Heroes risk their lives and careers. Cowards cover their asses.

Richard Holbrooke has an excellent review of Mordecai Paldiel's new book, Diplomat Heroes of the Holocaust. His is an excellent reminder that moral courage is a rare quality, not a common one. And that most people fail it.

Defying Orders, Saving Lives: Heroic Diplomats of the Holocaust

Cowards follow orders, even when it means the lives or fortunes or heartache of others. People of courage operate out of conscience.

It is a lesson that Freda Ogburn, Marsha Cowan, and many, many people would do well to learn.

But most people fail this test of their character as Paldiel reminds us. Most people follow orders. Because the threat of enough aggression can make cowards of any of us, really, no matter how courageous, is the truth. For awhile, that is.

But as Hitler learned the hard way, that soon turns around. Because people of genuine courage and decency beat assholes with aggressive and indecent intent any fuckin' day of the fuckin' week, in the big picture and in the long term that counts.

And every fuckin' political bully that is bathing in their newfound glory and power can take that sentiment to the fuckin' bank.

Or, like Hitler, they will learn that more genuine liberal democratic values trump force and the abuse of power soon enough.

Speaking of heroes, this is what one looks like.

Officials: Barak wins Israeli party race

Ehud Barak put everything on the line for those Camp David Accords. Yasser Arafat left him hanging and the Likud and the Israeli people decided to go back to their old ways and give them a try. The last 6 years has been one long and bloody lesson in the ways of warfare trying to replace the more genuine path of peace in Israel and Palestine. Someone of courage puts it all on the line and loses, if necessary, so that the right priorities get accomplished. Someone of cowardice covers their asses at the expense of doing the right thing. We all have plenty of courage and cowardice in us. But the good guys shore up their courage and win out in the end. That was the most important lesson I took from Stephen Ambrose's military history. And he's right.

And the cowards who are animating the current political period will learn that lesson, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Love,
Ben

Tony Blair gets it right and media folks hate it

I have to say that the news media are the archetypal bullies. They love pushing people around. But they whine like little babies when they get called on the carpet for it.

Blair Likens News Media to 'Ferral Beast'

Tony Blair is exactly right. The major problem in the last 6 years or so is a news media that has figured out that it has power and has been abusing it for as long as they can get away with it.

It's the dark side of DeToqueville's truism about the media. 200 years ago, Alexis DeToqueville observed that the beauty of democracy in the new world of the United States was how people came together in voluntary organizations, like the news media, to engage important questions of life and governance. And journalists, among all of such citizens, were the most influential on the public morality of the day. It was a terribly accurate observation, and we are seeing the ugly side of how an aggressive media abuses that trust and power in the last few years.

From Walter Reed to Alberto Gonzalez to Don Imus to the war in Iraq, the media, forever convinced of their unassailable wisdom about anything and everything have done exactly what Tony Blair has argued in his speech: they use their ability to scandalize and rip people to shreds to get their way on any particular news item of the day. It's political bullying, pure and simple, and it is the ugliest display of a failure of journalistic integrity in any era that I have seriously followed the media.

The folks at the Guardian and others who have commented on Blair's comments of course hate them. Because the media love to criticize, attack, take down, and otherwise tear apart anyone in public life, except for themselves. And Tony Blair does not offer an attack, a take down or a tearing apart in these comments. He offers honest, legitimate, and accurate criticism.

And the folks who responded hate it because like every bully that has ever hit the block, they are as thin-skinned as they are determined to get their way. It's an ugly display. And unworthy of an international liberal democratic culture.

And good for Tony Blair for calling this feral beast on its bullshit. E.J. Dionne, Bill O'Reilly, and so many people in between who love to bathe in their power to tear others apart and who carry the thinnest skin possible when criticized for even legitimate mistakes on their part.

Jesus' approbation was better aphorism. We tend to pluck the splinters from the eyes of others and to ignore our own beams because it is much more difficult to look at yourself than it is to judge someone else.

It's an ugly, ugly display.

And it has completely drained my trust in the media, in politicians, and in everyone who is engaged in this ugly, aggressive, forceful, meanspirited charade, right now.

I have no heroes in the media. Because how could I, really. Noone seems to be able to rise above this ugliness masquerading as righteousness. It's fundamentalism of another stripe. Bowing before the shrine of Woodward and Bernstein, and seeing how many of the bums you can take down before you can call yourself a journalistic prophet.

And it is exactly what folks in liberal democracies should expect when they treat politics like professional wrestling rather than engaged thought and discussion. You decide you want to use politics to vent every ugly impulse you have. Then you get this cynical, ugly, meanspirited mess that you create with that mentality. The media is pandering to it, right now, because it satisfies their most cynical and power-craving urges. And because, as Tony suggests, they suspect that it was their less critical public demands. And they will continue to engage this bullshit until people like Tony, me and whomever else cares to lend a voice to this discussion expects better of them.

The truth is that such nastiness is worthy of noone's ear. I have lost interest and trust in the people who do it. And I, for one, expect better of them.

Love,
Ben

New feelings, old feelings

I've met a girl in my practicum that has me facing some pretty difficult feelings. She's nice and smart. Just the combination I'm looking for.

