Make America proud, you whiny, scared little bitches

Michael Kinsley is offering a little bit of sanity to Washington, given the insane hall of mirrors and freakshow for liberal values that it has become, these days.

Offense Taken

"First of all, I unequivocally dissociate myself from remarks by my second cousin to the effect that my worthy opponent is a "prize bitch." My cousin is a dog breeder and thought she was being complimentary. She did not appreciate that such phraseology could give offense to certain segments of the population who are unfamiliar with dogs. Nevertheless, there is no room for canine imagery in a national political campaign, and Cousin Maisie has dropped out of our family in order to avoid causing any distraction from the central issues that we ought to be debating, such as terrorism and health care...

...Let me be absolutely clear where I stand on all of this. There is no room for sexism in a modern political campaign. There is no room for racism either. There is no room for remarks that could reasonably be interpreted as sexist or racist. In fact, given the history of sexism and racism in this country, there is no room for remarks that could even be willfully misinterpreted as sexist or racist. There is no room for rudeness, or for the appearance of rudeness. There is no room for comments of any sort by anybody a candidate might have met under any circumstances in the course of his or her life, unless they have been vetted for sexism, racism, rudeness, or the appearance of these qualities by the campaign's senior staff. There is no room for unfair accusations that the opposition candidate has engaged in sexist, racist or rude remarks, or that anyone he or she has ever met has engaged in such remarks. And of course there is also no room for perfectly fair accusations of this sort, which can be misinterpreted, and usually are.

Basically, in the modern political campaign, there is no room for remarks of any sort on any subject which could be interpreted as giving offense to anyone, and that covers just about every subject there is. Therefore, my campaign will enter a cone of silence from now until I am sworn in as president next January. And I call upon my distinguished opponent and her campaign to do the same. The stakes in this election are much too high for anyone to say anything."

It's insane how detached politics becomes from everyday life with all of the bullshit posturing that it entails.

Iranians, North Koreans, Cubans, Burmese, Chinese, Syrians, and all the rest, who hopefully and likely are becoming more convinced of liberal values must look at our system and think, "What do they believe in?" Free speech, but don't say anything that might hurt someone's feelings. Free thinking, as long as you don't piss off your boss or your professor or definitely the head of the Democratic or Republican National Committees. Free trade, but don't do anything stupid or else we'll have to put an end to all of that.

Basically, don't do anything stupid or someone's gonna get their ass kicked.

They must be looking at us and thinking, "How is that so different from the way we do things?"

And they'd be right, sadly.

It's the most fuckin' fruitloop idea of democracy I've ever seen in my life. We're going to prove just how much we care about liberal values by kicking the shit out of everyone who doesn't believe in them the way we do (which is, of course, what illiberal cultures and governments do as a regular fact of their existence and is the single most important distinguishing quality between liberal and illiberal cultures and governments).

It's fuckin' insane, is what it is. It makes no goddamn sense. Unless we're trying to defend and rationalize our illiberal impulses. Which is exactly what we're doing, of course. We just don't have the courage to admit it.

The only thing that doesn't leave me feeling that humanity is fuckin' hopeless is that we do seem to have this history of fumbling forward, somehow, through all this bullshit.

I don't know how we do it, frankly, except that our children are perpetually scratching their heads at what fuckin' morons and losers and hypocrits we all are and say, "This cannot possible be the best life has to offer."

Surely, this is not. It's a fuckin' sad spectacle, if it is.

And what fuckin' losers would we be to just lay down and say, "Well, I guess human nature is just too lame to do better."

Fuck that bullshit. Buck up little soldiers. We've got a liberal democracy to tend to, here, and liberal democratic values to live up to. Illiberal impulses, like ignorance and self-pity and the propensity to bully our way through life, are embraced, here, but not wallowed in.

Go listen to some Dixie Chicks or Toby Keith or read some Mark Twain or H.L. Mencken or watch some Stephen Spielberg or some Mike Judge and remember what it means to be someone who takes liberal values seriously.

Stop being such whiny, scared little bitches. You're Americans. And Brits. And Canadians. And French...people. And Iranians. And North Koreans. And Cubans. And Syrians. Stop being such whiny, scared little bitches and start being grown-ups.

Take freedom seriously, you cowards.

Make America proud. Make us all proud.

Let's go make something of this world.