What we need...is more honesty...

We had teacher-parent conferences, today...

It was a great day, overall...some really great conversations with some folks...getting some kids focussed in much better directions (I had a parent who I think was kind of attracted to me...and I was kind of attracted back, frankly...though I don't know if anything would come of it:):)...

Another teacher and I had a confrontation, today...it was really infuriating, in the moment...I had to vent with three people about this particular confrontation and the general issues around it that I have been having with several teachers resisting my efforts and the efforts of other folks...to...at the core...to believe in students...all of them...and to stop giving up on them...to commit to them...even when they're not sure if they will succeed...I'm not sure if they'll succeed much of the time, either...but I damn well know that I'm committed to their success and will do everything in my power to guarantee that success...

I was really worried, afterwards...and beyond angry...I had listened to this same teacher making cynical comments about kids, generally, and the most difficult kids, in particular, since my very first day here at Eisenhower 3 months ago...

And I was fed up...

The thing that I think creates so much conflict between me and other teachers...and also me and other people...

Is that...

I do not give up on people...period...

And it infuriates the fuck out of people who do give up on kids or people, in one capacity or another...

And they are so used to people in my situation giving up...

They're so used to young people, in particular, like me, just rolling over and letting them spew their cynicism like it should be taken more seriously than it should...

And I just don't...and I won't...and if you haven't spent enough time with me the thing you will learn is that I am stubbornly hopeful...and if people don't like that then too fuckin' bad, whoopty-fuckin'-do for you and everyone else who would talk me and everyone like me down...

Now...this teacher clearly cares about kids...I mean, why else would she do this work...and she's a good woman...in a serious way...and I very much appreciate her presence here...and her commitment to teaching these kids...

Some of the kids are right...she does have something of an attitude...and everyone knows it...and noone talks with her about it...and this was probably the first time she'd been called on it in a long time...

I did not set out to call her out, at all...I was just tired of hearing her complaining and whining about kids for three months, now, and hearing her say, in essence, that my kids were going to jail and we were just a holding tank in the meantime, just was over the line for what my patience could manage in the moment...and so we had a confrontation about it...

We seem to be ok, now...and that seems to be the trend...which is good...

Because who needs a workplace where you have to tiptoe around speaking your mind, really...I mean, what a fuckin' load of shit is that?...and teachers have to do that shit quite enough as it is, thank you very much...so the least we can do is talk openly and honestly around one another (I don't cuss this much, as school, by the way...which is a burden because I'm having to be careful about my language all the time...our conflict was on the substance of whether we should bet for or against kids, no matter who they are, sans cussing)...

And the whole thing made me realize...

That the reason why there's so little trust in this world...in addition to us not being able to be ourselves with one another...our total selves...warts and all...

Is that we just aren't honest enough with each other, most of the time...

Much of the time we create that...by punishing the shit out of one another for being ourselves...warts and all...

Rush Limbaugh and ESPN is an excellent example of that, I think...

Rush makes what I think was probably a racist comment in good faith...he says that Donovan McNabb is a media darling because he's black and because the liberal media want a black quarterback to succeed even when Donovan is not...

Now...I don't follow football careful enough to settle this matter with authority...but I do know that Donovan McNabb is one of the more respected quarterbacks in the league...and that my friends who do watch football say that he puts up the numbers to back that up...

But...right or wrong...I didn't want Rush fired for that comment...Rush made a stupid comment...and as far as I'm concerned that's where it should end...he makes stupid, racist comment...people disagree...it gets criticized...and we all get on with our small little lives without trying to make people be something they're not just because we don't like they're warts...

And that's who we all should be able to be around one another, I think...

Ourselves...

For better and for worse...

I do think we sometimes need breaks...particularly when many among us are being recalcitrant and just can't take responsibility for themselves...

But that happens better, I think...when they've got adequate room to do it...

And when they have reality checks from enough sources...when they aren't always been enabled and reinforced for bad behavior by everyone around them...

But that should be the end of it...we fuck up...we get feedback and reality checks...and we move the fuck on...and we learn to take that feedback better and better over time...

We all have limits for what we can handle, emotionally...

And we all learn to enlarge those limits and our emotional capacity and our patience for one another and our perspective on what really matters in life...

By forgiving one another...and practicing it...again and again...over and over...as long as it's needed...

We don't ignore hurtful or bad behavior...we just give each other better and more honest feedback...so that we can learn to make better and better choices, over time...

And...patiently...

We will get better at being better human beings...

And we will also get better at having more patience for ourselve and others while we and they become better human beings...

You know what I think about my friendships where we aren't talking, right now (and have thought for some time, without an avenue to do anything about it, since communication has been shut down on the other ends of each friendship)...

That we need more openness...and honesty...and discussion...and open sharing of feelings as much and as well as thoughts...

After these conflicts at school...

I can see, now...

I can't stop believing...

I have to have hope...

I just do...

And you know what we need more of, in this world...

More honesty...

More being ourselves...for real...no bullshit...

We need more openness...we need more sharing of ourselves...warts and all...

And we need all the bullshit with people trying to punish and fight and fire and otherwise hurt one another for being ourselves to go away...for us to put it up...and to leave it alone...

And to learn to trust one another, better, as a consequence...

It would be better for us...all of us...

I know this has everything to do with all of the situations I'm troubled by...

And the truth is that I've tried, on my end...an awful lot, really...

And my friends have each lamed out, frankly...and shut me out...not vice versa, at all...my door has been wide open...

I'm sure...in all their own ways...

They've done exactly what this teacher was doing...

They gave up...

Which has everything to do with why we're having conflict...

Because I just refuse to give up...

I just won't do it...

My last therapist thought it was what causing all the trouble in my life...

And he right...

It's just that I was right, too...

Not giving up on humanity is the right thing to do...

Most people just don't want to do the work that's involved for keeping hope alive...

And so I'll do some of the work for them, is my thinking...

But...similar to my philosophy of teaching and people and life...

I can only do some of the work...

Ultimately...you...they...everyone has to pick up the ball with me...

And I won't play ball any other way...

Except at my best...

And others can follow along...

But we will all be playing at our best as long as I'm around...

And I'll keep raising the standard...for myself...and for others...

Till the day I die...

And one day...I hope...some kid...or kids...will come along...and kick my lilly fuckin' ass at this stuff...and I will follow them...because they'll have more than one or two things to show me:):):):):):)...

And that's the way the world should work...

But...too often...it doesn't work that way...

The way it works is that people wanting to change the way we do things to make them better...

Face all this resistance...from people who are pretending or defending or excusing how the fucked up parts about right now...

And a whole truckload of other people...often young people...but also often just all of us...against one another...

Are pushing each other too hard...when people aren't ready...and they do tend to push back...

And...like this historical moment...

They each push back and forth...back and forth...back and forth...not accomplishing a goddamn thing...and everyone digging in their heels even further...while people push...

Rather than think...

All this hurt I've been through...

It's got me all broken, inside...all kinds of hard edges...all kinds of distrust...

I've got a girl in the building that I really like, now...every time I see her, I can hardly concentrate on what she's saying...I just sit and admire how vulnerable she is...how sweet she is...how much she loves these kids...how confident and strong and independent she is...a lot of same qualities I found in Brandi when I met her...

Except that I'm more rough around the edges, these days...

I'm stronger, too, to be sure...

But I don't like how scared I feel, these days, as well as strong...and I want to let it all go...

But I still feel it...

Like my body is full of broken glass, as Annie Lennox would say...

It's been bugging me in a major way, the last couple of days...

And I want to let it go, so bad...

I want to ask this girl to go hang out...nothing heavy...just friends...just get to know one another...a movie...working together...it doesn't matter to me...

I just want to chill a little with her...and get to know her...

And maybe have someone to talk with, honestly...about what I see during the day...about hopes and dreams and aspirations...about life...and about who were are, for real...on our own...and with one another...

I want someone who I just be myself...and not be all scared...and feel confident that they will be learning and growing with me, too...

And that they're tough enough...to stick out the hard stuff...and to not go running...when things aren't working out, as well...

I've done it...I've had it done to me...

Generally...I've kept the door open longer, in those situations...

Because I just work at it more...I forgive more...I love more...and I work harder at it...and a lot of people...most people...kind of lame out...when the going gets tough...I'm learning...

I just want a friend...

Someone I can be completely honest with...

And someone who will understand...

I've never met anyone completely like me...

And truth be told...I'm not looking for someone completely like me...

Just someone enough like me...that we can learn together...where the burden is shared, more...and not one that I'm constantly carrying on my own back...

The broken places are all those places inside me...where I still have to forgive...

Tom...Brandi (and Greg)...Jas...the guys at Amarr, still, some...Lyle...CLO and Andrea Devlin...my mom, still, some...and my dad, more recently...

And every place where someone else decides that they don't want to forgive...and want to put it on my plate, instead...

And all the places where people decide that being a dick is a better option than being thoughtful...

You know why young people are so much more idealistic than older people...

Because we haven't treated them enough like shit, yet, to backload their capacity for working to forgive us...

That could change if we can't get off of it...

Perhaps we do want a world where we aren't forgiven for how shitty we treat people...and where we don't forgive people for how shitty they treat us...

Places like Palestine...and North Korea...and Iraq...and China...and Syria...and all kinds of places where force is more the rule than the exception...because they've just given up on being decent to one another, altogether...and because they treat each other so terribly that they just can't tell the difference, any more...

The difference between being good...

And looking like you're being good...

Rather than creating more freedom...for us to be honest with ourselves, as much as with one another...about how good or bad we're being...

Freedom...and the democracy that makes that freedom possible...is the context for that kind of honesty...

A free world to be who we are...and to deal with the natural consequences of our behavior...and we learn the lesson...and move on with our lives...

That is more possible in a place like the United States...

Because there's more freedom, here...and, thus, more genuine moral responsibility...and, thus, more of the most important responsibility that, frankly, makes all of the other responsibilities possible...

More forgiveness...

And the love...and compassion...and decency...that flow from that forgiveness...

The Muslim world, at this very moment in history...with the insane reaction to these cartoons out of Denmark...

Is illustrating what the world looks like...when fragile, oversensitive, bullies have their hand at things...

And the stronger path...

Is more love and forgiveness and openness...to all of ourselves...our strengths and our flaws...the good with the bad...

We can forgive those Muslims killing and hurting others because of their inexperience with the norms of free and democratic peoples...

But there is no reason that we need to lower our standards of civilization...just because a few bullies want to pressure and threaten the world into cowing to their demands about free and democratic dialogue...

You know what I say about that whole mess?...

Fuck 'em...they need to grow up to our higher standards of freedom and thought...and not us bow down to their lower standards of fragility and narrow-mindedness and bullying to get their way...

And that's the same way I feel about the whole fuckin' world, frankly...

And if anyone thinks different...they better have a coherent argument for it...and not just another complaint about how it upsets their tummy...and certainly not just another creative excuse for why they're such an ass...

Because whining...just makes you a fragile little bitch, in my book...

And I won't take you too seriously, frankly...until you've given it it up...

All of the best literature and music and movies and theater and art of our civilization...has pointed us, always, in a more liberal (small "l" liberal...meaning, broad-minded and open-minded and thoughtful and freedom-loving and tolerant and inclusive) direction...it's taught us to be more loving and forgiving and accepting of others and their differences...it's encouraged more freedom to make more and better choices...it's enouraged education to make more thoughtful and smarter choices...it's encouraged us to always see one another in more universal and empathetic terms...to understand one another, better, as like ourselves...rather than different...

That is the greatest legacy that humanity has to offer us...

And the greatest part of that legacy...

Is the responsibility for us...to enlarge...constantly...forever...till the end of humanity...

There will never be a time when that is done...except when humanity doesn't exist any more...which I hope is a long way off if ever a possibility...

And that legacy has withstood the test of time...because it enlarges us...individually...and culturally...and as a society...it has us always getting bigger...and wiser...and more commitment to our humanity and the humanity of others...

It is hard goddamn work...that's for sure...

But it's work well worth it...

It is the most important work that we will do in our lives, frankly...

Most everything else is either minutia, by comparison...

Or counterproductive or destructive of this more central principal of life...

And our failure to make that commitment...

Makes us smaller people...

And hardly worth people giving too much mind to what we say and think...if it makes it more difficult for bigger people...to get the important work of life done...

My therapist was wrong...

My determination...my persistence...is my biggest strength...it's just frustrating...for people who don't want to face the broken places inside themselves...

That stand in the way...of their free and full commitment...to playing their part...in a larger humanity...

I do want to thank Desmond Tutu...and Pablo Freire...and Martin Luther King...and Mohatma Ghandi...and Henry David Thoreau...and the Buddha...and Jesus Christ...for pointing me in the direction of forgiveness, as the better direction for humanity...

To help me see, better, the patterns of retribution and ugliness, and, at times, oppression, and, at the extremes, aggressive militarism and genocide, that people engage in, far too much of the time, when they fail to make that kind of commitment to their humanity...no matter how much they cloak it in legal or political language that makes them and their intentions look better than they really are...

And the need, persistently, for a higher standard...

No matter how much too many people settle for a lower standard...

Just one higher standard, the example of Jesus of Nazareth taught me...can change the world...

And I believe that:):):)...

And Jesus never had to hurt me once to teach me that lesson...

And he suffered an awful lot...because people of his time could not...

I'm gonna head home and get some sleep:):):)...watch a movie, or something:):):)...

I hope everyone has a great night:):):)...

Love,
Ben