Totally random, today...
I realized that I have an apology due to some old friends of mine...three teachers...Tom Skrtic...Jeannie Tramill...and Wayne Sailor...
It's a long way back...like 2 years...
And I don't think they read my blog, regularly...
It's a long story...but the short and long of it was that I was really scared about a situation in my life...about losing a job...feeling betrayed about the whole situation...since the truth was that I cared very much about doing well at that job and, in most ways, was far exceeding their expectations, I think...but it was a complicated situation, all around...and in the midst of it... not knowing what to do...I really took it out on my teachers...like really bad...and I just feel like a schmuck, for it...
It was in email...which makes the need for a personal apology all the more necessary, I think...I just think they deserve to hear it in person, if possible...
You ever notice how the older you get...the more experiences you have in life...the more understanding you get of peoples' limitations?...and your own...hopefully?...that's definitely my experience...
I feel so bad about this situation...but I just need to find a way to approach them -- there are three people involved -- and just tell them I'm sorry...
And when I think about it...I begin to realize just how we make progress after taking steps backwards...
How love and compassion and responsibility and more thoughtfulness are the only things that make sense when are darker impulses...fear, in my case...and cynicism...and hatred...and control...
When all of these fail us...
The truth is that these teachers did so much to help me and support me...intellectually...financially (Tom awarded me a pretty amazingly generous graduate stipend with really generous conditions, relative to other grad students)...and emotionally...especially in Jeannie's case...but also in Tom's case, some...they were really terrific...not ideal...noone is...but really terrific...and brilliant...and compassionate...and thoughtful...
I was just kind of blinded by my fear in the moment...and by my anger and bitterness, in the moment, that I was being treated unfairly I believed and believe...because I was following my own drummer...rather than towing the line...
It's a really delicate situation...so I don't think it's as easy as just going to them, saying hi, and saying I'm sorry...it's something that may take some time, perhaps...
I don't know:):)...we'll see:):)...
I just know...that at least I wanted to put it out there in the world...in case that I die in a car accident or I'm hit by a bus:):)...
That I'm sorry:):)...and that I really appreciate everything they did for me:):)...I really appreciate what great teachers and colleagues they were/are to me:):)...and everything they do to make KU such a great school:):)...
I've thought many times since I've been out of school how much more decent and constructive and thoughtful and humane and functional and productive and effective university environments, generally, and my graduate school, specifically, are than most of the work and life experiences I've had in the "real world" (because universities, you know, are not part of the real world:):):)LOL:):):)...they're just ivory towers living in the fantasy world of college campuses outside of real world day-to-day existence:):):)LOL:):):)...
And Tom and Jeannie and Wayne, in particular, did/have done a really terrific job as teachers and advisors and friends than do most...
I'm really proud to call them my teachers:):):)...and mentors:):):)...and friends:):):)...
Because they do so much to make things better in schools:):)...and in this world:):):)...
After the response the Katrina...and Rita...and the lingering bitterness over 9/11...it's more clear to me...that all of us have a tendency to get lost in our fears...our anger...our bitterness...our heartache...when life goes awry:):):)...
But that it's just heartache...
And when the darkness clears...hopefully...we can see the world with a stronger light:):):)...
Thanks Tom...Jeannie...Wayne:):):)...for all your support of my really very outstanding education at the University of Kansas:):):)...
And thanks for being such great leaders in my community...and in the bigger communities...of policy...of education...and in special education:):):)...
Thanks for doing your best...and for your best to be such a better example than most:):):)...
And thanks for nurturing my opportunity to contribute what I have to contribute:):):)...in my short time on this planet:):):)...
Have a great day, everyone:):):)...
Love,
Ben
