Education...and life after grad school...

Welp...I was right...

After several months of this whole non-speaking about my education...

I finally confirmed, today, what I've been suspecting for almost the entire time I've been in shipping at Amarr...

Which is that the issue I've been dealing with...

Is peoples' pettiness and jealousy and bullshit around my having so much education...

It came out today in a conversation I had with our supervisor...a guy I respect and like quite a bit, actually...but whom I've been suspecting and was right was treating me bullshit at least in part because of my education...

My friend Deway and I starting having the much more honest conversation, today, about education...about it's importance in life...like it or not...why...how...etc...

I had been getting treated like shit for far too long, up to this point...and it was the only honest conversation to have, at this point...given all the bullshit I've dealt with...

And Ben very nicely, I thought...was making sure that Deway and I weren't going to be at each others' throats:):):)...but clearly with more appreciation for Deway's perspective than mine...since he largely shared Deway's perspective, I think...

That this punk college kid just doesn't ever listen...that it, of course, has nothing to do with anything Ben or Deway may be doing or not doing:):):)...

Deway, remember, is one of my very closest friends at Amarr...I still consider him one of my closest friends...even though he acted colder today...

And Ben I respect quite a bit...he knows his shit...and I respect that in a lead...that they know what they're doing...and didn't just get promoted through the ranks for stupider reasons...including that they have more education...which is a really stupid reason to promote or hire people into management positions, I think, generally...since education doesn't guarantee a damn thing -- at least with making and shipping garage doors -- in terms of knowing what you're doing and working with people...though it can help:):)...

But having an education...and being book smart, as people with less education often refer to it...doesn't hurt for goodness fuckin' sakes...and it doesn't at all mean that you can't learn on the job...to the contrary...it's definitely an advantage...

If you're not dealing with the huge fuckin' chips that most people carry on their shoulders about how smart they think they are or aren't all the time, that is...

And what Ben and Deway are having a hard time facing...

Is that I am learning quite a bit from them...

But the truth is...they are both stubborn as hell about learning much from me...

And in the meantime...on the inside...they are saying to themselves...

"Fuckin' college kid...thinks he knows everything...I don't need no college...college don't mean shit..."

Blah...blah-blah...blah-blah...blah-blah...
blah-blah...

A whatever million other rationalizations that people like Deway and Ben have for why college is no good anyway...and it's not their own stubborness that keeps them from learning...that it's the uselessness of college or education or whatever...

Not that they're just stubborn motherfuckers not wanting to face their own limitations on this one...and how it impacts even something as simple as shipping garage doors at Amarr...

So...

Ben's asking me -- jokingly -- how a college kid like me could make mistakes that I make at Amarr...and -- jokingly -- why I didn't learn about this kind of stuff in college:):):)...

And I'm like, "Of course they don't teach about working tiers in college"...

And I'm thinking...this is a fuckin' garage door warehouse...it's not like it's rocket-science to work a fuckin' tier for goodness fuckin' sakes...because if it was...this department would be in deep fuckin' shit:):):)...because I don't see any fuckin' rocket scientists around here:):):)...

I'm taking Deway's and Ben's feedback, mind you...and try to make that clear as much as possible...

But what Deway and Ben are both working on is how they have tough conversations...Ben is better at them...but he also feels uncomfortable with conflict in a way that I am not...because I do policy for a living for goodness fuckin' sakes...conflict is the name of the game in my line of work...and not just any conflict...but the deepest, most profound issues in life are the subject of the conflict that I am used to engaging in:):):)...

So garage doors seem like a piece of cake to have an argument about, really:):):)...because...at the end of the day:):):)...they're just garage doors:):):)...

Anyway...the point for me is...

That...paradoxically...

I think these really honest conversations (I hope) have brought all of us closer together, actually...rather than further apart...

I know that Deway and I are fairly close (no matter what he was saying last night:):):)...

And I'm positive that Ben and I have gotten closer than when he first became our supervisor:):):)...when I was still just this punk college kid who he was sure thought had all the answers (which wasn't and still is not true)...

Now I'm someone he can rely on to be fairly reasonable, I think...and to explain, better, his reasoning on issues that he needs communicated with the guys...which they don't always understand very well, at first...

And hopefully he notices that I'm not someone who bitches about every last little stupid thing at Amarr...as most of the guys do...

That the conflict I engage in involves important shit...not the menial bullshit...which I let go of all the time...

It's a start, this conversation...

After feeling really discouraged...

And for me it was a serious reality check...and a confirmation of what I've been concerned about...

That many of the issues that I've had with people in the last 2 and a half years out of school...

Have involved this conversation in the background...

That I'm just some punk college kid...some Ph.D. wannabe...some overeducated idiot...or whatever...

That rationalizes for people...why I'm not worth listening to...and why I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about...even when I do...

And often...even when I clearly do...and more than the person I'm talking with...

Because often it's not about having an honest and fair conversation...

It's about a big emotional defense...a big chip on peoples' shoulders...that people just don't understand their brilliance...and people with more education than them DEFINITELY don't understand their brilliance...because they've got all that useless education...and they just don't have common sense (meaning they're not stupid enough:):):)...

And it's one long load of bullshit...

That I am far beyond sick and tired of getting from people...

And my attitude at this point is...

If you want to be left behind with all the dumbasses of the world...

Then by all means...

But it wasn't because I didn't try to as nicely as possible bring you into a smarter world...

It's because you were too goddamned stubborn to get over yourself...and to realize that, generally...though I was probably also challenging you...I was also, generally, supporting the hell out of you too (there are some exceptions I can think of to that rule...and they involve people who have been nasty with me with no let up...so they can fuckin' deal, frankly...little fuckin' babies)...

But the truth is that when I say I don't want anyone left behind...

I mean it...

Meaning...

A lot of intellectuals give up on the idea that everyone can be smart...

Because of all the bullshit that I'm dealing with now...

But I believe that everyone is smart, in some way, at least...and everyone can be smart...in the conventional way that we think of smart...

And in the meantime...I don't think it's healthy to have this world of have and have-nots when it comes to smarts...which impacts the world of haves and have-nots in so many other ways, as well...

And the truth is...that though I'm sure I can always get better at this...

That...generally...I am probably one of the coolest motherfuckers that you will meet around this issue...

For one, I really care about people...even when they don't reciprocate...

And I don't condescend people...

But if you're not going to be condescended...

Then you're going to have to deal with being challenged...

Because it's the only way to improve...

And I'm up to the challenge of working at a garage door warehouse...

The question is if the guys I'm with are up to the challenge of learning that things I have to offer to make this place run better...

And I think they are...

And if they're not...then they need to just be honest with me and with themselves about their conceding defeat...

Rather than treating me like shit because they don't want to face their own goddamn egos...

I am really tired of this in my life, frankly...

I haven't had to deal with this like I've had to deal with it until the last couple of years out of grad school...

And saying that it and its consequences for my life have been overwhelming is putting it really mildly...

I've lost jobs over this...I've been treated really seriously unfairly several times over this...at jobs...by friends...by family...by my professors, I'm convinced...by my best friend, up until recently...Brandi...

By everyone I am close to and not so close to in my life...

And it's bullshit...and it's unfair...and I'm tired of it...

And it's about goddamn time that people started doing the tough work...of taking responsibility for their bullshit on this one...

Ayn's Rand wrote a really excellent novel about this theme...it's called Atlas Shrugged (actually it's a theme in much of Ayn's work)...

It's about a engineer -- John Galt -- who convinces brilliant businessmen all over the world...to leave their businesses...and to join him in a secret society of rationalists...to shrug, so to speak...and, as if the Greek hero, Atlas...allow the globe -- that Atlas was fabled to carry on his back -- to fall from their shoulders and to come tumbling down...

And I've been learning that shrugging only goes so far...

That...eventually...people have to start learning to pick up the ball on this one...

And stop being so damned stubborn and self-centered...and stop being such assholes...

To face their bullshit like big people...

And stop treating me like shit...

Because I'm goddamn tired of it...

And I can't keep being friends with people who are going to treat me like shit...and then pretend that they're not really treating me like shit...

If that's what you're doing...FUCK YOU...you deal with your own bullshit...and stop treating me like shit because you feel bad about yourself...

Get over yourself...and get some humility...so you can get smarter...not keep trying to bring me down to make you feel good...which isn't gonna work....for you or for me...

And the irony is...that...generally...I totally support people at what their good at...

Even working a fuckin' tier or loading or staging or whatever the fuck at a fuckin' garage door warehouse...

But most people don't ever support me with a hundreth of the support that I give to them...so much do they take it for granted...

And fuck you for both taking me for granted...and taking all the support I give to you for granted in the meantime...

Face the bullshit...and stop making me eat it...so you won't have to deal with it...

I'm tired of dealing with this...

And if I'm not hanging out...this might have something to do with that, I imagine...

I could talk about this for hours...but I'm not going to...so I don't tax people more than I already tax them...

But I needed to talk about it...

Because it was nice to finally get it out in the open, at work, at least...and get a serious reality check for the bullshit I've been dealing with for the last 2 and a half years...

I hope everyone has a good day:):):)...

Love,
Ben