Failure

The more I've thought about it, the more I've come to conclusion that the bottom line is that I failed at Eisenhower.

I have a lot of strong qualities as a teacher. I'm smart. I've got a positive attitude. I have excellent people skills. I genuinely believe that kids who a lot of folks don't necessarily think can do very much can do much more than people give them credit for. I teach kids to the highest standards possible (or at least the highest I know), with realism about how much they are likely to learn how quickly. I have a lot of good qualities as a teacher.

But my organization has been shit, this year. I have improved substantially. I am much more organized, prepared, manage time and resources much better, at this point, and just constantly thinking about all kinds of organizational issues than when I started the year or when I started teaching in November of 2005. The bulk of that has involved getting my head wrapped around it. For whatever reasons, I haven't done that very well up to this point. I think it is likely because I was just so used to running on adrenaline and someone else's structure and organization, in the past, and that these last two years have involved, more than I've experienced in my life, the responsibility to create the structure and provide the organization that I have taken for granted that others have provided for me in the past. I also think is is likely because I was really smart in college and high school and could always get by without it, alright (though this was my most serious challenge all 12 years of my post-secondary experience). And I also think that I was genuinely engaged in more rigorous intellectual thought substantially enough that organization and time management and other such skills seemed kind of mundane and boring.

But mostly I think it is because it has only been in my post-graduate school period of my life when I have much more seriously thought about limits of time and energy and other kinds of limits that presuppose the need for organization, time management, and the such.

But if there is one thing I have learned this year it is that organization is one of the most important skills that a teacher brings to structuring a learning environment and learning experiences for kids, who do not and cannot offer such skills, and which they need to be successful and to learn the lessons they need to learn about how they use their time and engage their efforts and the consequences this has for their learning. And special education, in particular, is a sea of bureaucracy and red tape that must be organized to keep all of the paperwork straight.

I failed to do that well enough and my bosses found someone who could do it better, which is exactly what they should do, in retrospect.

I do think that my other qualities - my intelligence, my people skills, my positive attitude no matter the circumstances and the persistence and determination that come with it, and the fact that I think I genuinely care about a lot of kids that a lot of folks find it very easy to give up on - I think these qualities are likely more important qualities than organization alone. And I also very much resent how aggressively I was treated by my principal and assistant principal this year in ways that completely shut me down, at times, making it difficult to recover emotionally enough to complete the very work that I shared a very strong commitment to. Their treatment was clearly counterproductive.

But the bottom-line is that I failed and my organization was not up to the task.

My principal has a job to do. And part of it means looking after the school around this paperwork and all of the legal and bureaucratic issues that it touches. I think it's a classic case of CYA overwhelming the central mission of a school or an organization. But it's not my call to make.

I failed with a lot of good faith and strong effort and long hours and nights and weekends. And I did it working my damndest to get my head and heart wrapped around all of the challenges that I was facing this first full year of teaching.

But the bottom line is that I failed and my principal brought in someone who could do the job better.

Failing in private is difficult. Failing in public is one of the hardest things I've ever been through. It's really tough watching everyone give you looks like they have to keep their distance for fear of facing the same fate, especially friends. And its really difficult watching everyone give you looks like they told you so and people condescending who haven't give a scintilla of the same effort or thought you've given to both what will make organizations and schools function more effectively and have not a clue what your own experience was with a strategy they are justifying and romatincizing. If there is any reason at all for me to not trust more aggressive strategies to accomplish results with people it is that that strategy both failed so miserably with me and it completely undermined my ability to do a stronger job. All of the intimidation just made a job that was already overwhelming and intimidating enough all that much more intimidating and overwhelming. I have a tough exterior like a lot of folks. I don't like to show when I'm feeling overwhelmed or intimidated. But I felt it enough this year trying to do my best when my weaknesses were all out for everyone to see.

But the bottom line is that I failed. It is something that I will spend my entire summer working to make sure never happens again. And I am working extra duty to make sure that my paperwork is as clean as possible for the guy taking over for me next year.

I know the guy they've hired to take over for me, next year. I like him. He's a good guy and a good teacher. He'll be good for the kids. And I want him to succeed next year.

I have to get out of here before the janitors string me up. They hate it when I stay so late:). But I'm bound and determined to set the next teacher up well as I move on to next position.

Love,
Ben