Sarah Lunde, David Onstott, and trying to explain the unexplainable...and prevent the preventable...

Sarah Lunde is the 13-year-old Florida girl who was strangled to death allegedly by convicted rapist, David Onstott, a former boyfriend of her mother, Kelly May Lunde...

Sex Offender Charged in Florida Girl's Death

I just want to say that if David did this terrible thing...he's a disgusting bastard for having done so...and whomever did this thing is a disgusting bastard for having done so...

This is such a tragic story of a girl who looks to have worked very hard to transcend a very difficult and troubled childhood through relationships with/in a local Apostolic church...

And whose too brief life was cut short by someone likely terribly callous to be able to kill a 13-year-old girl...

This is a terrible tragedy that deserves all of our sympathy and concern...

As Vickie Chachere, the Associated Press writer who filed the story described:

"Among the mourners were Mark Lunsford, whose daughter Jessica was found dead last month after she was kidnapped from their Citrus County home, and Roy Brown, whose daughter Amanda was murdered in 1997 by a convicted child molester in Tampa."

Lunsford gave his take on Sarah's murder:

"It's sad that it takes something like this to bring a community together," Lunsford said. "America needs to wake up. The next child could be yours."

I feel nothing but compassion for young people like Sarah and Jessica and Amanda, and their fathers and family, like Kelly and Roy and Mark...

And these kinds of crimes, of course, must be prevented, as much as possible...

But I do think America is quite awake around issues concerning violence and abuse against children...

I think the much deeper problem is in finding more effective and sensitive ways of dealing with the problem and all of the myriad of difficult complications in doing so...

I'm concerned that too many people, right now, are convinced that hurting sex offenders and murderers and other violent peoplem, more, rather than being committed to them taking responsibility for their crimes and seeking forgiveness for what they've done -- with some expectation that they will receive forgiveness, at least from those of us committed, responsible, and, thus, willing to do so...

...rather than expecting that doing the same thing we've been doing for almost 2000 years, really (perhaps with less inhumanity and vengeance than we have in the past) will, somehow, yield a different result...

The definition of insanity, as the saying goes, is doing the same thing over and over again:):):)...and expecting a different result:):):)...

And this is no different for this very difficult situation than it is for any other...

In fact, as Reverend Desmond Tutu argues, persuasively, I think, it is MORE IMPORTANT to forgive and to develop and effective process of truth and reconciliation the MORE SERIOUS the crime...

Tutu argues this case when dealing with the most serious crimes known to humanity...crimes of genocide...or mass murder...generally of one ethnic or religious group against another...

Tutu argues that a process of truth and reconciliation -- similar to the process developed by people like Desmond Tutu in South Africa following the terrible crimes of apartheid -- should be developed for the most serious crimes against humanity, in lieu or in conjuction with an international criminal court...

Clearly...some process of forgiveness is needed to help us transcend so many of our very terrible tragedies that have left peoples' -- between larger societies...between peoples and governments...between individuals...individuals like David Onstott and Kelly May Lunde -- with anger and bitterness and pain in their hearts...often lost in darkness...searching for light...

And, given how central the principle of love and compassion and forgiveness -- authentic love and compassion and forgiveness...in contrast to Nancy Reagan's otherwise wonderful bit of advice...we cannot ONLY fake it until we make it...we also have to make it:):):):):):):) -- we might begin to explore alternatives to simply more incarceration or harsher punishment -- which are CLEARLY NOT WORKING, if this case could be evidence to us of anything -- to prevent such terrible tragedies in the future...

To do so will be difficult and challenging...and very painful...for people like Kelly Mae Lunde...and Mark Lundsford...and Roy Brown...

But as the New York Central Park mugging and rape victim, Trisha Meili, demonstrates in her book, "I am the Central Park Jogger: a Story of Hope and Possibility"...it is not only possible...it is preferable...for both the victims and the perpetrators...

Trisha Meili's I am the Central Park Jogger: a Story of Hope and Possibility

As Trisha's story demonstrates...forgiving pain that others have caused us is better for US...not just for those who have hurt us...

