...and its problems...and how to deal with those problems...right now...

As George Orwell writes in his dystopia, 1984...slavery is freedom...

And all of us seem to be saying...

Well...yes...but we don't mean complete slavery...that would be going just a bit too far, now don't you think, Ben?:):):)...

Well...of course it would:):):)...dumbasses:):):)...

Because the way forward for humanity...involves freedom...more of it...as much of it as possible, in fact...while still dealing constructively with aggressive situations that threaten our safety with as little aggression in response as possible...

And confusing freedom...with control...

Is like confusing your head with your ass...

That's how different the two are...

And that's how fundamental a distortion Walden Two is of Henry David Thoreau's original personal account...

And that's how fundamental a distortion of humanity's future and progress and potential...

That rationalizing a world of control instead of championing a world of freedom is...

And at this point...I'm with Thoreau...

If everyone wants to live lives of "quiet desperation," as Thoreau referred the fate of most people who never risk to live a life committed to authentic self-discovery and definition...

Then so be it:):):)...

But that's the life I'm gonna live:):):)...

And in the meantime...

Anyone who wants to bullshit themselves that control and bossiness and bullying is the same thing as freedom can do that all they want:):):)...

But there is no way in hell that you're going to convince me of the same:):):)...

Because I am just not that big a dumbass:):):)...to swallow that big line of bullshit:):):)...

You can fuck with many things in this world...

But not Walden...not Henry David Thoreau...

Some things are sacred:):):):):)...

Everyone should have that life...that life of freedom...of self-definition...of self-governance...of self-discovery...

But only few dare to...

The road less taken...

It's the only road I know, I think...

And the only one with a path worth blazing and a destination worth reaching to me...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Have you ever been your own inspiration?...

Have you ever felt totally inspired and idealistic...completely on your own...totally independent of the world around you...

Say...for instance...when the world seems to be sapped of all idealism...so lost is it in rationalizing its own cynicism...

I've felt something like this at two different other times in my life...

Once...when I was in school...high school...college...grad school...doing well in school...searching out wisdom...competing successfully in forensics...working jobs that supported my schooling...and generally chasing dreams...with lots of folks supporting me:):)...

The second time...with someone else...totally in love...chasing idealistic dreams of our own...in school...undergrad...and grad school...but chasing dreams of our own that totally shaped both of our school experiences...that were bigger than school...they were about changing the world:):)...

And now...a third time...but stronger...stronger than I've ever felt it in my life...on my own...living on my own...working a job that has nothing to do with my ultimate aspirations...except as one more opportunity to learn about the great majority of folks...who live without great aspirations in their lives:)...looking for meaningful, purposeful work in a school...doing policy work that I very much hope will change the way people think about the world...about policy...and their government...about their communities...about their lives...

And this third time is especially different...

Because the first two times...I had one thing that wasn't present...that handicaps most folks, I think...and has handicapped me, at times, I must admit...though I think I'm getting over that...

Which is the knowledge that so many people...live such cynical, bankrupt, small-minded lives...and aspire for so little...

In a world...and a life...that has so much to offer...

If only people will extend beyond their immediate grasp...

You what I'm realizing, right now?...

That no matter how great or shitty life seems...

This is the one opportunity that you and I and everyone have...to live big...to do great things...to dream bigger than our current realities afford us...

The difference between this time...and times previous...

Is that I know, now, just how badly life can suck...how low it can sink...how small it can be...through the eyes of folks who only see two feet in front of them...

And I still dare to dream big:):)...

And all those times before...I was supported by all these people...who wanted to believe...in part because I did, I imagine...

And now...with so little support...with so few people rooting for this idea that the world can be safer, more decent, more humane, more thoughtful, wiser...better...

By trusting it and the people in it more...

Rather than bottoming out our every mistrust of those same people and that same world...

I am more idealistic than I was with all their support...

Not less:):):)...

Because goddamn it if I'm gonna let the small visions of the great majority of folks...whether I'm surrounded by people who support me...or not:):)...

Get in the way of my big dreams...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Life ain't fair...

I was kind of getting bogged down, today, in my despair that life just seems like some kind of fucked revenge on smart kids, sometimes...sure seems like it...especially these days...

Rented Life of Brian, again...along with Monty Python's Holy Grail...

It's amazing how much contemporary politics is just one recycled version of yesterday's and yesteryear's:):)...

Brian and Roman soldier after Brian has been caught painting graffiti on a prominent Roman building...and has finished giving Brian a bizarre lesson in Latin grammar, complete with a sword to the throat to punctuate a lesson on the use of the nominative verb form...

Roman soldier: Understand?
Brian: Yes sir...
Roman soldier: Now write that a hundred times...
Brian: Yes sir...thank you, sir...hail Caesar, sir...
Roman soldier: Hail Caesar...and if it's not done by sunrise...I'll cut your balls off...
Brian: Oh, thank you sir...thank you, sir...hail Caesar and everything, sir...

Pretty much sums up my life, at this point...

I thought I'd give it another watch...and try to laugh at what morons we all seem these days...

God knows we need someone to laugh at us all, right now:):):)...

But then...as I thought about it some more...

I realized...

This is really kind of stupid whine...

Life is unfair for everyone...

I'm just getting my taste of it:)...

I just want life to be more fair for everyone...

And I get a little discouraged when it seems unfair...

"Cheer up, Brian...you know what dey say...

Some fings in life aw bad...dey can really make you mad...

Ovver fings just make you swear and curse...

When you're chewing on life's grissul...

Don't grumbul...give a whistle...

And dis'ul help fings turn out fo de best...

And...always look on the bright si-ide of life...(whistles tune)...

Always look on the light side of life...

Cause life's a piece of shit...when you at it...

Life's a laugh and death's a joke, it's true...

You'll see it's all a show...keep 'em laughing as you go...

Just remember that the last laugh is on you...

Always look on the bright side of life" (whistles tune)...

I've instructed all my friends that I want the last 15 minutes of Monty Python's The Life of Brian played at my funeral:):):)...

Yeah...life ain't fair for any of us...we all feel a little cheated inside, I imagine...for something...

I want it to be better...

But this is what we all got, for now...

So we might as well share it, I guess...and enjoy it while we got it:):)...

Ever seen Mr. Roberts?...Henry Fonda...Jack Lemmon...James Cagney?...great movie...kind of captures it...

We're all stuck on this miserable little boat, together...when it's miserable, that is...like we're all making it, right now:):):)...

So we might as well all enjoy our time while we're here:):):)...

Like they say in Mr. Roberts...

What we all need is a little liberty:):):)...you'll have to see it to understand, better:):)...

And that's what I think we all use a little...a lot...more of...

Liberty, that is:):)...

And maybe a little less shit from one another...and a little more support...

Have a good day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S. I talked with my grandma, tonight...she's slowed down, some, with her illness...I know she must be dissappointed...being so active...and having to slow down...but she sounds like she's doing alright...we'll all hope good things for her:)...

Winning Through Intimidation...

I picked up a book at the annual Lawrence Public Library book sale...

It's called Winning Through Intimidation...by Robert Ringer:):):)...

I thought since so many folks had become enamoured with this approach:):):)...

That I should check it out and see why Mr. Ringer has been so unfairly excluded from the classics of modern political theory...

As the tortoise character on the book's cover says,

"Read this book and start winning today"

It sounds like a line right out of the playbook for Democrats today...stolen right out of the playbook of Republicans...

I'll have to ask Dr. Ericson why this wasn't one of the texts in our modern political theory class...

Since it's the main tool of influence in contemporary politics and too much of everyday life, these days...

Dr. Ericson and his ivory tower...

He just doesn't understand how real life works:):):)LOL:):):)...

You know what's really funny?:):):)...

That Robert Ringer and so many people today...think that intimidation is a new idea:):):)...that we just haven't tried sufficiently to deal with important problems in the past:):):)...

Robert published his book the year I was born...1973...

I wonder why we haven't heard from Mr. Ringer in either the scholarly or the popular publishing circles much since?...

Maybe his time has come:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Proud of yourself...no matter the consequences:):)...

You ever felt proud of yourself...and your efforts...of your courage...no matter the consequences?:):):)...

It's a great feeling:):)...I highly recommend it:):):)...

Have a great day everyone:):):)...

P.S. I talked with a good friend from Amarr about shipping on 3rd shift, recently:):)...it doesn't sound good...I guess they're trying to pressure for more productivity again...creating more conflict which just slows everything down, paradoxically...

But it reminded me that I want all the guys at Amarr -- everyone...Ben and John, included...even though we disagree about what will improve productivity there...and I had to get a serious break from all the nonsense that passed for thoughtful policy there:):)LOL:):) -- to know that I really enjoyed working there, on balance:):)...I really like those guys...and love 'em, really...though most of them would get really uncomfortable if I told them that to their faces:):):)LOL:):):)...so I just say it on a blog where only one or two have access so I won't have a truckload of tough guys coming to beat my ass for making such a pussy remark about our time together:):):)LOL:):):)...

And like everything else I do...I know everyone is working in good faith:):)...generally:):)...

I really loved working on a shipping dock...definitely not something I imagined for myself at any point in my life:):)...and I really loved it:):)...and it made an indelible impact on my life:):):)...

Thanks, guys:):)...

Love,
Ben

Falsifiability...as a principle of science...and developing tests for my ideas:)...to prove them wrong:):)...

I was having a conversation, today, on what distinguishes the theory of evolution from theories like intelligent design...

And I got a great idea for the next steps in testing my ideas:)...

The conversation was about what makes science, science...

And a bunch of folks posted on the idea of falsifiability...

Which basically means...that scientific ideas can be demonstrated...and falsified...we can demonstrate scientific ideas are right...and demonstrate that they are wrong...

Empirical standards assume that when we say demonstrate...we mean that we can make clear inferences and interpretations of facts using our senses...sight...sound...taste...smell...touch...

Political science works similarly...though setting up experiments by the most rigorous scientific standards is difficult...because developing clean separation of conditions is terribly difficult in the social world...

Political and social scientists (psychologists especially) aspire...with experiments that seek volunteers to expose themselves to separate conditions that produce as clean a difference between data as possible...

But, generally...those experiments are still subject to fairly heated debates about interpretation of data...

And in political science, especially...debates that are often predicated on policy biases that are really difficult to parse out...

An excellent example of this difficulty in policy debates is the scholarly debate on vouchers...

Paul Peterson, of Harvard University, William Howell, and whole host of others represent a camp of folks who believe in vouchers...and who conduct experiments to try to test their validity...

And Paul Witte, of the University of Wisconsin, Madison, and others are folks who have done analysis of that same data, generally, and come to different conclusions...

And though the same folks have worked with similar data...they have often come at that data with different assumptions about a whole host of complex phenomena -- another very serious complexity with policy questions...there is just so much complexity to social and political phenomena...that even serious policy thinkers and scholars have very serious differences and strong feelings about them:):)...although...as I'm learning...a similar problem exists -- including the strong feelings -- in other scientific circles like biology, physics, and chemistry...

Both of these groups of researchers have had particular interest in a set of data that has been collected from the experiment with publicly-funded private school vouchers engaged by the city of Milwaukee...

And both of them have come to very different conclusions, as you can imagine, based on their different policy positions...and the subsequent assumptions about the data that they've come at the data with:):)...

Paul and his associates have tried to separate out the data...they've looked at results from students with similar backgrounds who have stayed in public schools (one of the very interesting critiques of this analysis of data is that comparisons are made of those who are stable in public schools versus those who choose to use vouchers...rather than those who engage in public school choice versus those who use vouchers)...and those who have taken advantage of the private school vouchers to attend schools both in other public schools (I believe, if I'm remembering the data set, correctly...if not...it would be an interesting way to analyze the data)...and in private schools outside the public school district...

But the trick, here, is that the advocates for various perspectives -- those favoring private school vouchers...and those favoring public schools -- each developed experiments and analyzing data in a way that supported their various perspectives...even as I thought there was much validity (meaning, truth...not just validity for their feelings:):):)...in each perspective...

I tend to think that public schools offer the best educational opportunities...

But I also think that freedom -- which shows up differently and incomplete in different schooling situations...and in schooling situations versus other situations, altogether -- is critical to the best learning...

So I'm going to go about my testing, differently...

I've developed my ideas, enough, I think, at this point...here...and on a couple of different forums I've been on -- Blonde Sagacity...but more...the EZBoard International Debate forum I've debated on -- to develop a much better idea, in my own head, at least, of what the implications of least possible necessary aggression, involves:):)...enough to write a book, at least, if not several, at this point:):)...

But the testing is really the tricky part:):)...

And I feel separate enough from the ideas, at this point (and confident in them, as well, I must admit)...

That I'm going to approach the question of falsifiability with the higher scientific standard...

Meaning...I'm going to develop tests to prove my ideas wrong...

And like any true debater:):):)...

I'm going to develop tests that are as rigorous in trying to prove my ideas wrong...as I was in developing them to constructively solve serious policy problems that I and others encounter...

And I'll start with what I think are the weakest areas or seemingly weakest areas in my ideas...

Some of the areas where I'm concerned by either statistics or by arguments in my ideas include advocacy for gun rights (the statistics of gun-related murders in the United States are way disproportionately high...though the U.S. has a lot of gun control laws that date back to near the beginning of the 20th Century, at least...and I don't have a very good explanation for those gun-related murders, at this point, by my lights)...

Another area is why people, intuitively, believe that harsher punishments are more effective for serious and violent crimes...even when the psychological data seems to point in the opposite direction...

Another area is places where pressure and intimidation and punishment seem to work...and help buttress the idea that they work for many people...but where, as behavioral and other psychologists, I think, rightly argue, that they work temporarily -- and I would add with longer term consequences that are often not accounted for -- and do not lead to internalization of principles and understandings that accomplish those goals more sustainably and substantially...

Meaning...why education and understanding and constructive engagement and thought and reality checks are far more effective, long term, and without those longer term consequences, than punishment is either the short term...and certainly in the long term...

As I've said before...aggression is sometimes necessary...

But the problem is in the rationalization of its use when it is not or is less useful...as means of gaining control...that is elusive...

Some of the military and law enforcement applications are ones I want to explore...since so many folks in these fields might be more likely to object to them, I assume...though I'm learning an awful lot about the diversity of ideas in these fields...but these are fields that more regularly use force to deal with difficult issues they encounter...

Business and economic applications might occur in these fields that might be less open to them than some other fields -- like education and academia...though there is much more precedent for the idea that freedom and education -- in the form of free trade and schooling -- creates growth in the fields of business and economics than in the fields of military and law enforcement...criminology might have incorporated more psychology...but I haven't studied enough criminology, at this point, to know...that's a place to start, too, I think:):)...

And the legal field has advocates for freedom on different sides, as do the politicians and activists that often borrow from this field to make arguments...

Bill Clinton's leadership includes both advocacy of things like drug control and gun control...and constructive engagement in places like China and Vietnam that seem to have been succesful in opening those countries up, both to promote more freedom in these countries and cultures, generally...but also to provide reality checks that make citizens and leadership in these countries more aware of poorer and better policy choices...

And George Bush's leadership with the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq offer excellent opportunities to test these ideas, as well...if conservatives who argue that America must look after her interests and the resentment of the world be damned and that means playing every hard power card we have necessary -- military, legal, political, and economic -- and that the casualties in Iraq are the necessary by-product of a more successful international policy than the one offered by the liberal leadership of Presidents like Bill Clinton (something that seems like a significant stretch to me, at this point, I must admit:):):)...then that scenario would pose a significant challenge to these ideas, I think:):)...

Liberal, Democratic, and citizen reaction to Hurricane Katrina, the blame games, the resignation of Michael Brown, and other unfolding events with that natural disaster might also offer an opportunity to look at the up-side of blame games, so to speak:):)...God knows a lot of liberals and Democrats engaged in them:):)...and an awful lot of folks -- conservatives included -- argued for them...so this might be a place to look at efforts that challenge a more constructive approach to difficult policy questions...or which frame constructive efforts differently...

And Tom Delay's indictments and issues with campaign finance regulation as well as larger issues with campaign finance regulation might offer some interesting tests of the issues -- good and bad -- with campaign finance regulation...

And I probably should, at some point, make increasingly clearer on this blog...as I have on other forums...the places where I think aggression is appropriate and most appropriate...where controlling and limiting freedom is more appropriate...in conjuction with efforts at constructive engagement...because the stakes are too high to leave freedom as an option...unrepentant and sociopathic murders and violent criminals...and even repentant murderers and violent criminals, for periods of time that assure more safety that they will not repeat their crimes...

And places where it is less useful...

Trying to impose democratic and freedom-loving values comes to mind, here:):)...

But here's the challenge for me...

I'm not interested in being right where I'm wrong...

It makes no sense...

Why would someone want to prove they are right when they are wrong?...

If you're wrong, you're wrong...

So...the challenge for me...

Is to develop as rigorous of tests as I can develop...

That attempt to prove my ideas wrong...

That try to falsify them...

I'm working on them...as well as using this as an opportunity to look at data that I want to analyze with fresh eyes...that look for alternative explanations...

And better yet...

With an eye to proving my ideas around least possible necessary aggression wrong:):):)...

Science is so fun, don't you think?:):):)...

That's why I love it:):):)...

It's the enterprise most open and rigorous...about proving itself wrong:):):)...

If anyone has any suggestions...as I'm sure a lot of people should...most people agree with me, in part...and then not, in part...so the parts where you don't agree with me...you can draw on those for ideas to prove these ideas wrong...

Please submit them:):)...

So here is everyone's chance:):):)...and an open invitation as long as I and everyone else is alive and kicking:):):)...

Any ideas that anyone has about how these ideas might be wrong...

I am way open to hearing them, right now...

Because I'm serious...

My focus, right now...

Is on proving my ideas wrong:):):)...

I think I might start with that John Stuart Mill essay I blogged about earlier...the one I said was the most comprehensive critique of these ideas, generally, that I have found, up to this point...it's published in a book called Applied Ethics, edited by Peter Singer, and published by the Oxford University Press in 1986...it's called Speech in Favour of Capital Punishment(1868)...in case you're interested:):):)...

Immigrants and native citizens...sorts out those who choose to live with laws and those who don't...to sort out matters of domestic force to deal with domestic issues within countries...and sorting out data for more and less democratic and more and less autocratic countries would be useful, too...

And consequences following constructive engagement and diplomatic resolutions of various international issues and those following the use of military power...and then to look at the consequences following conditions where I would assume, given these principles, where diplomatic or constructive engagement would be more effective...and conditions where militaristic or more forceful efforts would be more effective...terrorism presents particular challenges around collaborative efforts between military and law enforcement...but I imagine we can find data separating various consequences after various scenarios...

There are a lot of confounds in any data set we'd consult...meaning...there's a lot of different policies being used during similar or simultaneous time periods...

But the great thing about democracies...is that they offer a better laboratory for different approaches...

Meaning...that there are different democracies and different governments with different policies and different more dominant and less dominant ideologies during different time periods -- many of those democracies incorporate federalism...so different governments within federal arrangements that offer different policies to consider -- with different policies and different consequences from those different policies that we can analyze...

Also...if you feel more comfortable emailing me ideas for tests rather than posting them publicly on my blog (and I'll respect any requests for anonymity)...please feel free to do so...at...

benfrankln@yahoo.com

...or...

bfrankln@hotmail.com

...or...

You can also post suggestions on my Blogspot blog at http://benfrankln.blogspot.com...

Let the tests begin:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Genuinely forgiving myself and others for our failures in our humanity:):):)...

In the midst of renewed sense of wonder...and innocence...for me, lately...

I've been flooded with some feelings of heartache...

Not bitterness, really...at all, really...

Just...some fear...and some heartache...wanting to treat others better...and to be treated better...

And a better recognition...that we're all just doing our best...and trying to get better...

And even when folks are not doing their best...that they're still on a path towards better...

A lot of people seem so clueless, much of the time:):)...just what a low standard they hold for how they treat others:):)...and treat themselves:):)...

And so wrapped up in a false self-image...that they're more decent...to others and to themselves:):)...than they really are:):)...something I'm sure I'm guilty of, as well:):)...

I fail...and I get better...and I fail...and I get better:):):)...and I fail:):):)...and I get better:):):):):)...and so my life goes:):):)...

And...as we make our way down that path...

I recognize the need to more genuinely forgive myself and others...for all the times that we have and continue to fall short of a perpetually enlarged ideal...

It's hard...

I hate being treated like shit...as does everyone else...

But...

I've come to embrace during this time...

That we only have each other:):)...

And so we either develop more patience for each and all of our learning and growth and development...including all the times and ways that we low ball our treatment of one another, as so many of us are rationalizing these days...

Or we live our lives alone...which is kind of a lonely and uninspired way to live...

It's nice, sometimes...and even good for us, I think:)...

But it's also just kind of...bland...and without much sharing of ourselves and others...where so much of life that really matters happens...

I perpetually feel bad that my blog doesn't really give people a good enough reflection, I don't think...of who I really am...

It's just not the same thing as sharing someone's life in person, I don't think:):)...though it's awesome to get a peek into peoples' lives the way that this medium allows:):):)...

Have you ever seen Kikujiro?...you really should, if you haven't already:):)...it's a really beautiful movie:):)...the best artistic direction that I think I've ever seen in a movie, really:):)...and a terribly beautiful movie about a loving child who seems to bring out the best in everyone around him:):)...including and especially the ex-gangster who signs up to take him across the country to meet his mother:):)...

We rented it for Melissa's birthday:):)...I wanted her to see what I thought was the best example of artistic direction in a movie that I'd seen:):)...in case that direction with her art and theater interests was something that she might like to take up:):)...

As well as this really terrible French film...In This Skin...which you should see if you want to push the limits of your capacity to be shocked by blood and gore in an otherwise drama...it'll shock, I guarantee:):):)...but that's about it:):):)...

And a small, experimental independent movie directed by one of my very good friends, here in Lawrence, Matt Toplikar, and his friend, Alan Wiel, called Solitaire:):)...and co-starring another of my very good friends and another aspiring film director, Brent McCall:):):)...as well as a little 10 minute piece directed by the same duo...and starring another good friend of mine and a fellow-traveling film director, Jeff Ruggles:):)...

Kikujiro...and just life, generally...remind me...

That sometimes I just wish that I knew all the directions that we should take in life...

But right now...more than any other time in my life, I think...

I'm a little at a loss...

Though still with a better sense of direction than I've ever had, as well:):):)...my compass keeps getting better all the time:):):)...

And admitting to others that I don't know the directions, much of the time...is part of getting a better sense of direction, I think:):)...

I think I have a pretty extraordinarily strong compass, much of the time, really...

It's just that no compass is always on target, completely...

Sometimes...we have to get lost, I think...to know what it is to be found...

And sometimes we are lost, I think...even as we're finding our way:):)...

Much of the time we're lost, I think...even as we are finding our way...

I miss having someone around with a comparably strong compass...

Someone to share the burden with...someone to find direction with...someone I can rely on to ease my heart...when my capacity for direction seems overtaxed by so much pressure to go this way or that...

Someone who can steer me, better...when I'm too tired to drive...

There's this really beautiful imagery in Kikujiro...around the idea of angels...

The boy carries a small, light blue backpack:):)...with angel wings on the back:):)...

Mister -- the ex-gangster -- intimidates two motorcyclists...to give him an angel bell...that one of them carries on his bike:):)...

And these gorgeous artistic images of angels descend on the boy...and figure in these incredible dream sequences...and transitions...that feature the amazing artistic direction of this moving little story:):):)...

I'm not looking for an angel, really:)...

I'm looking for an ordinary girl...who aspires to be better...than me...than her own best...every day...till the day she dies...to care for me...in the same and better sometimes not-so-hot ways that I care for her...

To love me...and to teach me to love...better...deeper...wiser...more profoundly...than I could learn on my own:):)...

I'm really tired:)...I should get some sleep:):)...

Hope everyone has a beautiful day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Please check out this group...

...if you happen to be in or around Kansas City or Lawrence:):):)...

Hosted By: Jas A
When: Sunday Oct 23, 2005
at 6:30 PM
Where: Prospero's Books
1800 W 39th
Kansas City, MO 64101
US
Description:
Jas A

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If you have the time...please come...OPUS never disappoints...a really excellent performance every time I've seen them:):)...I highly recommend them:):)...

This month's subject: Vice...

Please check them out:):)...

Love,
Ben

If you're between 21 and 121...

...and you've forgotten what it's like to be 13...

Go rent Big...

I forgot just how fresh and new and mysterious and scary and innocent, all at the same time, that the world seemed...

And how adults lose so much track of that feeling...

Have you ever gotten to a point in your life where you realize...

That either folks are going to let the light in...

Or just keep hiding in the darker corners in their hearts?:):):)...

I think I'm there:):)...

Love,
Ben

No matter how much people frustrate me...which they do persistently:):):)...I love 'em all:):):)...

You know:)...

People piss me off, alot:):):)...

They get all worked up over stuff that they, often, don't know shit about:):)...

They want to love one another, often:):)...without really acting like it, much of the time:):)...not for real, I mean:):)...

They're often really petty:):)...I mean really petty:):)...so much stupid bullshit tickles their fancies and gets them upset:):)...

And they/we all spend an awful lot of time trying to jockey for who is the best person...so that we can speak with authority on why the person we're pissed at in the moment is really just this unsalvageable asshole:):):)LOL:):):)...

We can all be just kind of insanely passionate about nothing, much of the time:):)...at least in the big picture:):):)...or maybe passionate about important things...but too attached to our own reactions...rather than giving some deep, constructive thought to the matter:):)...

But...you know what?:):)...

I love people:):)...I really do:):):)...

Even with all the bullshit:):)...

It's like a relationship:):)...

Our best relationships are the ones that support and challenge our growth, the most:):):)...

Just lose one, once, that seems to challenge you too much, at times...and you'll know what I mean:):)...how you'll miss all that challenge once it's gone:):):)...

And to one degree or another...

I learn and grow in all my relationships...with everyone:):):)...all my friends:):)...all my family:):)...all the folks I've ever read:):)...and gotten a peek inside their minds:):)...and their understanding and reflections on the world:):)...

Everyone:):)...no matter who they are:):):)...

And I just love 'em:):)...

Maybe that's the feeling I've been having, lately:):):)...

Feeling like I'm in love:):)...

Maybe I just kind love humanity that much:):)...you know?:):):)...it's kind of nice, really:):):)...

I still want the smartest, most open, most freeing, most challenging relatioships...that support my learning and growth, most:):):)...that's for sure:):):)...people like Brandi...and my previous girlfriend, Jenny:):)...and Tom...and Jeannie...and Wayne...and my stepmom, Marilyn...and my dad, Chuck:):)...and all the best professors I've ever had:):)...Dave Ericson, at Wichita State:):)...and Tom, at KU:):)...and Melissa:):)...and Jas:):)...and Dolly:):)...and Blick:):)...and Dave:):)...and Elizabeth:):)...and Leslie:):)...and Willy:):)...and Kimmy:):)...and Debbie:):)...and Jesse:):)...and Bill:):)...and little Kelsie:):)...and Kenny:):)...and Deway:):)...and Fred:):)...and Z:):)...and Zach:):)...and David:):)...and JD:):)...and Sean:):)...and Brian:):)...and Dave:):)...and Shawn:):)...and Josh:):)...and Kevin:):)...and Brent:):)...and Matt:):)...and everyone, really:):)...

And the reason why I haven't fell in love in a quite awhile, up to this point:):):)...

Because my the last time I was really in love...which has now been as long as the entire time I dated that girl:):):)...crazy:):):)...

It was a really high standard...for all that learning and growth, you know?:):):)...

It was a really great relationship, really:):):)...

And now I'm looking for that and better:):):)...

But in addition to those really rewarding, intimate relationships that we can have with those really close, special friends and lovers:):):)...

I learn something from everyone, really:):)...

From people I meet in passing...from people I work with...from people I consider good friends...from teachers...from people I hang out with casually...from people I debate all kinds of issues, politics especially, with:):)...

I learn from everyone, really:):):)...

The reason I want to be a teacher, I think:):):)...

So I can keep learning from all kinds of people:):):)...for the rest of my life:):):)...

And that's just the kind of who guy I am:):)...

I love being curious about a million things, really:):)...chemistry...physics...biology...interesting, different jobs and careers...music...movies...entertainment...the law...theater...technology...

Everything...I'm interested in anything and everything:):):)...

But what I'm most interested in:):):)...what I love studying:):):)...and what I love doing with my life:):):)...

Is being with people:):):)...learning about them:):)...with and about them, generally:):):)...and with and about all the million different individuals I come across in my life:):):)...

I love it:):):)...it's my great passion in life:):):)...and I'm looking forward to being able to do it for as long as I'm able:):):)...

"You say either...and I say either...
You say neither...and I say neither...
Either...either...neither...neither...
Let's call the whole thing off...

You say tomato...I say tomahto...
You say potato...and I say potahto...
Tomato...tomahto...potato...potahto...
Let's call the whole thing off...

If...if we call the whole thing off...
Then we must part...
And oh...if we fall apart...
That would break my heart...

So, I say ursta you say oyster
I'm not gonna stop eatin' urstas just cause you call them oysters

So let's call it off...oh let's call it off
Oh, let's call it off...Let's call the calling off off...

Oh, let's...let's call the whole thing...off"

It doesn't matter how much people piss me off:):):)...I love 'em no matter what:):):)LOL:):):)...really:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

What a goddamn arrogant self-righteous bunch, this is...this human race:):):)...

I've been visiting some old haunts, lately:):)...

A liberal forum that I love...though I needed a serious break from...things were getting a little nasty:):)...hard to imagine in a period of liberal resurgence, I know:):)...

And a conservative forum:):)...where I felt I was talking to a brick wall, much of the time:):)...

But both had/have some great thoughts too...and a sense of how conservatives and liberals were reacting to various events and issues:):)...

And...the whole process...I think...has made me much more of a genuine independent, these days, I think, than in the past:):)...

I've been a liberal and a Democrat for most of my life:):)...my vote for George H.W. Bush in 1992 being a serious mistake and an exception, really:):)...

But goddamn if I haven't been uninspired, disappointed, and generally a little annoyed with the low-ball leadership among liberal and Democratic leaders, right now:):)...

Harry Reid vigorously opposes a more intellectual heavyweight like John Roberts...and supports a relative intellectual lightweight like Harriet Miers to fill the seat of a justice as admired (for good reason) as Sandra Day O'Connor?:):):)...because he likes Harriet's poor, sad underdog story, running one of the biggest law firms in Texas?:):):)...give me a fuckin' break:):):)...maybe Harry's a little intimidated by the brains of someone like John Roberts...and feels a little bit more at home with someone like Harriet Miers...for all the wrong reasons...

She definitely hasn't done much to convince me, yet, that she's Supreme Court material...Earl Warren or William Rehnquist -- two other judges with no experience before sitting with the Supreme Court -- she has definitely not proved herself to be, yet...

And Hillary Clinton has proved, thusfar...that when the going gets tough...as it did in Louisiana...Hillary starts a commission...much less admirable than the leadership of her husband...who worked on raising money for the effort...and had constructive criticism for the Administration's effort...

And Nancy Pelosi has just never impressed me, really...

Katrina prompted a serious break, for me, from conventional "Big L" liberal and Democratic responses...

And taught me a lot about how rare geunine leadership instincts really are...

And revisiting my old haunts has really hammered home an old lesson, for me, at this point, at least...

That we are all one big arrogant, self-righteous bunch...

Goddamn...

We are all so goddamn sure that we have the answers to everything...

That seriously studying issues...and listening to others...and trying to really understand them...

Just really isn't that important...

That the only things that matter...

Are our opinions and our assholes...both of which inspire concern, on our part, for our own...and indifference or hostility to one anothers':):):)...

We are just all just one big dumbass group hug...

All embracing ourselves for just how proud we are...

That we found all the right answers...

Without having to seriously think through them...or to consult all different kinds of people who may both agree and disagree with us...

But especially...all those folks who have:):):)...

It's so ironic...the pretense...of so many folks...who have never studied or tried to understand a whole host of issues...

So goddamn sure that they have all the answers...

And that everyone else...just doesn't recognize their brilliance...

And then...all those same people...lobbying their politicians...and their activist groups...and their friends...and their lobbies...

To do all those things they are all so goddamned sure will make everything better...

And then...when it doesn't...

Blaming the dumbasses in office who did all their bidding without thinking about it nearly enough themselves...

It's one big cosmic joke, I'm afraid...

We lobby and argue and persuade our politicians to act in a million different ways...

And then when they do...

We yell to the rafters for the heads of these same goddamn fools...

Lord, help us:):):)...

We are one big arrogant, self-righteous lot...

And...as my friend Lu, says...we get the government we deserve:):):)...

And right now:):):)...

We got it:):):)...

Lord, help us:):):)...

I think I need a drink:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Having those conversations...

I don't why...

But...my good news, today...

It's opened me up, some...

I celebrated with my friend and neighbor, Jesse...we got tacos...and some great cheap Dutch beer called Bavaria...

And we got a little tipsy:)...

And for some reason...

The good news opened me up...

I guess because it symbolized...for me, at least...the hope of reconciliation with my teachers...and my advisor...and mentor...Tom Skrtic...

I actually never imagined it differently when I was in grad school...

But things didn't turn out the way that I wanted...

And I had kind of given up hope, a little...

I guess today's news gave me some hope...

And...for whatever reasons...

It's had me facing death, more...facing it's imminence...knowing that it can/will happen between today and 30 years from now...or if I'm lucky...50 years from now...or...if I'm really lucky...70 years from now...but that's about as lucky as I expect I might be:):)...

And thinking, then...

That there are some conversations with people that I need to have with people before then...that my relationships with some people will never quite be complete if I don't have those conversations...

With some people...that's more limited...they aren't interested in having the conversations with me...

With others...I just need to have the conversations...and stop putting them off...knowing that I really could die tomorrow...and they'll never know how much I love them...how sorry I am about anything I've done wrong in my relationship and life shared with them...and how much I care about them...and want the best for them in their lives...

I just think people need to know how much we love them, you know?...even if the conversations might be, at times, uncomfortable...

I'm not the easiest person to approach about these issues, either, I realize...I get kind of embarrassed when people tell me that they love me...or that they're proud of me...I imagine it makes it harder for people to have the conversations with me...I just don't want them to think that I've done anything to win their love...or their approval...that I try to do things just to do the right thing...to do a good thing...a mitzvah...to do good...

But I imagine that's got to be off-putting for some folks...

And I imagine that a lot of my friends would really benefit from hearing me tell them in person how much I love them...and care about them...and support them...and want the best for them...

I just don't want them to be embarrassed, I guess...or to think me a puss for loving them so much...

If you didn't love Forrest Gump the first time, and you haven't given it a second chance...you really should...I did...I love this movie now...

It's a simple story about how a decent heart can weather any storm...how it is love...and not intelligence...or cleverness...or appearance...or wealth...or anything else, really...

Just decency...and an open heart...

Which make the world a decent place...

I hope everyone is safe...and well loved...

Have a good night, everyone...

Love,
Ben

Awesome news:):):)...

I just finally able to pick up my transcripts from school (navigating the bureaucracy to take care of holds took forever:):):)...

And awesome news:):)...

OK...far too many I's and W's for anyone's transcripts, I totally admit:):)...

But I'm withdrawn with no comment:)...

And I have a 3.82 GPA:):):)...higher than what I thought (I thought I had something like a 3.7...but I don't really pay close attention to this kind of thing, really:):)...ok...a little:):):)...but too much just takes away from what counts in an education:):):)...

My worries about how to explain my leaving school are slowly dissipating:):):)...

I am doing well:):)...

I hope everyone else is doing well, also:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Resolved to having a nice life:):):)...

I think this time off has been good for me:):)...

This morning:)...I've been really resolved...

That...I'm not interested in being scared for the rest of my life...

Of losing a job...or a house...or whatever...or whatever financial consequences might come with that...or of whatever, really...

And that I'm going to start talking more honestly and openly about that...with bosses and loan officers, when necessary:):):)...

And that I feel really great...about my capacities as a thinker...and as a teacher...and as someone who has a lot to contribute to almost any situation I might find myself in:):):)...totally independent of what others feel about me:):)...good or bad:):):)...

And that I'm just not as easily intimidated any more:):)...as easily I was, at least, when I feared the repercussions more of doing something to piss off someone with whatever power:):)...

It's the great thing about facing that fear in the workplace so many times:):):)...

After awhile:):):)...it just doesn't scare you any more:):):)...

So be it, is my philosophy now:):):)...as Sally from You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown might say:):):)...

I'm actually quite convinced that I've discovered/theorized/uncovered some really important fundamental ideas about people...and power...and their problems...and those problems' solutions:):)...and life:):):)...

And I feel much more secure in that and in myself, as a consequence, now:):):)...and from now on, I assume:):)...

It just occurred to me, today...that if I couldn't just stop and feel good about my contributions to this world:):)...about my capacity to contribute:):)...and not be afraid all the time about being fired...or being out of a living situation...or whatever...

That noone really could:):):)...

And I'm just not interested in living a life where that would somehow be some kind of deadend of a life that everyone would just accept:):):)...rather than deciding to live different:):):)...

So I'm deciding to live different:):):)...

And I feel really good about it:):):)...

I feel, now...that I have a fairly realistic outlook on both how many important social and political efforts can be accomplished:):)...and not just self-righteously asserted:):)...or grandstanded on:):)...

And a sense of integrity to everyone involved:):)...much more than I understood while I was still in school:):):)...

There is something to experience, I think:):)...though learning to accept realities doesn't mean settling for them:):):)...

And I'm just tired, frankly, of spinning my wheels all the time...trying to meet expectations many of which people have no intention, at all, of being realistic or reasonable with:):)...

People can wait, I've decided:):):)...and if they don't like that:):):)...then they can go huff and puff either in healthy, constructive way with me:):):)...or they can take it somewhere else:):):)...

The truth is...that we all deserve to have people be patient...and kind...and decent with us:):):)...

And if I haven't earned it, frankly:):):)...noone ever will:):):)...

And I'd much rather live a life where I expect that:):):)...regardless of whether folks are ready or comfortable or prepared for that or not:):):)...than resign myself to a life where I can never just expect that people be reasonable with me:):)...and just kind of fuck off, frankly, if they're not:):):)...

I do want a nice life:):)...

A nice teaching job:):)...and writing and teaching for a living:):)...

A nice middle class home:):):) (I've never liked big houses, frankly:):):)...a house is supposed to be a home, I think:):):)...not a trophy:):)...or something that scares or intimidates the neighbors:):):)...

Time off for vacations and traveling:):):)...

Time to study:):)...and reflect:):)...and work constructively on important issues in our/my communities and life:):):)...

But to have those things...and to not be constantly afraid of losing them:):):)...

Priceless:):):)...

And that's how I intend to live my life:):):)...

Whether life is ready for that or not:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A general apology...

Hey, y'all:):)...

Hope everyone's doing well:):)...it's been a down weekend, really...I've kind of blue about some of my observations and feelings about how base political conversation has gotten, lately...and how I've been treated by some folks over the course of that...

Just been feeling kind of numb, really, this weekend:):)...

Lots of movies, this weekend:):):)...

Angels in America:):):)...a great rendition of both of Tony Kushner's brilliant scripts:):):)...

Prozac Nation:):):)...a really nice movie-version of Elizabeth Wurtzel's story of being overwhelmed by the pressures of Ivy League education and writing for the national press:):):)...

And Six Feet Under:):):)...always a good time:):):)...

I just wanted to take a moment to give a general apology...

For being kind of condescending, too much of the time, around political questions...

I was just talking with Melissa about this, today...

I get frustrated, sometimes...that...I feel like I work with a standard that is...there's no other way to really say it...it's just a higher standard than most people are familiar with, I think...

There was a situation that came up, today, that illustrated the point, I thought...

Melissa and I were shopping for books at the local annual public library sale, today:):)...

We happened across this Applied Ethics book...that I ended up buying:):)...

There was this John Stuart Mill argument in favor of the death penalty in it...I oppose the death penalty...and I disagreed with Mill's arguments...though I did think it was one of the most comprehensive critiques of both an anti-death-penalty position that I had read...and of my general thesis -- that dealing with difficult matters of public policy with punishment rather than with a more constructive, forward-looking approach that has more integrity and honesty with and to all the people involved...including trangressors...is the far less effective means of dealing with such matters -- by definition, in a sense...but also substantially -- than is an approach that seeks to punish and hurt people to deal with those same issues...

So I picked it up:):)...and if you want a copy of what I think is the best critique of that general thesis:):):)...I highly suggest it:):)...

It's called Speech in Favour of Capital Punishment (1868)...it's in Peter Singer's Applied Ethics book (Singer edits it...it's original documents from other authors, as well as Singer:):)...put out by the Oxford University Press...1986:):):)...great book...especially around life and death issues...abortion...euthanasia...capital punishment...

And though Mill is my single favorite 19th Century philosopher...and perhaps of all time (John Dewey is right up there with him:):):)...

I just think Mill is wrong about this one...I think his argument is an excellent abstract argument for his case...but I think the realities of punishment and capital punishment work differently that Mill assumes -- and most people assume, I think -- in his argument:):)...

Melissa and I were talking about the argument...

And I was recalling another argument that Mill wrote that I read when I was an undergraduate:):)...that argued that slaves could not choose slavery...

At the time...I thought it was a brilliant argument:):)...

Mill was arguing that slaves couldn't choose slavery...because their choosing of slavery would leave them with no freedom to choose otherwise:):):)...

Now...as a definite opponent of slavery:):):)...

I thought...what a great argument:):):)...obviously slaves lose their freedom to choose otherwise...should they choose slavery:):):)...

But then today...as Melissa and I were talking about it:):)...

I thought...

While I clearly agree that slavery is wrong -- which was Mill's central argument, of course:):):)...

I think...now...when I'm not trying to just defend his argument...and when I think about it in a more realistic context -- which is the standard I work with, now, after a policy graduate education...

That Mill is factually wrong about that argument...even while I support it's intent:):)...

Meaning...

A slave actually CAN choose their own slavery:):)...AND they lose their freedom to choose, should they make that choice...which is a great argument against slavery as an institution...because it binds someone to an agreement out of which they can't be unbound...

But in reality...it's similar to choosing to die...

If you commit suicide...or if you choose to be euthanized...

You can't come back after it takes place...

But you can still choose to do it:):)...

It's just a bad choice:):):)...

Which is Mill's general thesis on slavery, I think:):)...and which is the reason that he and most modern day folks want/ed it abolished:):)...

And my thinking about that argument has changed...

Because my thinking about the world, generally, has changed...as I was held and held myself to a higher and higher standard of accountability on policy questions...based on their realities...not just on what outcome that I preferred:):):)...

Meaning...

It wasn't good enough...and it's not good enough, frankly...in policy circles...to argue that "such and such" is the way the world should be...

You also need to square your view of the way the world should be...

With the way that the world is...especially in its more fundamental ways...

This isn't a cynical outlook...

It doesn't mean that you accept bad situations...

It just means that you look at bad situations...

And figure out the most likely way to make them better...given more persistent and fundamental realities:):):)...and...our forever limited understanding of those more persistent and fundamental realities:):):)...

There's quite a bit more to it, I think...

I just want to take a moment...and apologize...

Because...the truth is...that most people...including me, for most of my life...don't hold themselves to that kind of standard when it comes to these kinds of discussions...

And over the last couple of days...especially after that discussion with Melissa...and after coming across in an internet search this terribly angry letter that I wrote back in grad school to this writer, Richard Poe, of Frontpage Magazine:):):)...

I realized just how much I've changed...over the years:):)...and especially out of my policy grad school education:):):)...

And how unfair it is to hold people to that kind of standard...

And how condescending it is to do say a lot of the things I've said given how different an expectation that is for most people...

I've just been frustrated, I think...with how out of control, in my view, the country has gotten...liberal...conservative...radical right...radical left...with political arguments and discussion...and...much more importantly...how we treat one another over the course of those discussions...

And I just feel bad that I've acted like everyone is supposed to know this stuff...

Or that somehow I'm some kind of final arbitrer on these matters...which I clearly am not...and have no place asserting or pretending to be...

It's an arrogant assertion...that's I've tried to avoid...but I don't think I have completely...frustrated that people often hold themselves to such a low standard...and my feeling that people often ignore the higher standard...as if it really doesn't mean anything...which it clearly does...to anyone who is more familiar with it:):):)...

It's definitely not my intent...

And usually...when it happens...it's just me feeling hurt...or feeling angry...about how I feel like I'm being treated in some conversation...

I'm just a guy...I'm not an angel...or some kind of wise man...

I'm just a guy who makes a lot of mistakes like everyone else, really...

And this one is one that I've tried like mad to avoid...

But which I just haven't been able to, I'm afraid...both because I'm human...but also because this blog is one of my main sources for venting all those bad feelings...as much as writing about my thoughts on important issues...

And because political conversations have just gotten more heated and cynical in the last five or years or so than I remember than being in earlier years...

Maybe because I was in a university setting for 12 years before the last couple of years...

But even there they were getting pretty bad the last time I spent a lot of time on a university campus...

And because I'm just human...and it's hard not to react...no matter how hard I try to be as decent as possible...

I watched this episode of Six Feet Under, tonight:):)...

Ruth -- the mom of the family -- gets married to George -- this very good and very decent geology professor:):)...

And the family is treating George like SHI-ITE:):):)...I mean major shit:):):)...even though George is a really good guy...I think, at least:):):)...

And George is doing his best to be a decent guy about the whole thing:):):)...

But in one conversation with Arthur, the funeral home's intern:):)...

George is kind of condescending:):)...in a conversation in his specialty...geology:):)...which..it turns out:):)...he was wrong about:):)...at least according to Arthur's source:):)...

But the larger issue for George:):)...is that he keeps getting treated like shit:):):)...by everyone in the house:):):)...

And I watched that:):):)...

And I thought:):):)...

I see myself in that:):):)...

And no matter why...or how it happens:):):)...

It's bullshit:):):)...no excuses:):):)...

So anyway...I just wanted to apologize...

I've been feeling like shit...

But that doesn't give any liscense to treat anyone else like shit...period...

I hope everyone's doing well:):):)...

Talk with everyone soon, I hope:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Preserving peoples' feelings...

I've been debating a little bit, today...

If I should just say/write things that I'm feeling/saying at the moment...which seems more authentic, much of the time...

Or if I should clean them up, more...

If you catch this blog at various posting times...you'll see that I clean up what I say quite a bit, actually...I don't like to hurt peoples' feelings, if I can avoid it...so I do all kinds of shit to preserve peoples' feelings...

I'm often more generous with people, by far, than they deserve:):):)...

I try to say things as nicely as possible...

I try to be sensitive about how people might feel being criticized publicly...

I take most people far more seriously than they take themselves...and what they say far more seriously than they think about what they say before they say it...

I don't know...I like "the big me"...

But I also know that I can trust someone when I can be more honest with them...and not sugarcoat everything I say/write...

Much of what I think of as being a grown up comes from conversations with adults when I was young when their guards were down, like this...rather than when they were being so nice...

But I also know that most people are much more fragile than me:):):)...and so I don't want to hurt their feelings more than I'm sure they can handle, most of the time...

I don't know...I don't know if it really matters much...

I just want to both be as decent as possible to folks...

And to show more honestly my real self...without editing:):):)...the clumsy, human, real me...without so much of the bullshit...

I just also don't want to hurt people...

Anyway...I'm just thinking about it...no real conclusions on the matter:):):)...

Have a good night, everyone...

Ben

The Onion totally outdoes itself:):):)...and David Rees:):):)...

Two articles from last week's Onion (which I just happened to get to in my inbox...I know...I'm a slacker:):):)...

Scalia goes on abortion bender after being passed over for Chief Justice...

...and...

Bush braces as Cindy Sheehan's other son drowns in New Orleans

Hilarious stuff:):):)...

And if you haven't checked out David Rees' work...Get your war on...My new filing technique is unstoppable...and My new fighting technique is unstoppable:):):)...

David Rees...My new filing technique is unstoppable...

I highly recommend his work:):):)...and catching him in person, as Melissa and I did, last night, at the Spencer Art Museum, here in Lawrence:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Totally random realization...and an apology and a thank you for my teachers:):):)...

Totally random, today...

I realized that I have an apology due to some old friends of mine...three teachers...Tom Skrtic...Jeannie Tramill...and Wayne Sailor...

It's a long way back...like 2 years...

And I don't think they read my blog, regularly...

It's a long story...but the short and long of it was that I was really scared about a situation in my life...about losing a job...feeling betrayed about the whole situation...since the truth was that I cared very much about doing well at that job and, in most ways, was far exceeding their expectations, I think...but it was a complicated situation, all around...and in the midst of it... not knowing what to do...I really took it out on my teachers...like really bad...and I just feel like a schmuck, for it...

It was in email...which makes the need for a personal apology all the more necessary, I think...I just think they deserve to hear it in person, if possible...

You ever notice how the older you get...the more experiences you have in life...the more understanding you get of peoples' limitations?...and your own...hopefully?...that's definitely my experience...

I feel so bad about this situation...but I just need to find a way to approach them -- there are three people involved -- and just tell them I'm sorry...

And when I think about it...I begin to realize just how we make progress after taking steps backwards...

How love and compassion and responsibility and more thoughtfulness are the only things that make sense when are darker impulses...fear, in my case...and cynicism...and hatred...and control...

When all of these fail us...

The truth is that these teachers did so much to help me and support me...intellectually...financially (Tom awarded me a pretty amazingly generous graduate stipend with really generous conditions, relative to other grad students)...and emotionally...especially in Jeannie's case...but also in Tom's case, some...they were really terrific...not ideal...noone is...but really terrific...and brilliant...and compassionate...and thoughtful...

I was just kind of blinded by my fear in the moment...and by my anger and bitterness, in the moment, that I was being treated unfairly I believed and believe...because I was following my own drummer...rather than towing the line...

It's a really delicate situation...so I don't think it's as easy as just going to them, saying hi, and saying I'm sorry...it's something that may take some time, perhaps...

I don't know:):)...we'll see:):)...

I just know...that at least I wanted to put it out there in the world...in case that I die in a car accident or I'm hit by a bus:):)...

That I'm sorry:):)...and that I really appreciate everything they did for me:):)...I really appreciate what great teachers and colleagues they were/are to me:):)...and everything they do to make KU such a great school:):)...

I've thought many times since I've been out of school how much more decent and constructive and thoughtful and humane and functional and productive and effective university environments, generally, and my graduate school, specifically, are than most of the work and life experiences I've had in the "real world" (because universities, you know, are not part of the real world:):):)LOL:):):)...they're just ivory towers living in the fantasy world of college campuses outside of real world day-to-day existence:):):)LOL:):):)...

And Tom and Jeannie and Wayne, in particular, did/have done a really terrific job as teachers and advisors and friends than do most...

I'm really proud to call them my teachers:):):)...and mentors:):):)...and friends:):):)...

Because they do so much to make things better in schools:):)...and in this world:):):)...

After the response the Katrina...and Rita...and the lingering bitterness over 9/11...it's more clear to me...that all of us have a tendency to get lost in our fears...our anger...our bitterness...our heartache...when life goes awry:):):)...

But that it's just heartache...

And when the darkness clears...hopefully...we can see the world with a stronger light:):):)...

Thanks Tom...Jeannie...Wayne:):):)...for all your support of my really very outstanding education at the University of Kansas:):):)...

And thanks for being such great leaders in my community...and in the bigger communities...of policy...of education...and in special education:):):)...

Thanks for doing your best...and for your best to be such a better example than most:):):)...

And thanks for nurturing my opportunity to contribute what I have to contribute:):):)...in my short time on this planet:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben