The Annie soundtrack...
Melissa and I have been listening to the Annie soundtrack all day while we've cleaned, she's done homework, and I've graded math work...
Brandi kind of spoiled the Annie soundtrack, somewhat, and a whole slew of movies and music for me for now...after listening to the Annie soundtrack for the umpteenth time, today, I'm starting to be able to appreciate it independent of Ms. Fisher (the reason why she got me excited about the album is now far too sadly ironic to really let me think about her, too much, while I'm listening to the soundtrack)...
It's kind of dulled my sense of wonder with the world...having Brandi abandon our friendship...
I've lived through a lot...I've studied humanity at its worst for enough time, now, to know how ugly the world can be...still, it's when someone let's us down, personally, that really gets to us, isn't it?...I'm sure many people must feel this way with me, often, so I can't really hold it against Brandi...
When I was a kid, that song...Tomorrow...would just fill me full of wonder and hope and faith in the world...
I'm working up to hope and faith, these days...with everyone, really...it's not just Brandi...it's just that Brandi has been the biggest disappointment...not because she's been such a shitty friend...people fuck up...but because she just can't find it in her to say, "I'm sorry"...
People are kind of shitty lot, often, obviously...but when you have someone who represents something better, it does something for the soul...
And when those people give up on that, even for awhile, the dissappointment is deeper, for me at least...
I have that kind of disappointment with America, right now...I love her...but she's really in bad shape, right now...and she's pretending that she's doing better than she really is...and it's just kind of letting everyone down, right now, I think...
I feel the same about Brandi...
I love this album...but I can't listen to it in any other way but half-hearted anymore these days...and I'm a pretty hopeful guy, much of the time...
It just reminds me that I can't do it alone, if I wanted to...others have got to pitch in, too...and Brandi was someone who for a good long while was someone I could always count on pitching in...
Sadly...I don't really count on her for much of anything, these days...except as a source of persistent disappointment and heartache...
So I try to listen to Annie independent of Ms. Fisher the best I can and hope that I'll encounter a friend, soon enough, who makes Brandi feel like a distant, unreliable, but forgiveable friend who hasn't really earned the place in my heart that she has, out of my generosity rather than because she's really merited it...
I know the conventional wisdom by cynics is that generosity is taken advantage of because people can...
But I just kind of think that's one long excuse for what shitheads people are who somehow want to blame my decency for their shitheadedness...including the cynics...
And my decency is responsible for noone's shitheadedness...it's the lifeline they have for imagining themselves being something better, should they choose to be better people...
That includes Brandi...
And that's what I love about Annie...it's a tribute to how all of us can be better people even amidst the cruelties that life has to dish out...
"Just thinking about tomorrow clears away the cobwebs and the sorrow, till there's none...when I'm stuck with a day that's gray and lonely...I just stick out my chin and grin and say, 'Oh...the sun will come out tomorrow...so you gotta hang on till tomorrow...come what may'...Tomorrow, tomorrow...I love ya, tomorrow...you're only a day away"...
Till tomorrow...
Love, Ben
