Now I understand...

I now understand just how my dad and my teachers must have felt all those years of my growing up...

Being totally taken for granted...while I whined and moaned...and generally felt entitled to whatever ideal treatment that my heart desired in the moment...with very little recognition of how hard it was for them to try to be good enough...when I was always being such a shit...though...to be fair...my dad, at least, had a steep learning curve on learning not to be such a shit, himself...and dealing with the world, as is, even with all its glaring flaws...

In particular...I realize, now, just how hard it must have been for my professors...dealing with the same...and me, as well...dealing with the behavior of my advisor, at least...but all of us, doing our best...and me taking it all for granted...not realizing just how much better some peoples' best is than other peoples...

My best is pretty goddamn good, if I can say so myself...

But goddamn if some people will never be happy until they have determined your every move before you've even made it...so easy is it to play spectator with others' lives...when you feel no real responsibility for what it must be like to be them...

That's most people, I'm learning...

My apologies to Michael Brown for the poor behavior of my fellow Americans...

And my appreciation to the American people for doing their best...even when their best is so goddamned shitty, sometimes...to folks like Michael Brown...and everyone else that they feel like they can demand results from...that they would never be able to deliver themselves...not that they give much of a shit about that or anyone else other than themselves, much of the time...

And my general one finger salute to everyone for whom my best is not enough...

Love,
Ben

P.S. Brandi...the post I was referring to in my email is Reflections on Rich and Poor...two posts down:):)...

Is it possible?...

...that my friend may be poised to take responsibility on this one?...

He seems to...

The trick will be...thinking through this one...

He ignored his first opportunity to do that...

We'll see if he does it again...

Love,
Ben

Reflections on rich and poor...

We worked the house of the rich couple, again, today:)...

And I have to say that I'm having different feelings about rich and poor, today, than I had, say, three years ago or so:):)...

I do think it's important to note that rich does not necessarily mean responsible...or good...

But I'm learning quickly enough...that poor...or middle class...don't either...

And today was an excellent demonstration of that:):)...

My boss, yesterday, says that we're going to work for this "rich bitch" whose lawn we've mowed before:):)...

We go to her house...and she's really nice to us, actually:):)...she has a really nice lawn...and nice garden:):)...and she wants to make it nice for the coming year:):)...she offers us water:):)...and is very encouraging:):)...and cuts much slack:):)...

And today...I'm noticing the contrast between this woman's behavior...and the behavior of the poorer/lower middle class boss and co-worker I'm working with, today:):)...

My boss is a pretty decent guy:):)...though he can be a real dick, too...and has been for part of the day for almost every day I've worked with him, except that first day:):)...he's not terribly bright, my boss...and seems to make almost no effort whatsoever to change that:):)...

My co-worker is almost a stereotype of poverty...he's uneducated in a serious way -- meaning, I don't think he even has a lot of high school skills...he's obnoxious...and self-centered...he's insensitive...and often rude:):)...he makes jokes that only he finds funny:):)...and though I consider him a friend -- because I consider everyone a friend, really, no matter how obnoxious -- he's, generally, terribly annoying, much of the time:):)...and definitely not trustworthy except to try to show up every day, to give his best, and then to go home and figure out how to get drunk or high...and that, it appears, is the entirety of his life...

This rich woman we're working for, on the other hand, is nice...smart...decent...sensitive -- she's catching everyone's names as best as possible...something I do that I notice most of the folks that I work with at most joe jobs don't seem to notice or appreciate very much:):)...she's not naggy...and she's really encouraging and cuts much slack:):)...

And I'm thinking about all of my friends...rich...poor...middle class...

And noticing a similar trend...the more money they seem to have or to have had contact with...the more long-term they seem to think...at least intelligent rich folks...which may be the real common denominator, here (something tells me that Eminen is not the nicest dude to work for:):)...

Middle class folks...are more responsible than a lot of the poorest folks...but meaner, generally, than their richer and more intelligent brethren...

And poor folks are often -- not always...I grew up poor and I don't think behaved this way...even as a kid -- are just obnoxious...self-centered...living only in the moment...no long-term future or plans...the basest interests in life:):)...and very little thought at all going into their lives:):)...

And I'm thinking this entire time...

I wonder if I was unfair with Greg...Brandi's husband...and his family...if I got a bad first impression and just ran with it, unfairly...I would totally understand if Brandi was angry with me because I got cynical not knowing Greg and not having any contact with him...now that I've been through that...having friends being cynical with me after not seeing them for awhile...I know now that it doesn't matter...it's not fair...and it doesn't matter how much they wanted or didn't want to see me...or how much I wanted or didn't want to see Brandi...it's not fair...

Rich folks are often pretty decent folks, I'm learning...my parents are rich...and after meeting a broader swath of people in the world, these days...I totally appreciate just how decent and wonderful they are...even with their flaws...

I hope Greg and the Raymond family are good people...for Brandi's sake:):)...and if they are...I feel like a real dick...and maybe I deserve to not have some contact with Brandi if that turns out to be the case...though I do hope she'll find it in her heart to make some contact with me, at some point...just so that I know that she's doing ok:):)...

I just wrote Brandi to apologize...if that's the case...which it very well may be...

Because I've learned for sure...in the three years I've been out of school...and worked mostly working class jobs with folks with not very much education...

Is that my professors...and educated folks, generally...were/are much more decent than I ever gave them credit for at the time...no matter my frustrations with them...the contrast with working class folks -- who tend to be kind dumb, kind of mean, and much more bossy, as a rule -- is just so stark in my head, any more...that I just can't deny just how much better my more educated professors were to work with...than any of the jobs I've had since then:):)...

The world is a lot more complicated than I ever gave it credit for...even as someone who gave much more credit to the idea that it was more complicated than most people understood than most people do:):):)...

I hope everyone's doing well:):)...

Love,
Ben