Baby steps:):):):):):)...
I don't know what's been happening recently...I'm trying to figure it out...
But I haven't been trusting people a lot, lately...
I trust myself...
But I've just had some people REALLY FUCK with me, lately...at work...among my friends...suprisingly not among family, lately:):):)...but some of my closest friends in the world, lately...
And it's been really fucking with me...
With some it's been distance...
With others it's been bullying...
At work it's definitely been bullying (one girl in particular...even as my immediate team seems to be gelling better, lately:)...
I don't know what people think that they can sustain relationships through bullying...
Or why they don't take seriously that there's a problem when they're being distant...
They just do...
I take my relationships seriously...so I take very seriously when these things happen...
It's a sign of problems...that need resolution...and none of the more foolish ways of handling those problems will sustain themselve, any more...
And something else has to be developed...
A lot of the things that make relationships work, I think, are pretty straightforward...love...being assertive without being aggressive or exclusive...talking through problems as they come up...being emotionally and socially open so you can know what's going on with folks as they are happening...and so they can know what's going on with you:)...being open to others without sacraficing yourself...taking on the challenges of relationships, even when they seem painful and difficult...
One of the major problems that I've had in my relationships, lately, is that I have a lot of folks in my life who do their best to avoid the really difficult stuff...
Not my style...
I confront problems, head-on, as much as possible...
Unless I just don't have the energy to take them on in the moment:):):)...and then I'm just waiting until I do:):):)...
And then I want to take those problems on with as much honesty and openness and love and authentic feeling and thinking and relating as possible:)...
But an AWFUL LOT OF PEOPLE, I'm learning, both avoid this kind of open relationship...and, subsequently, they aren't as experienced at handling it, perhaps...
I don't know...I'm not trying to be "the expert"...just trying to understand what's going on right now:)...
Maybe that's what it is...maybe folks are just stumbling through some difficult issues and I just need to be more supportive while also being on the look-out for back-sliding, where folks want to bully their way through problems rather than deal with them assertively but honestly and sensitively...
If anyone hasn't figured it out, yet...I am not an easy person to bully, AT ALL:):):)...in fact I'm probably more aware of ways to work around it than most folks I know:):):)...and am better at identifying it, much of the time, I think, than a lot of folks who want to rationalize it and the rest of their bullshit rather than being responsible for it:):):)...
Me...I know that bullies -- like all people -- only respect strength:):):)...so that's what I offer, as much as possible:):):)...
Authentic strength:):):)...
...the kind that doesn't have to bully to address issues:):):)...
Bullies, as the old cliche goes, are just scared little bitches:):):)...bullying is a resort of the weak to deal with their fears of an unpredictable, complicated world:):):)...
But bullying only creates MORE problems:):):)...it doesn't resolve the original problems:):):)...
And the best evidence of that is the PERSISTENCE of the very problems that bullies often want to rationalize as the indication of the need for their presence:):):):):):)...
Because the thing that kind of sucks about bullies is that they NEVER WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR BULLSHIT:):):):):):)...they're self-righteous by nature:):):)...because self-righteousness is a common reaction to the fear that one doesn't know what the hell one is doing:):):):):):)...
You see it all the time:):):)...those who have no clue what they're doing generally scream the loudest that they do know:):):)...
Fred Phelps:):):)...Osama Bin Laden:):):)...Eric Rudolph:):):)...Black Panthers:):):)...Al Sharpton:):):)...David Horowitz:):):)...Andrea Dworkin:):):)...Noam Chomsky:):):)...Terry Randall:):):)...
And the truth is that the more you're shrilling asserting that you know EXACTLY how the world is, the less you're open to learning and understanding and growing:):):)...the less open you are...the more self-righteous you are:):):)...the less you learn:):):)...
A sure sign of someone who shouldn't be trusted with someone's faith:):):):):):)...
I don't know exactly what's going on lately...if folks are just having a hard time facing that about themselves...or if they're just being shitheads...or I don't know what:):):)...
I just know people have been acting really wierd, lately:):):)...so many of my liberal friends have been acting more self-righteous and angry and proud...sometimes this is great:):):)...being proud of being a liberal:):):)...
I have to say that it's great living in a liberal city in the middle of conservative Kansas that just voted to ban marriages amongst my gay friends and being around a lot of folks who all think and voted (Douglas County voted very differently than the rest of Kansas on this matter...and on many matters, for that matter:):):) that a ban on gay marriage is a giant load of shit:):):)...and everyone feeling solace in the fact that though this battle was lost, that it will eventually be won...because you know that you're on the right side of the question:):):)...
But something else less constructive is going on as well, I think:)...my conservative friends are sometimes being more authentically open to liberal ideas -- which I LOVE and think is REALLY GREAT...especially when it involves being open to really good liberal ideas:):):) (bad liberal ideas can and should be left behind just like bad conservative ideas or bad Marxist ideas or bad libertarian ideas or bad anarchist ideas or bad radical/socialist ideas or bad theocratic ideas or whatever:):):):):):)...
But then...other times...my conservative friends are acting like they're just waiting for liberals to start beating them over the head with liberal orthodoxy...too quick to compromise, even when the compromise is not what they authentically think or when it's just not good for them or anyone else, for that matter:):):)...
Like the tide is turning, in some ways, and that liberals are getting ready to take advantage of their new influence...and conservatives are just waiting to get beaten over the head with it...
This is not a good state of affairs...and doesn't deal well enough, I don't think, with the authentic issues that need to get resolved...either politically...or between us as in our personal relationships...
Compromise...as Stephen J. Covey of the Seven Principles of Highly Effective People fame states, accurately, I think...is a lower trust way of resolving a problem...
It doesn't build the kind of trust that needs to happen in a relationship that really supports growth:):):)...
It breaks down because it's not authentic:):):)...
Or as all the young people are saying these days:):):)...
Compromise means that you're not "keeping it real":):):)...
And...as much as possible in our relationships -- political, personal, or otherwise -- we need to be "keeping it real":):):)...
That's why, fundamentally, a gay marriage ban is such a BAD IDEA, in addition to the fact that insults my gay friends, for good reason...
It insults my gay friends because it tells them to go back in the closet...or that you can be out of the closet...just don't expect that your bedroom will ever been seen as "as good" as my bedroom...because it won't, so this line of reasoning goes...I'm better than you and there's nothing you can do about it except for stop being such a fag and sleeping with people of your own sex...
It's bullshit, is what it is...and it asks gay folks to live bullshit lives that are not them...it tells them to stop being what they are so that heterosexual folks and conservative Christian folks don't have to deal with the fact that their difference does not constitute a threat to their own marriages...
That the problems in heterosexual Christian marriages are THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY...and not ones that will be resolved by ganging up on some minority group who can deflect attention away from those problems, temporarily, while they quietly freak out that they have NO CLUE how to deal with a lot of the complicated problems in their own relationships -- with spouses...with kids...with immediate and extended family -- and that they are constantly afraid that they will fall apart, as a consequence:):):)...
I have learned -- no offense to a lot of my conservative friends -- but that AN AWFUL LOT of my conservative and conservative Christian friends spend a lot of time LECTURING others about taking responsibility and FAILING to and AVOIDING taking responsibility in their own lives:):):)...
As this REALLY GREAT political cartoon in the Lawrence Journal World, this morning, parodies:):):)...
Tom Delay spends the early part of his day lecturing judges that he is going to hold them accountable in Congress:):):)...and then the greatest proportion of his day trying to AVOID responsibility for his own messes in Congress:):):):):):)...
Now...Tom Delay is one man:):):)...who is responsible for himself and his own life and his own choices:):):):):):)...and liberal and unaffiliated folks avoid responsibility, as well:):):):):):)...
But they just don't lecture others about it quite as much:):):)...
Many of my friends are open hypocrits:):):)...and then some of my friends are just less open hypocrits:):):):):):)...being hypocritical:):):)...but just not taking any even quiet responsibility for their hypocrisy as they do so:):):):):):)...
Which is kind of ironic, I think:):):)...
Since Jesus Christ's MOST IMPORTANT lessons in the Bible, I thought:):):)...were about the splinter and the beam:):):)...
...that we should pluck the beam from our own eye...before we pluck the splinter from our neighbor's eye:):):)...
Now THAT's authentic responsibility:):):)...THAT's authentic humility:):):)...and leading by example:):):):):):)...
And a lot of my conservative friends seem to be learning this, more lately:):)...while a lot of my liberal friends are all pissed off that they're getting their asses kicked, I guess...and are just in a mood to kick someone else's ass, maybe...
I don't know...
I just know that people are acting wierd, lately:)...
And I know that I've been shoveling a lot of the bullshit in the meantime:):):)...
And I'm just kind of confused about it all:):):)...
Wondering what's going on:):):):):):)...
I guess we'll all need to communicate much more honestly and openly for that to happen:):):):):):)...
And I guess some of my friends and I are just stumbling through that, right now:):):):):)...
But it's been awfully confusing, lately, I have to say:):):)...
I just hope it gets easier in the next couple of weeks or so:):):)...with some experience:):):)...
Because the fights, lately, have been BIG FIGHTS...not small ones...
And it's just REALLY OVERWHELMING to have so many BIG FIGHTS, recently, ALL AT THE SAME TIME...
It's made me a little paranoid and a little less trusting, lately...even as there are places where things have gotten more open and more trusting...
Strange, huh?...
I don't know...that's just what I'm seeing, right now:):):)...
Some common themes in the fights?...People saying they want...
No politics...
Less talking...
Less intellectual discussion...
Fewer mistakes...
None of which are possible or legitimate requests, I don't think...
So I don't know what to tell people...
Mistakes are NECESSARY for learning...learning CANNOT happen FOR ANYONE without them:):):)...
Politics is a part of me and a part of my life...and if you have an issue with that...then you need to deal with that issue and stop putting your shit off on me...I don't ask you to stop talking sports or music or about your family or what the fuck ever...
And I'm never going to stop talking about politics...
Ever...
Ever...
Ever...ever:):):)...so go fuck yourself and get used to it, you big pussy:):):):):):)...
Less intellectual discussion, by definition, makes you DUMBER, not SMARTER...and I'm not interested in EITHER OF US getting dumber instead of smarter:):):)...
And talking is how I stay open about me and my life:):):)...which is healthier for me:):):)...
I'll try to be sensitive if folks don't feel like talking:):):)...and I spend an awful lot of time just thinking quietly to myself:):):)...
But the less sensitive you are to my feelings, then, likely, the less sensitive I'm going to yours, you fuckin' dumbass:):):):):):)...
So if you DEMAND that I do a GODDAMN THING:):):):):):)...
Then I feel nor do I demonstrate any obligation in the least to be sensitive to your feelings, really at all:):):):):):)...
And if you don't like that:):):):):):)...
Then you can stop being such a fuckin' prick, you fuckin' self-centered asshole:):):):):):)...
And if you still don't like that policy, then you can go fuck yourself, dumbass:):):):):):)...
Because if you play low trust with me, then I'm likely to play lower trust than normal with you:):):):):):)...and we can go as low on that as you want until you've decided that you've bottomed out and that you want to get to higher ground:):):):):):)...
Where there's a lot more sunshine:):):):):):)...and where it's better for everyone:):):)...really:):):)...
It'll just take some work on your part and on my part:):):):):):)...
And so goes ALL GROWN-UP RELATIONSHIPS:):):):):):)...
And if you're having problems with that:):):):):):)...
Then I suggest that you GROW UP:):):):):):):):):):):):)...
Goodness sakes, people:):):):):):)...
Hope everyone's having a great Sunday:):):):):):)...the weather here is BEAUTIFUL:):):):):):)...and Melissa and I have had a great time just exploring Lawrence and Massachusetts Street where all of the fun shops and diverse Lawrence business is at:):):):):):)...
I love this town:):):):):):)...
...but I especially love Mass St.:):):):):):)...as I think most people in Lawrence feel:):):):):):)...
It's a place of openness...and authentic diversity:):):) (we've had TWO Christian book/clothing stores open up on Mass in the last couple of years in liberal, univerisity-town Lawrence, this year:):):):):):)...it's VERY EXCITING:):):):):):)...
And energy:):):)...and life:):):):):):)...and growing:):):)...
...and living:):):):):):)...
It's great:):):):):):)...
If you ever get to Lawrence:):):)...I HIGHLY suggest strolling down Massachusetts Street:):):):):):)...
When my dad was last in town:):):)...I took him to Paradise Cafe, which was still open then and was and hopefully will open again as my favorite breakfast place in town:):):) (Paradise went bankrupt a couple of years ago...and Vermont Street Barbeque opened up in it's space...it's still kind of wierd for me to go by Vermont St. BBQ and think, "I used to be able to order gingersnap pancakes there":):):)...
I took my dad there because it was my favorite breakfast place in town:):):):):):)...but I guess some bank decided that profit was more important than a really great breakfast place:):):):):):)...someone had a trip to Fiji to finance:):):):):):)...
...so the gingerbread pancakes had to go:):):)...
But, hopefully:):):)...Paradise will open up again soon enough:):):):):):)...
In the meantime:):):):):)...I still love Mass:):):):):):)...
And we had a sweet little day just walking in the beautiful weather:):):)...walking and talking:):):)...eating at Mass St. Deli:):):)...checking out albums at the Love Garden:):):)...the really AWESOME used music store in town:):):) (and quickly becoming my FAVORITE music store in town, really:):):)...
I saw an American punk album there that I was thinking that I should tell Jas that he could try to trade the History of British Rock album that I got him for his birthday for:):):)...I got it because Jas HATES the British:):):)...and I thought it would be funny:):):)...
...but he might enjoy the American punk album, instead:):):):):):)...it's got a bunch of bands that used to play at the CB-GB in New York back in the day:):):)...I remember some names:):) -- the Miamis, is one:):):) -- but I didn't really know the bands very well:):):)...
But...anyway:):):)...I was just thinking that maybe Jas might want to trade his album there sometime:):):)...
I love this town:):):)...even with all its bullshit:):):)...it's like a really wonderful dysfunctional family that's just LESS DYSFUNCTIONAL that most other towns/families:):):):):):)...
I imagine this period will pass...as it always does:):):)...
Just right now it sucks...as people get figured out whether they want to build authentic trust:):):)...
Or whether they want to deal with all the bullshit that comes with trying to bully and compromise and play all kinds of games in life that just leave people feeling upset with you and leaving noone feeling happy:):):)...
Maybe it's a better idea to just search more authentic connection with one another:):):)...to live our own lives more authentically...and more decently:):):):):):)...
But I guess we all have to work through all the bullshit, in the meantime:):):):):):)...
We'll work through it, I hope:):):)...
Because if we don't, I'll have to find new friends:):):):):):)...and that's always a bitch:):):)...
I don't want to trade in my friends:):):):):):)...I like them just the way they are:):):):):):)...
...and maybe just a little bit more open to growth and learning and exploring life than they've been in the past:)...
...which...when I think about it...is exactly where they're/we're at now...
Right now...we're just exploring:):):)...
We're just stumbling along:):):)...like little babies learning how to crawl and then how to walk:):):):):):)...
It just takes time:):):)...and a lot of mistakes:):):)...and a lot of stumbling:):):)...
...before you finally learn to walk on your own:):):)...
...and maybe hold hands along the way:):):)...
Hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...
Love,
Ben
