What's wrong with us?...

...people, I mean...

Why are we always looking for who's better?...

Who's smarter?...who's stronger?...who's got the right religion...or is religious enough?...who's got the right ideology...or is liberal or conservative or radical or communist or Islamist or Christian or Jewish or whatever enough?...who's richer?...who's sexier?...who's more powerful?...who offends us less?...who we can outcast?...who it's ok to hate?...who it's ok to kill?...

Why are we always doing this?...

What purpose does it serve?...

I know why I do it...

I do it when I don't trust people...

I try not to do it...

But sometimes it gets to be too much...

Sometimes people just shit on me, too much...

And I don't trust them...sometimes...

But the truth is...we all do...

Every single one of us...

Without exception...

So why do we do it, then?...

Maybe...it's because though we all prove ourselves unworthy of trust...at times...

We all also have a hard time acknowledging our responsibility for that...

Definitely some more than others...no doubt about that...

But I am becoming convinced that we all have a hard time taking responsibility...

Not just for how we prove ourselves less worthy of trust...

But for how we all keep that in place...

Meaning how shitty we treat one another...

And how little we account for how that makes things worse, generally...

Our saving grace, I think...is that we can't sustain ourselves on that...

And when and if we're honest enough with ourselves and one another...and smart enough about it...

We see that, better...

And we can't maintain that path...

Because we can't pretend, any more, that it's working...

We can't pretend, any more...that when we treat people like shit...

That we're really better than we are...

When it's so clear that we're not...

And when we come clean on that...

We can either forgive ourselves...and love ourselves...for what shitheads we can be...

Or we keep pretending...

But pretending doesn't make the reality go away...

It's just pretending...

And that's, really, the worst tragedy of all...

That we never learn to love ourselves...or be loved...or love one another...

For who really are...

And not who we imagine ourselves to be...or even the great people we aspire to be...

All of us...

That includes me...

You know what?...

I'm not going to do this, any more...any of this...

This life...

For anyone else...

From now on...

It's for me...

And if others happen to appreciate it...then so be it...

But my life is for me...

I've fallen short in my life...more times than I can count...worse, at times, more than others...I've done well...many times, too...

But my own final judgment of myself is the only one that counts...

And maybe if I believe that...for real...

Then I won't look to anyone else...at all...for their approval...or their love or not...or their judgment of me...

Because God knows I don't trust anyone else to know better for me...that's for goddamned sure:):)...

And God knows that my judgment is the only one that really counts for me...

I noticed the other night...talking with my father...that his approval still means far too much to me:):)...I love my dad:):)...but he and I both know that he's a great guy...and a fallible guy:):)...I know why I feel like that when I do:):)...

Or why any of us confuse other peoples' perceptions of how good we are...with the reality of how good we are...

Because...really...who gives a shit what peoples' perceptions are of how good or not we are?...

Perceptions don't mean anything, really...

Unless they are based on reality...

And yet, again and again...I read...in media accounts...in journalistic columns...even in scholarly work...

Where people persistently confuse perception with reality...where people show concern about others' perceptions of their actions...rather than the reality of whether what they are doing is good or not...

And my question is...who gives a shit?...

Has anyone's perception of you as good or bad...actually made you good or bad?...

Obviously not...

Our actions are good or bad...better or worse...based on the reality that they are good or bad...better or worse...

And everything else is just bullshit, really...

And who really gives a shit about that:):):)LOL:):):)...

But maybe we all get so wrapped up in rationalizing the bullshit...in trying to look better than we really are...

That we all just kind of lose track of whether we really are good people or not...

And I'm just tired of all that...

I've been tired of all that for quite awhile...

And I'm just coming to terms with the fact that it really doesn't matter...if you genuinely want to do good and be good...

And that often...doing good and being good...means throwing off concerns about how you look or seem good...

And just committing yourself to doing good and being good...no matter what the consequences...

Most people don't live their lives like that, really...

But they all want to appear as if they live their lives like that...

Even when they don't:):):)...

And the question we all have to ask ourselves...down deep...

Is do we just want to try to look good...even when we're not?...

Or do we actually want to be good?...to do good?...even when it's unpopular?...or when it doesn't appear to some as good?...so wrapped up are they in looking good rather than being good...

I got tired of trying to look good a long time ago...

After years of success in high school and college speech and debate...based, to a great degree, on merit...on actually being good and doing good...

But based, too much, on looking good...rather than really doing or being good...

After 7 years of that...I finally decided, as I applied for grad school...

That I didn't want that, any more...

That I was tired of doing anything in my life, any more...based on how I appeared...rather than the actual merits of my efforts...of my ideas...of myself, as a person...

The irony is that people...generally...all over the world...

Obsess about this question...

How good or not people are...how good they can be...what doing good and being good looks like...

And then we engage in all kinds of actions...

That maintain our focus on looking good...rather than being good...by expecting ourselves and others...to repress when we're thinking or doing or being bad...or less than ideal...and that keep us focussed on how we look to others...rather than how we actually are...inside and out...

And then all the most terrible crimes we commit against one another...like the Holocaust...genocide...terrorism...serial and mass murders...

All get committed in the name of how people want to appear as if they are good...or better...

With a total detachment from whether they really are doing and being good...or better...

And those crimes get committed...because people, finally, lose track, completely...of whether their lives are about doing good...or looking good...

It's all so terribly tragic...

It's the best argument for why hope and progress are, ultimately, the only possible pathes...

Because the only other route is total self-destruction...and destruction of one another...

Total detachment from what shitheads we can be...rather than just facing our shithead tendencies...loving ourselves despite them...and moving forward...

Denial...defensiveness...pretending...

These don't offer us a way forward...

At best, they offer us a way to maintain all of the same problems we have currently...

And, at worst...they make problems worse...rather than better...

And the only reason to pretend...to be better than we are...

Is to avoid consequences we don't want...and to get the things we want...

And if we want to be good, for real...

And we want others to be good for real...

Then we have to stop ignoring these things...

We have to do what our family and teachers and other good people in our lives told us we had to do when we were young...

We have to do good because it's the right thing to do...

Not because we are either scared or seduced by negative or positive consequences...

Because the latter...is about looking good...

Not about being good...

I do think that, at some level...we care about being good...

And it is that desire...deep down in our hearts...

Which is our center...our authentic center...

Our political center...our moral center...our real center in life...

And we lose track of it...

When we focus, too much, on how we look...to others...

Rather than who we are...for real...

Fallible...flawed...uncertain...scared...human beings...

Human being with limits...

Human beings who can be better...but which limits we can't entirely transcend...no matter how much hubris leads us to believe otherwise...

And it is our fantasy of our own perfectability...and our hubris to believe that we can be anything other than fallible, flawed, uncertain human beings...

That keeps us lost...on the path of looking good...

Rather than being good...

I'm tired of world based too much on looking good...rather than being good...

Because...when it comes to looking good...rather than being good...I'm always left with the question...

Who gives a shit?...really...

The only thing that matters...really...is doing good...and being good...

Everything else is bullshit...

Happy Halloween, everyone:):)...have a great week:):)...

Love,
Ben

Once again...I was wrong...

...Mighty Aphrodite is a better film than Melinda, Melinda:):)...

Melinda, Melinda is Woody Allen at some of his best, I think:):)...Will Farrell, especially, makes the movie:):)...

But Mighty Aphrodite may be Woody Allen's best film...Mira Sirvino is a total doll:):)...

This is a long-standing discussion between me and Melissa...Matt Toplikar, my director friend from Liberty Hall, our little artsy movie theater here in town:):)...and Joel Reavis, our good friend from EMU Theater...

I love Annie Hall...and Manhattan...and Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Afraid to Ask...and Deconstructing Harry...and Everyone Says I Love You...and Love and Death...and The Purple Rose of Cairo...

But I really liked Melinda, Melinda when we saw it in the theaters...we just saw it again:):)...it was very good...but Mighty Aphrodite is a better film...

And the Purple Rose of Cairo may be better than Melinda, Melinda too...I'll have to watch Annie Hall, again...though I was really disappointed by the break-up ending...Annie Hall is a great movie...but I always say that it's like the story of Harry and Hellen before the story of When Harry Met Sally:):)...

But Mira Sirvino is classic in Mighty Aphrodite:):):)...and the script is brilliant:):):)...

And I feel deeply ashamed that I kept arguing that Melinda, Melinda may be Woody Allen's best film...

Definitely not Mighty Aphrodite:):):)...

Back to the movie:):)...

Love,
Ben

The most tragic mistake that humanity makes...

I've got plenty to think about at work:):)...

Yesterday morning...the topic was cynicism...

The saddest thing about cynicism...which is the most serious mistake that humanity makes, I think...and one that keeps us locked in so many self-fulfilling prophecies it is hard to count...

Is that it's this very sad mistake in judgment...

Cynicism is not realism...

Cynicism is a romantic idea of the world...a fantasy...of a world where everything turns out as planned...where life goes exactly as we want it to...where we never get hurt...and noone close to us gets hurt...and there is no serious pain for any of us to deal with...

A fantasy that must inevitably confront reality...

That life is full of disappointment...and unfairness...and heartbreak:):):)...

And when we encounter that disappointment and unfairness and heartbreak...

We have two fundamental choices...

Hold onto the fantasy...

Or give it up...and come to terms with the reality...

And the fantasy of humanity that trips us all up...is a fantasy of people...sometime, somewhere...in the past...in the future...in the present...

Who don't make serious mistakes...who live perfect lives...

Which does not exist...never has existed...and never will exist...

The best that humanity and our lives have to offer...is a life where we screw up...so that we can learn from our mistakes...and internalize the lessons...

And a life where we will be hurt...guaranteed...no way out of that one...

And where we forgive the hurt that people have done against us...and that we've done to others...because it is the best way to guarantee a safer, more decent, more loving world...

That's it...

That's the best that our humanity has to offer:):)...

Because we often learn lessons...by screwing them up, generally...

I'd like a world where people don't make serious mistakes...if it's possible, I'd like to see us get there...though not at the expense of holding everyone to an impossible standard...given the real limits of being a human being...

And if we doubt whether cynicism serves us or not...we should look at the places in the world where cynicism about people is strongest...where people are the least forgiving...

Traditional and much more repressive and often much more violent cultures like Palestine...Cuba...North Korea...Syria...Zimbabwe...

And genocidal cultures...like Bosnia...Rwanda...Sudan...and Cambodia...

The real question is not whether we want to find a place somewhere between these deeply cynical cultures and ourselves...but whether we want to move in the direction of more cynicism and all of the terrible consequences in our lives that come with it or not...

Desmond Tutu has written most persuasively for me on this issue...

As Desmond says...when even the most horrific crimes occur...genocide and mass murder being the most horrific I can imagine...

If those who are persecuted cannot forgive those who have persecuted them...it generally leads to another round of killing or oppression...making it all the more important to focus efforts on truth and reconciliation...on forgiveness...lest the cycle be repeated...which it too often is...throughout history and today...

Too many people just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that bad things happen...that they are a permanent feature of our humanity...that although we would like to believe that we can live perfect lives...that that perfection does not exist...and that forgiveness of ourselves or others is the only way to come to terms with that reality...rather than persistently fighting it...with a romantic cynicism that if our fantasy that the world can be perfect can't exist...then humanity must be damned...

Rather than coming to terms with the better conclusion...that humanity can do better...even if it is not and cannot be perfect...

It is the most serious mistake that humanity makes, I think...

The mistake of cynicism...

The belief that carrying the disappointment from our romantic fantasy of perfection will somehow protect us from future disappointments...that it will somehow guard us against future disappointments...like a voodoo doll...or a charm necklace...that constantly reminds us of a world full of disappointment...and tries to ward it off...with all its power...

Desmond is right...

There is no way out of the most serious disappointments we face in life but through forgiveness...whether that be as simple as the disappointment of a love gone sour...or as serious as genocide...

It all involves letting go...of the disappointment...that has no voodoo powers to ward off future disappointment...no matter how many times we recite incantations in its name...

That's why the greatest people in humanity's history...people like Jesus Christ...the Buddha...Martin Luther King...Mohatma Ghandi...and Desmond Tutu...

Have all taught forgiveness...and love...at the center of their teachings...

Because they are the center of human existence...of human progress...of our capacity for renewal...and forward movement...

Tutu speaks from experience...it was his leadership and the leadership of Nelson Mandela -- a man who was imprisoned for 27 years for challenging a government that had systematically oppressed himself and others like him -- around matters of forgiveness that has allowed South Africa move through its terribly painful legacy of systematic apartheid...

And it is the only legacy that offers us any hope...for anything...nevertheless humanity...

Why do we make this mistake so persistently, I wonder?...this cynicism?...

It doesn't help...it doesn't make all the bad things go away in life...to the contrary...it has much to do with why so many of them stay with us...

So why do we make this mistake so persistently?...

I think it's because...hope can be painful...because it requires that we come to terms with the pain and disappointment that we've faced in the past and in the present...forgiveness takes effort...and that effort can be very painful in the moment...

But nothing compared to the pain accumulated by holding onto disappointment...

That never effectively guards against anything...and to the contrary, often brings many terrible consequences into our lives that we never imagined...

All of us have to live with bad things happening in our lives...

But only some of us...and then only some of the time...have genuine freedom in this world...

Genuine freedom only comes with love...and forgiveness...and compassion...and decency...

Everything else is one, long, persistent illusion...this romantic fantasy...that somehow we were cheated of the perfect life...that someone, somewhere is living...or that someone, somewhere has lived...or will live...

And that we got left with the scraps...

The great thing about my experiences in the world, thusfar:):)...is discovering that everyone has pain and disappointment and scraps in their lives:):)...no matter how pretty or ugly the window-dressing for all that pain and disappointment:):)...

And our emotional guards...are just window-dressing...for all that pain and disappointment...

Guards...that keep nothing out...

Except for love...and compassion...decency...forgiveness...

Freedom...

Freedom from fear...

Courage to live...

Freedom from our lower natures...

And the courage to be great:):):)...

To be big people...to be strong...to be authentically good...

And to come to terms with the fact...that being good, for real...does not involve perfection...and never has...

It involves forgiving ourselves...and others...for our failures...for the disappointments...for our humanity:):)...

Thanks, Desmond...for your courage to share the deepest wisdom...about the serious pain that humanity experiences...

And for the hope...that humanity can move past its most serious and tragic mistake...about itself:)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I love my life...

...I hope you love yours:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Now playing: Superman Song...Crash Test Dummies...

Conservative intellectuals and deliberative discussion in contemporary American democracy...

The Economist -- the world's foremost conservative periodical...and certainly one if not the most intelligent conservative periodical -- writes a brilliant story on the Administration and its troubles today...

The White House under seige...

Money shot, as Andrew Sullivan would say:):):)...

"So far, the conservative revolt against Mr Bush is largely confined to the intelligentsia. Ordinary Republican voters feel no great horror about future deficits or the process by which decisions about national security are made. But they may grow more restless if evangelical preachers take against Mr Bush’s next Supreme Court pick, or if the situation in Iraq gets worse...

But the split between Mr Bush and many conservative intellectuals is “very deep and probably irreparable”, reckons Bruce Bartlett, a former adviser to Ronald Reagan, who was recently sacked from a conservative think-tank for writing a book called “The Impostor: How George W. Bush Bankrupted America and Betrayed the Reagan Legacy”. And that fury could spread to the grassroots, especially if some of the hopefuls for the Republican presidential nomination make a show of sounding more conservative than Mr Bush on abortion, gay rights or immigration."

Two observations, here...first...criticisms of the Administration for not taking seriously many important conservative intellectual themes is wholly legitimate, I think...and one of the reasons that the Economist writes in this tone, I assume...is because they are among this Administration's serious, intelligent conservative critics who have watched the Administration take very little notice of the thoughtful concerns of those like themselves...

I was quite surprised, really, that I didn't read, in this article, the Economist take Secretary of State Rice and the Administration to task for refusing to take invasion in Syria and Iran off the table...since the Economist editors have made clear that they believe that this is a threat that has escalated the situations with these countries, as it did in North Korea -- a situation whose resolution, in great part by the diplomatic intervention of the South Koreans, seems to emboldened this sadly deluded Administration and its haphazard international policy -- and a policy that is terribly counterproductive...

Still...how sad that conservatives like Bruce Bartlett should characterize the soured relationship between President Bush and conservatives as "very deep and probably irreparable"...some people just never seem to learn that democracy is made up of and led by human beings...not by gods...

The President acts cynically far too often, I must admit...but he is doing his best, I believe...he's just not a conservative intellectual...he's a much less sophisticated Republican politician...who is lost, right now, because he lacks the compass that thoughtful policy-mindedness offers a more intelligent leader or observer amidst the confusion of politics, much of which has nothing to do with good policy:):):)...

Second...I very much doubt that the leading contenders for the Republican nomination are likely to be "more conservative" than the President (more conservative in what ways, I always ask whenever I hear that nonsensical way of oversimplifying complicated differences over policies that conservatives often have between themselves, even as they, like liberals, try far too hard to ignore those differences:):):)...

If by more conservative, the Economist means more socially conservative, for instance...I hardly think of Rudy Guiliani's pro-choice position and John McCain's moderate pro-life position more conservative than the President's:):):)...Guliani also supports gay rights much more seriously than the President (the couple he stayed with while his marriage was falling apart, remember, was a gay couple:):):)...John McCain is the leading supporter of campaign finance regulation, conservative opposition to which I happen to agree with...but I hardly think of McCain's position as "more conservative":):):)...

And does anyone seriously think that someone like Sam Brownback or Newt Gingrich is going to challenge McCain or Guliani in any real way for the Republican Presidential candidacy?:):):)LOL:):):)...if you do, you're far more deluded, I think, than the President:):):)...

Nope...like it or not...the next Republican Presidential candidate will come from the center...if, on the off chance, a conservative like Brownback or Gingrich was nominated, they would most assuredly lose in the general election to almost any serious Democrat nominated for the Presidency:):):)...

Guliani and McCain, from the polls I saw several months ago, at this point...so I can't vouch for their current validity...but according to those polls, either of them would likely triumph over various Democratic candidates, especially Hillary Clinton (though the last couple of months do seem to have swung left in a dramatic way that may have changed that...an unhealthy and not terribly helpful swing, in my view...but a swing, nonetheless)...John Edwards beat Rudy Guliani in one of those polls, I believe...and I would be interested in a Barak Obama candidacy...

Though I have to say, overall...and this is likely because I'm working with a much higher standard than any election I've ever observed or voted in:):):)...

But none of these candidates seem that spectactular to me, frankly...none of them are really the intellectual heavyweight and demonstrated leader that Bill Clinton was (though Barak Obama has potential for that)...

At this point...if Hillary Clinton is nominated for the Democratic ticket...and absent any change in her leadership style from her abysmal performance during Hurricane Katrina -- using valuable time in the midst of a real time crisis to set up a commission rather than getting on the phones and figuring out who she should call to help with relief efforts -- I'm voting for Rudy Guliani -- whose post 9/11 performance was a stellar contrast to the sad, pathetic leadership of Democratic New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin -- or John McCain...

Neither of the Republican candidates are ideal for me...but Rudy, in particular, has demonstrated more real leadership in a time of crisis -- a pretty important responsibility for the President, actually -- and Hillary Clinton just has so little going for her as a leader of the free world, right now, except perhaps a pretty stellar pool to choose from in supporting roles for major cabinet and advising positions...John is not as strong an executive candidate as Rudy, I don't think...but I've always been impressed with his courage to challenge his own party -- who engaged in more campaign finance abuse of the two parties, to be fair to Democrats -- on campaign finance reform...even as I disagree, today, with his perscription...

I would, of course, rather have someone like Joe Nye or David Gergen run the country:):):)...people with both leadership experience and serious policy intellect...

But, alas...I live in the real world:):):):)...

Maybe one day:):):)...

The most powerful comment in the article comes from George H.W. Bush national security advisor Brent Scowcroft...

“You encourage democracy over time, with assistance, and aid, the traditional way. Not how the neo-cons do it,” he said. “This was said to be part of the war on terror, but Iraq feeds terrorism.”

Now there's some sane, smart conservative international policy advice:):):)...

The single most important check on the hubris of this Administration, right now?...

Not the Democratic party...that's for sure...how useless they've been so often during this Administration:):):)...though I do appreciate the robust group of Democrats willing to move forward a discussion that openly criticized the mistakes of the Administration in conducting this war...

The single most important check on the hubris of the Administration...

Has been intellectuals, generally...and conservative intellectuals, in particular...as they got clearer about the problems that the Administration would seem to try to wish away, often...for lack of the kind of serious and intelligent analysis and self-reflection that folks like the brilliant editors of the Economist magazine, among many others, have been willing to engage in...

Still think politics is something that amateurs can do just as well as those who take policy thought seriously?...

This was a debate/discussion that Brandi and I had while we were both in grad school...

Brandi worked on these brilliant little efforts in citizen engagement on many important issues...race...with the National Days of Dialogue...associated with President Clinton's very important race dialogue initiative...Social Security...with a great group called America Discusses Social Security...both of which she did with one of the leading dialogue coordinators in the country and a really awesome guy, if you ever get the chance to meet him, Theo Brown:):):)...and ADSS with Carolyn Lukensmeyer, another important pioneer in dialogue work...

And then again in Kansas City...with a group called Study Circles...working on the area of policy that I was studying in grad school at the time, education policy:):):)...

Brilliant efforts, all of them...and very important in involving citizens in important policy discussions, debates, and decisions...

But the one place where I constantly objected...

Was I believed -- and believe more strongly today than I did then -- that though citizen engagement is very important on almost every issue facing America and the world today...

That there is no way that average citizens can master policy discussions in the way that serious policy thinkers can...

Any more than I can master serious physics discussions better than serious physics students and thinkers...

It just ain't possible...no matter how hard folks try:):)...

Though I speak heresy, I'm sure, of my own grad program:):):)...which railed against "expert professionalism" and its elitism...

I have no interest in expert elitism...at all, really...

But I do have an interest in discussing important issues with those who have a more serious understanding of them...policy, medicine, physics, automobiles, or otherwise...

And there is just no way to have that conversation where the say of average citizens has equal weight with the say of policy experts...even as every citizen must guard against experts claiming to "know" their lives and the issues that impact them more than they do, themselves...and against experts claiming any right to run their lives for them...which is completely counterproductive to the cultivation of a more self-governing citizenry, I believe...and citizens who are wary of such abuses of expertise should roundly criticize experts who engage in them:):):)...

Those conversations should be equitable...meaning...not everything or everyone is equal in their contributions to that discussion...

But everyone should have a say and be a part of that discussion and responsible for it...

And experts must earn peoples' trust in those discussions...as difficult a task as I'm learning that to be...

Not because they don't deserve it, more...

But because citizens who lack education in more serious matters of policy...can be just be so damned stubborn...that they have anything to learn from the more learned among them...

Against their self-interest, to be sure...

But stubborn, nonetheless:):):)...

That's why I very much respect and admire the very impressive efforts of people like Theo Brown and Carolyn Lukensmeyer...and political players like David Gergen...and Bill Bradley...

And grassroots dialogue coordinators like Brandi Fisher:):):)...

Whose work begins to bridge that gap:):):)...

Which is so very much needs to be bridged...

So that our country and our international community...can be more authentically free and democratic...

And so wiser policy...not just politics as usual...can prevail...in the many very important decisions that leaders of this country must make:):):)...

A very sincere and heartfelt thank you to conservatives and conservative intellectuals...in America and abroad:):):)...who have helped lift up that conversation in America:):):)...from an independent...who has spent most of his life as a liberal:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why I have hope for humanity:):):)...a clarifying moment:):):)...

I was wrong...I believe in my friends:):)...I don't just love 'em:):):)...I believe in 'em:):):)...

You know why I believe in people...no matter how shitty they can be, so often:):):)...

Because laming out is just not a way that most folks can lead a life, for long...

Some people lame out for quite a long time, I must admit:):):)...I never thought I'd meet so many 40 and 50 year olds who just never seem to have grown up:):):)...nevertheless 20 and 30 year olds:):)...

But laming out is just no way to sustain a life...

Defensiveness just doesn't make much room for a way forward...meaning a vision for life that gets us somewhere:):)...

Harriet Miers announced her withdrawal from nomination to the Supreme Court, today...

First...I want to say to Ms. Miers...thanks for putting your hat into the ring:):)...and the only reason that mattered for why someone else might be a better pick, Ms. Miers, is that you just haven't done the homework to do that job...you were picked for a lot of wrong reasons...a lot of cynical ones...and it takes a lot of courage to step back from that and say, "Maybe I'm not the person for this job"...

And what is refreshing about Harriet withdrawing...

Is that it reaffirms that when it comes to important matters of serious policy...

That thoughtfulness matters...whether you agree with those engaged in the thinking or not...the thinking, itself, matters quite a bit, really...

And that is the big lesson to be drawn from the Presidency of George W. Bush...

That thought matters...everywhere...and that operating as if it doesn't...has consequences...

It is the most important challenge of this generation...to take serious thought more seriously...

And ourselves less seriously:):)...

Some of the best time in my short life, thusfar...has been reading and reflecting and thinking about the ideas of those who take such thought seriously...

And now the challenge is to share that with others...

And to expect them to take the challenge of integrating serious thought into their lives seriously...everywhere in life...

But that's where it matters...

Everywhere...

Like it or not:):)...

That's where my next great love lies, I think:):):)...in the world of serious, compassionate, decent, loving, genuine goodness and thought:):):)...

I can't wait:):):)...

My friends are going to come around this one, I'm confident:):):)...

You know why?:):):)...

Because they're great people:):):)...or at least they have the potential:):):)...

And there are, ultimately, only two directions that people can take:):):)...

Mediocrity...and that long black train backwards...

Or greatness:):):)...and constantly aspiring for it:):):)...

And my friends are not mediocre:):):)...

And there is too much greatness in their futures to aspire for anything less:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Now I understand...

I now understand just how my dad and my teachers must have felt all those years of my growing up...

Being totally taken for granted...while I whined and moaned...and generally felt entitled to whatever ideal treatment that my heart desired in the moment...with very little recognition of how hard it was for them to try to be good enough...when I was always being such a shit...though...to be fair...my dad, at least, had a steep learning curve on learning not to be such a shit, himself...and dealing with the world, as is, even with all its glaring flaws...

In particular...I realize, now, just how hard it must have been for my professors...dealing with the same...and me, as well...dealing with the behavior of my advisor, at least...but all of us, doing our best...and me taking it all for granted...not realizing just how much better some peoples' best is than other peoples...

My best is pretty goddamn good, if I can say so myself...

But goddamn if some people will never be happy until they have determined your every move before you've even made it...so easy is it to play spectator with others' lives...when you feel no real responsibility for what it must be like to be them...

That's most people, I'm learning...

My apologies to Michael Brown for the poor behavior of my fellow Americans...

And my appreciation to the American people for doing their best...even when their best is so goddamned shitty, sometimes...to folks like Michael Brown...and everyone else that they feel like they can demand results from...that they would never be able to deliver themselves...not that they give much of a shit about that or anyone else other than themselves, much of the time...

And my general one finger salute to everyone for whom my best is not enough...

Love,
Ben

P.S. Brandi...the post I was referring to in my email is Reflections on Rich and Poor...two posts down:):)...

Is it possible?...

...that my friend may be poised to take responsibility on this one?...

He seems to...

The trick will be...thinking through this one...

He ignored his first opportunity to do that...

We'll see if he does it again...

Love,
Ben

Reflections on rich and poor...

We worked the house of the rich couple, again, today:)...

And I have to say that I'm having different feelings about rich and poor, today, than I had, say, three years ago or so:):)...

I do think it's important to note that rich does not necessarily mean responsible...or good...

But I'm learning quickly enough...that poor...or middle class...don't either...

And today was an excellent demonstration of that:):)...

My boss, yesterday, says that we're going to work for this "rich bitch" whose lawn we've mowed before:):)...

We go to her house...and she's really nice to us, actually:):)...she has a really nice lawn...and nice garden:):)...and she wants to make it nice for the coming year:):)...she offers us water:):)...and is very encouraging:):)...and cuts much slack:):)...

And today...I'm noticing the contrast between this woman's behavior...and the behavior of the poorer/lower middle class boss and co-worker I'm working with, today:):)...

My boss is a pretty decent guy:):)...though he can be a real dick, too...and has been for part of the day for almost every day I've worked with him, except that first day:):)...he's not terribly bright, my boss...and seems to make almost no effort whatsoever to change that:):)...

My co-worker is almost a stereotype of poverty...he's uneducated in a serious way -- meaning, I don't think he even has a lot of high school skills...he's obnoxious...and self-centered...he's insensitive...and often rude:):)...he makes jokes that only he finds funny:):)...and though I consider him a friend -- because I consider everyone a friend, really, no matter how obnoxious -- he's, generally, terribly annoying, much of the time:):)...and definitely not trustworthy except to try to show up every day, to give his best, and then to go home and figure out how to get drunk or high...and that, it appears, is the entirety of his life...

This rich woman we're working for, on the other hand, is nice...smart...decent...sensitive -- she's catching everyone's names as best as possible...something I do that I notice most of the folks that I work with at most joe jobs don't seem to notice or appreciate very much:):)...she's not naggy...and she's really encouraging and cuts much slack:):)...

And I'm thinking about all of my friends...rich...poor...middle class...

And noticing a similar trend...the more money they seem to have or to have had contact with...the more long-term they seem to think...at least intelligent rich folks...which may be the real common denominator, here (something tells me that Eminen is not the nicest dude to work for:):)...

Middle class folks...are more responsible than a lot of the poorest folks...but meaner, generally, than their richer and more intelligent brethren...

And poor folks are often -- not always...I grew up poor and I don't think behaved this way...even as a kid -- are just obnoxious...self-centered...living only in the moment...no long-term future or plans...the basest interests in life:):)...and very little thought at all going into their lives:):)...

And I'm thinking this entire time...

I wonder if I was unfair with Greg...Brandi's husband...and his family...if I got a bad first impression and just ran with it, unfairly...I would totally understand if Brandi was angry with me because I got cynical not knowing Greg and not having any contact with him...now that I've been through that...having friends being cynical with me after not seeing them for awhile...I know now that it doesn't matter...it's not fair...and it doesn't matter how much they wanted or didn't want to see me...or how much I wanted or didn't want to see Brandi...it's not fair...

Rich folks are often pretty decent folks, I'm learning...my parents are rich...and after meeting a broader swath of people in the world, these days...I totally appreciate just how decent and wonderful they are...even with their flaws...

I hope Greg and the Raymond family are good people...for Brandi's sake:):)...and if they are...I feel like a real dick...and maybe I deserve to not have some contact with Brandi if that turns out to be the case...though I do hope she'll find it in her heart to make some contact with me, at some point...just so that I know that she's doing ok:):)...

I just wrote Brandi to apologize...if that's the case...which it very well may be...

Because I've learned for sure...in the three years I've been out of school...and worked mostly working class jobs with folks with not very much education...

Is that my professors...and educated folks, generally...were/are much more decent than I ever gave them credit for at the time...no matter my frustrations with them...the contrast with working class folks -- who tend to be kind dumb, kind of mean, and much more bossy, as a rule -- is just so stark in my head, any more...that I just can't deny just how much better my more educated professors were to work with...than any of the jobs I've had since then:):)...

The world is a lot more complicated than I ever gave it credit for...even as someone who gave much more credit to the idea that it was more complicated than most people understood than most people do:):):)...

I hope everyone's doing well:):)...

Love,
Ben

Considering a Howard Hughes existence...

We did some landscaping work for this really rich couple, today...they own Aberdeens...the big apartment complexes here in Lawrence...the woman who lived there had a little of "rich woman's entitlement complex" going on...but, overall...she was fairly nice...nicer than one of my supervisors who was kind of dick to me in the morning (when is this new?:):)...

And I thought...while I was there...

Maybe this is what I need to do...just give up this whole teaching and writing thing...it's pretty clear to me, now, that people don't like to change...they prefer the inertia...it feels more comfortable...it's easier to predict the self-fulfilling prophecy that nothing will ever get better only to watch nothing get better...than to do the hard work of making improvements in the world...

So maybe I'll just make a bunch of money...in some venture...can't be that hard, really...I'm smart...I work my ass off...I'm tough as nails...and nicer than your grandma...

So maybe I should just make a bunch of money...get really rich...and lead some really eccentric, reclusive life...like Howard Hughes...not hate people...just ignore and avoid them as much as possible...and let them hurt and destroy themselves and each other as much as they want...get out of their way...and just lead a life that I love...

Buy a bi-plane...learn how to fly...and spend a lot of time above it all...

The girl at work definitely seems interested at this point...she seems really sweet...which is my number one quality, at this point in the game (smart is great...but smart and bitchy is pretty useless for a mate or anything else, really)...

She seems to have a drug history...which is a red flag to me, these days...it usually means that someone has put off living responsibly...and has used drugs as a way to numb all kinds of bitterness that drug-users generally hold onto...drug abuse, for most of my friends, is one long place-holder for the answer to the question, "Why aren't I doing something really valuable with my life?"...

But hope springs eternal...she seems sweet enough...really sweet, sometimes:):)...we'll see...we'll hang out...and get to know one another...

It's funny...in these three years out of school...I've had a lot of time to consider all kinds of life choices...

Military service...getting rich...all kinds of options...

And it's pretty clear to me, now, that I had pretty good instincts when I originally wanted to be a thinker...and writer...and teacher...

I can't think of a better life than emulating the examples of folks like Joseph Campbell...or Albert Einstein...or Roald Dahl...or other folks like them...

If it weren't for all the various folks with so little imagination and desire to have much beyond their own self-centered pursuits in the world...that I guess I'll have to deal with whether I teach or write or not...then this would be a no-brainer...

But it's the ever-presence of more small-minded folks...that leaves me considering a more reclusive life:):)...

But its only really the thinkers of the world that do much of real substantial, long-lasting significance in this world...

Others do important jobs...and serve important purposes...

But the most important work is done by thinkers...who imagine how the world can be better in a million different ways...

And it is the one group in the world who readily welcomes change...because they aren't busy hiding from all the various problems that the world has to offer...as most people do...and especially in those professions and areas of life whose structures seem to breed inertia and stagnation...

I am clear, today, that the only person whose opinion that really counts for me is my own...

I just don't trust most people to really think enough to have an opinion that is worth taking seriously...when they do...that's a different story...but most people don't...too satisfied with a life that is safer...when you're just looking at everyone else to find out how you think about whatever...I can't think of a more cowardly, pathetic life...and it's not the life for me, that's for sure...

And people who live their lives to be tough...range from the foolish to the psychopathic...definitely can't think of a more mindless way to live your life:):)...the military and law enforcement and firefighting and other such folks that I've always respected the most are always the thinkers...and even then they either prove their mettle as thinkers...or not...the late, great Stephen Ambrose comes to mind, here...an Army man...and a brilliant military historian if you ever get a chance to read his stuff (Ambrose's undenying optimism that that the Allies would always have won World War II...that the important question was why and where...a thesis I very much agree with...has always impressed me most in him as a military historian:):)...

And as I look out into this big, bad world...after some time in it, now...outside the academe walls...

One thing seems to impress itself on me, most...

Too many opinions...not enough thinking...

It's the most serious deficit in America and the world today...a deficit of imagination...and serious, rigorous thought...

And none other is more important in this age and probably any and every age...

Thinking...and courage...

And love...

Though the best of all three of these necessarily involves the other...it's inescapable...

So maybe I won't be a recluse...I've always wondered what J.D. Salinger is so scared of:):)...now I think I know:):)...

People are a major pain in the ass...that is for sure...

But they're the only folks around...unfortunately...and it's boring playing bridge alone:):):)...

But I have to say...that at this point in my life:):)...

Time alone is definitely some of the most coveted time I have in my life:):)...

I'd like that to change:):)...

But I just haven't met the right girl, yet:):)...

I want to meet a girl...who makes me want to die inside when she leaves me...by natural causes or otherwise...every other way of loving just seems too much a waste of time:)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

A testament...to the legacy...of breaking the rules...

Rosa Parks dies at 92...

If there is anyone who demonstrates the folly...of a "philosophy" of following the rules...

It's Rosa Parks...

Thank you, Rosa...for your courage...to break the rules:)...

Love,
Ben

The challenge in front of me:):):)...

This is why the world seems so cock-eyed to me:):):)...

Majority of Americans reject evolution...

You see...at heart:):)...I'm just a scientist:):)...

My mind thinks too logically to bottom out to the lowest common denominator of most Americans:):):)...or people, generally, for that matter:):):)...

I've had the evolution/creation/intelligent design conversation a million times:):):)...

But what it all comes down to...is that the broad, undeniable consensus within the scientific community...favors evolution...and all other theories -- various creation stories...of which intelligent design is an ingenious variation on:):):) -- are interesting cultural myths to study as a part of Western heritage, world history, and world cultures...

But science, they are not...

And I am just too intellectually honest...to try to pretend that I identify very much at all with the idea that somehow my own personal or religious dogma...could ever or should ever...trump science:):):)...or deep, profound understandings of the world:):):)...

I think the reason why I see the world so different from most people...

Is that I just don't take bullshit folk theories about the world very seriously, at all:):)...

I only take seriously the most rigorous thought...

And everything else is just kind of bullshit, as far as I'm concerned:):):)...

Most people don't think like that, I'm learning...

And my thinking on that...

They should...

And they should learn to live and think up to my standards and to the standards of the best thinkers in the world:):)...

And not me or those thinkers down...to the thinking of most folks...

And that is why I don't understand most people, much of the time:):):)...

Because I just don't take stupid that seriously, really:):):)...and I don't care how seriously others take stupid...it's still stupid, as far as I'm concerned...

And I only take smart seriously...

Smart can mean that someone understands cars...or weed-whackers...or whatever...

And it can mean that they understand people...or schools...or politics...or economics...or whatever...better...as well:):):)...

But I just don't respect thinking that takes stupid too seriously...and doesn't respect, enough, the best thinking...

And my expectation...is that people should live up to that...not me living down to stupid:):):)...

And that is the long and short of it, as far as I'm concerned:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

And if you happen to be one of those people who agree with the majority in this poll:):):)...

I would suggest keeping your day job:):):)...and not trying your hand, professionally, at science, any time soon:):):):)...

Unless you have a rigorously considered scientific challenge to evolution...

And it better be good...

And not some long rationalization for why "God does exist, gosh darnit!"...

Because if this is what you're going after...scientifically-minded people want proof for your ideas...proof for which yours and other ideas can be falsified...not just asserted...and not just self-righteous pronouncements of whatever dogma you ascribe to...

And my efforts are to bring folks up to that expectation...

And to stop having intelligent people...pander down to the foolishness of average folks:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why I write the way I write...

I just heard this interview by Robert Siegel of National Public Radio with Adam Rosen of the Institute for International Economics about President Bush's nomination of Ben Bernanke to be the country's next Federal Reserve Chairman...

That reinforced why I write the way I write:):)...

Adam gave a pretty typical liberal economist's perspective...at least for a liberal in the opening years of the twenty-first century:):)...on President Bush's nomination of Ben Bernanke for Federal Reserve Chairman:):)...

Robert indicated that writers at the National Review, one of if not the most important conservative publication in the country, were expressing concern that Bernanke was not a supply-side economist...referring to the economic theory espoused famously by economists like Arthur Laffer --creator of the concept of the Laffer curve, which sought to demonstrate the marginal utility of higher tax and lower tax rates -- that low taxes and other incentives to business growth were key to growing the economy, since they encouraged savings and investment in new businesses and expansion of old businesses, increasing productivity, employment, and overall economic well-being along the way...

Thanks to Wikipedia for a nice, concise explanation of supply side economics...

Adam Rosen, of the Institute for International Economics sought to put Robert's mind to rest:):)...reminding him, as a newly appointed high priest of the field of economics:):), that supply-side economics is not taken seriously by mainstream economists:):):)...

Which is poppy-cock, of course:):)...and is Adam playing politics with an idea that he disagrees with:):)...because he's a liberal economist:):)...which generally means that he believes in things like progressive taxation (meaning high taxes on the rich and lower taxes on the middle class and poor), economic regulation, and other interferences in the economy that conservatives generally abhor:):) (and I do, too, just for the record:):)...even as an independent who has been a liberal for most of my life:):)...

And it just reinforced for me why I write about complex matters of scholarship and serious ideas as casually and as interspersed with the personal as much as I do:):):)...

First and foremost...it's because I want to humanize serious thought...I want people to see that it's real people who deal in it...not some distant, abstract idea-geek...who doesn't seem to have a soul outside of their immediate academic work:):)...and, as such...that we and all of us, really, are subject to human folly as much as anyone else...thought thinking seriously about life does tend to cut down on that folly, I think:):):)...

Also...because I want to be as open with my life as possible and as I feel comfortable:):)...

Meaning...I don't want people to just read my ideas...I want people to know about me...as a person...as someone who has a life outside of my ideas:):)...and that influence my ideas quite a bit, really:):):)...and I want to be honest that, like all scholars, likely...my personal life affects the way that I look at the world:):)...and think about it:):)...

But a big concern that some people might have about my writing, I think...is how casual it is...how unconventional it is for an academic to write so casually...and personally:):)...

And the reason that this doesn't bother me...is, first...because the personal stuff, I think, is really important actually...and I think it's important for people to know some of the day-to-day realities that shape me and my ideas:):)...and know that I test them every day:):)...that my ideas are not, at all, some kind of ideological agenda...they are ideas borne of very serious thought and real experience:):)...and that that is important to me:):)...and I think should be to everyone:):)...

But the reason why I'm not concerned about how people may disregard my ideas...based on how they're written...

Is borne out in that interview...

You see...Adam just disagrees with supply side economics:):)...and then found a creative, if somewhat deceptive, way to disregard ideas that he disagrees with:):)...

And that is just par for the course...in political and economic and other discussions, I think:):)...but in life, too, I think:)...

I sometimes do it...especially if I think I'm being bullied...and it's a clever and generally honest way to fight back in those situations, I think...to expect people to think seriously...rather than to mistake their groupthink and their bullying for serious thought...

But I try to be honest, generally, when I have a disgreement with someone...the higher the stakes the discussion...like if someone is impugning my character...the less seriously and the less respectfully I will take a disagreement...which I'm fine with, really...I think low-ball disagreements can expect some in-kindness in responses to them:)...

But, generally...I'll try to be as honest as possible about a disagreement:):)...

And...the bottom-line...with any idea...

Is that either you'll agree with it...or find agreement with it...or you won't...

That's really it...everything else is window-dressing...

Meaning...the formality or informality of the writing...the presentation...the grammar...the punctuation...

All the bullshit...eventually gives way...to the basic issue...

Either you find agreement with an idea:):)...or you don't:):)...

I heard about Ronald Coase's ideas on the internalization of extra-economic costs to a society for economic decisions (like environmenatal consequences, say) in a undergraduate macroeconomics class with a liberal economics professor, Martin Perline (one of my favorite undergraduate professors:):)...who dissuaded me of the kind of kooky thought of economist Murray Rothbard, in his book Bionomics, a libertarian tract that I was fascinated with as an undergrad:):)...

I've never read Coase, formally:):)...Dr. Perline did tell us that he had won the Nobel Prize in Economics:):)...and I found his ideas a fascinating opportunity to cut through a lot of the difficulty of getting businesses to think about larger environmental consequences from their business decisions and not at just narrow profit margins...

But I do know that Ronald's ideas are brilliant:):):)...and I don't give a shit about how he writes them:):)...or how he delivers them in a lecture:):)...or how he dresses or doesn't when he shares those ideas:):):)...

I just care about the ideas:):)...because I think they're good ones:):):)...

And that's basically how it works, I think:):)...

I can write in the formalities, too, of course:):)...I was in college of some sort for 12 years, for goodness sakes:):)...I would hope that I have the basics of grammar and spelling and other important formalities of writing down:):)...

But part of the way I write...is both to share of me, personally...meaning...how I'm feeling as I write:):)...like with smileys:):)...

And also to communicate...with the elipses...

That thinking is an on-going...never-ending...process...that it's never done...there are never finished answers...

And anyone who tells you there are...is not only bullshitting you:):)...but they're artificially shutting off the quest for better ideas...

Ronald Coase would never come up with ideas to "internalize the externalities," as Ronald might say:):)...

If he believed that all the important ideas in the world were all out on the table...no more thinking necessary:):)...

And neither would anyone else:):)...

Good thinkers and great thinkers know this...that's how they get to be good and great thinkers:):)...

But...my concern...was that not enough average folks...average thinkers...realized this...

That too many people thought that ideas were less open than all that...because they just look so neat and clean and polished up:):)...when they're written about in articles or books or wherever:):)...

When...really...when you get underneath the hood:):)...

All ideas...and all thinking:):):)...is in process:):)...and that nice, shiny engine:):):)...often has quite a few quirks that its most intimate mechanics know best:):):)...

And I just wanted as many of my own quirks out there as possible:):)...

Because I want people to realize...that anyone can do this:):)...it just takes some effort...and some desire...some practice...and a lot...a lot...a lot...of study:):):)...

And I was just thinking today:):)...as I was mowing the same lawns that I just mowed last week:):):)...

How much I love working with these ideas:):):)...

How important it is to me...

How in awe I am of people who develop genuinely new, interesting, constructive ideas...to make the world better...

And writers, generally, who inspire me to look at the world in a different way:):):)...

Adam Rosen is a fine economist, I'm sure...

But his comments were not on par with the really influential ideas of Ronald Coase...or Amartya Sen...or Fredrich Hayek...or Milton Friedman...or John Kenneth Gailbraith...or John Maynard Keynes...or Robert Heilbroner...or Carolyn Minter Hoxby...

Economists who sought/seek to explain the most difficult and important economic, political, and social phenomena...with deep, broad explanations...that are very diverse...and often in conflict...

And which all add to our understanding of the world:):)...

Adam's comments on NPR didn't really add much to that understanding, in the broadest sense...as very good an economist I'm sure he is:):)...and as much as I learned from him about Ben Bernanke...

I hope my ideas will contribute to that broader discussion in similar ways...

But I've made my peace with the fact that there will likely be people who disagree with me:):)...and probably will be on my death bed and long after I've left this tiny little planet, third from our sun:):)...

And that...either people will find the ideas useful:):)...or they won't...and everything else is just window-dressing:):)...

And in the meantime...I want to leave something of me that is more personal...more...me...than just my ideas:):)...as important as ideas, generally, and my ideas are to me:):):)...

To share of the life that those ideas are meant to help understand...and improve:):):)...

Have a good night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I have to admit...

...the prospect of giving up on my friends depresses the hell out of me...

I've premised almost everything I think...in education policy, at least...and on a lot of domestic policy matters...but just the way I think about and care about people, generally...

...on the idea that all people can learn to think through serious issues...

That there is no need for either the contempt of those who are more convinced that people can think more and think and act better but refuse...

Or the condescending sympathy of those who are convinced that people may just not be able to think through matters better...

My premise has been that people can and need to think and, as a consequence, act better...and that better engaging serious issues with more thoughtful people gives them an opportunity to learn how to do that better...

And you would think that if I can't even do this with some of my best friends...then I just can't do it at all...

It is complicated...

These particular friends do seem convinced that such thought just doesn't apply to them...one of my better friends spends a lot of time pretending that more thoughtful ideas and movies and books, etc., just don't apply to him...that the values taught in places like school are just some vast illusion that he has somehow seen through...

A lot of people play this game, I'm learning...especially when they were less successful in school...I guess it's just easier on the ego than admitting that they just weren't as good of a student as they needed to be...even as schools and teachers must learn to better accommodate the learning needs of all students...

But I just think all this denial of the obvious reality that being smarter matters...and that it matters everywhere...no matter how important or menial the effort seems...that denying this reality just makes us all -- all of us...not just those engaged in the denial...active or otherwise -- weaker...less prepared...less able to take on important challenges in our lives and our workplaces and our communities...

I want to teach in public schools...and I want my kids to go to public schools...and I want to teach in a public university...

Not because I'm defensive of public schools...but because I genuinely believe in them...as the best opportunities for learning in schools...that folks either take advantage of or not...

Private schools are the same situation, I think...but I think public schools offer better opportunities...because they offer the better and more real-life challenge of working and learning and leading in situations with a broader group of folks...no matter how frustrating it is...which is more reflective the how the real world works...that we don't get to insulate ourselves in the real world from people who we think are dumber than us...or of a different religion...or not a true Christian...or whatever other ways that people try to insulate themselves and one another in university settings:):):)...

But the one thing that is a serious advantage for almost any school situation...where folks choose to be there...

Is that you're not dealing with the really most frustrating and fundamental difference between smarter students and less bright students...

Which is the stubborn refusal of some people to learn...no matter how much it is needed...

And since kids in public schools more often than kids in private schools, I imagine...don't choose to be there...they are more likely to rebel against learning and the learning process, I imagine...

There's some of this in private schools, as well, of course...but private schools can always kick such kids out...and then public schools end up absorbing them, often...if they can't get into other private school situations...

And that is how life works...

It would be great to think that someone we could just kick out all of the people in the world that we don't like...or don't like to work with...

But it just doesn't work that way...I've learned very much the hard way...that we often have to work with folks that we may have even imagined, at one point...as I did...that we'd never have to work with...

We just have to learn to work with all kinds of people...

The trick, though...is that we all still need to choose to learn...we just can't do it any other way...we can refuse to do or rebel against doing just about any damned thing we please, really...

And the reason why I believe in as much school choice and freedom for schools as possible...is so schools and students and parents and teachers can each and all learn to be responsible for their learning and teaching, together, as much as possible...without either expecting others to do the job for us...or rebelling against the process along the way...

But the challenge is still...that...ultimately...all students have to choose to learn...or else the process just doesn't really work, really...

And my frustration with my friends is that they want to be responsible...without really taking that responsibility seriously...they want to be in charge...without really taking seriously the need to think about how to use authority...they'd rather spend their lives defending their right not to think...no matter how adolescent and useless an instinct that is...

Than to spend it thinking about how to deal with life's challenges better...

They'd rather fuck up every challenge out of experience...and worse...do what so many less educated people do...make the same mistake over and over and over and over and over and over again...stubbornly and stupidly...rather than learning from it much more quickly by thinking more seriously about it...

They just want to defend the idea that they don't need so stinkin' thinkin'...to make it through life...than to come to terms with the obvious reality for anyone who does take thinking seriously...that thinking matters...and that...in no matter what endeavor we engage in...it impacts our ability to do it better...and to think about it better...

And the most recent round of bullshit that they've put me through...is just too much...it's just a bunch of dumbasses trying to play big people that they aren't prepared enough to do quite yet...and I've had to deal with all of the fallout...

But giving up not only seems unrealistic...and heartbreaking...since I really love these friends...it seems to be giving up on that ideal...that we all have to learn to take learning and thinking more seriously...no matter how we might foolishly argue against that idea...

But...in this case...the lesson is going to have to involve them learning to apologize when they fuck up...

Because I just don't trust them, anymore...no matter how much they fuck up...I keep coming back...not expecting apologies...assuming that they're more fragile egoes have a harder time dealing with that task...

But this time is different...they've been particularly shitty to me...

And this time an apology is due...and learning to offer it is part of the lesson they need to learn, right now...

It'll be good for 'em...but more importantly...it will be the only way that I'll know that they've learned the lesson...and they won't put me through what they've put me through in the last couple of weeks/months or so again...

And now I realize it's not too high an expectation...it's the only expectation that will change the situation between us, at this point...

I don't want to live in a world where the only people expected to learn are people who have and/or take advantage of more or better educational opportunities that others...

I want a world where everyone is expected and internalizes the expectation to learn and think and grow no matter what educational opportunities they do or don't take advantage of...and where everyone has as much freedom as possible to take advantage or not take advantage of those opportunities...so that they can learn what life is like with the alternatives...and so that they can learn better to take the better paths...as they have experiences that teach them, better, that they have much more to learn...

But there is a fundamental hump that everyone has to get over for that to happen...

People have to choose to learn...and to take learning seriously...and to take the thinking that is involved with that learning seriously...for all of that to happen...

And I have learned...with this particular group of friends...and this one friend, in particular...

That I can't make them think...no matter how important it is for them to do so...

That they can refuse to take thinking and learning seriously...for as long as they'd like...

And that we all have to deal with the consequences in the meantime...

And that they...and they're children...and everyone in their lives...will have to live with the consequences of that refusal...as long as they so choose that path...

And that will be the on-going, self-fulfilling prophecy...

Until we break that cycle...that is perpetual...as long as we don't engage that challenge and address it...

I'm not interested in that self-fulfilling prophecy...

And I've never seen a challenge that I'm afraid of taking on, frankly...ever...

So I know this is one that we can and must take on, as well...

And I'm up to the job...

But this particular one...this particular situation with these friends...

Will involve an apology...

And that is the only way forward with that particular situation...period...

And this is one self-fulfilling prophecy...that I am tired of tripping us all up...all of us...

It's gotta change...

No matter how stubbornly people who take learning and thinking less seriously...cling to their defenses about what they don't need to think and learn more and better...

I just don't give a shit what folks' excuses are...

The world is better when we all take smart more seriously...and treating each other decent, as well...which we learn the smarter we get...because smart people who don't take seriously treating people decently...really aren't that smart, afterall, as it turns out...and decent people who don't take smart seriously...are just being kind of dumb, really...

When I signed the lease on this little apartment in July...I was like, "Why in the world am I committing to this shitty little neighborhood for a year?"...

The truth was...because I didn't have time to find a new place while I was searching for jobs...and I couldn't put the leasing office off any more...

But I look around this cozy little apartment...and I think about all the strong friendships I have with all my neighbors (all of us seem to be pretty much friends...and some of us pretty close friends)...

And I realize that I love this little place:):):)...this little home I have, for now:):)...

And that I love feeling at home in my little place...the feeling of real, genuine safety...that one feels...when there is plenty of love around:):):)...

I've got to get to bed:):):)...I'm exhausted:):):)...

I'll talk with everyone later:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Housesitting:):)...

I have some neighbors upstairs who asked me to housesit their cat for a bit while they were visiting family in Arkansas:):)...she's an adorable little cat:):)...Minou, I believe, is her name:):)...I'm terrible with names:):)...

Anyway:):)...I cleaned her litter:)...and filled her food and water bowls...and her water cup:) (Stepanie...my neighbor...leaves a cup out for her kitty the same way Melissa and I would do for Darcy:):)...it's just too adorable watching a kitty put her paw in a human glass -- which both kitties would do when they got around our glasses:):) -- and so we all -- Melissa and I and Stephanie and Brandon -- just started doing it regularly:):)...

And Minou and I just cozied up together and watched some Tenacious D and some Reservoir Dogs that Brandon and Steph had on DVD:):)...and just kind of cuddled:):)...

And I noticed how cozy their apartment felt:)...

There's just some people, you know...who...no matter where they live...Steph and Brandon and I live in the middle of what makings of a ghetto that Lawrence, Kansas might have:):)...but, still...their apartment (my temptation is to say Steph's because Stephanie is such a lovely little host:):)...she's so sweet...you'd have to meet her:):)...felt so cozy...in this cold weather:):)...

And after Reservoir Dogs ended...I wrote Steph a note...and felt, for the first time in a long time, that I was among the kind of loving, decent people/families/homes that I was used to being among before my venture into the big, bad world...

And I went back downstairs...to my own apartment:):)...which I've got all tidied up, now:):)...computer on the living room table:):)...dishes done:):)...boxes that have been sitting around forever getting unpacked:):)...floor getting more fully vacuumed, more and more:):)...bathroom getting cleaned:):)...

The inertia of disregard that overlay the place when Melissa and I lived here together swept away:):)...

And I realized that I have about the most homey little place that I've ever been in:):)...

It's so nice:):)...to visit a really cozy little place like Steph and Brandon's:):) -- which is totally based on who they are, as people, of course:):)...and not a bit on anything less important:):)...

And then to come back to my little place:):)...

And feel like this is where I belong:):):)...it's really nice:):)...

I've always felt that way, more, in other peoples' homes...housesitting with Brandi:):)...in our apartments...the three we lived together in, in D.C., Lawrence, and Kansas City:):)...in Brandi's family's home:):)...in the home of the parents of her best friend, Wendy Werner:):)...

In the homes of, basically, loving, nice, middle-class families who take education and being good seriously:):)...but not too seriously:):)...and with lots of love and warmth and a genuine sense of welcome:):):)...

And now I feel that more in my home than I feel in the homes of anyone else I know:):):)...that's a good feeling:):):)...and what we all should want, I hope:):)...

That's what I've always wanted...

A home...

A real home...

Not land...or a structure I own rather than rent...

But a home...

A place where I feel loved:):):)...and where others who come around can feel loved, too:):):)...

And...after having that, more, when I was living alone and then with roommates three years ago before I left school:):):)...

I feel that again and more, today:):):)...

The difference was that three years ago I had no idea what the job market and financial uncertainty and financial tumbles all looked like:):):)...

And now I do:):):)...

And I'm not scared, any more:):):)...it's really great, I have to tell you:):):)...

Now I just enjoy my little life:):):)...

And...have the freedom to grow that life for real...and not just based on whether or not a boss or any authority figure "allows" me to grow that life:):):)...I haven't met a boss or authority figure, yet, who I trust to do that for me...they're all just too damn...bossy:):)...and I doubt I will any time, soon:):)...

And when I do...it will be the one who knows that I don't need his or her permission, at all...to make any choice important to my life...

And that's why my home feels more homey today than three years ago...

Because, today...

That overhang of fear of what would happen if I decided to make my own most important choices in my life...with others' input...but with all the final calls for myself...and the perogative to ignore anyone who treats me or my life in any other way...

That fear...is gone:):):)...

I do wish my more bullying, less thoughtful friends good luck with their lives:):)...but no more bullying for me...and I only take thoughtful insight seriously from now on...

The major situations in my life in the last three days have taught me that most people...really...only care about themselves...and rationalizing their lives around that self-centeredness...and that more genuine people...are pretty rare, really...I see, now, better, why it's so easy to get so lost in the bullshit of it all...because a big part of caring only about yourself...is pretending that you're doing it all in the name of others...

And I just have no interest in living my life that way...I want to be a genuinely good person...and spend my life with other genuinely good people...which are kind of rare, really...most people aspire to be good...and fake it till they make it, as Nancy Reagan would say...they just also fake themselves into thinking they're better than they really are, too...

I don't mean most Americans...or most of any kind of person, in particular...

Most people, period...aspire to be good...but fall far short...

And some people...as I just learned...don't even really try that hard to be good, really...so wrapped up in being cool...or being liked...or getting the stuff they want in life...or looking better for others than they really are...or being rich...or being powerful...or otherwise wanting things that they think will make them happy...but never do...

And worst of all...

Trying to win the rewards and avoid the punishments meted out by other not-so-noble folks to enforce their distorted notions of goodness...

And that's most people, I'm learning...

And then there are a very few people...

Who are more genuinely good...

Who have the same freedom to choose a baser life...

And choose otherwise...

And that is the kind of person that I try to live my life as...and am growing into...

I have applications and bills to work on, everyone:):):)...a fun Saturday night planned for me:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

You ever wondered why your momma said not to hang out with the wrong crowd?...

...I don't any more...

I can't think of any better argument for spending my time with intelligent, educated, decent people...

Than spending too much of it, by far, with the wrong crowd...

I've had a group of friends whose major aspiration in life is the newest high that they can get off of whatever drugs they can get their hands on...I've only done pot (and a whippet, once) in the my life...and almost all of it has been with this crowd...

I stopped smoking pot about the same time I stopped hanging out with this crowd...which I had only smoked very occassionally...

And now I think I know why momma and everyone else said not to hang out with the wrong crowd...

Because they're bad news...

And the most annoying thing about the wrong crowd...

Is that they so frequently forget that they're the wrong crowd...so insistent are they on rationalizing what fucked up lives they lead...

And I am beyond tired of it...

I had a nice little life as a good student...and a good guy...who didn't do drugs...and did well in school...I hated always doing what I was told...but even that doesn't bother me so much, anymore...as long as people do it nicely...when they don't...well, that's a different story...

And this crowd of friends is validating every conservative impulse I've ever had in me...to stay away from people who talk or act like they don't give a fuck about anyone but themselves...because...in all likelihood...they don't...

I just didn't know how nasty people were...until I left school...it's true...the school doesn't totally prepare you for a total shithole the real world often is...and generally made so by the people most cynical about what a shithole it is...

And the lesson I'm learning...is that the reason to prefer making friends with deep and abiding faith and decency and values and dreams and purpose and aspirations...

Is because the more shallow, foolish people in the world...are probably not people you can rely on...

And that is definitely the case, here...

Brandi did better than I ever gave her credit for...

She just started hanging out with a guy from church...

Wise move...

Because average people...the kind that you never see show up at church...for fear that they'll burn to a crisp the moment they step in...

Are one long pain in the ass...

And I, for one, am sick and fucking tired of the bullshit of this group of friends...and I have had it...

I'm definitely not a regular church-goer, either...I like church...a lot, often...I was a youth leader in a nice little liberal Christian church, Unity Church, in Wichita, Kansas...

And while I had a really great church experience, overall...I also know that many church folks can be a real pain in the ass to hang out with, too...

My plan...teach...write...get work in a university, at some point...

And spend as much time on my own, as possible...

And if I can't make change with these folks...to get them to think more when they need to...then it's just not possible...maybe Amartya Sen is right...maybe some people just can't be intelligent...or maybe...much more likely...maybe some people just refuse to think intelligently...

Either way...I'm tired of the bullshit...

Because I'm the only person that I can rely on...for any kind of decent judgment...for anything I need...for all the shit that really matters in life...

And if I find a girl, along the way, who's smart and wise and decent enough...then that will be fine, too...

But from here on out...

I'm doing this life on my own...

And with whatever decent people I can find along the way...

Ben

A lazy, rainy day...

It's been a drizzly day outside all day, today...so the lawnmowing work was called off for the day...and it's been all cozy inside, watching the rain fall outside:)...

You ever loved someone, completely...and not really known what to do as they bullshit themselves and others...so they don't face themselves?...

I have this friend...that I love a lot...but who's been a real shit to me, lately...

And...to do this...this friend has had to totally bullshit himself...about himself...

It's been kind of amazing to watch the mental gymnastics on the whole thing...

I love him...a lot...he's like a brother to me...but definitely a younger brother...someone who still has a lot of growing up to do...

I have a younger brother, actually...who I also love a ton...who I've told this friend...who is so much like my real younger brother in so many ways...that he reminds me of my younger brother, Sam...and I think I've told Sam about this friend, as well, and how I feel about him...that's how close I've felt with this friend...

And...my friend...who I love...is trying to grow up...

Which I totally appreciate...and support...because I've known him for a long time...and it's great to watch him grow up...

But goddamn if sometimes he doesn't bulllshit himself...about just how mature he is or isn't...it's amazing to watch...I have to tell you...

And it's only because he began to handle a situtation poorly...that we've come to a head about this...

He won't take responsibility for it...and it's kind of a long circular discussion about it...because sometimes I'm not even sure if my friend realizes just how large a gap there is in his much less serious sense of responsibility...and my much more serious sense of it...

For anyone who's ever been in this situation in any capacity...you may have a sense of this...

You love people...you support them...you offer them constructive criticism (or in this case, you also call them an asshole...when they deserve it)...

But people who don't take responsibility as seriously...just don't see it, generally, as people who do see it about them...

Working in less-educated, lower-skill jobs has taught me a lot about this...watching people twice my age take half the responsibility...because they just never really grew up...it's really sad...and something that people who are more responsible just kind of learn to accept to some degree...and accept that they can trust such people only to a certain degree...

My friend is on the margin of that...

He wants more responsibility...but he has very little experience with it...and more importantly...he has a really serious problem honestly acknowledging to himself, as much if not more than with others, when he's fucking up...he is a master excuse-maker...

I suggested that he see this really brilliant movie, last night...he can't see it, he says...because he came up with the premise for it ten years ago...

And I'm thinking, "Do you want to grow up to be the wierd uncle that all the kids always have to wonder how much of what comes out of your mouth is bullshit and how much is honest?...Do you really think that people believe your bullshit as fully as you seem to believe it?...do you really think that this helps you in any way?"

The answer to all those questions is no, of course...

But my very good friend...who has so much potential to be so much more than he only half-hearted strives to be, much of the time...

Just keeps wallowing in his own bullshit, so much of the time...

We all have the folks in our family who bullshit themselves and others about why they didn't/don't chase their dreams...or do big things...whose constant story is about the one that got away...

I have more uncles and aunts like this (and a mom, to some degree...though we don't talk about it or much of anything else, these days, any more) than I have uncles and aunts who are more honest with themselves and others...

You have those few people in your family, you know...who seem to have it together...

And then the folks in your family whose whole life seems to revolve around dimishing the accomplishments of their brothers or sisters doing better...or bullshitting themselves that they are competing with those same brothers or sisters when they aren't...

The best family members are the ones who love themselves and one another, more, no matter how well or poorly each of them are doing...though it does seem like those family members who end up being the most successful, long term...

My dad was one of the more gracious and loving in his family...who after a long bankruptcy...is, by far, the most successful in his family...his brother, who runs the family business, is also one of the most gracious...and the other most successful member of the family...and his sister and definitely her husband do pretty well, also...

My mom has two younger sisters who are both very decent women...both of whom do fairly well in their lives in different capacities...one as a school paraprofessional...and the other as a successful real estate developer...as does her younger brother, who runs his own sign-making business...

But the less successful members of each of my extended families...are constantly grumbling about how shitty the little things in life are...and have petty little conflicts and rivalries with their more successful and generally elder siblings (though my mom might count in there, despite being the oldest in her family...maturity, I'm learning, is not at all, necessarily, based on age...it is more often based on how much people take responsibility for their lives...their successes...their failures...their futures...their dreams)...

And this friend has always kind of reminded me, often, of one of these more petty, grumbling relatives...

He's right on the cusp of being a more self-fulfilled, successful person...

But to get there...he's going to have to over this hump...to start to take responsibility for himself, more...or be forever condemned to making excuses for why he never made it...

Which is what that conversation about that brilliant movie that he doesn't want to see...not because he came up with it 10 years ago...but because it's brilliant...and he eats his heart out in such situations...is all about...

He has this one life...this one opportunity...to have a life that where he really earns his way through it on merit...and not on excuses...

And he's constantly sucker-punching himself...undermining his own aspirations...and generally...giving up on himself...

And the only way to move past it...

Is to acknowledge...that the person responsible for doing all of that...is him...

Not his teachers...not his friends...not his mom...or his sisters...or anyone...

Just him...

And as painful a recognition that will be about himself...

It is the only one that offers him a chance to start living a more honest life...where he earns his place in it...on his merit...and not by always dissing the referees...or the conditions...or the other myriad of imperfections in the world...

And on the other side of that pain...there is the freedom that he's been yearning for all his life...the freedom that comes with being judged on your merits...and being proud of that (and disappointed at times, to be sure)...and not just whining all the time about how the game is rigged against you...

I love my friend...but he is in something of a low-spot on this one, right now, I think...as are a couple other mutual friends of ours'...

And what they can't see...is that if they keep maintaining this bullshit...and all the shitty ways that it involves treating me...

Then I just have to wait...from afar...while he grows up...hoping that he will grow up...and feeling much sadder about the prospect that he just won't...that he'll make some kind of adolescent stand about not having to...no matter how old he gets...and no matter how little it's served him...the entire time he's done it...

Lots of people have this issue...we all probably have it to one degree or another...though some of us have it more, clearly, than do others...many of the efforts to get at President Clinton during his tenure had to do with this kind of pettiness...and envy...and otherwise destructiveness for no good reason...other than getting at those that don't confirm our own sad little self-pitying stories about ourselves...who demonstrate a capacity for success...or happiness...or all kinds of good things...that don't confirm our sense that our shitty lives result from forces that we aren't responsible for (which is true for everyone, of course...it's just that the most responsible people get a move on despite all of it...and don't get too bogged down in it)...

Why do people settle for that kind of bullshitting of themselves, I wonder?...it doesn't serve them...it doesn't make them feel better...it doesn't get them ahead...or any of even the petty things in life that they say that they want...

It's lack of courage, I think...a lack of confidence in themselves...and a lack of courage to pursue ones dreams fully that comes with that kind of confidence...and which involves taking that kind of responsibility...

And my very good friend...who I love like a brother...lacks that kind of confidence and courage...

And he bullshits me...and himself...and everyone else...to maintain it that way...

I do wish him luck...

But he owes me an apology...a sincere one...

And it's that kind of courage that he's going to need to show...that's going to get his life moving, more, in the direction that he really wants...down deep...when he's not bullshitting me, himself, and everyone else...

But I do wish him luck...

Have a great night, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

The most powerful legacy in the world...

I was just walking...we have this really beautiful little park a couple of blocks away...train tracks near the entrance...a river at the back...playground equipment, including swings (particularly important playground equipment to me:):)...

I like to walk...I walk a lot...those who know me know that it is one of my important pasttimes...

And I realized...

How much I fully loved my life...

What an incredible and proud legacy...this legacy of ideas...that I'm a part of...just what a powerful legacy it is...the most powerful...the most important...the most influential, for obvious reasons...and the legacy that I and I think any person can be most proudly affiliated with...

Do you realize how many fewer wars there are today than in antiquity?...or even just a hundred years ago...or 50 years ago?...

How something as basic as war...something that has been with humanity since it's beginning...and much more frequent, arbitrary, and destructive in the past...for which politics, in its beginnings, was developed as an alternative...

How something as basic and destructive as war...

Has been diminished dramatically...

By the idea...that it could...

Powerful...

And my ideas contribute to diminishing that even further...as far as possible...or as far as I can see, at least...at this point in my life...whatever can reduce it's propensity more...I hope some whippersnapper comes along and kicks my lilly-white ass to develop better ideas to do it...

Do you know how powerful that is?...to know that you are part of that legacy?...

Or the legacy of those developing ideas to improve education?...or reduce crime?...or to promote more freedom so that other people have a more conducive environment for curing diseases...developing medicines...developing technologies?...

Do you know how powerful it is to think that you are doing work that can help people find more authentic love?...build stronger families...be stronger individuals?...be more at peace with themselves...for real?...

Work that can offer people the opportunity to face themselves more honestly and with more courage?...to help people forgive...and love...and live lives with more decency and compassion?...to help victims and perpetrators of even the most serious and gruesome crimes -- murder, genocide, rape, torture -- to face themselves...and one another...and to learn to have the courage to forgive...for themselves...and for one another...for victims to forgive perpetrators...and for perpetrators to face and forgive themselves...

And...in the course of that...to prevent those kinds of crimes in the future...by those same perpetrators...and by others...and by facilitating, better, their capture to face their crimes...and the victims they have left behind...

Ideas that can increase productivity in businesses and non-profits and all kinds of groups and organizations to deal with their central purposes...to increase the purposefullness and ingenuity and creativity and feeling of self-satisfaction that each of the members of those groups can feel in doing their work...and...as a consequence...do far better, more creative work...much of which we never would have anticipated without their freedom to engage in it...

Ideas that can better satisfy the material, political, social, personal and emotional needs of humanity?...

Do realize how powerful it is to be a part of that legacy?...

It is the most powerful legacy, actually...

The greatest...

And that is the reason why since I was a fairly young guy...I've always wanted to be a part of it...

And I have never felt prouder...of myself...of my efforts...of my accomplishments...

And happier...more content...more at peace...with my life...ever before in my life...

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change...

The courage to change the things I can...

And the wisdom to know the difference...

And out of that little prayer...

Is reaped everything...

I have never loved my life more...or the people in it...

And I am so proud to be a part of that legacy...

Have a great evening, everyone...

Love,
Ben