The fire...

It's a Friday night...I just got done with an IEP...

And I've nothing better to do...than clean my office (which desperately needs it)...and blog...

I probably should just get my ass out of here...

It's funny...

Carson and I were just talking about not wanting to return to the grueling schedule of debate and forensics competition from our high school and college years...

But tonight, I'm really missing them...

I'm missing them because I miss the thrill of testing my wits with really smart folks...I miss the passion that people felt for excellence in something that really mattered (thinking and empathizing -- in the case of dramatic events -- that is)...

And I'm missing being with people who really took these things seriously...

I've been frustrated, lately, because I really love these kids...and what I do...and I love engaging people about how the world could be better, given our willingness to invest the time, energy, and thought into doing so...into letting go of stupid ways of thinking about the world...and working to develop better ways of thinking about all kinds of things...

But I miss working on these things with people who share my passion...

I have many colleagues who share some of that passion...and I love working with them, especially on those days when they're really feeling it...

But a lot of folks seem to settle in their expectations for kids...or expectations for their own lives...

That are far lower than what they actually have to offer...

And it just seems like such a sad choice to me...

I'm getting worried that I'll never meet a girl with that kind of passion, again, because only one has ever ran with me in that way...and I don't even get a hi from her, anymore...

I miss the challenge...I miss someone challenging me even if they think I'm too strong for them...I miss the give and take...and I miss almost as much the push and pull...I even miss the fighting in Brandi's and my relationship, just because at least it was something real between two people who felt something real about things that really mattered...our relationship in particular...at least I think Brandi cared about our relationship and/or our friendship...I can't tell anymore...the clear indication, at this point -- only obscured by the fact that she regularly visits the site -- is that she doesn't...

Adults become so incomparably boring, from a kids' perspective, I think, because they become such pussies...they get so afraid of being themselves with one another for fear of offending one another, all of the time...and so it's refreshing, even when I disagree with someone, when they feel free to be themselves...to say things that offend me...and to just speak up...

We obviously have to learn how to have strong opinions and reconcile that with a realistic means of engaging people to accomplish our common ends...

But goddamn if I don't want to have some tough conversations with people who don't get all squeamish about ideas or attitudes that they don't like...

I really enjoyed that in talking with Carson, the other night...because I can trust Carson on this one...that I can talk freely...and I like it best when he talks freely...and still have some level of expectation of open-mindedness and engagement and not just getting all hung up on self-righteous posturing...

Brandi was pretty amazing about this, too...she could get self-righteous, some, as could I...but she was fairly humble when she was challenged, too...and she always had something interesting and thoughtful to say...

Maybe it's that people get afraid of the passion...or that they get too self-satisfied...or that they just don't care...

I don't know...

I just know that I miss the fire amongst my friends when I competed in debate and forensics...and from discussions and just friendships in college...

I miss the passion of my relationship with Brandi...

So many older people seem to give that passion up...

And maybe what I've been seeing lately amongst teachers is them finding that fire again...whether I or anyone else agrees or not from where that fire springs:):):)...

I want that kind of fire in my life...and I want it more often...and, ideally...and as soon as possible...I want it in the form of a relationship with someone who knocks my socks off...and who reminds me of what mad, passionate love is like, again...

I want to be around people...and a soulmate, in particular...who make my blood boil for all of the right reasons:):):)...

The one great thing about porn, I suppose, is that at least people are feeling some real...even if it's not love...and even if often it's not so real:):):) (my only one real concern with porn is that I want my sexual partners to enjoy themselves and not have to do things that they don't want to for ulterior reasons other than enjoying the love/passion/fun/whatever of a sexual encounter)...

Yeah...I'm getting the fuck out of here...

But where I'm gonna find that kind of passion or fire or connection or whatever, I have no fuckin' clue...

I think I need to get laid (but something tells me that's not gonna do the trick...although it may not hurt to try:):):)...

But what I really want is to share some passionate discussion with someone who really gives a shit about the world:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben