Great and ordinary expectations

Devang and I just watched Great Expectations, the modern update of Dickens' novel starring Ethan Hawke and Gweneth Paltrow.

It's a great story for me because it captures so much of what it was like to grow up poor and to aspire for something bigger, to fall madly in love and to lose it inexplicably. I had much to do with my break-up, but the feeling of deep, abiding love going unrequited is something I very much identify with.

I realized watching it that I really don't care what kind of life I have financially or who I impress or which circles I swim in.

What I do care about is falling in love and raising a family with someone I really love and respect. I love and respect everyone, really. But I wouldn't mind finding a settled life with someone who has a similar deep and abiding love for me.

The tragedy of unrequited love is one of the most serious to live with. But life and hope spring from an open heart. And that's what I'm looking for more than anything else. An open heart. An open mind. And someone with something important or interesting or unique to contribute to my life. Isn't that we're all looking for?

What I care about is being a good dad and a good teacher to young people like me when I was a kid, a kid very much like Finn. And I want to raise my family with someone who is a special mom to my kids.

I don't want money or fame or power or prestige or any of that bullshit anymore.

I just want to be ordinary, and do good work. I want to have a family with a woman I love and respect. And I want my kids to live lives that they love.

I'd love to do some great things in the world in the time I have here, maybe. But truth be told I just want an ordinary life with a wife and kids. And I want to love someone who loves me as deep and abiding as I love her. And raise kids like me and my brother and sisters (maybe a little better behaved? A man can always wish:).

You know why being a nice guy, a good person, is its own reward? Because it means you get to lead a nice little life, a good life.

And that's enough for me.

Love,
Ben

Friendship

One of my very best friends in the world when I was a sophomore and junior in high school, Leslie Shoniber, just got in touch with me last night. And it meant the world to me.

Leslie was one of my closest friends at that time. And we had a falling out my junior year. And I haven't heard from her or talked with her since. And when she got in touch, I totally realized how much I had missed her.

She just happened to get ahold of me while I was watching When Harry Met Sally and reflecting on how much more mature I am today watching that movie and living through everything I've experienced up to this point.

And today I realized that there is no way around this one. I'm going to miss Brandi something terrible every day for the rest of my life. Because she was the very best friend that I have ever had in the world. Love definitely is a part of that picture. But its not the whole picture. And its not even the biggest part of that picture. You just miss anyone who you share that kind of close friendship with and you have any falling out, no matter how stubbornly you might try to think otherwise.

It was so nice to hear from Leslie. We have so much catching up to do.

And, for better or for worse, I am learning that the people in our lives are forever in our hearts, no matter how much we try to pretend otherwise or no matter how much we lose track.

I need a nap in a serious way. I have a headache from so little sleep.

Love,
Ben