What have I done wrong, do you think?...An open forum:):):)...

I would do this on Tripod, where folks don't have to register to post comments:):):)...

But I can't reliably post on Tripod these days (it takes between 1 and 15 posts of a single posts, generally, to make sure that a post gets up and doesn't just disappear on me:):):)...Blogspot posts stuff late (which is why I have the RSS/Newsfeed link up, so people can see posts more in real time:):):):):):)...but at least I know that it will post every time:):):):):)...

I'll try to post this on Tripod, too, when I get a chance:):):)...because I REALLY want feedback on this:):):):):)...

OK:):):)...here's the deal:):):)...

I feel like such a fuck-up with this whole situation with my friend, Brandi...

I don't know what I did to fuck up...

I just know that she's not talking with me right now...

And hasn't been for more than a month, now:(...

So:):):)...

Here's the deal:):):)...

Brandi stopped talking with me...for the most part...after a conflict that we had about her husband...

Brandi and I have grown farther apart -- to my total dismay -- since Greg and her started dating...

Which is REALLY UPSETTING to me since I've worked SO HARD to work through jealousy and doubts and anger and frustation with the situation to be as ABSOLUTELY SUPPORTIVE OF HER AND HER MARRIAGE AS I CAN POSSIBLE MUSTER:):):)...

I've never met Greg...which is a decision by Brandi that has made it INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to be more supportive...

Especially when other than the VERY AND CENTRALLY IMPORTANT FACT that she repeats OFTEN AND SINCERELY that she REALLY LOVES HIM:):):):):):)...

Other than this VERY IMPORTANT QUALITY OF BRANDI'S FEELINGS FOR GREG:):):):):):):)...

That...other than that...she's said NOTHING, for the most part -- other than the fact that he would change lightbulbs without her asking -- NOTHING very positive AT ALL about him:(...

Now...at the time that Brandi told me this...I told her that I thought she should go find someone who really inspired her and who would REALLY make me jealous:):):):):):)...because he would be such a STELLAR CATCH that I would KNOW FOR SURE AND WITHOUT A DOUBT (AND SHE WOULD TOO:):):)...that she was TOTALLY, HEAD-OVER-HEELS, WITHOUT A QUESTION, TOTALLY IN LOVE with the guy she was going to marry:):):):):):):)...

Brandi didn't take that advice, obviously:):):):):):)...

Much of that, I think, being that Brandi loved Greg, in many ways, because he was NOT ME:):):):):):):)...so WHY IN THE WORLD, she must be asking herself, would she follow MY ADVICE:):):):):):):)...when she is looking, primarily, for someone who is NOT ME:):):):):):):)...

So...

Anyway:):):):):):)...

I've TOTALLY and SINCERELY and AS AUTHENTICALLY AS I CAN/COULD MUSTER tried to support Brandi and Greg and their marriage...

DESPITE...

1) That I've never been able to meet Greg...a decision that Brandi -- and I assume Greg -- have made for as long as Greg has been in Brandi's life, which I have been around for, the entire time:)...

2) That Brandi has said VERY FEW GREAT things about Greg (other than the TERRIBLY AND VERY MUCH IMPORTANT FACT that she REALLY LOVES HIM:):):):):):)...which I TOTALLY SUPPORT:):):):):):):)...and hope grows for as long as both of them shall live:):):):):):):):):):):)...till death do they part:):):):):):):)...if possible:):):):):):):)...

3) That I wasn't invited to the wedding despite working harder than probably ANY EX-BOYFRIEND ON EARTH:):):):):):):) to support her and a husband-to-be-now-husband-for-life-hopefully:):):):):):):)...and all of the choices that they make with those lives:):):)...

4) That I've not been able to SEE BRANDI PERSONALLY for MORE THAN A YEAR now:):):):):)...despite the fact that I've worked harder than Brandi, by far, and than most ex's, I'm sure, to support both her marriage and our friendship than most...

I've had MANY FRIENDS tell ex's that they can't talk with them after they get married...

And every time I've heard it I've thought WHAT A PATHETICALLY INSECURE BASE ON WHICH TO FORM A MARRIAGE:):):):):):):)...either you got love, baby...either you've got REAL TRUST :):):):):):):)...which doesn't have to shut ANYONE out:):):):):):):)...

Or you got nothing:):):):):):):)...you've got a relationship and/or a marriage based around fear and insecurity and desperation and a lot of quicksand:(...

So...

Despite these things...I've done everything I've known how to do to support Ms. Fisher...and her marriage...

And EVERY STEP ALONG THE WAY EVERYTHING I DO gets interpreted as JEALOUS EX-BOYFRIEND SEEKING TO UNDERMINE CURRENT RELATIONSHIP...

It gets REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY OLD...let me tell ya...

So...

I talk with Brandi about this...or, rather, I email her:):):)...

I tell her that despite ALL OF THE BULLSHIT that I've dealt with her and with Greg on this one, that I have still completely and as unconditionally as I can muster (given so many obstacles put in my path) have supported her and Greg and her marriage:):):):):):):)...

AND...that I am tired of eating the bullshit on this one...

That Brandi needs to get over or deal with WHATEVER insecure/jealous bullshit is going on in her relationship...

And learn to be A GROWN-UP and have close friendships with guys even when she is married...and that Greg needs to learn to be a GROWN-UP TOO...

And for about a month, now, Brandi will not email or talk with me...

And I am TOTALLY AT A LOSS...

WHAT ELSE CAN I DO?...

I know...I know...nothing...

Either Brandi and Greg BOTH learn to grow up on this one...

Or I'm just stuck with a best friend who can't learn to be a mature, secure, married woman who can trust herself and whose husband can trust her that she is NOT GOING TO CHEAT with her ex-boyfriend...

And I just have to learn to live with that fact of life...that very sad, pathetic, unreflective of Brandi's or ANYONE's highest, best self...

And wait until she figures this one out THE HARD WAY...and then wait to talk with her then (which I'm pretty sure, on both counts, will happen, if she doesn't deal with this with ME, first and foremost...and with Greg, importantly to her relationship, I would assume)...

I know...I know...why would want to continue to work at being friends with someone when they treat you like this?...

For several reasons...

First...

Brandi was my BEST FRIEND -- long before we dated...and then while we dated...and then AFTER we dated -- for almost 9 years, now...we started hanging out in the summer of 1996...

I told her more and shared more with her than anyone else -- including my parents and my best friends other than Brandi -- than I told or shared with ANYONE else...

And so...when you get that close to a person...it hurts LIKE HELL when they pull away...

Which is EXACTLY what's happened here...

Even though I've felt/still feel that the sharing I did was EXACTLY the kind of sharing that Brandi needed to hear...

ESPECIALLY since it meant that she was SHITTING ON ME so that she and Greg would not have to deal with the fucked up parts of their own relationship that I HAVE NO SERIOUS OR CONTROLLING INFLUENCE OVER, that I know of...

So...I don't talk with her...I don't email her...I give her TOTAL space for almost a month now...

DESPITE...

And this is A REALLY BIG FUCKIN' DESPITE for me...

DESPITE THE FACT that when I share with her that my grandma that I am closest to...and that Brandi was WELCOMED (and is STILL WELCOMED) with open arms by, as my friend, as much as my ex-girlfriend that spent several Thanksgivings and Christmases with her...

That this grandma is dealing, now, with a terminal illness...and would probably like to see her, at some point, when she's in Wichita (which was pretty frequently, the last time she and I talked about it, since her mom and grammy and family are in Wichita)...

And that I was doing MY BEST to deal with the fairly difficult fact of life, as you can imagine, that I was going to lose the grandmother in my life that I have been closest to, since I've EVER been able to remember...a woman who I LOVE DEARLY and WILL MISS TERRIBLY...

Brandi says nothing...

Not a thing...

Not a couple words of sympathy...

Not, "I'll go check on her as soon as I can"...

Not, "I'll see what I can do"...

Nada...nothing...not a fuckin' word...

Despite the fact...that NO MATTER WHAT GRUDGE Fisher has with me...for whatever bullshit or good reasons that she might have...

WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD THIS EXTEND TO MY GRANDMOTHER...who loves her...and who may be dying...and who'd probably VERY MUCH like to see her, when she gets a chance...

...or my stepmom...who is opening a coffee shop...a venture that Brandi talked about, looked into, and researched for almost as long as I've known her...and probably would really appreciate whatever help Ms. Fisher might be able to offer...

Look...

Brandi...if you're reading...

For the last and final time, Fisher...

I'M NOT TRYING TO UNDERMINE YOUR MARRIAGE...

I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY SUPPORT YOU AND GREG AND YOUR MARRIAGE...so MUCH so that I was hurt that I wasn't invited to your wedding...I've been hurt that I can't meet Greg...or see you or you two together...or just be a NORMAL part of yours and my life:):):):):):):)...

I feel like the fag in the family who all the bigots won't let meet their children for fear that if I'm a homosexual than I must be a pedophile too...or WHATEVER STUPID FUCKIN' RATIONALIZATION that people have for being such insecure, scared, fragile little bitches...

I am your friend, Brandi...and I've been trying to be your friend since day one that I met ya...and sometimes being a friend means telling you shit that you don't like to hear...

In fact, THAT IS EXACTLY how you know that someone is a friend...that they tell you WHATEVER is on their minds...good...bad...ugly...I listen to it, too...

And...in this case...not only am I NOT TRYING TO UNDERMINE YOUR RELATIONSHIP...

I'm trying, honestly, to shore up the places in OUR FRIENDSHIP that you have let slip so that you can do whatever the fuck it is that you and Greg are doing with your relationship...

I love you, hon...I love you as my best friend...and not as a boyfriend...I love you EXACTLY as a best friend or a good friend or a friend that has known your whiny little ass for as long as I've known it...is supposed to love their friends...

Meaning...that if I think there's something up...in OUR FRIENDSHIP, if not in your relationship...

Then I NEED TO BE ABLE TO TELL YOU THAT, FOR GOODNESS FUCKIN' SAKES...

THAT IS WHAT FRIENDSHIP LOOKS LIKE, GODDAMNIT...

And not being able to tell you that shit means that I can't be an honest, more authentic friend to you...

And I just can't fuckin' do that, Fisher...

I gotta be real...to you...to me...to Greg...to everyone...

I gotta be real...

And I need you to be real with me, too, and CUT OUT THE BULLSHIT, Brandi...

Now...

This is where I need feedback...

What am I fucking up, right now...

And Brandi...since you know the situation better than anyone else...you can be the first one to offer up advice:)...

And everyone else too:):):):):):)...

You can comment at the bottom of this post:):):)...you can email me at the emails on my profile...which are benfrankln@yahoo.com and bfrankln@hotmail.com...you can comment on my tripod blog at Building a Better World

You can call me:):):):):):)...at 785 840 9289:):):):):):):)...

You can send me mail:):):):):):):)...or visit me:):):):):):)...at 541 Michigan, Apt. 2, Lawrence, KS 66044:):):):):)...

You can communicate with me HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT (short of sending me Unabomber and/or anthrax mail:):):):):):):)...

And please share your thoughts/feelings/impressions/opinions:):):):):):):)...good..bad...ugly...opinions that are supportive:):):)...opinions that SLAM me:):):)...opinions I'll like:):):):):):)...opinions I won't:):):):):):):)...

Just share them:):):):):):):)...

Please:):):):):):):)...

Cause if there's something I'm not seeing, here, on this one:):):):):):):)...I want to see it:):):):):):):)...

Thanks:):):):):):):)...

I'll await your ideas:):):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Rose just reminded me why I LOVE MY FAMILY -- ALL OF THEM -- my mom, my dad, my step-mom, my siblings, my nieces:):):):):):)...everyone:):):):):):)...

If you haven't had a chance yet, definitely check out...

JustRose's Anonymous Rowhouse:):):):):):)...

Rose TOTALLY reminds me WHY I LOVE MY PARENTS AND TEACHERS -- all of them...elementary, junior high, high school, Sunday school (thanks, Dennis:):):):):):):), college, grad school, and all of the folks in my life (thanks, Brandi:):):):):):) who taught me so much about life:):):):):):)...

Why I love them SO GODDAMN MUCH:):):):):):):)...and why I want to give MAD PROPS and BIG SHOUT OUTS to them:):):):):):):)...

Because they nurtured me in SO MUCH OPENNESS to life:):):):):):)...probably FAR MORE OPENNESS than they experienced or were nurtured in for their own lives:):):):):):)...

And I love them TERRIBLY for it:):):):):):)...

Rose posts yesterday both on her dad:):):):):):) (another really AMAZING AND LOVELY post by Rose:):):):):):)...and on a rune set that she just bought and her very first rune reading:):):):):):)...

For those of you NOT familiar:):):):):):)...I am only vaguely familiar with them:):):)...though I know I've seen them probably many times before, since I grew up in pretty liberal, new-Agree, metaphysical, open-minded, open-hearted, loving church and family circles:):):):):):):):)...

What Rose's post reminded me of, though, was not the runes, per se:):):):):):)...but the really WONDERFUL open-minded, open-hearted circles that I grew up in LARGELY because of the searching and openness and questioning and unashamed and unneedful to be so uncertainty of my wonderful, exploring, wisdom-seeking parents:):):):):):):):):)...

My mom and dad left the Catholic Church when I was around 5 or 6:):):)...I was baptized Catholic, as my grandparents and my parents, at the time, I'm sure, would have wanted it:):):):):):)...

But, from about that time on:):):):):):)...I was raised and nurtured in the most WONDERFUL, SWEET, INCREDIBLE liberal church and political circles in Unity Church in Wichita, Kansas:):):):):):):)...

I was definitely raised in the also wonderfully open, more libertarian conservative Republican circles of the extended Sutherland family:):):):):):)...my grandma and grandpa Sutherland:):):):):)...my Aunt Kathleen:):):) (who, for many years, was like ANOTHER MOM to me:):):):):)...so I guess I've had at least THREE moms in my life:):):):):)...and several more if you count my dad's girlfriends and his second wife, Jan, and his lovely women-friends when we were growing up:):):):):):):):)...my Uncle Paul and Uncle Tommy:):):):)...and their wives:):):):):):)...my Aunt Kristy:):):):):)...and my Aunt Johnna:):):):):)...my Uncle Timmy:):):):):):)...and his wife, Diane:):):):):):)...and her family:):):):):):):)...my Uncle Danny:):):):):):):):):):):):)...my Aunt Bernadette:):):):):):):)...and my Uncle Mike:):):):):)...and, of course, my Aunt Linda and my Uncle Tom:):):):):)...and my cousins Carla, Roseanne, Valerie and the rest of the Ward girls who I ABSOLUTELY ADORE:):):):):):):)...

And the less libertarian, more conservative circles of my grandma Miller (and more liberal:):):)...the three oldest daughters in the Miller family -- my mom, Marcy, my Aunt Bonnie, and my Aunt Connie, were/are and their families were/are all VERY LIBERAL:):):):):):):):):):):)...my more hippy-when-he-was-younger-conservative-Catholic-when-he-was-older:):):):):) (my, oh my, are we gonna have some COLORFUL conversations about the new Pope this Thanksgiving/Christmas:):):):):):):)...my more conservative though-chilling-out-considerably Aunt Sharon:):):):):):)...and Uncle Jim:):):):):):):)...and their really WONDERFUL little family:):):):):)...

But I have to say...

With all the SHIT my family has gone through:):):):):)...

With all of the PITY that many of my extended family have probably RIGHTLY felt for my sad, drama-filled little family:):):):):):):):)...

I would HONESTLY -- not just SENTIMENTALLY, since they are my only family, after all:):):):):):):):):) -- I would HONESTLY not trade my little liberal, new-agey, crazy, drama-filled, open-conflict, loving, stick-together-through-it-all, wonderful, terrific, bright, open-minded, open-hearted, creative, forgiving, sweet, fun, openly hypocritical, openly searching and striving, openly WONDERFUL family and church-family circles that I grew up in...

EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...EVER...

If you paid me a FUCKING MILLION DOLLARS and promised to fulfill all of my sexual, emotional, intenstinal, thrill-seeking, travel-hungry, and even book-and-theater-and-movie-and-music-and-art-oriented needs for the REST OF MY FUCKING LIFE:):):):):):):)...

I would NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVER give them or my life with them -- crazy and imperfect and drama-filled and topsy-turvy -- I would trade my life with them EVER...EVER...EVER...

I love them...

And Rose helped me remember WHY I love them SO MUCH:):):):):):):)...

Because they raised me and were raised with me in such LOVING, OPEN-HEARTED, OPEN-MINDED, OPENLY-LIVED circles together:):):):):):):)...

And I love them all for it so much my heart could burst:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Thanks, Rose:):):):):):)...

You remind me why I love the people close to me SO MUCH, Rose:):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S. Please check out the Dixie Chicks' I Believe in Love when you get a chance:):):):):)...and They Might Be Giants' Backyardigans and I, palindrome, I:):):):):):):):)...and the Decemberists' Grace Cathedral Hill:):):):):):):):):):):)...