A life worth living

I spent some quality time with a good friend, last night. And he told me a story that helped me clarify, for myself, what I want with my life.

We were talking about raising kids and growing up. My friend is a dad. A good dad. And we were just talking about time we spent with our fathers at the movies, growing up. I recalled a drive-in my father took us to that was a kind of a rare treat - though I saw many, many movies as a kid, I probably watched more of them with my grandparents than I did with my dad, for lots of reasons, I suppose - and my friend recalled several different stories of drive-ins and movies that he and his sister and his dad shared.

And it occurred to me, at that point, that that was really the kind of life I wanted. There's a lot of big ambitions I have and have had, over the years. And during a time in my life when I did not have a family and I took the relationship I had for granted, all I really wanted was those ambitions. I was obsessed, I think my girlfriend at the time would agree. So obsessed that it was often a disruption for our relationship, which I didn't have enough experience with, at the time, to prioritize over other ambitions.

But, at this point in my life, I am perfectly clear, I suppose because I've been without that or another comparable relationship for almost 7 years, now, that being in love, having a marriage, having a family, spending time with my wife and kids, these are the things I really care about more, today.

When I was in undergrad, I imagined what it would have been like to write something so profound, as so many of the philosophers and thinkers I read had, that people would still be reading what you wrote hundreds of years after you wrote them.

And to me, at the time, this was what a great life might consist of.

There might be truth in that. I have an aspiration like that with a book I'm working on.

But the truth, I realize, today, is that I would never, in as many hundreds of years, trade a life of ambitious writing, thinking, or anything for a life where I have the time and inclination to spend that kind of quality time with my wife and kids, with my family.

And I no longer spend my life anxious about whether or not I would or would not fit in with various intellectual, political, journalistic, academic, or other circles that consumed me when I was in grad school and busy taking that relationship for granted.

I just want a nice life with my kids and wife and friends and family, is the truth. My upbringing and still too much of my family life is full of far too much drama, unecessary and self-righteous conflict and foolish turmoil, and has generally left me with a grounded commitment to a family life that is fairly peaceful and loving and quality time together.

I'm realistic enough, at this point in my life, to know that my kids will make their own choices with their lives, including how happy they are going to be, as they grow up, and that it is wise to have my own life, as well, that is not contingent on their lives or happiness.

But I just don't feel as caught up or as lost in the rat race or all of the anxieties that such a race often consists of that I'm not convinced do for me and my life what I thought they might, at one point. I am still ambitious. Just not in a way that would undermine or take for granted these more important priorities of marriage and family and quality time with people I love.

That's a life worth living, I think.

My uncle Tom, who I think raised a really great family with my Aunt Linda and their six daughters, including my cousin Carla, who I feel really close to as we get older, told me when I was first graduating from college that some people live to work and other people work to live. And what he meant is that some people work because they are convinced that those ambitions will bring more of what they want in life, whereas some people work so that they can provide for their family and then live their lives in time that was left, instead of making their careers and ambitions their entire lives or the center of their lives.

I guess I'm figuring out where my center in life is, I suppose is what I'm saying. I'm figuring out what a life worth living might look like.

I used to watch movies like A River Runs Through It or When Harry Met Sally to get an idea of what a more idealic relationship or more idealic family life might look like.

But movies do always have the drawback of only being movies.

And that simple conversation with a good friend gave me a more realistic idea of what it is that I might want in life.

And I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm completely clear that though ambition, recognition, even money might play roles in my life, that the truth is that I have no interest, nor have I ever had an interest, in any of these things being central to my life.

Maybe that's why so many political folks seem a little out of touch with average folks. Maybe their ambitions center more in their lives, too much in their lives, than do their families or the people they love. Maybe. Who knows.

All I know is that what I really want is to spend time watching movies and going to drive-ins with my kids. I want to get Chinese and watch cable all night on weekends, like my grandparents use to do with my brothers and sisters growing up. I want to be a good dad and a good husband far more than I want to be a well-known or widely-read author or even a respected teacher or rich businessman or any other ambition, for that matter.

And I don't want to ever take the priority for granted in my life ever again.

Sounds like a live worth living, to me. I suppose I better find a girlfriend, at some point, to get the ball rolling.