Ala's school discipline and higher education forums:):):)...and Bigandmean's girly liberals forum:):):)...Part Deux:):):)...

A MUCH BETTER VERSION of this post is on my other blog:):):)...

Building a Better World:):):)...Original Flavor:):):)

WITH LINKS to Ala's and Bigandmean's (and Jen's) blogs:):):)...

Which I will post, again, here:):):)...

Blonde Sagacity:):):)...the random thoughts of an old-school conservative with a porn star twist:):):)...

~relatively unbalanced~:):):)...Bigandmean's and Jen's very sweet, very funny daddy/daughter blog:):):)...

Enjoy, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Ala's school discipline and higher education forums...and Bigandmeans' girlie liberal forum:):):):):):)...

For whatever reasons:):):)...

My comments for Ala and Bigandmean on their Blogspot blogs have not

been going through:):):)...

So...I'm reproducing them here since I thought we were having some

pretty decent discussions that I wanted to continue but wasn't able to

on in their comments' sections:):):)...

First...my response to Ala's most recent response in her school

discipline forum:):):)...

"Ala:)...

You're right:)...there are A MILLION great teaching movies to inspire

efforts to improve schools:):):)...

And the ONE thing that ALL of those movies have in common, without

having to parse out of the particular situations that schools face is

that teachers who build good RELATIONSHIPS with students are far more

likely to make a difference than teachers who are either unengaged,

discouraged, or who treat students like the enemy rather than as those

they are responsible for caring for...

Let's start with the movies, Ala...and then we'll move to where this

conversation needs to move...to the most engaged THINKING about schools

in universities and elsewhere:):):)...

I LOVED Stand By Me:):):):):):)...still do:):):):):):)...

And much of this movie was kind of candy, really:):):)...

Stand and Deliver, on the other hand, was a TERRIFIC movie about a

teacher who, BY AND LARGE, built strong relationships with his students

rather than bullying them...Jaime Escalante stood up to bullies...but

he did not bully them like principal (I'm forgetting his name, right

now...Joe...something:):):) in Stand By Me:):):)...

And remember, Ala...the superintendent in Stand By Me STANDS UP to Joe,

the principal -- Morgan Freeman's character -- FOR EXACTLY THAT

REASON...

As Ben Guillaume's character says in the movie, "Because contrary to

the conventional wisdom around here, I AM THE HEAD NIGGA IN CHARGE

around here"...

Meaning that not even Stand By Me romanticizing Joe's bullying as much

as your post might suggest...and even that movie romanticizes it too

much...

Stand and Deliver, on the other hand, romanticizes such nonsense almost

NOT AT ALL, as much as it is critical of the mindsets of teachers in

neighborhoods like their's where teachers assume that kids cannnot

achieve and create self-fulfilling prophecies...

The REAL POINT, Ala, is that there has always been and ALWAYS will be

plenty of "blame" to go around for who is responsible for failing

schools and failing in schools...

But the most constructive approaches to improving schools need to come

from OUR BEST efforts to think through alternatives to improve school

situations...

Many of these -- like school choice, vouchers, charter schools, etc. --

come from conservatives like Terry Moe and Chester Finn (though I love

Chester's work on charter schools, I'm not a big fan, AT ALL, of his

poorly-conceived ideas about school discipline...he wants to pattern

American life and American schools on SINGAPORE for God's sakes...I

say, Chester, you want to live in Singapore...go live there, you

ungrateful fuck...and leave the freedom of America to stay in

America)...

And many of them come from liberals --
like all Rich Simpson and Tom Skrtic -- and their ideas on least

restrictive environment and schools taking responsibilty for their own

too restrictive practices and the ways that this creates many problems

that they might otherwise ignore...

There are GREAT THINKERS ALL OVER THE IDEOLOGICAL SPECTRUM...

But the thinking is what we are FAR TOO BEREFT of in public school

discussions...as well as enough opportunities for parents and teachers

and students and others to get involved in such discussions to improve

schools...

It's crazy to me, Ala, how so many conservatives can embrace "tough

love" approaches and not see that all those liberal professors who

graded them down for expressing different ideas were also engaged in

"tough love" as much as anything that conservatives or anyone might

engage in with kids or liberals:):):):):):)...

The truth is, Ala, that we are ALL a bunch of bullies...looking to

limit discussion that we don't like...with one another...with

kids...with other parents...with teachers...with just about everyone...

Because we're all so GODDAMNED SURE that we know what's best...

It's self-righteous...and it's bullshit...and a more engaged discussion

of ALL of the complex issues in schools is the best antidote, I

think:):):):):):)...

I'll write more, later, Ala:):):)...

Talk with you later:):):):):):)...

Ben"...

...next...my comments for Ala on her higher education forum:):):)...

"Ala:):):)...what a crazy picture, huh?:):):):):):)...

Not the picture you want to show or see on the campus tour, huh, as

you're checking out those dumpy little dorm rooms?:):):):):):)...

No offense, y'all...but I think most people here are missing the

point...

Professors...teachers...administrators...none of

them...left...right...far left...far

right...libertarian...anarchist...socialist...theocratic (I'm quite

surprised that folks are not as outraged about a lot of the bullshit

that pretends to be a genuine pursuit or knowledge that shows up in

religious colleges and universities)...

None of these folks are perfect...

And the WHOLE POINT of democracy -- especially for a more authentic

democracy -- is that it accounts for the fact that people are

imperfect...the unique thing about democracy is that it openly

acknowledges that it is far from ideal and all of the discussion and

debate that takes place within it is far from ideal...always seeking

and searching out better and better ideals...that's the nature of free

and engaged thought and expression...

Meaning...that EVERYONE has to stop being such whining little pusses...

And start writing good papers and making good arguments and engaging in

good discussions NO MATTER WHO your professor is...

Because I GUARANTEE that -- as a general rule -- you will have FAR MORE

FREEDOM to do so in UNIVERSITIES than you will in almost every other

area of life...business, included...but much more than institutions

like, say, the military or law enforcement, where heterodoxy is treated

with MUCH less respect, in my study and experience, than in

universities...

So, contrary to the little dark fantasies of less capable folks like

David Horowitz (whether he was a radical liberal or a radical

conservative) is not to CENSOR the views of liberal or conservative or

WHATEVER professors we might have...

It's to stop whining, for goodness sakes...and start engaging the

discussion with MORE INTELLIGENT ARGUMENTS, if you got them...

And whoever said that universities are not the same as they were in the

old days are RIGHT...

They are FAR MORE OPEN:):):):):):):)...FAR MORE

EGALITARIAN:):):):):):)...FAR MORE READILY and FINANCIALLY within reach

of FAR MORE PEOPLE:):):):):):)...there are FAR MORE AMERICANS who go to

college today than any other time in American or probably humanity's

history:):):):):):)...which has EVERYTHING to do with the EXTRAORDINARY

efforts of all of those liberal, conservative, radical, anarchist,

libertarian, unaffiliated, and otherwise bright folks who teach and

work in universities...

The fact is that everyone who has been to a university needs to be a

hell of a lot more GRATEFUL that those folks helped create as many

opportunities for them that they did...

And if you want SMARTER ARGUMENTS to be taken more seriously in

universities...

Then START MAKING THEM...

And STOP WHINING...

It's unbecoming:):):):):):)...

In my experience...though I've dealt with FAR MORE than my fair share

of liberal, conservative, radical, religious, anarchist, libertarian

and other professors giving more hell than was good for my education...

Most if not ALL of these people...will...as a general rule...listen to

GOOD ARGUMENTS BETTER than almost anyone else in the

culture:):):):):):)...

Universities don't have the reputation of having the smartest folks

among them for no reason at all, for goodness sakes:):):)...

A bit of conventional wisdom that I'm surprised that this forum engages

in so much CONSPIRACY THEORY to ignore:):):):):):)...

(Nonsense conspiracy comes from ALL DIRECTIONS, folks:):):):):):)...not

just from the left:):):):):):)...

Universities have that reputation...

Because they, generally, ARE the places where the SMARTEST PEOPLE hang

out...and teach...and get hired:):):):):):)...

And Lefty is right:):):):):):)...

If you want to change them...I suggest you study up...and become a part

of one:):):):):):)...

Or study up...and become a part of one of the HUNDREDS of think tanks

that CRITIQUE them:):):):):):) (fairly

and...often...not-so-fairly:):):):):):)...

But the thing that the right is FAR OVERREACHING itself on these days

is in the terribly deceptive and awfully-conceived effort by folks like

David Horowitz to CENSOR people they disagree with (and it becomes

clearer the more you read and listen to David that what he means is to

censor the LEFT, not the right, as he DEFENDS -- rightly -- Larry

Summers -- against efforts to impose political correctness from the

left...and DEFENDS -- WRONGLY -- efforts to impose political

correctness on folks like Ward Churchill or this professor that Ala

features, from the right...

What EVERYONE needs to learn how to do is to BE A GROWN-UP, write GOOD

PAPERS...make GOOD ARGUMENTS...and STOP THE WHINING, for god's sakes...

I thought the point of the best of conservatism was to LEAVE BEHIND THE

LEGACY OF VICTIMHOOD...NOT EMBRACE IT AS CONSERVATIVES' OWN CAUSE, for

goodness sakes...

Really...y'all...

Victimhood looks unattractive on liberals...and it looks EQUALLY

unattractive on conservatives:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

The secret to improving Universities...always...perpetually...

Is really no secret at all:):):):):):)...

In fact, it is the MOST OPEN SECRET in the culture, all taken

together:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

It is to think...

To think more...

To think better...

And to subject your thoughts to the criticisms and constructive

suggestions of everyone...

Including and ESPECIALLY people you disagree with:):):):):):)...

Which means all of those KOOKY, CONSPIRACY-SPEWING, liberal AND

conservative professors that you or I might run across in a university

setting:):):):):):)...

And even they -- in my experience -- will tend to treat you

fairly...roughly speaking...if you have good ideas:):):):):):)...

So bone on the studying, folks...because a culture cannot sustain

itself on WHINING, I guarantee you:):):):):):)...

It can only sustain itself on GOOD IDEAS:):):):):)...and if you got

em'...offer 'em up:):):)...

And if they're good:):):):):):)...

I GUARANTEE:):):):):):)...THEY WILL STICK:):):):):):):):):)...

Because THAT...by definition...is what a GOOD IDEA

is:):):):):):):):):)...

It is an idea that gets picked up:):):):):):)...because it is just TOO

GOOD TO PASS UP:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben"...

...and...finally...my post to Bigandmean's roughly paraphrased

question, "How do you stay so open-minded in a liberal university

town?":):):):):):) (Bigandmean is a conservative law professor who I

PRESUME does NOT live in a liberal university town:):):):):):)...

"It's a great question, bigandmean:):):):):):)...

I ask myself that question ALL THE

TIME:):):):):):):):):):):):)LOL:):):):):):):):)...

