Housesitting:):)...

I have some neighbors upstairs who asked me to housesit their cat for a bit while they were visiting family in Arkansas:):)...she's an adorable little cat:):)...Minou, I believe, is her name:):)...I'm terrible with names:):)...

Anyway:):)...I cleaned her litter:)...and filled her food and water bowls...and her water cup:) (Stepanie...my neighbor...leaves a cup out for her kitty the same way Melissa and I would do for Darcy:):)...it's just too adorable watching a kitty put her paw in a human glass -- which both kitties would do when they got around our glasses:):) -- and so we all -- Melissa and I and Stephanie and Brandon -- just started doing it regularly:):)...

And Minou and I just cozied up together and watched some Tenacious D and some Reservoir Dogs that Brandon and Steph had on DVD:):)...and just kind of cuddled:):)...

And I noticed how cozy their apartment felt:)...

There's just some people, you know...who...no matter where they live...Steph and Brandon and I live in the middle of what makings of a ghetto that Lawrence, Kansas might have:):)...but, still...their apartment (my temptation is to say Steph's because Stephanie is such a lovely little host:):)...she's so sweet...you'd have to meet her:):)...felt so cozy...in this cold weather:):)...

And after Reservoir Dogs ended...I wrote Steph a note...and felt, for the first time in a long time, that I was among the kind of loving, decent people/families/homes that I was used to being among before my venture into the big, bad world...

And I went back downstairs...to my own apartment:):)...which I've got all tidied up, now:):)...computer on the living room table:):)...dishes done:):)...boxes that have been sitting around forever getting unpacked:):)...floor getting more fully vacuumed, more and more:):)...bathroom getting cleaned:):)...

The inertia of disregard that overlay the place when Melissa and I lived here together swept away:):)...

And I realized that I have about the most homey little place that I've ever been in:):)...

It's so nice:):)...to visit a really cozy little place like Steph and Brandon's:):) -- which is totally based on who they are, as people, of course:):)...and not a bit on anything less important:):)...

And then to come back to my little place:):)...

And feel like this is where I belong:):):)...it's really nice:):)...

I've always felt that way, more, in other peoples' homes...housesitting with Brandi:):)...in our apartments...the three we lived together in, in D.C., Lawrence, and Kansas City:):)...in Brandi's family's home:):)...in the home of the parents of her best friend, Wendy Werner:):)...

In the homes of, basically, loving, nice, middle-class families who take education and being good seriously:):)...but not too seriously:):)...and with lots of love and warmth and a genuine sense of welcome:):):)...

And now I feel that more in my home than I feel in the homes of anyone else I know:):):)...that's a good feeling:):):)...and what we all should want, I hope:):)...

That's what I've always wanted...

A home...

A real home...

Not land...or a structure I own rather than rent...

But a home...

A place where I feel loved:):):)...and where others who come around can feel loved, too:):):)...

And...after having that, more, when I was living alone and then with roommates three years ago before I left school:):):)...

I feel that again and more, today:):):)...

The difference was that three years ago I had no idea what the job market and financial uncertainty and financial tumbles all looked like:):):)...

And now I do:):):)...

And I'm not scared, any more:):):)...it's really great, I have to tell you:):):)...

Now I just enjoy my little life:):):)...

And...have the freedom to grow that life for real...and not just based on whether or not a boss or any authority figure "allows" me to grow that life:):):)...I haven't met a boss or authority figure, yet, who I trust to do that for me...they're all just too damn...bossy:):)...and I doubt I will any time, soon:):)...

And when I do...it will be the one who knows that I don't need his or her permission, at all...to make any choice important to my life...

And that's why my home feels more homey today than three years ago...

Because, today...

That overhang of fear of what would happen if I decided to make my own most important choices in my life...with others' input...but with all the final calls for myself...and the perogative to ignore anyone who treats me or my life in any other way...

That fear...is gone:):):)...

I do wish my more bullying, less thoughtful friends good luck with their lives:):)...but no more bullying for me...and I only take thoughtful insight seriously from now on...

The major situations in my life in the last three days have taught me that most people...really...only care about themselves...and rationalizing their lives around that self-centeredness...and that more genuine people...are pretty rare, really...I see, now, better, why it's so easy to get so lost in the bullshit of it all...because a big part of caring only about yourself...is pretending that you're doing it all in the name of others...

And I just have no interest in living my life that way...I want to be a genuinely good person...and spend my life with other genuinely good people...which are kind of rare, really...most people aspire to be good...and fake it till they make it, as Nancy Reagan would say...they just also fake themselves into thinking they're better than they really are, too...

I don't mean most Americans...or most of any kind of person, in particular...

Most people, period...aspire to be good...but fall far short...

And some people...as I just learned...don't even really try that hard to be good, really...so wrapped up in being cool...or being liked...or getting the stuff they want in life...or looking better for others than they really are...or being rich...or being powerful...or otherwise wanting things that they think will make them happy...but never do...

And worst of all...

Trying to win the rewards and avoid the punishments meted out by other not-so-noble folks to enforce their distorted notions of goodness...

And that's most people, I'm learning...

And then there are a very few people...

Who are more genuinely good...

Who have the same freedom to choose a baser life...

And choose otherwise...

And that is the kind of person that I try to live my life as...and am growing into...

I have applications and bills to work on, everyone:):):)...a fun Saturday night planned for me:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben