Getting honest with myself about Brandi Fisher

I figure I've written enough bad about Brandi that I might as well write what's really in my heart.

The truth is Brandi's not a bad person, in the least. The truth is that she's a great girl. And I just miss her. And I regret everything I did to push her away. And everything I've ever done in my life to push people away. And I'm disappointed in her and think it's monumentally unfair that she went for a guy with money in his future. It lessens what I felt for Brandi, because what I felt was more real than all that. And I feel a little taken to have invested so much into someone who may likely be someone who didn't really deserve all that trust and love. Everyone deserves love. But I deserve as much as I give, I think. And Brandi just didn't have it to give. At least not at the rates that I was paying.

I'm a little embittered by how much pain Brandi chose to cause me at every step along the way. And my solace is that every time I lose a relationship, a better one comes along that leaves me putting the last one into perspective.

I just miss her. And I feel cheated that I lost all contact with her for reasons I'm not convinced are on the up and up.

And I just wish more people gave a shit for real so I could be more sure that Brandi was just a mirage and there's someone more real who would be a better match for me.

I'm sure I'll come across someone like that soon enough. Or at least someone who will step up to the plate.

Because I won't settle for less. It's just not my style. And my heart will never feel a real connection with someone in any other way besides.

I would say that this is all a mistake. Except that every time I feel more genuine love in my life, I know it's what I live for.

The truth is that I don't give a shit, at all, about how smart or pretty or monied or cultured or any of that shit that a woman is. All those things are great.

But what I really value in people and what I really valued in Brandi was what kind of heart they have. I happen to be a smart guy with a heart. But if you make me choose to spend my time with people with less smarts but more heart or people with more brains but less real concern for others, I'll take the folks with more heart any day of the week.

And I loved that about Brandi for as long as I knew her. And I miss it about her. And I miss the person I could count on to take that set of priorities seriously. Because that's what I loved about her.

And my heart was broken to lose her. And then to lose contact with her. And it always hurts to lose people in our life whose hearts are strongest, is the truth. No matter how much we bullshit otherwise.

I'm sorry to have lost her. And then to have lost her all over again when she decided that we couldn't be friends, anymore. And then to have lost so much in my life since then.

And I wish I could turn back a million clocks to avoid all that loss and pain. But I can't. So it lives on my heart until I can finally let it go for good.

Let that be sooner rather than later.

Love,
Ben