My undergrad experience was in my home town of Wichita, Kansas at

Wichita State University...which is a much more open university to

conservative ideas...MANY of my professors were conservatives and

Republicans...and I was more of libertarian, really, going into college

from high school...I read and argued with my liberal professors about

authors like Ayn Rand, and Nathaniel Branden, and Murray Rothbard, and

ALAN GREENSPAN:):):) (did you know that Alan was an Objectivist and

SERIOUS libertarian, back in the day?:):):):):):)...that was the FIRST

encounter I had with the name, Alan Greenspan:):):):):):)...on the

cover of an objectivist newsletter way back in my last years of high

school researching for debate rounds at the nearby university

library:):):):):):)...

WSU was also MUCH MORE involved with the business community in Wichita

than the University of Kansas is, here in Lawrence, I think...MANY, of

the business owners in Lawrence are KU grads...but...in Wichita...not

only were many of the folks Wichita State grads...but the university

made a proactive effort to connect the university with the local

business community...

A MUCH DIFFERENT OUTLOOK than a liberal university town campus

perspective:):):):):):)...

So when conservatives criticize liberals as not being REALLY in favor

of diversity -- meaning ideological diversity:):):) -- I know EXACTLY

what they mean:):):):):):)...

I had ONE HELL of a time in grad school trying to voice conservative,

libertarian, Christian, and religious viewpoints in a radical/liberal

graduate program dominated by two radical Ph.D.'s/professors who showed

FAR TOO LITTLE tolerance for viewpoints different from their own...

But it was good getting all of the experiences...the good ones and the

bad ones...

I call myself a liberal because of my deepened theological perspective,

lately...

Meaning...I grew up and was a youth leader in a little liberal church

in Wichita, Kansas called Unity Church...which was, generally, a REALLY

WONDERFUL spiritual/religious experience for me:):):)...

And...fundamentally...for me...this meant living a life of authentic

love and compassion and understanding for all people...no matter

what...just like Christs' example...

This doesn't mean you let people murder you, of course...that you don't

take terrorists seriously...or murder seriously...or crime...or

violence...or whatever...

It just means that -- as Bobby Kennedy spoke about after the

assassination of Martin Luther King --that you reach past your pain to

find compassion and understanding that helps to better deal with these

and other serious problems in a society and a community:):):)...

And I do that to the best of my ability every day of my

life:):):):):):)...

Desult has counciled me on keeping these posts shorter,

Bigandmean:):):):):):)...so I'll do that now and we can talk more

later:):):):):):)...

Talk soon:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben"

Thanks...Ala and Bigandmean...for offering such great forums to discuss

important stuff:):):):):):)...

And thanks to everyone else for being patient with the little

technological snafu that we encountered, here;):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Listening to country music...hanging out with the person who supports me best:)...ME:):):)...

Maybe the reason I've been listening to so much country music, lately, is because it reminds me of the period of my life where there was someone around when I most needed them who supported me better than anyone else:):):):):):)...

Me:):):):):):)...

When Jenny and I broke up when I was a senior in college, I was a lost little puppy...I had several groups of friends...but...you know the routine...when you break up with someone, your friends can, often, be kind of dicks about it:):):)...noone wants to hear about it very long:):):)...or at least not as long as you need to be heard on it:):):)...

That is...all of my friends...except one:):):)...

Brandi:):):)...

...which is EXACTLY why I -- eventually...not right off:) -- fell MADLY in love with her:):):):):):)...

...because she supported me better than any friend I had ever had:):):):):):)...

...and that's what love really is, I think:):):):):):)...

...and I am proud to say, today, that the person that supported me best through my last break-up and who I can depend on for the rest of my life -- including times like these when I'm feeling a little more distrustful of all my friends than hanging out with Rascal Flats and the Dixie Chicks:)...and U2:):):)...and Toby Keith:):):)...and Darryl Worley:):):)...and Diamond Rio:):):)...and a lot of good movies:):):)...and Melissa, of course, since we talk every day:):):)...living together will do that:):):)...

...and...right now:):):)...The Scissor Sisters:):):):):):)...

...I am proud to say that the person that supported me best during that time and who I can still count on best to be supportive when I need it, rather than bitchy or taking their shit out on me:)...

Is me:):):):):):)...

And that's who I plan to hang out with until I feel like I can trust that when the turtle sticks his head out from his shell, that the monkeys are not going to throw their shit at him:):):):):):)...

I know...a crude analogy:):):):):):)...but one that works, I think:):):):):):)...

I love the Scissor Sisters, by the way:):):):):):)...even if they're not Rascal Flats:):):):):):)...or Diamond Rio:):):):):):)...

Last night I realized that I think the most important virtue for ANYONE to have is not to be good, in any particular way...or perfect (which is impossible and an illusion and a dangerous and self-righteous illusion at that:):):):):):)...

The MOST IMPORTANT VIRTUE CAN HAVE, I think, is TO THINK FOR THEMSELVES:):):):):):)...to make up their own minds:):):)...independence of thought:):):):):):):)...

And it is the ONE VIRTUE that we spend MORE TIME UNDERMINING than any other...

Because people who don't respect it enough do too much running of shit around these parts...

Planet Earth, that is:):):):):):)...

It is the ONE VIRTUE that is more important than any other...and which is taken for granted more than any other, I think...

Sadly...for all of our sakes...

That will changing soon enough...I'm confident...

But in the meantime...it's a big pain in the ass to have people lord over me/you with threats of all kinds if I think too much for myself or express myself too honestly that I can hardly stand it sometimes...

People need to stop being such FRAGILE LITTLE BITCHES and to to give all us...everyone...more room to live...and grow...and learn...and make mistakes...

And those who do, will live better lives...

Guaranteed...

Societies which do so, now, have individuals and groups of folks who are, by and large, FAR HAPPIER and live lives of FAR HIGHER QUALITY than those who don't...

And for whatever stupid, dumbass, foolish reasons...

So many of them are working BACKWARDS along this principle and simultaneously FORWARDS (where forward looking, freedom-loving people assert their need for freedom) for their own sakes...

And my society is no exception...unfortunately...and it tires me the fuck out...

Talk with everyone later:)....

Love,
Ben

Thank god for great country music...the next generation:):):)...

...a better version of the post below can be found at my other blog:

Building a Better World...Original Flavor:):):)

...oh:):):)...and don't forget to download/play some of the music while you read to get the FULL EXPERIENCE:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Thank god for great country music:):):):):):)...

Top of the World:)...Dixie Chicks:):):)...

Beautiful Mess:):):)...Diamond Rio:):):)...

These Days:):):)...Rascal Flats:):):)...

I Miss My Friend:):):)...Darryl Worley:):):)...

A Home:):):)...Dixie Chicks:):):)...

Long Black Train:):):)...Josh Turner:):):)...

Godspeed:):):)...Dixie Chicks:):):)...

American Soldier:):):)...Toby Keith:):):)...

More Love:):):)...Dixie Chicks:):):)...

I've watched the video for Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend three times, this morning...

And I've balled twice...

I miss my friend:(...

When Brandi and I broke up almost 4 years ago, now (we broke up the first August of 2001...about a month before 9/11)...it was temporary...

It took 6 months for Brandi to figure out that she wanted to make it permanent...

And...so...in the spring and summer of 2002...I fell in love with root beer and country music:):):)...

With songs like I Miss My Friend...by Darryl Worley:):):)...These Days...by Rascal Flats:):):)...Beautiful Mess...by Diamond Rio:):):)...

...and later:)...

The entire Home album put out by the Dixie Chicks...the one that got them in so much trouble:):):)...and one of the most beautiful albums, period, I've ever heard...and definitely the best country album I've ever heard in my life...

Songs like More Love...A Home...Top of the World...Traveling Soldier...Godspeed...Tortured, Tangled Hearts...White Trash Wedding:):)...I Believe in Love...Truth No. 2...Long Time Gone:)...the Chicks' AWESOME cover of Landslide:):):)...Little Jack Slade:):)...

It's an INCREDIBLE album...beautiful...smart...compassionate...loving...funny:):):):):):)...

And uniquely the Chicks:):):):):):)...

I repeat:):):)...it is one of THE BEST ALBUMS I've ever heard, period:)...but it is definitely the best country album I've ever heard in my life:):):)...

Has anyone ever heard any of these songs?:):):)...Am I the only country music geek among us?:):):)...

I hope not:):):)...because these songs are BEAUTIFUL:):):)...and should be appreciated by everyone, I think:):):):):):)...

These songs are so authentic:):):)...these really beautiful reflections on relationships gone awry:):):)...for grown-ups who know that they have to pick themselves up and move on to new loves and new dreams:):):)...

The best that country music has to offer, I think:):):)...no matter how many people say that they like old country better than new
country:):):)...

It's pretty clear to me that the life in country music is derived from wonderful, new, progressive country music bands like these:):):)...

These Days is this GORGEOUS song about a couple running into one another after having broke up years earlier:):):)...

"Hey, baby...is that you?...wow, you're hair got so long:)...yeah, yeah, I love it...I really do":):):)...

"Norma Jean, ain't that the song we'd sing in the car, driving downtown, top down, making the rounds, checking out the bands on Dulhemy Avenue"...

"Yeah...life throws you curves"...

"But you learn to swerve"...

"Me...I swung and missed...and the next thing you know...I'm reminiscing...dreaming old dreams...wishing old wishes...like you would be back again"...

"I wake up...and teardrops...they fall down like rain"...

"I put on that old song we danced to and then"...

"I head off to my job...guess not much has changed":):):)...

"Punch the clock...head for home...check the phone...just in case...go to bed...dream of you"...

"Yeah...that's what I'm doing these days"...

"Yeah that's what I'm doing":):):):):):)...

AMAZING song:):):):):):)...I must have listened to that song a hundred times after Brandi and I broke up:):):)...

I listened to a lot of country music after Brandi and I broke up:):):)...sat in the driveway...drank root beer:):):)...

I did have one night of whiskey and Darryl's "I Miss my Friend":):):)...another GREAT country song:):):)...

And "The Good Stuff":):):)...by Kenny Chesney:):):):):):)...

A lot of REALLY GREAT love stories that got played a lot (I'm not sure when they came out since my following of country music is only very recent:):):) about the time when Brandi and I broke up:):):)...just post 9/11 (Brandi and I broke up in August of 2001, just a month before 9/11:):):)...

And...then...just like every other area of music and
entertainment:):):)...

With the exception of the Dixie Chicks' AWESOME album, post 9/11, Home...from which Top of the World came:):):)...

I later learned to love Toby Keith and Josh Turner and more conservative country singers:):):)...I would sing American Soldier at the top of my lungs in my car when it first came out:):):)...and Josh Turner's Long Black Train was some comfort and a healthy antidote to the slight mean streak I could feel coming on when I was out of work, after Community Living Opportunities (I just want to go on record to say that I have been fired twice...and both times -- 100% -- the folks who fired me were soon fired afterwards...which was little comfort to me while I slept in my car in Milwaukee, scared to death of where I was going to sleep, eat, work, etc)...

And only very recently did I find Leann Rhimes' GORGEOUS version of Amazing Grace:):):)...

