Doing good versus looking like you're doing good in the world

I was having a quiet and sweet moment of reflection on Brandi's and my relationship, tonight, as I listened to Dar Williams' Out There Live album.

I thought about a more relaxed and less melodramatic future moment when Brandi and I might catch up. And what I might say.

It occurred to me that Brandi's biggest weakness (she'd kill me for writing this publicly, but noone reads my blog anyway:) was that she was far too concerned about how she looked to others rather than how she felt about herself.

I once really fucked up and made reference to how others perceived her family and their fighting to make a point that she and her family, like me and my family, clearly had a problem with fighting. We both had a serious problem with fighting was the truth, and the only good that came of bringing up family was to illustrate that this was a generational problem for both Brandi and I and that we both had responsibility in the issue.

It was a stupid argument, like almost every argument that Brandi and I had, in retrospect. And I feel bad about it, in retrospect, because it exposed a weakness for Brandi that I was not looking to expose: her fear that others thought badly of her or her family.

I love her family, is the truth, though I'm sure I am a distant and probably not terribly missed memory for her family (except for, perhaps, her sister Sarina, who I was somewhat close with), particularly her mom and grammy who I think thought that I was a trouble-maker who wouldn't hold down a job because I was too outspoken and not responsible enough (the truth was that I was a terrible organizer and time manager, at that point, because I didn't understand, at the time, the importance of either; I'm getting better the better I understand both).

And I just thought about what it was that was so different about Brandi and I that pried us apart. The fighting was an unfortunate commonality that I think I have largely overcome (I'm much better about giving people shit and gently expressing disagreement and saving tough and serious disagreement for important stuff that I can express as nicely as possible, but bluntly when necessary).

But one thing that was very different between Brandi and I that is very different between me and most people, truth be told, is that I am (and was) a lot less concerned about what others think about me than Brandi was/is. Brandi was defensive, as was I too much of the time, but not generally as much as Brandi. Brandi had a really hard time taking criticism or feedback and was very skilled, verbally, at deflecting it. I was not terribly skilled at giving it when I was younger, which may have worn on her. I've gotten much better and think I'm pretty good at it, today, really. It's one of my bigger strengths as a teacher, I think.

But, in the end, Brandi and I were most different in our capacity to live lives for ourselves rather than for others, I think. Where Brandi was more concerned about what others thought about her, poverty and some serious self-confidence just prepared me, better, I think, for a life where I could be myself and be more independent-minded and not be so dependent on others' views of me for what I thought or thought of myself.

I still think Brandi is one of the most confidenct, intelligent, decent, and passionate people I have ever met. Just not as much as me on any of these counts, and on the count of confidence, in particular. Brandi would likely acknowledge this if you caught her in a moment where she wasn't feeling threatened.

It's sad. I never really thought anything bad about it when she and I were friends and when she and I were dating. I just thought it was kind of vulnerable and endearing.

But now I can see that there is a dark side to this kind of insecurity. That it is always seeking ways to deflect attention from itself, to change the subject, and to avoid its own presence. It's always looking, fruitlessly, for ways to fill itself up with false pride and self-righteous assertion and positive image and other things to make one look good rather than being good, more, for real.

It's a common insecurity, really, that everyone, including me, is subject to, and that Brandi is actually far better at confronting than most people I've met in my life.

I now recognize that this is the reason why perception has gotten such discussion in the last 6 years or so. Because the truth is that most people are more concerned with how they look to others than with how they really are, sadly.

I have been more concerned with this, in the past. But I always kind of aspire to be the guy in Footloose who owns the barn across the city line and who wants to let Kevin Bacon and his friends dance, no matter what folks in town think. I just would rather follow my own drummer, generally, than follow the crowd. Brandi likes to follow her own drummer, too. But she sticks closer to the crowd than I do. And she feels less safe veering off course, even if it's a better path.

It is also what makes Brandi more concerned with how others perceive her than I am.

When I think about that, it's a pretty good reason that we were probably not made for one another. Brandi felt safer with people who kept her closer to conventional paths for life.

And I was just too independent in my thinking and in my life to live any other life but the one less traveled.

I probably will be happy making a life with a woman more like me, in this regard. But I miss Brandi. I miss our friendship. I miss knowing how she is doing. I'll miss not keeping up with her life, her kids and family, and just day-to-day interactions.

I'm sure that I will marry someone who is much more confident and independent in her life. But it would nice to know how my friend is doing in her life, despite the fact that she chose a different path.

When Brandi and I were dating, I was so in love, I would have given anything to have our love work out.

Now, with some perspective on Brandi, while I would still do almost anything to sustain real love in my life and relationships, I would never give up my independence for her or any woman. I want someone who can be independent with me and think for herself with intelligence, compassion, and understanding, not someone who has to put her finger in the air to figure out how she thinks about life.

I had that with Brandi better than I have experienced with any woman, up to this point. But in the end, it was not a commitment that Brandi could maintain, I don't think. Who knows what Brandi was/is thinking or was her rationale for leaving for good; Brandi doesn't share it and she's not around anymore to correct the record.

And the more I think about it, the more that explanation makes a lot of sense, the more I think about the kinds of people Brandi was trying to fit in with, and whose opinion - Greg's family, in particular, who seemed kind of snotty and too monied with too little purpose - I could really give two shits about.

I definitely need someone in my life and someone to help raise our children who is not so consumed. I need someone who is more honestly confident in herself and her own independent thoughts and judgments.

I just thought that person was Brandi, and I was disappointed when it became clearer that she was not choosing that kind of life.

As I write about it, I can see that insecurity in myself, as well. Something to let go of, I think. Because the truth is that noone really gives a shit how much money you make or what car you drive except out of envy, which is no good, or when they are looking to find out how they can, fruitlessly, fill that same insecurity in their own life.

I want to fall in love and spend my life with someone not so wrapped up in all that bullshit. And the truth is that this is the kind of person I would want to be with, no matter how much or little money I had. Perhaps I can start by looking at my own insecurities, in this regard, and work at being the kind of confident person that I would like to find in a woman in my life.

The truth is that doing good is not the same thing as looking like you're doing good. And doing good in the world is the only thing that's worth two shits. Because looking like your doing good, especially when you are not, is driven by fear, not by genuine confidence or a genuine concern for doing good. And looking like you're doing good lacks substance that doing good doesn't have to worry about. And, far too often, looking like you're doing good means people lying about what real good they are doing.

And in a million years, I would rather be someone who is doing good than someone who is trying, more, to look like they are doing good. And in a million years, I would rather spend my time with people like this. Especially the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with.

And I don't give a shit where that lands me in life, as long as I get to keep doing some real good in this life, of some kind, and maintain some semblance of a relatively comfortable life. I wouldn't mind having one person in my life who might more genuinely support and challenge me in that effort. But other than that, I really couldn't give two shits what others might think except insofar as they could persuade me that I am wrong about my general outlook on life or that I'm a kook who needs to humble himself in the face of far better understandings of the world and people.

I wanted Brandi to be that kind of person. Who knows. Maybe she still will be that kind of person. I can only hope so:).

I better get to bed, here:).

Happy New Year, everyone:).

Love,
Ben

I think I'm beginning to understand why the life and the democratic marketplace get so skewed

Smart is not popular. Neither is love, necessarily. And mass appeal is the key to money and power.

And the truth is that so many people, if not most people, are kind of heartsick, lost in all kinds of cynicism and hurt and pain. Most serious issues that affect our lives are matters of the heart. That's why Maslow is a much better person to reflect on the larger issues in the world than so many political observers. Because he understood this better. And because he understood, better, that matters of the heart are best addressed with the heart, not with power.

But most people don't take matters of the heart nearly serious enough, I don't think. Because it hurts. And escaping is so much easier for so many people.

So ambitious people who want to stay close to money and power play to the lowest common denominator, providing every means of escape that people might need. Whether its smart or loving or not.

And hence a world distorted by our obsession with what's popular and thus brings the money and power.

Popular fades and changes quickly. And clever, ambitious people follow those trends to keep up with the money and power. Because the obsession with money and power seems to compensate for the dissappointment with a world full of pain and its many, many sources than does coming to terms with that disappointment.

And generally people who take this path, and all of us, really, lose track of themselves and ourselves in the process.

You know what the most important reason for me not to follow those trends is? Outside of wanting to do work that actually does some good, at some point, whether it's popular or not?

Because I don't want to lose track of myself. And that's worth a lot more to me than any money or power.

And I want to spend my time with friends and family and a woman and kids who don't lose track of themselves. Because money and power is not where they are centered (my parents and some of my immediate family have some work to do in this regard, but they're getting better).

That's the best reason to teach where I teach, to do the work I do, to make the chump change I make, to do the writing that noone reads (that noone reads yet, I can only hope) and to care about a lot of stuff that most people either don't care about or take for granted, generally.

Because it keeps me honest.

As much as I actually like most people and pop culture and pop music and keep up with popular trends as much as the next person, I'd rather be honest, and know my shit stinks just like everyone else, than I would be close to all that money and power and mass appeal any day of the week.

It matters more to me to be myself than it does to get credit or the rewards. Because no credit or rewards that I have ever gotten in my life have been more important than that. One of the advantages of getting a lot of both early on in life, I suppose. But mostly just a function of caring more about me than about how people think about me. And knowing that the latter is a sad and lonely way to live.

And knowing that I'll only ever find someone who really loves me for me if I can be myself, more often than not, in their presence. And that I can only love my wife and kids and friends and family, for real, when I love myself enough, for real, that I'm willing to embrace who I am over pretending to be something else for others.

And that is the secret to a happy life. No question about that in my mind, at this point.

Good guys finish last because they keep their focus on doing good, and not on rigging the game in their favor.

But good people finish first in all the things that matter most. And that is why they are the folks from which progress flows.

Love,
Ben