Living a normal life...the impossible dream...

"May not the cure be more cruel than the disease"...great line...from Man of La Mancha:):):)...

Work was pretty chill last night:):)...Deway was kind of surly:):)...but, overall, it was a pretty easy-going night:):)...Fred, our regular lead load, has been off...and Sean has been leading:):)...and Sean is becoming a pretty decent lead:):)...

There's this guy...Jim...on the docks:):)...who I've grown to like a lot:):)...

When all the other guys on the docks were giving me endless shit about being a vegitarian:):)...Jim would eat my vegi taquitos with me:):)...

And you just have to know Jim:):)...Jim is definitely no crunchy, granola liberal:):):)LOL:):):)...

Jim is this built 50-60 year old guy...with these awesome, beautiful tattoos on his arms...I've never quite seen tattoos, in person, that looked quite like artwork like Jim's:):):)...it's really pretty amazing:):):)...you just have to see them:):):)...

And they're on these huge Popeye-like forearms:):):)...

And he's got this really short, white hair:):):)...

Jim's married...and has kids:):):)...and despite all of the tattoos and the pretty openly crude way that he talks about the women in the warehouse:):):) (Jim has about the filthiest mouth of anyone on the docks, I think:):):)...other than me, that is:):):)...

He's actually this really good, decent, nice guy:):):)...and I really like him a lot:):):)...

He reminds me of home...

See...I'm not from an educated family, really...at all...

Despite all the bullshit I've been through with all this book-learnin' post-graduate school...

I'm really just a working class kid from a family of small business owners and blue collar construction workers:):):)...

And Jim is like a lot of folks I miss back home:):):):)...he's not snotty or educated...Jim doesn't put on airs...

My family often complains about architects...about them not listening to the experience and understanding of folks like my family members, from working on the job for as many years as they have...I admit...it's been a pain in the ass, much of the time, trying to have an intelligent coversation with my co-workers who don't value intelligence nearly as much as I do...but they still out-think me on this job much of the time...often, because they've done it longer...and know better what they're doing:):):)...and other times, just because I'm wrong, and they're right:):):)...

In fact...folks at work are constantly surprised -- more facetiously than really, I think -- when I make mistakes:):):)...which is all the time, of course:):):) -- as if an education means that I don't make mistakes:):):)...which is kind of a silly view of education, I think:):):)...

As I always tell my friends...education...intelligence...whatever...it's just meant to improve your odds:):):)...to shorten the distance between mistakes and better moves:):):)...better choices:):):)...

It doesn't -- at all -- prevent bad choices...to the contrary...it is through experience, as much as thought, that we learn to make better choices, I think:):):)...

Education and intelligence just teach us to reflect on experiences in better and better ways...to recognize and prevent mistakes, more, in the future:):):)...

Not to live in some dream world where mistakes don't get made:):):):):)...

Anyway:):):)...

Jim reminds me of home:):) (somewhere that I've got to get back...to see my Grandma, first and foremost...though I had two people tell me to wait:):)...that my grandma needed rest:):)...so I'm waiting:):):)...

Jim reminds me of back home...

Good people...like family...caring...a little crude:):):)...and good...decent...

People I love...even when I'm going through a period in my life when I've felt simultaneously more connected with people...and more different than folks...than I've ever felt in my life...

And that's why schools and universities and polite society has never felt quite totally comfortable or familiar for me:):):)...

Because though I very much value education...more than most by far, I'm sure:):):)...

Fundamentally...I'm just some kid with working class roots from Wichita, Kansas...from a family of construction workers...and a father who branched out into real estate development and consulting:):):)...

A family of pretty down to earth independent business owners...

Liberal in some ways...conservative in other ways...and family, through and through:):):)...

You know?:):):)...

And Jim is just like home for me:):):)...

And it makes me feel at home:):):)...

In a town where I've known largely professors...and students...and friends who came to Lawrence because of its more liberal, open community...same reason I did:):):)...

Jim feels like roots:):):)...even though I won't be at this job for long, I know:):):)...

Someone you don't have to impress, really...

He just likes you because...

Because he's a decent guy:):)...and generally...he'll like everyone:):):)...

And that's the kind of people I'm from back in Wichita:):):)...

And I miss it:):):)...

I miss being around people who really do love me no matter what...through plenty of thick as well as thin...

And who I don't have to be trying to impress all the time:):):)...

Which makes it much easier, I have to tell you, to do things that actually do end up impressing them:):):)...because there's no pressure to whatsoever:):):)...

I miss that...

I miss being a kid and just being loved for myself...just as I am...not because I impressed someone...or because I behaved perfectly...or because of anything, really...

Just because...

Because I'm family...

That's how I feel about people...

That they're like family...

And I like them all...just because...

And in my family...no one ever gets to boot...ever...my Uncle Tommy's ex-wife, Jonna, still comes and visits my grandmother:):):)...everyone, all my friends...even and sometimes especially friends who kind of shock or titilate the less broad-minded tendencies of my blue collar family...are welcome to come home with me:):):)...and...as far as I'm concerned, at least:):):)...everyone is welcome and a member of my family...as long as they can learn to treat me and the people I love decent, that is...and cut them as much slack as they need to live their lives:):):)...and accept them as they are, as much as they might want to be accepted:):):)...

I love my family...you can tell...

And I just have felt caught between these very different worlds, lately...

A world of incredible educational opportunities...the most high-minded folks in the world are the ones I've sought out to study in my time as a student:)...

And a world of ordinariness...a world where I don't have to impress people, all the time...where I'm loved just for me...no matter what I do or don't have to contribute to the world:):)...

I just don't feel completely comfortable in a world where I have to impress people all the time, really....

I don't mind being ordinary...

I kind of like having a life where my every move isn't scrutinized...

Where I can just be a simple, decent person...

And have that be enough...

They just got to the point in the movie where they introduce Don Quixote singing, "To Dream the Impossible Dream"...that songs makes me cry every time I hear it now (it's a private thing that a good friend of mine understands, but noone else, really)...

When I was a kid...I always wanted to escape my roots...

To find a place where noone would hurt me any more...

Where people would treat me decent...no matter what...

Genuine unconditional love...

And now, today...I long for it...

Knowing...that in reality...there really is no place of real unconditional love in the world...anywhere...except that which we create...

I feel that for people...I try to give it to them...even when they don't reciprocate...

Even when they denigrate it...and treat it as weakness...and people always have...and as they do today...even those who practice it more in reality...ironically...

And I've decided...at least...

That I'm living that life...

No matter what the fuck anyone else does:):):)...

That world will continue and start with me...

No matter how goddamn foolish the rest of world is:):):)...

We need people to do their best...that's for sure:):):)...

But we also need to accept people for their real limitations, as well...and not use them up until we have no use for them, anymore...and then throw them aside...when we have no use for them anymore...

We need a world where everyone is welcome home for the holidays:)...really...

Even Deway:):):)...when he's being all grumpy and surly, as he was last night:):):)...

All of us:):):)...

I don't give a shit how impossible a dream it seems to some people some times...

It's a reality...in my life...and I'll work every day for the rest of my life...to make it a reality for others...

"A man has to come to terms with life as it is," a fellow prisoner taunts Cervantez...

"Life as it is" Cervantez responds..."I have lived for over forty years and I have seen...life as it is...pain...misery...cruelty beyond belief...I've heard all the voices of God's noblest creature...I've heard moans from bundles in the filth in the streets...I've been a soldier...and a slave...

I've seen my comrades fall in battle...or die more slowly under the lash in Africa...I've held them at the last moment...

These were men who saw life as it is...but they died despairing...no glory...no brave last words...only their eyes...filled with confusion...questioning why...

I do not think they were asking why they were dying...but why they had ever lived...

When life itself seems lunatic...who know where madness lies...perhaps to be too practical is madness...to surrender dreams, this may be madness...to seek treasure, when there is only trash...too much sanity may be madness...

And maddest of all...to see life as it is and not as it should be"...

I think Deway was being surly last night because he was upset with me...the other night...Fred and Deway were arguing with me over something dumb...where a load bar was supposed to go...it didn't matter, in this particular case (sometimes it does)...they were mocking me (as they so often do:):):)...and I called them dumbasses in the process of arguing, rightly, that the argument was a dumb one...that likely wouldn't mean of hill of beans...and if it did end up meaning something...we could easily move the bar...and...in the meantime...I'd put my time in...and I was tired of being condescended as if I didn't know what I was doing, anymore...

So I think Deway was hurt, last night, over the whole thing...

Because the truth is...underneath all that tough exterior...

Deway cares whether I think he's a dumbass or not...

And he's afraid that I really think he's a dumbass...

Which I don't...

I think he's got plenty of smarts...street smarts...some people smarts...football, baseball, and basketball smarts...garage door loading smarts...

And he -- and everyone -- could definitely benefit from some book smarts...from school smarts...

So I'm going to pick him up a copy of To Kill A Mockingbird...

It's just occurred to me that Deway has probably never read it...

My favorite novel...that I read when I was in tenth grade...

And one of the most highly accessible and profound American novels ever written...

I want Deway to know that I think everyone can be smart...

That we're all dumbasses in one way or another...

And that we should all strive...always...to be smarter...in all the ways that count in the world...

"To dream...the impossible dream...to fight...the unbeatable foe...to bear with unbearable sorrow...to run where the brave dare not go...

To right the unrightable wrong...to love, pure and chaste from afar...to try when your arms are too weary...to reach the unreachable star...

This is my quest...to follow that star...no matter how hopeless...no matter how far...to fight for the right...without question or pause...to be willing march into hell for a heavenly cause...

And I know that if I will only be true...to this glorious quest...that my heart will lie peaceful and calm...when I'm laid to my rest...

And the world...will be better for this...

That one man...scorned and covered with scars...

Still strove...with his last ounce of courage...

To reach the unreachable star..."

"Once...just once...would you look at me just as I really am," replies Aldonza...

"I see beauty...purity...Dulcinea"

You just have to see it to understand...

Have a great day, everyone...

Love,
Ben