A life worth living

I spent some quality time with a good friend, last night. And he told me a story that helped me clarify, for myself, what I want with my life.

We were talking about raising kids and growing up. My friend is a dad. A good dad. And we were just talking about time we spent with our fathers at the movies, growing up. I recalled a drive-in my father took us to that was a kind of a rare treat - though I saw many, many movies as a kid, I probably watched more of them with my grandparents than I did with my dad, for lots of reasons, I suppose - and my friend recalled several different stories of drive-ins and movies that he and his sister and his dad shared.

And it occurred to me, at that point, that that was really the kind of life I wanted. There's a lot of big ambitions I have and have had, over the years. And during a time in my life when I did not have a family and I took the relationship I had for granted, all I really wanted was those ambitions. I was obsessed, I think my girlfriend at the time would agree. So obsessed that it was often a disruption for our relationship, which I didn't have enough experience with, at the time, to prioritize over other ambitions.

But, at this point in my life, I am perfectly clear, I suppose because I've been without that or another comparable relationship for almost 7 years, now, that being in love, having a marriage, having a family, spending time with my wife and kids, these are the things I really care about more, today.

When I was in undergrad, I imagined what it would have been like to write something so profound, as so many of the philosophers and thinkers I read had, that people would still be reading what you wrote hundreds of years after you wrote them.

And to me, at the time, this was what a great life might consist of.

There might be truth in that. I have an aspiration like that with a book I'm working on.

But the truth, I realize, today, is that I would never, in as many hundreds of years, trade a life of ambitious writing, thinking, or anything for a life where I have the time and inclination to spend that kind of quality time with my wife and kids, with my family.

And I no longer spend my life anxious about whether or not I would or would not fit in with various intellectual, political, journalistic, academic, or other circles that consumed me when I was in grad school and busy taking that relationship for granted.

I just want a nice life with my kids and wife and friends and family, is the truth. My upbringing and still too much of my family life is full of far too much drama, unecessary and self-righteous conflict and foolish turmoil, and has generally left me with a grounded commitment to a family life that is fairly peaceful and loving and quality time together.

I'm realistic enough, at this point in my life, to know that my kids will make their own choices with their lives, including how happy they are going to be, as they grow up, and that it is wise to have my own life, as well, that is not contingent on their lives or happiness.

But I just don't feel as caught up or as lost in the rat race or all of the anxieties that such a race often consists of that I'm not convinced do for me and my life what I thought they might, at one point. I am still ambitious. Just not in a way that would undermine or take for granted these more important priorities of marriage and family and quality time with people I love.

That's a life worth living, I think.

My uncle Tom, who I think raised a really great family with my Aunt Linda and their six daughters, including my cousin Carla, who I feel really close to as we get older, told me when I was first graduating from college that some people live to work and other people work to live. And what he meant is that some people work because they are convinced that those ambitions will bring more of what they want in life, whereas some people work so that they can provide for their family and then live their lives in time that was left, instead of making their careers and ambitions their entire lives or the center of their lives.

I guess I'm figuring out where my center in life is, I suppose is what I'm saying. I'm figuring out what a life worth living might look like.

I used to watch movies like A River Runs Through It or When Harry Met Sally to get an idea of what a more idealic relationship or more idealic family life might look like.

But movies do always have the drawback of only being movies.

And that simple conversation with a good friend gave me a more realistic idea of what it is that I might want in life.

And I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm completely clear that though ambition, recognition, even money might play roles in my life, that the truth is that I have no interest, nor have I ever had an interest, in any of these things being central to my life.

Maybe that's why so many political folks seem a little out of touch with average folks. Maybe their ambitions center more in their lives, too much in their lives, than do their families or the people they love. Maybe. Who knows.

All I know is that what I really want is to spend time watching movies and going to drive-ins with my kids. I want to get Chinese and watch cable all night on weekends, like my grandparents use to do with my brothers and sisters growing up. I want to be a good dad and a good husband far more than I want to be a well-known or widely-read author or even a respected teacher or rich businessman or any other ambition, for that matter.

And I don't want to ever take the priority for granted in my life ever again.

Sounds like a live worth living, to me. I suppose I better find a girlfriend, at some point, to get the ball rolling.

The political class

I just happened to check out this discussion on Youtube, this morning. I hardly watch television, at all, anymore, it seems so mindless to me, much of the time.

And I have to say that this conversation, and many others I watched this morning, illustrates well that most, if not all people in the Beltway, are good, decent, often thoughtful, flawed people who have very strong opinions about matters that, often, they really do not know answers to.

Watching and reading about the war in Iraq, the most serious and consequential issue we face, right now, and listening to these very ambitious, opinionated people who have far fewer answers to such issues than they pretend to have has very much humbled my view of wisdom in these circles.

Power distorts so many policy discussions, since it is so frequently employed - either formally, in the form of government authority, or informally, in the form of pressure, leverage, or otherwise bullying rather than persuading others of differences - in ways that undermine an honest and practical discussion of how to solve problems.

The Iraq war is one of those problems.

When you take the propensity to leverage and rationalize power out of the equation, this situation becomes not nearly as complicated.

The Iraqis need security amidst a situation that America started, with large majorities of our people supporting this invasion.

American soldiers, Iraqi soldiers, and the Iraqi government say that the Iraqi troops are not ready to take over that responsibility.

American liberals, many of whom opposed this war, up front, want validation that they are right and conservatives are wrong that this war should not have taken place in the first place. They also want fewer American soldiers to die, as everyone does, obviously.

American conservatives, many of whom supported this war, up front - although, the truth is that many, many American, liberal, conservative, and otherwise, supported this war, up front; I know, because I opposed it - want validation that they were right and liberals were wrong that removing Saddam Hussein and other rationales employed for this war were worthy of the sacrifices made. They also want fewer American and Iraqis to die, as everyone does, obviously.

It is not that truth is found somewhere in between. The truth is that power distorts our ability to look at this situation more squarely, as various parties seek to rationalize their own claims on power and their notions that their use of it are more effective than they clearly are to any objective observer not trying to defend its use.

Leveraging the Iraqi government has clearly been ineffective and counterproductive, as has the leveraging of the Iranian government, and leveraging of domestic parties in the U.S.

Not only has it been ineffective and counterproductive, it has sent the message to Iraqis that when Americans say that we have come to liberate you to determine the fate of your own country, that we only mean that insofar as you do what we say - a clear contradiction in terms, if we could ever have the courage and honesty to face that contradiction, and a clear violation of our presumed commitment to Iraqi self-determination, if we could ever let go of the rationalization for power that has overtaken every other policy concern during this political period.

American political leaders and others need to talk with the Iraqi government and not at them. They need to ask them, and their security forces, in particular, and American security forces that are charged with that security detail, currently, and with preparing Iraqi forces for taking over those operations, what they need to take responsibility for these security operations. And they need to provide for that security, first, before any talk about leaving.

We need to cut out the bullshit, is the truth. We need stop pretending like we are having a more honest conversation than we are having. And we need to stop pretending that the bullshit leveraging is not distorting the conversation more than it clearly is, if and when we decide that we are going to face up to the failure of this strategy.

The truth is that none of the people at this roundtable know exactly what to do in Iraq. They talk confidently. They talk eloquently. They talk intelligently. Which is all well and good. But the truth is that they do not know. Nobody knows exactly.

But the terrain does become clearer the less the politics, the power strategies, obstruct the policy, the concern with solutions for serious problems.

In the meantime, this whole war and all of the politics we engage in, right now, becomes one long exercise in theater of the absurd.

It becomes a stage where everyone looks like a fool for acting like they have more answers than they do. Hubris, the Greeks whisper to us. Hubris. The arrogance of pretending that we have more final answers than we really have found. It afflicts every generation. And the hubris is found in the notion that somehow our generation has escaped it. When the truth is that no generation escapes it. Ever. We just, sometimes, hopefully, get closer to answers, the more we try. Sometimes. And if Paul Krugman is any indication, sometimes not, even when we try very hard.

I'm gonna go take a walk. And then do some lesson planning.

It is amusing thinking that at one point at my life all I ever wanted to do was be accepted by such people. Today, I am more aware of their shortcomings. And just kind of amused by them, frankly.

Let's hope such perspective might offer us better opportunities to end this war with honor, dignity, and a concern for the Iraqi people and not just our own self-righteous notions of How Things Are.

I think we owe the Iraqi people that.