And authentically forgiving is a very difficult and painful process of dealing with and experiencing and letting go of our pain more openly and honestly and authentically -- meaning FOR REAL...not just so that we look or fake ourselves out into thinking that we've forgiven when we haven't:):):)...

And to do so is a really critical part of both the healing process...and of growing and deepening and opening and learning and developing and relating as human beings:):):)...

As Wayne Muller, a really wonderful author I encountered while in undergrad writes:):):)...painful situations in our lives are often opportunities for growth that can have advantages that we never imagined if we take up the painful and difficult work of forgiveness and developing genuine compassion and understanding for those who have hurt us -- as well as feeling our authentic feelings of anger and hurt and fear and, sometimes, a desire for revenge...

As Robert Kennedy tells black audience members in his impromptu eulogy for Martin Luther King:

"For those of you who are black and are tempted to be filled with hatred and distrust at the injustice of such an act, against all white people, I can only say that I feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a white man. But we have to make an effort in the United States, we have to make an effort to understand, to go beyond these rather difficult times.

My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He wrote: 'In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.'

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black.

So I shall ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, that's true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love--a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we've had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land.

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world."

I can't say it better than Bobby...Let us dedicate ourselves to tame the savageness of man...and make gentle the life of this earth...

Thanks Bobby...thanks Desmond...thanks Trisha:):):)...thanks Wayne:):):)...

And thanks to everyone whose ever taught me to forgive and love authentically in my life:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Feeling lonely:):):)...loving friends:):):):)...and wondering what the hell has happened to my friend, Brandi Fisher:):):)...

I'm listening to the best album I've heard of Dar Williams'...the Out There Live Album...an all live album of Dar's greatest hits, including Better Things...February...The Babysitter's Here...The Christians and the Pagans...When I Was a Boy...I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono...Are You Out There...What Do You Here in These Sounds...Iowa:):):)...The Ocean:):)...Spring Street:):)...As Cool as I Am:):):)...If I Wrote You...End of the Summer...and After All:):):)...

A ton of really wonderful Dar Williams hits:):):)...if you haven't heard February, The Babysitter's Here, The Christians and the Pagans, When I Was a Boy, Iowa, I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono, and Are You Out There, especially, then you really haven't ever lived:):):):):):)...

I'm feeling kind of lonely lately:):):)...a bunch of things:):):)...

Melissa and I have broken up:):):)...and she's been spending a lot more time (3 nights in one week:):):), with one of my very best friends and a guy that I think would be great for Melissa and whom I've thought from the first time I saw them both in the same room would be a great match for Melissa:):):)...my friend...Dave Gilham:):):)...

I'm totally happy for Melissa and for Dave:):):)...and have totally encouraged and supported their spending time together:):):)...

I've just been missing having Melissa around because she's always such a good listener and it's like having one of your best friends start hanging out with someone of the opposite sex...so you don't get to spend as much time with them, you know?:):):)...

And I'm just kind of missing having Melissa around:):):):):):)...and the amount of time that we've spent together in the last year or so:):):):):):)...I'll really miss it when we aren't doing it every day any more:):):):):):)...

So I'm feeling kind of lonely right now:):):)...

Melissa and I went out last night and saw the town of Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...we ate at this really wonderful little restaraunt called Alladin's Cafe, here in Lawrence:):):)...a wonderful little Middle Eastern/Mediterranean exotic/liberal restaraunt/hang-out here in Lawrence:):):)...we had really yummy vegitarian food:):):)...and had these really wonderful, cute little waitresses waiting on us:):):)...

Melissa and I talked quite a bit yesterday about us...about being broken up:)...about seeing other people:):)...about having sex with other people:):):)...about me still and always planning my future wedding:):):)...especially when I'm single and I've nothing better to do:):):)...about me looking at other women and her looking at other men in public when we're together:):):)...about how we relate, now, differently, since we're broken up:):):)...

It's funny:):):)...it's like being broken up has brought Melissa and I closer together rather than led us to feel farther apart, as is common in former relationships and is certainly true, right now, with a certain ex-girlfriend in my life:):):):):):)...

Brandi hasn't written me in almost 2 weeks...