Today, when I was hanging out with her, I found myself asking myself, "Does this mean that Brandi is gone forever?"

It's had me hurting ever since I thought that.

I miss Brandi something awful is the truth. I miss how much she opened up my heart and my life. I miss our experiences together, in Wichita, in D.C., in Lawrence, and in Kansas City. I miss being able to reminisce with someone about the most mind-opening, open-hearted time in my life. I miss having a real connection to that time in my life. I hate all of the cynicism I encounter in adults. And I miss having a companion who shared and nurtured my idealism, before she got swallowed up by all of the cynicism that is so plentiful in the world, I'm afraid.

Most adults are pretty cynical, is the truth. As Joe says in Joe Vs. Volcano, when they were young they were full of piss and vinegar. They wanted to know. Everything. And then they had some experiences.

Most adults get hurt. And their hearts start to close up. And the cynicism begins to creep in and take over so much of their hearts and minds and outlooks on life. It's kind of sad, really. And Brandi is no different, I'm convinced, though I haven't seen her in 5 years or so, so it's hard to confirm that.

And right now is a moment when cynicism is getting far too much play in our lives, because we've decided to give into it and to empower it, even when, down deep in our hearts, we know better.

I miss not having all this pain and cynicism clogging up my heart. I miss being able to listen to a young love song and not feel pity or cynicism because I think my pain means more than it really does. I miss not having all this shit on my heart to try to filter all my experiences in the world, through. And I especialy miss a time when the all the responsible people I knew in the world weren't trying to convince me, all the time, that the cynical realities of the world were the ones I should settle for because their hearts were too lost in their pain and disappointment with the world. Fuck their pain, I say. They don't want to deal with it and get over it, then shut the fuck up and stop trying to pull young people down into your pain and cynicism.

I miss experiencing that kind of unqualified, uncynical, unbaggaged kind of love. The kind that you don't think about, because you're too busy just loving it.

That pain hangs on my heart like a bad cold that just won't go away.

I love the idea of meeting someone new. But I hate the idea of giving up my memories of my beautiful little romance with Brandi. And my heart is aching for it, tonight.

Love,
Ben

Good conversation

My practicum experience is going really well, right now. I say that cautiously, anymore, after absorbing so much school politics in my last situation. But I really like my cooperating teacher. Bill has been great. He's helpful, patient, gentle, nice, smart. He's easily the best cooperating teacher I've worked with. It's refreshing after many bad cooperating teacher situations, with the exception of my gifted and special education practicums.

Bill and I can sit and talk for hours about matters of substance. He was also a special education Ph.D. student at KU, so we have that to talk about, too. And he's the first teacher to really help me with classroom organizational habits, and I really appreciate that. It's been so long since I've had a really rigorous conversation, and it's really nice to have them reguarly again.

It's kind of renewing my faith in education, again, where I've kind of had my faith shaken, lately. The whole faculty seems very nice and supportive. And it is nice to not have to deal with the school politics of contending with teachers who are more aggressive and more used to scapegoating more supportive, decent, patient teachers as being the source of all of their problems that they haven't spent enough time thinking about. That and administrators being convinced that they could create sustainable change with aggression was the most stressful part of working at Eisenhower that I am happy to be away from, frankly.

There is another teacher, Patrick, in the building who also does a very nice job with kids and who I observed, today. It was very nice to see him both have a fairly calm classroom and to have high academic standards for kids. Patrick had stations set up so he could work one-on-one with kids in turns, he hold high expectations with kids when he works with them and uses our wage system to reward kids for good work, and he seems to be making an organized effort to make sure that kids have basic skills like multiplication down, an important priority for me, last year. I learned a lot in the one hour I spent with him, especially a very nice affirmation that patience and assertiveness are both important qualities for working with kids with academic and behavior issues. He seems like a really nice guy. We'll have to hang out sometime soon.

Women have been totally coming out of the woodwork in this practicum. There is one girl, in particular, Tiffany, who is really nice and seems really smart who I'd kind of like to get to know better. I had this brief moment, today, when I thought, "Uh. I like this girl so much I'm thinking about Brandi being gone from my life forever. And it makes me really sad." I can't really tell if that's a good sign or not, because the idea of Brandi only being a memory from here on out really leaves me feeling empty in a very special place in my heart and my memory. The fact that I could never adequately share that place with someone else and that only Brandi would ever really have an inkling of why that time was so special to me is what is saddest and lonliest. It will take a very special woman to fill that void for me.

I hope Brandi emails me/calls me one of these days. I don't want that time to just be a memory.

And the woman who has to fill her shoes will have to be a pretty special woman. So it makes dating a much more complicated, difficult experience. I don't want to be thinking about how in love I was with some woman from the past. I want to think about how in love I am with the woman I am in love with. But it will take an awfully special woman to make that happen.

It keeps me grounded. Because I know that there is nothing in the world like being love, for real with no qualifications. And I'll never be really happy again until I find that, I'm completely convinced.

I have work to get done. I just also have pain on my heart that is so hard to let go of completely. I need someone in my life who I can share it all with. So maybe I can have a shot at letting in go.

Love,
Ben