Feeling lonely:):):)...loving friends:):):):)...and wondering what the hell has happened to my friend, Brandi Fisher:):):)...

I'm listening to the best album I've heard of Dar Williams'...the Out There Live Album...an all live album of Dar's greatest hits, including Better Things...February...The Babysitter's Here...The Christians and the Pagans...When I Was a Boy...I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono...Are You Out There...What Do You Here in These Sounds...Iowa:):):)...The Ocean:):)...Spring Street:):)...As Cool as I Am:):):)...If I Wrote You...End of the Summer...and After All:):):)...

A ton of really wonderful Dar Williams hits:):):)...if you haven't heard February, The Babysitter's Here, The Christians and the Pagans, When I Was a Boy, Iowa, I Won't Be Your Yoko Ono, and Are You Out There, especially, then you really haven't ever lived:):):):):):)...

I'm feeling kind of lonely lately:):):)...a bunch of things:):):)...

Melissa and I have broken up:):):)...and she's been spending a lot more time (3 nights in one week:):):), with one of my very best friends and a guy that I think would be great for Melissa and whom I've thought from the first time I saw them both in the same room would be a great match for Melissa:):):)...my friend...Dave Gilham:):):)...

I'm totally happy for Melissa and for Dave:):):)...and have totally encouraged and supported their spending time together:):):)...

I've just been missing having Melissa around because she's always such a good listener and it's like having one of your best friends start hanging out with someone of the opposite sex...so you don't get to spend as much time with them, you know?:):):)...

And I'm just kind of missing having Melissa around:):):):):):)...and the amount of time that we've spent together in the last year or so:):):):):):)...I'll really miss it when we aren't doing it every day any more:):):):):):)...

So I'm feeling kind of lonely right now:):):)...

Melissa and I went out last night and saw the town of Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...we ate at this really wonderful little restaraunt called Alladin's Cafe, here in Lawrence:):):)...a wonderful little Middle Eastern/Mediterranean exotic/liberal restaraunt/hang-out here in Lawrence:):):)...we had really yummy vegitarian food:):):)...and had these really wonderful, cute little waitresses waiting on us:):):)...

Melissa and I talked quite a bit yesterday about us...about being broken up:)...about seeing other people:):)...about having sex with other people:):):)...about me still and always planning my future wedding:):):)...especially when I'm single and I've nothing better to do:):):)...about me looking at other women and her looking at other men in public when we're together:):):)...about how we relate, now, differently, since we're broken up:):):)...

It's funny:):):)...it's like being broken up has brought Melissa and I closer together rather than led us to feel farther apart, as is common in former relationships and is certainly true, right now, with a certain ex-girlfriend in my life:):):):):):)...

Brandi hasn't written me in almost 2 weeks...

And this despite the fact that my last correspondence with her was asking her if she might visit my grandmother when she was in Wichita next (she goes often) just to say hi since we're not exactly sure how much longer she'll be with us:)...

Brandi was really loved in my family and I'm sure that my grandma would love to see her:)...

It was a really important request for me...

And Brandi's completely blown it off...

I haven't heard anything:(...

Brandi used to be my best friend...she used to be the most sensitive person I knew...the person I could count on, most, to be supportive during a hard time...

And, right now, I can hardly count on her for anything at all, really...

Not even friendship, right now...

For whatever convoluted reasons that she's conjured up in a heart and mind that I just don't really understand anymore, really...

It's not just that Brandi keeps everything from me, these days...

It's that I just don't get her anymore...

She's changed...

And not for the better...

Not writing -- even out of sympathy or just to say that she couldn't make it to Wichita -- is REALLY OUT OF CHARACTER for Brandi...

I don't know what's going on with Ms. Fisher, but I'm REALLY CONCERNED...

I told Brandi a long time, it seems now, that I had a best friend in high school who got lost in a world of drugs for a long time and it really created some distance between us, at the time...

His name was Mike Coupland...

He was my best friend from high school...

We were best friends...and competitors...as students...as forensics speakers and debaters...and theater kids...as boys in high school looking for support and attention like any kids in high school, really...

And Mike started getting convinced that he couldn't compete with me, anymore...

I was doing more successfully in forensics, at the time...even though Mike and I were also doing successfully together, as duo partners...and not so successfully, later -- my senior year -- as debate partners...but still in it all together...I thought...

But my sophomore year of high school, things started falling apart in Mike's family...and Mike started to slip away from me...

We got in a big fight...physically...Mike beat the shit out of me before I left his house and didn't return to see him at all for quite a long time...

And then my senior year, Mike and I started hanging out again:)...we were debate partners...doing poorly...but together nonetheless:)...

And then the day before/of our regional debate tournament that qualified us for nationals...Mike completely lamed out on me...

One of the biggest debate tournaments for us (since we weren't that good and there was NO WAY IN HELL we were going to NFL Nationals:):):) of the year...

...and Mike just decided he wasn't going to show...

I lost track of Mike for a couple years again...

...when out of the blue he called me from Alaska...in the Air Force...where he was stationed...he joined up after we graduated:):):)...it was a dream of Mike's for quite a while, at that point...

...the dream of a kid who missed and never really knew, very well, a biological father who had been in the military:):):)...

Mike was married and had a daughter at that point:):):)...

...but he didn't seem much happier:(...

He was still lost in drugs (since Mike was stationed in Alaska for drugs and all charges are in the past, I think it's ok to share this...I hope so, at least)...he was not happy in his relationship...or as a father...

Mike had just not really grown up much...or at least not enough to feel confident as a man...and as a husband...and as a father...since I knew him in high school...and the military, clearly, had not really facilitated that maturity very well, either...

...and in Mike's case, they really had no excuse...

...Mike was a bright, creative, ambitious young man...

Clearly, Mike's life is his own, primarily...

But the military's responsibility with kids like Mike, as much as preparing them to kill and fight, is to facilitate their maturity...to support them through a difficult and challenging and often scary time in a young person's life, as Dean Mundy so well describes in his Mundy's Musings on Christianity, referring to similarly aged young men and women going off to college when they are young freshman-aged students:):):)...

Mike moved back to Wichita and we hung out a little bit when I was still going to school at Wichita State University:):):)...I liked hanging out with Mike, again:):):)...though I often did feel like I was still taking care of Mike and supporting him where he struggled to take care of himself:)...

...but, then again, we all need help, sometimes...I'm definitely not an exception to that:):):)...at all:):):)...

...but...for whatever reasons...since I was just coming off of a break-up with my then girlfriend, Jenny Burrington...and was yet to meet my soon-to-be best friend...and...later...girlfriend...Brandi Fisher...I just didn't feel strong enough to support Mike at the time...

Which was really ironic and self-centered on my part...given my anger and hurt and frustration with my sister, Jenny, at the time who was not supportive enough with me as I dealt with my very difficult feelings following Jenny Burrington's and my break-up, for VERY SIMILAR REASONS:):):)...

I guess, even though I was overwhelmed emotionally...with very few resources immediately available to me to handle my situation better...that I was being a little self-centered with Mike, given my own needs, as well:)...

But the whole point, here, is that Mike took a LONG SLIDE from this really bright, ambitious, competitive, creative, sensitive, wonderful guy I knew...

Into this really self-centered...fragile...often unable to cope...or deal with life's challenges...guy...who still had the glimmer of the brighter, ambitious, sensitive, creative, competitive, wonderful guy that I once knew:):):)...

And I told Brandi, at one point, as she starting acting in ways that I really didn't recognize or understand...that I was concerned that she was taking a similar slide...

And not answering back after I tell Brandi about what's going on with my grandmother is really the last bit of confirming evidence for me that Brandi is in trouble...and not really dealing with it...

And it makes very sad:(...

Brandi is angry with me, right now, because I was honest with her in a way she didn't want to here:(...

She was kind of shitting on me in a recent email and I finally told her that I was tired of eating her shit...and that I didn't understand our relationship, at all, these days...Brandi says she wants to be friends...I say that I want to be friends...but Brandi can't handle it...

Which I don't understand, at all, of course, since it makes no sense to me, at all that being broken up means that you can't be friends:)...Melissa and I are navigated fairly well, right now, I think:):):)...

But neither Brandi nor Greg, I don't think, can handle right now...

And...in the meantime...instead of being responsible for that...

Fisher kept putting that shit off on me...

And I had finally had enough of it...

And Brandi has decided that instead of being responsible for that and growing up a little bit and learning to be a big girl with a husband and a friend and ex-boyfriend, that instead she's just gonna hide in her marriage from a friendship that I really value/valued...because it's just too tough for her to grow up a little bit...

I told Brandi that when she and I were together that I never really though twice about seeing Jenny -- my ex-girlfriend...who called me up about 3 years or so into my relationship with Brandi after a divorce...and feeling depressed and wanting some support:) -- because I was TOTALLY in love with Brandi:):):)...there was no question about my commitments to Brandi...and my commitment to my ex-girlfriend as a friend was equally important to me, and was in no way threatening to my relationship with Brandi:):):)...

...because I was UTTERLY and COMPLETELY HEAD OVER HEELS IN LOVE WITH BRANDI FISHER:):):):):):)...

...and there was nothing she had to worry about:):):):):):)...

...because there was NO WAY IN HELL OR ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH that I was going to cheat on her or leave her:):):):):):)...because I -- and I hope she -- was COMPLETELY CLEAR about where my love and my commitments lay:)...

And I told Brandi that if she doesn't feel that same way about her husband then she must not really know what love is really like:):):)...because I did/do...and if Brandi is really in love with Greg...as I was with Brandi...

...then there should be no issue in seeing me or talking with me or hanging out...

...and certainly not with returning emails:)...

...and certainly not with returning emails about my grandmother who I'm concerned may not get to see Brandi if Brandi won't initiate a visit before she passes from our lives:(...

And Brandi -- after almost 2 weeks of emails -- still has nothing to say...

I hope Brandi comes back from whereever she's gone...

Because Brandi was/is one of the most remarkable people I've ever met in my life...

And to watch someone of her caliber take this kind of slide is really difficult to helplessly stand by and let happen...

I feel very much like my friend, Todd's, newest character of study:):):)...and a REALLY GREAT idea for an updated play that's he's working on:):):)...

Prometheus...of Aeschylus' ancient greek tragedy, Prometheus Bound:):):):):):)...

Prometheus brings fire to human beings and thus gives them power...

Zeus punishes humans for their new found power...

And Prometheus must stand helplessly by watching human beings suffer with the fire that he brought to them, unable to do anything to end their suffering...

I hope Brandi finds her fire again...because right now she's in a place that I don't know or recognize or understand...one that I don't even have too many details about since she shares so little with me, these days...

And I can only hope that she will dig her way out of whatever hole she's dug herself into...

I've made it all the way through Dar's greatest hits album:):):)...I'm listening to the song that originally roped me into Dar Williams, an artist I first discovered with Brandi, The Christians and the Pagans:):):):):):)...

I hope Brandi will find it in her heart, at some point, to "find faith and common ground," as the Christians and Pagans do in Dar's beautiful little tune:):):)...

In our case, it's really not quite as difficult or as dramatic:):):)...

In Dar's song, the young lesbian pagan couple have not seen or talked with their Christian relatives in quite a while:):):)...

And when Christmas and Solstice brings them together for a common holiday celebration, they seek faith and common ground amidst a significant break in their not-quite-so-close-or-intimate relationship:):):)...

For Brandi and I, it is seeking faith and common ground between a Christian/Pagan/Jew/Buddhist/soft atheist/agnostic/secular humanist/academic and universally spiritual dude and a Reform Jew after two weeks of no mutual communication in a relationship where they have talked almost if not every week for almost 9 years...and who talked EVERY DAY before that, for almost 5 and 1/2 years...

But even though it's only been 2 weeks...it's the longest time I've ever spent not communicating with Brandi that I can remember...and it makes me really sad:(...

Most of all because I don't think I've done anything wrong...

Except be honest with her...

Which is exactly what a friend/best friend does...and which is what I expect and often get from Brandi...and why I've always considered her my best friend...the reason why she sticks out so much...

Because she's always more loving and honest and than any of my friends...

And I miss her loving and honest voice in my life, right now:(...

And as Akon and Alvin of the Chipmunks, sing...it makes me feel...

"Lonely...so lonely"...

There's this girl that Melissa and I saw yesterday eating outside while we were walking down Massachusetts who is really sweet...and really attractive:):):)...and who I know -- from previous, quiet encounters, I know is attracted to me:):):)...she's a real sweetheart:):):)...

I don't even know her name:):):)...but she's a realy sweety:):):)...and very social:):):)...and really outgoing and willing to take social risks:):):)...all reasons that attracted me to Brandi as a human being, nevertheless as a potential friend or girlfriend, when I first met her:):):)...

And right now...I'm trying to let go of my relationship/friendship with Brandi altogether...at least for awhile...until Fisher gets her shit figured out:):):)...

And I think I'll be asking out this girl as soon as I see her again in a setting where I might be able to talk with her/get to know her a little bit:):):)...

And in the meantime:):):)...a friendship with Brandi will just have to wait, I guess, until she can grow up a little bit:):):)...

I sure hope that's sooner rather than later:):):)...

Joel and Julie caught Melissa and I at Borders, last night:):):)...and we went to Liberty to see Woody Allen's newest movie, Melinda, Melida, which I HIGHLY recommend to anyone interested:):):)...Woody Allen is still the master:):):)...and this movie demonstrates the staying power of his talents and vision as a filmmaker:):):)...one of his best:):):):):):)...a tribute to theater of the 40's, 50's, and 60's, set in the long view of tragedy and comedy throughout the ages...and set, immediately, in 21st Century New York City, of course:):):):):):)...a really wonderful little story of the wonderful little accidents that lead to love and friendship for all of us:):):):):):)...

I highly recommend:):):)...

And it was really neat to hang out with Joel and Julie and Melissa and Joel and Julie's friend, Joe, and Pam Grout and her new beau, and Matt and everyone else we met and hung with last night:):):)...enjoying time together with people who love you and support you NO MATTER WHAT:):):):):):)...I love my friends from EMU:):):)...Joel and Julie, in particular:):):)...and Melissa, as always, of course:):):)...

And it was a nice antidote to my lonliness from earlier that day:):):)...and a good memory to help me through lonliness today:):):)...

Thanks to Akon for the beautiful song:):):)...to Woody Allen for the beautiful movie:):):)...

By the way...the reason why I think Melinda, Melinda may be one if not THE BEST Woody Allen film?...

Because...for once:):):):):):)...

Love works out for almost everyone in this movie:):):):):):)...despite themselves:):):):):):)...

And for once, Woody Allen seemed to really believe in love:):):):):):)...

Good for Woody:):):):):):)...and for the rest of us:):):):):):)...

A superb movie:):):)...

And a superb night:):):)...

I hope everyone has a great day:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

U2:):):)...

I've trying posting this piece on U2 FIVE times -- at least -- now, on my tripod blog for TWO days, and NO LUCK:(...

So:):):):)...even though my blogspot blog doesn't post things until a day after, at this point, it seems the better option if a bit anti-climactic given the "in the moment" nature of the blog...oh well...

I listened all morning, yesterday morning, to U2's Rattle and Hum album:):):)...The Greatest Album on the Face of the Planet:):):)...I love these bastards:):):)...

When you get to the bottom, you go back to the top...of the slide, and you stop and turn and you go for a ride, then you get to the bottom, then you see me again!!!:):):):):):)...

I would give both fucking testacles and my left ass cheek to see these fuckers in Kansas City when they come here this summer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:):):):):):):):):):)...

I FUCKING LOVE U2...I'm not gay, but if I was...nah...I couldn't do anything gay with Bono:):):):):):)...he's just too much heterosexual man for me:):):):):):):):):):)...and, as I always say, if I ever fucked a man, I'd have to be the top:):):)...and I'd never think of Bono the same again head down in a pillow:):):):):):) (I think I just made my friends Dolly and Jay just hurl their fucking oatmeal with that line:):):):):):)...

OK:):):)...I just spent all of Helter Skelter (and two playbacks to get lyrics right:):):), writing about U2:):):)...that's how much I love U2...that I will put off writing about terrorism or poverty or violence or chits or sex or drugs or rock-and-roll or what the fuck ever to write about my favorite fucking band on the entire fucking planet:):):):):):)...

I am now listening to Van Diemen's Land, which, if you haven't heard it, is this really fucking beautiful song that the Edge, U2's lead guitarist (I love that U2 is so big that most people who might read this don't need me to spell out information like that:):):):):):), wrote and SINGS (which is an Edge rarity:):):):):):)...

And now I'm listening to this useless fucking interview that U2 does with this pretensious little young music critic/journalist:):):):):)...and now Desire:):):)...

See...as I complain with ALL my friends:):):):):):)...THESE were the fucking days:):):):):):)...when U2 sang this SOULFUL fucking MEANINGFUL music full of anger and sadness and purpose:):):):):):):):):):):):)...THESE were the fucking days:):):):):):)...I love the new single that Bono sings and dedicates to his father, who just passed away:):):):):):):):)...

But something about the sound of U2 -- not just the lyrics or the absence of enough politics in their music (though they do have a new single about the AIDS crisis in Africa that I haven't heard yet and am eager to hear:):):), is just not as soulful as when they were these young kids out of Ireland just making it big:):):):):):)...

This movie, by the way, if you haven't seen it is THE SINGLE BEST ROCK MUSIC MOVIE/DOCUMENTARY that I've ever seen, and was my first real introduction to U2...it is the documentary/concert movie of their Joshua Tree tour, which was, of course, one of the most popular and beloved albums and tours in America, and likely the world:):):)...

...surprisingly...my early encounters with U2 were not really so positive:):):)...I was not familiar with U2 much outside of early radio play, which I was, frankly, more spooked by than inspired by:):):):):):)...I love With or Without You, now:):):):):):)...but when I was in 8th grade and heard it while at a party with my first real girlfriend (and my first real kiss:):):):):):)...yeah...you know what kind of kiss I'm talking about:):):):):):):):):)...tongue and everything:):):):):):):):):), Nannette McNeil:):):):):):), I don't know...maybe it was because it was my first real party and I was nervous...or maybe it was because I was in 8th grade and just too young to understand a song like With or Without You...or maybe because With or Without You has that really creepy/seductive feeling of the Police's I'll Be Watching You:):):):):):)...I don't know what the fuck it was...but for some wierd fucking crazy reason, when I first remember hearing U2, I didn't like 'em:):):):):):)...but then I saw that early fucking Bono haircut:):):)...you know the one I'm talking about:):):)...the wild spike on top with the long, untamed tresses behind:):):):):):)...the one that made him look like the little artsy fuck he was back in those days:):):):):):) (and where I'd like his little Irish, AIDS lobbying, 60-year-old-rich-and-famous-aging-rock-and-roll ass to go back to:):):):):):):):):)...and I was sold:):):):):):)...

OK:):):):):):)...we've now made it through Hawkmoon 269, which is an AWESOME song, by the way:):):):):):)...and we are now on their cover of All Along the Watchtower:):):) (which I think is my favorite cover/version of that song...sorry Jimmy...sorry Bob...but Bono is the just the fuckin' man:):):):):):)...

My favorite song on this album, probably my favorite U2 song, and quite possibly my favorite song of all time is the next song coming out (which I'm skipping to now just because I love it so much:):):)...it's the Rattle and Hum version of "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For":):):):):):)...

If you have not heard this version, you must immediately slash your left wrist, donate blood, and use the proceeds to buy this fucking album:):):)...

...or you could just use Bearshare:):):):):):)...

The Rattle and Hum version has this INCREDIBLE gospel choir in the background that is giving me chills right now this very second:):):):):):)...it is AWESOME:):):):):):)...THIS is what I mean by SOULFUL:):):):):):)...

I would DIE A SLOW AND TORTUROUS DEATH OF ANYONE'S CHOOSING to see/hear this song (gospel style...or any style, really:):):) in concert:):):):):):)...

I have been to many concerts...but I have never seen Bono, the Edge, Larry Mullins, and Adam Clayton live on stage:):):):):):)...and I would definitely give anything to see/meet them:):):):):):):)...

God, this song fucks with my heart in ALL THE RIGHT WAYS:):):):):):):):):):)...and a song I only understand fully much older in life:):):):):):):):):)...

Coming next:):):)...Freedom for My People:):):):):):)...

And, then:):):)...we'll go back to All Along the Watchtower:):):):):):)...and maybe listen to I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For again:):):):):):)...

There must be some way out of here:):):)...said the joker to the thief:):):):)...

If you cannot tell:):):):)...I am TOTALLY JAMMING to U2, right now:):):):):):)...I love U2:):):)...

They remind me of this really AWESOME time in my life when I was just beginning to really come into my own:):):)...I really got into U2 during my junior year of high school:):):)...I was just beginning to get much more substantially independent of my father and my family:):):) (and I didn't regularly say words like "substantially":):):):):):)...I was going away a lot during the summers to camps at places like Baltimore, for the International Hugh O'Brien Youth Organization conference...or Indianapolis, for the National Future Teacher's Academy at Indiana University:):):):):):)...or Emporia State University for the Kansas Future Teacher's camp:):):)...or Wichita, for the local HOBY conference:):):)...or the University of Kansas for Boy's State:):):)...when I think about it:):):)...I spent much more time on university campuses at that time then I really realized:):):)...

Which was exactly what was going on during my life at that time:):):):):):)...

I was preparing to go away to college...to a world that I had always dreamed of:):):)...where intelligence and imagination and creativity is nurtured and supported:):):):):):)...a place (even if, in some ways it was still, partly, only fantasy:):):), of freedom of thought and expression and a place where I could much more substantially just be myself:):):):):):)...

I left home the year after my senior year, moved into the house of a fraternity that heavily recruited me:):):) (and where I could move to for cheap and where the guys seemed to like me a lot:):):)...even if it was only, partly, because I would bring great grades to the house:):):):):):)...and I got a life of my own:):):):):):):):):)...

...all of which was some of the best years of my life:):):):):):)...because I was finally becoming my own man:):):):):):)...

...and doing so in a place that, as much substantially as symbolically, was a place where I could develop my own mind:):):):):):)...

A great time in my life:):):):):):)...Jennifer Lipka:):):):):):) (not a girlfriend:):):)...but one of my best friends, at the time:):):)...from a the town that has produced many, many outstanding people in the world and in my life including Jason Abramowitz, Dolly Johnson, David Blick, David Gilham, Skinny Jay Adams, The Duke, their coaches Gill Cooper and Jerry Miller, Holly of Holly and Nigel, Kelsey Johnson?:):):), Tyler?:):):)...and everyone else from the great land of Pittsburg, Kansas:):):):):):)...

...visit here to see the home of my friends and now family:):):):):):)...

www.pittstate.edu/

...right now I'm listening to one of my favorite songs on this album:):):)...Silver and Gold:):):)...

...which has this really FUCKING AWESOME speech by Bono in the middle of it:):):)...which is really fucking appropriate for this time in my life:):):)...where Bono takes some time to talk about the writing of this song...in a hotel room...at a concert put together by a friend of their's, Little Stephen of Artists Against Apartheid...Bono spends about 30 seconds describing the conditions of apartheid and their inspiration for the writing of the song:):):)...

...and at the end of his little speech he asks, "Am I bugging you?":):):):):):)...

...and he VERY SARCASTICALLY answers, "Don't mean to bug ya...OK, Edge...play the blues!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"........

...and play the blues the Edge does:):):)...along with this really awesome percussion jam from Larry Mullins:):):):):):):):):)...the visual I get from listening to that little instrumental riff is AWESOME:):):):):)...

And now...probably my other favorite U2 song of all time and favorite song of all time...

Pride...In the Name of Love:):):):):)....An angry, defiant, beautiful song about the assassination of my hero, Dr. Martin Luther King...

In the name of love...one fall in the name of love...

In the name of love...one fall in the name of love...

Early morning...April 4...shot rings out in a Memphis...

Free at last...they took your life...they could not take your PRIDE:):):):):):):):):):)...

In the name of love...one fall in the name of love....

Oh-oh-oh-oh:):):):):):)...Bono sings:):):)...

Oh-oh-oh-oh:):):):):):)...the crowd sings back:):):)...

For the Reverend Martin Luther King, Bono speaks back:):):)...SING...

I fuckin' love that song:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

OK:):):)...this has been almost an exclusive U2 dedication:):):)...and I haven't even gotten to my big news yet:):):)...

Angel of Harlem is playing right now, by the way:):):):):):)...

This morning:):):)...I learned two things:):):)...

1) COPD may be, at least, something that can be slowed:):):)...and we will hope that it can be reversed:):):)...that one's for my grandma:):):)...who I still have important things to share about the life of this really very beautiful, amazing woman:):):):):):)...

...and...

2) My section of Amarr, EPS...initials for the commerical garage doors produced by Amarr, the exact words which they stand for I have no fucking clue:):):)...

EPS...my crew:):):):)...in addition to being the crew that set 5 of the 6 production records that teams I was a part of at Amarr set during my time there:):):)...

...in addition to all of that:):):)...our big boss just reported this morning that EPS improved productivity in the last 6 months more than he had seen in 11 years at Amarr:):):):):):)...

...which means two things to me that are really important:):):):):):)...

1) That the ideas that I've been working with have application in business and for-profit settings as much as in education and non-profit settings:):):):):):)...which expands, significantly, I'd say, their potential application and profitability, I'd say:):):) (and while I do not live my life for profit:):):)...I have no reservations about ACCEPTING profit as a part of my efforts:):):):):):)...wouldn't that just be the irony of all ironies is I turn out to make more money than all of my friends who have been so scared about money that they were sure that the risks that I've taken are exactly what they want to avoid:):):):):):)...

...and:):):):):):)...

2):):):):):):)...

I now have easy bragging rights to LAY HEAVY LOADS OF STINKING SHIT ON EVERY MOTHERFUCKER WHO EVER CALLED ME LAZY when I was down and out and not knowing which way to piss:):):):):):)...

And there is a certain female mechanic friend in particular who will be getting MAJOR FUCKING SHIT FROM ME ON THIS ONE:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

You know who you are, biatch:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And your's is coming, my friend:):):):):):):):):)...

MUH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh...the advantages of being brilliant ahead of your time and wise beyond your years:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)...

You may all call me Mr. Genius, now:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

And if I let a certain institution of higher education graduate me:):):):):):)...you may all call me "Dr. Genius":):):):):):), at some point:):):):):):)...

...an article about Amarr, by the way:):):)...with a big shout out to my friends in the Kaw Valley Living Wage Campaign:):):)...who's work had consequence on folks like Amarr, who got it's tax abatement with a guarantee of living wage jobs for those jobs that it expands:):):)...the folks at the Living Wage Campaign done good:):):)...

...though not nearly as good as the VOLUNTARY LIVING WAGE which has VIRTUALLY SWEPT LAWRENCE, thanks to those of us who worked on that effort:):):):):):)...

http://ljworld.com/section/progress2004a/story/167882

...and a really quirky little Amarr-related website I thought everyone (except, maybe, some really freaky, Amarr cult worshippers:):):):):):)...

http://www.eve-db.com/corporations/64.htm

When Love Comes to Town:):):):):):)...U2's BRILLIANT collaboration with the reigning GOD of the blues -- along with Eric Clapton:):):) -- B.B. King:):):):):):)...

Ask my heroes and yours, Dire Straight, once opined:):):):):):)...

The future's so bright:):):):):):)...

I gotta wear shades:):):):):):)...

Hope your future's looking as bright as mine:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...

Love:):):)...

The Master:):):)...Dr. who?...no, I really it:):):)...Dr. who?...who the fuck is that numbnuts?:):):):):):)...

See y'all on the other side:):):):):):)...

Benji Warbucks:):):):):):)...

...I'll save Heartland, U2's homage to the American breadbasket:):):), God Pt. 2, Bono's dedication to John Lennon:):):), U2's inclusion of Jimi Hendrix's electric guitar homage to the Star Spangled Banner at the beginning of Bullet the Blue Sky at one of their concerts on their Joshua Tree tour:):):) (can you tell these guy's LOVE AMERICA:):):):):):)...for good goddamned reason, really:):):):):):)...for all it's faults:):):):):):)...GREATEST GODDAMN COUNTRY ON THE FUCKING FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH:):):):):):)...Bullet the Blue Sky, by the way, is the namessake for the Rattle and Hum album:):):)..."in the locust wind...comes a rattle and hum":):):)...or something like that:):):)...and...finally:):):)...All I Want is You:):):):):):)...

...I'll save all those for myself:):):):):):)....

Oh...wait:):):):):):)...we've made it through the whole album:):):):):):)...

Now:):):)...in response to Jimi Hendrix's famous question, you can say, "I am indeed experienced:):):):):):)...I have experienced U2's Rattle and Hum album:):):):):):)...

No...you really can't say that until you've heard the album/concert:):):):):):)...it's really too awesome not to hear at least once in your life:):):):):):)...

I gotta see these guys in concert:):):):):):)...they are the rebirth of Greek and Roman gods of yore peeking down on mere mortals for the pleasure of teasing their power and testing their influence:):):)...they are more powerful than gods, really:):):)...

...they are rock stars:):):):):):):):):)...

..."I chill back in my hotel room with John Coltraine and a Love Supreme...in the next room, I hear some woman scream out...and her lover is turning off, turning on the television...and I can't tell the difference between ABC News, Hill Street Blues, and a preacher on the old time gospel hour...stealing money from the sick...and the old"

"...well the God I believe in isn't short of cash, mister:):):):):):)...

"I feel a long way from the hills of San Salvador...where the sky is ripped open...and the rain runs into a deepened wound..."

"...RUN...RUN...into the arms...of America":):):):):):):):):):):):)..

"You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold..."

"You say you want your story to remain untold..."

"Well, all the promises we made...from the cradle until the grave..."

"When all I want...is you"...

You say you'll give me a highway with noone on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me eyes on a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest

All the promises we made
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you...

You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want a diamond on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold

All the promises we break
From the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you

All I want is you

(noone's ever really seen me jam all out with air drums, before, I don't think, other than Melissa, maybe:):):)...but imagine me doing just that, right now:):):):):):)...

All I want is you:):):):):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S.:):):)...we ventured by Borders yesterday:):):)...and there are several new exciting albums that folks should check out:):):)...the most exciting new album I listened to was called Atom Bomb by the Blind Boys of Alabama:):):)...

http://www.blindboys.com/main.html

...it is a gospel/rap album that rocks the fuckin' house:):):)...I HIGHLY recommend:):):)...and even though U2 is my favorite overall band...I have to say that this Atom Bomb is a far superior album, I believe, than U2's newest, How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb:):):)...sounds very much like some of the gospel and blues of off's my boys' Rattle and Hum album which sounded so great then and would be nice to hear again, today:):):)...definitely check out the two lead songs, (Jesus Hits Like the) Atom Bomb, which even non-Christians, I think, can appreciate for some really rockin' and soulful gospel:):):)...these guys are about WAY MORE THAN JESUS:):):)...and their music reflects it:):):)...and if you're still not convinced, do not miss the second single, Demons, which features a rap/gospel mix that is OUT OF THIS WORLD:):):)...also check out their cover of Spirit in the Sky, which is much more soulful and churchy than the Norman Greenbaum original...and their tribute to the OG, himself...the Original man of God...Moses:):):)...very cool album:):):)...

A second exciting new album was the new They Might Be Giants release, Here Come the ABC's:):):)...

http://www.theymightbegiants.com/

...it is another kids' album, as was their last release, No!:):):)...but this is a FAR SUPERIOR album that kids and adults alike will LOVE:):):)...really great stuff and really great application of They Might Be Giants' affinity for both fun nonsense and silly musical styles and their love for learning:):):)...Great stuff on this album that I sat and listened to almost completely straight through, yesterday, in the middle of Borders, without a single person under the age of 18 anywhere in sight:):):)...I liked, No!, their last computer CD-interactive kids' release:):):)...but NOT NEARLY AS MUCH as Here Come the ABC's:):):)...which maintains TMBG's musical edge while still appealing and teaching and even featuring, on this album, the little kiddies:):):):):):)...definitely check out The Vowel Family, which features a ton of kids trying to identify a vowel shown to them in their own cute little fumbling ways:):):)..., Who Put the Alphabet in Alphabetical Order?:):):)...featuring a new female voice with TMBG that I don't recognize but really enjoyed:):):)...Alphabet of Nations, which is both an exciting alphabet and geography lesson that is challenging for both kids and adults, alike:):):)...so kids AND parents can listen and learn something new:):):)...and it also happens to be a really kickin' song:):):)...and E Eats Everything:):):):):):), a very fun little song about the most popular letter in the English language:):):)...the letter E:):):)...all around a great album:):):)...especially for families:):):)...a much improved effort over both No!, the Giants' first kids' album release (they've gone on to do quite a bit of kids' TV work, including winning a grammy for their efforts:):):), and the last album of their's I heard, The Spine, a pretty lackluster effort, I thought...like How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb, I thought TMBG kind of sold out on this album and tried, too hard, to make a pop album rather than just be the Giants:):):)...I've not heard their live album, Almanac:):):)...so I can't comment, really, on the Giant's most recent efforts:):):)...except to say that this one is outstanding:):):)...and a combination of everything that make one of my favorite bands so great:):):)...

Also might want to check out Beck's new album, which was superb as ever:):):)...and a new folk album whose artist's name I am TOTALLY FORGETTING, which is too bad because her album was REALLY GOOD:):):)...oh well:):):)...another time:):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):)...I've got to rest:):):)...

I'm beat:):):)...

:):):)...

A long night at work:):):)...but another really satisfying one:):):)...my leadership abilities are shining like moonbeams over the night shift at Amarr, right now:):):)...it's a team effort, of course:):):)...and I'm really proud of all of our efforts:):):)...and grateful to be working with such a good team, generally:):):)...

...but I've clearly had an impact, which I think my bosses and co-workers would all acknowledge at this point:):):)...it's very validating that see the kind of non-verbal, supportive responses that I get from everyone at Amarr:):):)...it tells you that you've done something beautiful:):):)...even if all you're doing is building garage doors:):):)...

I really need to clean up that last post:):):)...it's a MESS:):):)...but there's good stuff in there, I promise:):):)...

I also need to clean up this apartment, which is also a MESS:):):)...and I need to file my taxes...and look for teaching jobs:):):)...and submit stuff for publication:):):)...and write my play:):):)...and see all my friends:):):)...

...and somewhere in there I need to find time -- but much more importantly, a girl -- to date:):):):):):):)...

But right now:):):)...I'm way to bushed:):):):):):):)....I'm going to go sleep for awhile:):):)...

I hope everyone is having a great day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Why punishment is less effective than talking to constructively work through issues:):):)...

I'm only going to blog for a few minutes, here, because I'm in the middle of trying to sleep for work:):):)...

...but I did want to take a few minutes to discuss why punishment is so much less effective than talking to constructively work through difficult issues:):):)...

...I mean, communicating a problem that is clearly not seen, since, by definition it is unresolved is obvious, of course:):):)...

...but I mean:):):)...beyond that:):):)...

The big reason, psychologically, is that people have limited developed pain thresholds for any given moment:):):)...our pain threshold can grow over time:):):)...but...like everything in life:):):)...it is limited:):):)...

So we can only absorb so much pain and comprehend it at any given time:):):)...and overwhelming our pain threshold only makes more difficult our efforts to interpret pain -- that people cause us and that we cause others -- at any given moment:):):)...

So understanding that pain is actually IMPEDED by creating too much of it:):):)...it's information overload for our emotional senses:):):)...and it is too confusing and too much to comprehend at any one moment:):):)...

So the way out of this dilemna is to communicate as effectively, as clearly, and as unambiguously as possible -- this is the real rub:):):) -- so that adding to our pain threshold -- and our natural, healthy, and functional self-defenses that keep too much pain at bay:):):) -- does not overwhelm our ability to understand difficult, uncertain, forever confusing, and always infinitely complex realities that we can only begin to comprehend with limited capacities at any given moment:):):)...

I won't say that we develop our abilities slowly, necessarily:):):)...though this is often true, as well:):):)...because my experience is that there are definitely moments of punctuated equilibrium in our psychological evolution, I believe:):):)...

For anyone not familiar with the late Stephen Jay Gould's concept of punctuated equilibrium, it refers to the propensity in biological evolution (which is relevant here, even though I am refering to psychological, social, and cultural evolution:):):)...for life to become infinitely more complex and adaptive in response to very dramatic realities:):):)...

Dramatic events like asteroids hitting earth, killing multiple or single species and creating environments that existing species must make similarly dramatic adjustments to their new settings are good examples of punctuated equilibrium:):):)...volcanoes creating similarly dramatic disruptions...or massive floods or events that are otherwise beyond the limited capacities of species to adapt to events (the consequences of global warming might turn out to be one such similar kind of event in human evolution in the future:):):), are all good examples of punctuated equilibrium:):):)...

Similarly, pyschological, social, and cultural evolution can be impacted, I believe and in my experience, by dramatic events for individuals or groups that have dramatic events that occur to them that are beyond their present abilities to cope or thrive or adjust to those events:):):)...meaning that some people/species will fold, self-defend, stagnate, regress or otherwise suffer under harsh, critical, or dramatic circumstances:):):)...

But, as Victor Frankl describes in a wonderful little book, Man's Search for Meaning, that my dad read in his undergrad at the University of Michigan:):):)...and that Abraham Maslow references in my favorite book of all time, The Farther Reaches of Human Nature:):):):)...some people are able to thrive and grow even under the most unlikely and overwhelming of circumstances:):):) (in Frankl's case, suffering through the ugliness of the holocaust), even while others suffer:):):)...

And my experiences, in the last few years, at the very least, reflect some of that capacity on my own part, I believe:):):)...I'm very proud of my ability to thrive even in the most difficult of circumstances:):):):):):)...I am actually amazed by it, much of the time:):):)...and the last two years have definitely been one of the most dramatic tests of that ability that I've ever suffered/lived/survived/thrived/grew through:):):):):):)...I'm really pretty overwhelmingly amazed, really:):):):):):)...I really can't believe just how much shit I can shovel so quickly and efficiently and with increasing abilities to observe, understand, and navigate more and more complex and difficult terrains and understandings of the same terrain:):):):):):)...it's kind of amazing to me, really:):):)...

And we would all do better, I believe, from both experience and my own understandings:):):), if we supported each other through such realities with the least posssible necessary aggression (a term that I'm quite sure will likely be used like "democracy" and "freedom" to rationalize less ideal and uglier versions of it, perverting, at times, it's truest, best, most beautiful, most constructive abilities and potential and ever-more-ideal actualities:):):)...that if we used the least possible necessary aggression, we will support better functioning, surviving, and thriving, growing, and learning of more and more people and other species dependent on human support for its survival and thriving:):):)...

All of our psychological, political, educational, social, and cultural development and evolution would be far better enhanced, I believe, if we were to LOWER the pain thresholds that we create for people to observe, explore, understand, learn about, integrate, and otherwise navigate to support each other and one another better in our ever expanding and critical development and evolution:):):)...

Punishment/justice/beating up on others, physically or emotionally/revenge/or otherwise rationalizing hurting people in the name of teaching them adds to our already too heavy pain load and makes it more, rather than less, difficult for us to negotiate, navigate, explore, learn about, and understand our intrapersonal, interpersonal, larger social, cultural, political, physical and other environments so that we can function more succesfully within them:):):)...and limiting any one person's functioning limit's ALL of our functioning, both short term and long term:):):)...short term, because it focusses our attention away from more constructive means of functioning in our immediate and short term situations:):):)...we all have ever expanding but still limited developed capacities to anticipate and navigate ever-complex social and psychological terrains:):):)...but it also limits our long-term individual and general capacities, as well:):):)...both in a cumulative sense (all the little immediate and short term situations and opportunities for learning and growth that we miss or ignore:):):)...

...but MUCH MORE IMPORTANTLY:):):)...as the repercussions of limiting the already limited functioning of others puts further stress on limited abilities to navigate and cope and thrive and grown in always stressful situations:):):)...

So hurting others doesn't just lead us to do stupid shit that we could otherwise use our time and energy to do much more valuable shit in our lives and the lives of others:):):)...

...but it also frustrates the already too frustrated efforts of others to deal with their own lives and, as a consequence, to often make our lives more difficult:):):):):):)...

And more ideal functioning consists of us seeing these cycles to better navigate them and circumnavigate cycles and trends and series of less than ideally functioning or more destructive or stagnating or regressive cycles:):):):):):)...

More freedom and less pain means for better thriving, even in difficult or hard times for people, generally, to cope with, thrive in, and navigate:):):)...and more understanding for immediate, short term, and long term future navigations of ever complex realities that, as we develop more finely tuned senses to note complexity, seem and are more complex as our limited psychological abilities to detect, understand, sense and navigate them become more complex as well:):):)...

Trying to "beat away" such complexity (proverbially beating our little primate chests, so to speak:):):), just makes it ALL THE MORE DIFFICULT for ALL OF US to navigate difficult realities:):):):):):)...and no amount of pain will ever make that difficulty go away...and will, generally, make it much more complex and difficult to navigate the more we maintain such a poor orientation to complex realities:):):)...

It's a foolish and ironic instinct we humans have to become more aggressive in the face of stress and fear since -- given a certain threshold of real satiation of hunger, shelter, and safety needs -- it becomes increasingly and often exponentially, I believe, counterproductive -- meaning it makes things MORE, NOT LESS difficult to handle -- than if we had just chilled the fuck out, so to speak:):):):):):), so that we could begin to understand complex, difficult and stressful realities more clearly:):):):):):)...

My friends and I just did this together, this weekend, I think:):):):):):)...which is why I'm feeling so inspired to write so GODDAMN MUCH today:):):):):):):):):):)...and doing some pretty fucking advanced work for a guy who still hasn't finished his Ph.D., I have to say:):):):):):)...

If Tom hasn't read this post and figured out that I am ONE BRILLIANT MOTHERFUCKER:):):), I doubt that ANYTHING will convince him:):):):):):)...

Gotta go try to sleep for awhile:):):):):):)...

I hope everyone is having as an amazingly productive and incredibly inspiring day as me:):):):):):)...

The best day of my life, I think:):):):):):)...and it's only getting better:):):):):):):):):)...

Spread love, please:):):):):):)...it's much sexier and sweeter than hate:):):):):):):):):)...really:):):):):):):):):)....

More freedom and equity make for better experiences of life and work and families and democracy and markets and everything than less freedom and equity:):):)...

Maslow and Sen can both see this, in part:):):)...as can Nye, less than Sen...and Sen less than Maslow:):):)...

The three best books that I've read substantial portions of for all three of these authors is The Farther Reaches of Human Nature, by Abraham Maslow, Development as Freedom, by Amartya Sen, and The Paradox of American Power, by Joseph Nye:):):)...I imagine that Joe's newer book, Soft Power, is probably a better illucidation of his ideas:):):)...and Amartya may have a newer book as well:):):)...but Abraham, unfortunately, passed from our immediate and biological presence (or at least his and our conjoint living biological presence:):):) in 1972, I believe:):):)...so we will have to mine the beauty and wonder that it Abraham Maslow's brilliant work while he was living, which is, fortunately, terribly abundant:):):)...

And much of the reason why I am not just satisifed with writing books and giving lectures is that I HAVE NO INTEREST (NOR DOES ANYONE ELSE) with any wisdom I might have to develop, share, or leave to leave with me:):):)...I want EVERYONE to have it...and more:):):):):):)......and different:):):):):):)...

As I said in a much earlier post (like a year earlier:):):), on my other post on tripod...



...my goal as a teacher is to have my students KICK THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF MY LEGACY:):):):):):)...

...and...if possible:):):)...while I'm still alive and kicking:):):)...

...that is:):):)...if you chickenshit motherfuckers think you can catch me:):):):):):)...

Good luck, biatches:):):):):):)...

In the meantime:):):)...lot's a good stuff I have to write up as I get the chance:):):)...

Oh, how a full time studying situation would be so much more efficient and effective for me to share everything I'm learning:):):)...one day, soon:):):):):):)...

Have a great day, everyone:):):):):):)...I really do love everyone:):):)...though, like most people:):):), I do love my closest homies best:):):):):):)...but love to everyone, nonetheless:):):)...

Love,
Ben "Annie" Ashcroft:):):):):):):):):):):):)...

Also:):):)...if you haven't checked out my most recent tripod post on the great chit controversy of 2005:):):):):):), I would HIGHLY recommend doing so:):):):):):)...to see what's got me so goddamn inspired today, as as NBA Jams and Jason "The Sexiest Man Alive" Blick might say, "on fire":):):):):):):):):)...

I'm back:):):):):):):)...

Welp:):):)...blogexplosion has told me that I can't keep this second blog on blogexplosion unless I keep it active:):):)...so I'm going to start writing on both blogs:):):)...

...to keep thing interesting:):):):):)...

...I guess this will be like having two email accounts:):):)...so people can catch what I have to say/share in different places:):):)...

I don't know:):):)...we'll see:):):)...this will be an experiment:):):)...

This is a test:):):)...this is only a test:):):)...

Love,
Ben

benfrankln.tripod.com/bensutherland/

I have had endless problems ever since I first came to blogspot with my blog:):):)...I do appreciate the opportunity to manage my own free blog:):):)...but I think I'm going to doing my primary blogging on Tripod from now on:):):)...I just got my blog back there (I thought I'd overwritten it:)...and I like the Tripod better, generally, anyway:):):)...

...that and I haven't been able to see my last post for the last week:):):)...

Thanks, Blogspot:):):)...I'll be back when I can post again:):):)...

Love,
Ben

P.S....and speaking of being back when I can post again:):):)...my first post is a hyperlink to my Tripod blog:):):)...

http://benfrankln.tripod.com/bensutherland/

I'm back...

I only have a few minutes, here, before I go to bed...but I wanted to write again and get a chance to flesh out some of the ideas that I am working on publishing (as well as share about my life:):):)...

I am of renewed and secure liberal faith, as of late:):):)...I am totally confident in the ideas that I'm working on, now, which means a lot in my life since ideas are THE stuff of life, I think:):):)...the stuff that guides life:):):)...as Federal Reserve Board Chairman Alan Greenspan recently told a British audience, empires come and go...but ideas are the building blocks of history:):):)...in other words...power is here for an instant...good ideas are here for an eternity...

The principles I'm working with right now I have developed a modified name for to avoid as much confusion as possible:):):)...

The principle I am working with is "least possible necessary aggression"...I am sure, as with other ideas, that this one can be and will be distorted...but good ideas are embedded in reality as much as they are in our own minds and imaginations...so reality will help people find their way toward better development and realization of this and other ideas that grow out of this principle:):):)...

The jist of the principle is that aggression sometimes necessary...when it is, the least possible necessary amount of aggression is most likely to accomplish the best results...and it does so because of a principle that is much more fundamental to human nature...the need for freedom...

Abraham Maslow discussed this need as fundamental to peoples' more self-actualized development in his work...I would especially recommend his final writings gathered together after he died in his book The Farther Reaches of Human Nature...

My work seeks to integrate Maslow's work with other relevant policy insights that can help us steer wiser courses in the development of more self-actualized people and self-actualized cultures...and, in the course of doing so, to create policies that will more effectively deal with the threats that free societies and peoples' face...

My thesis is that the least possible aggressive responses to aggression and to problems that face more and less free societies are more fundamentally in line with our nature as human beings and thus more likely to respect that nature and achieve ends that are relevant to the happiness, health, and well-being of all of us:):):)...

The reason for this, I believe, is that though aggression is a natural human and animal instinct when animals, humans as well, face a real or perceived threat to their health and well-being...but that it is an instinct that, ultimately, betrays us...and that learning to let go of it is critical to our individual and cultural development...aggression blinds us to realities that need better lenses in the form of better ideas and understandings to navigate those realities...and those better ideas and understandings are needed in all dealings that we have with other human beings and to the challenges, threats, and opportunities that face humanity, individually and in our collaborations with one another:):):)...

The unique quality that humans have that allows them to change this instinct is the power of insight and intelligence, and established cultural institutions -- schools, libraries, etc. -- which allow us to learn to navigate our shared social and physical reality more effectively...

And the most critical understanding to help each and all of us to navigate that reality more effectively is the understanding of our natural and often flawed tendency towards aggression to handle individual and common problems, threats, and opportunities and our ability to choose differently to navigate those realities more effectively:):):)...

I write all of this at a time when humanity is at a particularly important crossroads, I believe:):)...when humanity is reinforcing its ultimately flawed tendency to use force and aggression in attempts to solve problems that are much more effectively navigated without aggression and with more engagement, communication, ideas, brainstorming, and -- most importantly -- freedom...

The principle of least possible necessary aggression can help point us in a better direction, I believe, which is why I write about it:):):)...

I'm going to take a break, for now...but that's a decent introduction to the idea:):):)...

I am doing better now...but better than what many people who read this may not know since I haven't written in so long:):):)...

But I'll just say, for now, that the more I live and work and relate with people, the more clear this principle and other ideas I've been working with become to me and, I hope, to others:):):)...

I'm going to take a break:):):)...I hope everyone is doing well:):):)...talk with everyone later:):):)...

Love,
Ben

A movie...

Well...I think I'm going to make a movie:):):)...

I've developed a set of deadlines based on a 2006 Sundance Film Festival submission...

I've got two screenplay ideas I've been working with...but one needs more time, I think...and the other has been on my mind for a couple of years now:)...

The one I'm looking at making right now is a parable about families loving one another and taking each other for granted and how one family learns through an extraordinary adventure how not to take one another...it's a parable, not a action-adventure:)...think Joe versus the Volcano...not Spy Kids:):):) (though I loved both of these movies:):):)...

We're watching The Station Agent, right now, which, if you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it:):):)...they struggled to get the funding to make this little gem, but I'm so glad they did because it's a really beautiful little movie:):):)...check it out, if you get the chance:):):)...

Oh...and the best thing is that every screenplay I write is one more opportunity for EMU to perform some original on-stage work:):):):):):):)...

Oh...and I got a job:):):)...I'll make pretty good money (for me:)...and with some decent references, I'll apply for teaching jobs ASAP:):):)...and, in the meantime, hopefully raise money to get this film produced:):):)...

And then maybe do some academic writing, too:):):)...

Talk Radio went great:):):)...the last two nights, especially, when we started to trust ourselves, more:):):)...

And thanks to whomever yelled out my name the last performance:):):):):):):):)...it was exciting getting props as essentially a silent extra:):):):):):):)...

Oh...and Brian...if you happen to read this...I want SO BADLY to make it down for NFL, but we just can't afford it just yet...I will try to make it down for the January/February tournaments if I can:):):)...sorry life has been so crazy for me to judge and for us to hang:):):)...

And, Jas...I hope New Mexico is treating you well, bud:):):)...we've definitely missed you this week:):)...I'll see you this weekend...and would you be interested in maybe working on some music for this movie?:)...I'll probably talk with you before you read this:):):)...

I hope everyone is doing well:):):)...I'll talk with everyone soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Finally:):):)...a new post:):):)...

Hey everyone:):):)...

I've been taking a break from blogging for awhile:)...I've been working on a theater project and I've needed a break from my academic writing, which I've played around with in this blog, a lot:)...

This has been a good time for me, lately...doing theater with friends...and friends with talent:):):)...it's a good show, I think:):):)...and I'm excited to be a part of it and doing new things with it:):):)...doing sound on it and finally getting to point where I felt pretty good about it also confirmed for me that picking up new skills generally involves just practicing them:)...

I've also been learning about the wisdom that was shared with me about a million times from a good friend of mine about a million times about learning about not trying to change people:)...learning to accept them:)...

Education and policy, both, can be really self-righteous fields, just up front:)...they are often crusading fields where people are trying to change the world and can often get pretty full of themselves in the process:):):)...I know I was when I was in grad school, more...which is why my outlook on life is so much more liberal and broad and open and accepting...however you want to say it...because I've got a chance to see just how differently people interpret life...and how the worst of those interpretations are not the ones that seem strange or irregular or even, often, cause for fear to the political crusader...the most dangerous interpretations are self-righteous and often just catty interpretations by folks too careless with power...I think the power of liberalism and a liberal society is creating more space to avoid as much of this kind of power-mongering and cattiness and ugliness as possible:)...the limits to that ability, I'm learning, lie in the limits of our imaginations to be more decent to one another...

I had a talk, recently, with someone who described smoking in public as "criminal behavior"...she wasn't talking in jest...but I do think this person has gotten in the habit of having opinions and just wanting to get her way rather than deal with inconveniences that she doesn't like...I listened to one man, recently, talk about all the ways that they could punish a person, legally, who he felt had done him wrong...he wasn't making a joke...he was just full of himself, in the moment, looking to hurt someone....

I'm not quite sure why so many people see hurting others or killing people or limiting peoples' freedom -- when it can be avoided -- as laudable or courageous or whatever other kinds of bullshit reasons people give for being such pricks...

I just know that an awful lot of people -- myself included in the past -- have really awful tendency to hurt people or limit their freedoms to live their lives as they please...and a liberal society offers us the opportunity to limit, mitigate, or let go of that tendency altogether, depending on what we ultimately choose to do...

There is no ultimate definition of "being good"...but we can all do good while still giving people room to be themselves and be human if we try, I think...

OK...that's enough of that, for now:)...

My writing and teaching and living and whatever I end up doing are centered around being more decent and less self-righteous:)...and appreciating life better as it comes:):):)...

I'm hungry:)...I've got to go:):):)...

For anyone in Lawrence...

EMU Theater is performing Talk Radio for the next two weeks:)...I'm playing Spike, the soung guy and doing sound work:)...Andy, our fearless hero, is doing a marvelous job of playing Barry Champlaign, I think:):):)...I think's it's worth coming out:):):)...

The info is:

Talk Radio
ECM (Ecumenical Christian Ministries)
12th and Oread
December 3, 4, and 5 and Dec 10, 11, and 12
8PM

Hope everyone is doing well:):):)...

Talk with everyone soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I only have a couple minutes, here:):):)...

...I've got a job opportunity working on a local marketing campaign for my favorite bookstore in the whole wide world:):):)...the Vagabond Bookman in Lawrence, Kansas:):):)...

Howard, who owns the store, is one of the greatest guys I've ever known and loves books and people -- at least openly -- more than anyone bookstore owner I've ever met:):):)...half the fun of going to the Bookman is to just talk with Howard about books and about life and to just enjoy loving both:):):)...Howard really is his own best asset:):):)...but my friend Devang and I have proposed that we might help him make the place a little bit more appealing to a broader group of people (and to his regular customers:):):)...

But, in the meantime, I just wanted to write for a moment about how blessed my life feels, despite all of the very hard times in the last year:):):)...how authentically, and I suppose appropriately, thankful I feel about my life as Thanksgiving comes up this year:):):)...

I've always said that my best holiday memories were during times of scarcity:):):)...

The year that we couldn't afford a Christmas tree and made a Christmas crib instead with a little doll baby Jesus borrowed from one of my sisters' collections:):):)...

...or the year when my father couldn't afford gifts for us kids and got us all little things like pencils and mini board games:):):)...

This year is not a year of scarcity like that:):):)...but it's definitely not my richest holiday season, in terms of money:):):)...

...which is ok because all my best gifts have always been white elephant or homemade, I think:):):):)...and all the best gifts I've received:):):):):) (other than money, which is a fine Christmas gift for those who like money's flexibility:):):)...

I realize this year that what I want more than anything is a few of my ideals to be achieved...some authentic progress on this situation with the university, where I am taken seriously as the prime mover in my own academic career, and where my professors' input is given serious attention, but where it is, ultimately, feedback rather than ultimatums...

I want more opportunity to help open up my community...to help make it more authentically stronger because people here learn to open our hearts in the face of difficulties rather than react with mean-spiritedness and force to every problem even when mean-spiritedness NEVER helps, and when force is only a temporary solution to problems that need more openness and freedom and discussion and support for individual consciences to sort out difficult questions and situations...

I want a real chance to share ideas where a lot more people have the opportunity to read them and engage them in their more thorough form, with patience and a sense of peace around the reality that people will still choose less than ideal ways to deal with problems -- individual and community problems -- that have consequences for all of us:):):)...

But a patience and a peace which is the more ideal route for our hearts to go:):):)...

And I want to experience and share more love in my life after a year when I have both shared and experienced more love than probably ever in my life:):):)...

I would like to see some of the seed of hope and love and ideas that I've planted this year to take some root:):):)...and I'd like to see how it grows:):):)...

OK...I've got to get out of here and go meet Howard's wife to see about this marketing opportunity:):):)...

I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying life:):):)...

I'll talk with everyone soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

The 2004 American Election and my experience with learning to accept our limitations:):):)...

The election has been on of the most interesting for me:):):)...

I've been following politics for a long time:):):)...and, especially in my young adulthood, with a commitment to understanding and improving the process:):)...

But this election has been one of the most interesting for me:):):)...especially since it occurs during a really important period of education and experience for me as a young adult:):)...

The most important lesson that I've been taking from this election is a greater authentic acceptance of ours' and my limitations:):):)...of the limitations on progress in a culture:)...of my limitations as a leader and responsible member of my society:)...of the limitations on our humanity:):):)...

The election is, of course, to anyone concerned about authentic progress in a society since, in so many ways, it was so clearly quite the referendum on the limitations of progress...

The most important issue of this election, I think most people agree, has been the war...and the commitment to the most learned or the most prejudicial and ignorant perspectives on the war...

The most learned in the field of international policy -- from people with the depth of vision, like Joe Nye, and even with less depth of vision but still important in their contributions to the field of international policy, like Henry Kissinger -- have been critical of this war in ways that the President has partly paid heed, reflecting some general accountability to their concerns, but which he has also reflected far too little curiosity and far too much arrogant assertion of power to warrant having that power...

I've been reading the first book Joe wrote criticizing the war -- a war he supported, up front, but which he has, rightly, become much more critical of -- The Paradox of American Power...Joe is still too committed to the idea that American preeminence in political, economic, and military affairs is in American interests, an idea that I take serious issue with...equity often looks like weakness by every generation that considers it...but, the clear consequence, each generation, is that equity makes us stronger, not weaker...a principle that I think Joe fails to account for in many of his assumptions about international policy...

But, in general, Joe's commitment to soft power -- meaning cultural, economic, and political freedom and democracy and the fruits of that free, democratic culture, including stronger and more authentically democratic and diplomatic engagement -- is a much stronger idea for handling the threats of terrorism and of future engagement with totalitarian regimes like Saddam Husseins Baathist regime...Joe's and my argument is not that war and aggressive action are always unwarranted...Joe's argument is that the current political leadership must pay much more attention to supporting its soft power and to being far less careless in underminding that same power...

Joe is not committed to equity in international relations in the same way I am...he doesn't account well enough, I don't think, for the long term costs that come with strong-arming and bullying our way through difficult diplomatic issues, though he is definitely doing better at accounting for those costs now than he did before this war began...he most recent writing reflects a clear departure from his past work where Joe does not make as clear distinctions in favor of soft power as he has more recently...in response to the failures of this Administration in handling these and similar issues, I think...

But as Martin Luther King argued around issues of race, so too goes for issues of political, economic and other forms of equity...though those who benefit disproportionately from inequitable arrangements, short term, may not be able to see its benefits, societies clearly function better the more attention that is paid to equity...for everyone involved...Martin Luther King argued more than 30 years ago that leaving the legacies of racism behind helped whites as well as African Americans...and more than a quarter century of much more open progress and experimentation around this issue bears out Dr. King's conviction...

More equitable international arrangements will take time to develop...but just as the transition from less equitable imperial arrangements to more equitable democratic arrangements has clearly benefitted the societies it touched, included those former empires, so will the inevitable transition from less equitable democratic arrangements to more equitable democratic arrangements benefit all societies, including those who formerly benefitted disproportionately from those arrangements:)...

Wealth equity in America and in international arrangements similarly will improve economic performance as much as resolve a critical issue of fairness and justice, just as free economic arrangements were clearly more beneficial to the Northern States in the United States than slave-based, less free economic arrangements were to the South...

And supporting freedom to make all kinds of choices -- from whom people want to marry, to what legal or non-legal pharmaceutical and intoxicating experiences people want to engage in, to the purchase of legal and non-legal firearms, to how people want to use money, in their personal lives, in their financial pursuits, in their political engagement -- and open, intelligent, democratic engagment on those same issues, will similarly play a critical role in supporting choices to support our communities more authentically, rather than repressing the very freedom that is so critical to authentic support for our communities...

But in so many ways -- judging a society by its political choices, in all parties and all political activism and attitudes -- we have so far to go to create such community...to support an authentically free and democratic community of responsible and intelligent peoples' and their commitment to authentic self-government, rather than to the more autocratic tendencies of the same society to control, force, and compel that commitment...a clearly futile effort that has frustrated the development of the very commitments that concerned peoples' intend but fail to cultivate when they try to compel their visions of the world...

We all -- liberals, conservatives, radicals, anarchists, libertarians...politically inclined and non-politically inclined people alike -- have a long way to go to cultivate a more authentically free and democratic society...

And this election has been a disppointing but real coming to terms for me of how far we have to go:):):)...

Largely because it has been only within the last couple of years that it's become clearer to me what direction, more precisely, that we are headed and need for the cultivation of our highest and best natures...

And this kind of reflection is EXACTLY the kind of thing that I think is needed to get us there...a commitment to the acceptance of our lowest natures even as we aspire to our highest natures:):):)...

I'm learning to better accept ours' and my limitations in this respect...as we make this neverending journey to an always better future:):):)...

I feel a little uneasy with it, as the moment:):):)...but I'm sure I'll get better at it over time:):):)...all that I can hope and expect for myself and everyone:):):)...

I've been watching Jimmy Stewart's classic, Harvey, as I've been writing this:):):):)...a pretty appropriate movie for just this kind of sentiment, I think:):):)...

May we all learn the appreciation for humanity that Elwood P. Doud has to offer us all:):):)...

I hope everyone is doing well:):):)...have a good day:):):)...

Love,
Ben

Enough:)...

I've been thinking a lot, today, about the election...

...about how far America seems to be from my ideals for her:)...

...and about how this election seems to both confirm how far we've come and how far we have to go, by my lights:)...

I've still got applications to fill out...but I've also been visiting some old websites that I haven't visited in a while...conservative...liberal...academic...

I realize, as I visit these websites, that my vision of how I would like to see humanity go (and which I have a feeling, in general, it will go, given that this vision is based on what I see and think humanities deepest impulses lead it), is quite different than a lot of more partisan and antagonistic visions of America...or of humanity...or whatever:):):)...

I'm not trying to figure out who I fit in with by who I exclude...

I'm imagining how we all belong...and how we might make that real and not just rhetoric...

I'm not looking for common ground with anyone based on what we can manufacture as common ground between us...

I'm looking for genuine common ground...what deepest needs and loves and passions bring us together:)...

I have to say that I've been pretty discouraged in the last few years that so many people -- liberal and conservative, radical, anarchist, and libertarian, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, Buddhist and otherwise, American, French, British, German, South African, Japanese, Iraqi, Iranian, North Korean, Cuban, Chinese, and otherwise -- have focussed their bitterness and resentments and hatred as means of bringing people together that they clearly don't trust in a more authentic way -- to express their deepest values...

It has been a dark time for freedom...and democracy...and decency...and humanity...and love...and openess...and liberality, in its best sense...

And the election seemed to confirm peoples' attachments to so many of their prejudices...and darker fears...for themselves and for others...

But it also gave me some time to see that, for now...the love and decency and openness and humanity...and love...and freedom...and authentic liberality that we have to offer...

That it's enough...for now...and we'll build on it...to make things better:):):)...

Have a good day, everyone:):):):)...

Love,
Ben

The day after:):):)...

I've got to go pick up Melissa for lunch, here in a sec:):):)...

But I just wanted to make a little comment on the election, now that it is over:):):)...

The bigger picture, right now, I think, for American democracy, is that during an extended period of voter apathy and lack of voter turnout for elections in most major democracies, that trend might be changing, somewhat, this election:):):)...

That's a good sign, I think...because, hopefully, it will mean that citizens will play a more active role in their democracy...that they will be more responsible for the decisions of it's government...for it's failures as well as it's successes...

And...as Andrew Sullivan says this morning...the silver lining in this election is that Republicans and President Bush are now squarely responsible for the consequences of their policy choices...with no concerns about whether the American public is behind them...or with power wrangling in the Senate...they now, unequivocally, run all major branches of the Federal Government...and the American people are clearly and without a doubt responsible for putting them there...

Now we see what happens:):):)...

In 1972, Richard Nixon won reelection with, as George Will writes this morning, a divisive war engaged...and the larger picture, from that period, I think, is that decent people make mistakes...but that we can support them to do better:):):):)...

All of our efforts should be dedicated to supporting the President to win this war and to cause as few casulaties to U.S. troops, Iraqis, terrorist victims, and everyone as possible...to wage this war with integrity and to make SMARTER choices...not NASTIER ones:):):)...

And to do good for everyone's sake...and I mean everyone...around the globe...

We get better at it a little bit at a time:):):)...

Talk with everyone later:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I've got to eat and fill out applications, but:):):):)...

...I needed to take a moment to say how incredibly proud I am of so many people taking this election and politics seriously this year...today:):):):):):):)...

Where I think we need to go is to a place where we just look after one another better:):):)...personally...autonomously and voluntarily:):):)...in our own communities:):):)...out of our own hearts:):):)...

And people getting psyched for an election is not the same thing as people looking after one another:):):)...

But it is something:):):)...it's people learning to take seriously the idea that their lives extend beyond the immediacy of their daily responsibilities:):):)...

Taking seriously the idea that SOMETHING -- ANYTHING -- other than apathy about the state of the world needs to take hold:):):)...

It's exciting:):):)...and a total confirmation of an thesis I developed when I was working at CLO:):):)...that people often, if not always, grow DESPITE their environments:):):)...not just because of them:):):)...

As Andrew Sullivan notes accurately, I think, these are dark times for lovers of freedom:):):):)...but...for some reason:):):)...people so innately need freedom:):):) -- even as they might deny it to their neighbor:):):) -- that they do eventually get over the apathy that controls and estrangement from decisions and lack of engagement and feelings and often realities of helplessness often generate:):):)...they eventually stand even as many forces work to actively knock them down...or at least stare at them, coldly, when they are down:):):)...

And it's exciting to see people take seriously the idea that it matters who leads them, even as they often sound -- I think, rightly -- dissappointed with their far from ideal choices:):):)...

It's also an affirmation of the idea that life is a constant option between less than ideal choices, hopefully becoming more ideal over time:):):)...

I've got to eat and to get to work on these applications:):):)...

I hope everyone is doing well:):):)...and that as they vote then also stop for a moment to get a little perspective on an important election...but just one more election, nonetheless:):):)...

Talk with everyone soon:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I've got to finish an application, but:):):)...

I visited my advisor today about going back to grad school:):):)...

Grad school, at this point, is half-formality for me...and half an opportunity to finish my dissertation which was around developing more equitable and open relationships between schools and children and their families where kids' and families' and teachers' and other folks' are taken seriously as participants in conversations about what's going well and what needs to improve in schools...I don't assume that everyone has equal wisdom...but I am certain -- absolutely certain, at this point...about the only thing I think I can be absolutely certain of:) -- that NOONE has a monopoly on wisdom...and that EVERYONE deserves to be treated equitably and have their freedom of thought and expression and -- to the degree that it doesn't involve physical violence against others -- of action respected...that people need to have their freedom respected and the learning that goes with that freedom...

And my thinking is that much of what goes wrong in the relationships between these people in schools happens to the degree that that freedom is not respected and taken seriously...

The principles of least possible aggression that I've been working with -- which don't imply no aggression is ever warranted, mind you...they just mean that the least possible and reasonably aggressive means of handling a situation, including and especially those that involve violence and aggression should be used if authentic change is desired rather than the perpetuation of self-fulfilling prophecies -- are solid enough in my own mind to tell me that there's no professor or school who could really put a stamp of approval or dismissal on my ideas to validate or invalidate them...and...ultimately...that's what school is all about...at it's best, school is to teach us to think for ourselves...to challenge dogma and orthodoxy...to think creatively and originally...and to develop better ideas when older ideas and ways are failing...

And I feel thouroughly confident both in my ability to articulate these ideas and their applications...

I've been frustrated with John Kerry, lately...saying that he's going to "hunt down and kill" the terrorists...is he unaware of the consequences of his language for those terrorists?...

If you're one of those terrorists, how would you react to that kind of threat?...

Throw your hands up in surrender?...

Not likely...

You'd likely fight harder...dig your heels in deeper...plot with more commitment to kill more Americans...

It's a serious mistake on John's part that is calculated, I think, cynically, to win the votes of an America that can be too vengeful for it's own good...

And I think John should focus more on saving those Americans' lives than on pandering to their fears...

John's words, I'm afraid, provoke the terrorists more...they don't end the violence and the threat of violence, which is John's intention, I hope...

And, similarly, the illusion that we can use force to solve many and most of America's and the world's problems -- rather than more authentically collaborative and humble engagement with one another -- is so far afield from the reality that it leads us all to feel and think and act a little crazy, I think, in a world that is far from ideally functional in how it deals with us and how we deal with that world...

And the best thing I've come to terms with in the last few years is that there is NOONE who has a monopoly on wisdom in these matters...and that investing people with the power to act as if they have more wisdom than they do on most matters of domestic and international and local and organizational or whatever types of policy is not only foolish...it is often terribly, terribly counterproductive...

Democrats and Republicans and parties around the country and around the world seek opportunities to limit everyone's freedom...

Often this is for reasons that are understandable...

Everyone might understand why Yuri Andropov, the last Soviet Premier before Mikhael Gorbachev, might be engaged in initiatives to end absenteeism and alcoholism...

But the fundamental flaw of the Soviet regime...and the Chinese regime...and the Cuban regime...and the Baathist regime in Iraq...and the autocratic version of democracy in Russia...and the Iranian theocratic version of democracy...and the Israeli theocratic version of democracy...and everywhere where power concentrates in the name of some ideology claiming good intentions...

Their fundamental flaw is their lack of respect for freedom...and for authentic and equitable democracy...and for honesty and intelligent engagement...for compassion and understanding in dealing with problems of their peoples...

Ultimately, it was that in the pursuit of efforts to "purify" their peoples' they have and continue to often disregard the concerns of those same people as they run amuck over their freedoms to independently deal with problems that require intelligence much, much, much more than force...

I don't know if my professors will ever get this...if they'll get that their efforts to force their wisdom led only to me losing respect for their wisdom...

But a boy can hope:):):)...which is why I went back to talk with Tom:):):)...

But if it doesn't work out:):):)...the most important lesson to be learned out of this entire crazy mess is that we are all subject to abusing power:)...all of us...no matter how smart...or decent or compassionate...or whatever...

Intelligence and engagement and learning are where the life of a culture are...power is the most important stymie to that life...and that is a problem that we all contribute to...and which we are all responsible for ending -- in our personal lives as much as in our democracy -- if we are going to grow a more authentic and free democracy out of the very decent, but flawed foundations that our current democracy offers us:):):)...

The tragedy that fear leads even the most mature democratic and free societies to want to look more like their less mature and fear-driven parallel cultures and societies in the non-democratic world is real...

But it is also possible to change...

And to change it, each of us will need to take more seriously that freedom and democracy and independence that is the strength of an otherwise flawed but noble country and civilization...

In our schools...in our families...in our democracy...in our workplaces...in our relationships...in all of the places in our lives that matter:):):)...

I've got to go pick up Melissa:):):)...talk with everyone later:):):)...

Love,
Ben

I'm feeling better:):):)...

I talked with my stepmom, Marilyn, last night:)...her dad just died and she seems to be doing amazing about it, frankly...I can't imagine how much she must miss him...and, as she said, hopefully it is something that I will not have to face for a very long time:)...

But it was good...Marilyn is someone who is strongly committed to me and my life...and to doing good in the world...she's an amazing listener...and we've both clearly grown in the last 2 years in ways that are really good for our relationship...

Most important to me is that I can speak more freely in front of Marilyn, now, I think...and she's not hassling me as much about whether I talk the way she wants, etc...

I, frankly, think that so much of how we guard our language and thoughts around one another grows out of our fears that we won't be accepted for who we are...which happens so often that it leads us to feel afraid of just being ourselves...as if we could dichotomize our lower instincts and our highest instincts...as if there will be a time when even if we don't say, "Fuck" out loud, that we'll stop thinking it...

It's a silly, sad, restrictive for-no-good-goddamned-reason attitude about life that reinforces one of our truly lowest natures: the persistent fact that we are so often dumb, scared little bitches who have such a hard time just learning to be grown-ups, for goodness sakes, and not just playing them on TV...we spend so much time trying to PROVE and PRETEND what grown-ups we are, that we persistently fail to be them enough to recognize that grown-ups (and kids, when they aren't afraid that grown-ups are going to hurt them) cuss and do all kinds of things that are not so polite...

And -- most grown-up of all things to face -- that THAT FACT OF LIFE is not going to go away...ever...ever, ever, ever...no matter how many times we try to punish one another into submission...

Always, always, always...people make up their own minds about what is ok and what is not so ok...what is great and what is terrible...and no amount of bullying will ever make that fact of life go away...

I don't know how many friends I have who have serious drug histories who still tell me that they think that scary things in life or things they don't like can be bullied away, obviously completely oblivious to their own pasts...the biggest reason why I'm so clear that the drug war has been a miserable failure is because I have way too many friends who have shared some SERIOUS drug histories with me...much of it was pretty innocuous, really, and would be terribly tragic if they faced some kind of jail time or losing Pell grants or other kinds of punishments for much behavior that is just self-destructive, at times, and happens to be illegal...Big Macs are self-destructive, too, but I don't want any stupid fucking laws against them...and I'm just waiting for the anti-obesity crowd to make them illegal and then we can REALLY begin to resemble the old Soviet Union in our OBSESSION with kicking peoples' asses to be how we want them to be...but even the things that were more serious problems -- like out-of-control junkies -- no real indication, at all, that jail-time or any kind of force would do anything, really, to improve the situation and deal with all of the emotional shit that is underneath that bullshit...

But the major point, here, is that my friends just can't seem to get the foolishness in their reasoning...bullying will make problems go away and yet in one of the issues that is central to so many of my friends' lives it has CLEARLY not had an impact...and, if anything, has made it taboo enough that they want a taste...and, often, much more than just a taste...

And what is so incredibly dysfunctional about this, to me, is that almost literally EVERYONE knows it...that people will want to do what is taboo...

And some people, at least, seem to know that the best way to remove the temptation of danger is to remove the taboo...that repression -- social, intrapersonal, legal, political -- does not work except temporarily in the face of immediate danger...and, even then, it has longer term consequences that must be accounted for...

If it did, then highly repressive societies like Saudi Arabia should not produce insane mass murderers like Osama Bin Laden...or Germany and Hitler...or China and Mao...or Cuba and Castro...or Kim Jong Il and North Korea...President Bush is not a mass murderer, but he is FAR TOO RECKLESS with power to warrant having it...but, as in so many fucked up countries all over the world, people still choose him no matter how much destructiveness he engages in...because he supports their seemingly unrelenting prejudices about life, no matter how destructive and self-destructive those prejudices might be...

Hopefully they will choose differently this election, so that we don't have to listen to four more years of rationalization about how there's nothing really serious to learn from our failures in Iraq...

I don't know WHY people are so persistently such crying, whining little dumbasses and victims of a world that they help create...

I take that back...I think I do know why...but the causes are very similar to the very things that so many of my friends say they want...how much THEY have been hurt in the world...how self-protective that makes them...how the emotional defenses blind them to the consequences of their actions both because they don't want to get hurt but also because they think they have to hurt others to make it in life...it is such a crazy, dysfunctional belief that it's hard for me to believe, sometimes, that we will escape it...

But escape it I am fairly confident we will do...

Because we really only fuck life up so much, it seems, before we get on a better track, if history is any guide...

It's just disheartening to know that we have to fuck it up so much before we get it straight...

But get it straight we generally do...

I am tired of the cycle, though...I am tired of rooting for just LESS mean ways of dealing with one another...

How about dealing with our meaner instincts on our own time and learn to be responsible for them and stop taking them out on others because ignoring them or trying to pray them away isn't working...

Taking therapy and psychology more seriously might help here...as might learning to more authentically and openly acknowledge when we think we might be wrong...

But much of it, I'm convinced, is risking looking "weak," when, ironically and paradoxically, that so in so much of what too often looks "weak" to us is where real strength lies...

And the ultimate show of weakness...the ultimate showing of our underbellies...is just being ourselves...and not worrying about what others think about us...

And the truth is that the deception invovled in this one is really all just an illusion...

Because the truth -- the real truth -- is that none of us can be anything OTHER than ourselves, no matter how much we try to delude ourselves otherwise:)...

I've got to go...I'm starving...and I'm tired of ranting:):):):):)...

I hope everyone has a good day:):):)...

Love,
Ben