I'm exhausted after a long night at work:):)...
It was a particularly long night, last night...even as we are making some really great progress in how the guys are treating one another...
Far less verbal aggression (as psychologists would more technically refer to being an asshole) last night and last week than in the past...
Definitely some serious issues...Deway and Kevin (the new Kevin) traded barbs all over first break...then they chilled out...neither wanted to do a lot of work for awhile...and then, by the end of the night, they seemed to working with each other better again...
Kevin and I have some issues that we had some fairly cool-headed conflict about, last night...Kevin just started and has the dual tendency to be both 1) not the most proactive member of the team, shall we say, and 2) bossy...now...if you don't want to work...no real issue with me...as long as you stay out of my way...but if you want to avoid work AND boss me around, like I'm some kind of servant...then we are likely to have issues...and that was Kevin's and my issue last night...
My lead, Fred and I, both addressed the need to take more responsibility...me nicely and Fred nicely but less nicely:):)...and I addressed the bossiness/condescension issue at the end of the night(there is nothing I hate more, I think, than someone calling out orders on something they know nothing or close to nothing about to people who know, better, what they're doing:):):)...very tedious, as Brandi would say:):):)...
And we made a lot of progress on these smaller issues...but also on the bigger issues of chilling everyone out...
The biggest and most pleasant surprise was our supervisor (the big boss), Ben, really chilling out by the end of the week...Ben is no longer riding crew members...and after an unsuccessful bid to have leads crack down on crew members, only to lead to open rebellion that solved not one goddamned thing (when will people learn, I always wonder:):):), he and leads are focussing on the path that will lead to more progress...namely...joking with guys...talking honestly...getting realistic about expectations (especially since our expectations have just changed pretty sharply...when all you're focussed on is numbers, ours is an easier game...but when it becomes numbers and ship confirm errors and quality product -- meaning noting and preventing damage to doors -- then you just can't keep pushing the aggressive numbers game...if you want people to be careful...then you got to give them time to do so)...
I can tell that Ben has this feeling like many efforts he makes to make things better aren't appreciated...so I try my best to tell him thank you and that's he's doing a good job in a way that won't leave him feeling condescended, which is certainly not my intention...
When I think about it...one thing I totally take for granted with Ben is that he has learned, to a great degree, how to pick his battles...
Meaning...contrary to the really terrible advice of conservatives like James Q. Wilson and George Will...
Ben doesn't nitpick every rule/expectation in the book, at all...he knows what things are really important -- at least in an Amarr context -- and which one's aren't...in fact...most of the conservatives I've worked with know better than to apply to foolish bit of theoretical fancy...
Ben wears a King of the Hill hat, a lot, these days...which totally endears me...since I love that show...and how much it speaks to average mom and pop conservative America...and their desire not to be condescended by liberals and intellectuals, like me...I love Hank Hill:):)...and Mike Judge's ability to make fun of the people that I most identify with:):)...other than intellectuals:):)...and poets and novelists and people who write cheesy, hopeful self-help books:):):)...
And the thing I respect most about Ben is that when he has an issue with you, he does seem to address it with you...granted...he is unfair, often, in the exchange...meaning he wants to be able to talk honest with you...but he doesn't want you to talk as honestly back...and he does have a little bit of the, "I'm a lead therefore I get special privileges, including the perogative to treat you however I damn well please" bullshit going...
But...overall...he's a decent guy...and he's getting and has gotten a lot better...slowly...over time...
I guess what's been really hard for me is how much I feel that Ben, as one really important example, and too many of the guys have just kind of checked me off, up front, as not possibly competent in a warehouse setting, because I'm book smart...it's kind of tedious, really...and what's so frustrating about it is they just don't know just how incredibly committed I am about facilitating intelligence and proving to intellectuals that everyone can be smart and is smart, in different contexts, given enough patience and support and challenge...
And then I get all kinds of shit about not having some elusive quality that serves as one long defense for why smart doesn't matter (when it clearly does if folks would get their heads out of their asses)...even as I am probably their most powerful advocate...
It's very much like poverty work, in many ways...
The very people who you want to open up possibilities for...are the ones who, too often, treat you like the most shit...
Except...then I remember that unchecked arrogant intellectuals are just as bad if not worse...
The truth is that we all kind of treat each other like shit, too often...
And instead of acknowledging this...we spend an awful lot of time trying to rationalize it...so we don't have to face what pricks we can often be...
This has always been true...we have gotten better at it...and the difference for me, now, and me, when I was younger, on this question, now...is that now I am a part of a process that has had slow, progressive demonstrable results in terms of change...
Whereas...when I was young...I just wished all the bullshit away...waiting...elusively...for the day when I would escape all the assholes...and hang out with just the nice people...
Which doesn't exist, as it turns out...
But...as we get better at it...it gets better...and we get closer to something like that:)...
Which would be nice, really:):)...if we could all just face, better, what assholes we can be...
The guys are still assholes, too much of the time, at Amarr...they still boss me and each other around, too much of the time...there is still too many trying to prove themselves, too much, especially around issues that really don't matter, in the big picture...and there is still far too little sensitivity toward one another...
But it's changing:):):)...slowly:):):)...
And I always have to take a step back and remember why I like working with assholes more than with passive aggressive victims...
Because assholes have their bullshit all out in the open, to see...they aren't necessarily trying to pretend that they are better than they are, much of the time...and long term...that means that you can effect change with them, better...because the one person that needs to stop being fooled by their pretenses -- themselves -- has less space to hide:):):)...
I learned that lesson with my mom and my dad...
My dad was kind of an open asshole, often, when we were young...but that just made him more open to learning how to improve his behavior, I think, because, unlike my mom, he wasn't looking to self-righteously defend what an asshole he was...
And today...he is definitely the better parent of the two...and I am definitely closer with my dad than with my mom:):):)...because I would much rather you be an asshole, openly...and then take responsibility for it...than self-righteously defend what an asshole or a bitch you are and pretend like you're doing a better job of treating people well than you are...because you're just too chickenshit to face your own bullshit...and too small a person to learn how to say, "I'm sorry"...even if its just in your own heart...
I'm exhausted...I think I'm going to go to bed...
Hope everyone has a great weekend:):):)...
Love,
Ben
