Vegi pad thai, Miller 1855, and Endless Sunshine on the spotless mind...

Well...I came home and celebrated:):):)...

First...I bragged for about an hour to Melissa like a foul-mouthed sailor about my most recent successes in my classes...getting my first taste of sweet vindication as I recounted just how quickly we've been able to establish a pretty high standard of behavior and a serious focus on academic achievement in a very short period of time in a class for kids dealing with serious behavior and achievement issues...

And, specifically, having one of my kids with the biggest behavioral and academic challenges be one of my brightest stars, this morning...one of the most inspiring things I've ever had happen in a classroom in my life, nevertheless in my teaching career..

And then we ordered take-out from my favorite little Vietnamese place in Lawrence...the best vegi pad thai I've ever had in my entire life (other than my friend Francis' pad thai)...picked up some cheap beer...Miller 1855, which actually turned out to be really good, surprisingly (I just got it because it was cheap and different and I hadn't tasted it before...but it actually turned out to be really good...darker than your typical Miller...definitely the best Miller beer I've ever had in my entire life)...

And came home and watched Endless Sunshine on the spotless mind...one of my favorite little love/break-up stories, and one of the first movies that Melissa and I ever saw together at this really awesome little artsy theater in Milwaukee...

All before Melissa went to go make pot-luck snacks for a going-away party tomorrow at work with her new "friend":):):)...Eric:):):)...I think she's kind of got a crush:):):)...I hope he's a good guy:):):)...

A beautiful way to celebrate a really pretty brilliant day:):):)...and further confirmation, for me, that my efforts and my thoughts are very much on the right track:):):)...

I am such a little bitch, too:):):)...because all I can think that would make this moment even more beautiful...

Would be someone special to share it with...someone with my kind of passion and commitment and thoughtfulness and love for people and life:):):)...

I know it will be powerful once I find it:):):)...

But it's a pain in the ass just sitting around waiting for it...joining pathetic websites for people seeking love...developing crushes on every girl I meet:):):)...watching movies with Kirsten Dunst in her panties:):):)...

When the truth is that I would give anything to have that kind of love, again...for the first time...whatever...

I just want to have my heart pounding so hard that I can barely keep it in my chest...I want to my head to swim so hard I can barely focus on work or anything responsible...I want my priorities to totally shift as I think about spending my life with someone who blows me away as a human being...

That's not too hard to ask, is it?:):):)...

If you haven't seen Endless Sunshine, you definitely should...your life is incomplete without it...I guarantee it:):):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Can I just say that it kind of sucks not to have someone to celebrate today with?

...that everyone I know is either...

...fighting me...a lot of ego games...a lot stubborness...and a lot of people just not even willing to consider that I might be right about my thinking about people...and they might be wrong...

...just don't get it...they don't share my passion...or enthusiasm...and, very often...just don't care about these kids or kids, period, or people, period, as much as I do...Melissa is supportive...but she's definitely not as passionate about people, generally, or kids, specifically, as I am...

...we're just not talking, right now, for a variety of reasons...many of which have to do with me and who I've been in the past...or who we've been, together, in the case of Brandi...but all of which are very much in the past...but I've just no entre to initiate those relationships again...and they have certainly made no effort...

...Brandi...Tom...Jeannie...Wayne...

Can I say out into the world just how much it sucks that there isn't even one person, that I can think of, right now...that I can share this news...this terrific news about this really great turn-around on this kid (one that I'm sure will have its ebbs and flows...progress and setbacks...in the coming months and years)...which is/was totally unanticipated...and a really great development in the life of a kid needing a lot of love and support, right now, as he grows up in the midst of a very difficult situation...

I shared it with his grandmother...who appreciated it, of course...

But not one other person I know -- not even my parents -- would be very enthusiastic about this kind of thing?...

What does that say about people...

That I would expect that they would treat kind of blase great news about a kid who's been in a lot of trouble...

Cynical, definitely...

Unbelieving...

Self-fulfilling in their prophecies...

Responsible for many of the problems that they bitch about...and do very little substantial and thoughtful with a view of the longest run to do much about...meaning...responsible...without taking much responsibility at all...

Foolish...

And not very much help...that's for damned sure...and sometimes real pains in the asses and obstacles to getting things done better...

Unimaginative...lacking creativity and commitment to really dealing with problems...but having plenty of cynicism to share with any unresolved problem (of which there are many)...

Lost...as Stitch would say from my favorite Disney movie of all time...Lilo and Stitch..."I...am...lost"...

Most people are just kind of lost...

And need some more grace in their lives...

Some hope...

And some passion...

And some belief...

And some love...just like my kid in my class...

And to believe again...

That things can get better...

With a little commitment...a little hope...a little thought...

And a lot of love...

Wishing you all the commitment, hope, thought, and love that your heart can absorb:):):)...and share with the world:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I think I have a little crush...

Today...

We had an I.E.P. meeting...with this counselor that I kind of have a crush on...

Why do I have a crush on this girl, you say?...

Well...ok...she's really cute...

But that's not the reason...there's plenty of cute girls interested in me, at this point...so it takes way more than cute to get my attention, any more...

What impresses me...

Is how much she cares...about the kids...it really endears me...she's forgiving with expectations...my kind of girl...and it really impresses me...

We got to hang out for the day on Tuesday at an I.E.P. inservice...we have a kid that we're both looking out for...and she's just totally endearing me how she believes in this kid even when others don't believe in him to the same degree...

And she and I think very similarly about a lot of our kids...which is that a lot of them just know a different world...that Andrea and I are just more familiar with than other teachers...a younger world...but, more...a more street-based outlook...a world that's not as all polite-society as the world of schools is more familiar with...

So...Andrea is like me...she's sweet...and gritty...all at once...and she really cares about these kids...without feeling like they're from different worlds...while, herself, integrating within her all of the different worlds to which she belongs...a feeling that I very much identify with...

She's not quite as ambitious as me, I don't think...but she's smart...and sweet...and the person in my building that I am most interested in, at this point, other than my hot little principal...

Today...Andrea starts talking all kinds of black while we're bragging on this kid that we were reviewing for his I.E.P. (his Individualized Education Plan)...I forgot to mention that Andrea is black...and a very attractive black woman, at that...

And I know she's thinks I'm cute...she's got that look in her eye whenever she sees me, now...I'm sure I do, too:):)...

Anyway...she's talking all kinds of black and it is awesome...because she's surrounded by three educated, middle class white folks...and she's just letting her hair down...and I'm totally falling in love with her while she's doing it:):):)...

Very much like me...Andrea is very polite and very articulate...and it takes a little time for her to let her hair down and just be herself, completely...until she trusts you:):):)...

But today was her day:):):)...

I wanted to fuckin' reach across the table and fuckin' kiss her mid-sentence the entire fuckin' time:):):)...

Whew...this girl's got me sprung, a little bit:):):)...

Because every time I look at her...I think...goddamn, she cares about these kids...

And that's what I'm looking for...

That kind of heart...

And lips like hers, too...

Goddamn...umm...

It may just turn out to be another fleeting crush...all the others have:):):)...

But she's a pretty special girl:):):):)...I hope she finds someone to make her happy:):):)...

I better go and get some lesson plans prepared:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A better day...

Today was a far better day...

I kind of processed what I felt like was something of a set-back in terms of prioritizing what matters in schools that happened in my school, recently...

And I was feeling better...first of all...

But more than that...

One of my kids...that just got out of a long term discipline situation...who was really difficult, behaviorally, in that discipline situation...has just come back to class this week...

And today...he was on fire...

He's not only the best behaved student in class...

He's figuring out the fraction work we're doing better than anyone in class...including the students who are the traditional leads in class...

I make a point of it in class...how's he's the new star of the class...

Because you got to understand...

This is a kid who -- because of behavior -- has likely never been the star kid in any class...

And today...he was on fire...

It was one of the most inspiring moments I've had as a teacher...

Like I said...you'd just have to know how this kid behaved before he joined our class...from persistently defiant...to the best behaved kid in class...

My philosophy in dealing with students...

You are responsible for your behavior...and I am responsible for mine...

And I am just here to remind you to be responsible for your behavior...

And this kid...has stepped up to that expectation...rather than me stepping down to his lower expectations of himself...

And it's inspiring to watch it happen:):):)...

Also...today my team was out for an inservice training in the process for deciding if a student needs an individualized education program...

So I'm collaborating with substitute teachers, all day, to be the only behavioral check that kids have, in the room, who has seen them consistently, for awhile, now...so no getting over on the substitute...

And the stark contrast between my class...who have behaved very well for substitutes...which is the consistent feedback I've gotten at this point...and kids in other classes...tells me that my class running itself very smoothly...

And that's how a class should work...

Students...children...should, as much as possible, be responsible for their own behavior...and teachers...or parents...or other adults...should just be grown-ups in the vicinity to remind them to be responsible for themselves...as well as to lead the class or the activities, of course...

And my experience, today, confirmed for me that we have been very successful in my class -- Ms. Simmons, my paraprofessional, and I -- in facilitating and teaching and preparing kids to be responsible for themselves...even if I'm not in the room...

Very inspiring stuff...

And the best part of all...

My class is the special education class, remember...

My class is the class where well over 50% of my students are there because of serious enough behavior problems that it got them taken out of general education classes...

I'm very proud...of my efforts...of the kids' efforts...of Ms. Simmon's efforts...of all of our efforts...and all in such a short amount of time (I've only been here since November, remember)...

The conflict I had two days ago is since resolved...far less ideally than I would want...but better than where we started...

And I've made my peace with the compromise...

And in the meantime...I have no doubts about my teaching abilities, at this point...I know I'm young...I know it's only two months into my career...

But I have far beyond proven my abilities at this point...

Did I mention that I fuckin' love my principal, who is as much responsible for my success as anyone else in the building...whose support I could not have been this successful without...who's love and support and keen, smart, street-wise and world-wise mind I could not have done this well without...

Freda Ogburn is, by far, the most impressive principal that I have ever worked with in my entire life...she's a Ph.D...she takes learning seriously...she cares so deeply about these kids so many years after she started teaching...without a hint of cynicism at all, really (it's really pretty remarkable)...she's sweet and sensitive and vulnerable...in public, no less...all of this...and if she was single, I would have asked her out long before writing this...she's really incredible...and it's an honor to work with her, really...on top of all that, she's really attractive...she's probably in her late 40's, early 50's...and she is gorgeous...like a serious hottie...some people just have it all...doesn't it make you sick?:):):):):)LOL:):):):):)...she's incredible...

Freda Ogburn is the first principal in my life (and I've had some good ones...Keith Wilson at Jardine-Edison Junior Academy in Wichita, Kansas comes to mind...as does Michelle Whooten at BRIDGES, a last-stop alternative school in Kansas City, Kansas)...Freda is the first principal...to plant the seed in my own mind...of perhaps wanting to be a principal, one day...I've never, ever, in my entire life, had that impulse before...and Freda is the first person to inspire me in that direction...a direction I just may end up taking before I become a researcher and professor...or maybe while...who knows what might be possible (given real time and responsibility restraints, of course)...

That really says something to me about a principal...because I've never had one, ever, as a student or as a teacher...who I so admired...

And who has taught me so much:):)...

God I fuckin' love this work:):):)...

Now I just need someone to share this life with:):):)...

Whoever she is...

I hope to never again make a woman sorry for committing her life with mine...ever again...

I hope to earn the love and trust of someone like Freda...but single:):):)...she is my new gold standard for a woman that I admire:):):)...

I wonder if she realizes just how much I respect her...

I've got to plan some classes:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben