A clusterfuck of freedom bound

It has occurred to me, today, that the world is kind of fucked up place of our own making.

We take our own opinions way too seriously, is the truth. Especially our opinions about what other people should do for us. And we have made a mess of the world, in the process.

We have created a world where we are always on the brink of happiness and greater genuine virtue, rather than all the fake stuff that struts around with its ass in the air all the time. But we'll never have it, completely, as long as we insist on trying to determine the lives of one another rather than fulfilling our liberal democratic promise, and guaranteeing the right of every person to self-determine their own lives.

We are constantly preaching responsibility. But we have a world where everyone is perpetually avoiding it on the hardest issues, largely because we are just such dicks to one another. More repressive and punitive cultures have the worst problem with this, of course, because it is the repression and the punitiveness that creates the defensiveness that makes it so.

I work in a field, "adaptive special education", much of which is made up of people trying to explain away this desire for freedom, with all its virtues and vices, rather than coming to terms with it.

Everyone wants their own freedom. In fact, it's absence and getting more of it is the obsession of most people in their youth and many people well into adulthood. Most people want to limit the freedom of others. And this creates something of a clusterfuck, where we are persistently taking freedom, whether anyone gives it to us or not, because we could not possibly function without it, but not wanting to take responsibility. All of us. From the top down. In fact, the higher the stakes, the less anyone wants to take responsibility. This fact of life creates most of the cynical realities that we face in 21st century democracies, especially as it concerns our children who are perpetually looking at the adults in their lives as hypocrits and fools. And it will continue to do so until we take responsibility for creating this fact of life and the need to end it in all of the multitudinous places where it interferes with our lives and our potential to be genuinely decent human beings.

The one hope we have is that no matter how cynical and bad the reality gets, hope springs eternal. People want something different. They just don't know exactly what it is, much of the time. And they just aren't willing to do what it takes to change the things that make them unhappy and make us more likely to take freedom and not take responsibility.

You can tell who's given up. You can see it in their eyes. Or hear it in what they say.

The fundamental choice in the world really does seem to be between those who choose a life of freedom and responsibility and those who choose cynicism, in my experience. Meaning, the most likely candidates for cynicism are those who have not really chosen the lives they have or want.

If there is any solace in the more unfortunate experiences in my own life, this is it. That out of all of it, I have a life where I can choose whatever direction I may take with it and make my peace with it, even if it is perpetually less than ideal, especially to the extent that others want to control me. There will never be a time when I will either be happy or be gratified or appreciative that others want to control me. But I can make my peace with avoiding it as much as possible and living a life that is my own despite it, as much as possible.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, at this point, is the truth. I will teach. I will complete my scholarship obligation to teach special education for 4 years in Kansas. I will likely study and write.

But that door is completely wide open for me, at this point. Because there isn't really anywhere that I can go and say, "These are people who are really looking out for me," or "These are the people who are really looking to do good and are not so concerned with their own self-centered outlooks". It's not that these things aren't possible. It's just that more often than not, people are kind of self-centered and not concerned nearly enough with others except as it affirms their own outlooks on the world. Both of those reasons - because teachers seemed to look out for me more than most folks and because teachers seemed less concerned with their own selfish outlooks - are why I took up teaching and where I would otherwise go. I know that's not true, anymore, except insofar as the people I'm dealing with can respect my freedom to choose my life and make decisions, with consultation and respect for others and the consequences in their lives, of course, and know that their opinions about whatever matter are less important than my conscience and judgment.

I don't know what I want to do with my life, at this point. I know that I want the happiest life possible. And I am quite clear that such happiness comes with more freedom in my life and from no other source. And I'm also quite clear that the absence of it is the greatest source of unhappiness for most people in liberal democracies and likely in the illiberal world, as well.

There is only one way out for this, for the whole of society. The question is only whether we will start moving in that direction or not or whether we will rationalize every last repressive instinct that we can muster, no matter how dysfunctional it is for our humanity and tragic it is for so many people who are subject to the most illiberal and often brutal treatment in the world.

In the meantime, I will take the limited freedom I have to take up whatever life will afford me the most purpose and happiness and decency that I can find.

Let's hope that my children and grandchildren don't have to face such limited choices with their futures.

Love,
Ben