New feelings, old feelings

I've met a girl in my practicum that has me facing some pretty difficult feelings. She's nice and smart. Just the combination I'm looking for.

Today, when I was hanging out with her, I found myself asking myself, "Does this mean that Brandi is gone forever?"

It's had me hurting ever since I thought that.

I miss Brandi something awful is the truth. I miss how much she opened up my heart and my life. I miss our experiences together, in Wichita, in D.C., in Lawrence, and in Kansas City. I miss being able to reminisce with someone about the most mind-opening, open-hearted time in my life. I miss having a real connection to that time in my life. I hate all of the cynicism I encounter in adults. And I miss having a companion who shared and nurtured my idealism, before she got swallowed up by all of the cynicism that is so plentiful in the world, I'm afraid.

Most adults are pretty cynical, is the truth. As Joe says in Joe Vs. Volcano, when they were young they were full of piss and vinegar. They wanted to know. Everything. And then they had some experiences.

Most adults get hurt. And their hearts start to close up. And the cynicism begins to creep in and take over so much of their hearts and minds and outlooks on life. It's kind of sad, really. And Brandi is no different, I'm convinced, though I haven't seen her in 5 years or so, so it's hard to confirm that.

And right now is a moment when cynicism is getting far too much play in our lives, because we've decided to give into it and to empower it, even when, down deep in our hearts, we know better.

I miss not having all this pain and cynicism clogging up my heart. I miss being able to listen to a young love song and not feel pity or cynicism because I think my pain means more than it really does. I miss not having all this shit on my heart to try to filter all my experiences in the world, through. And I especialy miss a time when the all the responsible people I knew in the world weren't trying to convince me, all the time, that the cynical realities of the world were the ones I should settle for because their hearts were too lost in their pain and disappointment with the world. Fuck their pain, I say. They don't want to deal with it and get over it, then shut the fuck up and stop trying to pull young people down into your pain and cynicism.

I miss experiencing that kind of unqualified, uncynical, unbaggaged kind of love. The kind that you don't think about, because you're too busy just loving it.

That pain hangs on my heart like a bad cold that just won't go away.

I love the idea of meeting someone new. But I hate the idea of giving up my memories of my beautiful little romance with Brandi. And my heart is aching for it, tonight.

Love,
Ben