But, recently, the creative juices in country music just didn't seem to flow so easily:):):)...Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" is beautiful:):):)...but his "Drugs or Jesus" is just one of the shittiest country music songs I've ever heard in my entire life:):):):):):)...

And just not a lot of songs like these really beautiful love songs that seemed to be playing more in 2001 and 2002:):):)...

I was just having this conversation with my friend, Angela, last night:):):)...

The Academy Awards, I think, have just been much shittier in the last few years (as has mainstream cinema, as well, I think, relative to some recent past years -- like 1993 and 1994, when the Unforgiven and Schindler's List won Best Picture awards) for whatever reasons:):):)...

I mean...Lord of the Rings was good...but Best Picture of 2004?...I don't think so...Lost in Translation was nominated that year...and there were at least 10 and as many as 20 movies I named for Angela that I thought should have been nominated and/or won over Lord of the Rings:)...

The Cooler?...Monster?...Girl with the Pearl Earring?...

I have my normal beefs with the Oscars...not nominating Glengarry Glenn Ross for Best Picture or the rest of that cast other than Al Pacino for Best Supporting Actor in 1993...or Denzel Washington in Malcolm X losing to Al Pacino in Scent of a Woman that year for Best Actor the same year ...Al DESERVED Best Supporting Actor, for Glenngarry Glenn Ross:):)...but Denzel deserved the Best Actor award, and was robbed, I believe:):):)...

But my problem with the Academy runs deeper the last couple of years...

The movie selection, generally, just hasn't been as good these last couple of years:):):)...

...and then the Academy's just been making these really poor choices, lately, I think:):):)...

Like Rene Zelwigger for Best Supporting Actress in 2004 for Cold Mountain, a TERRIBLE movie, that she tries to save like a sinking ship...when there were 20 actresses, at least, who did better jobs with good scripts and deserved that award:):):)...that pick was THE BIGGEST EMBARRASSMENT in recent and maybe all-time Oscar history, I think:):):):):):)...

...or Lord of the Rings for Best Picture in the same year when Lost in Translation is nominated:):):)...and when a ton of other movies...

...Monster...House of Sand and Fog...The Cooler...In America...Finding Nemo...the Barbarian Invasions...The Girl with the Pearl Earring...even
American Splendor...are all probably better movies:):):)...

I think my favorite, that year, amongst all of those (there are still a couple like Seabiscuit or Master and Commander: The Farther Side of the World that I still have not seen or, as in the case of Seabiscuit, which I've only seen in part) was Monster...which didn't get nominated...but deserved it more than Seabiscuit, I can tell just from what I'm seen of that cheesy little flick:):):)...and certainly more than the cold, dark, helpless landscape painted in Mystic River...

...and Monster is a fairly decent-sized budget movie...with two stars, Charleze Theron, who was BRILLIANT and TOTALLY deserved the Best Actress Award, and Christina Ricci, who WAY deserved that Best Supporting Actress Award far more than fuckin' Rene Zelwigger for Cold Mountain...

The Oscars and the movie world, generally...and the music world (U2, in particular)...and the entertainment, world, generally, I think...they've all just not been putting out their best stuff in the last couple of years...

And it's just kind of disappointing when you compare it with really great stuff from earlier periods:):):):):):)...

A lot of it I think is money...people rationalizing and compromising quality with profits...I think that explains the Lord of the Rings pick for Best Picture in 2004, which was DEFINITELY NOT the best picture of 2004:):):)...

And a lot of it, I think, may be politics...war and uncertainty...a conservative push that was scaring a lot of the liberals, in particular, in Hollywood, that the Appocalypse was near:):):):):):)...

And...I don't know what...exactly:):):)...

I just know that a lot of the best movies and performances were/are not getting recognized:):)...and a lot of shittier movies/performances ARE when they don't deserve it, as much:):):)...

I'm sure the Academy will sort through it, over time:):):)...

But it's just sad and frustrating to watch it happen in the meantime, as people rationalize why they don't do GREAT WORK:):):)...and why they, far too often, do a lot of SHITTY WORK:):):):):):)...

But it's great work, in the end, that really innovates in the field:):):)...

50 years from now...very few people will remember Under Siege:):):):):):)...one of the candy movies that made big bucks in 1993:):):)...or Stephen Segal, probably:):):):):):)...

I mean...we all will:):):)...

But not like Stephen Spielberg:):):)...and Schindler's List:):):)...which won Best Picture -- rightly -- that year:):):):):)...

Spielberg makes a lot of silly candy movies:):):)...But he will, ultimately, be remembered for his greatest movies:):):):):):)...

Two of which, I think, are two of the greatest movies, if not THE TWO GREATEST MOVIES OF ALL TIME:):):)...

Schindler's List...and Saving Private Ryan (I can't decide, any more, which I like better:):):):):):)...they're both AMAZING:):):):):):)...

But no movies like those last year...or the last couple of years...

I haven't seen Million Dollar Baby or Ray, yet...so I'm probably speaking too soon on this one:):):):):):)...

Because I'm really looking forward to seeing both of them:):):)...

I hope this is all just a blip on the America's and the world's cultural screen:):):)...because we need the life that great music and movies and TV and journalism and media and culture, otherwise, breathes into our lives and into the culture...

For all of his whining...

Does David Horowitz...or Newt Gingrich...or Jerry Falwell...or Pat Robertson...or other pushers of the culture war, feeding America's addiction to blame someone else for the sorry state of our lives...

Do these folks really believe that the culture could really sustain itself on their culture war or their ideas or their words or voices, alone...or primarily?...

The truth is that I doubt these folks have thought VERY MUCH AT ALL ABOUT ANYTHING except for THEIR HATE OF LIBERALS...and just about everyone else, as well, I would bet...

What piss poor culture it would be if the growth of the culture was based on the whims or the permission of folks like David Horowitz:):):)...or Jerry Falwell:):):)...or Pat Robertson:):):)...or Newt Gingrich:):):)...

...or as it already is, far too much, on the whims of my Senator from Kansas, Sam Brownback, as his modern day crusades from the FCC:):):):):):)...

What does it say about the future of the Republican party, by the way, that the only two people flirting with running for office amongst Republicans and conservatives, right now, are Sam Brownback and Newt
Gingrich?:):):):):):):):):)...

That's like a Democratic race between Al Sharpton and Dennis Kucinich:):):):):):):):):):)...

What a shitty race that would be:):):):):):):):)...and then you get a fairer idea of what a shitty selection Republicans have in front of them, right now:):):):):):)...

I think I'd rather elect Mandy Moore -- who I'm listening to right now and who's about as candy as red licorice, though her most recent
performance in Saved -- which I have not seen but am DYING to see:):):) -- looks like a nice break from that old typecast:):):):):):)...

...or the Five Blind Boys from Alabama:):):):):):)...

...at least we might get some authentic soul into Congress:):):)...

...instead of all the same old power-wrangling that tries to play itself off as more honest soul-searching:):):):):):)....

In the meantime...

I have a message for conservatives still engaged in the culture war:):):):):):)...

YOUR CULTURE WAR IS GETTING IN THE WAY OF MY/OUR CULTURE:):):):):):)...

You need to take a seat and find a place within it...rather than trying to control or hurt or limit it:):):):):):)...it's doesn't need your control or regulation, thank you:):):):):):)...

It needs room to grow and live and breathe...and create:):):)...

Including...and especially:):):)...

Room to criticize what sons-a-bitches you are for trying to herd something that, fundamentally, needs to be out from under your thumb:):):):):):)...

Because I'm tired of shitty "Drugs or Jesus" songs from Mr. McGraw:):):):):):)...

I want great music, again:):):)...

And I want new stuff all over the airways:):):)...

Not having the find old stuff from a downloading service because new stuff gets squeezed by an unforgiving, ugly, nasty inversion of everything that authentic religion and spirituality does or should stand for:):):):):):)...by this stupid little culture war, that needs to take a break, pick up a book (preferably one by someone whom you DON'T AGREE WITH:):):):):):)...

...and LEARN SOMETHING ALREADY:):):):):):)...

In the meantime:):):)...

I've got my Chicks:):):)...and my Rascal Flats:):):)...and my Diamond Rio:):):)...and Darryl Worley:):):)...and even Josh Turner and Toby Keith:):):):):):)...

And I need them during times like now when...

...when I miss my friend...

It took an awful lot for me to open up my heart after Brandi and I broke up...

I think Brandi and most of my friends just totally take that for granted, really...

But Brandi, especially...

I'm so thankful to have these songs:):):)...

...to help me let it all out...and all of the love in:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Baby steps:):):):):):)...

I don't know what's been happening recently...I'm trying to figure it out...

But I haven't been trusting people a lot, lately...

I trust myself...

But I've just had some people REALLY FUCK with me, lately...at work...among my friends...suprisingly not among family, lately:):):)...but some of my closest friends in the world, lately...

And it's been really fucking with me...

With some it's been distance...

With others it's been bullying...

At work it's definitely been bullying (one girl in particular...even as my immediate team seems to be gelling better, lately:)...

I don't know what people think that they can sustain relationships through bullying...

Or why they don't take seriously that there's a problem when they're being distant...

They just do...

I take my relationships seriously...so I take very seriously when these things happen...

It's a sign of problems...that need resolution...and none of the more foolish ways of handling those problems will sustain themselve, any more...

And something else has to be developed...

A lot of the things that make relationships work, I think, are pretty straightforward...love...being assertive without being aggressive or exclusive...talking through problems as they come up...being emotionally and socially open so you can know what's going on with folks as they are happening...and so they can know what's going on with you:)...being open to others without sacraficing yourself...taking on the challenges of relationships, even when they seem painful and difficult...

One of the major problems that I've had in my relationships, lately, is that I have a lot of folks in my life who do their best to avoid the really difficult stuff...

Not my style...

I confront problems, head-on, as much as possible...

Unless I just don't have the energy to take them on in the moment:):):)...and then I'm just waiting until I do:):):)...

And then I want to take those problems on with as much honesty and openness and love and authentic feeling and thinking and relating as possible:)...

But an AWFUL LOT OF PEOPLE, I'm learning, both avoid this kind of open relationship...and, subsequently, they aren't as experienced at handling it, perhaps...

I don't know...I'm not trying to be "the expert"...just trying to understand what's going on right now:)...

Maybe that's what it is...maybe folks are just stumbling through some difficult issues and I just need to be more supportive while also being on the look-out for back-sliding, where folks want to bully their way through problems rather than deal with them assertively but honestly and sensitively...

If anyone hasn't figured it out, yet...I am not an easy person to bully, AT ALL:):):)...in fact I'm probably more aware of ways to work around it than most folks I know:):):)...and am better at identifying it, much of the time, I think, than a lot of folks who want to rationalize it and the rest of their bullshit rather than being responsible for it:):):)...

Me...I know that bullies -- like all people -- only respect strength:):):)...so that's what I offer, as much as possible:):):)...

Authentic strength:):):)...

...the kind that doesn't have to bully to address issues:):):)...

Bullies, as the old cliche goes, are just scared little bitches:):):)...bullying is a resort of the weak to deal with their fears of an unpredictable, complicated world:):):)...

But bullying only creates MORE problems:):):)...it doesn't resolve the original problems:):):)...

And the best evidence of that is the PERSISTENCE of the very problems that bullies often want to rationalize as the indication of the need for their presence:):):):):):)...

Because the thing that kind of sucks about bullies is that they NEVER WANT TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR BULLSHIT:):):):):):)...they're self-righteous by nature:):):)...because self-righteousness is a common reaction to the fear that one doesn't know what the hell one is doing:):):):):):)...

You see it all the time:):):)...those who have no clue what they're doing generally scream the loudest that they do know:):):)...

Fred Phelps:):):)...Osama Bin Laden:):):)...Eric Rudolph:):):)...Black Panthers:):):)...Al Sharpton:):):)...David Horowitz:):):)...Andrea Dworkin:):):)...Noam Chomsky:):):)...Terry Randall:):):)...

And the truth is that the more you're shrilling asserting that you know EXACTLY how the world is, the less you're open to learning and understanding and growing:):):)...the less open you are...the more self-righteous you are:):):)...the less you learn:):):)...

A sure sign of someone who shouldn't be trusted with someone's faith:):):):):):)...

I don't know exactly what's going on lately...if folks are just having a hard time facing that about themselves...or if they're just being shitheads...or I don't know what:):):)...

I just know people have been acting really wierd, lately:):):)...so many of my liberal friends have been acting more self-righteous and angry and proud...sometimes this is great:):):)...being proud of being a liberal:):):)...

I have to say that it's great living in a liberal city in the middle of conservative Kansas that just voted to ban marriages amongst my gay friends and being around a lot of folks who all think and voted (Douglas County voted very differently than the rest of Kansas on this matter...and on many matters, for that matter:):):) that a ban on gay marriage is a giant load of shit:):):)...and everyone feeling solace in the fact that though this battle was lost, that it will eventually be won...because you know that you're on the right side of the question:):):)...

But something else less constructive is going on as well, I think:)...my conservative friends are sometimes being more authentically open to liberal ideas -- which I LOVE and think is REALLY GREAT...especially when it involves being open to really good liberal ideas:):):) (bad liberal ideas can and should be left behind just like bad conservative ideas or bad Marxist ideas or bad libertarian ideas or bad anarchist ideas or bad radical/socialist ideas or bad theocratic ideas or whatever:):):):):):)...

But then...other times...my conservative friends are acting like they're just waiting for liberals to start beating them over the head with liberal orthodoxy...too quick to compromise, even when the compromise is not what they authentically think or when it's just not good for them or anyone else, for that matter:):):)...

Like the tide is turning, in some ways, and that liberals are getting ready to take advantage of their new influence...and conservatives are just waiting to get beaten over the head with it...

This is not a good state of affairs...and doesn't deal well enough, I don't think, with the authentic issues that need to get resolved...either politically...or between us as in our personal relationships...

Compromise...as Stephen J. Covey of the Seven Principles of Highly Effective People fame states, accurately, I think...is a lower trust way of resolving a problem...

It doesn't build the kind of trust that needs to happen in a relationship that really supports growth:):):)...

It breaks down because it's not authentic:):):)...

Or as all the young people are saying these days:):):)...

Compromise means that you're not "keeping it real":):):)...

And...as much as possible in our relationships -- political, personal, or otherwise -- we need to be "keeping it real":):):)...

That's why, fundamentally, a gay marriage ban is such a BAD IDEA, in addition to the fact that insults my gay friends, for good reason...

It insults my gay friends because it tells them to go back in the closet...or that you can be out of the closet...just don't expect that your bedroom will ever been seen as "as good" as my bedroom...because it won't, so this line of reasoning goes...I'm better than you and there's nothing you can do about it except for stop being such a fag and sleeping with people of your own sex...

It's bullshit, is what it is...and it asks gay folks to live bullshit lives that are not them...it tells them to stop being what they are so that heterosexual folks and conservative Christian folks don't have to deal with the fact that their difference does not constitute a threat to their own marriages...

That the problems in heterosexual Christian marriages are THEIR OWN RESPONSIBILITY...and not ones that will be resolved by ganging up on some minority group who can deflect attention away from those problems, temporarily, while they quietly freak out that they have NO CLUE how to deal with a lot of the complicated problems in their own relationships -- with spouses...with kids...with immediate and extended family -- and that they are constantly afraid that they will fall apart, as a consequence:):):)...

I have learned -- no offense to a lot of my conservative friends -- but that AN AWFUL LOT of my conservative and conservative Christian friends spend a lot of time LECTURING others about taking responsibility and FAILING to and AVOIDING taking responsibility in their own lives:):):)...

As this REALLY GREAT political cartoon in the Lawrence Journal World, this morning, parodies:):):)...

Tom Delay spends the early part of his day lecturing judges that he is going to hold them accountable in Congress:):):)...and then the greatest proportion of his day trying to AVOID responsibility for his own messes in Congress:):):):):):)...

Now...Tom Delay is one man:):):)...who is responsible for himself and his own life and his own choices:):):):):):)...and liberal and unaffiliated folks avoid responsibility, as well:):):):):):)...

But they just don't lecture others about it quite as much:):):)...

Many of my friends are open hypocrits:):):)...and then some of my friends are just less open hypocrits:):):):):):)...being hypocritical:):):)...but just not taking any even quiet responsibility for their hypocrisy as they do so:):):):):):)...

Which is kind of ironic, I think:):):)...

Since Jesus Christ's MOST IMPORTANT lessons in the Bible, I thought:):):)...were about the splinter and the beam:):):)...

...that we should pluck the beam from our own eye...before we pluck the splinter from our neighbor's eye:):):)...

Now THAT's authentic responsibility:):):)...THAT's authentic humility:):):)...and leading by example:):):):):):)...

And a lot of my conservative friends seem to be learning this, more lately:):)...while a lot of my liberal friends are all pissed off that they're getting their asses kicked, I guess...and are just in a mood to kick someone else's ass, maybe...

I don't know...

I just know that people are acting wierd, lately:)...

And I know that I've been shoveling a lot of the bullshit in the meantime:):):)...

And I'm just kind of confused about it all:):):)...

Wondering what's going on:):):):):):)...

I guess we'll all need to communicate much more honestly and openly for that to happen:):):):):):)...

And I guess some of my friends and I are just stumbling through that, right now:):):):):)...

But it's been awfully confusing, lately, I have to say:):):)...

I just hope it gets easier in the next couple of weeks or so:):):)...with some experience:):):)...

Because the fights, lately, have been BIG FIGHTS...not small ones...

And it's just REALLY OVERWHELMING to have so many BIG FIGHTS, recently, ALL AT THE SAME TIME...

It's made me a little paranoid and a little less trusting, lately...even as there are places where things have gotten more open and more trusting...

Strange, huh?...

I don't know...that's just what I'm seeing, right now:):):)...

Some common themes in the fights?...People saying they want...

No politics...

Less talking...

Less intellectual discussion...

Fewer mistakes...

None of which are possible or legitimate requests, I don't think...

So I don't know what to tell people...

Mistakes are NECESSARY for learning...learning CANNOT happen FOR ANYONE without them:):):)...

Politics is a part of me and a part of my life...and if you have an issue with that...then you need to deal with that issue and stop putting your shit off on me...I don't ask you to stop talking sports or music or about your family or what the fuck ever...

And I'm never going to stop talking about politics...

Ever...

Ever...

Ever...ever:):):)...so go fuck yourself and get used to it, you big pussy:):):):):):)...

Less intellectual discussion, by definition, makes you DUMBER, not SMARTER...and I'm not interested in EITHER OF US getting dumber instead of smarter:):):)...

And talking is how I stay open about me and my life:):):)...which is healthier for me:):):)...

I'll try to be sensitive if folks don't feel like talking:):):)...and I spend an awful lot of time just thinking quietly to myself:):):)...

But the less sensitive you are to my feelings, then, likely, the less sensitive I'm going to yours, you fuckin' dumbass:):):):):):)...

So if you DEMAND that I do a GODDAMN THING:):):):):):)...

Then I feel nor do I demonstrate any obligation in the least to be sensitive to your feelings, really at all:):):):):):)...

And if you don't like that:):):):):):)...

Then you can stop being such a fuckin' prick, you fuckin' self-centered asshole:):):):):):)...

And if you still don't like that policy, then you can go fuck yourself, dumbass:):):):):):)...

Because if you play low trust with me, then I'm likely to play lower trust than normal with you:):):):):):)...and we can go as low on that as you want until you've decided that you've bottomed out and that you want to get to higher ground:):):):):):)...

Where there's a lot more sunshine:):):):):):)...and where it's better for everyone:):):)...really:):):)...

It'll just take some work on your part and on my part:):):):):):)...

And so goes ALL GROWN-UP RELATIONSHIPS:):):):):):)...

And if you're having problems with that:):):):):):)...

Then I suggest that you GROW UP:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Goodness sakes, people:):):):):):)...

Hope everyone's having a great Sunday:):):):):):)...the weather here is BEAUTIFUL:):):):):):)...and Melissa and I have had a great time just exploring Lawrence and Massachusetts Street where all of the fun shops and diverse Lawrence business is at:):):):):):)...

I love this town:):):):):):)...

...but I especially love Mass St.:):):):):):)...as I think most people in Lawrence feel:):):):):):)...

It's a place of openness...and authentic diversity:):):) (we've had TWO Christian book/clothing stores open up on Mass in the last couple of years in liberal, univerisity-town Lawrence, this year:):):):):):)...it's VERY EXCITING:):):):):):)...

And energy:):):)...and life:):):):):):)...and growing:):):)...

...and living:):):):):):)...

It's great:):):):):):)...

If you ever get to Lawrence:):):)...I HIGHLY suggest strolling down Massachusetts Street:):):):):):)...

When my dad was last in town:):):)...I took him to Paradise Cafe, which was still open then and was and hopefully will open again as my favorite breakfast place in town:):):) (Paradise went bankrupt a couple of years ago...and Vermont Street Barbeque opened up in it's space...it's still kind of wierd for me to go by Vermont St. BBQ and think, "I used to be able to order gingersnap pancakes there":):):)...

I took my dad there because it was my favorite breakfast place in town:):):):):):)...but I guess some bank decided that profit was more important than a really great breakfast place:):):):):):)...someone had a trip to Fiji to finance:):):):):):)...

...so the gingerbread pancakes had to go:):):)...

But, hopefully:):):)...Paradise will open up again soon enough:):):):):):)...

In the meantime:):):):):)...I still love Mass:):):):):):)...

And we had a sweet little day just walking in the beautiful weather:):):)...walking and talking:):):)...eating at Mass St. Deli:):):)...checking out albums at the Love Garden:):):)...the really AWESOME used music store in town:):):) (and quickly becoming my FAVORITE music store in town, really:):):)...

