It's lonely, sometimes, caring about people...

I'm feeling like shit, this morning...so be warned...this is a vent...

I have three ex-girlfriends that I've written or called in the last year who have gotten married and are not returning communication...I have a couple of friends that I just got in touch with in the last few months who have not written back...

I think I've given up on a friendship with Brandi...which is breaking my heart, right now, because she was the best friend I ever had and we promised after we broke up that we would not stop talking with each other just because we met other people and now, for the first time since we broke up, I'm not sure if I'll ever hear from her again...

I would rather live with my heart open and breaking occasionally than with my heart closed for fear of having it break...

But that last one is quite the heartbreak...

I hate this world, sometimes...with all its pettiness and its defensiveness and its jealousy and its possessiveness and its bitterness and all the ways that we fuck up our own lives and the lives of people around us...

But I hate this one most of all...because Brandi really wasn't just my girlfriend...she really was the best friend I had ever had...

When we broke up, it took a long time, but I finally made my peace that we wouldn't be together, again, as a couple...but Brandi promised that we wouldn't lose our friendship...and now that seems to be gone, for all practical purposes, too...

What a fucked up world we've created, here...this world where we pretend that we've resolved problems and situations that we clearly haven't...where we pretend that we've found solutions to problems that aren't solved...where we pretend like the way that we do things makes them better when they don't...

I wish I could say I felt safe sharing this stuff with someone in my life...I share it with Melissa, but I don't think she really cares, frankly...Brandi was the person I shared this sort of stuff with...but I can't anymore, for all practical purposes...

I just sit and listen to Hootie for comfort, because I don't trust anyone else to provide it...

I guess for Brandi I was just some cute guy to spend some time with and maybe date, at some point...

But Brandi never was that to me...I didn't even think about dating her when I first met her...she was really just my best friend for a year who I didn't think about, romantically...

And had I known that this would be the consequence, I don't know if I would have dated her...I would have missed out on so much had I not...but I'm missing out on so much, now, that I did...

All I know is that any marriage or relationship that needs distance from ex's is on weak ground...I don't plan on doing that with Brandi or Jenny or Kathleen -- the three ex-girlfriends who haven't written or called back -- or any of my ex-girlfriends, in the future...and I don't care what my girlfriend or wife has to say about the matter...I don't sell out friends for love...I don't sell out friends for anything and I don't sell out anything for love or anything else, for that matter...

When Brandi and I were dating, I didn't even think twice about going to spend time with Jenny to comfort her after her divorce...and I just won't live like so many people do, scared of themselves, scared of their feelings...its weak and cowardly and I won't live like that...I don't need or want to protect myself from my feelings...or to protect anyone else from their feelings...if I'm dating someone who needs her feelings protected, she is definitely the wrong girl for me...

I guess that is the major way that I am different from a lot of people...I have no interest in living my life scared...scared of every little feeling or consequence or thought or influence or whatever that I just don't think I can handle or that I'm afraid might challenge me or that I've just convinced myself that I have to isolate myself from...

I'm just not a coward like so many people are...and I refuse to live my life like that...

Hiding behind ideology or marriage or religion or ethnicity or gender or intelligence or money or rock star status or gang affiliation or being a bad-ass or all of the million ways that people hide themselves in corners so that they don't have to reach beyond themselves and connect with people is cowardly and weak...and I have no interest in being cowardly and weak in that way...or in any way, frankly...and I have no interest in hearing peoples' excuses for why they do...why when the world gets polarized, they just give in rather than hoping and working for something bigger and better...

I'm no coward...and I don't give a shit how many people are...

Figuring out which group you belong to and who doesn't belong in your group takes no courage, at all...it is the essence of cowardice, really...and it is the polarizing tendency that has taken hold of the country and the world in the last 6 years or so...a brilliant and proud way to welcome in the 21st century, don't you think?

It's lonely and painful keeping your heart open like that, sometimes...we just had a very nice conversation about that at our school this last Friday...about how hard it is to keep saying hi to kids or teachers when they don't say hi back...how hard it is to keep your heart open to kids and people who shut their heart down...

And I just think Brandi's shut her's down to me, even though she promised she wouldn't do that...

It's so amazing to me how much courage so many adults have when they're young...how much more open their hearts are, often...and then shut them down as they get older...some people open their hearts up, more...but a lot of people just get lost in their cowardice...

But there is no progress without courage...as individuals...and as a culture...

And I'm not so tied to any friend or family member or ex-girlfriend to hang up my own learning and growth until they learn to take up more courage to promote their own learning and growth...

I'm learning that this is how all of the most serious foolishness and injustices in the world remain in our midst for so long...because, as Bobby Kennedy said...true moral courage is rare...most people will never dare to risk the rejection or approbation of their peers to demonstrate it...that's why we always look back on our ancestors and shake our heads...because courage is rare...and most people are too scared to shake loose of even the most terrible legacies for fear of looking bad to their peers...and most people are too scared to look honestly at themselves to face up to that personal legacy...

And, right now, you have cowards leading cowards...people too afraid to think for themselves following people too afraid to imagine something better...

With Brandi, I had a friend to imagine things better with...someone who believed, at one time...

And now, I'm afraid, I don't have that or much of anything with her...

Why does the world have to be so full of so much senseless tragedy?

I've dealt with a lot of it in my lifetime, like everyone else, I imagine...

But this one is taking the cake, right now...

Why do so many people grow up only to shut their hearts down?...Why do we pretend that this is what being a grown up involves?...

And most importantly...why do we think anyone, nevertheless our children, should follow our lead when we do so with such cowardice?

Maybe that's why we insist...because deep down we're afraid that maybe our lead isn't worth following...perhaps we don't deserve it...but we insist on it anyway...that may or may not fair...but working with people to be responsible for their own lives is not only a more sustainable way to supporting the learning and growth and progress of a culture...it is the way that involves more courage, because it means learning to trust people to make judgments on their own, rather than with some sense of omniscience on our or other peoples' parts...

Well, I don't insist that Brandi be my friend...if she doesn't want to be my friend, then fuck her...

I don't insist that anyone be my friend...or that anyone listen to a goddamn thing I say...

It wholly possible that I'm just completely or even substantially full of shit...

But if people don't listen because they want to be small and petty and weak, then so be it...I just don't want anyone to insist that I follow their small and petty and weak asses if they don't have the courage to be bigger...
And when people do insist...which they inevitably do...I just want them to know that they will never have my heart or mind until they live an example or have an idea worthy of following...

I don't give a shit how many times Brandi sells me out...I'll never sell her out...or any of my friends...ever...it's not in me...my door is always open...

I guess that I'm just aware, now, that I am out on this limb completely on my own, at this point...and so be it...
True friendship is extremely rare, I'm learning...perhaps it is always just beyond reach...because we are all such fuckin' cowards...

But what a lonely world it would be if there was no hope for something better...

Love,
Ben