Sunday, November 27, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving...

I had a really great Thanksgiving...

Ate and visited with with family...met up with some friends in Wichita and talked for hours:):):)......hung out with family...all my family in Wichita...my dad and step-mom, my sister, her boyfriend, and her two daughters...met up with my Grandma Miller (my holidays are all primarily spent with my dad's mom...the grandma who has totally been there for us much of our lives, my Grandma Sutherland)...played with the kids...had a great talk with my sister and her very nice, very decent boyfriend...the first nice guy that Liz has brought home, I think (I've always gotten along with my sisters' boyfriends...but Drew is authentically a nice guy...which is a refreshing and healthy change of pace for her, I think:):)...

Discussed and debated politics...which becomes more interesting the clearer it becomes how much some of my family, and lots of folks, of course, spend too much of their lives in the propaganda circles and swimming in the political bullshit:):):)...

The weekend totally grounded me...

Humble folks, for the most part...living humble lives, for the most part...and a healthy andidote to the impossible bullshit that often passes for decency that I and everyone has to deal far too much with in our lives...

My friend, Christy, introduced me to her really great husband and daughter...and we had a great time catching up...and talking...and playing video games:):)...

And watching videos of Christy and I and our friends in high school...

And the whole time I'm watching the videos, I'm thinking...we were all pretty good kids...it was really great watching us growing up...and being kids...I've never seen video of myself at this age...an age with I was very much exploring life in broader ways than I ever had before...and I was a pretty sweet kid, I think:):)...it gave me some perspective on my life...and how good a guy I've been...not always...but it gave me some perspective on what I good guy I've been most of my life...and some reason to be proud...my acting skills could have used some improvement, for sure:):)...but I was a pretty good kid:):):)...

It's nice being with people who know you and love you...it's grounding:):)...and it is nice, I have to say, to remember, that life doesn't have to be on fast-forward all the time...that life is fine and getting better...the more we work at it...but that it doesn't have to be a race to some kind of finish...no matter how much people push us or one another, as they still struggle to learn to be more decent people...

And to get some really great feedback about how much thoughtfulness really matters...and how much taking it seriously serves me...and serves all of us...

And...how it's still nice, sometimes...to just let go, for a while...and just relax and enjoy life:):)...

Some really great conversations...about movies...about education...about high school...about religion...about science...about politics...and about life...

And a really grounding Thanksgiving, overall...and a reminder about how important it is having mature people in your life who love you...as well as being loved by and loving the younger and less mature folks in your life, as well:):)...

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving:):)...

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Why I have the most bad-ass life in the fuckin' world:):):)...

I was just thinking today...as I was teaching today...and after school...

That I have the best goddamned life in the fuckin' world, I think:):)...

There's this really hot teacher at school who I think has something of a crush on me:):):)...it's so funny:):)...she's got that sly, slutty look when I first meet her:):)...and now I think she's got something of crush...she's actually the teacher I'm most attracted to, at this point, I think...she's smart...and she's real...meaning she's herself...she's not all fake smiley teacher-like...nor is she's not all bitchy...a little...but she's getting a lot better...she's just kind of smart and real...and she's getting nicer the more time I spend with in her classroom:):)...

There is no life like being a teacher...and an intellectual...I respect a lot of other options...I respect the idea of being a police detective...or being in the military...or politics...or an economist or or investment banker...or theater or movies...or a million different options...and definitely of doing non-profit work...which is still a possibility in my future, given my policy interests:):)...

But there is no life I can imagine quite as meaningful...

As teaching...and scholarship...and doing good for the world...

No better life...period...no exceptions...

Leaving school early...and going through all the shit I've gone through...and working all the joe jobs I worked out of school...

Were all really good for me, I think...

There have been too many hassles involved with leaving early than I could ever count, really:):):)...

But so many advantages, too...

I have so much more perspective on financial fears, risks and opportunities, now, than most people I know, by far...

I am so goddamn appreciative of the market...and all the opportunities it offers me and everyone, really...

I have a lot more perspective on so many of the bitches and moans that people have, generally, in their workplaces...including and especially in schools...

And most important for this job...after spending so much time with so many adults who act so poorly...especially young adults:):)...

It is a real joy to work with even the most poorly behaving kids...who, generally, are far better behaved than so many of their adult counterparts...including some of my very good and very immature friends here in Lawrence:):):)...I can't say that my kids are better behaved than Brandi...she's pretty well behaved...though I'm realizing, upon reflection, that she has some maturity issues to work through, too, I think:):):)...

It's so sad when even the special ed kids are better behaved than your friends...but it's true:):):)...

Do you realize...that at the age of 32...I have more original ideas...I have more work in front of me...I have more to offer the world...than most people have in their entire lives?...

I am a serious bad-ass:):):)...

I have been seriously challenged by at least 5 kids, now, my first three days of school...and I am invariably winning their respect...

Why?...

Because I am a serious bad-ass, that's why...

And because I don't have conflict with them except when it's absolutely necessary...and when I do...they know I mean business...

And for all of my many, many doubters and heel-biters:):):)...

Eat my fuckin' dust:):):)...

I'm headed to Wichita:):)...have a Happy Thanksgiving, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Sunday, November 20, 2005

I miss my friend...

You ever have fuck-ups in your life that stand out as the most serious ones?...

I do...

I've fucked up a lot in my life...

I've been a shitty son...and a shitty brother...and a shitty student...and a shitty teacher...and a shitty team member...and a shitty millions of things in my life...

But the one I really regret...

Was being a shitty friend...boyfriend...and then friend again...to both the very best friend I have had in my life, Brandi...and her husband, Greg...who've I've not even met...and I was shitty to him, I'm afraid...

I'm working on my on-line banking confirmation of information notice in my email...

And I decide to play Darryl Worley's I Miss My Friend...

And I just realized that the one most important fuck-up that I've had in my life...was how shitty I treated Brandi...and Greg...

I was demanding...and pushy...and domineering...and too quick to conflict...

And just, generally, kind of dick...

And it is the most serious mistake, generally, that I have ever made in my life...

Most of the places in my life where I have been shitty have been around being too demanding and pushy and domineering and quick to conflict, I think...

And now that I am at a place in my life where I've gotten pretty good at being a pretty decent guy...

It just becomes so much clearer to me just how hard I was on Brandi...

I found out my grandma had a potentially terminal illness...and I need someone to talk with...because it's devastating me...and I ask Brandi, when she is in Wichita, next, to go talk with my grandma...since Brandi is the friend I have that my grandma seemed to hit it off with the best...I don't get a response...and I go off in an email telling Brandi to get just get her ass over to my grandma's house when she's in Wichita and to stop making everything about me and her and her new marriage...

I'm such a dick, sometimes...

I've been a dick so many times with Brandi I can hardly count them all...at one level...it makes sense...we did talk most days or spend almost every day together for about 5 years...and I still consider her one of the closest friends I've ever had in my life, even if we talk rarely, if at all, these days...

But at another level...

It doesn't matter...

When we're dicks...we're still dicks...and we're still responsible for being dicks...

Most people don't take responsibility for being dicks very well, I don't think...really...it's much of the thesis of my work...

So...I have a policy of no excuses...within reason...there are limits to all of our abilities...no matter how much we might want to transcend them...

I have many things I wish I could have done better in my life...

I wish I could have found a better way for Tom and I to work together during my grad program...where I could finish the program...and not always have Tom on my back about one thing or another, completely oblivious, apparently, that I might be in grad school for my own purposes as well as for the purposes that he might have for me...there's a big part of me that would like to have been more patient with Tom's impatience and pushiness and general lack of appreciation that I was in grad school for reasons bigger than his own dreams and ambitions, even, and that he needed to be humble in the face of that...and not constantly be on my ass...

I wish I could have somehow been a better teacher/role-model/whatever for my friends here in Lawrence that I'm so frustrated with, right now...to somehow get underneath whatever bullshit and cynicism and general denial of how their bullshit affects me, them, and all of our relationships...and how they're ignoring it and covering under layers of drug use did not make it go away...and was seriously hurting our relationship...no matter how much they wanted to wish it away...

I wish I could have been a better brother to my sisters and brother...and a better son to my father...and my mom...while she was with me...and even after...I wish I wouldn't have been such a dick so much of the time...I wish that I could have somehow matured without having to make so many serious mistakes as a child and a young man...

Of course...I and noone can have any of these or similar such wishes about the past come true...it just ain't possible...something that too many people have such a hard time coming to terms with, I think...

But the fuck up I wish I could take back...more than any other that I've made in my life...because it involved someone closer to me than I've ever been close with someone similarly again, since...

Is fucking up my friendship with Brandi...and being shitty to her husband, Greg...who I've never met...and who I'm sure is a good guy, given Brandi's judgment...which...while not as good as mine:):):) (I love giving Brandi shit:):):)...she's very competitive:):):)...so she hates hearing shit like that:):):)LOL:):):)...is pretty good...so I'm sure Greg is good guy:):):)...

I swear to God that I have navigated this and all of my experiences with Brandi (and everyone, really) as well as I possibly could...

But...that just seems to be life, too much of the time...

That our goals in life are perpetually just somewhat beyond our grasp...

And my goal of being a really outstanding friend to Brandi...who really has been a pretty outstanding friend to me -- not as outstanding a friend as I've been to her, of course:):):)...but still pretty outstanding:):):) -- has just been perpetually just outside of my grasp...

Anyway...

This is the fuck up in my life that I regret most...

I miss my friend...

Have a great week, everyone...

Ben

The complicated question of a pullout in Iraq...

Army Girl...

...has a really interesting set of letters that I think folks should check out...

Military folks and family members, some with members they have lost, weighing in as non-partisan as they can on the prospect of a pullout from Iraq...

It's a complicated question, I think...

My first thought...is that Iraqis need to be ready to handle the difficult security issues on their own...and Americans, like it or not, are just better prepared to deal with a whole host of tactical security issues than are Iraqi soldiers...

But the key issue that prompts discussion of an American pullout...is that public opinion in Iraq does seem to support a pullout...and has for quite a while, now, from the polls I've seen (though I totally grant that I may not have seen enough of those polls, at this point)...

The question is...are Iraqis ready to handle their own security issues...and I'm not sure they are...

But...if Americans leave...the big question is...will the insurgency die down...for lack of an American presence...

I, honestly, don't know how to answer that question...I am pessimistic about Iraqis' being able to handle security issues, on their own, as is...I'm quite confident that American military leaders are doing their best to prepare Iraqis to handle those issues on their own...and I'm quite confident that once they and their Iraqi counterparts say that they feel confident in the potential success of a U.S. pullout, that they will say so...

And I haven't heard them say so, yet...

I've heard ordinary Iraqis say that they're ready for a pullout...I've heard Democrats and some Republicans in Congress say that they're ready for a pullout...

But I haven't heard the Iraqi men and women who will be responsible for that security situation...and the Americans and others who are training them say that they are ready, yet...

If Americans leaving will get fewer people killed...then obviously it would be a good idea...

But if Iraqi military, law enforcement, and others responsible for security would be overwhelmed by an insurgency that will only shift its wrath from Americans to the coalition-alligned Iraqi government...then there is serious concern about what will better facilitate a better security situation in Iraq...

The two groups that are not being asked what they think about a pullout...whose thoughts on the situation matter most...

Are Iraqi servicepeople...and American servicepeople...especially their leadership...and others...who can give a better idea of realities on the ground...

I would definitely encourage the American people to show patience with this process until these folks can be consulted...to make security decisions that have life and death consequences for many Iraqis as well as Americans...

Have a great week, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Why I love the path I've chosen:):):)...

It is so interesting...listening to Bill Clinton's memoirs...how even a remarkably more thoughtful politician like Bill Clinton...can be too much focussed on political strategy...and not enough on policy ideas...

Bill is a very good man, I think...and a really thoughtful politician...far more thoughtful than most people in politics...

But his memoirs are still too caught up in campaigning and wins and losses...and not enough in ideas and profound wisdom about life, generally...though there is plenty of that, too, in this memoirs:):)...if you get a chance, I definitely recommend them:):)...

And listening to them...reminds me of more idealistic and broad-minded leadership in the country's recent history...and reinforces for me why I'm so glad that I decided to spend my time working on issues like education and poverty, on the ground, and ideas, for the long term...there is just so much more profound good that can be done for people by thinking deeply about the issues we all face...and developing constructive ideas to deal with them more effectively:):)...and how much useful, stupid bullshit stands in for important ideas and directions in too much democratic politics:):):)...

The New York Times writes an interesting article, today, about the most recent Supreme Court ruling on lawsuits by parents of children in special education against school districts...

Special Education's Rule Effects Unclear...

It's a good ruling, I think...there is plenty to improve in public and private education for students in special education or students who might be in special education settings were it not for more successful and effective school and classroom efforts...

But lawsuits will not make things better...period...no way...

The things that need to get done to make things better in schools for kids, generally, and for kids facing the biggest challenges in schools, which kids in special education often are, can only be done with more people from all kinds of backgrounds -- teachers, parents, administrators, students, community members, district personell...everyone -- taking more and more authentic responsibility for their own and for one anothers' success in school...

That is often easier said than done, frankly...but it still must be done...at all schools...that serve all children...

I'm fairly committed to and clear that the best ideas around improving this situation are those who want to offer kids and teachers and administrators and schools more freedom and autonomy -- which better support more responsibility and self-governance, which we want kids, as much as teachers and administrators, to learn -- with reform options like public school choice, charters, vouchers, and a more general and clearer commitment to improving school environments by giving children and others more freedom to learn and grow, which allow people to make more mistakes, more quickly and learn more over time, as a consequence...and, in the course of that...to hold everyone to a higher expecation and allow them to hold themselves to a higher expectation of responsibility than they generally hold themselves to, now...

Melissa and I were just talking, today, about the problem of political propaganda in contemporary democracy...how it distorts and manipulates serious and thoughtful democratic discussions...and what to do about it...

And how, I told her, when I was in grad school, studying radicalism on the right and on the left, reading David Horowitz' journey from radical left to radical right...and seeing how little David had actually learned about his own self-righteous tendencies and the ways that they undermined more thoughtful engagement on important political matters...

I realized that there really wasn't anything you could do...except hold everyone to a higher standard...to expect everyone to think more...to see through the bullshit of campaigns and political discourse that too often dominates because self-righteous political and party activists and polemnicists can't conceive that they may, just possibly, not have all the answers to the various problems the world faces...and my own terribly radical idea that intelligent discussion would be a better way to work through difficult problems in the world...

And the only way to get us there...is to build on the already really great work being done in schools like Eisenhower Middle School where I work in Kansas City, Kansas...to raise the bar for everyone...kids, teachers, administrators, school district personell, law enforcement, advocates, judges, legislators, Presidents and other politicians, business leaders and business employees, artists, writers...you name it...

The only way forward...ever...on a whole host of issues we all face...

Is by raising the bar for everyone...

And that doesn't happen by trying to beat others in submission...or suing them into submission, as the parents in this suit were looking to do...

It is done by leading people to think more deeply, clearly, and profoundly about the very serious issues that we all face...

And...as at my school...and every school...there are some people who are going to do this better than others...guaranteed...

And everyone is still accountable to that highest standard...

The great thing about growing up...is realizing that there is no need to bow down before peoples' selfish expectations...to lower the curve...to make it easier for them...because...you get far enough in education...you realize that this stuff means something...and that the problems that education is meant to address in the world...do not get easier just because the people dealing with them get frustrated doing the work...

For me...or for my students...

The war in Iraq, right now, is a brilliant illustration of this principle, I think:):):)...

Somewhere in the range of 90% of the people I hear talking about the war know dick-squat about what they're talking about...I'm glad they're involved...it's important that they care enough to be involved...though more humility would be a refreshing contribution to that conversation...

And the people who do seem to understand, better, what's going on...are the folks who take thinking about that situation...and its deepest implications...the most seriously...

Same goes for schools...same goes for domestic policy...same goes for business...same goes for military affairs...same goes for criminology and law enforcement...same goes for all kinds of sciences, of course...

Same goes for life...

And there is no politician...no leader...no thinker, even...who will ever change that...

What we can do...is expect everyone to think better...and about the deeper and more profound implications of their choices...and to be as free to do that as possible...

Why we would look to politics...with so many people persistently avoiding responsibility...to demonstrate what it means to be responsible (though, for many people...folks are far more responsible than they, themselves, are)...I will never understand...

The most responsible people in cultures, generally...are the folks who think deepest and most profoundly and innovatively about their most serious problems...and I am honored to be able to do that kind of work...

Today, with Melissa...as I'm feeling more confidently about the implications of my own ideas...specifically least possible necessary aggression...but a lot of other alligned ideas, as well, that promote peoples' freedom to develop a stronger sense of responsibility to tackle their most serious social and other problems...

I'm asking her...

Do you realize the implications of my work, if I'm right...which I feel more confident about the more I work with them?...

Genocide...dictatorships...terrorism...murder...rape...kidnapping...and other violent crimes...political repression...poverty...stronger economies and funding for a whole host of issues...political and financial corruption...drug abuse...gang activity...

There are very few serious social issues that are not, in some way, touched by this work...

It is very exciting, I have to say...

And I'm prouder than pumpkin pie to be able to do this stuff...and to facilitate school and policy development that will both give people more freedom and to contribute more thoughtfully to a process of dealing with these issues, as well:):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

Friday, November 18, 2005

A job I can love...

I have definitely found my calling...

Do you how much...after you've dealt with enough of the worst that the world has to offer...

How satisfying it is to work with children?...who...no matter what they're behavior...generally seem like such angels compared to their adult counterparts...

Do you realize how great it is to know that work you do, today...could help a kid create a future for themselves that they may never have imagined for themselves in quite the same way before you met them?...

To inspire kids to believe in themselves...and to help them and challenge them to take responsibility for themselves in ways that give them the skills to match that belief with a tangible reality?...

Do you realize just how satisfying it is to know that you are changing what can too often seem like a pretty fucked up world, much of the time...just by being a decent human being to some kid or some class of kids?...

Do you realize how much idealism pays...in all the ways that really count in the world?...

And how much all the smaller ways I've ever had in my life of looking at the world (of which there have been many) begin to look so foolish and shortsighted, in retrospect?...

I wish Brandi was able to share this with me...we both worked so hard to have this kind of impact on kids' and peoples' lives...I hope she's enjoying her fair share of this feeling in her own more private life, right now...she deserves to...her work was critical in shaping me and helping me to be able to see the world like I do, today, and to make this kind of impact that I see, each day, with these kids...and Greg, too...who also deserves this feeling...given how much he's supported Brandi and has his own convictions, in this regard...even as both of them have put up with my bullshit, in the meantime...

But...for right now...this is something I share with people I love...and with myself...and with whomever I might meet along the way...

There's a girl I'm interested in...I've never met her...I don't even know if she's available, actually...she just impressed me the first and last time I saw her...and I haven't had that feeling in quite some time, really...she's not a teacher...though I love the teachers I work with:)...I'm just not convinced that any of them could top Ms. Fisher...which is about the only way that I'm going to find real love, I'm pretty convinced at this point...

But this girl has a decent shot...she's an actress...and I imagine other things in her daily and professional life...and she's pretty impressive, really...she'll probably turn out to be married:)...the good ones are always snapped up:):)...but it's worth a shot:):)...

And she's seems ambitious...as well as like a really decent human being:)...which is important to me:):)...because I need someone who will challenge me to grow and be a better person and to be better than I imagine for myself, even now...

It's been a long time since I've felt that feeling with a woman...in that way that you know that you're destined to be with one another...even if it's just for the short time that she believes that...

I haven't felt the idealism I feel right now since I was in school, myself...I've missed it something terrible...and I am pleased as punch to get it back, again...

I will spend the rest of my life...with every breath I breathe...with every ounce of energy I have to offer...to do good by this world...to make it a better place to live...whether people understand what or how I do what I do or not...

While I promise with as much honest sincerity that I have to offer that I will be engaging in falsifiability tests of my ideas as rigorously and as aggressively as possible (since, if I'm wrong, more aggression and not less is needed in life:):)...

While I am totally genuine in my desire to make the strongest case against my ideas that I can muster...which is an on-going project...that I am working on with free time I'm able to piece together...

While I promise to do this...

I have to say...that...at least in my daily life...

I'm pretty convinced that I'm onto something really big, right now...it just feels right...intuitively...and falls together, right...intellectually...

In two days...I've just got this inkling...that I'm going to realize this dream...this sometimes seeming impossible dream...to contribute understandings and efforts to the world that could very well significantly improve the way the world relates and treats one another and deals with its most terrible problems and tragedies...at least in the social and political and psychological and economic and educational and criminological and diplomatic and military worlds...I think these ideas are that far-reaching (though notice I've done nothing for cancer or AIDS or to build the longer lasting light-bulb in my lifetime...Captain Miller would be so disappointed:):)...

And I'm so proud I could cry:):)LOL:):)...

I wish so badly I could find another young, mature idealist to share this all with...but I've got to find someone who can top Ms. Fisher...and I just can't find her, yet...

She's out there, somewhere...I know it...it's just finding her...

But...in the meantime...I know that I am satisfied with knowing that I am making a pretty impressive start, I think, as a young teacher...

And I have a lifetime of this to look forward to:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):)...it may get cold and snowy:):)...dress warm:):)...

Love,
Ben

Thursday, November 17, 2005

First day of school...

Amazing day:):)...a great faculty:):)...amazingly well-behaved kids:):)...what a far better job these teachers do with these kids than teachers did in my day:):)...as incredible a job as my teachers did:):)...

I can see...my day is coming...kids from this generation are going to kick my lilly white ass:):):)...great kids:):)...

Can I say that I am a remarkably kick-ass teacher, though?:):):)...I still have so much to learn:):)...and so much that I'm learning from these teachers, in particular:):):)...

But I am a teaching motherfucker, is what I am:):):)...I did excellent, today:):):)...and I think that my colleagues recognized that:):)...

I'll write more about it, later:):)...

But...for now:):)...I've got to sleep:):)...so I can wake up at 5:30 to make the commute:):)...

I hope everyone gets to work somewhere as supportive and productive and purposeful and inspired as my job at Eisenhower Middle School:):):)...

And if not...go find that job...noone should spend their days doing anything less than something they love with all their heart:):):)...

You know what the best thing is about this kind of job...about this job...for me?...

That I think I'm finally finding myself able to...genuinely...despite so many disappointments in this regard that I can hardly count them...to make some peace...and...down the line...make some final peace, I hope...with the fact...

That we are all just human beings...with limitations...

And that...not matter how hard we try...though we can get better...

That is all that any of us...no matter what struggles or hardship that we might go through...and no matter what the shares of responsibility on this...

That is all that any of us can be...

And as heartbreaking as that can often be...given how shitty we treat each other, sometimes...

That this is the only fate that we have...no matter how hard we try...no matter how much or how little responsibility that any of us take...though its so much clearer to me, now, that some of us take far, far more responsibility than others:):):)...

That this is the end of the road, in this respect...

And that the only way forward for humanity...is the more we recognize and accept this...sincerely...and commit ourselves to our own learning and growth, accepting those limitations...

And that...paradoxically...the more we accept those limitations...the more we learn and grow:):):)...as individuals:):):)...and as a human family:):):)...

And a heartfelt thank you to every teacher, coach, parent, family member, friend, lover, and otherwise decent person in my life who has ever practiced or even tried to practice that kind of acceptance of my own limitations and humanity in my own lifetime:):):)...I love you all...and I really appreciate your patience and love and wisdom and compassion and appreciation for me and my efforts and limitations:):):)...

Have a great week, everyone:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Tomorrow...I teach...

KCK (Kansas City Kansas) called today:):)...I talked with Eisenhower principal, Dr. Freda Ogburn, today:):)...

I work tomorrow morning:):)...

They have a substitute teacher in there, right now...and I'll learn about what the kids are doing and what her schedule is, right now, until I learn the ropes of the kids' situations, right now:):)...then I'll plan lessons for the Monday after Thanksgiving:):)...and I'll be off:):)...

I'm excited, mostly:):)...I think I want to show the kids Hoop Dreams...just to get a discussion going about dreams and what these kids' dreams are for themselves...

I want them to think about this special ed classroom as a stepping stone toward achieving whatever dreams their hearts desire...and my job being to help them get there...in part, through strengthening their academic skills...but also, in part, by thinking about what they might want to do with their lives...generally, of course...they are in middle school, after all:):)...

And that movie is a great realistic picture of two teens working to achieve their particular dreams -- playing professional basketball -- while dealing with a whole host of realities of the inner city that my kids likely have some experience with or at least know about, generally...and about the relationship between school and those dreams:):)...with a realistic picture of the important role that school plays in even a dream like playing professional basketball:):)...

It's a pretty decent sized pay increase...so I can get my school loans and other debts in order...which has been a major league pain in my ass for the last three years...which I've only had the vaguest hope of getting resolved since I've always made only barely enough money to pay rent and utilities and basic expenses...and certainly no serious luxuries (I haven't led a spartan lifestyle...but I have, generally, only had enough for basic needs)...which is a serious relief to me...I am the guy who voluntarily paid tax on scholarships in school that most people wiggled their way out of in college, I am so committed to paying my fair share...so it's been really awful, I have to tell you, to be treated like I'm in bad faith at every turn that I have not had enough money for debts or bills or necessary expenses...it's the worst part of poverty, really...the callousness of others...far worse than the lack of money, itself...

And now I have a light at the end of that tunnel...finally...after three years of this...

Though there are too many advantages of leaving school and going this route for me to really count...the biggest one being a much better appreciation of how much more decent school folks are than other folks...and what great places they are to work, generally, with all their hassles...

And a far greater sense of perspective on what hassles and problems and issues really should upset me...and which shouldn't...which is a pretty important quality for a special education teacher, in particular -- with all the issues...behaviorally, especially...that we have to deal with -- to have...

And a much better understanding of not only what poverty looks like from a kids' perspective...which is hard enough...but what it looks like from an adults' perspective, as well...which is far tougher, I have to say...

Adults have more freedom to get themselves out of the mess than children, generally...which is helpful...but the experience, itself, was far more difficult as an adult, for me, than it was a kid...and a nice dispelling of the bullshit myth by those who rationalize the sorry state of wealth equity in the world between college poverty and more serious poverty from serious debts that one does not have money to repay...my father lived and has since thrived out of this kind of poverty...and now I know, first-hand, just how difficult it was for him all those years...

I swear to God that if I have one more coversation with someone who tries to pretend like its not a problem, I think I'm gonna be sick to my stomach...

Why we would all rationalize what callous sons-a-bitches we can be rather than face it, I will never know...but this is just one of many places where we need to do that...and where no law will replace or substitute for that very honest, difficult work for people to do...

But I have to say that I'm tougher for this whole experience, in the best ways...meaning...I'm much more sensitive to this situation, for people...I also have an expectation of no excuses for efforts to thrive financially...which much more realism for the process of doing that...in a far from ideal financial and economic system that often does the market such an incredible disservice that noone takes stock of or responsibility for, enough, to realize what unintended consequences our harsher financial policies have on the poor, middle class, and rich, as it inspires all kinds of backlash against the very market that offers the greatest hope for humanity to best support itself, economically...

To function best, our markets need more freedom, not less, to function better...but which gets less freedom the more people backlash against its problems and seek to regulate and tax and control it, too much...rather than support people to make better choices, including choosing to support greater equity within the market, rather than having minimal equity measures imposed on the market and the people who work in it...I have much more I can write about what a more ideal, free and equitable market might look like...voluntary support for equity measures, including better school funding and universal access to the best health care possible...and the development of a much more robust non-profit market as well as creating as much room as possible for a more robust for-profit market...but I'll give everyone a break from that, today:):)...

If you haven't read or listened to Bill Clinton's autobiography, My Life, by the way, I definitely recommend it:):)...Bill and I have plenty of disagreements...he is much more partisn than I am...he's a strong Democrat...I'm neither a Democrat nor a Republican...I admittedly, have spent most of my life in liberal activist and Democratic circles...but the events of the last four years have left me feeling alienated from most liberal and Democratic circles, not really recognizing the values that I believe in being embodied enough in either Democratic or Republican circles...while both parties having values and policy positions that I support...and policy positions that I oppose...

Bill supports gun control, and I don't...he supports, as far as I know, campaign finance regulations, while ignoring them, like most if not all party leaders in both parties, in his leadership capacity with the Democratic party...which I oppose, though supporting all and more of the same purposes supported by its backers...just with the recognition that existing campaign finance regulation has not resolved the fundamental issues around campaign finance issues that can only be resolved, I believe, through a authentic commitment to making ideas the most important element of democratic discussions and elections...and not money...

Bill recently voiced support -- within the last week or so, in a speech I heard him deliver on National Public Radio -- for the kind of government-imposed universal health insurance that his wife, Hillary, worked in behalf of, with advisor Ira Magaziner, when he was President...a move that I both understand...but a purpose which I very strongly believe would is better served by the voluntary efforts by the health care and insurance industries, today, rather than by what I believe would be a very serious mistake to circumvent or to discourage...

Bill also seems much less open to a discussion of all the implications of global warming than I am...though I think his efforts to constructively engage more collaborative efforts on environmental questions, with the help of his very able Interior Secretary, Bruce Babbitt, are some of the finest that the country has ever seen...

Having said all that...I think Bill Clinton was the finest American President of the twentieth century...and his biography is a fascinating look at this incredibly remarkable President and unique opportunity to get to understand a President with this kind of depth...I highly recommend it...

I've got to go...I've got to get a friend to class:)...

Talk with everyone later:):)...

Love,
Ben

Hope amidst the bullshit...

I found this post, this morning...

Trusting people less...

It's amazing how long people will go on with the same problems going unresolved...

Thinking about it...and how little effort so many people put forth in life...

I somehow found hope amidst the bullshit...

I realized that if Metallica can come to terms with how fucked up their relationships are with one another...

Then, perhaps...all of the rest of us can, too...

My friends...the ones who've really lamed out on me, at this point...

They're more like Metallica -- with less musical talent, right now...but they're my friends...so I don't give a shit how much or little talent they have -- than they are like Abraham Maslow...or Amartya Sen...or Joe Nye...or John Quincy Adams...the lawyer who represents the Amistad slaves to the Supreme Court...though they are much more like these guys than they know, as well...

But if Metallica can begin to come to terms with how shitty they treat one another...and how shitty most people treat one another, really...

Then perhaps all of us can...

In Amistad...Anthony Hopkins brilliantly portrays Quincy Adams...who quotes John C. Calhoun, the famous Southern seccessionist...and Adams' vice-president, at one point...in a publication in the Executive Review, put out by the office of the President at the time, Martin Van Buren...

As Anthony Hopkins as Adams says before the Court:

"And this is a publication of the office of the President...and it's called the Executive Review...and I'm sure you all read it...at least I'm sure the President hopes you all read it...this is a recent issue...and there's, uh, an article in here written by a keen mind of the South...who...it's my former Vice President, John Calhoun, perhaps...could it be?...who asserts that:

'There has never existed a civilized society which one segment did not thrived upon the labor of another. As far back as one chooses to look - to ancient times, to Biblical times - history bears this out. In Eden, where only two were created. Even there, one was pronounced subordinate to the other. Slavery has always been with us, and is neither sinful, nor immoral. Rather, as war and antogonism are the natural states of man, so too slavery. As natural as it is inevitable."

Now, gentlemen, I must say I differ with the keen minds of the South. And with our President, who apparently shares their views. Offering that the natural state of mankind is instead -- and I know this is a controversial idea -- is freedom. Is freedom.

And the proof is the length to which a man, woman, or child will go to regain it once taken. He will break loose his chains. He will decimate his enemies. He will try and try and try, against all odds, against all prejudices, to get home.'

"Give us us free," Cinque shouts in an earlier courtroom..."Give us us free"...

I don't know what more I could do to demonstrate that freedom offers us the space to be more productive, decent, thoughtful, responsible, wise, and good...

But I plan on doing it for the rest of my life...

My friends are welcome to go on pretending...

But I won't...

Because I love them...and me...too much to keep pretending that they're doing better than they really are...

I've not cut them out...I don't think I'm even capable of that, anymore...

But they do owe me an apology...

No work again today...our bosses said it was too cold...so I've got stuff to get finished up for my teaching job...

Have a good day, everyone...

Love,
Ben

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Realizing that I write...like I live...for myself, primarily...

I think a lot about my place in the world...

Why do I always end up eating so much shit...when I'm so much more genuinely committed to the welfare of others than most people...

Nice guys finish last and all that...

And tonight...watching Some Kind of Monster...and getting some peace with the fact that I want my writing...and my teaching...and my relationships...and my life...as much as possible...to reflect me...the real me...as comfortable as I perpetually feel being and sharing myself...as I really am...

I guess I just realized that...I don't write or teach or do anything for anyone else, primarily, really...

Because if I did...I would expect a lot more money and a more decent and comfortable life than the one I have...if that were the case...

Mowing other peoples' lawns...especially rich peoples' lawns...

I've spent a lot of time asking myself, "Why don't you pursue that stuff like everyone else?"...why do you forgo all that bullshit so you can go and clean up other peoples' messes and prepare the most difficult kids for life?...why do I do this...when I get so little respect for it...and so little money, compared to other professions...and so little decent treatment from anyone who wants to make me feel bad for trying to be so good...because, I assume, they feel so bad for being such shitheads...or maybe it's because they just lack much real perspective on how self-absorbed they really are...

So why do I do it, I'm perpetually asking myself...

And the basic reason that I always come back to is...

Because I want to...

Because I want to be the best person I can be...

Because I care...for whatever stupid, fucked-up reasons...

Even about people...who don't care about me...nearly as much as I care about them...which is most people...probably everyone I know...for whatever stupid, fucked-up reasons...

For whatever reasons...I care about them...I don't always know why...I just do...it's just who I am...I'm not dysfunctional about it, I don't think...if people start to treat me like too much shit...I mosey along my way...and let them figure out their own bullshit on their own...without my help...which is a lot harder than figuring out with my help...though, usually...I'm gone before they figure that out...

So hopefully I leave them with enough wisdom to figure it out, better, on their own...

But I just want to be a genuine person...I don't know why I don't chase the money...or the girls...or the thrills...or the vacations...or the power...or the prestige...or the whatever...more...I just don't...

Because I think there's something to being a decent person...and having some sense of self-respect...and honesty...and being real...and responsible...and being myself...and I just don't know how to live any other way, frankly...because every other way feels fake and fucked up and cowardly...and I just can't do it...

But the truth is...I don't know why I care about being a decent person...in a world where so few people care about it as much as I do...I just do...

I guess...mostly...because I think it matters...whether anyone else does or not...

And I guess...partly...because I figure...surely there's got to be a girl that I can spend my life with...who I can respect as much as I respect myself...and who respects herself that much as well...

And because I have this vague hope...that others will find that kind of courage and the ideas it produces useful...because they've expended all of the other options that don't work as well...

And that some folks will find it as useful...as I first found folks like Abraham Maslow...and Amartya Sen...and Joe Nye...and lots of authors like these ones...who help explain the world, better...that perpetually needs explaining...

I don't know why the world rewards the less meaningful things in life, so much...I imagine because most people have just never figured out the path to a more meaningful or purposeful life...and they reward, more, people who think like them...and like my friends...many of them just don't give much of a shit to...

And I guess the reason why I do...is both because I've had more purpose in my life, up till now...and I know how much better it feels than so many meaningless thrills and bullshit...even as the thrills and bullshit can be kind of fun, too, at times:):):)...

And because for whatever vague reasons...I just think it's better to try to be the best person you can possibly be...even with all the equivocation and bullshit from others...which there is much of...than half-hearting it...as most people do, I think...

Why should people be good in a world which rewards people for being good so little...and so much for being so shitty?...

A society that is more self-actualized, Abraham Maslow argued...like a person...is one that rewards, better, doing good...and its one of the easiest signs of how upside-down a society is compared to one of higher values...

It's a really great question...

Why would people want to be good?...

When it pays off so well...in so many ways...money just being one of the bigger ways...

To be bad...or to be not so great...

I don't really have an answer for that...except some vague notion...some vague faith...that living a life where you try to be the best person you can be...is a better life to live...

I have my mom...and my dad...

My mom...who was/is a good person...but who kind of stagnated...and who I am much less close with, today, and have less respect for than my dad...

And my dad...who made lots of mistakes, when I was a kid...but who took responsibility for them...and kept growing...and who I like better...and respect better...as a consequence...and who was also, probably not coincidentally, much more successful, as well, long term...

And also...because...from a young age...my single most important goal in life...

Was to make life a better place...for everyone...me, included...

And because I so appreciate everyone along the way...who made my life better, similarly...

I guess a lot of people think of that as naive...or sentimental...or weak...or of me as a sucker...or whatever...

And sometimes I agree with them...when I look at what other pathes I passed up...to take the tough one I've taken...

Except...

When I think about meeting a girl like me...

And thinking how much I would respect the living shit out of someone who took my road...and would be thoroughly impressed with a girl who took improving life that seriously...I'd respect a guy like that, too, of course...but I'm looking to love and marry a girl...and have some kids and a family...so meeting a guy I respected like that just wouldn't fit into that particular plan, as well...as much as I would respect the shit out of him, too...

And when I think about how many of the happiest times in my life...have been living life with that kind of purpose...and sharing it with someone else, at least...if not more than one someone elses...

But living it on my own is fine, too, I guess...

I just wish it wasn't so goddamn hard, sometimes...

Or that all this effort -- which is far and above what most people give to life -- would be rewarded better...

But instead...all I get, lately...is a lot of people's bullshit...with very little appreciation for my efforts, at all...not that I'm whining...I just get a little overwhelmed with it, sometimes...

I don't believe in God...or an afterlife...not as an entity...or as a place...so I don't think that there's some kind of heavenly reward waiting for me, at some point...

It's just that...for whatever reasons...I've internalized these values...the values of decency...and compassion...and love...and forgiveness...and intelligence...and honesty...and integrity...and loyalty...and independence...and courage...and strength...and hope...and appreciation for life as it is...not just for what I want it to be...and doing everything in my power to be good...and be the best person I can be...

At some level...I think it's in our best interests...in the long run...even as it has led to some pretty shitty circumstances for me, at times, as I've traded off comfort...so many times...for doing and being my best...

But I have to admit that my faith has been challenged in the last three years...since leaving school...in the last four years...since losing Brandi...than it's ever been challenged before, in my life...

I don't know...

I just do...

I've just always tried to be my best...and I've just never stopped doing that...and I do it more the older and, I hope, wiser I get...

But maybe it's not so wise...

Maybe I'm just bullshitting myself...

Maybe people like me are just bullshitting themselves...

And what I should have done...is started a metal band...and been the best goddamned rock vocalist and guitarist I could be...and if possible...that could be...and fucked a lot of groupies...and made them do all kinds of fucked up stuff for me...did a lot of drugs...and got drunk and high as much as possible...and played a lot of music...in front of millions of cheering fans...and made a shitload of money...to have whatever my heart's desire...and maybe springboard an acting career...and maybe a political career, out of that...

And just generally hopped onto as many gravy trains as I could get my greedy little hands on...

Maybe that would have been...would be...a better path...

Something tells me it wouldn't have been...wouldn't be...

But maybe it would have been...

Maybe the reason why it pays better to be an asshole...or why it pays so little to be noble...

Is because what the human race needs more of...is assholes...not nice guys...

It does seem like that much of the time...

And definitely many of my friends think that is the better path...

And that I'm naive and a sucker for thinking otherwise...

And my life does not, at all, seem like some testament to the fact that being the best person you can be pays off, at this point...maybe it won't ever be...

Abraham Maslow taught, perhaps all his life...I haven't read his biographies close enough, at this point, to know...but he taught most of his life, at least...at Brooklyn College...some small, dinky college in New York...

He wasn't rich, as far as I know...his niece, in one account I've read, did sue over the use of some of his ideas and/or writings, in the name of his estate...I agree with the guy who wrote about it that this was very much out of keeping with the spirit Abraham Maslow's work...and a crazy and sad irony for the legacy of a man so dedicated to dealing with people with more decency, kindness, love, and generosity...

He was just this decent guy...who wrote...for the benefit of people who might learn something from his work...which is some of the finest work in psychology in the twentieth century...and in the history of psychology...and humanity...as far as I'm concerned...

Why?...why do it?...

I'm sure that's what many of my friends ask...not really of themselves...since many of the friends I'm thinking of haven't choose this path, really...and not really of me...since we've never had that conversation...

But just generally...

Why would so many people choose to be such suckers?...they gotta ask themselves...

Why would so many people...choose to do work...where they know they won't be rewarded for it, very well...where lots of people shit of them...both every day...and just generally...in how much they bitch and complain...about how everything they do perpetually falls short of some demanded ideal...where they are so little appreciated...concretely, at least...appreciated abstractly...but less, day to day...

Where the rewards for the work just seem so non-existent...in so many ways...compared to a million other options...all over the place...

Why do so many people...sign up to be...teachers...professors...scientists and researchers...military service-people...police officers...politicians (though there is some money in this line of work, apparently, that goes with all that power)...diplomats...missionaries...civil service professionals...non-profit professionals...

Public servants...of one stripe or another...

Why do people choose to do this work?...

When the rewards are so low?...and the treatment is so poor?...

Why do they do it?...

And the only answer I can give on some days...is...

A sense of purpose...

A sense of hope, maybe...

A sense that you are doing good in the world...

Sounds pretty circular, doesn't it?...

I guess...either you buy it...or you don't...

Either you buy that it's a good thing to do good in the world...

Or you don't...

And it's very dissappointing, I have to say...to find out how many people choose the latter...or choose something in between the two...

I guess we all kind of exist somewhere between these two choices...

Believing that it matters to do good in this world...

And not believing it...

I try to spend as much as my time with the first sentiment as possible...but I spend enough time in that second feeling, as well...

And I don't always know why...

I guess just on faith...

Why, I don't know, much of the time...

I wish I could be more definitive than that...

But that's how I really feel much of the time...

Even as someone who dedicates almost all of his life...to doing good...and making the world better...

Integrity involves a lot of voluntary sacrafice, much of the time...and I don't always know why...

I just do it...on faith...and because the things I care about...seem to work out better...when I do...

Some days I wish I could just wish away all the problems in the world...as so many people do...or try to do...

But...usually...I just keep working constructively...on building a better world...with hopes that maybe it will be better in my own lifetime...and maybe it will be better in my children's lifetime...and maybe that will matter to someone...one day...

It would be nice to think that this would be today...or tomorrow...or every day...

But then that feeling...always gets interrupted...by sorry realities that I have no control over...an aggressive bill collection effort...a utility bill I can't pay...an overbearing or controlling or passive-aggressive or petty boss or co-worker...the knowledge that someone I know has it better than me...no matter how much more work I've put into taking on the real challenges of this life...

It weighs on me...often...and not always with easy answers...unfortunately...

And mine will either be the memoir of some pathetic idealogue...who could never quite figure out he was wrong...or of a person of some thought and wisdom, I hope...who, like almost everyone, really...lives a life with too much inequity, much of the time...even as it also holds much joy and love and compassion and decency and wisdom...as well as some fun and good times, as well...in a world that is, hopefully, always striving for more equity...to always be better...even if it strives ever so slowly, sometimes...and very little, if at all, at other times...

It is painful to think of life, this way, sometimes...

And it is life...for me, anyway...and I would suspect for everyone, at some level...

And when it is painful...like now...I just sit with the pain...and wait for it to pass...or try smoking it away with a cigarette...which doesn't really work any more, these days...

And hope that it makes me stronger and better for it...

And that is life...I think...

But perhaps I should consider my other options, more, as well:):):)...

I should get to bed:):)...

Hope everyone is doing well:)...

Love,
Ben

Some kind of monster...

If you haven't checked out Metallica's rockumentary Some Kind of Monster...I highly recommend it...

It's a great opportunity to watch a band reflect on itself...on it's problems...as a band trying to record an album...and as friends for twenty years being honest with one another in ways that they've never been honest with each other before...

If you're not familiar with the movie and the band...Some Kind of Monster chronicles Metallica's recording of its most recent album...with the help of a therapist hired by their production company...to facilitate a process that had hit a serious breakdown after bassist, Jason Newstead, left the band...

As lead singer, James Hetfield put it...

"We worked on ourselves...identified what part can we work on...so when someone else steps in...it's clean...they're not stepping in our shit"...

It's pretty impressive, actually...to see a rock band...a metal band, at that...so maturely deal with a serious problem that the band had had for quite awhile...namely...keeping a bassist...after the death of their earliest bass player, Cliff Burton...and then a whole shitload of issues that band members had between one another -- especially between Hetfield and drummer and the other strongest personality in the band, Lars Ulrich...

The funniest part of the movie is learning what a puss guitarist, Kirk Hammett, was a lot of the time...though I definitely give the whole band, Kirk included, much more respect after seeing this documentary than the already powerful respect I've had for Metallica after seeing them live in concert at Lollapalooza in 1996...

And it is interesting to see that when people who don't seem to have a lot of complexity to their thoughts and feelings...share their inner-most thoughts and feeelings...there's not all kinds of complexity that I thought I might find underneath...that a lot of their problems are pretty simple...they just haven't figured them out yet:):)...

It was crazy and funny watching their therapist be a total puss about the band's decision to cut him loose when they were ready to move on...if I were Metallica's therapist, I would totally thank the shit out of them for letting me hang with them and maybe ask them for some decent concert tickets...and let that be that:):)...

And listening to James Hetfield tell an audience full of prisoners that we are all born good...and that without music he might either be in that prison or dead...was really powerful...

If you're interested in watching some of the world's biggest rock stars growing up and learning how to treat each other better...and making great music out of that...definitely check out this movie:):)...

Have a great night, everyone:):)...

Love,
Ben

I was made to do this work:):):)...

After doing my paperwork, last night, for the Eisenhower position...I went downstairs in the same building to Kansas City Kansas's public library:):)...

An amazing collection of movies, books, CD's, etc...

Being in Kansas City had totally brought back all kinds of memories of Kansas City when I would visit Brandi while she was working downtown at the United Way of Wyandotte Country...and similar memories of living in Washington, D.C...mine and Brandi's two big city experiences...two young kids from Wichita, Kansas:):):)...a good sized city...but not a Kansas City:):)...or a Washington, D.C.:):)...

And working at Eisenhower has me totally inspired about working in the inner city:):):)...I forget that it is some of my favorite work in the world:):):)...and I'm honored to be able to do it:):)...

So I picked up some of this really pretty incredible collection of DVD's and movies and CD's:):)...

I picked up two movies about the inner city...Hoop Dreams...the story of William Gates and Arthur Agee...two Chicago grammar school and high school basketball stand-outs...and their journey through life in the inner city and the ranks of competitive basketball in the big city of Chicago...and their growth and learning and maturity through those experiences:)...

And Let the church say amen...a Filmmovement independent documentary about the work of Pastor Bobby Perkins, Dr. JoAnn Perkins (and education doctorate from George Washington University) and their family and church to provide a place of hope and deliverance for the inner city poor of Washington, D.C.:):):)...

Two brilliant documentaries about efforts that take place all over the country to provide hope in communities often far too lost in hopelessness:):):)...

And inspiring as all hell:):):)...

In the summer of 1998, this was the work and the mission of two kids from Wichita, Kansas:):):)...

Brandi and I were totally dedicated to efforts like Brandi's National Days of Dialogue, dedicated to race dialogue...and Americans Discuss Social Security...a dialogue effort directed at including and engaging average citizens on the complexities that surround issues of retirement and social security:):)...

We saw the Reverend Eugene Waters...who did very similar, broader work in Boston, Mass...with Cornell West, the radical philosopher and race thinker who, at the time, was a professor at Princeton:):)...and two folks totally committed to the growth and development of America's inner cities:):):)...

It was a brilliant and eye-opening time for two kids from a relatively quiet, moderate-sized city...exploring the big city...and all the virtues and vices it had to offer:):):)...mostly virtues, though:):)...with two pretty inspired kids looking the change the world:):):)...

And being in Kansas City...and thinking about the really great opportunity to work in a school like Eisenhower...a school with 70% of their kids receiving free or reduced lunches...in a fairly debilitated part of town:):)...