I saw an American punk album there that I was thinking that I should tell Jas that he could try to trade the History of British Rock album that I got him for his birthday for:):):)...I got it because Jas HATES the British:):):)...and I thought it would be funny:):):)...

...but he might enjoy the American punk album, instead:):):):):):)...it's got a bunch of bands that used to play at the CB-GB in New York back in the day:):):)...I remember some names:):) -- the Miamis, is one:):):) -- but I didn't really know the bands very well:):):)...

But...anyway:):):)...I was just thinking that maybe Jas might want to trade his album there sometime:):):)...

I love this town:):):)...even with all its bullshit:):):)...it's like a really wonderful dysfunctional family that's just LESS DYSFUNCTIONAL that most other towns/families:):):):):):)...

I imagine this period will pass...as it always does:):):)...

Just right now it sucks...as people get figured out whether they want to build authentic trust:):):)...

Or whether they want to deal with all the bullshit that comes with trying to bully and compromise and play all kinds of games in life that just leave people feeling upset with you and leaving noone feeling happy:):):)...

Maybe it's a better idea to just search more authentic connection with one another:):):)...to live our own lives more authentically...and more decently:):):):):):)...

But I guess we all have to work through all the bullshit, in the meantime:):):):):):)...

We'll work through it, I hope:):):)...

Because if we don't, I'll have to find new friends:):):):):):)...and that's always a bitch:):):)...

I don't want to trade in my friends:):):):):):)...I like them just the way they are:):):):):):)...

...and maybe just a little bit more open to growth and learning and exploring life than they've been in the past:)...

...which...when I think about it...is exactly where they're/we're at now...

Right now...we're just exploring:):):)...

We're just stumbling along:):):)...like little babies learning how to crawl and then how to walk:):):):):):)...

It just takes time:):):)...and a lot of mistakes:):):)...and a lot of stumbling:):):)...

...before you finally learn to walk on your own:):):)...

...and maybe hold hands along the way:):):)...

Hope everyone's having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Well...I guess I was right:):):)...

I do think that I've been watching a bunch of friends basically dare me, in recent weeks, to a battle of wills...a battle of who can beat one another socially...

I do not, as a rule, engage in such nonsense...I, generally, avoid it...

But sometimes it's unavoidable...

And if I have to engage...

Then let the games begin, motherfuckers...

Because if you fight me...you will likely find out VERY SOON that I am one of the TOUGHEST MOTHERFUCKERS YOU'VE EVER DEALT WITH IN YOUR ENTIRE FUCKIN' LIFE...

I don't fight often...in fact, I avoid it as much as possible...

But what makes me a scary and crazy motherfucker to deal with should you choose to pick a fight with me on something of critical importance to my life that you are wrong on and that I've engage all my other options to resolve the issue...

And you still choose to fight me...

Is that I am one of the most DETERMINED and UNYIELDING OPPONENTS that you will/have ever had the misfortune of fucking with...

I've been thinking about military service for the last couple of years...and partly because I WOULD BE A TERRIBLY EFFECTIVE FUCKING SOLDIER...

I'm the most loyal and cocky son-of-a-bitch you've ever run across...I'm smart and socially-attuned as ALL FUCKIN' HELL...I work my ass off...I keep a great fucking attitude when morale is low:):):)...

But...most importantly:):):)...

Because I'm not scared of much:):):):):):)...at least not when and where it counts:):):):):):)...

And when I HAVE to fight -- because all other options have been and progressively more so rather than less so are expended or do not make themselves available -- then I am ONE DETERMINED AND TOUGH SUM BITCH...

And I will make your world a LIVING FUCKING HELL until it gets resolved...

I don't think that's going to happen any time, soon:):):)...

Because you watch a cool motherfucker who you know's not a pussy...take several hits on the jaw...

And you know that that motherfucker must be pretty fucking confident that he can level your fucking world, if he needs to...when the time and situation calls for it...

Here's a warning...if you're ever thinking about fighting me for real...

I would take a step back...take a deep breath...count to ten...

...and THINK about that one LONG AND FUCKING HARD...

Because I am not the brother you want to be fucking with...

And I don't say that with any hint of insecurity or defense...

I am stating a simple, clear, and confident fact...

I would think twice than to fuck with me...

I'll pick you up after I'm quite convinced that you won't be fighting me anymore...

But I'll fight as long as the fight needs to happen till I'M THE ONE PICKING YOU UP...and not the other way around:):):)...

:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

OK:):):)...that's just my little vent/warning to those who are thinking about fighting/fucking with me any time soon:):):):):):)...

Glad I got that out:):):):):):)...

Now I can focus on more important things:):):):):):)...

Like the really beautiful version of Top of the World performed by the Dixie Chicks that I downloaded today...

...that I'm listening to, right now:):):)...

It's the namesake of their VERY BEAUTIFUL album written in the days leading up to President Bush's badly mishandled invasion of Iraq...with songs -- More Love and Traveling Soldier...the TWO BEST ANTI-WAR SONGS DURING THIS ENTIRE PERIOD...that were rightfully cautionary and critical of that tragically engaged war...a war that caused and still causes FAR TOO MANY unnecessary deaths among American soldiers, aid workers, commerical workers from America and other countries from the international community, Iraqis, and anyone else who might be lost in this too tragic situation in Iraq...

Top of the World is this REALLY BEAUTIFUL SONG about a man who's own insecurities lead him to bully and verbally shoot down the dreams of his still too insecure wife...for their entire lives together...and his hypothetical lament and apology for wasting the potential and the life of his little songbird...whom he could have taken to the top of the world...

Natalie Maines -- the Chick's lead singer -- sings this INCREDIBLE cover/version of Patti Griffin's powerfully written song about the laments of a bully too busy wallowing in his own self-doubt and low-self-worth to recognize just how badly he had hurt his wife and potential soulmate, had he not chosen to treat her like his emotional punching bag, instead, all those years that he spent treating her like shit so he wouldn't have to face what an ASS he had become...

Marty Maguire play a violin solo at the end of this song like you've never heard before in your life...

And Emily Robinson sings, along with Marty, harmony vocals that will melt your heart like you've never melted before:)...

Please check it out:):):)...I'm listening to a download from Bearshare right now:):):)...I HIGHLY recommend it:):):):):):)...

Fighting should be avoiding as much as possible...

But make no mistake with me...

You don't want to fuck with me...

Really...

We all probably should take a moment and listen to the Chicks instead:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...I've got a violin solo to attend to:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

I am -- literally -- on top the world, this morning:):):):):):)...

I'm listening to this AMAZING song library Melissa and I have hear on this computer:):):)...a lot of They Might Be Giants:):):)...my new favorite rap/pop song, Akon's Lonely:):):)...some gospel:):):)...a little of everything:):):)...

And I am having the most AMAZING day:):):)...

The issues at work all seem to have gotten resolved:)...and our work is running more smoothly than ever before:):):)...we are becoming a team:):)...and it is exciting to watch it all happen:):):)...

The guy I'm training, right now -- Kevin -- is EXCELLENT:):):)...he's smart:):):)...he's cool:):):)...he's got a great sense of humor:):):)...he's a great guy:):):)...

And we make an awesome team, I have to say:):):)...we're quickly becoming best buds in short time:):):)...

At work, a lot of people know me as "Right on":):):)...it's because I say, "Right on," just about every other fuckin' phrase out of my mouth every day:):):)...it's just an all purpose phrase, you know?:):):)...you can take it with you no matter where you go and it just fits just about every situation:):):)...

So, Kevin, this week, has been saying "Word up" a lot:):):)...and it started to occur to me that "Word up" is very much like right on:):):)...but more progressive since it's 80's retro, rather than 70's retro:):):)...so I told Kevin that the regime of "Right on" that currently rules Amarr -- everyone says it ALL THE TIME...at lunch...over the intercom (ALL THE TIME:):):)...when they're referring to me:):):)...it's this one really long running joke at my work:):):)...

I told Kevin that the great and powerful Oz had decreed that the regime of "Right on" had ended...that we were initiating regime change:):):)...and that the regime of "Word up" was taking it's place:):):)...

...and Kevin says, "Long live the king":):):):):):):)...

Then Madeline -- who had avoided saying "Right on" for weeks, it seemed, because she had been pissed at me and didn't want to utter anything that might, in the least, indicate any kind of tacit approval of my presence:):):)...

Madeline says, "Milkshake"):):)...so now that's part of our vocabulary as well:):):)...

And Chris...our press operator:):):)...say's something Snoop Doggy Dogg-esque like "Fashizzle my dizzle":):):):):):)...

So now that's part of the Amarr dialect:):):)...

Marty says "Two pumps and a hickey":):):):):):)...

And Rodney always says, "Hey guys...why don't you clean up your area and pick things up before we have to go, here":):):):):):)...

And these are all just becoming a part of the Amarr lingo:):):):):):)...

We're developing our own language:):):)...

...who knows:):):)...maybe we'll put out our own dictionary:):):)...

Have you ever had a crush on someone and they don't know it?:):):)...I have one of those, right now:):):)...there's this girl with a really great smile that I've got this killer crush on right now:):):)...and I get all giddy inside when I think about her:):):)...

"I just want to be loved...is that so wrong?":):):):):):)...

God...I haven't been in love in so long:):):)...I wonder what that might feel like again?:):):)...

If you haven't heard "The Alphabet Lost and Found" yet, you really are missing out:):):)...HIGHLY recommend it:):):)...

Is is possible to feel really powerful feelings for someone without even knowing them, really?...only that they have this really great smile and heart?:)...

I'm a mature adult so I know that all of our crushes don't always translate into real love:):):)...

But it sure is fun to crush, isn't it?:):):)...

To bite your lip and think, "Maybe":):):):):):)...

"Maybe":):):):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Maybe it's a liberal thing:):):)...or a rebellion against the new Pope thing?...or maybe just a lot of really disappointed Yankees fans, right now?...

Maybe people are being such assholes because so many of my liberal friends have become convinced again that they've got to fight the Administration...so they are making sure to take their fight to the most logical people they can imagine...

The totally innocent friends in their midst...

I don't know what it is...but something's in the fuckin' water, lately...and I'm tired of getting stomach aches...

I am currently exploring misanthropic hermitude...

Is it the passing of the Pope and the election of a new Pope?...what is up with folks, lately, that so many people are being such assholes, lately...

I seriously considered just coming home and sleeping...and going to work with a "fuck off" attitude for however long it would take for whatever bullshit needs to pass right now...

Because I am SICK AND TIRED of peoples' bullshit, lately...

At work, last night, I got mildly chewed out -- but chewed out nonetheless...even though my bosses denied it lately, I heard the tone in their voices, the first time -- for a minor mistake that was part of a cluster of more serious mistakes on the machine that I work...I'm in charge of the machine...so I take full responsibility for everything that happens on it...but I was in a sticky situation, the other night, when a supervisor took charge of the machine, for awhile, and had me help out somewhere else...some important mistakes got made during that time...and those mistakes as well as my own got an insulator's panties in a twist and got me a mild dressdown when I got to work last night, even though I was already in a pretty sour mood, when I got there...

And I spent the first fourth of the night working like a porn actress on a coke binge, angry as all hell at how the situation got handled...

...and wondering if I might be able to just crawl in a little hole somewhere an avoid people altogether until they all learn to stop being such pricks...

Just for the moment...I've just lost my patience, almost completely, so thoroughly discouraged am I that I've had to eat so much undeserved shit in such a short period of time...

As a general rule (my asshole post, previously posted, being an important exception) I, generally, take responsibility fairly readily...I have a pretty no excuses attitude about life...and I'd say I take responsibility WAY MORE AND MORE READILY THAN THE AVERAGE BEAR...

And I have, temporarily, lost all patience with folks who shovel shit my way because they're too lame to shovel it themselves...

I ruminated and worked my fuckin' tail end off until I was able to vent to a supervisor I trusted who helped me get the situation resolved...

Afterwards, three of my co-workers decided to engage in a spontaneous, informal work slow-down that I had very little choice to pretty much watch happen, as I tried not to look like a total square and as I looked for things to do...

And I kept thinking to myself, "What is the appeal of being such a lameass?"...Why do people think that it is cool or fun or whatever the fuck to be such a lame son-of-a-bitch?...Come to think of it...what is so appealing about being the typical lazy, cry-baby, victim, self-centered, self-righteous, dumbass, foolish, scared little bitches that most people are?...

Is is "breaking the rules?"...is that what makes it so exciting to be such a fuckin' lameass?...

And in the meantime...would lameasses mind letting those of us who care about doing a decent job just do a decent job and just get the fuck out of my way, please?...

I'm not looking for lameasses to permanently stop being lameasses, necessarily (though it wouldn't be a bad idea, mind you)...

I just want lameasses to stop pathetically looking for me to validate your lame fuckin' ass?...

If your going to be a lameass, I say, then learn to stand up and be a man (or a woman) about it and learn to be a fuckin' lameass on your own two fuckin' feet, you worm...

And stop being so intent on roping me into it...

I'm tired of it...it bores me...I like excelling...I feel lame when I'm wasting time when it doesn't serve any fuckin' constructive purpose at all...and you should too...but in case you don't...why don't you learn to sit the fuck down and let those of us who do want to do a good job do our jobs and watch some Jerry Springer or something...

I couldn't believe the fuckin' lameasses at my work -- who don't work a fuckin' millionth as hard as I do -- squealing to my bosses about a whole fuckin' mess of mistakes that we made and spent as much time as my supervisor asked me (and then asked me to go home) to work on them (which I did readily and asked if I might stay later and was told to go home...I was trained as a professional, for goodness sakes, you fuckin' lame motherfuckers)...

And then getting a fuckin' dress down because of mistakes that I was completely open and responsive to take care of...but no matter HOW MUCH I was willing and did so, it was just not enough for my bosses when I first walked through the doors of Amarr, last night...

That's changed...we got things resolved, I think...

But I pretty goddamned pissed, last night...

And I was seriously thinking about a period of misanthropic hermitude (meaning staying away from all people because I just hate them so much and all of their bullshit, right now) for maybe a year or so...

But then my big sup -- Marsha -- listened to me...relayed the message...and my bosses essentially gave up the dress down...or at least said they weren't meaning to dress me down...which explanation didn't match the tone in their voice, earlier in the night, which sounded an awful lot like "Don't be such a fuck-up again, temp boy"...I thought I lost my position on the machine, which is what really hurt -- that I thought I was being taken on the duty that I actually think that, generally, I've excelled at...

I'm just more open and responsive and willing to admit mistakes than almost all, if not all, of the people I trained with and who run the machine with me...

I'm not making excuses...there were plenty of mistakes that were my own...

And make no mistake...if a supervisor tells me that they're taking over, next time, I will VERY NICELY make plain to them that they will do so OVER MY DEAD FUCKING BODY, in the future, unless they promise to take all responsibility for anything that goes wrong on the line in my dysfunctional little warehouse...

And if it hadn't been for Marsha, I was thinking about coming home, hiding my blogs, locking my doors, and staying away from people for about a year until they can all stop being such fuckin' pricks in my presence...

But then Marsha came and listened...and her presence convinced me that maybe the human race is improvable, because last night and all this week it SURE AS HELL has not seemed so...

Maybe it's the new pope that's got everyone acting like such assholes...most people DO act like assholes if they think some ROTWEILER is watching their every fuckin' move (which then just validates, for your average rotweiler, that it's a good goddamned thing that they're a rotweiler, because, "Just think what they'd do if I wasn't gnawing at their ankles and growling at their intestines?"

Who knows...maybe most of them wouldn't be such fuckin' assholes all the fuckin' time...

Or maybe they'd be assholes...and then grow up quicker when the thrill of being a fuckin' lameass wears off?...

Does that thrill wear off?...

Another day will tell:)...

Love,
Ben

I'm such an asshole...

I'm such an asshole...

Sometimes you meet someone who so opens you up beyond your defenses that you can admit this to yourself...

This is why I don't think that hurting people makes the world better...

Because it's when we have our hearts opened up by people with bigger hearts than ours that we realize what FUCKING DICKS we can be...

...and I just realized, this evening, what a FUCKING LAME ASS DICK I can be...

...and I feel so goddamn ashamed...

...I'm not going to go into it, right now...

...I'll just say that it took me experiencing someone else's love to admit it to myself...

I'm such a fuckin' prick...I feel like such a louse...I want to tender apologies, but I don't know how...

I just hope the folks in question know what a prick I've been know what an asshole I feel like...

It just goes to show...love is the ONLY way that we face up to our bullshit...everything else is just our bullshit unchallenged...unchanged...the same old bullshit...the same old cycles...the same old nonsense...the same old hurt...the same old same old...

I'm trying to forgive myself, right now...but it's a tough row, right now...I can see why it would be so hard for others to forgive me too...to the great big universe out there, I say, "I'm sorry...please forgive me...for being a great big asshole"...

Is it possible for human beings to NOT be assholes?...

I don't think so...

I don't think there's anyway around it...

We're just assholes...as about one of the most absolute rules of life that I can imagine...

We're not bad, I don't think, fundamentally...

Just assholes...

Worthy of forgiveness...

But assholes, nonetheless...

I realized the other day while recounting Bobby Kennedy's speech following the assassination of Martin Luther King to some friends at work how important love and compassion and understanding and forgiveness is...

How much we take it for granted...

How much we take for granted people like Bobby Kennedy...and Martin Luther King...and Ghandi...and their lives and deaths and examples...

What assholes we all are:):):)...

...and it's ok:):):):):):)...

...because that's why those folks' hearts were so big:):):):):):)...

...so we could be assholes, today, and still learn and be still and always worthy of forgiveness:):):):):):)...

But today it's a tough row to hoe...because today I only barely think that I'm worthy of it...

But the only reason why I'm able to face what a dicklick I am is because someone else's love opened me up to my bullshit...

Meaning I could only face what an asshole I am because someone else's capacity for love convinced me -- intuitively, I imagine -- that I might be worthy of forgiveness if I faced up to my bullshit...

And because this person's love helped me see what an asshole I had been in the first place...

I'm listening to the Five Blind Boys of Alabama tonight as I write this post...which is ironic and appropriate since I referenced this song, "Down by the Riverside" for another friend whom I thought was being an asshole...

I just hope I'm worthy of forgiveness...I think/hope I am...because God knows that I need it...

"I'm going to lay down my heavy burdens...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside"...

"I'm going to lay down my heavy burdens...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside...way down...down by the riverside"...

"Ain't gonna study war no more"...

I'm such an asshole...I hate myself, right now...

This will pass, I'm sure...

But it's too long coming...and something I've needed to face for too long, I think...

I just downloaded Ray Charles' Amazing Grace...

I need this one, right now...

Amazing grace...how sweet the sound...

That saved a wretch like me...

I once was lost...but now I'm found...

I was blind...but now I see...

Twas grace that taught my heart to feel...

And grace my fears relieved...

How precious, yes, that grace appear...

The hour I first believed...

When we'll been there...ten thousand years...

Bright shining as the sun...

We've no less days...to sing God's praise...

Then when we first begun...

Amazing grace...how sweet the sound...

That saved a wretch...like me...

I once was lost...but now I'm found...

I was blind...but now I see...

Thanks, Ray...from a man who knows what's it like to be lost:)...and found:)...

I'm so sorry, everyone...

Thanks, Rose...

Love,
Ben

I'm getting really tired of people using as a punching bag...

Why is it that people who can't get their shit, together, emotionally, keep using me as a punching bag in lieu of taking responsibility for their bullshit?...

I have this guy at work...he's a friend...a good friend, I'd say...and he can also be a Mexican racist son-of-a-bitch...who doesn't hesitate to tell me at least once a day what a scurge to the human race white people are...and to talk to me as if I am somehow I am the symbolic cause of all of the misery that folks of color have ever encountered...

Now...this offends me on so may levels, I can't even begin to tell you:):):)...

First, of all...TYPICALLY...not always...but TYPICALLY...I have often studied and more fully appreciated the culture of many if not most of my friends of color than they have of their own...

I can, typically, recall names of important native authors that most of my native friends are unaware of...I, generally, know more about the civil rights movement than most of my black friends...I'm usually more versed on matters around immigration and other matters pertaining to hispanics...and in developing countries -- like my teaching experiences in Mexico -- than my hispanic friends can:)...

And I listen...and I constantly absorb and seek to learn new information and understandings and wisdom from a million different people and a million different cultures:):):)...

I've done civil rights and race dialogue and anti-racism work for much of my life...and I know more about civil rights and have worked on it longer than most of my friends of color have done, sometimes combined, defending on the composition of the group or the room...

And the bullshit around this is that racism is wrong no matter who it comes from...people of color...people not of color...whoever the fuck is involved...

And much of the work that I did in race dialogues was to assert this need for white folks to be treated as equals in such conversations as much as people of color...which...on a university campus...was a needed reminder...

I've now had two important encounters with people of color at my work where they have used race cards to try to bully and intimidate their way through work...too often to just avoid it, unfortunately...other times, like today, to just beat up on me because they were feeling shitty, for whatever reasons...

And I get tired of it really quickly...

Especially when I have worked so hard my entire life, really, to create a greater awareness, understanding, and appreciation of others of various cultures, races, religions, genders, sexual orientations, nationalities, educations, backgrounds, professions...and whatever the fuck differences people have between them, really...

And sometimes I have more patience for the bullshit...

But today I didn't...

I guess because I've been dealing with this same bullshit from the same person for a month now...and at some point, you'd think that this son-of-a-bitch would get a clue that WHITE PEOPLE DON'T LIKE RACISM ANY MORE THAN PEOPLE OF COLOR DO...

But I suppose that I will have to say something more directly about it tomorrow...or whenever I talk with this friend...

I also have to say that wherever the hall monitors of political correctness keep their pencils pinned behind their buns and stuffed in their pocket protectors...

I will be defying them:):):)...as nicely...and a sensitively...and as decently as I perpetually can:):):)...

As I've said before on my tripod blog:)...

Building a Better World

...thank you very much, friendly police occifer:):):)...but I think I'll pass on the sanctions on my free expression, thank you very much:):):):):):):)...

If there's one thing people should have figured out by now with me...it is that I am not easily silenced:):):)...and anytime where you might find a temporary manipulation:):):)...I WILL FIND MY OUT OF IT:):):):):):)...

Guaranteed:):):)...

Which is why I want my friend to have the freedom to even say racist shit:):):):):):)...because we all need the freedom to just be ourselves:):):)...and to not have to be something for someone because it makes it look better than we are:):):)...

And...so:):):)...for that reason:):):)...I really appreciate this person:):):) (when I speak positive things about folks -- like when they've got a good thing going, Melissa:):):) -- I'll share their names:):):)...and when I speak shit negative on people on my blog -- where people can get sensitive about how their talked about where lots of people can read about what shitheads they're being:):):) -- then I'll try to write more discreetly:):):)...

I do this as a favor, by the way...for more fragile folks:):):)...it is not your or my right not to have shit talked on us:):):)...it is somerthing I do to care for the all-too-fragile feelings of friends and family:):):)...

But don't push me on it...

Have a good everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Sarah Lunde, David Onstott, and trying to explain the unexplainable...and prevent the preventable...

Sarah Lunde is the 13-year-old Florida girl who was strangled to death allegedly by convicted rapist, David Onstott, a former boyfriend of her mother, Kelly May Lunde...

Sex Offender Charged in Florida Girl's Death

I just want to say that if David did this terrible thing...he's a disgusting bastard for having done so...and whomever did this thing is a disgusting bastard for having done so...

This is such a tragic story of a girl who looks to have worked very hard to transcend a very difficult and troubled childhood through relationships with/in a local Apostolic church...

And whose too brief life was cut short by someone likely terribly callous to be able to kill a 13-year-old girl...

This is a terrible tragedy that deserves all of our sympathy and concern...

As Vickie Chachere, the Associated Press writer who filed the story described:

"Among the mourners were Mark Lunsford, whose daughter Jessica was found dead last month after she was kidnapped from their Citrus County home, and Roy Brown, whose daughter Amanda was murdered in 1997 by a convicted child molester in Tampa."

Lunsford gave his take on Sarah's murder:

"It's sad that it takes something like this to bring a community together," Lunsford said. "America needs to wake up. The next child could be yours."

I feel nothing but compassion for young people like Sarah and Jessica and Amanda, and their fathers and family, like Kelly and Roy and Mark...

And these kinds of crimes, of course, must be prevented, as much as possible...

But I do think America is quite awake around issues concerning violence and abuse against children...

I think the much deeper problem is in finding more effective and sensitive ways of dealing with the problem and all of the myriad of difficult complications in doing so...

I'm concerned that too many people, right now, are convinced that hurting sex offenders and murderers and other violent peoplem, more, rather than being committed to them taking responsibility for their crimes and seeking forgiveness for what they've done -- with some expectation that they will receive forgiveness, at least from those of us committed, responsible, and, thus, willing to do so...

...rather than expecting that doing the same thing we've been doing for almost 2000 years, really (perhaps with less inhumanity and vengeance than we have in the past) will, somehow, yield a different result...

The definition of insanity, as the saying goes, is doing the same thing over and over again:):):)...and expecting a different result:):):)...

And this is no different for this very difficult situation than it is for any other...

In fact, as Reverend Desmond Tutu argues, persuasively, I think, it is MORE IMPORTANT to forgive and to develop and effective process of truth and reconciliation the MORE SERIOUS the crime...

Tutu argues this case when dealing with the most serious crimes known to humanity...crimes of genocide...or mass murder...generally of one ethnic or religious group against another...

Tutu argues that a process of truth and reconciliation -- similar to the process developed by people like Desmond Tutu in South Africa following the terrible crimes of apartheid -- should be developed for the most serious crimes against humanity, in lieu or in conjuction with an international criminal court...

Clearly...some process of forgiveness is needed to help us transcend so many of our very terrible tragedies that have left peoples' -- between larger societies...between peoples and governments...between individuals...individuals like David Onstott and Kelly May Lunde -- with anger and bitterness and pain in their hearts...often lost in darkness...searching for light...

And, given how central the principle of love and compassion and forgiveness -- authentic love and compassion and forgiveness...in contrast to Nancy Reagan's otherwise wonderful bit of advice...we cannot ONLY fake it until we make it...we also have to make it:):):):):):):) -- we might begin to explore alternatives to simply more incarceration or harsher punishment -- which are CLEARLY NOT WORKING, if this case could be evidence to us of anything -- to prevent such terrible tragedies in the future...

To do so will be difficult and challenging...and very painful...for people like Kelly Mae Lunde...and Mark Lundsford...and Roy Brown...

But as the New York Central Park mugging and rape victim, Trisha Meili, demonstrates in her book, "I am the Central Park Jogger: a Story of Hope and Possibility"...it is not only possible...it is preferable...for both the victims and the perpetrators...

Trisha Meili's I am the Central Park Jogger: a Story of Hope and Possibility

As Trisha's story demonstrates...forgiving pain that others have caused us is better for US...not just for those who have hurt us...

And authentically forgiving is a very difficult and painful process of dealing with and experiencing and letting go of our pain more openly and honestly and authentically -- meaning FOR REAL...not just so that we look or fake ourselves out into thinking that we've forgiven when we haven't:):):)...

And to do so is a really critical part of both the healing process...and of growing and deepening and opening and learning and developing and relating as human beings:):):)...

As Wayne Muller, a really wonderful author I encountered while in undergrad writes:):):)...painful situations in our lives are often opportunities for growth that can have advantages that we never imagined if we take up the painful and difficult work of forgiveness and developing genuine compassion and understanding for those who have hurt us -- as well as feeling our authentic feelings of anger and hurt and fear and, sometimes, a desire for revenge...

As Robert Kennedy tells black audience members in his impromptu eulogy for Martin Luther King:

"For those of you who are black and are tempted to be filled with hatred and distrust at the injustice of such an act, against all white people, I can only say that I feel in my own heart the same kind of feeling. I had a member of my family killed, but he was killed by a white man. But we have to make an effort in the United States, we have to make an effort to understand, to go beyond these rather difficult times.

My favorite poet was Aeschylus. He wrote: 'In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God.'

What we need in the United States is not division; what we need in the United States is not hatred; what we need in the United States is not violence or lawlessness; but love and wisdom, and compassion toward one another, and a feeling of justice toward those who still suffer within our country, whether they be white or they be black.

So I shall ask you tonight to return home, to say a prayer for the family of Martin Luther King, that's true, but more importantly to say a prayer for our own country, which all of us love--a prayer for understanding and that compassion of which I spoke.

We can do well in this country. We will have difficult times; we've had difficult times in the past; we will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder.

But the vast majority of white people and the vast majority of black people in this country want to live together, want to improve the quality of our life, and want justice for all human beings who abide in our land.

Let us dedicate ourselves to what the Greeks wrote so many years ago: to tame the savageness of man and make gentle the life of this world."

I can't say it better than Bobby...Let us dedicate ourselves to tame the savageness of man...and make gentle the life of this earth...

Thanks Bobby...thanks Desmond...thanks Trisha:):):)...thanks Wayne:):):)...

And thanks to everyone whose ever taught me to forgive and love authentically in my life:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

Feeling lonely:):):)...loving friends:):):):)...and wondering what the hell has happened to my friend, Brandi Fisher:):):)...

I'm listening to the best album I've heard of Dar Williams'...the Out There Live Album...an all live album of Dar's greatest hits, including Better Things...February...The Babysitter's Here...The Christians and the Pagans...When I Was a Boy...I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono...Are You Out There...What Do You Here in These Sounds...Iowa:):):)...The Ocean:):)...Spring Street:):)...As Cool as I Am:):):)...If I Wrote You...End of the Summer...and After All:):):)...

A ton of really wonderful Dar Williams hits:):):)...if you haven't heard February, The Babysitter's Here, The Christians and the Pagans, When I Was a Boy, Iowa, I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono, and Are You Out There, especially, then you really haven't ever lived:):):):):):)...

I'm feeling kind of lonely lately:):):)...a bunch of things:):):)...

Melissa and I have broken up:):):)...and she's been spending a lot more time (3 nights in one week:):):), with one of my very best friends and a guy that I think would be great for Melissa and whom I've thought from the first time I saw them both in the same room would be a great match for Melissa:):):)...my friend...Dave Gilham:):):)...

I'm totally happy for Melissa and for Dave:):):)...and have totally encouraged and supported their spending time together:):):)...

I've just been missing having Melissa around because she's always such a good listener and it's like having one of your best friends start hanging out with someone of the opposite sex...so you don't get to spend as much time with them, you know?:):):)...

And I'm just kind of missing having Melissa around:):):):):):)...and the amount of time that we've spent together in the last year or so:):):):):):)...I'll really miss it when we aren't doing it every day any more:):):):):):)...

So I'm feeling kind of lonely right now:):):)...

Melissa and I went out last night and saw the town of Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...we ate at this really wonderful little restaraunt called Alladin's Cafe, here in Lawrence:):):)...a wonderful little Middle Eastern/Mediterranean exotic/liberal restaraunt/hang-out here in Lawrence:):):)...we had really yummy vegitarian food:):):)...and had these really wonderful, cute little waitresses waiting on us:):):)...

Melissa and I talked quite a bit yesterday about us...about being broken up:)...about seeing other people:):)...about having sex with other people:):):)...about me still and always planning my future wedding:):):)...especially when I'm single and I've nothing better to do:):):)...about me looking at other women and her looking at other men in public when we're together:):):)...about how we relate, now, differently, since we're broken up:):):)...

It's funny:):):)...it's like being broken up has brought Melissa and I closer together rather than led us to feel farther apart, as is common in former relationships and is certainly true, right now, with a certain ex-girlfriend in my life:):):):):):)...

Brandi hasn't written me in almost 2 weeks...

And this despite the fact that my last correspondence with her was asking her if she might visit my grandmother when she was in Wichita next (she goes often) just to say hi since we're not exactly sure how much longer she'll be with us:)...

Brandi was really loved in my family and I'm sure that my grandma would love to see her:)...

It was a really important request for me...

And Brandi's completely blown it off...

I haven't heard anything:(...

Brandi used to be my best friend...she used to be the most sensitive person I knew...the person I could count on, most, to be supportive during a hard time...

And, right now, I can hardly count on her for anything at all, really...

Not even friendship, right now...

For whatever convoluted reasons that she's conjured up in a heart and mind that I just don't really understand anymore, really...

It's not just that Brandi keeps everything from me, these days...

It's that I just don't get her anymore...

She's changed...

And not for the better...

Not writing -- even out of sympathy or just to say that she couldn't make it to Wichita -- is REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER for Brandi...

I don't know what's going on with Ms. Fisher, but I'm REALLY CONCERNED...

I told Brandi a long time, it seems now, that I had a best friend in high school who got lost in a world of drugs for a long time and it really created some distance between us, at the time...

His name was Mike Coupland...

He was my best friend from high school...

We were best friends...and competitors...as students...as forensics speakers and debaters...and theater kids...as boys in high school looking for support and attention like any kids in high school, really...

And Mike started getting convinced that he couldn't compete with me, anymore...

I was doing more successfully in forensics, at the time...even though Mike and I were also doing successfully together, as duo partners...and not so successfully, later -- my senior year -- as debate partners...but still in it all together...I thought...

But my sophomore year of high school, things started falling apart in Mike's family...and Mike started to slip away from me...

We got in a big fight...physically...Mike beat the shit out of me before I left his house and didn't return to see him at all for quite a long time...

And then my senior year, Mike and I started hanging out again:)...we were debate partners...doing poorly...but together nonetheless:)...

And then the day before/of our regional debate tournament that qualified us for nationals...Mike completely lamed out on me...

One of the biggest debate tournaments for us (since we weren't that good and there was NO WAY IN HELL we were going to NFL Nationals:):):) of the year...

...and Mike just decided he wasn't going to show...

I lost track of Mike for a couple years again...

...when out of the blue he called me from Alaska...in the Air Force...where he was stationed...he joined up after we graduated:):):)...it was a dream of Mike's for quite a while, at that point...

...the dream of a kid who missed and never really knew, very well, a biological father who had been in the military:):):)...

Mike was married and had a daughter at that point:):):)...

...but he didn't seem much happier:(...

He was still lost in drugs (since Mike was stationed in Alaska for drugs and all charges are in the past, I think it's ok to share this...I hope so, at least)...he was not happy in his relationship...or as a father...

Mike had just not really grown up much...or at least not enough to feel confident as a man...and as a husband...and as a father...since I knew him in high school...and the military, clearly, had not really facilitated that maturity very well, either...

...and in Mike's case, they really had no excuse...

...Mike was a bright, creative, ambitious young man...

Clearly, Mike's life is his own, primarily...

But the military's responsibility with kids like Mike, as much as preparing them to kill and fight, is to facilitate their maturity...to support them through a difficult and challenging and often scary time in a young person's life, as Dean Mundy so well describes in his Mundy's Musings on Christianity, referring to similarly aged young men and women going off to college when they are young freshman-aged students:):):)...

Mike moved back to Wichita and we hung out a little bit when I was still going to school at Wichita State University:):):)...I liked hanging out with Mike, again:):):)...though I often did feel like I was still taking care of Mike and supporting him where he struggled to take care of himself:)...

...but, then again, we all need help, sometimes...I'm definitely not an exception to that:):):)...at all:):):)...

...but...for whatever reasons...since I was just coming off of a break-up with my then girlfriend, Jenny Burrington...and was yet to meet my soon-to-be best friend...and...later...girlfriend...Brandi Fisher...I just didn't feel strong enough to support Mike at the time...

Which was really ironic and self-centered on my part...given my anger and hurt and frustration with my sister, Jenny, at the time who was not supportive enough with me as I dealt with my very difficult feelings following Jenny Burrington's and my break-up, for VERY SIMILAR REASONS:):):)...

I guess, even though I was overwhelmed emotionally...with very few resources immediately available to me to handle my situation better...that I was being a little self-centered with Mike, given my own needs, as well:)...

But the whole point, here, is that Mike took a LONG SLIDE from this really bright, ambitious, competitive, creative, sensitive, wonderful guy I knew...

Into this really self-centered...fragile...often unable to cope...or deal with life's challenges...guy...who still had the glimmer of the brighter, ambitious, sensitive, creative, competitive, wonderful guy that I once knew:):):)...

And I told Brandi, at one point, as she starting acting in ways that I really didn't recognize or understand...that I was concerned that she was taking a similar slide...

And not answering back after I tell Brandi about what's going on with my grandmother is really the last bit of confirming evidence for me that Brandi is in trouble...and not really dealing with it...

And it makes very sad:(...

Brandi is angry with me, right now, because I was honest with her in a way she didn't want to here:(...

She was kind of shitting on me in a recent email and I finally told her that I was tired of eating her shit...and that I didn't understand our relationship, at all, these days...Brandi says she wants to be friends...I say that I want to be friends...but Brandi can't handle it...

Which I don't understand, at all, of course, since it makes no sense to me, at all that being broken up means that you can't be friends:)...Melissa and I are navigated fairly well, right now, I think:):):)...

But neither Brandi nor Greg, I don't think, can handle right now...

And...in the meantime...instead of being responsible for that...

Fisher kept putting that shit off on me...

And I had finally had enough of it...

And Brandi has decided that instead of being responsible for that and growing up a little bit and learning to be a big girl with a husband and a friend and ex-boyfriend, that instead she's just gonna hide in her marriage from a friendship that I really value/valued...because it's just too tough for her to grow up a little bit...

I told Brandi that when she and I were together that I never really though twice about seeing Jenny -- my ex-girlfriend...who called me up about 3 years or so into my relationship with Brandi after a divorce...and feeling depressed and wanting some support:) -- because I was TOTALLY in love with Brandi:):):)...there was no question about my commitments to Brandi...and my commitment to my ex-girlfriend as a friend was equally important to me, and was in no way threatening to my relationship with Brandi:):):)...

...because I was UTTERLY and COMPLETELY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH BRANDI FISHER:):):):):):)...

...and there was nothing she had to worry about:):):):):):)...

...because there was NO WAY IN HELL OR ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I was going to cheat on her or leave her:):):):):):)...because I -- and I hope she -- was COMPLETELY CLEAR about where my love and my commitments lay:)...

And I told Brandi that if she doesn't feel that same way about her husband then she must not really know what love is really like:):):)...because I did/do...and if Brandi is really in love with Greg...as I was with Brandi...

...then there should be no issue in seeing me or talking with me or hanging out...

...and certainly not with returning emails:)...

...and certainly not with returning emails about my grandmother who I'm concerned may not get to see Brandi if Brandi won't initiate a visit before she passes from our lives:(...

And Brandi -- after almost 2 weeks of emails -- still has nothing to say...

I hope Brandi comes back from whereever she's gone...

Because Brandi was/is one of the most remarkable people I've ever met in my life...

And to watch someone of her caliber take this kind of slide is really difficult to helplessly stand by and let happen...

I feel very much like my friend, Todd's, newest character of study:):):)...and a REALLY GREAT idea for an updated play that's he's working on:):):)...

Prometheus...of Aeschylus' ancient greek tragedy, Prometheus Bound:):):):):):)...

Prometheus brings fire to human beings and thus gives them power...

Zeus punishes humans for their new found power...

And Prometheus must stand helplessly by watching human beings suffer with the fire that he brought to them, unable to do anything to end their suffering...

I hope Brandi finds her fire again...because right now she's in a place that I don't know or recognize or understand...one that I don't even have too many details about since she shares so little with me, these days...

And I can only hope that she will dig her way out of whatever hole she's dug herself into...

I've made it all the way through Dar's greatest hits album:):):)...I'm listening to the song that originally roped me into Dar Williams, an artist I first discovered with Brandi, The Christians and the Pagans:):):):):):)...

I hope Brandi will find it in her heart, at some point, to "find faith and common ground," as the Christians and Pagans do in Dar's beautiful little tune:):):)...

In our case, it's really not quite as difficult or as dramatic:):):)...

In Dar's song, the young lesbian pagan couple have not seen or talked with their Christian relatives in quite a while:):):)...

And when Christmas and Solstice brings them together for a common holiday celebration, they seek faith and common ground amidst a significant break in their not-quite-so-close-or-intimate relationship:):):)...

For Brandi and I, it is seeking faith and common ground between a Christian/Pagan/Jew/Buddhist/soft atheist/agnostic/secular humanist/academic and universally spiritual dude and a Reform Jew after two weeks of no mutual communication in a relationship where they have talked almost if not every week for almost 9 years...and who talked EVERY DAY before that, for almost 5 and 1/2 years...

But even though it's only been 2 weeks...it's the longest time I've ever spent not communicating with Brandi that I can remember...and it makes me really sad:(...

Most of all because I don't think I've done anything wrong...

Except be honest with her...

Which is exactly what a friend/best friend does...and which is what I expect and often get from Brandi...and why I've always considered her my best friend...the reason why she sticks out so much...

Because she's always more loving and honest and than any of my friends...

And I miss her loving and honest voice in my life, right now:(...

And as Akon and Alvin of the Chipmunks, sing...it makes me feel...

"Lonely...so lonely"...

There's this girl that Melissa and I saw yesterday eating outside while we were walking down Massachusetts who is really sweet...and really attractive:):):)...and who I know -- from previous, quiet encounters, I know is attracted to me:):):)...she's a real sweetheart:):):)...

I don't even know her name:):):)...but she's a realy sweety:):):)...and very social:):):)...and really outgoing and willing to take social risks:):):)...all reasons that attracted me to Brandi as a human being, nevertheless as a potential friend or girlfriend, when I first met her:):):)...

And right now...I'm trying to let go of my relationship/friendship with Brandi altogether...at least for awhile...until Fisher gets her shit figured out:):):)...

And I think I'll be asking out this girl as soon as I see her again in a setting where I might be able to talk with her/get to know her a little bit:):):)...

And in the meantime:):):)...a friendship with Brandi will just have to wait, I guess, until she can grow up a little bit:):):)...

I sure hope that's sooner rather than later:):):)...

Joel and Julie caught Melissa and I at Borders, last night:):):)...and we went to Liberty to see Woody Allen's newest movie, Melinda, Melida, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone interested:):):)...Woody Allen is still the master:):):)...and this movie demonstrates the staying power of his talents and vision as a filmmaker:):):)...one of his best:):):):):):)...a tribute to theater of the 40's, 50's, and 60's, set in the long view of tragedy and comedy throughout the ages...and set, immediately, in 21st Century New York City, of course:):):):):):)...a really wonderful little story of the wonderful little accidents that lead to love and friendship for all of us:):):):):):)...

I highly recommend:):):)...

And it was really neat to hang out with Joel and Julie and Melissa and Joel and Julie's friend, Joe, and Pam Grout and her new beau, and Matt and everyone else we met and hung with last night:):):)...enjoying time together with people who love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...I love my friends from EMU:):):)...Joel and Julie, in particular:):):)...and Melissa, as always, of course:):):)...

And it was a nice antidote to my lonliness from earlier that day:):):)...and a good memory to help me through lonliness today:):):)...

Thanks to Akon for the beautiful song:):):)...to Woody Allen for the beautiful movie:):):)...

By the way...the reason why I think Melinda, Melinda may be one if not THE BEST Woody Allen film?...

Because...for once:):):):):):)...

Love works out for almost everyone in this movie:):):):):):)...despite themselves:):):):):):)...

And for once, Woody Allen seemed to really believe in love:):):):):):)...

Good for Woody:):):):):):)...and for the rest of us:):):):):):)...

A superb movie:):):)...

And a superb night:):):)...

I hope everyone has a great day:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben