It turns out, losing everything was probably the best thing that happened to me
I've had a really amazing revelation, today.
For 6 years, now - it will 6 years exactly August 5, I believe; Brandi and I broke up a month before 9/11 - I've been mourning my loss of Brandi in my life and our really sweet romance from the end of my college days to near the end of my grad school experience.
It was a really beautiful time in my life. One of the most beautiful and warm and wonderful times in my life. If you have never been in love, for real, I highly recommend it. It is the bomb, as the kiddies say.
And for 6 years, I've been mourning, Brandi. Because she is likely, still, the most amazing young woman I've met in my life. And because, quite accidentally, I'm sure, some advice she gave to me about some diet choices I was facing, completely changed my life and form the core of personal experiences that have helped me see, better, the role of freedom in our lives and our development.
But, today, after a summer of freedom and reflection and the development of a sustainable, purposeful, and happy commitment to a life of service and independence, it has occurred to me that I couldn't have found the peace and freedom and happiness that I feel today with Brandi or with grad school or anyone, likely, who wouldn't have supported my freedom and my learning.
It turns out, I think, that losing Brandi and leaving school may have been the best things that happened to me. It would have been great to have both and have all this freedom and the sustained and unburdened sense of commitment and responsibility that is has provided. But this was more important, it's completely clear to me, today.
My life is far better for all of this freedom I have had and taken for myself. And no other person or credential or anything could have given me that.
I love Brandi. I miss her. I love my professors, is the truth. And all the grad students I studied with. And I loved my grad school experience, like I loved my undergrad experience.
But the freedom and independence to make a life for myself, to fuck up as much as I needed to and learn and not have people trying to control me in the process, has been more important to me than anything that love or guidance from anyone else could have offered or provided.
I still cry every time I hear Dar Williams' February or Tracy Chapman's The Promise or Hootie and the Blowfish's Let Her Cry or Annie Lennox's Every Time We Say Goodbye off the Red, Hot, and Blue album. Because I loved Brandi more than I had loved anyone in my life, I think. And I still think about the folks at KU, and friends and colleagues who have tried to strong-arm me and who I've not seen in some time.
But more than all those folks, I love myself enough to recognize that I have needed as much freedom as I have afforded myself during this time without Brandi and without my professors and fellow students and without friends or colleagues who have tried to force themselves on me much more.
That's been a great and hard realization to come to, after years of asking that question, "Has this all been worth it?"
A clear yes, is the answer for me, today. And as much as I miss all those people. I'm really glad I took that freedom and independence and my own life and thought and conscience so seriously.
Losing everything, as it turns out, was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Or rather, the freedom that came with losing all that stuff (losing it all without the freedom would have just been been useless tragedy)has probably been the best thing that has happened to me.
I've got stuff I need to box up for my move. And I've got work to do before the school year starts. But I just wanted to take a moment and reflect on a time in my life that has, in a very unexpected way, been a really crazy but great dawn of something new in my life.
In honor of new dawns, I am posting some of the music of the current era that might qualify as great music of the present time (though, I should qualify that the great music I hear these days does not seem to get much radio play and the shit they play on the radio is often senselessly and soullessly commercial and lacking in creativity or substance. The failure of radio to deliver better music is my beef with the current era. But there are certainly artists who are making their go of it).
If anyone has suggestions for this category, the the 90's music/videos - the last great era in music, as far as I'm concerned - or any of the playlists that I post up here, please offer them up. I make no pretenses of omnipotence. So whatever you have to offer would be really interesting and appreciated.
Enjoy:)
Love,
Ben
