Monday, April 30, 2007

Learning my critics are right

I had a really huge moment of recognition, today.

My critics are right. My professors. My administrators. Brandi.

It is not just that I'm an organizational oaf, which I am.

It is that I have finally figured out the key to the problem that I have been spending nearly 15 years of my life, at least, struggling with. My problem with organizational detail and time and life management is that I have lacked the attention it has needed and the energy involved with constantly resolving issues involved with its priorities.

I had an interview today. Everything went great until I started talking about this problem, more openly. There were so many good reasons to be honest about it, but above them all was that so I could be honest with myself about this problem for me.

And so Devang and I walked and talked about this problem for me all night And all of a sudden it occurred to me that the larger problem, as he pointed out, was that I had not given the organizational detail in my life sufficient attention.

And what I realized shortly thereafter was that what Brandi Fisher and Jason Simon, a friend of mine, always had going for them in this department was that they had amazingly high levels of energy to give to their organizing and planning and creatively approaching the small details of life. And that took work. And I was just not giving enough attention to the organization and planning and details and I just wasn't giving life enough energy. And that is how so many higher achievers than me have given so much. And that is why my lazy, white trash roots matter. Because I'm lazy, white trash and I just don't give enough energy to life so I don't reap its rewards.

They have all been right. I have been a lazy, excuse-making loser. And that is why Brandi left me and that is why KU wouldn't keep me around and that is why Eisenhower fired me and that is why Olathe is not going to hire me.

Because I am a lazy, excuse-making loser.

And that shit has got to end.

Maybe all this thinking and political work and all of this has just been one big pretension and excuse for why I am such a a lazy, excuse-making loser.

I had two people in my life who I was very close to - Brandi, who was my best friend and later my girlfriend and who I spent almost every waking moment with for at least 4 years, and Jason Simon, our very close friend and the most organizing, detail-0riented, planning motherfucker that I've ever met in my entire life - both giving me the example I needed. But I couldn't heed it, even though it sat in front of my face almost every day of my life for more than 5 years because I was too much of a defensive dumbfuck to face up to my weakness on this one.

But as I sat in that interview, today, and the mood turned from eager and welcoming to wondering if they should have invited me, it started to occur to me that I have just been a defensive dumbfuck around this issue and that I lost everything because I could not face up.

I lost everything. Everything I cared about. And I still couldn't face up.

Because I didn't know what to do, is the truth.

I've got to get a shower and get to bed.

But, in the meantime, I'm beginning to wonder if maybe everything I've done has just been one big lie to myself and everyone else to explain away why I am such a fuckin' loser.

What else am I wrong about? What else can't I see?

How many more times do I have to lose a job or an opportunity or the love of my life before I face up to my weaknesses and make it my fuckin' business to get problems solved?

I feel like the biggest asshole in the world, right now. I lost Brandi because of this shit? I lost my opportunities with KU and with Eisenhower because of this shit? I have been thought the biggest fuckin' whiner and loser or the last fuckin' 15 years because of this shit?

But it's true. I have been a big fuckin' whiner and loser. How much of my bullshit is to cover for that fact, I wonder.

I don't know, right now. I need a shower.

Love,
Ben

Sunday, April 29, 2007

Honest critique from honest observers

I just have to say that I don't think that there is anything more satisfying to read than honest critique from honest observers. I've been reading my friend Carson's letters today as we email back and forth about the election and the Democratic debate and just sit and kind of appreciate a little serious honesty amidst this period of lying and bullshit and never knowing who to trust in politics.

Robert Kagan has a really powerful critique of the guy I've been favoring for President, up to this point, Barak Obama, in today's Washington Post, which is really impressive.

Obama the Interventionist

I'm still chewing on it and I don't know what I think of it, yet, except that I know that Robert Kagan is one of the more honest conservative writers that I regularly read and this piece makes me take a second look at Senator Obama.

Robert does happen to be consulting the Republican that I am favoring, at this point, John McCain. So there's all kinds of reason to be skeptical of his take, except that I can often rely on Robert Kagan, must more than, say, E.J. Dionne, these days, who has been moonlighting as a polemicist over at the Washington Post and who is not nearly the serious thinker that folks like Robert Kagan or Fareed Zakaria or other more serious writers over there at the Post. When I think about it, it's kind of interesting that the Post definitely carries a liberal bias, especially these days, but how many serious conservative writers it carries and how few serious liberal writers it carries. Though, that may also be because people like David Broder and E.J. Dionne are seriously soiling their names, these days, with all of the propaganda streaming from pens that are supposed to be writing something more honest.

I don't know what I think of Robert's piece, yet, and I'm honestly kind of tired and ready for bed, is the truth, with it being 1:33 in the morning, here and all.

What I do know is that if what Robert says is an accurate characterization of Obama's recent words, he is right that we have a lot to be concerned from coming from Barak, even if it is not wholly honest.

Perhaps the best thing that can come from this whole godforesaken period is that maybe some people will take the cue from all of the overwrought propaganda in the news, these days, to maybe make some more seriously honest observations that don't constantly make me bend over backwards, all the time, trying to figure out if they're being genuine with me or not.

I think Robert Kagan is one of those people. I know Carson is, because he's a close friend and I know him well enough that he comes with generally intellectually honest intent. Maybe some more of that kind of democratic engagement could create a democratic culture and discussion that we could trust, more, rather than letting the cyncism keep our politics a crazy fuckin' mess all of the time.

I'll read on Robert's piece more tomorrow. For right now, I need sleep.

Love,
Ben

Thursday, April 26, 2007

I have lost all trust in the bullies and the scandal-mongers

I only have a few minutes, here, but I do have to say that I have lost all trust in the bullies and the scandal-mongers, at this point.

I was reading David Broder's characterization of Harry Reid as "The Democrats' Gonzalez," with the implication that the next head that needs to roll is Harry Reid's. And I finally realized that I just could give two shits, anymore, about what consequences befall me from the various political bullies I encounter and whether or not they forgive me my mistakes. They are unrepentant shitheads. And I want nothing to do with them, anymore. I don't trust their leadership, I don't trust their thinking, I don't trust their instincts, and I sure as hell don't trust them to be honest, with me or with themselves, anymore.

I don't like Harry Reid. But I am far past fed up with people pretending like this ugly scandal-mongering period is something better than it is or that those initiating it or promoting it are better than they really are. They aren't. And I'm tired of pretending otherwise. I can't predict, anymore, how I will be treated. It is wholly arbitrary, at this point, since force and even the rules, at least in my field, are completely dependent on who decides to force what and noone gives two shits about what is possible or within our capabilities or not. And I just don't care, anymore.

I tried, in the last couple of weeks, to understand my principal and vice principal better. I tried. I thought I understood for awhile. And then I realized that its wholly a guessing game. There just is no sense in trying to understand people who don't make any effort to understand you. And I sure as hell can't respect anyone who behaves that way. So I've just kind of lost respect for and trust in my administrators and I've decided that I have no interest in trying to understand the motives of people who are hell-bent on taking me down or anyone else down that disagree with them. There is no integrity in that position. And I have no interest in pretending, anymore, that there is.

Force doesn't teach anyone anything, is the truth. It can protect us in extreme situations. Other than that, it is generally self-serving. And there is no reason that anyone should respect or look after the interests of someone who is only looking after their own.

All we can do in life is learn the lessons that are there to be learned. Force is generally a distraction from these, unless someone's immediate safety it in danger. Other than that, it is something to be put up with until you can get to the lesson.

And, as a rule, at this point, those who believe that force accomplishes more than that do not have my confidence anymore. I will listen to them. But I cannot continue to listen to people persistently rationalize what shitheads they are and pretend that they are somehow being better than they are.

I generally try to follow the rules to the best of my ability as a matter of conscience, at this point in my life. It is not always possible. That is why rules are an impractical way to rule as much as a bankrupt philosophy of goverance. And being strong-armed every which way from Tuesday has finally just sapped me of whatever confidence or trust that I used to have in those who regularly use it to get what they want.

That is the quite natural consequence from this foolish, foolish period and this foolish, foolish and bankrupt philosophy of governance.

If you think differently, you better have a really goddamned good argument. Because I've not heard one. And my assessment, at this point, is that it is, generally, one long rationalization for what complete shitheads people are.

Force away, I say. But I don't take your ideas seriously, anymore. You can compel behavior, temporarily. But, inside, I just think you're a foolish, self-centered, and mean-spirited shithead. And I don't give a shit whether people think that is fair or not. Life is not fair. Get used to it.

Or come up with a better argument. I think I've waited for a better argument for long enough. If the advocates of force don't have one, be prepared for a big fall here very, very soon.

And don't expect any pity from me.

Love,
Ben

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

A nice, quiet life

I've decided that I think I've had my fill of a more openly political life. I still want to write and to blog and maybe teach in a university.

But I'm tired of getting beat up, is the truth.

I just want to retire to some nice, quiet university job or some other kind of nice, quiet job and find a nice girl, get married, buy a house, raise a family, and just have a much more generally hassle-free life.

I'm tired of being a hero. I'm tired of the slings and arrows that come with the outrageous misfortune of not wanting to bully my way through life. I just want to write my work, have my say, and live a life of relative obscurity and quiet and normalcy. Fame and influence are not all they are cracked up to be, I am discovering. Neither is noble work, as it turns out, as it always has me caught in a hornet's nest of sanctimony that I just don't think I could take for the rest of my life.

Just give me a home where the buffalo roam and where I can hear myself think. And maybe where I can think independently and not have to cowtow to some politically correct or morally outraged notion of how the world should work, even if solutions people propose are worse than the cure.

I just want to be able to have a decent life and just not get nailed and pressured left and right and maybe get some decent sleep, in the meantime, instead of always being awake trying thinking about how someone fucked with me again, today, and how I can't sleep with it on my heart.

I just want to avoid more of that shit, if I can. It's never worked in the past. But hope springs eternal.

Love,
Ben

What I think of Congress

Dana Milbank has a pretty hilarious commentary on the open, shameless, and dishonest hypocrisy of Democrats and Republicans in Congress during this scandal-happy, subpoena-filled, and all around joyous and inspired time in Washington, right now.

'Subpoenafest': Democratic Tigers and Republican Guerillas

Hypocrits. Open, shamelsss, and dishonest hypocrisy.

This is what runs Washington, right now.

Not just in Congress. All over the place. The Washington press, the White House, the Supreme Court. Everywhere. Noone has a fuckin' consistent or intellectually or otherwise honest bone in their bodies, these days. It's all about the power, baby. And if you don't have any, then you better get you some or else risk being a sucker. Because if you don't get your hands on some, they will be fucking you next.

It's survival of the fittest, baby. And the ones leading the pack are the alpha Democrats who know that if they don't fuck enough Republicans, they will soon be fucked.

This is what progress looks like, ladies and gentlemen. All thanks are due to liberals and the Democratic party, without whom we would not have all this progress you see these days.

Thank you, Harry Reid. Thank you, Nancy Pelosi.

Thank you for all of the progress.

How would we ever handle life without you?

Love,
Ben

A more genuine liberal progress

I've had a lot of time to reflect, this semester, about the kinds of thinking and issues of conscience that I have wrestled with for the last 6 or 7 years, ever since I started doing this theoretical policy work and writing and becoming more genuinely independent of professors and my parents and bosses and of the dominant political culture and so many people in the world.

The more I have watched this sad, sad political period unfold, the more profoundly disappointed I have become with both the period and the people who have promoted it. This obsession with force and power, the attempt to substitute it for a more substantial philosophy of governance and life, the senseless hurt and destructiveness it has sown, the extremes that it moves in because it openly courts such extremes and has only pretense of a more genuine moderation or thoughtful approach to difficult matters of policy and conscience, and the liscence it has given the more brute and thoughtless among us to hold sway out of affiliation with sanctimony and without a sincere concern for policy or people.

The more time I've spent in the "real world," meaning after graduate school and my experience in universities, the more I have become convinced that the most serious shortage in the world outside of universities - and even in universities, often - is a genuine commitment and concern for substantial thought and discussion and debate and engagement more genuinely resolving matters of the heart and mind on their merits, rather than on instinct, or ideology, or sanctimony, or politics in its basest forms, or self-centeredness or just plain pettiness. All of these means of resolving important issues get far too much play in the "real world," especially in the world of politics and especially in power centers like Washington, D.C. Engaged, thoughtful discussions of depth and merit get ignored enough as it is in universities, nevertheless in the places where such discussions and the ideas that animate them have practical consequence. And yet so many, by far most, people fail to take such engaged, deep, thoughtful discussions and bigger ideas nearly seriously enough, largely out of the arrogance that these discussions do not concern them because they already know all they need to know.

That is my assessment of the "real world" and people who do not take such discussions seriously. That they are arrogant far more than they are humble, average joes and janes. They do not engage more serious, thoughtful discussions of important issues because they are convinced, far too often, that they've already got it all figured out. That they already know the right "balance." That they have no need to think more largely because they have no desire to think more and do not like to be bothered with the challenge, but will hide that under the guise and defense of arrogance that all that they need to know is already within their grasp.

It's the single most important quality of universities and the professors and students and people who occupy them that I miss: more genuine intellectual curiosity. It is nice to be among people in a setting where it is less fashionable to pretend that you need not know more than you already do and where it is more sensible to question and consider different ideas, points of view, alternative scenarios and arguments, reasonable disagreement, and more rigorously argued and considered thinking. The absence of that kind of intellectual curiosity and the willingness to think outside of one's own particular box is the single most important quality of most conversations I have, these days, that persistently drives me up a wall.

How in the world anyone could look at a period where the most serious issues are being resolved by force and not by reasonable argument and genuine room for disagreement boggles my mind, largely because I take liberal values more seriously than most folks, I suppose. Democracy, at its highest, is not about bullying your way through difficult issues. It is about engaging the ideas and arguments of those you disagree with as well as those you agree with and those whose ideas are curious and considering important issues from more informed and thoughtful perspectives.

Better thinkers know this. And I have spent an enormous amount of my time post-university with a lot of people who are not such better thinkers. I consider almost everyone a friend. But I've also grown more than impatient and underwhelmed by the bottoming out of standards of intellectual engagement and honesty that have characterized this period. How any liberal could look at this current period and think to themselves, "Now that is what progress looks like," is beyond me. How sad it would be, indeed, if so many enlightened thinkers and scientists and visionaries and even political leaders of the past were to look at the present period and think, "Now that is the fulfillment of everything we worked to create. That is the dawn that rises after the darkness."

How sad, indeed, if that were true.

It very clearly is not. And I am more than eager to reengage the scholarly and university world if only to have a more genuinely reasonable discussion, again, about issues that I care about.

Because this kind of "progress" is no substitute for the more honest liberal values that animate our most sustainable understanding of the world around us and the basis for our liberal democratic culture.

Love,
Ben

What fuckin' dicks people are

I have decided that if people can't face up, better, to how fuckin' stupid and lazy and intellectually lazy and what self-centered dicks the great bulk of them are, then I don't have any fuckin' use for them. I'm prepared to go cater to their basest, stupidest, meanest, most self-destructive desires, make shitloads of money off of them, and not give two shits about them.

Because most people are fuckin' dicks is the truth. And I'm tired of being nicer about that than they deserve.

And I've been treated like such shit in the last year or so and really in the last 6 years, that I really just don't give a shit, anymore, about this stupid fuckin' race if they don't give a shit enough about themselves and one another to think more seriously about what all their shitheadedness has wrought.

No matter how bad things get, most people look around and say, "We've done a really good fuckin' job." Fuckin' morons. It doesn't matter how badly people fuck up their lives or the lives of others, all they can ever fuckin' do is pat themselves on the fuckin' backs and say, "Look at me. I'm doin' so fuckin' good."

Because they're too fuckin' self-centered to face what they dumbfucks and shitheads they are.

Americans love to scapegoat George Bush for that stubborn, denying tendency, these days. Because they're all too fuckin' cowardly to face it in themselves.

You know why I want a woman in my life with more courage and honesty than that? So I don't have to live the rest of my life with someone like that and have them pretending with me that they really are better than they really are.

People fuckin' drive me crazy with how fuckin' self-serving all of their interpretations of the world and their lives are that inform who they are and what choices they make.

And I have no interest in letting such assholes take advantage of my generosity for the rest of my life. If they can't grow up and face up to what shitty consequences have come from their shitty, stupid, intellectually lazy behavior, then maybe they don't deserve anything better.

Maybe what people deserve is exactly what they have now.

Love,
Ben

Monday, April 23, 2007

Stronger

I've finally figured out what it is that I need in a mate.

I need someone stronger.

If there is one quality that I have been most disappointed in among adults in my all-too-short adulthood it is how weak so many people are. How little courage they have. How weak their consciences. How much more concerned they are with how people perceive them than with an honest assessment of how they really are.

I count myself, squarely, in every single one of those categories. I am weak and have given into weaknesses more than I can and often would like to remember. We all have.

What I'm looking for and what I find all too rare is someone and people, generally, who can be more honest about that fact. The fact that all of us are weak, give into weakness, and have given into weakness far too many times to count. I work with kids enough, at this point, to know that people who argue that they do not or have not given into any myriad of weaknesses are lying, to me and to themselves. If we all would remember being kids and young people we can remember giving into to all kinds of weaknesses. All of us. I don't care how pious or sanctimonious we may be.

And it is learning from those experiences, not avoiding them altogether, which helps us learn the lessons and makes us stronger.

Acknowledging this does not mean that we should glorify or rationalize our sinning and our weaknesses or pretend like they are less hurtful or more healthy than they really are. And being aware of the consequences of our sinning and weaknesses and fucking up does not mean that we should at all get all self-righteous and sanctimonious about our foolishness. It just means that we should learn the lessons. And the most important lesson is giving ourselves the freedom to fuck up, to learn our lessons and, as much as possible, avoid screwing up when we get clear about its consequences, and forgiving ourselves and one another when we do.

It sounds simple enough, doesn't it? And yet that is perhaps the most important and most common mistake, sin, weakness, what-have-you that we all engage in. That we neither give ourselves nor one another enough freedom to screw up and that we fruitlessly and counterproductively believe that if we withhold forgiveness that we have somehow found some kind of control over the behavior of those whom we cannot ever control no matter what we might ever want to believe otherwise.

Liberal societies are stronger because they've figured all of this out, better, than more traditional and repressive societies. Liberal values are stronger values because they carry this wisdom and understanding about humanity inside of them, and the knowledge that such understanding cannot be either given without responsibility and internalization for such values nor can they be imbued within people against their will.

Liberal values have come to terms with the now and forever immutability of free will, for better and for worse, and the need for free will to animate conscience and for conscience to animate our thinking, expressing, and behaving.

The strongest liberal values embrace that freedom wholeheartedly without living in fear of being burned, because they have accepted that being burned is a part of life and a part of living and living those values. Weaker people with more illiberal values will always rationalize cynicism about this strength and exploit it for vulnerability, they will always take advantage of its more thoughtful, less reactive, and less aggressive values.

And that is what makes liberal people and liberal values so strong. That they can take the hit. And know that it is better than striking out when doing so only exacerbates the problem.

Liberal people sometimes, often, do give into the weakness of aggression when it is counterproductive. I'm watching a whole culture do it, right now. But when they do, they do what they do best.

They learn their lessons. And that is what makes liberal peoples and liberal values so strong.

Liberal values are sustaining because they are both the wisest lessons learned, and the capacity for learning the deepest, most profound, most serious lessons along the way. Liberal values are stronger because they are animated by wisdom more than by muscle or force. They don't eschew force altogether, because judgment, in the moment and over a lifetime, is more inviolable in a liberal democracy and among liberal peoples than any other value. Consciences more than rules are the heart of a liberal culture. Rules and laws are a means of organizing those consciences for practical purposes of giving authority to a way of thinking about an issue. But what is far more inviolable than such authority in liberal cultures is the freedom of conscience and to question, doubt, and challenge such authority, especially when it centers itself around force rather than wisdom, might rather than right, and violates higher matters of conscience.

When a political leader or party or ideology or a people centers themselves around might rather than right, as is the case in America, at least, today, and much of the liberal democratic world, sadly, it is sign of the bankruptcy of that thinking of the ideas that animate those people or ideologies. It is a sign that they have begun to think of themselves as right rather than as participants in a debate and discussion about right. It is, by definition, self-righteous.

It is also the basis for the most serious sin of power: pride. The most serious sin likely in the history of humanity, in terms of its overwhelmingly tragic consequences, is pride and self-righteousness amongst those who would aspire to power or affiliate themselves with those who might. Why do Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Mussolini, Castro, Hussein, Kim Jong Il, Robert Mugabe, and their ilk all maintain their right and means of power despite the clear evil they perpetrate? At a personal level, what animates this kind of stubborn pursuit of evil ends? Do they believe themselves evil? Do they believe they must do battle with good people?

No. I don't think so. I'm fairly clear at this point that, in all likelihood, they have all very much thought of themselves a good people doing what undoubtedly they believe to be some of what they likely believed to be great good in their lifetimes. They believe themselves to be right and, often, the final arbiters of right. Not likely in their deepest, truest hearts. They likely had truer consciences creeping deep below their insanely self-righteous surfaces. But their weakness, their pride, their self-righteous pursuit and maintanence of power was likely very much sustained by a belief that what they were or are doing serves a much better purpose than their detractors give them credit for.

They are wrong, of course. They are evil sons-a-bitches, every single one of them. But they believe themselves to be better.

Don't we all believe ourselves to be better than we really are when we are not doing good or being better than we know we need to be? Of course we do. Every single one of us. It's only once we've learned the lesson that we know what dicks we can be and have been.

To be stronger is not to never be weak. Such an existence does not exist, has never existed, never will exist. We are all weak. We, meaning people, will always be weak. There will never be a dawn when weakness will somehow disappear from our individual or commonly led lives.

To be stronger is to accept our weakness, and ourselves for our weakness. That's not just moralizing or pie-in-the-sky bullshit. That's a practical lesson of life that you can take to the bank. And if you don't believe it, try living another life, and get a taste of what weakness rationalized as sanctimony or bullying or infallibility or any of its many guises looks like. If you have any sense at all - and any desire to live a decent and happy life - you will learn the lesson, hopefully sooner rather than later. Though I have to admit that I have had some fuck-ups in my life that have taken an enormously long period of time for me to own up for.

And that is life. Some people choose so many self-fulfilling prophecies of failure to learn this lesson - this lesson of forgiveness and giving ourselves and one another the freedom and the space to fuck up and learn the lesson. And, admittedly, if your lesson is to stop being a murderous, terrorist motherfucker, you will definitely have to be contained, and killed if necessary, if you can't get the lesson straight. I believe, sincerely and with all my heart, in the power of redemption from our mistakes and sins and fuck-ups in life. And I am not naive in the least to believe that everyone who claims to have taken responsibility for their mistakes have in fact done so. I've given enough empty apologies in my life to know that "I'm sorry," doesn't always mean that I am really sorry or that I will not fuck up again. Nor do I live in a world of cyncism that either assumes that people will burn me with an apology nor that the history of humanity is a story of falling more than picking ourselves up. Picking ourselves up is the rule rather than the exception. And the single most important quality that undermines our and others' capacity to pick themselves up when they have screwed up is their inability to forgive themselves, genuinely, and our inability to forgive them when they cannot or even when they can, that leads people, myself included, to fuck up far longer than I knew I should. Having a mistake held over my head has led me to fuck up more times than once, and has never led me to take responsibility more quickly. Ever.

What I need in a mate is not someone who is looking forward to a life of baseness and ludeness with a lying, no-good two-timer (though I have to admit that the baseness and lewdness has a certain appeal:).

Cheating, by the way, just so happens to be one sin I've never committed, largely because someone I loved very much told me just how much it would hurt if I ever did. I believed her then and now.

What I need in a mate is someone who is stronger than all of this and able and willing to embrace and love people, the world, and me, even for all of its baser and lewder and less noble qualities. I need someone who loves people, genuinely and unconditionally, not just when they behave the way she wants them to behave.

I need someone with the courage to love people. And herself. And me.

I had someone like that for awhile. I hope that's who she still is. I don't get to talk with her much, these days, which is a sign to me of someone rationalizing more weakness than I want in my own life. I don't want the woman I love to give up all of her friendships or old relationships to make me feel secure. That is not and never has been real security. That is weakness and insecurity afraid of its own shadow.

I want someone who is strong enough to love the world with her heart wide open, even when it means heartbreak and pain and tragedy in a world that loves its weaknesses, too often, more than it loves itself and people who rationalize and hide their weaknesses more than they embrace or love themselves or one another.

I want someone who loves herself and me and everyone, more, for who they are, and not just who they wish them to be. I fall short on that one a lot. I sure as hell wish the world was a lot better than it really is. But it's not. And I love all these silly little bastards, anyway. I love them the more I deal with them, is the truth. I just get more infuriated with them, sometimes.

I want someone who loves me and who I can count on in a social situation or who has wisdom to offer or something for me to learn from or can and wants to constructively challenge me, to learn something I don't know, to see how I'm wrong when I don't see it, to be a better man. And I want someone who can love me for who I am, in the meantime.

Once you've had that even just once in your life, there really is no substitute.

I want that sort of love, for real. I want a sustained and sustainable version where that love is taken seriously and not taken for granted and with someone who knows that it is more important than anything else that life has to offer.

And I want to spend many, many loving, romantic, fun, down-to-earth, exciting and not-so-exciting, thoughtful, relaxing, politically incorrect, vulgar, offensive, stupid days, nights, and everything in between and otherwise be head-over-heels in love and everything that comes with it - for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

Really, I just want to have a nice life. And love someone as much as they and I deserve.

And I want to be loved by someone who loves me as much as I love her, and people, in general. I want to be loved by someone whom it hurts like hell to lose because that's just how remarkably special that person is.

I want to be loved by someone who I can look to as strong and as much a rock in my life as I am in hers. I want her to be someone who knows that that strength doesn't come from muscle or money or power or any of these trifling things. That it comes from heart and mind, love and conscience, and being as decent and humble a human being that she or I or anyone we might know or come in contact with knows how to be.

I want someone who is stronger. For real. Not all that posing bullshit. I want someone who makes me stronger in her presence and who I am deeply proud to call my friend and partner and, one day, wife and whom my kids call mom. I want someone who is the kind of mom that my kids are proud of both because of what a good mom and woman she is and, as with me, despite her flaws, not pretending that she nor I nor anyone doesn't have them. I want my kids to kick the living shit out of my legacy, is the truth. And the legacy of their mom. And all of our legacies. I don't want them to be like me. I want them to be better than me. And I want a woman in my life who understands that and who wants to raise kids who learn from her and my failures and mistakes and who teach her and me how to be better people, not reinforce all of our flaws.

I better get work done before I have to head for home, here, in a moment.

I just wanted to think, for a moment, about having someone stronger in my life, and to help me be stronger still.

Love,
Ben

Sunday, April 22, 2007

The Virginia Tech killings and moving forward

The Washington Post has several excellent articles, this morning, about the Virginia Tech shootings. One, in particular, caught my attention.

Campus Shutdown Never Considered

What I'm becoming impressed about in the Post's reporting is the same quality that has me drawn to their opinion page: they engage the debate. The Post definitely has a liberal bias, but it also has an enormous array of columnists with a diverse array of ideological orientations and opinions.

And, these days, many of its journalist, in my experience, are doing the same thing with its reporting of fact: they are engaging the debate. There are far too many one-sided attempts to portray reporting from a particular viewpoint as objective fact. That much Fox News has right. Pretending that your reporting is fact when it clearly represents a particular viewpoint is dishonest. Much better to just acknowledge that you have a particular point of view and engage the debate. And the Post articles I've been reading have been doing one better than that. They have been engaging the debate inside their articles, openly considering different points of view. It is refreshing and important to see that kind of open debate, thought, and engagement animate our public discussion.

It is sad to watch the campus police for Virginia Tech get grilled about their decisions when they, clearly would have done anything to stop these murders had they known what was going to happen, as we all would have done in their shoes. They are right that a campus lockdown could have very well trapped an angry Seung Hui Cho in a dorm or on campus (though they are also right that a lockdown would have been very difficult to impose on an entire campus, and Seung Hui Cho might have still roamed the campus, as well) and caused more carnage.

Campus lockdowns, metal dectectors, security cameras. These are all legitimate options to consider for future school security measures, for Virginia Tech and every school, none of which seem immune to this kind of mayhem. What is not constructive is hurt and angry and pained family members, school officials or self-righteous journalists, and activists always playing with hindsight and trying to find someone to blame. As Lionel Shriver, a novelist writing about school murders, puts it in his Post column, What the Killers Want:

"Even more than these gruesomely gratuitous incidents themselves, I have come to dread the campus shooting's ritual media aftermath -- a secondary wave of atrocity, all conducted under the guise of grief, soul-searching concern and an ostensible determination to ensure that no demented loner ever opens fire on his classmates again."

As Shriver and the Virginia Tech campus police both argue, it is fruitless and counterproductive and unfair to point fingers at people who are in good faith because we are saddened and in pain about what happened here. Looking forward and considering what we might do next is helpful and an important and legitimate discussion and debate to engage. But as with the endless 9/11 commissions and investigations and the myriad of efforts to look into how officials could have prevented a terrible tragedy that had already happened and could not be taken back, no matter how painful or horrific, recrimination serves as a hopelessly ineffective and counterproductive means of preventing tragedy.

When I think about it, it is likely the reason why humanity operated for bulk of its history in unreason and brutishness and repression. Because all we could see in front of us was our need to inflict pain on those who inflicted pain on us, or who we believed we could or should point fingers at for letting that pain happen. And if entire populations were repressed or kept mired in the self-fulfilling prophecy that such repression and violence and force created, then so be it. It was not until important religious figures like Martin Luther would argue for the fundamental rights of conscience and secular political thinkers like Thomas Hobbes, John Locke, Jacques Rousseau, Adam Smith, Alexis DeToqueville, and John Stuart Mill would argue for thinking about government in terms of reason and what it could accomplish and not according to the mystical, self-perpetuating and illiberal terms that governments had operated previous to their conceptions that people began to imagine and embrace liberal futures which would prove to provide for their security and their needs far more substantially.

While Hobbes' Britain languished in sectarian civil war and thoughts of revenge and recrimination and regaining power, Hobbes was thinking about a world where reason rather than religion would justify and animate our thinking about governance.

And during moments like this one in Blackburg, Virginia there are those who languish in pain and recrimination and finger-pointing, and there are those who look forward to a constructive debate and discussion about what can be done to prevent this sort of thing and to substantially improve our capacity to avoid such tragedies.

Many things have occured to me as I've read so much of the coverage about Seung Hui Cho. It's not just that's he was a loner and harboring all sorts of repressed anger and grudges and hurt feelings and that his interest in violent video games may give us a clue into his mentality (I am definitely of the opinion that such features of our vast array of media are a reflection of internal mental states and cultural attitudes much more than causing them, if they have any causal influence at all; they do, however, give us insight into the mentality of individuals and a culture that is obsessed with violence or sex or whatever appetites people might have).

Lionel Shriver, the novelist in today's post, has some important observations. Such killers and their copy-cats often crave the fame and the media attention that they must receive from the media after such a tragedy if we are going to have any shot at preventing such tragedies in the future. They crave the attention. My experience with kids and personally is that such attention-seeking - which is endemic in our culure; kids like Seung Hui Cho just go to horrific ends to get it - is that it is both common and borne of our desire to be valued by others. As Shriver argues, it is also solipsistic, self-pitying, and self-centered. But it also may be reinforced by so many efforts that I believe we foolishly make to try to isolate and pressure and take down those who we want to let know that we do not value, or at least we don't value their actions.

Isolation and exclusion is a means of telling people, "You are not welcome." Pressure is a means of telling people, "You're behavior is not welcome." Often it is deserved. Often enough it is underserved. We certainly don't welcome into our homes someone who has just killed a member of our family. But neither should be exclude or pressure members of our family who are gay or who think differently than we do. But adopting attitudes and policies that are centered around how we use isolation, pressure, exclusion, and other forms of manipulation to enforce societal norms often overwhelms the already limited mental and emotional capacities of those we seek to control. It also often leads, much more tragically, in some ways, to treating people in good faith with suspicion and fear, out of our own fears of being hurt or burned.

Had we known that Seung Hui Cho would strike out like he did, I am sure that any of us would have advocated the need to isolate him and shut him down by any decent means necessary (I would hope that none of us would literally argue for Malcolm X's call for accomplishing our ends "by any means necessary," since doing so rationalizes a long litany of ugly and barbaric means of dealing with this kind of situation - who would advocate bombing Seung Hui Cho's dormitory, for instance? - as well as many less dramatic but still ugly and wrong-headed options). There is an important discussion that needs to take place in schools and universities about how metal dectectors, security cameras, lockdowns and the like can be used to keep people safe in such situations, and not cripple the freedom that make educations and schools such critical and necessary institutions in a liberal democracy.

But there is an equally important discussion about how people like Cho or Kleibold or Harris or any number of such people are treated leading up to their murderous rampages that can much more substantially impact their ugly and deadly ambitions.

The larger question than even the very important and practical question of security on school and university campuses and in the community at large - the Economist surprised me with this lead editorial lamenting what they call, "America's Tragedy," which they describe as American politicians' unwillingness to engage the gun debate and to enact stricter gun control (despite the fact that since 1996, 1 year previous to Britain's ban on handguns, Britain's violent crime rate has risen 69%, according to this 2005 article I read from the Lake County Record-Bee, during a similar period when America's violent crime rate was reaching record lows until 2005 and 2006, when America's crime rate spiked during a period of "get-tough" criminal justice) - is how do we treat people like Cho or Kleibold or Harris or whomever that leads them to act even in this self-pitying, self-centered, solipsistic, and clearly wrong and ugly way?

My experience with working with such kids is that they, like too many of us, really, often harbor a lot of pain and many petty grudges against peers and authority figures. And every time we give them more pain and petty opportunities for nursing grudges, it just accumulates in their hearts without the safety valve that forgiveness and letting go provides. They, like their cultural counterparts in more repressive parts of the world - Palestine, Iraq, North Korea, Cuba - are weak, emotionally and as a matter of deeper perspective and thought, in a world they often don't understand and make enough effort to try to understand, largely as a function of and as a self-fulfilling prophecy of pain and heartache, disrespect and insensitivity, emotional defenses and limited understanding, and made weaker still by their failure to forgive and let go of petty grudges and even more serious and real pain and tragedy that they have experienced in their lives.

It is no mistake that liberal democratic cultures are more forgiving and stronger in so many important ways that more repressive cultures take for weakness because of a failure of understanding and perspective on why their cultures suffer so many hardships. The liberal democratic world and those infused with its values more solidly are stronger because they forgive so easily. It is their relatively stronger ability to look forward, to stay engaged in a dynamic and forever evolving world, rather than get mired in grudges and hardships and pain from the past, that makes their cultures stronger in their capacity to deal, more effectively, with the many different challenges and problems that life offers us, strong or weak. And our democracy offers us more choices and checks on the capacity for any one group or ideology or individual political leader to dominate those most important questions for too long a period (although, it does often seem like groups or people or ideas dominate for too long, despite our best efforts, largely because too many of us still romanticize a time when one group or individual or idea will finally dominate and make all of our troubles go away).

And individuals like Seung Hui Cho, very much like violent or recriminatory cultures like Palestine, are weaker for their harbored pain and grudges and disgruntlement.

The last thing that we want to do in such situations, then, is give them more excuse to harbor pain and lash out at others. That doesn't mean we should appease them. We shouldn't. What it means is that we should make more effort to make such people and all people feel valued for what constructive, healthy, and sustaining contributions that they have to offer.

Right now, we are going through a period where even the most self-sacraficing and contributing members of our society - like those campus police - are being treated consistently and without wavering, with suspicion, force, and aggression. It is overwhelming even for the strongest among us. It is more especially so for the weakest and most pained and grudging among us.

The efforts to force society to shape up have, in great part, been well-meaning, I believe. I don't think they've been carried out by bad people, to say the least. To the contrary, those who believe in their capacity to force people to shape up (and I have, sadly, counted myself among them, at times) are some of the best people I know or have familiarity with.

They are not bad. They are mistaken, I believe. And failing to look more honestly at their failures. I count myself among that category as well, I believe. I am getting much better. I think many people are, these days.

Clearly, if any of us had known what Seung Hui Cho was going to do that day, we would or should have all been prepared to force Cho, if possible, to give up his weapon and his crusade. Those officers were clearly prepared to do so. They just had no idea what Cho was planning. None of us did.

But the saddest thing about this period of human history is that the world entire has been rationalizing its worst impulses - its weaker, more recriminatory, more cynical, more pained, more grudging, more self-sabatoging, more self and otherwise destructive impulses - which are the exact impulses that animate the weaker, more destructive, more violent, more repressed and repressive members of humanity. Our fear of such people - of school shooters and terrorists, of opposing political parties and their operatives and ideological counterparts, of despots and the repressive cultures that too often support them - has led us down a dark and tempting path of hoping to control and punish and force them to leave us unthreatened by their weaker, more destructive impulses. And contrary to all of our hopes for such a strategy, such efforts have, generally, led to greater ambitions on the part of those we fear to cause us destruction and suffering and pain.

Western religious culture refers to this tendency as living by the sword and dying by the sword. Do unto others as they would do unto you has a dark corollary, as it turns out. If we treat others with fear and suspicion and with ambitions to overpower them, they will often do the same. Even, and often especially, if they are too weak to do so for any sustained period of time.

And our weakness inspires the weaknesses of others. Mine too, as it turns out. All of us, as it turns out.

But the brilliance of the promise of liberal democratic values and society is that our growth comes not from the illusion that fighting weakness will make it go away (though clearly we must stop Al Queda's and Seung Hui Cho's of the world from committing their evil deeds). Our brilliance is in recognizing, better, that embracing our weakness, our weakest members, and especially our weakness and our pride in our belief in power and aggression to make our fears and our problems go away, forgiving ourselves that weakness, and learning from it, is where real strength lies.

Strength and progress does not lie in pretending that a weaker approach is a stronger one, despite consequences to the contrary. Progress lies in embracing our weakness, especially our pride, and taking more genuine responsibility for it as a matter of conscience rather than as a matter of fear. That was the point of more genuinely liberal and progressive authors like Nathaniel Hawthorne and The Scarlet Letter or Herman Melville and Billy Budd, or more genuine liberal leaders like Jesus, the Buddha, Mohatma Ghandi, Martin Luther King, or Desmond Tutu.

Their point was not that we would not sin, nor that we should sin, including and especially the sin of pride, violence and destructiveness, and the abuse of power.Their point was that individuals and communities would and do sin and cause harm and destruction to one another. Ghandi was fully aware and saddened by the destruction promised by Hindus and Muslims on one another following independence. King was aware and concerned about the destruction that blacks were threatening and would rain down upon their own communities, sadly, more than on whites, after his death. Desmond Tutu was anticipating such a reaction when he developed a truth and reconciliation commission in South Africa to ward off exactly that temptation by South Africa's majority black population, which has now become the template for truth and reconciliation efforts in war-torn areas of the world like Bosnia, East Timor, Iraq and elsewhere.

Their point was not that the sins of humanity, including its more destructive and violent impulses, would go away forever through forgiveness. And to the extent that they believed that forgiveness alone would stop such ugliness or any of the ugliness that we face in the world, today, they were wrong. Force is clearly necessary in as limited of circumstances as possible to prevent violence and destruction towards others.

Their point is that forgiveness is the essence of the only decent path forward. That vengance and destructiveness are our basest, weakest impulses betraying us. And that betrayal has unintended consequences. Seung Hui Cho may or may not have learned of those consequences as he shot himself dead after taking the lives of so many others. Al Queda is likely not learning that lesson as they exact their revenge on the American infidel.

Most people, though, do learn that lesson, I'm confident, given our largely progressive historical record.

Amidst all of the mess that humanity makes of this central fact of life, the only path forward, for individuals and for humanity, generally, is one of forgiveness and reflection and thought and conscience learning the lessons from our failures as much as celebrating our successes.

In Blacksburg, it means having a discussion about the future of school and campus security that both tries to deal with the practical ramifications of preventing this kind of rampage and learning to treat one another more compassionately and decently and teaching, as much as they will learn the lesson, people like Seung Hui Cho, to do the same. With others, but especially, with himself.

The most serious problem for people like Cho or Kleibold or Harris is not how they are treated by others, though this is certainly a place where we can and must improve our capacity to prevent these kinds of tragedies. The most serious problem they face is how they treat themselves, perpetually nursing, and holding on, and not giving adequate voice to their grudges and hurt and self-pity. And the most important place that we could start to effect change in this respect is to be better examples and to do a better job, ourselves, of treating ourselves better rather than perpetually nursing, holding onto, and not giving adequate voice to our own grudges and hurt and self-pity. And the most important way that we could make this more available to people is to stop making people afraid to do so, for fear of punishments that do more to repress problems and make them go unspoken rather than be given voice and an opporunity for resolution.

That is the central failure of repression. It causes more pain to people who need to have healthy and open avenues for expressing their present pain, and to more openly discuss even their most awful and ridiculous thoughts if they are to better and more consistently let the pain go, to engage discussions about how to deal with their problems better, and to take responsibility for their lives. And, sadly, repression undermines the ability of even the most constructive and thoughtful among us to engage such discussions to get at better solutions.

That is the failure of repression in the life of Seung Hui Cho. And it is the failure of repression in the land and culture of Palestine. They are one and the same. One at the individual level. One at that cultural level.

And the sad and tragic irony of the beginning of the 21st century is that we have begun this new century by rationalizing all of the worst, most destructive, most repressive impulses and ideas and governing philosophies of the 20th century and earlier human history out of our failure to come to terms with the failure of such destructiveness and repression to resolve so many of our problems, and our own illiberal logic from which they spring, and to, instead, very much keep those problems in place.

Our hope lies in embracing that weakness, and all of the weaknesses that we are subject to. Our hope and our future lies in accepting and forgiving our humanity so that we can be responsible for it and take more authentic steps forward.

I am very much susceptible to this weakness of fear and aggression and the temptations of power. And I and noone will move forward in this regard by rationalizing that weakness, or any of our weaknesses. I and everyone can only move forward by embracing it, forgiving it and more genuinely moving forward.

I've already seen that work far too thoroughly in my own life to easily dismiss it. Our challenge, now, is when, more than if, we will embrace that as a culture, and not just as individuals, and certainly not as passive observers waiting for prophets or martyrs to sacrafice themselves for us.

We need to decide if we are going to continue to take the path of Stalin and Hitler, Mao and Mussolini, Al Queda and Seung Hui Cho - the path of repression and vengeance and power - or the path of Hawthorne and Melville, Jesus and Buddha, Ghandi and King - the path of patient reason and forgiveness and genuine liberal progress. We need to decide if we are going to give into the pressures and temptations that terrorism and school violence and so many of our worst ills create to follow a reactive like path of repression and destructiveness. Or if we are going to embrace the risk and uncertainty and possibility and opportunity that freedom affords us to deal with problems more openly, honestly and thoughtfully and without a false pride that we have arrived at final answers that we have not.

Right now, we are taking the road of more aggression and force and repression. And perhaps that is best, if only to face its clear failure to resolve our problems.

But in its place we will need an understanding of the use of force and aggression that does not play to this false choice that we have created in these most recent debates about force or not. We will need a conception of force that creates a presumption about its use that assumes that we should use it as constructively as possible, which means as little as possible and only as much as necessary. We have been deferring to an idea of force and power without limits, in the most recent years. We are and will continue to discover that such limits are present whether we acknowledge them or not.

I do grow discouraged every day that I have to face another colleague or another administrator angrily or aggressively push or pressure me around this or that issue, and fail to listen to me when I make perfectly clear for them how counterproductive such efforts are and have been. My most profound hope is that such ugliness cannot possibly be sustained since they cannot sustain us. What they do is undermine and take for granted my trust in their good intentions despite their miserable results and, more important to me, their miserable treatment of me. It makes life less worth living, except in the knowledge that I can soon be out of their presence and engaged in more worthy or constructive efforts.

And this weekend very much reinforced for me that it is a calm reflection and discussion and exchange and civility and human decency that are now and forever the future of humanity, including how we thoughtfully engage matters of safety and security. I am quite tired of our more aggressive and forceful ways. It was nice to have a couple days off from people being nasty and mean and aggressive with me and to get more done by being nicer and more relaxed in my efforts to complete work.

I've decided that this is what I want most of all. In my relationships and friendships. In my work. In my off-time. I just want to spend as much time as possible with people who treat me decent even as we rigorously consider important questions or don't so rigorously consider less important questions. I'm tired of having people be dicks to me, all the time, not ever take responsibility for it. I'm tired of people being too weak, personally, intellectually, or otherwise, to acknowledge that their being a dick undermines mine and their goals, rather than facilitating either, since it leaves me dreading to communicate or discuss anything at all with them, important or not. And I am tired, in general, with everyone pretending like being dicks doesn't have anything to so many of the problems we face today, even though many of our problems seem to get worse the bigger dicks we are.

Maybe if it all isn't so repressed, we can see, better, why it doesn't work. I can only hope. Because all I want is to spend time with people, more, who understand this. Or at least understand to treat me better. I'm tired of being the subject of peoples' aggression and force rather than just having grown-up conversations with people. And what I am sure of is that more conversations like this one are not grown-up in ways that get us to solutions of our problems. And they drain all the energy out of me to tackle such problems in the meantime.

Love,
Ben

Friday, April 20, 2007

Grading on a Friday night

Tonight I went jogging with a friend, took a shower, cleaned up my apartment some and I'm about to do some grading, all here on a Friday night. And I'm having a really nice night.

I'm sitting here listening to Dar Williams and having so many good memories of Friday or Saturday nights just like this one, listening to Dar Williams or the Red, Hot, and Blue album or Louis Armstrong or Frank Sinatra and just having a really nice romantic night with dinner or a movie or just staying in, or going out to theater or a film or some heady activity like a African American/Jewish seder or listening to a speaker, like Jonathan Kozol or Robert Putnam, or wherever we might have ended up.

That's why I love Dar Williams. I love these great romantic and nice memories they inspire from a younger time in my life, living with Brandi in D.C. or Lawrence or Shawnee or spring nights like this one at my Varsity apartment on 21st street or the apartment with Carson and Bond and Scotty-Joe in downtown Wichita, just enjoying a cool Kansas night like this one.

If you haven't just stayed in and listened to Dar Williams on a Friday or Saturday night and not do anything but just do some cleaning and some grading or just be with the person you love, I highly recommend it (especially her Out There Live greatest hits album). It's the closest thing to being in love while single.

I've got to go get some grading done. But I just wanted to enjoy some very nice memories for just a moment.

Love,Ben

Thursday, April 19, 2007

The force of our convictions and our ignorance

I am just reflecting, tonight, after those Virginia Tech killings, which, in all likelihood, are made more likely by the high pressure ways that we deal with one another, including that kid who committed this terrible crime.

It's so insane. Our forceful, pressuring, strong-arming ways are so destructive so much of the time. They accomplish so little in real time (except, generally, to cover our rear ends), and they undermine so much, including and especially our real and developing capacity for reflecting on our behavior and choices, which is the only real basis for sustained behavior change, if we consulted just a smidgeon of the psychological research and if we thought it for about two seconds.

It is so destructive, for good people and in ways that increase the propensity of not-so-good people to turn to the most destructive means. Remember, pressure and forcing one's way through political negotiations IS the underlying purpose of terrorism. They just think we don't have any balls to go to the lengths they go to. And, in the meantime, it completely fucks a healthy life for good people, as we are all scrambling like mad to keep one step ahead of our fears that take more thought and engagement and communication to adequately mangage (that's why more educated and more thoughtful liberal democratic societies do such a better job managing such situations we would realize if we weren't such stubborn knuckleheads about this issue), which means lives of misery for no good goddamned reason. We're just too scared and foolish to wisen up.

The truth is that, as in Iran or Cuba or Syria or North Korea, our convictions aren't worth a cup of warm spit if they aren't guided by more enlightened thought about how to accomplish those things that our convictions seek to accomplish.

Have we rid the world of sin by legislating or moralizing or ostracizing or socially, legally, economically, or politically pressuring people to act better?

No is the most obvious goddamn answer to that simple observation about life. Does the legislating help? No. Has it helped for the millenia that we've been trying it? No. Is is going to help on other matters when there is no immediate danger and where reflection has not caught up with behavior yet?

No, is the simplest goddamn answer to that question.

Will people catch up if they are in good faith? Sure. Because they'll catch up if they're in good faith regardless. Will it catch up if they are not in good faith? No. And, unless there is immediate danger, it doesn't do any goddamn good and it makes it all the more attractive for both good and not-so-good people to taste forbidden fruit until they are in good faith.

Meaning, sin and lawbreaking and all sorts of disrespect for social codes is a monster that we create for ourselves, much of the time, because instead of faciliating reflection and communication and understanding about issues and more patiently allowing peoples' consciences to work out such problems, we make sinning and lawbreaking and disrespect for social codes all the more attractive for our efforts to dissuade people.

Hopefully, they get it figured out, and only because they give a shit.

But if they don't give a shit, we just make it more interesting for them to break the rules.

So nicer, softer, more reflection provoking methods get us closer to our goal because they cut through all the middlemen of temptation and forbidden fruit and blind rebellion that are the consequence, largely, of people rebelling against the rules and not understanding their own mistakes while they are making them.

Do I despair that we will never learn that lesson and forever be lost in this wilderness of self-righteousness around our various causes? Often and deeply:):)LOL:):)

But is that the only course available to us? Obviously not. We are not cursed to be dumbasses till the ends of humanity (although Mike Judge makes a convincing case that perhaps that is where we are heading if we keep embracing tough and sexy and immediately gratified over smart and strong and compassionate and decent).

The force of our convinctions will continue leading us down the path to hell, if we can't get our heads out of our sanctamonious asses for one moment to look around and ask ourselves, "Where's all that progress that we were promised?"

It's not in Iran. It's not in North Korea. It's not in Iraq. It's not in the environment (although I have to say that the environmental ethic that has developed in the free market is the most promising sign of real environmental progress that I have witnessed in the last 5 years or so). It's defintely not on race issues, which are at a dead stand-still, as far as I am concerned, as we all continue to keep quiet about how we really feel so the thought police are appeased. It's not on wealth equity issues, where we continue to fail to develop some kind of sustainable means of dealing with the problems of poverty. It's not gender equity issues, as women make 75 cents on the dollar and as a more genuinely open and equitable conversation about sexual equality is kept at bay by so much more repressive liberal and conservative moralisms about a woman's place and men's responsibilities.

I can't name a place in American or international life where real progress is taking place these days and unequivocally say, "Thank god that more repressive forces has shown us the way."

And the most serious place where we lack progress in 21st century political life is in our romanticism of force. Two hundred plus years of liberalization all treated like they were some kind of historical accident that interrupted thousands of years of force and aggression dominating humanity's fate, with liberal values leading us out of that dark and unfortunate and long period of human history.

What we need, reason the forces of repression, is to put that genie back in the bottle. We need to let go of our aspirations for freedom and learn to live with the compromise of a forced, miserable, exhausted, cynical, unhappy existence.

It's almost like we've reached the promised land with that kind of thinking, isn't it? How could I have missed all of the progress in that vision of the future?

The big lie of the Nazis and the Soviets was that they imposed a harsh, miserable, unproductive existence on their people, and then when things never seemed to turn out as well as they planned they would intone, "Just wait. The progress will materialize. Once we have finally imposed our will for good."

"Just wait," I can hear Democrats saying, right now, "Progress is on the way. Just wait." And when it comes, they will say, "See what we created?" And Republicans will say, "But no. You didn't create that progress. We are responsible for all that progress."

And noone will have the courage to acknowledge that perhaps that progress comes largely from the efforts of individuals and not from political parties, at all. And perhaps, just perhaps, it comes from our learning and a discussion that more openly facilitates it, not from force that presupposes right answers that it cannot possibly know.

And sadly, it is the force of the convictions of terrorists that kill innocent Israeli and American and British and Spanish and Lebanese citizens who say to Muslim populations, "See all the progress that we create in the name of Allah and Mohammed? See how we have confronted the Infidel and assured a stronger place for Islam in Islamic society and Muslim nations in the world of nations?"

And the Chinese will laugh and say, "Progress does not come from some god. Progress comes through the party. It comes because we make it so. Liberalization is a fancy Western word for the good things that the Chinese government has created for you."

And on and on and on. Everyone claiming the banner of progress, whether they have actually produced it or not.

And meanwhile, free peoples continue to look to their political authorities to provide them with progress that is only possible when they are more free and not when they are more regulated and fearful of their government.

And I just breathe a heavy sigh and think to myself:

"I live in this foolish, foolish time with these foolish, foolish people and all I want to do is be left alone if they cannot learn to live with one another more reasonably and with more respect for one another and their consciences. I just want these foolish people to leave me alone if they can't treat me decently and constantly make excuses for what shitheads they are to me and one another. If people are going to perpetually rationalize why they are so selfish and mean-spirited and hurtful, I just want to spend as much time away from them as possible. Because these are not people that I could ever aspire to be."

"Why would any child want to be like us when we are behaving this way?" we must ask ourselves. Why would anyone look on our culture and think, "That is the best that humanity has to offer?" we must think to ourselves at some point. Why would anyone look at out debates and discussions and boycotts and protests and pressure and strong-arming and forceful and aggressive ways and say, "That is what humanity has been aspiring to be for all its glorious history?"

We can't say any of those things. Because if we did, we'd be big fat fuckin' liars.

We are not the best that humanity has to offer. And the quicker we come to terms with that, the better we can move on to BECOME the kind of people that are the best that humanity has to offer rather than constantly making excuses for why we are such dicks all the time.

I am embarrassed by this little race of ours. I love them. A lot. I care about them. A lot. But I'm not going to lie to them and tell them that they are the best that humanity has to offer when they so clearly are not.

I love them more than that.

And I can only hope that people will, one day soon, I hope, learn to love themselves enough to be honest with themselves in that way. So that we can get about the business of becoming the kind of people that can proudly call itself the best that humanity has to offer rather than the piss-poor forced cynical compromise with that vision.

I can only hope that we will face up to ourselves. Because we are a shitty little species in the meantime.

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Life of Ben

I've often said that I want people to play the last 15 minutes of Monty Python's The Life of Brian at my funeral.

There is no movie or story, I've decided, that better matches the experience of my young adulthood than this clever little critique of fanatical and self-righteous left and right wing politics.

Very much like Brian, I was a kindhearted young man just looking to do good and help others. And that ambition has now turned into one long self-righteous crusade against me and anything I say or think that doesn't fall in line with any of the various dogmas. My experiences in grad school, with the Kaw Valley Living Wage Campaign, at Community Living Opportunities, and now Eisenhower Middle School have all been broadly negative in the sense that I have perpetually been bullied and aggressively pressured by those who you would presume would be in common cause.

The greatest irony of this whole experience has been that I have spent the great majority of my life identifying with, ideologically, the very kind of folks that I have been repeatedly bullied by: liberals. It has shaken my faith in liberalism in very real ways. And none of them seem to give two shits about that fact, persistently rationalizing that I am worth sacraficing to their various causes.

My contract at Eisenhower wasn't renewed this year. I was recruited by the Olathe school district within the week, who I had interviewed with halfway through this year, when I was feeling most miserable at Eisenhower. I had turned down Olathe, indicating that I was committed to Eisenhower and the kids in the lower income community I was teaching in, even though the money would have likely been better in Olathe and the kids less challenging. I only got into teaching to work in inner city school reform, so it seemed to defeat the purpose to move to a higher paying district when I could just move to a much higher paying professional field.

I will, of course, find, likely, better paying work in a more educated suburban district. And long term, I will likely get my Ph.D. in policy and who knows what I will do with education. But I'm a little bitter with Dr. Ogburn and Ms. Cowan the two liberal administrators who bullied me all year and who decided that it was easier to get rid of me than to take responsibility for the consequences of their poor handling of and mentoring for me during my first full year of teaching.

They had good reasons to be frustrated with me. My special ed paperwork has been a mess, with me trying persistently to catch up with this and that way that paperwork must be handled. Many of my problems centered around trying to make the IEP process more personal and less bureaucratic and legalese, and then losing track of the bureaucracy and legalisms (I would persistently forget to get signatures for paperwork, for whatever reasons). They thought I was too unstructured and seriously pressured me to change that. I changed it as a matter of conscience and principle, finding nicer and softer ways to actually create stronger structure rather than enforcing a principle that students persistently broke or where I established a relationship of fear with students that traded off more important qualities of a teacher/student relationship including a willingness to challenge me, a fear of being themselves in my presence, breakdowns in communication for students who become to afraid to communicate openly, and learning to hate school rather than love education because of the million fear-mongering teachers that we have all encountered but which the lowest achieving students find the most frustrating, I would imagine.

The bottom line was that on every single issue that my administrators had with me - without exception, actually - I was finding smarter ways of dealing with age-old problems that have not been sufficiently resolved by most teachers, including my administrators, no matter how much they might pretend otherwise. And invariably, I found better strategies. With raising hands and classroom structure. With the IEP paperwork and all of the responsibilities that I have as a teacher, outside and inside the classroom. With enforcing rules. Not to mention communicating with and relating to students, inspiring critical and independent thinking, inspiring value for education and dreaming big with education in mind amongst many kids who might not otherwise take education seriously or dream with education in their horizon.

The truth is that I am well on my way to becoming a really outstanding teacher. I have much room for improvement. But I make up ground quickly. And one of the more base goals I have with such an endeavor (I admit it; I'm not always so noble) is making my administrators feel kind of stupid for firing me. Not just because I'm a brilliant motherfucker. But because I am such an outstanding teacher.

Ironically, since my field is teaching, I have repeatedly remarked to friends and colleagues that this is the least supported that I have ever felt in my life doing anything for the first time. My first year of forensics in high school and especially my first year in college were difficult, but I was supported by friends and family fairly decently. First being accountable to the standards of college was not the easiest thing in the world, but my professors were fairly supportive folks.

But this is the first time that I have ever had superiors bully me my entire first year of doing something that is very difficult to learn how to do well: to be a good teacher. Nevertheless special education, which involves an enormous amount of paperwork and extra work on top of the very rigorous experience of being a quality classroom teacher.

My experience, at this point, has been very similar to Brian's, discovering the self-righteous and yet cowardly motivations of dogmatists of all stripes. Being perpetually bullied by assholes of all ideological stripes.

This year has been an enormous learning curve for me. A learning curve largely obstructed by two people who have, in the past, held the title of teacher.

And a situation that has been largely fueled by a period of self-righteous liberal and radical political action that my administrators have been lost in, as much as anyone else, these days.

It's a period that Python lampoons well in Life of Brian.

If there is anything I've learned during this period it is that bullies teach no lessons that I take seriously, anymore. At all. Ever. And this whole experience has completely reinforced that for me.

The most important consequence of this whole affair and all of my experiences with similar work, at this point, is that after everything I have been through, my commitment to the needs of others has been seriously shaken, at least temporarily. Which is appropriate, because I'm pretty clear, at this point, that none of the people I've worked with have maintained as serious a commitment to others more than too serious a commitment for too many of the people in public service to covering their asses.

And knowing that this is the philosophy that really guides so much of public service work, and that those involved have very little interest in changing that situation, I just haven't been feeling the level of commitment to teaching or inner city schools or public service, generally, that I did going in. That will likely change. But, right now, I feel no special commitment to inner city schools absent a more supportive administration.

What so many of my liberal friends have been successful in doing, this political period, is to take someone whose idealism and commitment to public service was stronger than most, by far, and to seriously shake it, out of a self-righteous commitment to beliefs that they, themselves, have not typically thought about very seriously and which they perpetually refuse to reconcile with the hypocrisy that they are more typically guilty of on this question of adhering to the law and the use of force, both of which they, like everyone, advocate for others and abhor for themselves.

The truth is that I've been treated like serious shit by a lot of people who I used to think of as friends and of similar mind. And what it has taught me is that noone can be trusted to force themselves on anyone, except in the most rare and extreme of circumstances. Liberals can be and are just as ruthless and self-righteous and absolute in their certainty in their use of force and pressure as conservatives who I had always stereotyped my entire life as having the most mean-spirited instincts in politics, religion, and life.

But I was wrong. Liberals can be just as mean-spirited and ruthless, if not more so. And those who are typically pride themselves as such. It's wrong is what it is.

And then we all sit around and wonder why kids bully and who they learn it from.

My life has been a live-action version of the Life of Brian, a kindhearted young guy who has to deal with the contradictions, self-righteous bullying, and crazy adventure of life in political circles where having one's own mind means being an obstacle to ambitious plans of power and "progress."

It is not a story that is isolated to liberals, at all. And neither is the Life of Brian, which pokes fun of right wing and left wing ideologues alike, lost in their hypocrisy and their self-righteous bluster.

But Python gives so much attention to liberals for the same reason I do: because they're liberals, and this is the self-righteous bunch they spend time with. Though I don't identify as a liberal, anymore, so completely fed up am I with the propaganistic manipulation of these group identifications and with the thorough lack of independent, critical, and deepest thought in any dogma, no matter how benign it may pose as being.

When I was in grad school, the Life of Brian was a wise and humorous observation on the foolishness of self-righteous politics and religion from every quarter. Today, Python's masterpiece is a strange parallel to my own very difficult, strange, and remarkable adventures through the world of public service and politics.

The last 15 minutes of the Life of Brian. In case any of the many friends I have informed forget.

I want the last 15 minutes of the Life of Brian played at my funeral. So people can laugh and maybe even cry at a life of a guy who has done his damndest to serve others, but whose outlook was a bit too independent and far too compassionate and caring and not nearly dogmatic enough to really be of good to anyone.

It's too bad. I had such potential. But I'm just not tough or sanctimonious enough to be any good to anyone.

I just want a nice life with a sweet, thoughtful wife and some kids and a job where I can be hassled least by dogmatists and bosses and bullies of every stripe.

I just want to be left alone, is the truth. Because the more I get bullied, the less I give two shits about your cause. You'd think that intelligent folks would wisen up about this, at some point.

But until they do, I just want them out of my hair.

Love,
Ben

Virginia Tech and gun laws

Other teachers and I have been talking a lot about the ramifications of the Virginia Tech shootings for schools. One teacher was convinced that it was a sign of the end days. Others are concerned about what it says about the culture. There is still much more to be said about the psychological dynamics that are involved with why someone feels driven to kill in a situation like this. We talked a lot, today, about students and people feeling powerless and turning to guns to have power over a life that feels out of their control and about feeling pushed too far, I think, particularly during a time when there is no point that is "too far" when it comes to pressuring and pushing and forcing the hand of others.

The debate I was waiting for was, of course, the gun debate.

This A.P. article frames this debate on terms positive to gun control advocates very well.

U.S. gun laws draw heat after massacre

But Ravenwood cites the Virginia Tech gun policy which pretty explicitly makes illegal the possession of the firearm in this situation.

"2.2 Prohibition of Weapons The university's employees, students, and volunteers, or any visitor or other third party attending a sporting, entertainment, or educational event, or visiting an academic or administrative office building or residence hall, are further prohibited from carrying, maintaining, or storing a firearm or weapon on any university facility, even if the owner has a valid permit, when it is not required by the individual's job, or in accordance with the relevant University Student Life Policies. Any individual who is reported or discovered to possess a firearm or weapon on university property will be asked to remove it immediately. Failure to comply may result in a student judicial referral and/or arrest, an employee disciplinary action and/or arrest, or arrest for trespass and/or violation of the appropriate state criminal statute."

As Ravenwood points out, this is a stricter policy than Virginia state law since it indicates that such firearms are prohibited even if they are in accordance with local and state laws and the gun owner has a valid permit.

Which really goes to the heart of my pretty straightforward critique of both gun and drug laws which is that they, as a rule, don't work. They create an obstacle to a one of many legal paths to owning a firearm and leave open any number of illegal paths to both gun and drug access. Worse, they create a taboo and cultures of folks obsessed with owning and using both, largely because of the prohibition and they're generally immature relationship to such prohibitions.

This killer violated those state, local, and university laws and policies, nevertheless the moral law against murder. That does not daunt those who say that with a new law, we could have prevented it.

There is no law that gun control advocates would consider strict enough after one of these such incidents. And the fact that the gun ownership and the murders, themselves, were illegal never deters those who look for any excuse to legally wish away a problem.

I don't even trust peoples' good intentions on such questions, anymore, because I so rarely find people who will engage in an intellectually honest discussion of whether their means are effective or not. They generally advocate regardless of the consequences. Most people engage in policy discussion without much attention to consequences, I'm learning. It almost makes such discussions fruitless, frankly.

Why do we have any freedoms at all, I wonder, when people will clearly use whatever freedom we afford them to do bad things to one another. Better to remove all that temptation and the freedom that offers it.

That's what more repressive regimes reason, at least. And given the direction of democracies, these days, maybe they have a point.

Maybe we've been going about this whole freedom thing all wrong. Perhaps, given the direction of our international discussions, generally, on such questions, at this point, we have conflict with Iran and North Korea because we envy just how pliant and submissive they have made their society. Perhaps we have come to end of the line when it comes to the expansion of freedom because we just cannot afford, anymore, to believe in our liberal values and virtues. They don't leave us as safe as more repressive regimes like Cuba and Syria. We just can't find the courage to admit that we think they're direction should be our direction.

Because we are too weak to admit just how effective repression really is to solving a cultures problems.

What we need is more of it. And soon, someday, our problems will float away with our rules and impositions.

Someone should pass a law. Come to think of it, I'm sure someone's on it.

Love,
Ben

Monday, April 16, 2007

The greatest tragedy of the early 21st century

I have much to write on that shooting at Virginia Tech, when I get a chance. I've spent a lot of time studying school violence. I work with the most violence-prone and behaviorally difficult students in our school. I think I have some insight into at least the mindset of those who engage in this kind of violence. I'll write about it when I have more time.

In the meantime, after reading another brilliant article by Francis Fukuyama on Iran vs. Britain: Who Blinked, I am struck by what I think is the greatest tragedy of the early 21st century and the consensus that has developed in favor of force and pressure and might to accomplish what we think (and what everyone who has ever used that means believes) is right.

That this logic is exactly the logic that was used by the Soviets, the Nazis, the Fascists, the Baathists, despots world round, terrorist groups and their state sponsors, and revolutionaries of all kinds who impose their ugly regimes on unwilling, at, at times, willing populations.

The logic of governance and power that we are embracing today in the democratic world is exactly the logic that was embraced by the illiberal and anti-democratic world and all of the worst abusers of power and authority in the 20th century.

"We don't go to such extremes," we assure ourselves. "We are the good people," we remind ourselves. "Good people don't use force for bad purposes," we reassure our consciences. "Good people only use force for good purposes. And the road to hell is paved with bad people using force for bad purposes, not good people using force for good purposes."

Lord Acton's aphorism, we persistently assure ourselves, is for other people who really can be corrupted by power. We, on the other hand, could not possibly we corrupted by power. Because we are good people. And the only people corrupted by power are bad people.

And all the while we rationalize the logic of governance and action used by the old Soviet Union, the Nazi regime, the Fascists, the Baathists, Communists in China and North Korea and Cuba, repressive and illiberal regimes in Syria, Pakistan, Zimbabwe, Iran and all the rest, left and right-wing terrorists and radical groups of every generation, including our own, and all of the rest of the most brutal, repressive, and force-centered regimes and groups in the history of humanity.

We look at the liberal advance of civilization along a trend of greater freedom and less brutality and force to resolve problems and we say, "Not too much. We might go too far."

When too far in the more forceful direction is the ugly and long-standing history of humanity and the most evil fact of 20th century history and life.

And this kind of logic is the very kind of logic that leads terrorists and despots and illiberal regimes and thugs around the world to look at decent people and say, "We believe the same things that you do about power. We just have the balls to really use it."

When the truth is that this direction is not a direction of courage.

The direction of courage it towards more liberal values. Jesus, Buddha, King, and Ghandi. None of these men were perfect. And neither were their visions of governance or power, for which none of them had responsibility. But these are the heroes that our civilizations rightly honor, and not men like Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Mussolini and the figures of force that littered the 20th century with death and destruction.

The great irony and tragedy of the early 21st century is that we have decided to pay homage to the despots and mass murderers of the 20th century over the essential goodness of our truer heroes of that same century. We aspire to use the tools of Stalin and Hitler because we are afraid of looking too much like Ghandi and King. We play up the less savory stories and facts of Ghandi's and King's legacies to rationalize why we are so afraid of looking too soft, too decent, too genuine and good.

And it is our fears that pay tribute to the despots. That has always been the case. Even and especially when they ruled. It was peoples' fears that not only led them to submit beyond their control, but to secretly cheer these leaders' willingness to force the world to reckon with their leadership.

The tragedy of the early 21st century is that we say that we love King and Ghandi and Jesus and Buddha. But when push comes to shove, we prefer the cold-hearted force of Stalin and Hitler.

Only then, we reason, will we finally ward off all of our attackers. Only then, we rationalize, will we really be safe. Only then, we hope, will we finally end our vulnerability to the elements and to the world.

Even when the world becomes less safe and not more for our efforts. Even when our goals become harder to accomplish and not easier. Even when our aspirations are not met with results that favor them.

And that is our truest homage to the logic of despotism.

Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

But not me, we all say. Not me. Not us.

Love,
Ben

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Sound and fury signifying nothing

Speech, the lead singer for my favorite rap band and the most positive rap group that I am familiar with, Arrested Development, posted this article by black sports columnist Jason Whitlock on Myspace about Imus. It's some of the more thoughtful and decent things I've read written about the whole Imus affair.

Imus isn't the enemy

I have to say that some of the more thoughtful pieces I've read on Imus' behalf have been written by thoughtful black folks.

The best article I read was by Michael Meyers, the executive director of the New York Civil Rights Coalition and former assistant national director of the NAACP.

Let the Idiocy Be Heard

The truth is that I don't care anymore about self-righteous outrage on anyone's behalf, anymore. It's useless. And accomplishes nothing. The only worthwhile thing that has happened over the course of this whole sordid affair is Imus' apology to the girls on the Rutgers team and their accepting his apology. Everything else is sound and fury signifying nothing.

I suppose enough people will have to be taken down by this period before we face up to that fact and our own ugly hypocrisy and mean-spiritedness and otherwise vice masquerading as virtue.

In the meantime, if I saw Imus, today, I'd offer to buy him a beer and wonder why people can't seem to reconcile themselves to what self-righteous hypocrits they so clearly are and how this whole episode makes that so much more crystal clear than anyone wants to take responsibility for.

You know what the bottom line is to all of this, I think?

It's not that most people are without sin. That's definitely not true. To the contrary, it is that they feel so bad about the sins in their lives, about what shitheads they have been at various points in their lives, about their own mistakes and foolishness and stupidity. And, probably more importantly, they still harbor all kinds of bitterness and pain and cynicism about all the ways they've been wronged by others in their lives. And instead of just forgiving themselves and others for the sins and the mistakes and the bad judgment and the learning involved with all of that, instead they hold onto that bitterness and cynicism like it is a security blanket that will somehow keep them safe from all of the pain. It won't. But they don't feel strong enough to encounter more. None of us do. But we will. And sadly, we will encounter more pain and bitterness the worse we treat ourselves and one another.

When really what we all need is to just be cut some slack and to forgive and to be forgiven more readily. Jesus and Buddha and Ghandi and King didn't say all that stuff just to hear themselves talk or just to prove how much better they were than anyone else and how noone could ever really live up to that example. We're all just too big of dumbasses to see that. They said all that stuff about love and compassion and empathy and forgiveness because it is the only way that we can function best in world where pain and power were all too present in our lives.

And the bottom-line is that we will all live lives of pain and subject to the bullying and aggression of others as long as we rationalize all that pain and aggression as our excuse for why we must bully and hurt others for our own purposes.

None of which touches conscience and thought, which is the basis for any real progress in a culture. In Jesus' time. In Buddha's time. In Ghandi's time. In King's time. In our time. At all times. At every moment in history. And the most serious sign of progress in every historical period has been how much we have left that more brutish, aggressive means of resolving our problems behind us and how much we have given space for genuine conscience and thought to have room to breathe and grow and learn and develop.

Until then, all this bluster is sound and fury signifying nothing.

It is more justification for everything that divides us and polarizes us and keeps us apart.

And we will never been fully reconciled as people until we can search deeper for what we have in common, including our propensity for the not-so-noble, if we ever aspire to strengthen and elaborate and reconcile ourselves with our highest values.

And we will never be able to lay claim to those highest values centered around anything but our most reconciled liberal values. Values that look after everyone. Period. No exception.

Those are the liberal values that really matter most. Imus, Speech, me, you. All of us. Terrorists may have to die as we protect those values, but we must do everything we can to prevent that and to bring them to justice, if we take those values seriously. And our freedom to be less than our most noble selves must not only be taken seriously. It is the only way that we will ever see more clearly that we are without a doubt not being our most noble selves, in this political period. We are not living up to those highest values. Not yet. And the only way forward in that direction is found in the very same forgiveness of Imus that we need ourselves for what shitheads we've been this entire period. Our progeny will have to forgive us to move forward. And we must forgive ourselves and others if we want to move forward as well.

Love,
Ben