I wasn't going to share this...but I'll share it, anyway...

I've noticed since I've worked at Amarr...I'm not sharing as much, as honestly...a defense, I think...in an environment not always hospitable to be totally authentic in...

But tonight...I was reminded what it was like to be around people who accepted me more completely...just as me...

I ushered, tonight, for the EMU Theater/Running Joke production of the rock musical, Johnny Butts...my very good friend, Andy Stowers, wrote Johnny...with his friend and drummer for the show, Nick Wells...

It was really good...I told Andy and everyone that I think that this show could be picked up by other theater groups...and major playwriting publishers, if he would be interesting in submitting it...

But the nicest thing, tonight...honestly...

Was hanging out with a bunch of friends that I didn't have to defend myself to...

It was so nice, I can't tell you...

After too many nights defending myself and who I am to my friends at Amarr...

It was nice to be with people who really appreciate/d me just for who I am...and the things that so many folks at Amarr just don't understand...are the same things that I and my friends at EMU really love about me...and that I really love about me...when I'm around folks who remind me that they aren't anything to defend...and are great without the approval or acceptance of folks who likely don't really approve or accept anyone...for too many of the guys I work with...probably not even themselves, too often...sadly...

And I realized...while I was sitting in the audience just enjoying this really great musical that my friend had just written and produced...

That I really need to get a teaching job...

And get out of this rut at Amarr...

I haven't really thought of it as a rut...

I've thought of it as working with friends that I really cared about...

But it's becoming all too clear to me that with too many of the guys...this feeling is not reciprocated...

And that I need to stop being such a fool...

And to move onto a healthier work environment...

Where I can be appreciated, more, for what I have to contribution...

And not always torn down...

For no reason, in particular, really...

But just because too many of the guys at Amarr don't know how to do much better...than to tear me down...and I'm sure themselves...

So sad...

And I need to stop being a part of this pitiful spectacle...

And move onto somewhere where my contributions will be appreciated and respected...

Because that is definitely not happening most nights, now, at Amarr...

No matter how much I'm a glutton for punishment...and appreciate many folks who do not appreciate me, comparably, at all...

Tonight I realized what a sad, unhealthy situation that I was in...and had lost track of just how bad it had gotten...until I spent like about 10 minutes with my friend, Joel...explaining the situation...and getting his reality check...that this was really kind of fucked up situation to work in...

How many people work in environments where they get bossed around by most everyone they work with?...

When was the last time that you got threatened to fight at work...nevertheless 5 or 6 times, since you've worked there?...

And what environment do people work in where such bullying is not only common...but almost encouraged, really, so much is changing it resisted...by virtually everyone...with notable exceptions...

...particularly my friend, Kenny, who has actually been a really great guy to work for/with:)...and who'll be a really great lead on second shift:):)...

Tomorrow I do more work on teacher applications...

Because I got to get out of this situation...

And into a situation more like EMU...

Where I can be me...

And not have to defend it all the time...

Because so many folks feel so bad about being them...

One more thing...

The title of this post actually referred to something else that I wasn't going to share but I'll share, anyway...

At risk of sounding like a total puss of an ex-boyfriend...

Is it possible that you can love someone completely...think it's reciprocated...and find out...only after you don't even have an active friendship with that person anymore...

That they didn't ever have those same feelings for you...

That it was far more unilateral a complete and unconditional love than what was felt for me?...

Is that really possible?...

Because my life sure feels like the Twilight Zone, right now...

Maybe it is...though I haven't wanted to believe that...even four years -- almost to the day, actually...Brandi and I broke up around August 5th...a little more than a month before 9/11 -- after we've broken up...

But having someone not even talk with you will make you see things that you either didn't see...or didn't want to see...or at least consider them...

Is it possible that my life has turned to February?...how totally and senselessly tragic...

I better get some sleep...I have applications to fill out:)...

Have a great night/day, everyone:):):):):)...

Love,
Ben