Losing faith

The one place I always invested my faith when it was shaky in the world elsewhere was education.

I always believed that education is where people got a fair shot.

And for the first time in my life, I'm not really sure of that, anymore.

That's true as long as you agree. And comply, to their satisfaction.

But not if you question or offer a different explanation or think for yourself, it turns out. Not on the important questions, at least.

For the first time in my life, I'm convinced that intelligence and thought matters. But my faith in education - its politics, its genuine commitment to others and students, the degree to which cynicism or ideas animate it - has been seriously shaken.

I don't trust teachers, anymore, necessarily. And I trust administrators much, much less (administrators, as a rule, in my experience, thusfar, could give two shits about what you think and are much more interested in whether you agree with them or do what they say).

I used to have faith that more honesty was rewarded and paid off. I have much less faith in that notion after Eisenhower. I used to trust teachers and administrators to be fair. I no longer have that faith.

I don't know where that leaves me, exactly. Because my experience, at this point, is that they really don't care as long as you don't agree with them. Any of them. At least when you don't agree on things most important to them, like whether the most important priority in education is to learn or be controlled and compliant. Clearly, most teachers and administrators and just people in the world, these days, have become convinced that the most important value in life is to be compliant.

I wish I did, too, these days. I really do. Because my life would not have been as hard as it has been had I believed this. I wish I could submit myself as quietly as most people can - or at least look like they do when they have to - these days. Because it would have meant much less misery in my life.

I'm sure what they wanted to teach me is that I better do what they fuckin' say or I will pay the fuckin' price.

But really all it did was just lead me to trust them less, and to lose faith, at least for awhile, in an institution and people that I have trusted more than any other, up to this point.

I don't think they care about that, particularly. My experience is that they only care is you agree with them. Otherwise, you're expendable.

Kind of ironic for an institution that says its committed to everyone isn't it?

I wish I'd done something easier. Like theater. Or physics.

But I decided to do political work. And specifically political work in a field that has every interest in proving it's right that the kids they work on behalf of have no real future.

Two and a half more years of this shit and my scholarship is paid off. And then I can go do work that does more real good.

But one guarantee is for sure: there is no real, substantial good that can be done in any field as long rules and compliance are used to shut off and out debate and discussion about whether what we're trying to accomplish is actually being accomplished. It's all lying and bullshit until that conversation is possible.

And one thing I know is that I can't live my life in environments where that kind of discussion is shut out because people just can't be bothered with realities that don't match their self-righteous notions of the world. And I don't care how much that might keep me in a job. I didn't get into this work to keep a job.

I got into this work to make the world a better place. And I have all intentions on doing just that.

Love,
Ben