Had me remembering this very inspired time in my life...almost as inspired as today:):)...but not quite:):)...

But I have to admit the prospects of working at Eisenhower have me pretty incredibly inspired, these days:):)...

I'm thinking about showing these movies in my classes...Hoop Dreams, especially...since it's about two teens making it out of the hopelessness that often pervades the inner city:):)...

This is the work I was made for:):):)...

I love all the work I do:):)...the international policy work...the work in economics...the work in psychology:):)...

But this work...education...and, in particular, this inner city education work...

Is the work I was made for:):):)...

I am filled with the spirit of Reverend Eugene Waters, building a Boston that everyone can be proud of:):):)...I am filled with the spirit of my man, Fred, my co-worker who introduced me to the Ninth Street Baptist Church:):)...where I got to get back:):)...I am filled with the spirit of the Hoop Dreams of Steve James, Frederick Marx, Peter Gilbert, Gordon Quinn, William Gates, and Arthur Agee:):):)...

I love this work:):):)...and there is nothing quite like the feeling of knowing that you are doing real, substantial good in the world:):):)...

I got a TB test, a provisional certification, some bills, and other stuff to look into today...it's raining in Lawrence...so, no work for the lawnmowers:):):)...

Hope your day is going great:):):)...

God bless:):)...

Love,
Ben

Monday, November 14, 2005

I got the job:):)...

Tom Petz, the secondary personell director for Kansas City, Kansas schools wrote me this morning...I talked with him as soon as I got off work...and I go in this afternoon to fill out paperwork:):):)...

Very exciting:):):)...I finally get to do the thing I love doing more than anything else:):):)...teach:):):)...and working with kids:):)...

I was very impressed with both this principal and with the special education director for the district:):)...I've worked with enough principals and teachers, at this point, to know who's good and who's not, generally...and these are two very good teachers/administrators:):)...and it will be a great experience working with these kinds of folks...I've learned a lot being outside of schools, generally, and about working with people, specifically, for this time:):)...

But it's time for me to teach, again:):):)...

I've never felt so confident about my abilities to work with kids and students, at this point...I know more about people...about them and their abilities and interests...and, important to me...I know better when they're bullshitting me...and themselves...

And I am very much looking forward to teaching again...and working with top notch people...

By the way...it finally happened...

The Right Way in Iraq...John Edwards...

A politician finally apologized for rushing into war...

John still doesn't seem to have recognized the good that came from an invasion of Iraq...and this apology may be politically calculated as much as anything...but it is nice, I have to say, to hear one person who voted to rush into this war without thoughtfully considering the best way to do so and persuading the American people and our international partners to do so on its merits, and not preying on their fears, to apologize for doing so...

As John writes...

"I was wrong.

Almost three years ago we went into Iraq to remove what we were told -- and what many of us believed and argued -- was a threat to America. But in fact we now know that Iraq did not have weapons of mass destruction when our forces invaded Iraq in 2003. The intelligence was deeply flawed and, in some cases, manipulated to fit a political agenda."

John and other Democrats have been much criticized for the sentiment in that last line...that the intelligence was manipulated to fit a political agenda...

But there is some truth to this...

Most of the international community knew that Saddam had biological weapons...he had used them on the Kurds following the first Persian Guld War...

What was unknown...and only suspected -- by many liberals and conservatives, Republicans and Democrats...Judith Miller and Bill Clinton being only two of them -- was whether Saddam had nuclear capabilities...

There was no evidence that I knew, at the time, that Saddam had nuclear capabilities...like many people, I would not have put it past Saddam, knowing his track record...but there was no evidence, that I knew of, to support that suspicion...

But John and Democrats are right that the President sounded the nuclear rallying cry with far more certainty than we actually had of that capability...

Which is why Joe Wilson's criticism of that claim -- a piece of which...whether Saddam was pursuing uranium yellow-cake in Niger...Wilson was sent to investigate -- is important...

Wilson was arguing that we had no evidence of Saddam having nuclear capability...and that the President exaggerated those claims despite his efforts to dispel the idea that we had evidence that Saddam was pursuing uranium usable for a nuclear weapon in Niger...

Wilson claims that Administration officials sought to distance themselves from his intelligence-gathering and to discredit his wife, Valerie Plame, by indicating that she, in her capacity as a CIA administrative official, sent him to Niger to investigate the claim...in naming Valerie, if they did so before the Vanity Fair cover piece or any other public airing of her name, which I'm unclear about, at this point, Lewis Libby, Karl Rove, and the numerous reporters -- Robert Novack, Judith Miller, Matthew Cooper, at least -- who named her publicly, blew her undercover status with the CIA...which caused a lot of damage to an undercover career built on making contacts based on that undercover status...

Libby and Rove claim that they did so to clarify the discussion...that Administration officials were not responsible for sending Wilson to Niger...

Wilson claims that it was an effort to discredit him...and to seek political revenge on his wife...

If Wilson is right...it is a much more serious situation...since it involved disrupting Valerie Plame's undercover career -- if other sources, like the Vanity Fair cover story on Plame, did not beat them to the punch -- and if it was political revenge...meaning it was done intentionally to torpedo Plame's career...it is a much more serious situation...

If Libby and Rove are right...as I give them the benefit of the doubt on, at this point...then this is a much more innocent situation, I think, of two officials giving up a CIA undercover officer's name as a part of an on-going debate about the war, without understanding the consequences of doing so...but in good faith...as a part of a larger discussion...

The perjury charge against Libby, to my mind, only sticks if it can be proved that Libby had intentionally acted in bad faith...which would have to be proven...and that he lied to cover his tracks...if Libby acted more innocently...and misremembered the trail along the way...then he's not guilty of anything, that we know of...and because of presumption of innocence...which I and everyone should take seriously in every case, frankly...then I give him much leeway on this...

But the original hub-bub in this case was whether the Administration exaggerated the nuclear threat that Saddam posed...I believe that they did...it is entirely possible that Saddam had nuclear capabilities that he and/or his minions were able to hide before anyone could investigate as freely as we can today...but that would have to be demonstrated to become evidence...and not just speculation exaggerated into evidence, which, I agree, it appears at this point that the Administration engaged in...

I do believe that the Administration believed that this kind of threat was posed...

But I think they believed that out of sloppy speculation...rather than out of a more serious, reasoned consideration of what evidence we had and what evidence we didn't have of those capabilities...

So John is right, on that point, I believe...even as I believe that the Administration worked in good faith...just with sloppy reasoning on the matter...

And I have to say that it is quite refreshing to hear at least one politician apologize for rushing to war in Iraq...when a more thoughtful, and openly debated and engaged discussion of all alternatives --including diplomacy...but not limited there...and a more engaged and thoughtful discussion of what alternatives to a U.S. led, far-too-unilateral war in Iraq might be available...including a multilateral war that included our European and democratic neighbors...democratic, less democratic and non democratic partners in the Middle East, including Egypt, Saudi Arabia, Syria, Kuwait, Jordan, Turkey, Iran (possibly...though there are serious reasons to consider what role Iran could play in such a coalition when they have/had been a serious adversary for the Iraq people for many years), and Israel (who contributed to the effort quietly and openly, but who was not included by the Administration as a coalition partner, for reasons I am unclear about, at this point)...and U.N. Security Council members like China and Russia...

And much more importantly to me...a war led by the Iraqi people, and Iraqi opposition parties and militias, and backed with overwhelming power by these other multilateral partners...

But none of that could be considered with the lack of open and constructive discussion and debate about how to handle Iraq and with the kind of rush to war that the Administration, in particular, was so insistent on...

Is it totally clear, at this point, why being thoughtful...and why facilitating a more thoughtful, open, and free discussion of whatever important decisions that have to be made...why that is so important, especially around matters as serious as war?...

Obviously, sometimes, we have to act before we think...and sometimes we must act before putting a more ideal amount of thought into a situation...and we obviously need to give people as much slack around this as possible...

While also expecting that they think...

The Administration believed and led others to believe that the situation in Iraq was life or death...it wasn't...and a lot of mistakes got made as a consequence...that cost a lot of lives and misery, unnecessarily...

They were in good faith, I believe...

Just not thoughtful enough...

And we are dealing with the consequences of that now...

Having said that...

Those decisions have been made...

And the decisions to make now...

Are how to improve the effort in Iraq...

Not how to run away...

Or how to play twenty-twenty hindsight...

But how to make the situation in Iraq better...

And to recognize all the good that has come and is coming from a free and more democratic Iraq...

John Edwards' apology is a welcome departure from the politics of blame and presure and hindsight and black-and-white outlooks on the situation in Iraq that dominates far too much of the discussion, right now...including John's editorial piece, here...

He, like many Democrats and liberals, still does not recognize all of the good that has come from this war...even as it has been engaged far from ideally...

But it would be nice to see a lot more politicians say they were sorry...or that they were wrong...or whatever public recognition they could make that they've figured out that this thing could have gone a lot better...had we taken time to think about how to engage it better...

To be fair to John and President Bush and the Administration and everyone who favored this war...

One of smartest international policy scholars in America...and perhaps in the world (though Joe does have too much of an America-focus, I believe, to make stronger claims in that latter category)...Joe Nye...the Dean of the JFK Harvard School of Government...favored this war, upfront, as well...as did former President Bill Clinton, who, with all of the policy disagreements that I have with Bill...which are many...I believe was the smartest and best President that this country has seen in its too brief history...

I did not...I was both concerned about the lack of engagement with the international policy community about the best ways to conduct this war...and with the lack of recognition, on the part of the Administration, of the very serious and good faith concerns that his critics had of the war...including and especially our European allies, whose lack of support should have been a serious check on Administration hubris...

And I was more pessimistic than seems warranted, now, with twenty-twenty hindsight, about whether the Iraqi people would support such an effort...which, to me, was the fundamental issue that needed to be different to prevent another Vietnam...Vietnam did not fail because the American people did not believe in it, fundamentally...fundamentally it failed because -- as irrational as it may seem to us -- the people of Vietnam did not favor it, seeing us as outsiders and imperialists, the French likes of which they had just expelled in earlier conflicts...and for whatever reasons...their Communist oppressors looked more appealing to them...

Certainly a foolish choice, I and most freedom-loving people would agree, I think...

But a choice for them to make, fundamentally, regardless...

And had Iraqis made a similar choice -- and it appears that some of them would have and would still today -- then this would have been a war very similar to Vietnam...

But it's not...largely because Iraqis are leading the effort to bring democracy to their country, at this point...as haphazardly as that process is occurring, right now...

But I do appreciate at least one American politician having enough courage to admit that the original decision to go to war was not as thought out as it should have been...

None of America's politicians are the brightest bulbs in the box...

Folks like Joe Nye and David Gergen and Paul Peterson and Catherine Minter Hoxby and Benjamin Barber and Robert Kagan and a whole host of America's smartest folks don't go into politics for all kinds of reasons, I imagine...but a pretty important one, in my books, is because the process is so goddamned irrational...the American people, like most citizens of the world, want the world...on demand...at no cost...and they don't want to take any responsibility for it...and they expect all kinds of perfection from people in politics, in the meantime, that just isn't possible, I don't think...

So, until Americans and others learn to engage the process with more decency and genuine responsibility and a constructive outlook and more thoughtfulness...and as and until smarter folks choose to be a part of the insane on-going soap-opera that is American politics...

These are the folks we got...

And it's refreshing to hear/read one them take responsibility for their leadership...rather than passing the blame like a bunch of schoolchildren...

Thank you, John...though if you're going to admit when you're wrong, John...the least you can do is take and give some credit for what's gone right in Iraq...

And here's to a generation of politicians that thinks and admits when they fuck up...and a generation of Americans who contributes to a democratic environment that makes that more possible...

Gotta go:):)...I've got a teaching job to go accept:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Our infinite capacity for bullshitting ourselves...

...or how fear and cynicism distort our sense of the possibilities of life...

Melissa ushered EMU Theater's production of The Big Funk, last night:):)...which was much better than I expected, I have to say:):)...I love John Patrick Shanley...I am probably the biggest fan of Joe vs. the Volcano of anyone I know:):)...but the reviews of the Big Funk (Shanley's script, not this performance) did not look so hot, when we first heard about the play...and while it is definitely not the greatest play written by Mr. Shanley, it is a decent script...and this cast did a pretty decent job with it...especially the female lead, Elizabeth Ahrens, who I think is perhaps the best female lead I've seen in an EMU production...

Shanley's script is basically an existential reflection on the fears and insecurities that drive too many peoples' lives...that lead to what Shanley calls "The Big Funk"...Ahrens performs powerfully in a scene with colleague Jason Bradbury, who, after her character, Jill, shares strong feelings for Bradbury's character, Gregory, proceeds to tear her to pieces, emotionally, symbolically wiping petroleum jelly over her face...Jill resigns herself to this treatment...as Gregory mocks the self-image that Jill carries that permits this resignation...

Elizabeth's co-star, Steve Ducey, also performs well in a final scene where his character stands as a naked man shining a large mirror on both the remaining characters and audience members...having them look at themselves...and encouraging them to give up the fears that leave so many people in the Big Funk of life that traps people who spend their lives inside those fears...

Shanley's script is all over the place...and is more existential play than a script with any strong sense of direction...but it makes for a fun theater experience...and for an opportunity for this cast of actors to demonstrate some powerful acting abilities...Ahrens' presence anchors the play in her ability to communicate, non-verbally and verbally, some sense of the internal conflicts that Shanley is getting at...and Steve Ducey, playing Austin, Jill's love interest in the play, gives one of the play's stronger performances as a young, disgruntled unemployed twenty-something who seeks to treat Jill with the decency that he thinks she deserves and to do something -- anything -- constructive in the society that he consistently reminds the audience that he hates...

All and all, it was a fun night of theater...

Melissa and I watched the new Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory before the performance...which started strong...with a much more serious presentation of Roald Dahl's serious and beautiful children's story, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory...and with a really terrific first music number...

But from there...the new production of Willy Wonka devolves into a dark interpretation of the hopeful and sweet Roald Dahl story, led by Johnny Depp's Michael Jackson-like portrayal of Willy Wonka...what at first seems creative, eventually just seemed kind of creepy...to both Melissa and I...

And Roald Dahl's story and general theme in his children's stories of the hope and power and magic of childhood, even in a a poor childhood like Charlie's, is distorted into a psychoanalysis of a deeply troubled Willy Wonka and an affirmation of the need for children to accept the firm hand of adults in their lives...which pretty significantly twists the playful mocking of parents, teachers, and other adults that pervades Dahl's work, for not humbling themselves before the innocence and possibilities of childhood...

So Melissa and I returned to my apartment after the play and watched the older much better, overall, interpretation of Dahl's beautiful story, starring Gene Wilder, Peter Ostrum, and Jack Albertson...admittedly, the musical numbers -- especially the psychedelic trip through the chocolate river tunnel -- are kind of cheesy in the original film production of Willy Wonka...but overall...the film is not only much more genuinely geared towards children and an appreciation for the virtues of innocence and hope and possibility that come with childhood...but it centers itself around a flawed but generally child-friendly Willy Wonka in Gene Wilder...in contrast with the creepiness, pettiness, and self-centeredness of Johnny Depp's depiction of a man who, frankly, I would be very wary of leaving my own children with:):)...

The popularity of the second Willy Wonka -- at least in the household we were watching it in -- was yet another opportunity for me to reflect on peoples' abilities to bullshit themselves...

Depp's performance is brilliant...if you divorce it from the story...but it and the rewrite of the screenplay are a significant and meaningful departure from the original intent of Dahl's story...

Dahl is not affirming the firm hand of family...in fact, most of his work is a challenge to the firm hand of too many adults in handling children...he is constantly and playfully mocking parents and teachers and adults who have lost touch with the experience of childhood, so wrapped up are they in their fears and certainties about life...a trap that Tim Burton's production seems to fall into...in an attempt to re-write a story for the current popular political moment, I suspect...I'm sure Tim made quite a bit of money with this movie...but the classics that are Roald Dahl stories like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and James and the Giant Peach this Willy Wonka is not...if Tim plans on doing any more interpretations of Dahl's work, I would definitely encourage him to look back to his much stronger sometime-live, sometime animated production of James and the Giant Peach, which is a children's movie classic...

Why so much fascination with the dark side, lately, in contemporary entertainment, I have to wonder?...it's pervasive in contemporary music, theater, and movies...in a way that has just not really encouraged much real innovation in any of them...especially in a children's movie, where it's presence seems only tangentially relevant...

It's so ironic, isn't it, how our cynicism moves us closer and closer to the very dangers that we are so afraid of...

And that's where great children's literature...like Dahl's...is so powerful...as a enlightening correction for adults' -- parents and teachers, in particular -- who so often get so lost in their own fears about the world...

Thanks to Roald Dahl for that reminder for all of us...and thanks to Tim Burton...for his marvelous production of James and the Giant Peach, especially, that you should definitely see if you haven't yet...and thanks to him and Johnny Depp and the rest of the cast for an exciting look into Roald's brilliant story of the magic and possibility of childhood...even as it fell short...

And thanks to Laura Leffler-McCabe, Elisabeth Ahrens, Samantha Raines, R. Troy Hirsch, Steve Ducey, and Jason Bradbury, and the rest of the gang for giving EMU fans an opportunity to enjoy an thought-provoking night at the theater:):):)...

Have a great weekend, everyone:):):)...and if you get a chance:):)...and if you're in the Lawrence area:):)...you might check out The Big Funk at the Lawrence Arts Center:):)...

Love,
Ben

Friday, November 11, 2005

A great man passes...

Peter Drucker dies at 95...

For those of you not familiar with Peter Drucker...I definitely recommend that you familiarize yourself...a brilliant man...and a brilliant innovator in his own right...

Thank you, Peter...for the wisdom you shared...while you were with us...

Love,
Ben

Our greater humanity...

...or the irony of the politics of bullying each other toward responsibility...

I generally think if Rich Lowry as something of a weasel, honestly:):)...but this article in the most recent edition of the National Review is right on the money, I think...Rich is at his best, generally, when he is plucking the beams from the eyes of others, I think:):):)LOL:):):)...

Democrats and Iraq: The Gullible Party...

Rich basically argues that Democrats' constant argument that they were duped into voting for the war in Iraq and thus aren't responsible for their votes is nonsense, juvenile, and lacks real leadership...

And he's right...totally on...

It's been very disappointing to watch Democrats both embrace the victim mentality of the party that Bill Clinton did so much to try to leave behind...and to lack much serious leadership during this time from anyone, really, in Congress or even among Governors...I can't name one Democrat, right now, who seriously impresses me as a leader in the same way that Bill Clinton did...Barak Obama has potential...and there are plenty of non-politicians, of course, that I can think of with both leadership capacity and serious policy intellect...but none of them are stupid enough, is the short answer, to enter the American political ring with all of its pettiness, bitterness, nastiness, and thoughtlessness...

And Democrats, right now, just look like fools...working hard to get themselves off the hook for voting for the war...while giving very few if any constructive alternatives to the current situation...and playing up the politics of fear and victimization, domestically...it's been a sad spectacle, all around...

It's so ironic, isn't it?...

In an era claiming to be the an era of responsibility...

When every leader claims to have the recipe for more responsibility...

Which is, of course, to pressure and manipulate and otherwise bully their way in that direction...

None of them can take it...

Tell me something...

When was the last time you heard a major American politician or public leader -- Democrat or Republican -- say that they were sorry for something?...sincerely...not because they were pressured...out of attrition, or an insincere apology..but, sincerely...because they really believed that they had made a mistake and that they wanted to get on a better road?...

I believe that they feel sorry inside...to one degree or another...

But when was the last time that you heard John Kerry say, out loud...

"I'm sorry that I didn't research and discuss, openly, alternatives to the current situation in a way that would assist the President to develop a more workable policy for the war in Iraq"...

Or President Bush say...

"I'm sorry that I rushed to war with the arrogant belief that my opinion was the only one that mattered and the rest of the world -- the scholarly international policy community, in particular -- be damned"...

Or party leaders or members of Congress or the media say...

"We're sorry that we've promoted such an adversarial and generally pretty unconstructive discussion of different Iraq policy alternatives -- which is what a responsible Congress or media would do -- and instead framed every discussion point as attack, counter-attack, and as a function of the moral decency or depravity of various political players and short-term political advantage or disadvantage"...

When was the last time that you heard any of these folks who all claim to be the final arbriters of good and bad, right and wrong, wise and foolish...

When was the last time you heard any of them say, "I'm sorry"...

I say it...I say it all the time...when I think I've done something wrong...I probably say it more often than I should, sometimes, in an effort to cover all my bases and make sure that I've apologized if I think I even might have done something wrong, if I'm unsure...

When was the last time you heard any of these folks say, "I'm sorry"...or "I take responsibility"...

And yet...these are the same folks who claim to know just how to beat the country into shape...to get the American people to take responsibility for a whole range of issues that the country faces...

The war in Iraq and terrorism being our most important, right now, I believe...

When the evidence is so plain that bullying people into responsibility does not actually promote responsibility...

And that people generally promote bullying as a recourse the less they actually take responsibility, themselves...

Why would people so foolishly and stubbornly stick to the path that leads them persistently into damnation, I have to ask myself:):):)LOL:):):)...

A bunch of goddamn fools we are:):)...the human race:):):)...

Rich is right about Democrats...though he doesn't have a constructive alternative...or at least none of anything that I've read of Rich's suggests that he does...though I'm open to evidence to the contrary...

Why is it so damned hard for us to believe that if we are more decent and loving and honest...that the world would be a better place for it?...

Why do we spend so much useless time defending what shitheads we are?...and that it is the fact of our being shitheads that prevents more forward progress in getting people to take constructive responsibility for situations in a way that promotes more authentic collaboration towards a more genuinely constructive future?...

Why do we all spend so much time trying to defend our right to play bad cop?...and then none of us take responsibility when it gets us nowhere...

As Rich's quite accurate criticism of Democrats demonstrates is true among liberals, right now...

Because there's bad people in the world...

Because bad things happen to good people...

I swear to God that we are such fuckin' babies...

Aw...wook at da po witta baby...bad fings happen...and he just can't twust human nature:):):)LOL:):):)...

We are such fuckin' morons, sometimes:):):):)LOL:):):)...I swear to God:):):)LOL:):):)...

What is wrong with us that we just can't come to terms with the fact that bad shit happens...and that we're kind of shitheads, sometimes...but that doesn't mean that we have to give up on human nature...or people...or the world...or whatever stupid arguments we've made to rationalize what shitheads we are rather than giving it up...

Martin Luther King teaches love and forgiveness...and we practice harshness and bitterness...

Mohatma Ghandi teaches love and non-violence...a little naively, I have to admit...one account of Ghandi's life I've encountered argues that Ghandi thought non-violence would stop Hitler...pretty naive, I think...but non-violent resistance to British rule helped free India and inspire modern human and civil rights efforts...

The Buddha teaches to sit with pain...and to love and live with compassion...and to find peace...and, instead...we start commissions when things don't go exactly the way we want them to...and persistently assume that people are working in bad faith...

Jesus loves people...they shit on him, royally...because they're all kind of shitheads...

And we think that we should side with the crowd rather than, roughly -- though the question of Jesus' messianic claims can be set aside, for the moment -- with this very decent guy...because we just can't expect that people will behave better?...

Even though...in the centuries since that time...we've all gotten a lot better...and a lot nicer and more decent to each other...and a lot smarter...and a lot more able to function in this world, as a consequence...

Or maybe we should equivocate and "find a balance" between Jesus and the shitheads who crucified him?...or our current standard of more compassion and the shithead standard of Jesus' time?...

Or maybe we should embrace crucifixion even as we criticize Jesus being crucified...ignoring the fact that crucifixion gets used on an innocent, like Jesus, even as it is spared for guilty folks, like Barabbas, the thief and murderer who is released by Pontius Pilate in lieu of releasing Jesus...

Why do we all keep engaging in this stupid dance?...as if our efforts to bully our way to a better world...rather than building it...constructively...are really working?...

Why do we keep doing this?...

I mean the easy answer is...

Because we're petty...and small...and immature...and unable to face reality...no matter how much it stands before us...

Although...I think more likely...is that we are working in good faith...but just unwilling to face the reality staring us in the face...

Does anyone really believe that any punishment that they inflicted on Christ...no matter how awful the brutality...that they could have made him a better man with it?...

Does anyone really believe that?...

Does anyone really believe that Christ's captors and those responsible for inflicting punishment on him were better people than Christ?...

Does anyone really believe that Christ or anyone should make important decisions based on contrition -- meaning fear of punishment -- rather than attrition -- meaning a sincere belief that they've done something wrong?...

Do any Jews really believe that, if Jesus was not the messiah -- I don't believe he was, even as I recognize what a great man he was and what a transforming message he had for the world -- that he would or should have changed his heart or mind based on how much he was punished or brutalized?...

Does anyone really believe that?...

Because given the current political environment...

You would think that most people believe that...

That all that is needed to make the world better to get tougher on people...

That what Jesus needed was a good crucifixion...or a good beating, at least...or at least a some mildly bad treatment...to whip him in line...

And to see that he was mistaken...

Just like George Bush...

Just like John Kerry...

Just like Tom Delay...

Just like Howard Dean...

Just like Judith Miller...

Just like Matthew Cooper...

Just like Lewis Libby...

Just like Bill Clinton...

And just like a million other people...

In politics...journalism...sports...entertainment... and a million other places...

Where people need to be crucified...

Or at least pressured a little bit...

To do our bidding...

No matter whether our bidding is a good thing...or a bad thing...

And you know what the irony of it all is?...

That we do it to one another to persuade one another that we are right...

And that there is nothing that dissuades others more of our being right...than our attempts to hurt them and punish them or blame them...

Ironic, isn't it?...

You really think Pope Benedict arranging for the resignation of Father Thomas Reese at America magazine persuades Father Reese of anything?...

Do you really think that Pope Benedict can teach Father Reese to be a good man...and to condemn homosexuality...rather than allowing for an open debate and discussion on the matter within the Church?...

And more importantly...

Do you really think the Pope is right?...or the better man among the two?...

Why do we keep doing this?...

This dance of responsibility...

Everyone asserts that we want people to take it...

But noone takes it...

All the while pretending that this is the way to greater responsibility?...

Why do we keep doing this?...

Don't we care at all about building a world where people do take greater responsibility?...

Don't we care at all about actually being good...and not just looking good...not just playing our bit role in some self-righteous dance?...

Don't we care at all about actually making the world better?...and not just standing by our own self-righteous notions of it?...

As they beat Jesus with flesh-ripping weapons in the courtyard...and on the path to his own crucifixion...

I ball every time...

How do people do something like that...and never take responsibility for it?...

How do people sink to such brutality and depravity...and never see what monsters they become in the process?...

How do we all rationalize inhumanity...and never recognize it as such?...

And how in the world did the Romans and the Jewish leaders of the time...think they could do that...and that Jesus' message -- of love and compassion and forgiveness and decency and humanity -- would be wiped out by punishing him?...

Completely unaware...that the same man they were brutalizing...would capture the imaginations of Romans a century later?...

How naive...and stupid...and senselessly brute could they possibly be?...

Could we all possibly be?...

What was wrong with them?...

What is wrong with us?...

What is wrong is that the more we hurt others to get our way...

The more callous we become to it...and its consequences...for all of us...

The more aggressive and destructive we are...

The more detached we become from our humanity...

And from how aggressive and destructive we are...

Jesus is crucified...to prove that he's not the Messiah...

And his message of love...and decency...and compassion...and forgiveness...to love thy neighbor as thyself...to love thy enemy...to pluck the beams from our eyes before we pluck the splinters from the eyes of our neighbors...

All of this gets ignored...

So that non-Christians...can prove that he's not the Messiah...and to punish a blasphemer...

What is so hard...about learning the lesson...that our power to hurt...and to punish others...does not make us right...

That we can use force...in limited situations...in self-defense...to prevent future violence against us and others...and that always...as much as possible...we should use the least amount of force necessary...because no amount of force...persuades anyone that we are right...and its use often leads others to believe that we are wrong...even if we might be right...

And that our use of force...must...as much as possible...though possible is the real qualifier here...but...as much as possible...it must be used thoughtfully...

And that responsibility is not something that can be forced...it is something that must be learned...and internalized...from example...and experience...and study...

What is so hard about learning that lesson, I wonder?...

I'm not quite sure, any more...

If you haven't seen the Passion of Christ, yet, you definitely should...it's a much better movie than I gave it credit for, the first time around...my major criticism has been that it doesn't tell the story of Jesus' message, enough, I didn't think...though, on second viewing, it actually paints a pretty incredible contrast...between Jesus' message of love...even for one's enemies...and the brutality...of his persecutors and captors...

And then, as now...the debate is about who is responsible for such a tragedy...

Because then, as now...noone wants to take responsibility for it...

And so will be the fate of humanity...

Until we learn greater humanity...in the face of our stubborn inhumanity...

See the movie...if you haven't already...

Love,
Ben