Genuinely forgiving myself and others for our failures in our humanity:):):)...

In the midst of renewed sense of wonder...and innocence...for me, lately...

I've been flooded with some feelings of heartache...

Not bitterness, really...at all, really...

Just...some fear...and some heartache...wanting to treat others better...and to be treated better...

And a better recognition...that we're all just doing our best...and trying to get better...

And even when folks are not doing their best...that they're still on a path towards better...

A lot of people seem so clueless, much of the time:):)...just what a low standard they hold for how they treat others:):)...and treat themselves:):)...

And so wrapped up in a false self-image...that they're more decent...to others and to themselves:):)...than they really are:):)...something I'm sure I'm guilty of, as well:):)...

I fail...and I get better...and I fail...and I get better:):):)...and I fail:):):)...and I get better:):):):):)...and so my life goes:):):)...

And...as we make our way down that path...

I recognize the need to more genuinely forgive myself and others...for all the times that we have and continue to fall short of a perpetually enlarged ideal...

It's hard...

I hate being treated like shit...as does everyone else...

But...

I've come to embrace during this time...

That we only have each other:):)...

And so we either develop more patience for each and all of our learning and growth and development...including all the times and ways that we low ball our treatment of one another, as so many of us are rationalizing these days...

Or we live our lives alone...which is kind of a lonely and uninspired way to live...

It's nice, sometimes...and even good for us, I think:)...

But it's also just kind of...bland...and without much sharing of ourselves and others...where so much of life that really matters happens...

I perpetually feel bad that my blog doesn't really give people a good enough reflection, I don't think...of who I really am...

It's just not the same thing as sharing someone's life in person, I don't think:):)...though it's awesome to get a peek into peoples' lives the way that this medium allows:):):)...

Have you ever seen Kikujiro?...you really should, if you haven't already:):)...it's a really beautiful movie:):)...the best artistic direction that I think I've ever seen in a movie, really:):)...and a terribly beautiful movie about a loving child who seems to bring out the best in everyone around him:):)...including and especially the ex-gangster who signs up to take him across the country to meet his mother:):)...

We rented it for Melissa's birthday:):)...I wanted her to see what I thought was the best example of artistic direction in a movie that I'd seen:):)...in case that direction with her art and theater interests was something that she might like to take up:):)...

As well as this really terrible French film...In This Skin...which you should see if you want to push the limits of your capacity to be shocked by blood and gore in an otherwise drama...it'll shock, I guarantee:):):)...but that's about it:):):)...

And a small, experimental independent movie directed by one of my very good friends, here in Lawrence, Matt Toplikar, and his friend, Alan Wiel, called Solitaire:):)...and co-starring another of my very good friends and another aspiring film director, Brent McCall:):):)...as well as a little 10 minute piece directed by the same duo...and starring another good friend of mine and a fellow-traveling film director, Jeff Ruggles:):)...

Kikujiro...and just life, generally...remind me...

That sometimes I just wish that I knew all the directions that we should take in life...

But right now...more than any other time in my life, I think...

I'm a little at a loss...

Though still with a better sense of direction than I've ever had, as well:):):)...my compass keeps getting better all the time:):):)...

And admitting to others that I don't know the directions, much of the time...is part of getting a better sense of direction, I think:):)...

I think I have a pretty extraordinarily strong compass, much of the time, really...

It's just that no compass is always on target, completely...

Sometimes...we have to get lost, I think...to know what it is to be found...

And sometimes we are lost, I think...even as we're finding our way:):)...

Much of the time we're lost, I think...even as we are finding our way...

I miss having someone around with a comparably strong compass...

Someone to share the burden with...someone to find direction with...someone I can rely on to ease my heart...when my capacity for direction seems overtaxed by so much pressure to go this way or that...

Someone who can steer me, better...when I'm too tired to drive...

There's this really beautiful imagery in Kikujiro...around the idea of angels...

The boy carries a small, light blue backpack:):)...with angel wings on the back:):)...

Mister -- the ex-gangster -- intimidates two motorcyclists...to give him an angel bell...that one of them carries on his bike:):)...

And these gorgeous artistic images of angels descend on the boy...and figure in these incredible dream sequences...and transitions...that feature the amazing artistic direction of this moving little story:):):)...

I'm not looking for an angel, really:)...

I'm looking for an ordinary girl...who aspires to be better...than me...than her own best...every day...till the day she dies...to care for me...in the same and better sometimes not-so-hot ways that I care for her...

To love me...and to teach me to love...better...deeper...wiser...more profoundly...than I could learn on my own:):)...

I'm really tired:)...I should get some sleep:):)...

Hope everyone has a beautiful day:):):)...

Love,
Ben