Spending time alone...

Sometimes I feel so taken for granted:)...there are rare times in my life -- that have gotten more frequently, lately -- that I just don't want to talk with anyone...so tired do I get of people not giving a shit...and playing life to the lowest common denominator...and bullshitting me and themselves...

This is one of those times...

Man, have I gotten shit on quite a bit this last week...and...though I know that people who engage in it must get some private thrill from being such dicks...

I'm just tired of it...

I just have a serious issue with people who keep swimming in their own bullshit and can never take any responsibility for it, at all...and when their bullshit involves fucking with me...

It just makes it so hard to take the high road...when everyone seems to be taking the low road...because they just can't quite find it in themselves to be grown-ups...

It's a rare quality to see someone take the high road...when the low road is just too easy and tempting to pass up...no matter how many people you cut off and fuck with to take the shortcut...

I guess I kind of understand the temptation...I'm like anyone else...I don't always do the right thing or the best thing...

I do my best not to rationalize it...

I guess...when I think about that...that I fail at that...a lot...and not just small things...big things...I'm just as human as anyone else on the big things as much as the small things...

But I try to both be responsible for that...

And to be pretty open-hearted with myself and others when I or others screw up...

A lot of it is from my experiences growing up, I think...

I had a dad who made a lot of mistakes...but who was much more responsible than my mom about taking responsibility for them...

And I had a mom who I love...but who was much more self-righteous...and who lamed out of responsibility quite a bit...but pointing fingers plenty...

Meaning...I had a dad who just more responsible than my mom...

And the contrast was a stark lesson in what it really meant to be a good human being...

Being good...I've learned...does not at all mean not doing bad...because if it did...none of us could qualify...

Being good...means doing your best...and when you screw up...you do your best to notice it...acknowledge it...and take responsibility for it...

And all self-righteousness does is help reinforce our own foolish behavior...it acts as one long self-defense...against taking responsibility for our bullshit...

Which would be much facilitated, really...if we learned to be less self-righteous...and to accept each other and our mistakes more readily...

It's so funny...

My favorite bit of wisdom from Jesus...is that we often pluck the splinter from someone else's eye...before we pluck the beam from our own...

The older I get...

The more I realize that this is more truism than approbation...

Jesus was guilty of it too...

And was still this really great guy, despite it:):):)...

If I was hanging out with Jesus:):):)...

I'd probably be like..."Hey, dude...why so much yelling and screaming and throwing the merchant's stuff, like that, in the temple...maybe you need some "me time," Jesus:):):)...maybe a vacation at the Crawford Ranch:):):)...or Martha's Vineyard:):):)...or maybe just time with some movies...or a night out with friends:):):)"...

I think Jesus would have been one of the cooler people to hang out with, during his time:):):)...

But I probably would have tried to help him chill out, some:):):)...

But then again...he was dealing with a lot of shit that I'm not:):):)...

And a lot of my friends don't understand my reactions all the time...

And a lot of the time its because I'm dealing with more shit than they are aware...

I guess I just feel that if we didn't all take out our shit on one another so much...

If we could all be more decent to one another...and sensitive to one another...

And not such assholes all the time...

Then we'd all...

...stop being such assholes to one another all the time:):):)LOL:):):)...

Which seems like a pretty good thing to me, you know?:):):)...

Not being such assholes to one another, all the time:):):)...

It just seems like not being such assholes would just be a better world than being such assholes to one another all the time...

I know:):):)...it's a complicated concept:):):)...

What's complicated, I think...is being aware, more, of what assholes we can all be...all of us...no exceptions...nowhere...period:):):)...and if you think you're not being an asshole...it's a sure sign that you are and that you're being a particularly recalcitrant asshole who just doesn't want to come to terms with what an asshole you're being:):):)...

You may fool a lot of people:):):)...but you don't fool me:):):)...

Which is alright:):):)...

Because I'll forgive you and me and all of us more readily and authentically for it:):):)...

I can't do it instantly...unfortunately:):):)...though I'm working on that, more:):):)...

But I'll do my best:):):)...

Which is the only thing I can really expect from anyone, I think...

But that's not my frustration, right now...

My frustration, right now...is that so many people are constantly taking the low road...

That so many people get lost in their own bullshit...acting like it's no big deal...or trying to make it looks prettier than it really is...

I don't equivocate...I've been a real asshole more times than I can count in my life...

But what's really been pissing me off, lately...

Is so many people pretending that they're not being real assholes when they are...

Either with open aggressiveness and bullying...

Or with passive aggressiveness and more subtle nastiness...

And sometimes it just leads me to want to just spend some time alone...you know?...just get away from people, altogether...

Sounds crazy, doesn't it?...

That someone who's whole life is centered around making peoples' lives better...including his own:):):)...

Would want to spend so much time on his own...and just get away from people for awhile...while I just kind of turn to the one person in my life who I can count on to be decent to me, most of the time...

Me...

Tonight...I'm just listening to some Van Morrison:):):)...and some Sinead O'Connor -- her version of "You Do Something To Me," off of the Red, Hot, and Blue album is the best I've ever heard of that song:):):)...

And just being by myself...

Wondering if I'll ever be able to hang out with friends...

And ever just have them say, "I'm sorry for being such a prick"...

It seems like such a simple thing, doesn't it?...

Just saying "I'm sorry for being such a dick"...and meaning it...not doing it to appease me...doing it because they really feel bad for being kind of shitty...

When I was in grad school...after Brandi's mom and I got in a stupid fight about balancing my checkbook:):):)...

I apologized...after spending the night at my grandma's house...instead of at Brandi's and her mom's house:):):)...

And Brandi's aunt Dory told me...

"It's a big man who says that they're sorry"...

And...at this point in my life...I realize...

This is what makes a big person, period...

This is what makes us grown-ups in our lifetime...

Our capacity to say...

"I'm sorry"...

It seems so simple, doesn't it?...

How is it that something so simple gets so complicated by our foolish, overly aggressive, overly defensive, dumbass natures?:):):):):):):)...

Who knows:):):)...

I just know that it would nice to have more big people in my life...more grown-ups...

In my life...and in life, generally...

Rather than the same old bullshit...and cynicism...and not caring...and not giving enough of a shit...and thick skins...

And all the defenses that keep us all acting like such children, all the time...

Wouldn't it be nice to have a world...a community...a life...

Surrounded by people who take responsibility more readily?...who support one another, better, to take responsibility better?...who act more like grown-ups more often...more like big people...

Rather than just having a handful of big people...that we read...and study...and glean wisdom from...

Wouldn't it be great to have a whole world full of them?...

I think so:)...

A world of people who both take full advantage of the freedom and equity and decency and humanity, generally, that the world has to offer...

And who work, constantly, to enlarge it...in both big ways...and in all the million smaller ways that make our lives so good...and that we completely take for granted...all the time...

That's my vision, at least...

A world where we each and where we all...take more ready responsibility for our own lives...

And for one another...

A world of bigger people...all learning and growing:):)...

And supporting the growth and learning of one another along the way:):):)...

I know some people like this:):):)...

Though they are few and far between, sometimes:):):)...

Almost everyone I've ever met, personally, in life, seems to do this...but it is a wonderful and rare quality to meet people who do this regularly:):):)...

And I suppose we all slip...God knows I do:):):)...so I know I need to cut people still and always more slack:):):)...

And it is a real pleasure to meet people who look to take the high road in life...

Even when the low road is just so tempting...

I don't know if they make more money...

I don't know if Van Morrison...or Bob Marley...or Dar Williams...or They Might Be Giants...or Indigo Girls...or Crash Test Dummies...or Arrested Development...or Louis Armstrong...or any of my favorite musicians make or made more money...

I don't know...

I don't care...

I just remember the feeling I felt when I first heard Van Morrison and Bob Marley...making love with my first really serious girlfriend...

Or Dar Williams...or Sinead O'Connor and Annie Lennox off of the Red Hot and Blue album...being so thoroughly in love with my second and last really serious girlfriend...

Or Indigo Girls...or Crash Test Dummies...or Arrested Development when I needed to listen to someone who had something new and valuable and beautiful to say about people...and the world...

Or how much I really value reading someone like Amartya Sen...or Abraham Maslow...or Joe Nye...or Gordon Wood...or Stephen Ambrose...or Desmond Tutu...or Martin Luther King...or Mohatma Ghandi...or Buddha...or Jesus Christ...or Joseph Campbell...or Albert Einstein...

When I want to read someone who seems to have really deep, powerful insights into the world...

I guess a lot of people could give two shits about that kind of stuff...

About caring more about the world...

But I do...

And I wish more people did too...

And I want to do my part to create a world where...as much as possible...

People are just more grown-up...

Where they take the high road, more often...

Where they work more...to be better human beings...

To be more decent...to be more thoughtful...to care more...about themselves...and about others...

And sometimes...ironically...in the course of that...

I just want to be away from people, I guess...

And just spend time with the one person I can count on to be most decent with me...me...

The more people treat me like shit...the more they take me for granted...and the less they can just say, "I'm sorry"...

The more I just want to spend time with myself...

Just be away from peoples' bullshit...

Until they can finally pull themselves out of it...

Enough to begin to grow up...

To look at themselves honestly in the mirror...

And just be responsible for themselves...

It's such a rare quality...

That one...

But I'd rather hold out for the possibility...that people can learn how to do that...

Than just keep doing the same ol', same ol'...

Goddamn, Van Morrison is awesome:):):)...thanks Jenny, for introducing me to him:):)...my first love:):)...and some of the first music I ever made love to...

You know how long since I've been in love?:)...

It's been a long time...

Almost four years...well...I was in love well past four years ago...but four years ago was the last time I shared love with anyone:)...

Van Morrison reminds me that it'd be nice to share that with someone again...

You know when you're in love and you don't have to do anything special...maybe get some wine and some flowers...maybe make some dinner...have some candlelight...maybe check out a movie...or visit with friends...and just make love...and lay in bed together...

I miss that:):)...

It's so amazing to me that so many people spend so much time trying to fill up their time:):):)...

When...when you've had that feeling:):):)...you know it's the only feeling that really matters, down deep, in the world...

The intimacy that comes with really loving someone...being in love with them...down deep...

I just watched Barefoot in the Park for the third time, again, this morning:):):)...

And I was reminded...watching Robert Redford and Jane Fonda being two really sweet young newlyweds just being in love...

Of what that was like, again:):)...

That's how we all spend more of our time, I think...

Loving one another...

Being in love:):):)...

Laying in bed with someone special...sharing our hopes and dreams...and frustrations...and supporting one another:):):)...

And feeling inspired to be better people, as a consequence:):):)...

It's very much like I told Brandi about our relationship:):):)...

That...together:):):)...our love made us more than either of us could be totally on our own:):):)...

That love that inspires us to be better people, I think...

It's a nice feeling:):)...

I'm gonna make some mac and cheese...listen to Van Morrison...and Dar Williams...and every romantic song I can get my hands on:):):)...and go to bed, I think:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...snuggle up with someone you love, this weekend:):):)...hope you're all doing well:):):)...

Love,
Ben