This entry is for me...

This entry is for me...

I know that it makes Brandi uncomfortable for me to blog about her, but I blog about the most important thoughts I have, in the moment, and this is the one, at this moment...so for those who don't want to read about me writing about my ex-girlfriend, this is your time to avert your delicate eyes:):):)...

There is one most important thing that I miss about Brandi that is far too rare in most people...

I am so impressed with the progress we've made here at Eisenhower with people dreaming bigger and taking on stronger commitments -- just as people, more than as teachers -- than they might otherwise do...

But the one most frustrating thing that I deal with in my life day-in and day-out...is the lack of responsibility that most people feel...for things bigger than themselves...for people other than themselves...for ideals that might otherwise improve their lives, if they would just break out of the rut their lives have been in the last 50 years:):):) (I'm exaggerating, of course:):)...but you get the point:):)...

The most important thing I miss about Brandi...aside from her really pretty adorable personality...and her independent thinking and that she almost always had something substantive to say on just about any topic...

Was her sense of responsibility...for the world beyond her...and just generally...

I get so tired of listening to so many people...almost everywhere I've worked outside of school...

Spend so much useless energy...trying to get out of responsibilities that might otherwise serve them if they would take them on...

And I'm thinking about how much I took for granted with Brandi...that she was someone who was always saying, "I can...how do we get it done"...

Brandi was not someone who was looking for ways to get out of important responsibilities...she was not someone who was always bitching about stuff, generally, unless it was a legitimate bitch (although I suspect that she held stuff back from me...just watching her choices after we broke up)...the bureaucracy at KU, for instance, which was a headache and a half to deal with, was a constant source of frustration for Brandi...

And my skepticism of the ability for schools to change through dialogue was for good reason (I felt and feel that people who know the best what they're doing -- namely scholars -- need to be intimately involved with those discussions)...but it also left Brandi feeling unsupported and her efforts denigrated around work that it turns out is critically important to school reform and will not be able to happen without the efforts of people like Brandi...and me, now...in private or public schools or in almost any major or minor organization, really...

That work, fundamentally, is about people...and you just need people who understand people, better, to create the space for them to have difficult discussions that give them a voice and invite them to take thoughtful responsibility for the process and the results...

I think I understand that work better, now, than Brandi does...

But one thing that I really miss about Brandi is that...

Brandi was always the type of person to say, "How can I help?"...she was not someone always trying to balk at responsibility...which is what too many...most...people do...

And I miss having a friend who I could count on to take responsibility...and to have something substantive to say when it came to discussions about how to improve things...

And who I could have those conversations with...because I was talking to someone who, generally...cared...

Most people aren't like that...it's a damn shame...

And it makes you really appreciate people who are like that...

And Brandi is one of the better ones I've met in my life...

After meetings like the ones that I had today and have every day...

I just once want to be able to go to a bar with someone who when I say, "Most people waste so much time trying to weasel their way out of responsibility"...who when I say that, they would understand...

Maybe Brandi wouldn't understand that bitch, these days...I don't have any communication with her, at all, to know...

But I would like to find someone...a guy friend...a girlfriend...someone...to just sit and have that complaint and have them be someone who really understands what I mean...

And it would be even better if I could say...

"The pathetic thing is that it is politicians who are some of the worst at taking responsibility...and these people make all kinds of important decisions for all of the rest of us"...

...and I had someone around who knows what I mean...

Usually I just listen to silence when I say something like that, these days...

Because most people are kind of clueless is the truth...

But it would be nice to have someone around who understood...just once...

Because it isn't most teachers, that's for sure...

And it isn't most people in corporate America...or in non-profits...or anywhere, really...

Most people are kind of whiny...and are constantly trying to weasel their way out of responsibilities...particularly ones imposed upon them...I definitely complain about responsibilities imposed upon me that I'm in good faith on...and which imposition disrespects both my good faith and my sense of judgment and priorities which is stronger than most peoples' by far, I think...

But it sure would be nice to be able to go to a bar and share that thought with someone who really knows what I'm talking about...

I don't have anyone in my life like that, right now...

And it was nice for the brief time I had it...

Maybe I'm bullshitting myself...maybe Brandi was more quiet than I remember...and was just not as invested as I am...

But that's not the Brandi I remember...

I want to go take that beer break with someone...

But the truth is...there's noone to take it with...

Who really gives enough of a shit for me to really let my hair down...

Maybe I'll take it anyway...and finish up these IEP's back in Lawrence...

Have a great week, everyone...

Love,
Ben