A little honesty

A conversation with a friend of mine, this last weekend, helped convince me of something.

The world often works out the way it is supposed to. Most of my problems are of my own making.

I and everyone around me has just needed a word that I and they could count on.

I think I finally understand what that means - my word. It means that when I say something, it happens.

I've been holding out for a seemless, sustainable, unforced version of that commitment. Because it is the only one that would have any chance of me being able to maintain it in my life. I think I may be there, I hope. But I still have a track record to establish. And I'm responsible for all of the mistrust in my word in the meantime.

I wish I could have made it a reality in my life quicker. But I've had a lot of learning to do to make that possible. And I regret every serious relationship I hurt or lost or fell through on or flaked out on in the meantime. But the learning had to take place for me to internalize the lessons. I don't care, anymore, how harsh the world is about that. It doesn't do any goddamn good. And the more harshly the world treats me, the less I trust it, is the truth. That's true of everyone, if we were honest about it. Hence all the cynicism. Which only wills out as long as we can imagine no other alternative. Hence the choices I've made and the learning I've done with my life.

I've got to get to bed. I've got a long day tomorrow and long days for the rest of the year. I've got kids to be a better example for.

Love,
Ben