I think I've finally realized what I'm looking for in people I trust and in a soulmate.
I want someone who won't fuck with my heart. Meaning, when you try to manipulate me, and I can tell that's what you're doing, I don't trust you. I don't give a shit who you are or what your credentials or how smart or ambitious or successful or whatever you think you are. You try to manipulate me, I think you're a shithead. And I don't trust you. And I won't trust you until you stop.
Hence my antipathy for Hillary Clinton.
And what I'm looking for - in bosses, in teachers, in thinkers and writers, and most definitely in a mate - is someone who is not trying to fuck with my heart.
It's the biggest reason that I'm glad that Brandi is not in my life, right now. I don't really even value her friendship, much, anymore, at this point, for this reason.
Because I am fuckin' tired of people in my life who fuck with my heart. Who play games with me. Who try to manipulate me. Who ignore the consequences of their actions on my heart and my life because it's inconvenient for them. And who treat me like I am something to be manipulated or played with rather than a person in my own right who needs to be treated with respect and dignity and an appreciation for what I have to think and say.
And if you aren't someone who can do that, you're a shithead. And I don't really give a shit what you're excuse for that might be.
I don't trust you.
I need people in my life who I can trust. It's all relative, sadly. There are very few people who have much unqualified trust for. And the more I get treated badly in this world, the less I trust people.
That's all I want. I can do without any of the extras in life - the wealth, the power, the fame, the whatever.
All I want is people in my life who will not play games with me and fuck with my heart.
But they are very rare, sadly.
If there is anything that matters most in the world to me, it is people I can trust in my life and my daily presence. I've met enough people that I can't trust that it is nice to meet people I can trust, more.
And my soulmate needs to be someone I can trust. Someone who won't fuck with my heart. Someone who won't fuck with the hearts of my children because it seems easier than having honest discussions and differences and stronger relationships. I need someone I can turn to when my heart is feeling pained and overwhelmed by a world gone mad with its need for power and capacity to strong-arm in lieu of reason. I need this pain off my heart that always lies below the surface. And I need someone I can share it with to let it go and to feel more genuinely safe in a world generally made less safe by our own obsessions and fears and foolish and failed efforts to make it more secure.
I need someone I can trust. I trust the people I work with, right now, more than I've ever trusted people I've worked with. I still don't trust anyone, completely, anymore, after all of the bullshit I've experienced in my life. But I trust these people more.
But I need someone I trust enough to be able to share and let go of all of this pain and hard shells that have developed on my heart as I have grown hard in a world that needs more softness and decency.
I need someone in my life who will not fuck with my heart and who will help me heal it in a time when matters of the heart are taken so lightly in the name of whichever excuse we have for why we are such shitheads and why the ways we handle things fail so miserably again and again and again.
Right now, I need a beer. And some sleep. And some kind of balm for my hardened and weary heart.
An attentive ear would help. But a beer might do, right now.
Love,
Ben