And this despite the fact that my last correspondence with her was asking her if she might visit my grandmother when she was in Wichita next (she goes often) just to say hi since we're not exactly sure how much longer she'll be with us:)...

Brandi was really loved in my family and I'm sure that my grandma would love to see her:)...

It was a really important request for me...

And Brandi's completely blown it off...

I haven't heard anything:(...

Brandi used to be my best friend...she used to be the most sensitive person I knew...the person I could count on, most, to be supportive during a hard time...

And, right now, I can hardly count on her for anything at all, really...

Not even friendship, right now...

For whatever convoluted reasons that she's conjured up in a heart and mind that I just don't really understand anymore, really...

It's not just that Brandi keeps everything from me, these days...

It's that I just don't get her anymore...

She's changed...

And not for the better...

Not writing -- even out of sympathy or just to say that she couldn't make it to Wichita -- is REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER for Brandi...

I don't know what's going on with Ms. Fisher, but I'm REALLY CONCERNED...

I told Brandi a long time, it seems now, that I had a best friend in high school who got lost in a world of drugs for a long time and it really created some distance between us, at the time...

His name was Mike Coupland...

He was my best friend from high school...

We were best friends...and competitors...as students...as forensics speakers and debaters...and theater kids...as boys in high school looking for support and attention like any kids in high school, really...

And Mike started getting convinced that he couldn't compete with me, anymore...

I was doing more successfully in forensics, at the time...even though Mike and I were also doing successfully together, as duo partners...and not so successfully, later -- my senior year -- as debate partners...but still in it all together...I thought...

But my sophomore year of high school, things started falling apart in Mike's family...and Mike started to slip away from me...

We got in a big fight...physically...Mike beat the shit out of me before I left his house and didn't return to see him at all for quite a long time...

And then my senior year, Mike and I started hanging out again:)...we were debate partners...doing poorly...but together nonetheless:)...

And then the day before/of our regional debate tournament that qualified us for nationals...Mike completely lamed out on me...

One of the biggest debate tournaments for us (since we weren't that good and there was NO WAY IN HELL we were going to NFL Nationals:):):) of the year...

...and Mike just decided he wasn't going to show...

I lost track of Mike for a couple years again...

...when out of the blue he called me from Alaska...in the Air Force...where he was stationed...he joined up after we graduated:):):)...it was a dream of Mike's for quite a while, at that point...

...the dream of a kid who missed and never really knew, very well, a biological father who had been in the military:):):)...

Mike was married and had a daughter at that point:):):)...

...but he didn't seem much happier:(...

He was still lost in drugs (since Mike was stationed in Alaska for drugs and all charges are in the past, I think it's ok to share this...I hope so, at least)...he was not happy in his relationship...or as a father...

Mike had just not really grown up much...or at least not enough to feel confident as a man...and as a husband...and as a father...since I knew him in high school...and the military, clearly, had not really facilitated that maturity very well, either...

...and in Mike's case, they really had no excuse...

...Mike was a bright, creative, ambitious young man...

Clearly, Mike's life is his own, primarily...

But the military's responsibility with kids like Mike, as much as preparing them to kill and fight, is to facilitate their maturity...to support them through a difficult and challenging and often scary time in a young person's life, as Dean Mundy so well describes in his Mundy's Musings on Christianity, referring to similarly aged young men and women going off to college when they are young freshman-aged students:):):)...

Mike moved back to Wichita and we hung out a little bit when I was still going to school at Wichita State University:):):)...I liked hanging out with Mike, again:):):)...though I often did feel like I was still taking care of Mike and supporting him where he struggled to take care of himself:)...

...but, then again, we all need help, sometimes...I'm definitely not an exception to that:):):)...at all:):):)...

...but...for whatever reasons...since I was just coming off of a break-up with my then girlfriend, Jenny Burrington...and was yet to meet my soon-to-be best friend...and...later...girlfriend...Brandi Fisher...I just didn't feel strong enough to support Mike at the time...

Which was really ironic and self-centered on my part...given my anger and hurt and frustration with my sister, Jenny, at the time who was not supportive enough with me as I dealt with my very difficult feelings following Jenny Burrington's and my break-up, for VERY SIMILAR REASONS:):):)...

I guess, even though I was overwhelmed emotionally...with very few resources immediately available to me to handle my situation better...that I was being a little self-centered with Mike, given my own needs, as well:)...

But the whole point, here, is that Mike took a LONG SLIDE from this really bright, ambitious, competitive, creative, sensitive, wonderful guy I knew...

Into this really self-centered...fragile...often unable to cope...or deal with life's challenges...guy...who still had the glimmer of the brighter, ambitious, sensitive, creative, competitive, wonderful guy that I once knew:):):)...

And I told Brandi, at one point, as she starting acting in ways that I really didn't recognize or understand...that I was concerned that she was taking a similar slide...

And not answering back after I tell Brandi about what's going on with my grandmother is really the last bit of confirming evidence for me that Brandi is in trouble...and not really dealing with it...

And it makes very sad:(...

Brandi is angry with me, right now, because I was honest with her in a way she didn't want to here:(...

She was kind of shitting on me in a recent email and I finally told her that I was tired of eating her shit...and that I didn't understand our relationship, at all, these days...Brandi says she wants to be friends...I say that I want to be friends...but Brandi can't handle it...

Which I don't understand, at all, of course, since it makes no sense to me, at all that being broken up means that you can't be friends:)...Melissa and I are navigated fairly well, right now, I think:):):)...

But neither Brandi nor Greg, I don't think, can handle right now...

And...in the meantime...instead of being responsible for that...

Fisher kept putting that shit off on me...

And I had finally had enough of it...

And Brandi has decided that instead of being responsible for that and growing up a little bit and learning to be a big girl with a husband and a friend and ex-boyfriend, that instead she's just gonna hide in her marriage from a friendship that I really value/valued...because it's just too tough for her to grow up a little bit...

I told Brandi that when she and I were together that I never really though twice about seeing Jenny -- my ex-girlfriend...who called me up about 3 years or so into my relationship with Brandi after a divorce...and feeling depressed and wanting some support:) -- because I was TOTALLY in love with Brandi:):):)...there was no question about my commitments to Brandi...and my commitment to my ex-girlfriend as a friend was equally important to me, and was in no way threatening to my relationship with Brandi:):):)...

...because I was UTTERLY and COMPLETELY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH BRANDI FISHER:):):):):):)...

...and there was nothing she had to worry about:):):):):):)...

...because there was NO WAY IN HELL OR ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I was going to cheat on her or leave her:):):):):):)...because I -- and I hope she -- was COMPLETELY CLEAR about where my love and my commitments lay:)...

And I told Brandi that if she doesn't feel that same way about her husband then she must not really know what love is really like:):):)...because I did/do...and if Brandi is really in love with Greg...as I was with Brandi...

...then there should be no issue in seeing me or talking with me or hanging out...

...and certainly not with returning emails:)...

...and certainly not with returning emails about my grandmother who I'm concerned may not get to see Brandi if Brandi won't initiate a visit before she passes from our lives:(...

And Brandi -- after almost 2 weeks of emails -- still has nothing to say...

I hope Brandi comes back from whereever she's gone...

Because Brandi was/is one of the most remarkable people I've ever met in my life...

And to watch someone of her caliber take this kind of slide is really difficult to helplessly stand by and let happen...

I feel very much like my friend, Todd's, newest character of study:):):)...and a REALLY GREAT idea for an updated play that's he's working on:):):)...

Prometheus...of Aeschylus' ancient greek tragedy, Prometheus Bound:):):):):):)...

Prometheus brings fire to human beings and thus gives them power...

Zeus punishes humans for their new found power...

And Prometheus must stand helplessly by watching human beings suffer with the fire that he brought to them, unable to do anything to end their suffering...

I hope Brandi finds her fire again...because right now she's in a place that I don't know or recognize or understand...one that I don't even have too many details about since she shares so little with me, these days...

And I can only hope that she will dig her way out of whatever hole she's dug herself into...

I've made it all the way through Dar's greatest hits album:):):)...I'm listening to the song that originally roped me into Dar Williams, an artist I first discovered with Brandi, The Christians and the Pagans:):):):):):)...

I hope Brandi will find it in her heart, at some point, to "find faith and common ground," as the Christians and Pagans do in Dar's beautiful little tune:):):)...

In our case, it's really not quite as difficult or as dramatic:):):)...

In Dar's song, the young lesbian pagan couple have not seen or talked with their Christian relatives in quite a while:):):)...

And when Christmas and Solstice brings them together for a common holiday celebration, they seek faith and common ground amidst a significant break in their not-quite-so-close-or-intimate relationship:):):)...

For Brandi and I, it is seeking faith and common ground between a Christian/Pagan/Jew/Buddhist/soft atheist/agnostic/secular humanist/academic and universally spiritual dude and a Reform Jew after two weeks of no mutual communication in a relationship where they have talked almost if not every week for almost 9 years...and who talked EVERY DAY before that, for almost 5 and 1/2 years...

But even though it's only been 2 weeks...it's the longest time I've ever spent not communicating with Brandi that I can remember...and it makes me really sad:(...

Most of all because I don't think I've done anything wrong...

Except be honest with her...

Which is exactly what a friend/best friend does...and which is what I expect and often get from Brandi...and why I've always considered her my best friend...the reason why she sticks out so much...

Because she's always more loving and honest and than any of my friends...

And I miss her loving and honest voice in my life, right now:(...

And as Akon and Alvin of the Chipmunks, sing...it makes me feel...

"Lonely...so lonely"...

There's this girl that Melissa and I saw yesterday eating outside while we were walking down Massachusetts who is really sweet...and really attractive:):):)...and who I know -- from previous, quiet encounters, I know is attracted to me:):):)...she's a real sweetheart:):):)...

I don't even know her name:):):)...but she's a realy sweety:):):)...and very social:):):)...and really outgoing and willing to take social risks:):):)...all reasons that attracted me to Brandi as a human being, nevertheless as a potential friend or girlfriend, when I first met her:):):)...

And right now...I'm trying to let go of my relationship/friendship with Brandi altogether...at least for awhile...until Fisher gets her shit figured out:):):)...

And I think I'll be asking out this girl as soon as I see her again in a setting where I might be able to talk with her/get to know her a little bit:):):)...

And in the meantime:):):)...a friendship with Brandi will just have to wait, I guess, until she can grow up a little bit:):):)...

I sure hope that's sooner rather than later:):):)...

Joel and Julie caught Melissa and I at Borders, last night:):):)...and we went to Liberty to see Woody Allen's newest movie, Melinda, Melida, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone interested:):):)...Woody Allen is still the master:):):)...and this movie demonstrates the staying power of his talents and vision as a filmmaker:):):)...one of his best:):):):):):)...a tribute to theater of the 40's, 50's, and 60's, set in the long view of tragedy and comedy throughout the ages...and set, immediately, in 21st Century New York City, of course:):):):):):)...a really wonderful little story of the wonderful little accidents that lead to love and friendship for all of us:):):):):):)...

I highly recommend:):):)...

And it was really neat to hang out with Joel and Julie and Melissa and Joel and Julie's friend, Joe, and Pam Grout and her new beau, and Matt and everyone else we met and hung with last night:):):)...enjoying time together with people who love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...I love my friends from EMU:):):)...Joel and Julie, in particular:):):)...and Melissa, as always, of course:):):)...

And it was a nice antidote to my lonliness from earlier that day:):):)...and a good memory to help me through lonliness today:):):)...

Thanks to Akon for the beautiful song:):):)...to Woody Allen for the beautiful movie:):):)...

By the way...the reason why I think Melinda, Melinda may be one if not THE BEST Woody Allen film?...

Because...for once:):):):):):)...

Love works out for almost everyone in this movie:):):):):):)...despite themselves:):):):):):)...

And for once, Woody Allen seemed to really believe in love:):):):):):)...

Good for Woody:):):):):):)...and for the rest of us:):):):):):)...

A superb movie:):):)...

And a superb night:):):)...

I hope everyone has a great day:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben