Taking time to appreciate people

It's beginning to occur to me, today, as I work with teenagers and all of their teenager ways...

Most of us spend a lot of time thinking about all the ways that people around us disappoint us. I do it. Regularly. It can be a good thing, because it gives me an idea of things I want to avoid and things I want to do better.

But it's occurring to me, today, that none of us, me included, take nearly enough time to just enjoy and appreciate the people in our lives when they are with us. We get so caught up in how they disappoint us, how they make us angry, how they makes us sad, how they hurt us, that we lose track of just appreciating them as they are, right now, and not 10 years down the road when we hope their not so flaky or have such a bad attitude or such a jerk. But just right now, when they are as they are, good and bad.

It's a good reflection to have when you're working with kids. But it's really just a good thought to have with the people you care about in your life.

Most, if not all, of the family, friends, colleagues, kids, and other people in your life are going to disappoint you and fall short of your expectations. All the time. It seems like more often than not, when you think about it, really.

But the truth is that all of them, for the most part, are doing their best. Even when they're slacking or falling down on the job, as I've done a million times, they are generally learning or trying to learn some lesson that you just aren't aware of or clear about. Because you're not them. And you wouldn't have the foggiest idea what it is to be them, until they tell you what their experience of life is. That doesn't mean that we all get a free pass. It just means that we all do better and worse in our lives, and, as a general rule, most people are trying to get life figured out the best they know how.

I have some kids I work with who just seem incomparably arrogant and foolish and sometimes mean and too often whiny and aggressive and lame all at once. They are kids who would be easy for people to give up on.

If they weren't also kids. Human beings. Kids I like, even when they're being such shitheads. Kids who I want to do well, even when they're pissing me off royally which is every day with someone and most days with all of them.

But I love 'em anyway. And though they aren't grown and mature and take school and life seriously the way I want them to take school and life seriously, I care about them an awful lot, is the truth. I want them to have decent lives. I want them to have bright futures and big dreams just like other kids. I just want them to learn how to handle themselves more decently and responsibly and with much more compassion and sensitivity for others, so that they're lives can be productive and meaningful and so they can realize some of their dreams, even with so many obstacles they will face, many of which even they are not really fully aware of yet.

I want to appreciate them for who they are, and not just who I want them to be someday. Although I want to take seriously and I want them to take seriously their need and aspiration to be better people their whole lives.

I want to appreciate them just as they are at 14 or 15 or 16 or 17, just as I wanted to be appreciated for just who I was at the same age and not just who I could be.

It gives me some perspective as I one day have kids of my own. I want to appreciate them just as they are. And not just who I want them to be.

It's my most serious regret from grad school, other than fucking up my relationship with Brandi. That I got so caught up in who I wanted my teachers to be, that I lost track of just appreciating them for who they were. Brandi too. They did the same, in the end, I suppose. As have plenty of people in my life, sadly for them almost more than me, it seems.

I don't want to do that anymore. I've got a good number of decades on this earth, I hope. And I want to enjoy them and the people who I get to spend them with. For who they are. And not just for whom I want them to be.

What a waste of our lives we make wishing for the day that people will be better than they are instead of hoping for better and appreciating people, more, for just who they are in our lives, today, shitheads or not.

That's why I'm more Twain than Mencken. I just like people. Even when they're shitheads. And I miss them when they're gone. Even when they're not everything I want them to be all the time.

And isn't that what we all hope that everyone thinks about us and will think about us when we're gone? That they'll miss us, even with all our faults and mistakes and foolishness.

Loving people for who they are. People who can do that are the people I respect the most. Above smart or accomplished, any day of the week. Though having a big heart and being smart and being accomplished is to be someone I admire. And those folks are too rare and special to ignore.

I better get to bed, here, soon.

I have kids to teach tomorrow. And it's hard to appreciate them when I'm cranky.

It's harder to appreciate them when they're being little shitheads. But it gets easier the more I remember that even when some of them are being dumbasses and shitheads, they're just kids trying to find they're way in the a world that, for many of my kids, at least, has been unkind, topsy-turvy, ungrounded, and generally not stable enough for kids, at this point in their lives. And my hope is to provide them with a life that offers them a bit more wholesomeness and steadiness and genuine concern for their long-term welfare above the more self-centered concerns that occupy too many of the people in their lives, and even too many of the folks who could probably give two shits about them, most days.

Anyway, I got to be up for them, in the morning. And they count on me to be in good shape, mentally. Otherwise it's harder to appreciate them and my time with them.

Love,
Ben