Sharing stupid shit with friends

A huge problem with the modern world is the persnickety, politically correct tendency to take stupid shit that friends enjoy between one another in light-hearted, dumbass fun and turn it into a capital fucking case.

Sex, race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, dead babies, the Holocaust - nothing is off-limits as a source for humor or fun between me and my friends, with the implicit agreement that, in reality, outside of our stupid fun, we care or learn to care about people from every background and their experiences and want to see them have a good and decent life.

There is a lot of misunderstanding around humor and light-hearted fun at the expense of and with other people, I think. There is this notion that to make fun of people is some kind of meanness that has to be flushed and cleansed out of our systems by whatever various politically correct notion of appropriate punishment might do the trick. It's stupid and foolish, and it does almost zero to remove actual mean-spirited prejudices and is harsh with those who harbor them in a way that makes it harder for people to let them go. And, worse, it makes people afraid to share more innocent and inclusive "shit-giving" for fear of offending people which is exactly what brings people together: our capacity to make fun of ourselves and others and not take ourselves too seriously.

There is one really fundamental fact about people that is being perpetually fucked up, these days. And that is, if people are going to give up in themselves that which they are not proud of, they must do it with love and compassion and good humor with themselves, or else they will never be able to embrace their less noble qualities enough to get over their defensiveness and let those qualities go. And, in the meantime, it makes a lot of decent people feel ashamed of themselves when they shouldn't and when their humor reflects a healthy self-regard and love for everything they are and have been in their lives, noble and not-so-noble.

My ex-girlfriend and one of my best friends in college, Brandi Fisher, taught me this lesson better than anyone else. Brandi knew more of my picadillos than anyone else, because I trusted her enough to tell them to her. Like everyone in the world, I have had, in my life, all kinds of qualities about myself that I'm not proud of. Everyone has them. They just bullshit about them, to themselves and to one another, so much that they forget that they have them, because they don't want to face the poorly tuned music that the enforcers-of-everything-that-is-right-and-good have to offer them in this world. I've done that plenty, too, because I've been served quite enough by the maintainers-of-virtue-and-good-taste in my lifetime and I, too, do not like to be fucked over by their self-righteous grandstanding.

Noone does.

It's not honest. It makes us all terribly dishonest with ourselves and with one another. And it completely fucks up more honest conversations about important issues in everyday conversations, in formal public policy sessions, and in the world at large. It fucks everything up, really. Because like the promise of heaven at the end of a perfect life, which does not exist and cannot exist and leaves people in perpetual war with themselves in utter futility - it is very reminiscent of the World War I; lots of carnage and not much good to come of it - it is an illusion that could never be a reality even if we prayed for it every single day and night of our all-too-short lives.

And, worst of all, it leaves its perveyors permanently stupid and out of touch with reality - listening to Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi accuse President Bush of being out of touch with reality is a real hoot, because this dynamic duo is as about as connected to reality as Babe Ruth was connected with sobriety - as long as they insist on trying to make the feelings and experiences and thoughts go away when, for us to have any decent and loving sense of ourselves, they are and will forever be with us, in one way or another. Smart and decent people know that. There are plenty of smart people who are forever out of touch with what jackasses they are. And there are plenty of stupid people who are in the same boat. But most smart and decent folks know this. And most decent folks understand it anyhow.

It creates and is created by so much snottiness and feelings of superiority. There are many women who were disappointed to discover I would not date them largely because this kind of snottiness is just so incredibly distasteful to me. It's weakness parading as superiority. And I just can't abide this kind of weakness and self-bullshitting unaccounted for.

It is hard to have conversations with people who are determined in their self-righteousness, I have found. Their defenses are some of the more difficult to bring down, because they are just so goddamned sure that they are right about everything. It completely fucks up political conversations and makes it very difficult to get to even simple ideas of better policies or policy discussions as long as these often loud and all-too-self-certain voices often crowd out more reasonable and thoughtful conversation and the voices and opinions of even less reasonable and thoughtful folks who are intimidated by self-righteous bullying.

I admit to feeling intimidated, at times. But not enough to shut up. And I am fully confident that self-righteous folks always end up shooting themselves in the foot and overreaching and that more honest, more compassionate, more decent, and more-appreciative-of-all-that-is-crude-and-low-brow (as much as values of higher purpose) wins out in the end. Every fuckin' time. It's really kind of an undaunted record of history, save for regressive periods like the current one where those who capitalize on what pains us, aggravates us, scares us, riles us up, shames us, ostracizes us, or otherwise try to put decent people and their decent foibles in their place temporarily scare the shit out of us.

Until we come to our senses, that is. And come to our senses we are beginning to do after a too-long-period of letting the social and political bullies have their way.

I fuckin' hate bullies, is the truth. No matter what shape or color they come in. And I fuckin' hate politically-correct bullies more than most, I must admit. Because they enforce so much dishonesty on everyone that is a fuckin' joke if people would take two seconds to think about it beyond their immediate fears. And which reinforces every more repressive instinct that the planet has and makes sure that plenty of people die, go to prison, are hurt, have their families hurt, and are otherwise treated terribly by those among us who have learned to use our fear of others learning about all or any of our flaws against us.

I happen to like myself enough to know that it's bullshit. And that much of what keeps us and the world so fucked up is having us be quiet about it and hiding it and pretending like it's not there in our lives.

And the insane thing about it that so much of it is really just enjoying and sharing stupid shit with friends. Sharing an off-color joke. Sharing a sexual fantasy. Sharing a tongue-in-cheek and somewhat mean observation about others or ourselves. It's usually not serious or meant to be hurtful. But various social bullies have us keeping it under wraps when it doesn't need to be under wraps, if we weren't such fuckin' ninnies all the time. And the saddest thing about it is that it keeps us apart and feeling alone and unconnected with one another. It's completely counterproductive. And it gives all kinds of ammunition to the more genuinely repressive and meanspirited folks in the world - those who commit holocausts, not those who joke about them - to do all of those awful things in the world.

Most liberal peoples get this figured out over time, I'm convinced. But it's a long road to hoe, in the meantime, with a lot of people getting hurt in the meantime. The discussion amongst comedians and professional athletes and others, right now, I think are some of the more constructive ones to open up some honest space for addressing our real faults and leaving alone those things about us that really are just sharing stupid shit with friends. Pulp Fiction is this kind of guilty pleasure, where nothing is taboo. So is rock and roll. And pornography. A lot of it is light-hearted fun shared between people who have no interest in being locked into ideas of themselves or others that are dishonest just because they look cleaner.

That is why I identify with my more relaxed and politically-incorrect relatives, for all the trouble they've gotten into in their lives. Because they accept me more for who I am. And, out of the decency that they taught me, I accept myself, them, and everyone I come across for who they are. Though, having said that, laughing with our stupid and mean instincts is a way of embracing them so that we can let our serious stupidity and prejudices and self-righteousness go, not so that we can defend it. Laughing at my friends' racism is a way to get them over the racism, not to maintain it. And, similarly, laughing at the self-righteousness is a way of getting over it, not defending it.

Much of low-brow culture that I completely embrace - Larry the Cable Guy and Sarah Silverman are two of the funniest people in America, for this reason, as far as I'm concerned, and exactly like so many of my friends and family back home - is really just people sharing stupid shit with friends. And the rest of it is people learning to be better even as they aren't now.

I couldn't give two shits, anymore, about what any moral or politically correct police might think about me or what I think or what I joke about or what I say. And the more they bear down, the less I care.

And the same goes for America and the world, if they would pay attention.

You really think most Chinese people really think highly of their government? I'm sure plenty of Chinese government officials still believe that foolishness. But I'm sure most Chinese people would tell you in private that they think their government leaders are fools, even as they may have absolutely no clue about what they want to replace them.

The same goes for the thought and speech police of the world. People may watch their tongues around you. But they despise you inside. And for good reason. Because you're an asshole. And boo-fuckin'-hoo if that makes you feel bad, you fuckin' bully.

We need to be able to share more stupid shit with friends. And less policing of who we are, so that we can let it all hang out and become more genuinely good people, rather than pretending and trying to get mileage off of it.

One thing is for sure. The only route to being genuinely good people is being able to acknowledge more honestly what shitheads we can all be and most of us still are. Trying to kick the shitheadeness out of us clearly doesn't work, for anyone who cares to know and who gives two shits about people. And the only really good people I know are folks who can embrace and love people for who they really are, shitheadedness and all. If you can't do that, then you may be a close second. But you're definitely not someone I could, would, will, or could allow myself to look up to or follow. Because you haven't earned it. And if there is anything I hate more in life it is people who haven't earned it trying to get credit or rewards or, worst of all, power that they aren't due.

I had an assistant principal at my first job who thought she could impose respect where she couldn't earn it. And really she just demonstrated for me what a naive and foolish ass she was in the meantime. And that's how I think of anyone who tries to play that foolish and shortlived game with me and with themselves. Maybe you can go share some of that stupid thinking with friends and laugh about what a dumbass you were for thinking you could just assert what you haven't earned. Because God knows that's how everyone else will be thinking about you. And, sadly, that is definitely how the people in this world who really count will be thinking about you. Until you face the music and learn to laugh at yourself and all that stupid shit with friends like us, that is.

Love,
Ben