I'm such an asshole...
I'm such an asshole...
Sometimes you meet someone who so opens you up beyond your defenses that you can admit this to yourself...
This is why I don't think that hurting people makes the world better...
Because it's when we have our hearts opened up by people with bigger hearts than ours that we realize what FUCKING DICKS we can be...
...and I just realized, this evening, what a FUCKING LAME ASS DICK I can be...
...and I feel so goddamn ashamed...
...I'm not going to go into it, right now...
...I'll just say that it took me experiencing someone else's love to admit it to myself...
I'm such a fuckin' prick...I feel like such a louse...I want to tender apologies, but I don't know how...
I just hope the folks in question know what a prick I've been know what an asshole I feel like...
It just goes to show...love is the ONLY way that we face up to our bullshit...everything else is just our bullshit unchallenged...unchanged...the same old bullshit...the same old cycles...the same old nonsense...the same old hurt...the same old same old...
I'm trying to forgive myself, right now...but it's a tough row, right now...I can see why it would be so hard for others to forgive me too...to the great big universe out there, I say, "I'm sorry...please forgive me...for being a great big asshole"...
Is it possible for human beings to NOT be assholes?...
I don't think so...
I don't think there's anyway around it...
We're just assholes...as about one of the most absolute rules of life that I can imagine...
We're not bad, I don't think, fundamentally...
Just assholes...
Worthy of forgiveness...
But assholes, nonetheless...
I realized the other day while recounting Bobby Kennedy's speech following the assassination of Martin Luther King to some friends at work how important love and compassion and understanding and forgiveness is...
How much we take it for granted...
How much we take for granted people like Bobby Kennedy...and Martin Luther King...and Ghandi...and their lives and deaths and examples...
What assholes we all are:):):)...
...and it's ok:):):):):):)...
...because that's why those folks' hearts were so big:):):):):):)...
...so we could be assholes, today, and still learn and be still and always worthy of forgiveness:):):):):):)...
But today it's a tough row to hoe...because today I only barely think that I'm worthy of it...
But the only reason why I'm able to face what a dicklick I am is because someone else's love opened me up to my bullshit...
Meaning I could only face what an asshole I am because someone else's capacity for love convinced me -- intuitively, I imagine -- that I might be worthy of forgiveness if I faced up to my bullshit...
And because this person's love helped me see what an asshole I had been in the first place...
I'm listening to the Five Blind Boys of Alabama tonight as I write this post...which is ironic and appropriate since I referenced this song, "Down by the Riverside" for another friend whom I thought was being an asshole...
I just hope I'm worthy of forgiveness...I think/hope I am...because God knows that I need it...
"I'm going to lay down my heavy burdens...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside"...
"I'm going to lay down my heavy burdens...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside"...
"Ain't gonna study war no more"...
I'm such an asshole...I hate myself, right now...
This will pass, I'm sure...
But it's too long coming...and something I've needed to face for too long, I think...
I just downloaded Ray Charles' Amazing Grace...
I need this one, right now...
Amazing grace...how sweet the sound...
That saved a wretch like me...
I once was lost...but now I'm found...
I was blind...but now I see...
Twas grace that taught my heart to feel...
And grace my fears relieved...
How precious, yes, that grace appear...
The hour I first believed...
When we'll been there...ten thousand years...
Bright shining as the sun...
We've no less days...to sing God's praise...
Then when we first begun...
Amazing grace...how sweet the sound...
That saved a wretch...like me...
I once was lost...but now I'm found...
I was blind...but now I see...
Thanks, Ray...from a man who knows what's it like to be lost:)...and found:)...
I'm so sorry, everyone...
Thanks, Rose...
Love,
Ben
