Being more honest

It's starting to occur to me, after a somewhat heated conversation with my principal, today, about the often arbitrary work load that administrators forever assign with little accountability to peoples' real capacity to complete it, to the peristent consternation of teachers; as I'm reviewing the progress reports of a colleague and as I reflect on what I've learned about the underbelly of the teaching profession over the last year or so, that what I am and have been throughout this whole crazy first year of teaching that I've had; and as I reflect on a whole busload of issues that have not been resolved in the many, many years before I got here and that I am making patient but persistent efforts to try to resolve.

It's starting to occur to me that Brandi was right. That I am far more honest than most people, is the truth. I care more about actually resolving a problem than I do about looking good and making myself look good.

And it's all that focus on appearance over substance, reinforced and held in place by a means of accountability focussed on hurting people who might honestly acknowledge their foibles and limitations rather than creating space for them to more openly acknowlege them and work to build strengths, all that focus on appearance and reputation and how others might judge you that I've always found so base and meaningless among so many middle class and other class folks.

And the truth is that I just care about all that bullshit so much less than so many people do, because I care far more about the substance of life, of relationships, and of problems, so they can more substantially get resolved rather than constantly swept under the rug.

You know why there's so many elephants in the middle of so many rooms in this godforsaken dysfunctional world?

Because there is so little room to face elephants for fear of being stampeded.

And the truth is that I have lot more courage than most people to face those kinds of issues more honestly and to work, as a consequence, to get more genuine resolution on them.

I am more honest than most people. I face difficult realities because I care more about getting problems solved than I do about keeping things looking pretty, no matter how fucked up the realities may be.

Of all the things that Brandi and I disagreed about, it was the most serious disagreement we likely had. Brandi admired my honesty. But she couldn't quite ever fully pull herself from the desire to look good for others. And I grew up giving two shits about how I looked to people, because people always looked askance at me and my family. It was the best part about growing up poor. Learning to not give two shits about how people look at you.

And I'd take honesty and that kind of much more substantial honest commitment and responsibility over all the appearances and luxuries and less substantial substitutes for that kind of honesty and responsibility any fuckin' day of the fuckin' week.

That was Brandi's most looming weakness, I'm convinced. I think she likely got wrapped up in all of that, though I really don't have any way of knowing since I don't know anything about her life, these days.

The sad thing, to the extent to which that is true, is that it was Brandi's substance that made her so great.

And I'd take that kind of substance over all the bullshit in the world that people fawn over any fuckin' day of the fuckin' week.

And the lack of commitment to that kind of honesty and honest commitment is why the world is such a fuckin' mess.

Love,
Ben